Original subtitles

Please try to understand, Plotzy. I hate to leave you. I love the farm and

Trotsville, but I have to go.

You see, out there is fame, fortune, and success.

I'm going to be a famous actress on Broadway, and a celebrity, and maybe

even go to Hollywood and do a film or something.

I have oodles of talent.

My high school English teacher even told me so after the senior play.

She said, Susie, you should be on a stage.

I wonder what she meant when she said that one was leaving in ten minutes.

Besides, Klossy, Daddy needs the money I'm going to make to save the farm.

Well, don't you worry none, because I already have a job.

Practically. See?

Actress Wanted.

Famous theatrical producer seeks young girl for a starring role in major stage

production. No experience necessary.

Well, this is goodbye.

So you be good, keep your head clean, and don't shit in the barn.

I don't know what kind of play this is gonna be.

Oh, bitter fate.

Our funds have petered out, and the wolf is at the door.

Is there no justice for the art?

Justice overdue rent bill.

Liquid assets.

Liquid assets.

Liquid assets.

Stan, we've got to do something quick. Are you sure that brother-in-law of

yours, that lawyer, what's his name?

Phil Potts. Yes, him.

Hasn't he found some rich investor?

Someone who can invest lots of cash in your play?

No, not yet.

Liquid assets.

Liquid assets.

Liquid assets. The first true and authentic dramatic rendering of intimate

lives of the Tsar and his family in the last dark days of the revolution.

Sex will get you some day.

If you don't hide them, you'll have to pay.

Ah, the dear, sweet, czar and his darling, innocent family.

Why, the pathos alone is worth a Drama Critics Award.

The pathos alone isn't worth two shits towards the rent bill.

And without a theater, all this is.

is 900 sheets of toilet paper. Bessie, you're speaking of my masterwork, my

chaîdour, my odeur.

Liquid essence.

A work of monumental dramatic importance.

Good Tolstoy is back to shame.

Tolstoy didn't have to steal soap from the men's room at McDonald's.

We only had a sexy young girl to play the part of Princess Anastasia. Then

we'd use her to catch a rich backer.

Yes, I placed an ad in all the trade papers.

That's a brilliant idea, my dear.

Imagine an ad.

An ingenue.

Fresh blood for the theater.

Long flowing hair over her firm white shoulder.

Lips soft and red.

Breasts like melons in season.

Oh, the theater will come alive with her magnificent performance.

I wonder if I should fuck her before or after the first rehearsal.

Now, Miss Fleta, please get this letter very accurately.

Ready? Okay, we commence.

Dear Mr. Cashbox, in reviewing your tax case with the highest legal references,

I have the displeasure to inform you that your present tax position...

is one which should earn you from three to five years in the penitentiary.

Cashbox, I don't understand why we can never go to your house to make love.

I know that you love me, but you respond so strangely whenever I mention going to

your place.

Oh, it's merely for a change of scenery, Slypitz.

Oh, you mean you get tired of your king-size bed, and there are oriental

rugs on the floor, and the original Rembrandts.

Or is it that you're just trying to avoid that old battle-axe of a theater

critic, Billy Haggard?

What do you know about Billy and I? I thought we were keeping a low profile.

Everybody knows about you and Billy.

Since your case is scheduled to come up before Judge Hangman on the 15th, and

since your tax delinquency and shenanigans are in such flagrant

violation of a number of tax laws, I would advise you to pack your bags in

preparation for a long trip.

Oh, Miss Flater.

Does she have as nice a body as I?

No, of course not, my dear.

In case she touches.

The way I do?

No, no, no. Of course not. But she'd cut it off if she even thought I was

with another woman.

Do you think she'd kiss you with love and passion?

No.

No.

Oh, love. Oh, love. It makes me feel so wonderful to feel you inside of me.

That's it. Let me get a little closer to you.

Breasts, they're so firm.

Like a little girl.

Cash, I was just for you.

Just for you.

See how high the nipples get?

Sweet little rosebuds.

Oh, Cash, I love it when you touch them that way.

Oh, it gives me great pleasure, too.

I feel your muscles tightening around me.

Tight and wet and hot.

Oh, God.

I feel you coming in.

You drive me to passions beyond my wildest dreams.

I can feel you coming. Yes, I feel it.

And it makes me want to come too.

Fuck me.

Fuck me.

I'm terribly attracted to older men.

The only possibility of escaping your just fate would be for me to arrange a

meeting with Mr. Quinn.

He is presently employed by the tax collector by day, but he works by night

independently as a loophole salesman.

He is so thoroughly familiar with the complexities of the tax laws that I am

sure that he will be able to sell you a tax loophole, which will resolve your

problem. I have therefore arranged a meeting.

with him for tomorrow night at 8 p.m. at Hindegrind's restaurant.

Yours very truly, etc., etc., etc.

P.S.

Please bring cash.

Did you get all that, Miss Fleta?

Oh, Miss Fleta. Miss Fleta, I can't stand it any longer.

I just long to feel those firm breasts against my chest.

Oh, I desire you. I want you.

To feel those smooth, creamy thighs wrapped around me.

Your passion, your heat.

I've got to have you right now, here and now. Kiss me, Flayda.

You're such a turn-on.

You never argue, you don't fight.

Take this cock and put it right into your mouth.

Oh, come on, you feel it soft now.

Take it in deep.

That's it. Now, let me see you give it some head. Good, long stroke like that.

Oh, you never argued. Just what I tell you. I love that fact about you. Oh,

suck on it good.

Take it back and in.

Oh, you feel it getting harder?

Feel it getting harder? That's good. Oh, suck it.

Oh, you're so nice and moist.

Oh, not a word out of your mouth, which I love.

Diligent worker. You never fight. You never argue. You never quibble.

Oh, I like it. My cock is getting nice and stiff now in your

warm mouth.

I want to fuck you now.

Look at my penis inside you. Is that okay?

Good. Oh, don't lose that.

Come over here with me.

Right here.

And don't say a word. Lie back.

I'm going to announce you right here and right now.

Stay like that. Don't move. You're losing your hair, sweetheart. I like you

better as a blonde.

How's that? Good?

Good.

Oh, I love it. My penis is inside your warm, moist pussy.

It's getting harder and harder and harder.

Do you like the missionary position?

I love it myself.

I would sign a deposition any day, anywhere, that you are the perfect

woman. A loyal secretary.

I won't come inside your pussy. Oh, no. No paternity suits for me. You're not

going to leave for child support.

I'm going to put it right in your bunghole. Don't move.

Right in your ass.

Come on, come on, come on.

Oh, I like your bed. It was a good ass.

Here.

Oh, I love your ass.

Oh, pro bono ipso facto.

Don't say anything. You're having a good time? Good.

Oh, you feel my cock, how hard it is?

I'm going to come all over your back. You don't mind, do you?

Good girl.

You ready?

I want to take a few nips of you. Do you mind? I'm going to

take a little bite that you like so much. Helps you cum when I cum.

You ready?

from Charlottesville just to get a part in your great epic piece in war?

My God, I don't believe it. The angel bait we've been looking for.

My dear child, welcome to New York and the theater.

My name is Stan Slavsky and this is my assistant, Bessie.

Hi.

You just kissed your own head.

I know.

Now, the first thing you must do is get yourself a good theatrical lawyer.

I just happen to have the card of the most eminent theatrical lawyer in the

world, Cyrus P. Philpas.

See him as soon as you can.

Stan, why don't we have Bessie read for the part of Anastasia, the Tsar's

favorite daughter, and if you like, I'll read the part of the Tsarina.

That's a marvelous idea.

You see, Susie, my play takes place in Russia in the last dark days of the

Great War.

Russia has been bled white.

You must read this part with great pathos and deep feeling.

Start on page 506.

Mama Zarina, now that the Hun has forced us into the miserable peace treaty of

Brest... Brest... Brestletovsk! Never mind, my dear. No matter. Go on.

Tell me which panties I should wear to the ball, the pink or the blue?

She turns aside and faces Zarina, over.

She just read stage direction.

But look at those tits.

The Mensheviks have sold us down the river.

I think the blue are best, you miserable wretch.

Rasputin likes blue, and I know that he got into your panties last night after

he left my bed.

Um... But Mama Zarina, he told me that I could not be saved unless I had first

sinned. I sinned four times with him. Twice down there, once between my tiny

beast. Breasts. You dimwit breasts.

And once in the ass. What a liver.

Lover, you bumpkin lover.

But Mr. Slotsky, it says liver.

L-I-V-E-R.

Never mind, dear.

Go on.

Anastasia, I fell for that same stupid line.

But you, you were supposed to be smarter.

Didn't we have you instructed on how to read and write?

Yes, but the mystic monk Rasputin has instructed me in other subjects, too.

No, no, no.

How can you take such perfect prose and turn my exquisite words into such

banalities? You must understand the deeper significance.

And you move like a plow horse.

Here, let me show you as you read the words.

You move this way as you read the words.

This way. Mr. Stan, you have to hold me there. It's like my breasts are very

sensitive. Nonsense.

Nonsense. Just say the words and I'll show you how to move.

Mr. Stan, you're squeezing my tit.

My dear, you do have to make some sacrifices for your art.

You're squeezing it too hard. You're going to make it black and blue.

Oh, did I really hurt it? Let me look and see.

Mr. Stan, I'm not that kind of girl.

Susie, Susie.

Just let me kiss it and make it better. Oh, no, you don't. I promised my daddy

back at Charlesville that I'd stay pure and clean.

You do want the pot, don't you?

Of course I want the pot.

I'm very, very talented.

My high school English teacher even told me so.

Okay.

Okay.

Just let me kiss your tits. No!

My daddy back in Charlottesville told me... All right, all right.

You've got the part. You've got the part.

Did that

mean mean girl hurt my poor Stan?

What a nasty girl.

Here, let Bessie help Stan.

Come on.

Yes. Suck on Bessie's soft breath.

That's right.

Yes, yes.

Yes, suck on Bessie's hard nipple.

That'll make you feel better, Stan.

Yes.

That's good.

Come on.

Whoa, where does it hurt? Come on, baby, I'll fix it.

Don't go on me now. Come on, come on.

Oh, here we are, right there.

Don't move.

Don't move now.

Don't move.

No, damn it, that's not it.

Oh,

right here, right here. Don't move, don't move.

Hello, my name is Susie, and I'm from Trotsville.

Somewhat.

Well, I've come to New York to be a famous actress, and I need a slick New

York lawyer to draw up a contract for my first starring role with Mr. Stan

Slavsky. Who, that dimwit?

Yes, he's going to make me a big star in his epic play, Peace and Love.

That son of a bitch brother of mine has lost his marbles for real this time.

Did you say something?

No, nothing, nothing.

Goddamn tape's not working.

Well, see, he said that...

I need a theatrical contract in order to be a big star and sue everybody in

sight. I have $100.

Oh, well, in that case, why, what a nice pair.

Nasty girl's all gone now.

Ooh.

Look what the nasty girl did to Sam's poo-poo.

Made it all hard and hot.

Oh,

poor Stan.

Bessie will make you feel better, okay?

I'll put my tongue and my mouth around it, and I'll suck it.

Oh.

Oh, that's Dan.

What a fucking director Just go to that drawer

there, it's full of the latest model theatrical contracts No,

no, no, no, no dumbbell.

Can you see that all the contracts in this drawer broken go to the next one

No, no, no, no go lower. No,

no, skip it. Skip it go lower lower you you

Are these the contracts? Yeah, yeah, let me see.

I'm having eye trouble, so I have to read over your shoulders.

It comes from reading newspapers on the subway.

It's an incurable illness, they tell me.

There, that's better. I can even see the fine print from this position.

Lawyer Philpott, do you know that you're squeezing my tits?

Well, yes, yes, undeniably.

In fact, I feel that we should discuss the rest of your legal problems over

dinner tonight.

I'm dining with some of my colleagues, and I think it would be a good idea...

Lawyer Philpott, I'm not that kind of girl.

Strictly business, of course.

Oh, we can always have a nightcap later on in my apartment!

Oh yes.

Oh yes.

You animal.

Fuck me, you animal.

Don't start... Don't start fucking me.

On to San Juan Hill!

Oh, you're the best.

Oh, darling.

Oh, baby.

Oh, it's good, isn't it? Yes.

Oh, yes.

I just wish you gave it to me more often.

Oh, you're the best.

Oh.

Oh, Cashbox.

Don't stop, darling.

Don't stop fucking me. Oh, darling.

Oh, Billy.

Oh, it's good, isn't it? Yes.

Oh, my hero.

Oh, I feel it happening.

Oh, Billy.

Oh, it's good. Oh, is it good for you?

It's good for me, Captain.

I'm gonna come, Billy.

Come, Kirschbox, make me come. Oh, darling.

Oh, yes.

Yeah.

Oh, my hero.

You

don't

love me anymore.

Oh, Billy, I do, I do. You know that.

You used to fuck me with enthusiasm.

What made you lose interest?

Don't lie to me. It's another woman, isn't it?

My love, how can you accuse me of such a thing?

Easily. You're a man, aren't you?

Oh, come on. You got that line right out of the play we saw last night.

It's because you review all these Broadway plays for the Daily Rag.

Doesn't mean you're supposed to believe the dialogue, too, you know.

Cashbox, you can fool some of the people all of the time, but don't try and pull

the wool over my eyes.

I don't have to be America's foremost critic to know what every woman knows,

that you don't love me anymore.

You used to fuck me with more interest.

Oh, I love you, I love you!

It's just I have this little problem on my mind. I may have to go away for a

while. Three to five years.

Little disagreement with the tax people.

Only three to five?

The way you've been fucking around with the government, I'm surprised they don't

put you away for life.

Hey, well, you know, it's tough when you're in the 99% tax bracket.

You'll do anything rather than have to sell shoelaces in front of

Bloomingdale's.

But there's hope.

There's still hope.

A fast plane to Argentina?

Oh, Billy, I could never leave you. You know that.

No, Phil Potts, my attorney, has arranged a meeting with a Mr. Quim.

He's a tax expert.

So well acquainted with the tax laws, he's got more loopholes than a cable-lit

sweater. As a matter of fact, I'd better get going.

Quim doesn't like to be kept waiting.

Charge is by the hour.

I wonder where he is.

Hey, don't worry about it. He said he'd be here at 9 o'clock. He'll be here at 9

o'clock. I bet you can set your watch by this guy. Excuse me, sir.

Your table is now ready. I'm sorry for the delay, but this is one of the

busiest nights of the year for us. Please follow me.

Ah, my savior, relax.

Sit, sit.

Mr.

Cashbox, it is my pleasure to introduce to you Rufus P. Quinn.

Tax, loophole expert, par excellence, deluxe.

Genius of the floating decimal.

Master of the multiple leisure.

Hero of the hidden account.

I want you to know that after long and tedious, painstaking hours of deep,

diligent research... into your very own personal financial problem, taximus

maximus. That's what we call it.

Mr. Quill has shown his exceptional skill and has dug deep, deep into the

dumb heap that make up this national tax.

And he has discovered a loophole solution, which is so brilliant, so

marvelous. Quite frankly, I think he's surprised even himself, haven't you?

Wait a minute, taximus maximus, what's that?

What's he talking about?

That's a technical term, Mr. Cashbox.

What it means is the tax collector is after your ass.

Tell me something I don't know.

Oh, I'm sorry. This is Miss Slimpitz. I'm helping her get started in the

theater business. Good oral style.

Shows great promise. Great delivery. Moves well.

And, uh... Oh, uh, this is Susie.

Gee, I just love older men.

Great pubic hair makes my mouth water.

Now Mr. Quim will explain the ipso facto of the modus operandi pertaining to the

proposed solution of your problemicus taxicologis, which you have, Mr.

Cashbox. Go ahead, Quim.

Oh, now we're getting somewhere.

First, I need not tell you, Mr. Cashbox, that loopholes of this type that you

require do not grow on trees.

However, I think I did find one.

And since Phil Potts here tells me that money is no object, I was saving it for

a rainy day, but it does look a little cloudy.

Well, I'll tell you what.

Why don't we just trade umbrellas?

This loophole is a theatrical tax shelter, which is calculated to

bring in the lowest diminishing returns possible in the shortest fiscal period.

Yes.

The bottom line is that you will practically go broke overnight.

That's good.

And thereby stay out of jail.

That's good. That's good.

Quite so. Now let me elaborate on this historianic adventure.

You've heard of Stan Slavsky, the theatrical director?

Well, he operates this off-Broadway playhouse called the Theater Hysterium.

It's off, off, way off-Broadway. I think it's the perfect location for what we

need. It's cozy, intimate.

Damp. That special atmosphere that we're looking for.

Early dungeon.

Yeah, yeah.

Slavsky is also the writer of the play you want to produce.

Titled either Comes the Revolution or Peace and War.

Stirring drama about the Russian Revolution.

Sure to be the biggest theatrical disaster in a decade.

Which will bring you the largest tax write-off in the annals of Taxicus

Historius. Chapter 11.

Get the picture?

Okay. All right, let me get this straight now. I produce this ridiculous

play in a dilapidated theater, it bombs, and I stay out of jail, right?

A most accurate summation of the plan, Mr. Cashbox.

My learned colleague and myself will further ensure the demise of this

literary blight that will enhance you from your financial entanglements.

It is a true coup du jour.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. What makes you guys so sure this is going to work?

Tootsie Lamar.

Oh, that's stupid of me.

Of course.

What's a Tootsie no more?

The worst actress in the business.

In fact, she's the worst actress in the world.

The worst actress to walk the boards in this country.

The worst actress since Mata Hari.

Mata Hari was shot.

Well, Tootsie's half shot. She's loud, she's vulgar, she's clumsy. And she's

been banished from every stage in this country. Ever since her children's

matinee of Pinocchio.

in which you sat nude on the puppet's face.

No, no, no, wait, wait, wait. Say no more. Say no more. I got the picture. It

sounds horrendous.

I love her already.

Just tell me one thing. Where'd you find such a totally inept, repulsive

performer?

It wasn't hard. She's my sister.

Okay, guys, deal me in. Phil Potts, make the arrangements.

Let's get started.

Oh, my goodness.

Wait, no, wait. Poor kid.

Oh, I, uh, I, uh, I,

uh,

oh, uh... Mr.

Philpott's a not-that-kind-of-girl!

So, meet me at my office tomorrow, and we can divert the fundus

monetarium and sign the required documentary legalia. Yeah, yeah, bring

the bread and sign the papers.

Just don't worry.

Wow, I just love old men.

Good evening, gentlemen.

My father was an older man.

At least I think he was.

I wonder if he wears a truss.

Maybe I'm attracted to his wrinkles.

Boom, boom, three of them, four of them.

Please sign the documentary legalis right over there, please, so we can

start to fund this illegalis into operation.

Okay. Very, very good.

Rubber stamp, go.

That ought to do it.

You know, uh, Quim's loophole worked out to a T for the past. I gotta hand it to

you, really.

The guy's a genius.

I knew it would. I knew it would. But he's weird, you know.

What's so weird about my brother, Quim?

Him and I are like two peas in a pot.

And honey, there ain't nothing strange about me.

You must be Quim's sister. Yeah. The famous actress.

Yeah, you're goddamn right I am. That's me, honey. I'm the best fucking actress

around. Trouble is, these cocksucking New York producers, they wouldn't know

the difference between a hot piece of ass and a pile of shit. Wait, wait,

wait. Tutsi, Tutsi. You gotta keep it down in the stand if I have a

respectable law office here. Oh, creep lawyers.

I tell you, they cost me a fucking fortune with their torts, their cards.

Mom, mom, mom.

You just talk a little bit more softly.

You're not on stage now.

do have something vitally important to discuss. Yeah, I know, I know, I know, I

know, I know. You've got the best fucking script in the world, and you're

gonna fall right on the balls of their ass unless you got me to bail you and

your piece of shit play out. I beg to differ. This does happen to be a very

good play about the Tsar.

Oh, great.

Do I get to fuck him? Who?

The Tsar, you asshole!

Jesus, Philpott, you better close the window.

You can hear this brought down in the street.

You know, You've got the sexiest elevator in the world.

Elevators really turn me on. You know, it's all that up and down action.

And it gets me so hot and wet that I have a rotten day unless I get sweetened

up. Oh, right now I could just use a high and stiff cock.

No, no. How's this?

Not in front of the window. Not in front of the window. Jesus Christ.

Philpots, do we really need this? I mean, this world's going to get us

busted on an indecency charge.

You better go along with it. The criminal will get very upset if we don't

use it.

Hey, are you boys going to talk all day?

Or are we going to fuck?

Oh, Miss Tootsie, we invited you here to offer you a starring role in a

production that I'm financing.

And I want you to know there's a terrific role in it for you.

Role? Did you say role?

Do you boys want to see Tootsie role?

I don't roll nobody.

I mean, if you want to throw me a couple of bucks after we fuck, that's all right

with me. But listen, I'll do it for free. No, no, no, no, no. It won't be

necessary, Miss Lamar. It won't be necessary. You can highly recommend it.

We don't have to see you in the, uh... Hey!

What kind of audition is this, anyway?

Are you boys on the level?

I've never been to an audition where I didn't get to fuck the producer.

I mean, it's part of showbiz.

Do we really... Do I really... Do I really have to go through with this...

With this...

This lady?

Well, as your legal counselor, I strongly suggest you do.

I'll fumigate the place with Lysol when she leaves.

The couch can be reupholstered.

Enjoy yourself. Well, well, well.

What do we have here?

That's a first-class Vance if I've ever seen one. And believe me, honey, I've

seen a lot of them.

I'll just blow this up here and we'll see what we've got to work with.

And you, my darling.

Uh,

Mr. Tutsi, you really don't have to do this, you know. You have the part. You

don't have to. Hey, if I don't get a piece of an ass out of this audition, I

don't want your stinking job, you hear? You can take your plane and shove it.

But honey, when I'm hot, I'm hot.

You'd better have coitus disgustus, brother.

We're depending on her for the success of the production.

Oh, Miss, no, Miss Tootsie, please.

I mean, the dramatics, I mean, it's really unnecessary.

Oh, Miss, no, Miss Tootsie, please.

And how are you, my baby?

You're sick, aren't you?

Let me fix it here.

Look at you. Just look at you.

Come on, honey. Come on, fuck me.

Come on, fuck me now.

Anything you say, Ms. Coetzee. Anything you say. All right.

This will be the best audition of my life. I can feel it.

Oh, yeah.

You don't feel good, do you?

I'm trying to go mouth to mouth.

Come on!

She's dead.

I think I've killed her.

Come on, fuck me.

I know.

Black one.

Come on.

Look.

Look.

Dad.

I killed her.

You already have to understand.

She stopped fucking.

It was justifiable homicide.

I didn't need to do it.

Okay, Miss Litchie, all right.

It's all right.

That's the best fucking audition I've ever done. I'll take the part.

Boy, you two really know how to produce a play.

Pimps.

Pornographers.

Prostitutes.

I have been entrusted by the government.

of this country with the power to put vile criminals such as these behind

thick iron bars.

They should be locked up forever.

Throw away the key.

Pimps, prostitutes, pornographers, they

defile the land, threaten the very sanctity of the American family unit

with their perversion.

And filth?

Excellent.

Law is very clear about pimps preying on the

virginal beauty of our women.

They suck dry the essence of all that is pure and innocent,

beddling it on the streets.

Twenty years!

Hard labor.

Law's position on whores is clear.

Prostitutes are wanton women leading astray the husbands

and fathers of our great land.

Just having them in my court sully is a very honor of this establishment.

Ten years, each count.

Hard labor.

Very good.

A little bit to the right.

Pornographers are the worst.

With their filthy books and magazines, films flaunting those young

bodies, I'd lock them up for life if I could. And it is my solemn sworn duty to

give these offenders the true measure of the law.

Time and time again,

in a never-ending battle against the hordes of perverts that fill the darkest

damp recesses of our great metropolis.

These people suck the life from our very social structure.

That's nice.

It's a great responsibility being a judge.

You have to spread the truth wide.

wheel sold of justice with a swift stroke.

It gets to be a harder task every day.

Harder and harder.

And after years on the bench, punishing, lecturing,

berating the scum of the earth, it all

comes to this.

You old men always have so much.

Legislating social behavior in this society is a sticky situation.

I rest my case.

Did I ever tell you I was fatally attracted to older men?

Casting has become an instinct with me, Bessie. I can cast in my sleep. For

example, name any character in Peace and War.

Rasputin the Mad Monk.

Excellent choice.

Rasputin. Let me think.

There.

There is our Rasputin.

Where?

My good man. My good man.

You're about to begin a glorious journey into a new and marvelous world.

Rasputin, eh?

Well, he will need a monk's robe, and we'll have to get him to switch from

this stuff to vodka.

It will work.

I can direct anyone.

Trust me, have I ever been wrong?

Always.

Quiet, everyone.

Quiet.

Quiet!

Good. Now let's begin.

We'll take it from the Tsar's speech.

Laces, everyone.

Oh, the Ukrainian...

The lion's son has risen on dark days. The peasants are rumbling.

It's all I've borished. I rumble too.

But here are some of your loyal peasant subjects to report on how your people

really feel. Come, come to me. Fear me not. I am your Tsar. This, your Tsarina.

And this is our favorite daughter, the Tsareshna.

I consider all of my loyal subjects as my children.

My... Tsardins!

You be quiet.

Mother Russia is always here to impress her children.

It's even worse than I thought.

It's un-fucking-believable.

Child, do you seem abreast of the times?

Do you find the peasants revolting?

No, sire.

Will you help me defend Mother Russia?

It would be an honor to serve underneath you, sire.

Papa Tsar, the Mensheviks are at the back door and the Bolsheviks are at the

front door and the Litvaks are waiting their turn.

Ha! Our armies will repel them.

We'll spread the flanks and cut off their rear.

Cut off their rear sounds Greek to me.

And what does visionary madman Rasputin have to predict?

If there are breakers in Moscow, then he must do an arrest. It looks ridiculous.

Have you ever seen anything like this?

It's hot in here.

I'm thirsty.

I gotta have a drink.

No, no, no.

That will never do.

We must take a break. I must have time to compose myself.

Break, everyone.

Five minutes.

Phil Potts, I gotta hand it to you. You know that?

Good job.

Well, you see, as promised, Cashbox, the declination of working capital will

expedite your tax shelter lawsuit vigor.

You've lost a quarter of a million dollars on rehearsals alone.

Monetarium deterioratum is the legal term for it. Listen, I can feel the

dough slipping through my fingers right now. Are you kidding me? I'm home free.

I beat the government.

My get-out-of-jail-free card worked.

Let's run through it again with vigor this time.

Mr. Quinn, how nice to see you again.

I was just leaving the theater from a rehearsal of my starring role in Peace

of War. I never expected to see you here.

Well, I like to take late-night walks in the neighborhood.

Oh, well, then I guess this is my lucky night, because I wanted to talk to you.

I was so impressed by your knowledge in the restaurant that I said to myself,

well, here's a man who can really help my daddy back in Trotsville. You see, he

has a little trouble with the government agricultural subsidy program. Listen,

not here. Look, it's getting a little damp and cold out here. My place is

right around the corner.

Nice place you got here.

Thank you. I do my best.

You know, you wouldn't believe it, but the American people are the most

wasteful people on earth.

You wouldn't believe what they throw away.

You wouldn't believe it.

But everything in this apartment has been furnished from stuff I found in

garbage piles in the neighborhood.

Perfectly useful items, just like this. Perfectly useful.

You're just tossed away because of...

corruption in our society. Yes, yes, yes, Mr. Quinn, but about my daddy's tax

problem, you see... Oh, we'll talk about that later.

But first, don't you want to get a little bit more comfortable?

You

see,

my daddy said... One minute, Susan. Let me just go over these figures.

Obvious mistake, obvious.

Any fool could see that.

Well, you see, my daddy said that when... Now, if we just enter these

figures in this column here, and transpose this file here, and get a file

form 563216B, and then pay off the local field officer, of course, your father

can not only save his farm, but he can have the government pay him $9

,888,985.

Five cents.

How could I make a mistake like that? I never did that before.

Six cents.

Susie, you are a very, very rich woman.

If you let me handle this.

Mr. Quim, I'm not that kind of girl.

No.

And my daddy back in Trotsville says when the right man comes along, that

I'll know it right away. And that I should stay a virgin and... Oh, that

feels very, very good.

And that I shouldn't let anybody ever touch me. And oh, you are touching me,

aren't you?

And there are all kinds of degenerates in the big city that I should watch out

for. And where are you pushing me?

And I shouldn't just let anybody spread my legs.

You have spread my legs, haven't you?

And I shouldn't just let anybody...

Oh, that's a big, throbbing prick in my heart, heart, heart.

Oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh.

Oh,

oh,

oh, oh, oh. Oh, then you have done just that.

Oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh.

That feels very, very good.

I feel that big, hot cock throbbing inside of me.

And I feel it going in and out, in and out.

Daddy says, I'm coming.

And I'm going to explode in just two seconds if you keep that up in my day.

Oh, shit, I'm coming.

I wonder what it would take to make her shut the fuck up.

A great honor.

You're a terribly important man.

An angel of the theater.

I need this sack.

And a patron of the arts.

Oh, no.

Yes. Oh, cash box.

Quite the contrary, my dear. And so rich.

It is you who do me, Diana.

Are you comfortable, my dear?

I've never been more comfortable in my life.

Oh.

Rub my clit.

Rub my clit. Rub my clit.

And when I go round and round like this,

does that please you? Oh, it's wonderful.

Oh, don't take him out. I'll kill you.

Oh, yes.

Oh,

don't come, Rita.

Don't come. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't be greedy.

Don't take him out. Oh, just for a moment, please.

Be patient, my dear. It's going to be all right.

Yes. Yes.

Oh, cash box.

Oh.

Oh. Yes.

Yes.

Oh.

Oh.

Now I understand why Billy Haggard writes such lousy reviews for her paper.

You probably screwed her brains out.

I'm surprised she can still even sign her name.

Well, thank you very much, my dear. I've always admired a woman with intellect.

However, I didn't know Billy and I were common knowledge.

Cash box, darling.

Nothing you do could ever be common.

Have I ever told you how much I enjoy your theatrical reviews, Ruta?

Your writing style has such class, my dear.

And it's a breath of fresh air that you don't find each new play to be another

catastrophe.

When I sign my byline to my reviews, Ruta Beryl, I want everyone to know

about the kind of slop the theatrical producers dish out to the theater-going

public. My name stands for something.

Quite so, my dear. You are a veritable consumer protection agency to the

theater-going public, aren't you?

Damned right.

I tell the truth.

So those corrupt producers cannot profit from their shoddy plays and productions.

Hear, hear. Tell it like it is.

Just because Billy Haggard writes for the Daily Rag and they have a larger

circulation doesn't mean that everybody doesn't also read my reviews.

Oh, quite so. I read your review myself every day.

Why don't you dump that old bag?

I could take care of you a whole lot better.

I just might do that.

After the play I'm producing opens tomorrow night, I thought I'd make

certain arrangements between the two of us.

As a matter of fact, I don't see why we can't start our little relationship

right now.

As I mentioned earlier, the play I'm producing is opening tomorrow night, and

I thought... What the hell is this?

Are you giving me a bribe so I'll give your play a good review? No, it's an

honorarium, not a bribe. That's a goddamn bribe, and you know what?

Oh, that's what this whole scene is all about. You fuck my brains out. You give

me money, so I'll give your play a good review. Listen, listen.

Your play is going to get the lousiest review, the worst goddamn review I ever

wrote. I ever wrote. I'll kill that bastard.

And once more, get out of my way.

What'll I do?

What'll I do? She can't find me here. It'll cost me my job.

The bathroom, the bathroom.

Get your clothes right in the bathroom.

She's just a bitch.

I'll cut his balls off!

I'll kill the bastard!

Okay, Cashbox, where is she?

She, my dear, told me you're referring.

Don't give me that grammatical shit, you turd! Now where... Is she?

If you're insinuating that there's somebody in this room with me, I'm

afraid you're mistaken.

I smell another woman.

So help me if I find out that you've been cheating on me, I'll bite your

balls off. So help me.

Oh, Billy, why would I even think of another woman when I have you?

Easily. You're a man, aren't you? I think we firmly established that in the

past. Then prove it to me again.

What are you doing? Fuck me right now.

Oh, no, I have a very pressured schedule, my dear. You realize what time

it is?

Right now!

Oh, you're just hungry. You need a little bite to eat. I'll have Egg

Noodle, my butler, prepare a little snack. That's what we'll do. Right now!

A video cassette.

A little movie.

The Red.

Right now.

Listen, Cashbox. If you haven't been cheating on me, then you're going to

prove it to me right now.

I'll make it very clear.

You're going to perform, and you're going to perform damned well.

Or I'll give your play the best damned review you've ever seen. And that will

blow your tax shelter to hell and you right into jail.

So, you are going to fuck me now.

Like you've never fucked another woman in your whole life. Oh, I'll do the best

I can considering my... Cash box?

You can do better than that.

I'll start composing the review.

No, no, no, wait, we're making a little progress.

Last night, I had the pleasure of opening the new season with the most

remarkable play.

No, no.

I'm making some progress now, darling. Here.

Called Peace and War by a remarkable new playwright, Stan Slavsky.

Oh.

We're really making some progress now, Toots. Don't worry about it.

Although by some Broadway standards, it did have some faults.

Cash box.

You're in the right place.

I'll lick it harder.

The innovative approach.

Oh, you're approaching it.

Innovate it. Innovate my cunt lips with your tongue.

The innovative approach has

rendered a new...

Piece of art.

Aren't you there, couch box?

I need to feel your prick inside

me. Oh, great work.

Great work.

Yes. Great work.

Yes.

Oh.

Oh.

Nuts. Nuts. I can feel your nuts pressing against my ass.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, cash box, I accused you unjustly. How could you have screwed another woman

when you're fucking me like this?

Oh, fuck me more.

Gonna give me an orgasm. I can feel you tightening around me, squeezing me.

Yes.

I'll write the worst review that your play ever had.

Last night, I witnessed the worst piece of shit ever.

That any critic has ever been forced to endure.

Endure, endure.

Do more, do more.

It's gonna happen.

Yes.

Now you'll afford me a brief respite, my dear. Oh, yes, my darling, my precious

darling. Oh, rest, rest.

I'll just wash myself up a little.

I'll just fix myself up.

I'll use the bathroom.

Certainly, certainly.

No, no, the bathroom. You can't go into the bathroom, no.

No, no.

Why the hell not? Well, the plumbing's broken, of course.

Please don't go in there. It's not safe. Not safe for whom? I'm going to find out

who you've been fucking.

She's hidden... Oh.

You?

You bitch. Bad enough you spell like you never graduated kindergarten, but you

had to fuck Cashbox.

I'll fix you. I'll fix you both. I'll call your editor and have you out in the

street by tomorrow.

And you?

You'll be in jail by tomorrow night.

I'll fix your phony tax shelter tax charge.

So help me and I'll fix it good!

Some people just can't take a joke.

I am loyal to Mother Russia and the whole army.

All the business is my specialty.

I am a counselor to my people. I speak to them. I am not a sphinx.

I always knew some sphinx around here. Now I know.

Absolutely the greatest art play of the century.

You have to understand that we have just witnessed for the first time a truly

new art form of the theater.

You see, underneath all the pathos, it's a comedy.

You can't take the situation seriously. It's all a big joke.

You know, she's right. I think she's right.

Yes,

yes, come in, come in.

Oh, Susie, it's you.

Mr. Swarovski, I don't... This theater isn't what I thought it would be.

My child, what's upsetting you?

Well, to be truthful, I don't think the audience liked me in the first act.

Nonsense. It just takes a little time to warm up the audience.

Wait till the second act. That's your big scene.

You'll have them eating out of your hand.

Oh, Mr. Slavsky, I don't think I can do it. I mean, I don't think I'm ready for

this. It's just opening night jitters. Nothing to worry about.

I'm all hot and nervous.

What are you doing?

I'm sending you out there a kid, and you're coming back a star.

Oh.

To me, to me, Slavsky is the great American playwright.

Yeah, you're right.

You're always right.

It's a brilliant production.

Mr. Slavsky, I have so much admiration for you.

Greatness will always be recognized.

It is rather great.

In fact, it's greater than Mr. Quim's. He'd do it much better.

I was feeling better already.

I feel like I could conquer the world.

Amateurs, amateurs. God save me from the world of amateurs.

Genius is forever.

Well, maybe you're forever, but I'm about to come right now.

Mr. Slosky.

I don't wait.

I'm just about ready to... But the second act is starting, and I'm going to

go out there a kid and come back a star.

But Susie, you can't leave me in this condition. It's inhuman.

Mr. Slavsky, the first thing that we of the theater learn is the show must go

on.

Oh, nuts.

Little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

I can't wait to see the second act.

Hello, Vice Squad.

I feel at my civic duty to report an obscene play being performed at this

very instant at the Hysterium Theater.

That's right, nudity, sex acts, the whole nine yards.

Send a patrol car, or make it two. Better yet, send a wagon.

The White Russian armies will free us from the peasant hordes. It's only a

matter of time. Yes, just a matter of time.

Until I fix that son of yours.

The Red armies are pulling out of... Yes, pulled out, just as I was about

to... Hark, I think I hear the Tsarina approaching.

The Great Oracle of the Russians, Rasputinus, just made a prediction.

The peasants will remain loyal to the Tsar.

Hey, dimwit.

Forgot to do up your pants.

What are you doing?

Uh,

that Judge, uh, Hangman. Hangman's his name. That's right, Judge Hangman. You

better bring him along to declare the play obscene before you raid the

theater.

My name?

Oh, Alvin Framartath.

So, Haggard, you want to play dirty, huh?

Bring me my loyal peasant subjects so that I may hear of their loyalty with my

own ears. Yes, sire.

Oh, beloved tsar of the Russians, I'm just devastated by all of you.

What are you doing?

Stick to the script.

Don't touch me there, please.

Mother Russia is always here to embrace her children. Come to me, Anastasia.

Come and let me hold you to my bosom.

The plot has been exposed.

The Cossacks are pounding at the gate.

Oh, Papa Zor, let them in. Let them in.

Oh, so it is that kind of a show. Wow.

I did that in Peoria and got myself arrested.

And what does a great Russian oracle, Rasputin, have to say about this?

What will be the fate of the Russian people?

Speak, Rasputin.

Speak.

Lady, please. I have some peace and quiet. I want to enjoy my drink.

I've got to pick up this.

Hey, you can't leave like that.

It ain't professional.

possessed let me try your manhood really

cow she

I don't

Yeah.

Oh.

I hear bells and sirens.

obscene of all the plays and films that I have seen in my 50 years on the bench.

This is the worst indecency I have ever seen.

People fornicating on the public stage like cattle. No shame at all. The worst

case of coitus profundus I have ever seen.

Actors, actresses, no more than common whores using the theater as a

guise to show.

their smutty performance.

Well, hello, Judge Hangman. How nice of you to come to see our performance.

Hello there, Miss Slimtons.

On the other hand, sex between loving people can be considered a great work of

art. We must learn to discriminate between lewd acts and a beautiful play

such as this with redeeming social value.

Liquid assets.

Royal Phil Potts says you must invest.

In something doomed to fail, it will help you divest.

Cashbox says they'll call me a fake. Who cares about art when you need a tax

break? Produce something awful like a rotten Broadway play. Certain to close

on opening day.

Liquid assets will get you something.

If you don't hide them, you'll have to pay.

If you walk on easy street, careful where you plant your feet.

Cause money can save you higher.

It's a war.

We'll get you someday.

If you don't.