Original subtitles

Ah, why do we gotta watch the Wedding Network?

The Jet Ski Channel is just two channels away.

Shut your face, bro.

I'm trying to get ideas for Starla and I's wedding.

So far, I thought of ten-foot-tall onion ring towers, special seats that spin

donuts, and a blimp that floats above the

reception and rains barbecue sauce on command.

Do you have an unrealistically ambitious wedding?

No.

Then become a contestant on Married and Broke, a twisted

new game show from the makers of Fool Me Once, Shame on You.

Fool Me Twice, I Punch Your Face.

Oh, I've seen this one at Eileen's.

People do the craziest stuff for a stupid wedding.

I give it like a two and a half.

Out of what?

I don't know.

Congratulations!

We're paying for the wedding of your dream.

I don't need some demeaning game to pay for my wedding.

I have all the money I could ever want.

What?

How?

Smart investments.

Yeah, I've been using my paychecks to invest in a

little bumper stock called the ant farm industry.

Ant farms?

So I'm pretty much basically rich.

Talk to me.

Muscle manager stockbroker.

I'm calling to tell you that, uh, yeah, ant farms are not real.

Not a real thing to invest in.

A very bad investment.

And, uh, I am not an accredited stockbroker.

What are you saying, Maurice?

Oh, boy.

You got no money.

You just got a bunch of ants.

Oh, good luck for the rest of your life!

What was that all about?

Babe?

Babe, the flowers for our wedding, they're so expensive.

You won't believe how expensive they are!

Oh, come on.

Like, how many ant farms are we talking here?

Mitch, they don't take ant farms.

So that's why we want to be on your... show.

Thank you.

Married or Broke isn't a crass, violent show like Fool Me Twice.

It's a sweet, romantic show about love.

A contestant's ear is on fire!

Uh, for the last time, Neil, the infirmary's next door.

Thank you, ma'am.

Anyway, our audience wants to see couples they can love.

And I fear you may not be likable or relatable enough for our viewers.

It's okay, Mitch.

Our wedding will still be fine without flowers

or anything else a wedding usually has.

No one tells my girl where she can and can't be on TV.

She's a goddess!

You couldn't even handle her!

Mitch, calm down!

Now this, I like.

You guys are in.

Wait, what?

I said you're in!

Whoa!

Let's go win ourselves a wedding!

I'm gonna get the biggest bonus.

Dude, it's starting.

Turn it up!

Turn it up!

Try not to get crumbs on the floor.

I've noticed an ant problem lately.

Muscle Man's out of game shows so he can afford his lavish wedding.

Make room for me on the couch.

Hello, everybody, and welcome to Married and Broke.

It's me, your host, Mr. Kyle Garrity.

Let's meet our couples.

Hello there, what's your story?

Well, we sell puppies.

But you know, with the economy, we couldn't sell enough puppies to afford our wedding.

Can we get a close-up on that, Hank?

Ooh, that is one young dog.

How about you two?

Well, thanks for asking, Kyle.

We learned about five years ago that there are orphans.

So, like, we're a foundation to end orphanism.

But we're a non-profit, so we need to, like,

pay the orphans to put together our wedding.

That's so honorable.

Our next contestants, Teddy and Tina.

Thank you, thank you.

We lost our wedding fun tragically while fighting in the army for our great country.

We were carrying the money on our backs, but a grenade blew

it up while we saved an entire platoon from a rebel attack.

But we'd do it again.

For America!

Yeah!

And you two, you, uh, what's, uh, what's all this about?

Well, I'm, like, a guy, and she's, like, a chick.

And we want ten-foot onion rings at our wedding, so that's what we want to pay for.

Well, aren't you good at stating the idea of the show?

Now for the rules.

You will compete in a set of really crazy physical challenges.

The last couple standing wins the free win.

May the worst couple fail.

Two.

remaining teams, Teddy and Tina, how are you two holding up?

Well, Kyle, after that rebel attack, we're just happy to be here.

It's like a dream.

An American dream.

And in a very unlikely turn, these guys.

Damn.

Well, on to the final round.

Cross the threshold.

The first team to carry their fiancé across

every threshold and ring the wedding dong wins.

Uh, doesn't this obstacle course look kind of like the one from...

What, are we made of money?

On your marks!

Get set!

Mitch!

We got this, babe.

Go!

Mitch!

Suck it in!

Come on, babe!

Mitch!

Huh?

Starla, what's wrong?

Look at them, Mitch!

Hup!

Hup!

Hup!

Hup!

Hup!

Hup!

Hup!

Hup!

Hup!

Hup!

Hup!

Hup!

What do you see in here, babe?

They're the perfect couple, Mitch.

They've got something special and everyone loves them.

And where does that leave us?

We're just second rate.

People like us don't get cheered on.

They see our love and it makes them want to toss it.

Listen, Starla.

I may have made some bad investments in my

life, but this relationship isn't one of them.

I don't care if people like us.

Cause I love you.

And we've got something they don't have.

Passion.

Hold on, do those two have actual wants and desires?

I relate to that.

Even though they're really hard to look at, they're doing it for love.

Yeah!

Alright!

I've never seen anything like that.

Toss me, Teddy!

Wow!

Woo!

Can we get an instant replay on that, Hank?

Thank you!

Thank you so much!

U-S-A!

U-S-A!

U-S-A!

U-S-A!

Hold up!

U-S-A only has three letters in it.

Say it again, bro.

U-S-A!

U-S-A!

U-S-A!

U-S-A!

Hey!

Alright!

Look!

Look!

We...

We sure are sorry.

Can't help it!

We're Canadians!

How dare you!

So that's why they were so nice and perfect.

Oh, we sure feel like a couple of hosers.

We're just simple maple farmers.

I ride my moose to work just like anyone else,

and I put my hockey mask on one strap at a time.

We thought having a big fancy American wedding for

free was more important than telling the truth.

And we're sorry.

Get... Get them out of my sight!

They're disqualified!

I'm sorry I forgot your names before, but television glorifies beautiful people.

I've actually struggled with my looks for years.

That's why I grew this mustache.

Otherwise, I'd look like a newborn baby.

Muscle Man and Starla are the winners!

I'm sorry I called a second-rate, Mitch.

It's all right, babe.

We'll still have a first-rate wedding.

Could we have... a blimp that rains barbecue sauce?

Babe.

Is everyone okay?

I think we got them all.

Curse you, Mordecai and Rigby!

We'll get you!

Thanks, Pops.

Oh, my pleasure.

So do you think Muscle Man and Starla won that game show?

Aw, I'll be there.

I don't like anything.

My nowBERT suaVir 3000 If you look like it,

we're happy that if I missed you ever leave...