Original subtitles

I find that when your benefit comes in, all your debts go at it like piglets at

tugs.

You carry on.

But I'm fearful honest about me debt.

Don't worry.

Whatever it takes, I never miss.

We've been on gravy and bread, and I've never missed me catalog.

Only me.

Who's that, your boss?

Yeah.

Let him in.

Hello.

You signing, then?

It'll let me clear up.

Just sign.

He'll fill in the rest.

I want it clean for me pictures.

Hmm?

Pictures?

She's posing nude.

To send off.

I know about that.

I've got a camera.

Do you want me to do it?

Camera in the car.

What, um, what poses were you considering?

No, it's okay.

Me grandma's got one of them you d- you don't need to send off to the developers.

Fair enough.

Enjoy your vac.

There it stands.

'Tis yours.

Look at it a while before you use it.

It's a beauty, in't it?

'Tis yours.

Goodbye.

You did it.

Yes, I did.

You did it.

Well done.

How's it feel?

It's great.

I feel great.

I've done it.

Oh, thank-

What are you looking for?

I wanted to see your camera.

Camera?

I ain't got one.

You told her-

I'd have made one out of that puff-and-puffer rice box just to get a

free look.

You'd not have known the difference.

Anyway, probably used me digital.

Sad cow.

Right, onwards.

You're on your way, workhouse.

Hey, come back here.

Okay, now you're no longer the virgin, now you've done your first sale, it's your

exams.

Go through the rules.

Uh, uh, um, uh, r- rule one, give no quarter.

Rule two, good breakfast.

Yeah.

Three, keep back cock.

Yeah.

Four, seconds lead to sales.

Buy that like a spent knob.

What's rule number six?

I, I...

Come on, what?

Rule number six!

There are no rules.

You've passed.

See ya, pee-beat.

I've sold.

I've sold, do you hear?

I've sold.

Did you sell?

Yeah.

The music.

That's right.

Come through.

Hurry.

Hurry.

The cat

wants her milky cream.

I can't.

Have I done summat?

No.

Could I come in?

You can't afford it.

I've come to take it back.

Neil, it's me last, but you have it.

Not the kids, you.

All right?

Here you are, mate.

You haven't got a sign, have you?

Ah!

Oof.

Ah, fuck it.

Ah.

Scared of it?

You're doing brilliant.

Come

on.

Where is she?

Sheila?

Sheila!

No!

Sheila!

Sheila!

Clayface, where is she?

Fucking hell.

1950.

1926.

1945.

Fucking hell!

Fucking hell.

The lady downstairs has collapsed in there.

She's in there, all collapsed.

And then there was fire.

And I put it out.

I kicked the door.

Oh, God, I didn't know.

She's still lying there.

She's in there, dead.

Dead, I tell you.

Sheila's gone.

My, my Sheila left me.

I was in the street.

I went in there.

You came.

I don't know what's happening.

Say something.

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

Say it.

Go on, say it.

Dociousexpialifragilisticalisuper.

You're late!

And you've got a partial picture of the 1966 England World Cup squad on your

forehead.

Uh, the late Bobby Moore and a quarter of Martin Peters, if I'm not mistaken.

And on your chest, the Apollo 11 mission.

And in your naval, can't quite make it out.

Could be half a dinosaur, could be the Millennium Dome.

Then on each thigh, a scene of suffragette, and three prime ministers,

and a zeppelin on the shin.

You're a veritable tabby eared and scorched scrapbook of the 20th century.

I don't wanna know why.

I don't wanna know how I've entered into Monty Python's missing sketch.

I would just like to remind you that today is the day of the night the competition

winner is announced.

And as a consequence, all hands must be on deck, all stops must be pulled.

So, get your fluttering ass in gear.

How?

How can you talk like that when she's gone?

Gone.

She's left me.

And oh, God, oh, God, I know she'll never come back, and she is lying there.

Christ.

Clearly no sale in here.

Another stone cheeks bites the dust.

Well, at least she's dead.

Could be worse.

Ill people make me sick.

We'll have to, uh, phone an ambulance.

Bit late for that.

Police.

Well,

can't we just leave her?

Oh, no.

All right.

All, all right

But we're wasting valuable time here.

Potmar could leave her for the rats and mice.

I hate these fucking things.

Electrified Mars bars.

I short 'em on a daily basis, you know.

They won't work for me.

I've got too much electricity in me brains.

Come on.

Life,

like that,

all gone.

What's it all about?

We are urgently trying to answer your call.

I had a dream last night, Workhouse.

Please stay on the line.

I had a dream.

An emergency service you require. And the operator will put you through.

Come over the hill and Black and white people were having it off.

No?

Ah.

Well, can't we cover her up, eh?

We are urgently trying to answer your call.

Oh, come on.

We are urgently trying to answer-

I did have a dream...

the call to which you are being redirected.

I saw that Oriental bint from the office.

She was, like, walking on air.

She was pushing a vac and that was, that was like on air.

And as she walked, like magic in her trail, she left smart young girls behind

her, talking into mics at their mouths like Madonna.

All faces aglow in front of the computer screens.

I couldn't get it.

It was seductive.

You know, as if something was being gathered, like softly guided in.

Not like my selling.

Not like the selling we know and hate.

At the last computer screen, she stepped in, and I went in after.

It was this tropical beach.

Blue sky, sea.

But it,

it was more than that.

All alive.

Like heaven.

Somehow I felt like all me work was done, you know.

That I...

There were no more vacuums left for me to sell.

And when I looked, she'd gone.

The vac was all alone on the beach.

Gold, it was, glittering in the sand.

And I was going up and down the beach with it.

I, I think it was plugged into the sun or something.

It felt odd at first, but no fever.

The fever was gone.

And then I got used to myself.

I all opened up inside,

like a flower.

It was so beautiful.

I started crying.

Was tears everywhere.

I was completely nude.

I was vacuuming, completely nude,

in paradise.

We are urgently trying to answer your

call.

Now, Workhouse, get upstairs, get the 20th century off you, and get dressed now....

you require, and the- Which service do you require?

Emergency.

Which service do you require?

Emergency.

Which service do you require?

Please, which service do you require?

Hello?

Emergency.

Hello?

This day is going nowhere.

Come on, I'm losing ground.

Feel like me heels is in a pillow.

Oh, no.

Where we going?

To a sale that's daily made.

I'm a vinegar stroke away, and I'm having it today.

We're going to see the Spaniard.

Adios, Tommy.

Why'd you do this?

We're not Spanish.

We are somewhere.

We've got, um, tango blood and jet black hair.

Your hair's gray.

You only been like this since that salesman came round, told you you had a

Spanish look.

He only said that to sell you a vacuum cleaner.

You're just jealous.

It's all to get a sale.

Hm.

El rubbisho.

Buy one then.

I shall, when I am ready.

I don't know what you did upstairs.

He was just giving me a demonstration, that is all.

It's all to sell.

Oh, shut up!

At least he comes.

Nobody comes for you, do they, you batty virgin?

Thomas.

Spaniard.

Oh.

Here it is.

The little white bull.

Um, can we just try it upstairs on the carpet again?

You know, before I make my final decision.

If we must.

If we must.

Have you warned him she's slow?

He knows I'm cooking for now.

Sister, sister, where have you been walking,

sister?

Are you that salesman's friend?

Do you like my legs?

They feel heavy.

Do you know a chocolate rep called Terence?

No.

He was her friend before

Her milk tray man.

Oh.

I'm touched.

Oh?

Do you want a drink?

Coffee.

Pour us two glasses of that Shangri-La.

Oh, that was brilliant.

Oh, I did, oh.

Oh no, I forgot the sangria.

Never mind it.

I trust you're signing today.

Oh, let us leave it till later, eh?

I want a more, Tommy.

More.

Oh, yeah.

Tommy, Tommy, a more.

Oh. A more.

A more.

Oh, Tommy, more.

Oh.

It's a more I want, Tommy, I do.

Oh,

I-

You're sad, aren't you?

I am.

Yeah.

I can tell moods.

Tommy.

Oh.

Oh, Tommy.

Tommy.

Oh.

If I show you my bra, will it cheer you up?

I always wear a sexy one.

It's big, though.

Oh.

Don't mind us.

Get back up.

Oh.

Oh, Jezebel.

Oh.

Oh.

Darling.

Oh.

Oh, Tommy.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Adios.

Adios.

Adios, Tommy.

Conquistador, or what?

Anything.

Anything, anything.

Anything for a sale.

Oh.

What's happening to me?

What's happening to me?

Shut up, or I'll fucking hit you.

Go on, then.

Kill me.

I want to.

What have I done?

Go in the dash.

I wish I'd meet you there.

I don't want anything but a fucking...

Ah, you fucking...

Ah, I fucking hate you.

Listen, you.

I'm gonna give you one chance to pull yourself together.

If you don't fucking take it, I'm fucking off and leaving you, right?

I shagged the slow girl.

So what?

Oh, tonight's my night.

The vac of gold.

Now, I know I'm taking it, but I wanna take it in style, with a handful of sales

still in me hand.

What was that?

A hitchhiker.

No, it's not.

You blockhead.

It's an opportunity.

Never miss an opportunity.

I stopped hitchhikers before now.

Left them two junctions later, putting their vac of their very own, not knowing

what the fucking damn doors was going on.

Hello, young man.

Your lift is here.

Come in.

What's your name?

Dickie.

Oh, hello.

I'm the Tommy Rag.

You're a salesman.

How'd you guess?

No one else is so loud in the morning.

What do you do?

Guess?

No, no.

I'll give you a clue.

No one sits when I'm in a room.

Are you a royal?

Plus, I'm a DJ.

Oh, ah, he likes that, don't you?

Where you going?

Blackapool.

We're going there tonight.

Big prizes.

What are you doing there?

A gig.

Yeah, he doing a gig.

Well, like you like.

His bird's dumped him.

She was a stripper, you know.

Well, before you get settled in, how do you go about cleaning your carpet at home?

I ain't got no home.

Where'd you sleep?

Hotels, motels, Holiday Inns, car streets, back street setties, TPs, warehouses, shit

houses, or I stay up all night.

Where you from?

I don't know.

Bloody hell, I picked up Oliver Twist.

All I know is I'm northern, I have no carpet, and I have no mam.

Our vacuums do other things

Maybe I could sample 'em, set 'em off in Ibiza.

Big fish, little fish, cardboard box.

Big fish-

Oh, big fish, little fish...

little fish, cardboard box.

Cardboard box.

Yeah, 900 back.

You've been completely noosed in paradise.

Oh, yeah, well I haven't got time for this.

Thank you very much.

Yeah, all right, no.

Sweet, look, pal, take no offense.

No, I'm not gonna sell you out.

I'll go.

Pit stop.

You coming?

See you, J.

Edgar.

Huh?

Over.

Did he mean it?

I mixed a bit, you know.

I was learning meself, like.

Bedroom DJ.

Who taught you?

The crowd.

Right.

Oh, yeah.

Right.

How did you start?

There's an old DJ down the road from me selling a big clunking 1970s disco twin

deck for 50 quid.

I sold my bike for 60, bought it, and with the tenner I got three records.

They're all I had for ages.

I wore 'em thin.

I took the pads off my fingers with practice.

Look.

Smooth as marbles.

Police can't arrest me now.

Unidentifiable.

Except by me music.

Then I did a gig, and one gig went to another gig to another gig, to gig, to

gig, to gig, to gig.

I'll do whatever comes.

Basements, clubs, warehouses, bar mitzvahs.

It doesn't matter what I have to start with.

I can get from Amazing Grace to ABBA, to ambient, to hard house before they know

what's happened.

I mix up a portion.

I make 'em feel better.

I guarantee to get the most miserable twat at the wedding up and trancing or your

money back.

Do you make a living?

I only want the money so I can open my own club.

Your own club?

Yeah.

What's it gonna be called?

The Ark.

Everybody's welcome.

It will never close.

You can stay in there until you feel it's safe to come out again.

Can I, can I ask you something, the kid?

Can I...

Will you listen to my mix?

No.

I can't hear a thing without the people.

Tell you what, though.

I'll play it for you tonight.

At least you know it's been danced to.

I'll give you a secret.

Silence is loud.

Boo!

Oh, I get stone cheap with these before the witching hour.

And then I insist you accompany me to Blackpool and the Great Giveaway Show.

I've been happy lately.

Thinking about the good things to come.

And I believe it could be.

Something good has begun.

I've been smiling lately.

Dreaming about the world as one.

And I believe it could be.

Someday it's gonna come.

We're out on the edge of time.

Rug house, me old love.

We're riding to Blackpool, to Mecca.

Metropole Hotel on the front.

That's where I used to bring the girls up.

And the sad end,

I've no one else to bring.

Hot Pot came too.

See?

She's not been out for years.

She come for I told her you were coming.

Anyway, I'm the goddamn winner, and I want some champagne.

Get out the dash there.

Come on.

Oh, there is none.

Is there not?

No.

Is, is there some hotel miniatures?

There are.

Yeah, enough.

Come on, smack 'em open.

Let's celebrate.

What will you do if you lose?

I will win.

Spaniard, do it with me in my speech.

Si, si, si.

Mr.

Ron, and all the rest of you scum, I'd like very much, very much like to thank

you.

For without your rejection and wish for me to topple, I would not have made it to the

sun lounger in the sun that I will soon be occupying, or to this exalted height I now

hold as best fucking salesman in the universe ever.

Bravo.

You thought I did it alone.

I did not.

You don't know how much you helped me climb that ladder.

Your hatred was the rungs.

Each stab in the back made Tommy scurry up all the higher.

Each time Stone Cheeks stopped bumming me and leave, I took off, scavenged, robbed,

dug up, ten of me hole.

So ta, a mighty ta, to all you rats and mice at the good old office.

Thanks must also go to little Al's dad.

Little Al's dad down the street when I was a nipper.

Al's da, the salesman We sold flying saucers.

That soft, perfect, almost paper sweet.

Oh, they exploded in your mouth.

Oh, with the K Lite at the back of your throat.

He give 'em out to us.

Tossed 'em.

Tossed 'em, we caught 'em.

Pale, pink, and green, and yellow, flying through the sky.

And thanks must go to my dad, who showed me the mug's way so early, so clearly.

Coming home in filth, having worked all the hours God could spare for tuppence

ha'penny.

Beat, bad-tempered, broken.

And thanks to him also for making me hate to hesitate.

Little me, upstairs in bed while he hit Mam downstairs.

You fucking snake.

I'm gonna fuck-

"One more time," I'd say-...

you. "One more scream, and I'll get the poker."

"One more scream, and I'll get the poker."

You fucking snake.

But I didn't.

Down.

I've never hesitated since.

I've never crushed up regret since.

Should have fucking broken his dirty, oil-stained fingers off in the door.

And I thank him for his face

when I'd come home after a few hours spieling.

The whole set, darling.

No, I don't want your 10 pounds, nor your five.

Put your notes away.

I don't know what's come over me.

Eight and six the lot.

Now hurry up before they cart me off to the loony bin.

And I'd throw a wad, 10 of his wage packets thick, on the kitchen table for me

mam.

He couldn't look at us.

He, he, he couldn't finish his food because I'd beaten him with success.

And so I go on beating them, for I do not lose.

And finally,

thanks must go most of all to all the suckers I've mugged through the years, who

I've left dizzy and light of pocket, holding something they never needed or

wanted, with a, " 'Tis yours.

'Tis yours.

'Tis yours."

Oh, I am so proud.

My workload and the company's gold, fueled by honesty.

Honesty.

We have had, we have had a stupendous year so far.

We are riding high as one of the top regions in the country.

Fucking hurry up, I wanna get abroad.

And so, without further ado, let's find out the winner.

I'm going to ask one of our brightest female members of staff to be so kind, and

do us the honors, and read them out.

Please welcome Uki, the head of our new information technology department.

The final nominees for the Golden Vak Awards are Tommy Wragge.

Good luck, Tommy.

That's it, Tom.

Throat.

Throat.

And Randolph Darlene.

Pockmark.

Oh, yeah.

Pockmark.

And the winner is...

Tommy.

Pockmark.

The winner is Ran- sorry, Pockmark.

And in second place, it's a tie with Throat and Tommy Wragge.

You got it. Winner.

I wake up every morning, stumble out of bed.

Stretching and yawning, another day ahead.

It seems to last forever, and time goes slowly by.

But babe and me together, then it starts to fly.

The moment that he's with me, time can take a break.

The moment that he's with me, everything's all right.

Nighttime is the right time, we live life.

And it seems no matter, we take off.

My baby takes the morning train, he works the night shift-

Stone change.

What are you doing?

Pervert.

Where's Ron-Rom?

Where is he?

I'm not telling you.

You fucking better.

Why?

What'll you do?

Push you in the vagina

I owe him nothing.

He took Susie Wong for a walk down the prom, talk about the future.

Big changes.

This is gonna be the last competition, but no one knows it.

You know, he reckons with her help, they can clear twice as much on the cyber

highway as you lot can on the tarmac one.

It's death of the sales-

Never mind all that shite.

What happened?

What fucking happened?

Your sales were one short.

Never!

Yeah.

One of the sales was nulled on a vacuum missing.

Oh, fuck.

No. Workhouse.

Workhouse.

And then that throat!

How could I have chived a dead man that couldn't talk?

Why not tell you?

What do I care now he's got his geisha.

As you got closer and closer to winning, he got more desperate.

He started a scheme to get the others to donate sales to the Throat Memorial.

Not strictly allowed, but he's the boss.

Honesty, eh?

Honesty.

He...

Here we go.

Big cardboard box.

Make me feel the cardboard box.

Come on!

Yes!

Listen.

Watch.

Watch your music move and work and be all.

The music.

Come on!

One time only.

I can sell you this like I sell vacuums.

The vacuum salesman!

This time it's the one off forever bargain.

All appliances thrown in.

Souls included.

My life's work.

Bag is full of Australian jewels, lots of them are flesh and blood.

Let me go!

Stuart.

Give

me that.

Get him out.

And Tommy.

Get him out.

Come on.

You're sacked.

Get him out.

Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter,

Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter.

No one was listening at the beginning, and now everyone's listening.

Come up, Sea.

Sea.

I knew you was the one to watch.

It's my birthday.

Yeah.

Woo!

Well, we gotta get together now.

It's the only way.

It's the only way.

Gotta take it to a higher level.

Grab your love today.

Bring it up.

Higher love.

We're going higher.

Higher love.

Higher love.

Higher love.

Reaching for your dreams.

Push it again.

Higher love.

Put your hands up.

Sea!

Do you want them back?

Over your bottom.

Take off all the jewels, and wrecks, and rotting sailor boys.

I'll do you a massive deal, Sea.

I'll knock off twice as much for you, Sea.

May I call you Briny?

May I?

Come on.

Come on, you want one.

Someone come!

Take it.

Hey.

You don't have to fuck me heart up.

Tommy!

I, I can taste blood.

Tommy!

And flying saucers.

Tommy!

Tommy!

Tommy!

Tommy!

Tommy!

Tommy?