Original subtitles

Previously on Best Medicine...

So, you want to leave the big city

to come be our small town doctor.

Welcome to Port Wenn, Dr. Best.

Get out of here. Go!

I find the people here far too chatty.

Louisa dumped me two weeks before our wedding.

You've been mooning over her ever since

the first day you got here.

-Hey. -Louisa.

-Can you make a fist? -Is something wrong?

A doctor who's afraid of blood.

I could be

really helpful to you.

You have an employee taking blood without a license.

The medical board won't like that.

They're gonna investigate you.

-What kind of doctor am I? -You just saved

that little boy's life.

I'm happy to pretend it never happened.

I don't have time for drama

because I want to have a baby.

I know a specialist that you'd wanna talk to.

-How do you know Martin? -We used to date.

When's the best time

to tell your kid that he's not your kid?

You know what I saw fishing?

Sea urchins for miles.

We're going to be rich!

All of us!

I looked online.

A sudden deafness. It's a real thing.

It could be bacteria or even a brain tumor.

Well, I hate to have to say it, but...

it does look like a tumor.

Extremely large. Yep.

We're gonna have to amputate from the neck up.

-What? -Tommy, the next time

you don't want to go to school,

just hide in your attic or run away from home.

Keep me out of it.

-What? Uh... -Goodbye. Out.

-Uh... Oh! -Out!

How long are you gonna be here today?

-As long as I feel like. -You do realize

I'm a highly-celebrated surgeon

who's vastly overqualified for this job.

I certainly don't need a monitor.

I'll be the judge of that.

Literally, that's why I'm here.

And... And where did you go to medical school again?

Cayman Islands Institute of Medicine.

Right, I don't remember seeing you at Harvard.

-And you know what's funny? -Hmm, what's funny?

Now, it's my job

to decide whether you keep your job.

I'll tell you,

these little bastards are about to be the death of me.

No, seriously, I'm exhausted.

Huh, what are you two griping about?

It's like we have an ATM in the middle of our harbor.

And I can't stop making a withdrawal,

even if it kills me.

Yeah, you know, I... I really could use a day off.

Oh, sorry, son, that tuition isn't paying itself.

But I will treat you two to lunch

at the Salty Breeze, huh?

Nope. Not hungry, Bert.

So, how long you gonna give me the cold shoulder?

A month? A year? Uh...

yeah, are you even gonna say goodbye to me

before you leave for Columbia?

Oh. I don't know.

You did lie to me about not being my real dad

-for, like, my whole life, so... -Hmm.

You know, I gotta pick up Judith at the hospital,

so I better, uh...

Ease up on him, Al. Ease up.

-Hey, send her our love, huh? -I will.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. -Oh, oh, ow!

-Oh, my God. Oh, no. -Okay.

Greg, I've never had to wait this long for a damn table.

Hey, we... we were waiting, too.

We... We drove all the way from Portland for the uni.

Well, I've been coming here 18 years for the lobster roll.

-Oh, really? -Honey, it's okay.

These people are what make this experience so authentic.

Authentic?

-I'll show you authentic. -No!

Clyde!

-I'll show you... -Clyde!

-I'm gonna... -Clyde!

How many times have I told you?

Oh, my goodness.

Yes, you're so beautiful, yeah. Oh!

Aw, she's adorable.

Oh, well, the next Port Wenn baby will be yours.

Oh. Here's hoping.

Cute little nugget, Bree.

Congrats.

We would've made a cute one, but you were right.

Too complicated. Later, gator.

-Thanks for the rattle. -Yeah.

Whoa!

Damn.

This new config, still not feeling it.

It's the perfect vacation for couples,

families, and kids of all ages.

So, Port "When", are you coming to visit?

Brought to you by the Port Wenn Town Council.

I told you that girl was a star.

It was the smartest thing that the council ever did,

was make her the face of Port Wenn.

Elaine on TV!

Fights in our restaurant.

A whole new world.

You're next.

-Oh, hello, Louisa. -Hello.

May I see you?

Uh, I just wanted to say goodbye

before I head back to Boston.

Oh, good, I'm glad.

Um, not that you're going, I mean, saying goodbye.

-Uh... -This weekend.

-Mm-hmm? -It was...

nice.

It was. Yeah, mm-hmm.

I'd say things have been going... well.

I would say the same thing.

Now, should I start looking for apartments

for you in Boston?

What? W... Why would you say that?

Uh, isn't that the plan?

To get off probation, go back to Boston,

be a surgeon again?

-Well... -I mean...

after all that gets sorted,

what exactly is keeping you here?

Louisa.

What? No!

I... I don't even know why you would say that.

What do you mean? Why would you...

-Why would you... -I still need to see Louisa.

So is it okay if I...

-I see her here? -Oh.

Yes.

-Yes, of course. -Thank you.

Absolutely, of course. Yes.

How many times do I have to tell you?

"You're an old bag of bones. You need to retire.

Why can't you be like the other old ladies?"

Finally, you agree with me.

Like, just sell the boat, and take up Mahjong.

Too trendy.

What is that?

A person.

What? Hey, wait.

Martin. Martin.

Well, I've seen a lot of things in my day,

but this is a first.

What's wrong with her?

She's suffering from minor exposure,

but other than that, she seems okay.

Seems kind of fishy to me.

Hi. You okay?

You're safe. You're safe. Just... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

-You're okay. You're safe. -Oh, no. No, no, sweetheart.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa.

-Call Sheriff Mark. -Okay, I'm going.

-You ready? -Oh, I'm so sorry

-to keep you waiting. -Oh, no, uh, please.

Beats me having to go all the way to Boston.

Hmm. Anyway, you know the drill, so we're just gonna...

-Oh, yeah. -do a quick blood draw...

-Okay. -and check your levels.

Okay. Yeah.

So, how are you handling the shots?

Is there anything I should know about, or...

Uh, uh, no. No, uh, I'm...

-I'm a little tired. -Yeah.

You know, insurance isn't covering all of this,

so I'm having to pick up other work.

Understood. Any doubts?

Fears? You can tell me.

People find me very easy to talk to.

No. Uh, no.

E... Ever since I decided to do it on my own,

uh, I have had no doubts whatsoever.

-Clear skies ahead. -Mm.

I admire you.

You know, letting go of the fantasy.

-The fantasy? -Oh, you know,

falling in love, getting pregnant,

the perfect man holding your hand

as you push out your baby, all that...

...nonsense.

Yeah, that sounds so crazy.

Mm! I can't even tell you the amount of women

who held out for the husband and the baby,

only to find themselves at 50,

barren, swiping on Hinge.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Hey, I love our girl talks.

-Samesy. -Mm!

Port "When" are you gonna come visit?

Thank you, and to you.

Every day?

I was gonna say, "Port where have you been?"

Boat christening,

and then a photo op at Karla's bait shack.

Doc said that I could go.

I might be making that last part up.

It's fine. Who am I to interfere?

If you don't want to interfere,

why did you renovate this entire office?

Tell me that I have to dress like a dental hygienist.

I mean, nice improvements, I would say.

This place looks like a... doctor's office.

Yes, and you look like someone who works here.

I want to remind you that Martin is in this mess

with the medical board because things get a little too

loosey-goosey around here.

By "loosey-goosey", do you mean

helping Doc when he needed me?

Oh. Oh, I need to go.

-I actually do need to go now. -Couldn't agree more.

Yeah. Nope.

Nope.

Now, this one looks like marriage material.

She's got gravitas.

Nose like an emperor.

-I don't know. -Come on, Marky.

Time is running out. Tick-tock, tick-tock.

Mom, I'm not that old.

Not for you, sweetheart, for me.

My biological grandmother clock is ticking.

I want some more little Markys running around out there.

I don't know, all the women I'm meeting are great.

It's just I'm like...

I'm like looking for one that makes me smile

so hard that my face hurts, you know?

You sure?

Happy-go-lily 33 couldn't make that gorgeous face hurt?

Okay, maybe I should just marry happy-go-lily 33.

-Give up on the whole... -Marky,

you're too young, and too brilliant

to give up on anything.

No, maybe I should just grow up.

Forget about the fairy tale.

Maybe it doesn't exist, you know?

Hello? What?

Okay.

I gotta go, Ma.

Someone just found a mermaid.

Oh!

Is she okay?

I mean, why is she dressed like this?

I don't know.

Why are you dressed like that?

Uh...

She appears to be just extremely exhausted.

-Did you call Bar Harbor? -Yeah, they're busy.

-What do you mean, busy? -They had four ambulance teams,

-and now it's down to two. -Great.

Well, I'll just take a number, and hope we live.

Dr. Best, may I speak to you?

Don't take your eyes off of her.

Your fridge is empty.

Well, actually, it was full until you...

I'm leaving, and I wanted to do a little check-in.

Mm-hmm.

So far, you're doing very well.

Your practice is run impeccably,

and no sign of any major impairment

from your little phobia.

I'm so pleased.

Now, we have three more months left together,

and as you know, my report factors heavily

into the board's decision about your license.

As you remind me, every week.

So, maybe some tuna fish,

sardines, sour cherry juice, and a stream of whoopie pies.

I'll be back...

When you least expect it.

You know, here's the thing.

I... I will expect it because you just told me.

Just...

-Dr. Best? -Peter.

Uh, wait.

I'm not late for school.

I just wanted to talk to you for a second.

Okay, what... what is it?

Is that lady still here?

The one who eats? No, she just left.

No, the one who smiles and says,

"What's a boy and a dirty dog doing in a doctor's office?"

Oh, no, she's gone, too.

Phew.

Copernicus is really unhappy.

Oh.

-Why's that? -Now that that lady's

not letting him hang around here anymore,

Copernicus is really missing you.

You used to spend a lot of time with him.

And now you're not.

Hmm.

That is sad.

But I think Copernicus needs to realize

that part of life is that things change.

You don't miss him?

You know, I think maybe Copernicus

shouldn't be hanging out with me.

You know, I think maybe he should be hanging out

with... dogs his own age.

Forget you!

-Well, Peter! -Come on, Copernicus.

Doc? She's alert.

My name is Dr. Martin Best. What's your name?

Can you understand what I'm saying?

Okay, good, can you tell me where you're from?

Would... would you like to try some water?

-Oh, okay. That's fine. -All right, that's a new one.

-Doc, what's going on? -Nope? Okay.

Whoa. Whoa.

-It is a mermaid. -No, Mark.

-Of course it's not a real... -I know. I know.

No. I'm just, like...

What am I, like five? Amid, like...

Whoa!

I'm Mark.

-Hey. Are you thirsty? -Oh.

-What's your name? -It's actually not a good idea.

What did I do?

We need to examine you

and get myself dry, and try to find my dignity,

and you, my assistant, Elaine, will get your clothes.

Boo! Bah-bah-gah.

It's so beautiful. That's her mermaid language.

Ooooh!

Bah-bah-bah-noo-mah.

Foo! Bah-la-la-la...

-Ding-dong-dong. -Mark.

Yeah, I'm just trying to meet her where she is, Doc.

-That... That's not... -Okay.

There are no signs of a stroke or anything neurological.

Can you try and speak again?

Goop-o-hoof-ben-di-yo-ba.

Doc, what's happening?

-She's having a seizure. -Okay.

-Help me lie her down. -All right.

Okay, her blood sample is being tested.

-What is going on? -Yeah.

Is she under an evil spell?

Mark, how many times do I have to tell you?

Probably a few more. I just like the idea. Okay?

Okay. Look. I think she has hypernatremia.

Elevated sodium from ingesting salt water.

It would explain the odd behavior and seizures.

Now, the good news is the IV fluid should take care of it.

Uh, where did she go?

She just had a seizure. Why did she leave?

Mermaids don't have insurance, Doc.

Um, hi. Hello, everyone.

I'm sorry. Has anybody seen a mermaid?

Uh, um, hello?

Doc. It's Sarah. Judith is home,

and she needs help with her oxygen tank.

-It's not a good time. -Martin, you promised.

When Judith came home

from the hospital, that you would help us.

I can't be everywhere at once, Aunt Sarah.

-What could possibly... -Don't worry. I'll find her.

-She couldn't have gone far. -Okay.

...come over here and help her

-with her oxygen tank. -She could be very sick,

so don't waste any time being...

-you. -Got it.

Mermaid in distress. Why am I smiling?

-Ah, here we go. -...Those people gave me

no instructions, none whatsoever. And if you...

Mmm...

Mana-laaa-oooh?

Worth a try.

You see this?

This is the second time this week.

I should sue myself for unsafe working conditions.

Georgie.

Is it time for the walk-in?

It seems so.

Oh!

This is extremely inconvenient. Let's make this quick.

Oh, little Marty. Polite as usual.

-I won't offer you coffee. -Good.

I save my manners for people who actually follow doctor's orders.

No, you don't.

But he does make a good point, Judith.

We've all been telling you for years.

You've got to stop smoking. You've gotta stop smoking.

And now you end up in the hospital for two weeks

with double pneumonia.

Yes, all right. I will not smoke at this table.

I will not smoke at this coffee pot.

I will not smoke at this lamp.

That's what she's been doing since she got back.

Okay, I gotta go get paid.

It's just a little trick. Mind over matter.

How about a nicotine patch instead?

Just show me how to use this thing,

Mr. Busy Harvard Medical Degree.

You use this when you need extra help breathing.

But most importantly,

this is compressed oxygen.

On or off, you cannot have an open flame anywhere.

I got it. I got it.

No smoking. No smoking. No smoking.

I haven't had a cigarette for two weeks.

You think I'm a moron?

Absolutely, 100% yes.

Mark.

Where was she found?

Where?

Okay, well, bring her to my o...

Okay, all right.

No more smoking, starting now.

So, her house actually exploded in front of you,

and no one was hurt?

The level of stupidity in humans can never be overestimated,

but she seemed unharmed.

Any missing persons report matching her description?

No, I checked, Doc. Nothing.

Mermaid lady, why'd you run away?

-No. -Wait.

She's hydrated.

If she had hypernatremia, she'd be able to talk now.

The evil spell. It's stronger than we thought.

I want something bad to happen to this man.

It was just a joke, it's not like I actually

think she's half-fish.

-Oh, no, no, no, no. -Ooh! Ooh! Whoa!

-It's all right. It's all right. -Whoa, whoa, whoa.

-It's... -Are those scales?

It could be neurosarcoidosis.

Are you talking gibberish now, too, Doc?

No, it's a skin condition. It can also affect the brain.

It would explain her scales and her speech,

but I need to take a skin sample.

Ah, Louisa, the fish smell! I'm going to hurl.

Oh, uh, sorry. Is it really that bad?

I thought it was getting better.

Well, it's not.

Those sea urchins, they're nasty.

Mm, yeah, but you know, renting out the barn

for the processing center is keeping the school open,

and now that I'm principal, I have to be thinking

about globally, about all of the financial...

Fine. Never mind. Okay.

I really came in here to tell you the huge gossip.

-Gossip? Yay. -Yes.

Tell me.

-Guess who's getting married. -Who?

-Me. Aah! -Oh! Oh!

Wow, wow, I... oh, my God,

I... I didn't even know you were dating.

Oh. Is this making you feel bad?

Oh, no, no, no, of... of course not.

I mean, why... why would this make me feel bad?

Well, because I know that you've been trying to get pregnant,

so I can imagine you're not doing a lot of swiping.

Uh, yeah, that's true.

I'm not really thinking about that stuff right now, so...

Yeah, no, of course not.

And getting pregnant is, like, a really big deal.

I should know.

Oh, are you... are you trying to get pregnant?

No. I am pregnant. Aaah!

What?

-Oh, I'm, like, so happy. -What?

Hmm.

It's not sarcoidosis. It's ichthyosis.

Her skin condition isn't what's affecting her speech.

Mark, can you please stop smiling?

-It's unnerving. -I wish I could.

It's not happening.

Hey, lady. Who are you?

-I'm a mermaid. -Called it!

-What's your name? -Cecilia.

-And your last name? -Mermaid.

Your birth certificate reads Cecilia Mermaid?

Okay.

You mean you're like a mermaid impersonator?

Yes.

That's it. Exactly.

Like on one of those Broadway cruises?

-Exactly. -Ah.

Cecilia, what happened to you?

I drank too much, and fell overboard.

-Okay. Time to go. -Not yet. Uh...

your skin condition.

Have you had it your whole life?

Yes.

It first started on my face.

Even Santa wouldn't let me sit on his lap.

Is that why you ran out of the office?

Yes.

I've been made fun of my whole life.

"Hey, is there any tartar sauce for those fish sticks?"

-People can be cruel. -Can I have my costume?

-I'm going. -We need you to stay overnight.

We don't know anything about your condition.

-That's cool. Bye. -No, no, no. Oh!

-Whoa! -Bye.

-No, you don't have money or ID. -Later.

Cecilia, I'm a doctor. I don't chase people.

Good. Because I feel perfectly...

Uh-oh.

What's wrong?

Garbled speech, seizures, and now wheezing?

Maybe I'm allergic to this place.

Okay. Here's your costume.

I... I tried to get all of the kelp off.

Ew. Kelp me, right?

-Wait. -What?

Kelp. Is there any more on it?

Um, a little. Uh...

-Hmm... -Ew! Why is that red?

-Red tide. -What's that?

It's a toxic algae bloom.

If she was in the water long enough,

it would explain your seizures, your speech,

-and your wheezing. -What do we do? What do we do?

You just need an inhaler. I have one.

Okay, but after that, no more running around, no more chasing.

You hear me?

I'm gonna go home and get you some clothes.

Your people are very bossy.

We heard what happened to you.

Falling off of a cruise ship? Hey, would you do karaoke here?

You and I could duet.

I'm not legally allowed to sing that off the boat.

-Are you sure at all? -Her job right now is to rest,

not a single steel drum, understand?

Fine, ruin my fun.

Just don't tell Sarah we're doing this.

I told her we didn't have any room for Judith.

Good, you'd have to be a complete idiot

to let Judith stay with you.

So, Sarah is letting Judith stay with her.

What?

How can someone so old have such bad judgment?

I am not going to tell her you said that.

But look, could you just talk to her, please?

We prefer Sarah Sans flambé.

Immediately.

And I was just wondering, how could my day get any worse?

Well, that weird monitor

still hasn't kicked you out of town.

-Shame. -Hmm.

She's unhappy with my snacks,

but as far as my practice, A-plus.

A doctor who's afraid of blood? I mean, how's it even possible?

Because it hasn't kept me

from being an excellent physician.

And Elaine has gotten her phlebotomy license,

so I think it's time for you to drop this obsession with me

and take up a hobby.

Preferably something dangerous.

See, I enjoy knowing your secret.

Figuring out the worst possible time to tell everyone.

That's my hobby.

You know what, Doc?

Maybe it is time that you just tell everyone,

before that jerk does it.

I can barely get these people to listen to me now.

I mean, what do you think is going to happen after they...

There's nothing to be ashamed of.

Ashamed? Did I say I was...

I'm not ashamed. Come on, please. Ooh!

-Oh, Oh, uh, hi. -Sorry.

Sorry, I didn't know you were working today.

Sandra's sick, so I'm just filling in.

How are you feeling?

-Uh, we haven't had a chance... -I'm feeling good.

You know, a... a little up and down.

But, um, excited for whatever happens.

Good for you. I'm...

glad you're happy.

I am happy.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

-All right. -Well, okay.

Table five, baby.

What are you doing?

You think I'm a cocaine smuggler?

You almost blew up your own home

less than ten minutes after you got home from the hospital.

-You're lucky you're not dead. -I admit that was not good.

And no one else would take you in.

Trust me. I called around.

Well, that is hurtful. You have a mean streak, Sarah.

-Everyone says so. -Really?

What are you doing?

Put your... put your hands... put your...

You are not doing a body search.

-I'm sorry, Judith. -No, you're not.

-But I am. -No.

-You bet I am! -What are you doing?

-Okay, where are they? -Stop that!

Don't you try to get away from me.

My...

You don't want me to find that cigarette.

Stop it! Stop that! Stop it! I said, stop it!

Right now! How dare you!

-How dare you? -Stop it!

I'm gonna find it! My God!

-Do you have on a jog bra? -I speed walk!

How dare you!

You have befouled our friendship!

Oh, hi, girls!

Oh, thank God you're here, Geneva.

Sarah's turned into some insane dominatrix pervert!

She's here to keep an eye on you while I go run some errands.

-A babysitter? -Don't take your eyes off her.

Oh, come on, it'll be fun.

I'll catch you up on everything that's happened

since you were in the hospital.

-All right. -Huh?

First off, we have a mermaid in town.

Oh, and I have a photo.

That's a mermaid?

No, that's a lung

after years of cigarette smoking.

And I have colored ones, too.

Now look at these arteries. You see all of that?

That's plaque.

And I have a poem written by a woman

who lost two husbands to cigarette addiction.

I will not murder Geneva. I will not murder Geneva.

Uh, my shift is over,

but that doesn't mean you'll be alone.

There's a dark energy in here.

Who are you?

Teenagers, here to spend quality time with you.

Actually, no.

Uh, Louisa said we'd get some extra credit

if we volunteered with the decrepit or whatever.

So, uh, which one of you is it?

-Oh. -What... what are you? A juvie?

A punk? A ruffian?

She's so tragicmatic, I'm into it, though.

Have fun.

Set an alarm reminding me to TikTok tonight

about how boring my life is.

So, has anyone ever been you for Halloween?

Breathe deep, girl. I get it.

-Oh. -Oh.

-Hello. -Hi, roomie.

-Welcome home. -Come on.

Take a seat. We're about to watchSplash.

Given the circumstances of the day,

we felt very inspired.

Well, I'm gonna grab some popcorn,

and then scooch over.

Okay. Scooch over.

Are you out of your mind?

Letting that lunatic stay with you?

What was I supposed to do?

Just let her sleep in the woods?

No. Because then she would set our whole forest on fire.

She could blow your whole house up.

-Is she in there now? -Yeah.

But I checked everywhere, and I mean everywhere.

No cigarettes.

And I got people up there with her all the time.

This is reckless and irresponsible.

It's also kind and neighborly, and I thought you were beginning

to get a hang of those concepts,

but it seems like a certain somebody

has just walked you back a couple of steps.

What's that supposed to mean?

I thought there for a while

you were really getting the idea

about living in community,

being a part of a small town.

You were changing.

Exactly. God forbid I just be me.

And for the record,

that's what I like about a certain someone.

They never ask me to change.

They don't make me feel like I'm always falling short.

They like me just how I am.

And you know what? It's fantastic.

Then why don't you seem happy?

Well, I am very happy.

Happy, happy, happy.

Oh, I'm sorry I had to see that.

Now, if she's gonna stay in this house,

then I'm giving her the house rules first.

-Yeah, Martin... -That's it.

-Oh, come on. -No, end of story.

Listen here... Judith!

What the hell do you think you're doing?

You almost took my eye out.

I'm saving the youth of today, and my sanity.

These teens are killing me.

Oh, my gosh.

She literally just threw our phones out the window.

I actually needed an upgrade anyway, but...

You children are horrible.

And those phones are killing you.

Why don't you read a book?

Or see a play?

Or find out who Igor Stravinsky is?

Oh, isn't he that weirdo who sits behind me in math?

-Okay. -No, no, that's Ivan.

-Ivan? -Judith, stop!

Those children aren't enough to drive anybody to jump.

You do have a point. Get out.

We didn't even do anything.

I said, just go.

Judith, if you're gonna stay in this house,

you will abide by all of Aunt Sarah's rules

to the letter.

-Number one. -I know.

I know. No smoking.

No smoking. No smoking.

Don't you people realize? I don't want to smoke.

I want to quit!

But nothing is harder in this world,

not childbirth, or recovering from SARS,

or even quitting heroin.

I had a big life.

What I'm trying to tell you, is that I'm trying.

Haven't you ever had anything in your life

that just kicked your ass no matter what you did?

Something that you hate about yourself,

but you can't change it?

A flaw you can't beat?

Something you have no control over,

and yet it just shapes your whole life.

Yes.

Then you understand.

I'm doing the best I can.

I'm sorry.

I made a mistake.

I blew up the house, and I regret it.

And I regret all

730,000 cigarettes I ever smoked,

but I am trying.

I'm trying.

I will not smoke again. I will not smoke again.

I will not smoke again.

Why don't we go outside for a minute?

I will not smoke again.

Maybe we, or you, can help her.

Maybe it'll be okay.

Just reassure me that she has no access to any...

Absolutely.

I mean, I practically strip-searched her.

Do you think she would be so stu...

Whoa!

You should have looked in my jog bra.

That was, like, so inspiring.

Tom Hanks left everything he knew.

His family, the produce business,

his ability to walk on land just to be with her.

Nothing is more important than true love, nothing.

He realized he didn't want to live, like, a day without her.

So he was willing to leave it all behind.

Wait, wait, what are we talking about?

Al, how many times have we talked about this?

I cannot move to New York with you.

-Why, why? -What are you talking about?

Sleeping in your dorm when I don't go there?

That's weird. It's creepy.

It's not creepy. It's... No, no, you're a celebrity now.

-Yes, it is! Oh! -You could, like...

maybe you could find an agent out there.

You could, who knows?

Maybe you could get a billboard in Times Square.

Sure.

From "Welcome to Port Wenn"?

-Yes, exactly. -Babe, you're nuts.

I am nuts. I'm so nuts about you, Elaine.

-Come to New York. -Ew! I...

Look, if Tom Hanks is able

to just leave his life on land,

you can come to New York.

I mean, I always thought

that I would go with a better plan than that.

Yeah.

But...

yeah.

Okay.

-Okay? -Yeah.

-New York. -New York.

You're saying yes to New York?

Yeah, I was saying yes to New York.

-No, yeah, I'll go to New York. -New York?

I feel like we should go to New York.

-New York! -Woo!

My turn.

I just can't believe it, your story.

It's a miracle you're alive.

You should write a book, Surviving at Sea, A Fish Tale.

-Get it? -Mm-hmm.

Could you sing "Poor Unfortunate Souls"?

-I just love that one. -Aw.

What's happening?

Hi, Cecilia. I'm Mary.

I heard you might need some clothes.

And here, from my son, Tommy.

Why are you all being so nice?

We know you went through a traumatic experience.

What else would we do?

I also got you this prepaid phone.

I'm sure there's so many people you need to call.

Are you making fun of me?

-No. -Cecilia.

No. We're not...

-What? No. -Of course not.

-Cecilia. -Hey, Cecilia.

-Hey, can we talk for a second? -I'd rather not.

-Maybe tomorrow. -Yeah, but maybe now is good.

Um, okay, see, so, um...

Okay, so I checked around,

and it seems like no one...

is missing from any cruise.

But there is a missing person report

for somebody who fell off of a party boat

docking super close to our harbor.

Okay, fine.

I was at a costume party.

I got drunk, and I fell overboard.

Yeah, there's nothing to be ashamed of at all.

Why'd you lie?

Maybe I wanted some privacy.

I don't know you,

or any of your weird gift-giving friends.

I'm going upstairs.

Wait, did anyone ask about me?

Is any... Is someone coming to get me?

Well, the Coast Guard said

that no one wanted to leave the party.

Well...

you get the friends you deserve, right?

You just got to meet some people who like you for you.

Who would that be?

You saw what I look like.

I've tried everything,

lotions, herbs.

I'm on this griseofulvin med,

even though I know it doesn't work.

And dating?

Trust me, no one wants to get in these pants.

Oh.

Well, Cecilia, what are you t... Cecilia.

Hey, Doc, I got to talk to you.

I'm kind of worried.

For the last time, there's no evil sea witch.

No, Cecilia, I found out she lied.

She fell off a party boat while she was drunk,

not a cruise ship, and she's saying

how unattractive she is,

and she takes "griseo" something.

-Griseofulvin? -Yes.

And then she said things that made me bummed out.

Wait, she was saying she was drunk.

That med would make you sick

even after a tiny bit of alcohol.

-Why would she lie? -I don't know.

Why'd she lie about any of it?

I feel like she has, like,

really low self-esteem.

Well, if she wasn't drunk...

maybe she didn't fall off the boat.

-What? -Could she have jumped?

She does seem really unhappy.

-She's alone right now? -Yeah.

I do not like doing this, but she really did seem upset.

Ah.

Do you think she left out the window?

Hey, Doc.

"Please don't look for me. I'm not worth the trouble."

-Do you think she could... -Given the circumstances?

Yes, we need to find her now.

Okay, I'll tell Elaine to call everyone we know

to help us look for a runaway mermaid.

-Mark! -I know, I know.

But why would she go out the window?

-Cecilia! -Cecilia!

Cecilia!

Cecilia.

Cecilia!

Hello?

Where?

On my way. I'll call the doc.

Go, Team Mermaid!

Yes! Yes!

This doesn't look so good.

-What's the plan? -I don't know.

I haven't done this before. I know we need to keep her calm.

Hey, sweetheart.

-What you doing? -Leave me alone.

Why can't you all leave me alone?

Well, because we care about you and, uh...

it... it seems you're upset.

Of course I'm upset.

I jumped overboard at a party, and my friends don't even care.

Well, maybe you just need some new friends.

Look at this.

It's disgusting.

Who would want to be my real friends?

We would.

I can only guess what you say behind my back.

We don't say anything behind your back.

We were just being friendly.

I'm going up there.

Good idea. I'll keep her talking.

Cecilia, listen to me.

We all have things we don't like about ourselves.

We don't all wear it on our skin like you have to,

but we all have something.

What are you talking about?

Honey, I was so ashamed when my husband left me

for my sister that I confessed

to a murder that I didn't do.

I was so embarrassed when I didn't get a call back

to a school, that I lied to the entire town about it.

I had an affair and gave two men boobs.

I pooped little plastic men.

Twice.

I had my heart broken so hard I thought that

I was never gonna get over it, but I did.

And I'm the one that broke his heart.

And then he offered to have a baby with me,

but that didn't seem like a good idea

for a bunch of complicated reasons.

But now I am trying to be a mom on my own,

and it's wonderful and exciting, but also it makes me feel bad

because it feels like I'll never find love again.

It's okay. It's okay.

That was a lot.

Listen to me, sweetheart.

I blew up two houses

because I couldn't quit smoking.

That never happened to you, did it?

I have a blood phobia.

I get panic attacks at the sight of it.

Which is why my assistant, Elaine,

was drawing blood without a license,

and now my entire medical career is in jeopardy.

What?

Well, that's messed up.

This town is very strange.

Yeah.

But we mean well.

-What are you doing here? -I don't know.

I just figured you'd want some company.

And for the record, I know you're not a mermaid,

but you did make me believe in happily ever after again.

Like, I can't even stop smiling when I'm looking at you.

Hey, what do you say I take you back down there, huh?

-Mm-hmm. -Yes.

I can't believe you didn't tell me that, Doc.

What?

See? You get the friends you deserve.

Oh! Hug! Yay!

Blood phobia?

How is it you never told me that?

No more secrets.

Good for you.

Good for you, too.

I know.

I'm gonna check myself into a hospital.

I need professional help.

You want me to drive you?

-Oh, that was really something. -Mm-hmm.

Can I bum a smoke?

Just one.

I'm kidding.

Mr. Busy Harvard Medical Degree.