Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.BZ

♪♪ ["Purple Haze"]

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ

[audience cheering, applauding]

[cheering, applause continue]

Ahh, it's great to be here. It really is.

I love my job, and I love being here, performing for you.

And I love my job.

It's the greatest job in the world

for one very simple reason, and it's not the sharing of laughter

and all that horseshit.

It's the fact that I don't have a boss.

Picture that, if you will, and then envy me.

Because... every job I ever had with a boss,

man, always harassed, you know.

"Hicks, how come you're not workin'?"

I go, "There's nothin' to do."

"Well, you pretend like you're workin'."

"Well, why don't you pretend I'm workin'?

[laughing]

Yeah, you get paid more than me. You fantasize.

Pretend I'm mopping. Knock yourself out.

I'll pretend they're buying stuff.

We can close up.

I'm the boss now. You're fired.

How is that for a fantasy, my friend?

Huh? Ya like that? Good."

I don't know. I got a bad attitude, man.

I don't have a bad attitude. I got a great attitude.

I just got a classic face that--

I don't know what's wrong with my face,

but people I don't even know walk up to me out of the blue

and go, "What's wrong?"

[audience laughing]

Nothin'.

"Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile."

Yeah. You know it takes more energy to point that out

than it does to leave me alone?

Yeah, really. So why don't you get out of my face

and watch me fucking really start smiling?

I hate you.

[audience laughing]

So I'm up here, and it's Canada, and I'm thinking, you know,

Canada, cold.

[barking]

Huskies, you know. And I'm wearing, if you noticed,

the black cotton fuckin' turtleneck.

Because, ladies and gentlemen, apparently summertime

means the same thing even in the French provinces.

"What, are you a fucking idiot?

It's summertime, you fucking moron.

During the wintertime,

the Chez Parée girls are wearing parkas.

You lucked out."

They're in parkas and big boots. This sucks.

[laughing]

I don't like the summertime 'cause everyone goes to the beach.

I don't understand the beach. "The beach, the beach, the beach.

Let's go to the beach. Oh, I love the summertime.

It's so warm, finally. Let's go to the beach. Ooh!"

What's the fucking deal with the beach? I don't get it.

It's where dirt meets water, all right?

Is that that fucking amazing to you?

I got a bathtub and an imagination.

I'm staying indoors this summer.

That way I can listen to music I like.

[audience laughing]

Maybe I'm just jealous.

Man, everyone at the beach is perfect, you know.

Tan, white teeth. I got white skin, tan teeth.

[audience laughing]

Not my environment.

You put me under a neon beer light, I look pretty cool.

[audience laughing]

You know, my problem-- I'm so pale, man.

I take my shirt off at the beach,

it's like a fuckin' prism, man.

People are just, "Bill, put your shirt back on.

We can't find our towels."

All these moths are bumping into me.

What did moths bump into

before electric light bulbs were invented?

That's what I want to know.

The light bulb really screwed the moth up, didn't it?

First light bulb ever turned on. Billions of moths--

Hey, hey, hey, what's the fuckin' deal?

It's a light bulb. Chill out.

What did they do before?

Are there moths on the way to the sun right now going,

"It's gonna be worth it"?

[laughing]

"Fuck it. Let's go find Hicks." "All right."

[audience laughing]

Okay.

I just don't fit in, man. I don't fit in anywhere.

That's my problem.

You know my problem? I watch too much news.

I don't know if you've ever, ever, ever sat and watched CNN

longer than, say,

20 hours in one day.

I've gotta cut that out.

You ever watch CNN headline news for any length of time?

It's the most depressing fucking thing you will ever do.

"War, famine, death, AIDS,

homeless, recession, depression,

war, famine, death, AID--"

Then you look out your window, it's just--

[imitates crickets chirping]

Where is all this shit happening, man?

Ted Turner is making this shit up.

Jane Fonda won't sleep with him.

He runs to a typewriter.

"'By 1992, we will all die of AIDS.' Read that on the air.

I don't get laid, nobody gets laid."

[audience laughing]

I mean, I'm writing Jane Fonda.

"Will you fuck this guy so we can get some good news, please?"

I want to see a well-laid Ted Turner newscast.

"Hey, it's all gonna work out. Here's sports."

[audience laughing]

A big, stupid grin. [goofy laughter]

"Fuck, I'm getting laid right now. Fuck it. Hey."

So I'm from the States, as you can tell

by my complete lack of sophistication.

But that's okay,

because I've greased my hair

and I'm a little fuckin' poet tonight, all right?

I'm a little dark poet. That's who I am.

And during-- We had this big war thing happen.

I don't know if you caught any of that but, uh--

It was a very stressful time for me, the war.

I'll tell you why. I was in the unenviable position

of being for the war but against the troops.

[clears throat] And, uh... [audience laughing]

Not the most popular stance I've ever taken

on an issue, I must say.

I don't choose wisely always, and yet I'm committed.

So...

First of all, this needs to be said.

There never was a war.

"How can you say that, Bill?"

Well, a war is when two armies are fighting.

[audience laughing]

So you see right there I think

we can all agree

that it wasn't exactly a war. [chuckles]

And Bush, President Bush-- uh, complete surprise--

he turned into a demon, man.

When he was first president,

they called him the wimp president.

I mean, this was the cover of Newsweek.

"Wimp President."

Apparently, this stuck in this guy's craw.

The guy turned into a fuckin' demon, man.

"We surrender."

"Not good enough."

[audience laughing]

"If we run away--"

"Too little, too late.

We're having way too much fun."

[audience laughing]

Those guys were in hog heaven out there.

Do you understand, man?

They had a big weapons catalog opened up.

"What's G-12 do, Tommy?"

[audience laughing]

"Well, it says here it destroys everything

but the fillings in their teeth.

Helps us pay for the war effort."

"Well, shit, pull that one up."

"Pull up G-12, please."

[imitates rocket whooshing]

[imitates explosion]

"Cool. What's G-13 do?"

[audience laughing]

Weapons for all occasions.

And everyone got excited about the technology.

And I guess it was pretty incredible

watching a missile fly down an air vent.

Pretty unbelievable.

But couldn't we feasibly use that same technology

to shoot food at hungry people?

You know what I mean? Fly over Ethiopia.

"There's a guy that needs a banana." [imitates rocket whooshing]

[imitates rocket whooshing]

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

The stealth banana.

Smart fruit.

[audience laughing]

And I watched the Iraqian technology.

Man, I've never felt so good about myself.

I look at fuckin' bell-bottoms in my closet and go,

"That ain't that fuckin' bad, man."

What was the technology they were buying?

Where do they-- Are those available still now?

They could get harder shit off the streets of New York

right now, man.

Don't you think one of the key prerequisites

of a weapons system is, I don't know,

the ability to aim the fuckin' thing?

Is that-- Am I-- I don't know a lot about the military,

and yet I feel that would be key.

What was the Scud?

It was like launching a station wagon at people, man.

Like some Buick flying through the air,

some Iraqi driving.

"Allah!"

"Watch out. Here come one of them Buick Scuds.

Watch out, watch out!

Oop. In the ocean.

Those things are so hard to steer."

[chuckles]

"Allah!" Bloop, bloop, bloop.

"Allah!" Bloop-bloop bloop-bloop.

"Ah, Allah?" Bloop, bloop, bloop.

[imitates windshield wiper blades swishing]

"Allah.

[imitates car horn honking]

Allah."

Another Buick Scud.

[whispers] Oh God.

I guess the most amazing thing about the war--

obviously, the disparity in the casualties.

Iraq: 150,000 casualties.

U.S.A.:

79.

Let's go through those numbers again.

Um, they're a little baffling at first glance.

Iraq: 150,000.

U.S.A.:

79. 79.

79? Does that mean if we had sent over 80 guys,

we still would have won that fucking thing or what?

[audience laughing, applauding]

Just one guy in a ticker tape parade.

"I did it. Hey."

[audience laughing]

Once again, though, I was watching the CNN, man.

That blew it all. Man, all the anxiety.

Remember how it started?

They kept talking about the Elite Republican Guard

in these hushed tones.

Remember that? Like they were the bogeyman, you know?

"Yeah, we're doing well, but we have yet to face

the Elite Republican Guard."

Yeah, like these guys are 10 feet tall.

Desert warriors.

[imitates thundering footsteps]

Never lost a battle. [thundering footsteps]

"We shit bullets."

[imitates thundering explosion]

[thundering footsteps]

Well, after two and a half months

of continuous carpet bombing,

and not one reaction at all from these fuckers,

they became simply the "Republican Guard."

Not nearly as elite

as we may have led you to believe.

And after another month of continuous bombing,

and not one reaction at all ,

they went from the "Elite Republican Guard"

to the "Republican Guard"

to the Republicans made this shit up

about there being guards out there.

We hope you enjoyed your fireworks show.

[audience laughing]

People said, "Uh-uh, Bill.

Iraq had the fourth largest army in the world."

Yeah, well, maybe, but you know what?

After the first three largest armies,

there's a real big fuckin' drop-off, okay?

The Hare Krishnas are the fifth largest army in the world.

[audience applauding]

And they've already got our airports. So...

who is the greater threat?

People that bug me in the States--

people that said, "Hey, war made us feel better about ourselves."

Really?

Who are these people with such low self-esteem,

they need a war

to feel better about themselves?

I saw them on the news, waving their flags.

Could I recommend, instead of a war

to feel better about yourself,

perhaps...

sit-ups?

[audience laughing]

Maybe a fruit cup?

Six to eight glasses of water a day?

I'm not telling you how to live. I'm just recommending

perhaps a better way to feel better about yourself,

and we can avoid a conflagration.

[chuckles]

Merely a suggestion.

Get this. I'm down south recently.

I'm playing a town called Fyffe, Alabama, all right?

And it's right outside Sputnamburg,

for those of y'all who need a point of reference.

[audience laughing]

Anyway, I'm down there in Fyffe.

They want me to host their annual rickets telethon.

All right. Whatever.

It's great to be able to give something back.

[audience laughing]

Anyway, in this town--

This is absolutely true. It was in all the papers.

It was on CNN.

Apparently, everyone in this town

saw these UFO's.

Everyone in the town saw the UFO-- police chief, mayor.

They all saw the fuckin' UFO's, all right?

And I'm curious. I ask people what it was like.

"Oh, man, it was incredible. Incredible.

People came from miles around to look at 'em.

A lot of people came armed."

Excuse me?

People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings?

Don't you think there's a point

where we're gonna drop the fucking weapons?

I mean, the mother ship comes. Maybe we don't know everything.

Wow!

It's not like some intergalactic fuckin' skeet shoot.

"Ah, there goes one now!" [imitates shotgun blast]

Bringing shotguns to UFO sightings, man.

Kind of brings a whole new meaning to that phrase,

"You ain't from around here, are ya, boy?

[audience laughing]

Yep, they're little green people.

We call 'em boogers."

[audience laughing]

So I said to the guy-- I go,

"Why do you all bring shotguns to UFO sightings?"

He said, "Well, we don't wanna be abducted."

I'm thinking, "Yeah, and leave all this?

[laughing]

Dude, if I lived in this town, I'd be on my hands and knees,

praying for abduction every fuckin' day, all right?

And I wouldn't be picky. Greyhound.

[audience laughing]

Abduct me."

I said, "What do you mean, abducted?"

And he said, "Well, they abduct people

and they perform scientific and medical experiments on 'em."

I said, "Well, maybe we'll be lucky

and it's some type of sterility dentistry program

they got going.

Maybe they come down, castrate you,

straighten your teeth and split.

Sort of a 'clean up the universe' pact."

He said, "Huh?"

[audience laughing]

And I'll tell you something, too,

that's starting to annoy me about UFO's--

the fact that they cross galaxies or universes to visit us

and always end up in places like Fyffe, fuckin' Alabama.

Maybe these aren't super-intelligent beings.

You know what I mean? Maybe they're like hillbilly aliens,

some intergalactic Joad family or something, you know.

Don't you all wanna land in New York or L.A.?

[Southern accent] "Nah, we just had a long trip.

We're gonna kick back and whittle somethin'."

[raucous laughter]

Oh, my God, they're idiots.

"We're gonna enter our mother ship in the tractor pull."

[goofy laughter]

Last thing I wanna see is a flying saucer up on blocks

in front of some trailer, you know?

Bumper sticker on it-- "They'll get my ray gun

when they pry my cold, dead 18-fingered hand off of it."

Oh, my God, we're being invaded by rednecks.

Get this. Another true story.

This is gonna frighten you 'cause it's absolutely true.

I'm down in that town, Fyffe.

After the show I go to a Waffle House.

I'm not proud of it. I'm hungry.

[audience laughing]

I'm eating. I'm alone. And I'm reading a book.

Waitress walks over to me. [smacking sound]

[Southern accent] "Hey, what you readin' for?"

[audience laughing]

Is that, like, the weirdest question ever?

I have never ever been asked that.

You know-- "What are you reading?"

Okay. But "What are you reading for"?

Well, shit, you stumped me.

Why do I read? Hmm, hmm.

I don't know. I don't-- I don't know.

I guess I read for a lot of reasons, you know,

and one of them is so I don't end up being

a fuckin' waffle waitress, all right?

[audience laughing, applauding]

Then this trucker in the next booth gets up,

stands over me and goes, "Well...

looks like we got ourselves a reader."

[audience laughing]

What the fuck's going on here?

It's like I walked into a Klan rally

in a Boy George outfit or something.

[audience laughing, applauding]

It's a fucking book. I read. There, I said it.

Waitress goes, "Why read when you can just flip on the tube?"

"'Cause it's not the same.

What do you think I'm reading, Hee Haw: The Book?"

[audience laughing]

She said, "Huh?"

[audience laughing]

So have you ever been to a Waffle House

and you notice that the menus

has pictures of the food on it?

[audience laughing]

Yeah.

[laughing]

[imitating monkeys grunting]

[grunting continues]

[loud grunting]

[audience laughing, applauding]

It is frightening to know

that in many parts of our world right now

people are yelling, "Revolution, revolution."

And in other parts they're yelling, "Evolution."

"We want our thumbs."

[audience laughing]

It's an insane world, but I'm proud to be part of it.

I do smoke. If this bothers anybody,

I recommend you looking around the world in which we live

and shutting your fuckin' mouth.

[laughing]

I doubt it.

[audience laughing]

How many-- Oh, oh, quickly,

how many non-smokers are here tonight?

Non-smokers. By round of applause.

Let's hear it, non-smokers.

Good.

[audience laughing]

'Cause I have something that I want to tell you,

and I'm glad you've all conglomerated here tonight.

Save me some breath,

which is obviously very short.

I'm gonna tell you non-smokers something right now

that I know for a fact you don't know,

and I delight in telling my brothers things they don't know,

particularly when they're true, which this is.

Ready?

Non-smokers, ready?

Drumroll.

[imitating drumroll]

Non-smokers die...

every day.

Sleep tight.

[laughing]

You see, I know you entertain

some type of eternal life fantasy

because you've chosen not to smoke.

Let me be the first to-- [imitates explosion]

pop that fuckin' bubble

and send you hurtling back to reality.

You're dead, too.

And you know what doctors say? "Shit, if only you'd smoked,

we'd have the technology to help you."

[audience laughing]

It's you people dying from nothing that are screwed.

I got all sorts of neat shit waiting for me.

Oxygen lung tents.

It's like going to Sharper Image when I die.

[audience laughing]

Yeah, people say the stupidest things, too.

"Hey, you quit smoking, you get your sense of smell back."

I live in New York City. I don't want my sense of smell.

[sniffing] Is that urine?

[audience laughing]

I think I smell a dead fella.

Anyone remember this? This is pretty weir--

Anyone remember when Yul Brynner died

and came out with that commercial after he was dead?

You remember that? "I'm Yul Brynner,

and I'm dead now."

What the fuck's this guy selling?

[laughing]

"I'm Yul Brynner, and I'm dead now

'cause I smoked cigarettes."

Pretty scary, but they could've done that with anybody, man.

Guy in the States-- this guy, Jim Fixx--

was a health nut, runner, jogger.

Wrote books about jogging.

Had a heart attack while jogging and died.

[chuckling]

[audience laughing]

They should've done that commercial with that guy.

"I'm Jim Fixx, and I'm dead now.

And I don't know what the fuck happened.

I jogged every day, ate nothing but tofu.

I'm dead.

Yul Brynner smoked, drank and got laid every night of his life.

He's dead.

Shit."

[audience laughing]

Yul Brynner smoking, drinking.

Girls are sitting on his cue-ball noggin

every night of his life.

[laughing]

[clears throat] But I know what you non-smokers are thinking right now.

"That's real cute, Bill. That's real cute.

That's a cute little smoking thing you just did.

And we want you to keep doing it, son,

while you still have the breath left in you to do it!"

[sighs] That is my big fear in life--

doing smoking jokes in my act, you know,

then showing up five years from now--

[hoarse voice] Good evening, everybody.

[audience laughing]

Remember me?

I was wrong.

Smoking is real fuckin' bad for you.

No joke.

[laughing]

[groans]

I've seen people do that. You ever see anyone do that?

Is that the spookiest fuckin' thing you've ever seen?

You ever seen that? Isn't that unbelievable?

If you're smoking out of a hole in your fuckin' neck,

I'd think about quitting.

[audience laughing]

Wouldn't you, I mean, at that point?

Chew some gum or something. I'm not--

I'm not telling you how to live.

I'm recommending use your options.

This shows a commitment I cannot fuckin' relate to.

I mean, we're beyond image at that point, I think.

[audience laughing]

Jesus. What's next for that guy, you know?

"I just can't stop.

[audience laughing]

It gets worse and worse every year.

I'm telling you, man, I can't quit!

I cannot quit smoking.

[audience laughing]

And they're starting to taste like shit."

[audience laughing]

Dude, you have a cigarette in your butt!

May I recommend Nicorette gum?

I'm Bill Hicks, and I'm dead now

'cause I smoked cigarettes.

Cigarettes didn't kill me.

A bunch of non-smokers kicked the shit out of me one night.

I tried to run. They had more energy than I.

I tried to hide. They heard me wheezing.

[audience laughing]

But now I'm in heaven,

sniffing Yul Brynner's noggin.

[inhales deeply] Whoo! Party time!

[inhales deeply] Whoo!

See, imagine being in heaven with Yul Brynner.

Me and Yul Brynner, right? And Jim Fixx is there.

We're comparing our lives.

"Hey, Yul, remember that one night we got so fucked up

and we got laid, and all those girls, we were fucking 'em.

It was great. [laughs]

Jim, what about you?"

"Well, one night I ate too much tofu,

then went jogging."

"Yeah, great.

Um, anyway...

[coughs] Man, I know it's nasty,

but I'm addicted, all right?

And it tastes so good, too.

It's a shame it's that secondary smoke that stinks so bad

'cause the stuff we're sucking up is fucking great, man.

Mmm.

Steak and potatoes.

[audience laughing]

Lobster.

Yul Brynner's noggin. Ow.

I'm a heavy smoker. I go through about two lighters a day now.

And, uh...

Is that a lot?

You can't imagine how thrilled I was, any smoker to be,

to find out there's a different warning on each pack.

Mine say, "Warning: Smoking may cause

fetal injury or premature birth."

Fuck it. [laughs]

I found my brand.

[audience laughing]

Just don't get the ones that say lung cancer, you know.

Shop around.

It is your body.

"Yeah, give me a carton of low birth weight."

[audience laughing]

I'll put it out.

The problem is that no one knows what pornography is.

That's the problem.

Supreme court of the United States

says pornography is any act that has no artistic merit

and causes sexual thought.

That's their definition.

No artistic merit, causes sexual thoughts.

Hmm.

Boy, that sounds like every commercial on television to me.

You know, when I see those two twins

on that Doublemint commercial--

I'm almost embarrassed to tell you all this. Uh...

I'm not thinking of gum.

[laughs]

[audience laughing]

♪ Double your pleasure

Yeah, honey, where's the Wrigley's?

I feel like chewing something.

[snorts, barks]

[shouts]

Doesn't every commercial blatantly use sex to sell the product?

I believe most of them do.

Here is the commercial they'd like to do, I guarantee you.

We may see this one day yet,

but this is the ultimate television commercial they want to do.

Here's the woman's face, beautiful.

Camera pulls back.

Naked breast.

Camera pulls back. She's totally naked,

legs apart.

Two fingers right here.

And it just says "Drink Coke."

[audience laughing, applauding]

Now, I don't know the connection here,

but Coke is on my shopping list this week.

Snickers.

♪ Dr Pepper

No, I don't know the connection.

Yes, I am buying these products.

My teeth are rotting out of my head.

I'm glued to my television.

More Snickers, more Coke.

More Snickers, more Coke.

I love these products.

But, you see, once again my voice--

The voice was not heard. My voice was not heard.

The questions were not asked that I wanted to see asked.

And once again the issue just went berserk.

"Pornography causes sexual thoughts."

No one asked these four questions:

Yeah? And? So? What?

When did sex become a bad thing?

Did I miss a meeting?

"Bill, we had a big vote. Fucking's out.

You were asleep."

[audience laughing]

Can I still vote?

Playboy pornography causes sexual thought.

Penthouse pornography causes sexual thought.

Madonna videos, pornography, causes sexual thoughts.

You know what causes sexual thoughts?

I'm gonna clear the air for you tonight.

I'm gonna end this debate, hopefully, once and for all

while on this planet,

'cause outer space awaits our presence.

We are better and more unique creatures than this,

and all eternity is our playground.

So let me go ahead and clear this one issue up

once and for all and let's move on to real issues.

Can we? Great.

Here's what causes sexual thoughts.

You ready? Drumroll. [imitating drumroll]

Having a dick.

Or if you're a woman, having, you know--

But whatever. I'm speaking for me tonight.

And I can speak for every guy in this room tonight, too.

Guys, in the course of our day, anything can cause

a sexual fuckin' thought.

You could be on a bus, a trolley.

It's rocking kind of nice.

[laughing]

Pants are a little tight.

"Oh, my God, I'm getting a woody.

I'm getting a woody on a bus."

What are we gonna do? Ban public transportation?

[audience laughing]

Before Playboy, before Penthouse,

before pornographic movies or Madonna videos every existed,

people still had sexual thoughts,

okay?

"How do you know that?"

We're here.

Somebody's been fuckin'.

[audience laughing]

You follow your family tree back.

At every branch...

fuckin'.

[audience laughing]

It's true. What caused it way back then?

Well, maybe the wagon train ride out west.

[laughing]

♪♪ [humming Western tune]

"I don't know what she has under that gingham skirt,

but when we stop for water, baby, we're fuckin'."

♪ I got a woody on the trail ♪

♪ I got a woody on the trail

You see, they're getting the cart before the horse

on this pornography issue.

Playboy does not create sexual thoughts.

There are sexual thoughts,

and, therefore, there is Playboy.

Don't you see?

I know these sound like wild philosophical musings here.

What came first, the hard-on or the Madonna video?

Uh... ooh...

And if a hard-on falls in the forest

and no one's around...

[audience laughing]

do you go blind? I don't know.

[audience laughing]

And what does an atheist scream when they cum?

That's another one, too.

"Oh, chemical chance! Chemical chance!"

[laughing]

What-- What would you-- If you were an atheist,

what would you yell?

"Oh, fate. Fate and destiny.

Fate and destiny."

"Chemical chance. Chemical chance.

Big bang!" [laughs]

[audience laughing]

[gibbering] I'm getting that close to hell right now.

Ooh hoo hoo! It's gettin' a little warm.

You know what, though? I find it ironic

that people who are against things

that cause sexual thoughts

are generally fundamentalist Christians

who also believe you should be fruitful and multiply.

Isn't that weird?

Don't you think they'd be for things that cause sexual thoughts?

You know what I mean? Maybe even a centerfold in the Bible?

[chuckles] I don't know.

Miss Deuteronomy?

[audience laughing]

"Turn-offs: floods, locusts and smokers.

[audience laughing]

Turn-ons: myrrh."

I don't know what myrrh is. Chicks dig it.

Back to my room, baby. I got your myrrh. Whoo!

I did that joke in Alabama.

These three rednecks met me after the show.

"Hey, buddy! Come 'ere.

Hey, Mr. Comedian, come 'ere."

Yeah, I love that move. "Come 'ere."

[audience laughing]

Not a physics major.

[audience laughing]

I think that's a safe bet.

"Mr. Funny Man, come 'ere.

Hey, buddy, we're Christians. We don't like what you said."

I said, "Then forgive me."

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

Later, when I was hanging from the tree--

I was hanging next to this little green fellow.

[audience laughing]

Christians who kill.

Ah.

We're about out of ideas on this planet, aren't we?

That's why I love people like George Bush

or this guy, Pat Robertson, this televangelist in the State.

These are Christians for stronger nuclear armament.

Oh, what a great deal of faith.

'Cause I know if Jesus were here,

he'd probably have an Uzi on him.

Don't you think he would? Yeah, he would.

The prince of peace is back,

but he's pissed off.

"Fuck you, Pilate.

[imitating gun firing]

I'm back.

I didn't tell you what kind of mood I was coming back in,

did I, fuckers?" [laughing]

"Y'all, it's Jesus. He's back, but he's pissed.

He's yelling something about the cross.

I didn't catch it." [imitates gunshots]

Jesus.

[laughing]

You know, I don't know what you all believe in.

I don't really care.

But you have to admit beliefs are odd.

A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks.

Do you think when Jesus comes back,

he ever wants to see a fucking cross?

[laughing]

It's kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis

with a little sniper rifle pendant, you know.

"Hey, Jackie, just thinkin' of John.

[clicking tongue, chuckling]

We loved him.

We loved-- [grunting]

Boom.

He was great."

Okay, it's time for some-- time for a question.

This question I'm going to ask you

is very crude.

[laughing]

Are there actually women in the world

who do not like to give blow jobs?

[audience laughing]

I see a lot of guys on dates,

got their fingers crossed here tonight.

[audience laughing]

"Answer him, honey. Go ahead.

Let's hear how you feel about this right now.

Go ahead. Speak up. Let's hear it."

The reason I ask, all right,

I was with this one woman one time,

and she goes down there for like three seconds

and starts coming back up.

[audience laughing]

And I'm going, "Uh-uh."

[grunting]

[groaning]

God-- Unless you're getting up,

then put ice in your mouth.

[audience laughing]

Anyway, without getting graphic...

[audience laughing]

She actually said to me, "I think you've had enough."

[audience laughing]

Huh?

"I think you've had enough."

Really? [chuckles]

I think...

you're gonna know when I've had enough.

[audience laughing]

Mm-hmm.

It's a pretty definite ending to this.

Not a lot of gray area.

Fairly cut and dry.

But, anyway, it blew my mind and that's all it blew.

So I've been inquiring from audiences

why people-- and I'm not asking women--

why people, in general, don't do everything with their lover.

I can't conceive of that. I don't understand it.

I hear complaints on both sides. "I don't do that.

I don't do that. I don't do that."

But why-- Let's just get more specific.

You ladies don't-- won't-- I mean, don't--

I mean, not all of you, but why won't you do that to your guy

and make that, I don't know,

[shouting] the focal point of your existence

while on this planet?

You know what I mean? [laughing]

I mean, why wouldn't you want to do that

[shouting] every second you're awake?

I mean, you know, why don't you,

you know--

I don't understand why that's so--

[laughing]

You know-- Actually, a woman one night yelled out,

"Yeah, you ever try it?"

[audience laughing]

I said, "Yeah.

[audience laughing]

Almost broke my back."

[audience laughing]

It's that one vertebra.

I swear to God, it's that close.

I think that vertebra is going to be the thing to go

in our next evolutionary step.

[audience laughing]

Just a theory and a fervent prayer!

Yeah, now all the guys are going,

"Honey, I have no idea what he's talking about.

I think he's a devil child."

That may be true but, guys,

you know what I'm talking about.

I can speak for every guy here in this room tonight.

Guys, if you could blow yourselves,

ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now...

[audience laughing]

watching an empty stage.

[laughing]

Boy, my folks are proud of me.

"Bill, honey, you still doing that 'suck your own cock' bit?"

[audience laughing]

Yeah, Mom. "Good, baby.

That's such a crowd pleaser.

How clever of you to come up with

a 'suck your own cock' bit, honey.

You're so clever,

it makes your mama's bosom swell with pride,

knowing her son is traveling the world

using his given surname,

going out in front of rooms of total strangers

and doing the 'suck your own cock' piece."

Thanks, Mom. "No biggie."

So I asked this woman who said that, "You ever try it?"

I said, "Let me ask you. Why don't you like to do that to your guy?"

"Because it's disgusting."

Disgusting?

Well, that's a little harsh.

[audience laughing]

And also a double standard, 'cause you know what?

I have never heard you ladies say it's disgusting

when we're down between your legs,

gnawing away.

[high-pitched voice] "Oh, this is so gross.

[audience laughing]

I'm gonna throw up.

Oh, don't put your finger in my a-- Oh, that's rude."

I've never heard that.

[audience laughing]

Then again, maybe I can't hear it

'cause your thighs are clamped--

[audience laughing]

[groaning] God, I hope she's enjoying this.

I'm getting a headache down here.

Yeah, I feel like drinking a Coke, too.

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

"Bill, honey, you still doing that...

'eating the pussy' piece?"

Yeah, Mom. "Great.

You know, son, many people at Sunday school

ask me when you're gonna be performing in the area.

[audience laughing]

Bill, they're always so curious to see

the material you're doing now,

and they're all sure they wanna see

the 'suck your own cock' bit

followed by the 'eat the pussy' sketch.

Bill, I only wish your grandparents was still alive.

[audience laughing]

If only you hadn't put 'em in the Chuck Norris film, baby.

I wish to God your grandparents could see their grandson

on the stage using his given surname,

performing the 'suck their own cock' bit

plus the pussy-eatin' sketch."

Maybe they're hearing it in heaven, Mom.

"You think?"

"Son, is there any way I could ask you

to type up the 'suck your own cock' bit

and so I can pin it to your grandmama's headstone?"

[audience laughing]

All right. All right, all right, all right.

I'm going. It's too far. Too far.

Quit it, Bill. Quit it.

You've been a wonderful audience.

And I love being here. And you've been excellent all week.

And this has been absolutely the best thus far.

All of my point is-- All of my point is,

is there's a lot of ways to look at the world.

You know what I'm saying?

Why pick the way you learn over TV?

'Cause it's usually wrong.

You ever see a good drug story on the news? Never.

News is supposed to be objective.

Isn't it supposed to be

the news?

But every drug story is negative.

Whoa, hold it.

I've had some killer fuckin' times on drugs.

Let's hear the whole story.

Same LSD story every time, and we've all heard it.

Young man on acid thought he could fly.

Jumped out of a building.

What a tragedy.

What a dick.

If he thought he could fly why didn't he take off from the ground

and check it out first?

You don't see ducks lined up to catch elevators to fly south.

He's an idiot. He's dead.

Good.

You mean there's one less moron in the world?

Wow, what a fuckin' tragedy, huh?

I guess I'm one car length up in traffic tomorrow.

[coughs] How about a positive LSD story?

That would be newsworthy, don't you think?

Anybody think that? Just once

to hear a positive LSD story?

"Today, a young man on acid

realized that all matter

is merely energy condensed

to a slow vibration,

that we are all one consciousness

experiencing itself

subjectively.

There is no such thing as death.

Life is only a dream,

and we are the imagination of ourselves.

Here's Tom with the weather."

[audience laughing]

You guys are great. Thank you very much.

Good night.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[cheering, applause continue]

[no audible dialogue]