Original subtitles

It's time for RiffTrax!

Downloaded from YTS.BZ

RiffTrax!

And it's not an easy job.

They watch movies and they make up jokes about them.

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ

Tell their jokes to microphones.

Put the jokes into a file.

On a secret server deep beneath a mountain.

Protected by a dragon.

Who ya gonna get to riff those tracks?

I don't ever pick tracks where the riffs are missing.

Why you always gotta pick RiffTrax?

Only RiffTrax picks all the tracks worth riffing.

On some other day.

Somewhere far way.

You put out wiener wraps and snacks.

You fluff the cushions on your couch and buy a TV.

All your friends come over.

Just imagine their surprise, when you press play,

and then instead of a just a movie.

They hear jokes! Professional jokes!

By professional comedy professionals!

Who ya gonna get to riff those tracks?

Only RiffTrax picks all the tracks worth riffing.

Why you always gotta pick RiffTrax?

Only RiffTrax picks all the tracks worth riffing.

It's your lucky day!

It's time for RiffTrax!

RiffTrax!

[Bill] FVI. Fruit vertically introduced Uh, alright.

(guys laugh)

[Kevin] I like yours. (Mike laughs)

[Kevin] (hispanic accent) Hello! My name is Edward L Montoro.

You watch my Grizzly movie. Prepare to die.

(sound of helicopter)

Now this area is pretty much the same

as it was when the indians wandered around in it.

[Mike] Is that what the indians were doing? Wandering around America?

It's the sole function of the national park system to protect the wild life.

[Bill] Called Grizzly. Because "Unattractive Guys in a Helicopter", is a tougher sell.

I know that my opinion that don't mean too much.

But I think if we get any further encroachment on these park areas.

[Kevin] Oh! Real James Bond type opening to this movie.

Give us a second to catch our breath!

Somehow manage to protect these areas.

[Mike] Huh. Do go on boring guy, with his sexual predator glasses.

Landscape like this forever.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Oh. Hold on. That got the star of Day of the Animals for this?

[Kevin] Hey. Girlder's the director and you do not turn down the opportunity to work with him.

He's the Hitchcock of 70s animal attack movies set in this exact location.

[Bill] Sure.

♪♪♪

[Mike] You know it's just one exclamation point

away from being a musical, that I actually wouldn't mind seeing.

♪♪♪

[Bill] (singing) Here come the grizzlies!

♪♪♪

You know this font doesn't get much work anymore.

Probably because it makes everything look like credits to the Odd Couple.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] These are all names of bears.

[Mike] Amos Gillespie, the bear.

[Kevin] Right.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Grizzly music. (Kevin laughs)

[Bill] In a failed attempt to gain respect, guys named

Todd came up with their own film format.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Guys I'm starting to miss unattractive old guys in a helicopter.

[Bill] Yeah. We didn't realize how good we had it.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Ah. William "Go ahead and call me Ass-man. Everyone does." Asman.

[Bill] (singing) Grizzly dreams!

(Kevin humming)

♪♪♪

[Kevin] (muffled voice) So.

Like I was saying, our national park system

is important to preserve the resources.

Like those trees and that water you see.

[Mike] Oh god. Kill me now.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Uh gentlemen. Now might be a good time to

remind you of the helicopter's excellent 50% survival rate.

On a related note, we ARE about to crash.

So please make peace with your god.

♪♪♪

[Mike] If they do want to salvage these credits, they should have grizzly fly up in

a Apache attack helicopter and blow these guys out of the sky.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Whoa! That's the camera work of the great Asman right there.

[Mike] It's Az-man actually.

[Kevin] What's that ass-man?

[Mike] Never mind.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] Worst part about traveling by helicopter.

Since there's no drink cart, there's really nowhere

for angry drunken businessmen to take a dump.

[Kevin] Yes. That's the worst part.

[Bill] You know?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] Bub Asman?

[Bill] Yep. That's the correct pronunciation. I'm Bub Asman baby!

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Ah. Looks like the kind of place

Nick Nolte would come to sell his stolen road signs.

[Mike] (Nick Nolte voice) Listen up pathfinder. Road signs are like hotel soap.

They put them out there in the open because they want you to take them!

♪♪♪

[Bill] The national parks really pull them in with their free GORP days.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Alright Montoro. You had your credit already. You are no Asman.

[Bill] Asman! Yeah!

[Mike] Flax man?

[Kevin] Yeah it's me. I bring you terrible muffins.

[Bill] Ah heh! Go to hell Flaxman!

[Mike] Oh!

[Bill] Girdler! [Mike] Hey Asman!

[Bill] High five! [Mike] Whoo!

[Kevin] (laughs) Okay.

Never thought you'd make it.

I wouldn't miss a Kelly briefing for the world.

Mm hmm.

[Kevin] Oh. And he made it creepy already.

This is the largest post season crowd we've ever had.

There's no way with this skeleton crew that we're gonna be able to handle it.

What Kelly's concerned about is we got more backpackers

pitching tents than raccoons in the woods.

[Bill] Do not make jokes on my behalf.

Especially not whatever the HELL that was.

With all those backpackers.

Well, we're just gonna do the best we can.

Okay. Everybody knows where they're supposed to go, so let's get with it.

[Mike] Tall hat guys? Keep having tall hats.

Kelly?

My apologies.

Accepted.

I'm going up to R4.

You know maybe the two of us should go.

[Kevin] After all my voice is the most clearly dubbed.

Hey come on. I can use the help.

Well you see, Hayes called in sick.

So I'm gonna need Gail down here to kind of hold down the fort.

[Bill] Hold down the fort! Isn't he just the best!

We tried.

Look I'll talk to you later for dinner.

Okay.

[Mike] Hey. There's our star. And there he goes.

No more grizzly for us. (Kevin laughs)

Okay girls, keep it moving.

You know the season's closed.

But that's no reason to let up, huh?

So if you get any complaints about cold food I want to hear about them right away.

[Kevin] I've gotta go play a one on one tournament at Bushwood Country Club.

Dad? What are those?

Unpaid bills I believe.

[Bill] I believe because they say "unpaid bills" in 72 point font.

You know you haven't been charging nearly enough.

Look what you've been paying.

I know what I've been paying.

And?

Well, good wine at reasonable prices brings the customers back.

And they've been coming back.

[Mike] Poorly managed family restaurants. Grizzly!

Allison, for the last two weeks you've been trying to help me run my business.

That's not true.

Dad, every man.

[Kevin] Good lord. You're coat is 50% dandruff. Please get it dry cleaned!

(Bill laughs)

Shoot pictures of the changing season.

Well I did. I am. That's what I've been doing.

Yeah well keeping check on how your old man

is doing is not gonna help meet your deadline.

[Bill] Wow! These two come out and just start shoveling the exposition at us.

Photographs?

I got my publisher's note. He'll wait.

Allison?

Why don't you write a "how-to" book?

[Mike] That's how I enter every room. People love it.

I was supposed to meet you.

Kelly, I'm sorry.

Then let's go.

See you Walt.

[Kevin] Up to my eyebrows. I mean so long.

(birds chirping)

[Bill] Write a how-to book? Where do you come up with this stuff?

Well I should be angry.

I mean I said I'd take you around.

But you know, I just might have been needed.

I'm an important person around here.

Guilty as charged.

[Mike] Theirs is a relationship based on terrible flirting.

Spoiled.

And your father did it.

How long have you known me?

Well a few weeks.

[Kevin] Is she testing him? Or maybe trying to sneak in a little more exposition?

[Bill] Needs a little more.

First of all I don't feel spoiled. I feel needed.

I mean dad's taking on a lot more than he can handle.

So I feel just a bit torn between career and father.

[Bill] Well, so was Soon Yi Previn.

And look how that turned out.

It's yours you should be worried about.

Somehow I always manage to get it together.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Cut to the grizzly's thriving Macaroni Grill franchise.

[Kevin] Just drainin' the old coot's

customer base with his reasonably priced wines.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Directing tip.

Always prove that your characters have legs before introducing them.

♪♪♪

(women laugh)

[Mike] It's kind of charming to learn that Hee Haw extras got along off screen as well.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

At last. At a point we're here finally.

[Kevin] Yes. It's fun to be "here".

Must have walked ten miles today.

♪♪♪

Hmm. We've got to do something with this.

I want to sit down and get out of these boots.

[Bill] Yes please. Grizzlies have a tough time swallowing hiking boots.

What's that?

There's something out there.

♪♪♪

Ah ha.

[Mike] Oo. Glad those three seconds of wan tension are over.

Sorry. I didn't mean to.

What can we do for you?

Stay out of trouble.

What kind of trouble?

Well just don't take any unnecessary risks.

[Kevin] For instance. Don't talk to horny rangers.

How long you girls gonna be up here?

Oh we're leaving shortly. Right after we eat.

(horse neighs)

Don't forget to check in at the ranger's station before you leave.

Don't worry.

We'll be down before it gets dark. Okay.

[Bill] And the underwear on your clothes line looks dry.

[Mike] (high voice) Why were you looking at it?

[Bill] Don't forget to check in. Good bye.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Huh. It's rare that you see them doing location scouting during the movie.

(growling heard)

♪♪♪

[Mike] Boy, in the 70s, Marlon Brando made some really odd career choices.

(heavy breathing)

♪♪♪

[Bill] Oh please, cut to the reverse shot.

Where the bear is holding a knife, wearing a hockey mask.

(growling)

[Kevin] (deep voice) Quick Arty Johnson impression.

Okay now let's get to the killing.

(growling)

♪♪♪

[Mike] Guess they've got a real roaring fire going is what Kevin told me to say.

[Bill] Dammit Kevin!

[Mike] Yeah come on!

[Kevin] What the hell?

Okay but I have to go first.

Whenever comes to cleaning up you almost have to go.

(laughs) I'll be right back.

[Kevin] Uh oh. We've got a Birdemic situation. She's gonna BECKY it up out there.

[Bill] (laughs) Oh dear.

♪♪♪

(growling)

[Bill] Hey! Only I'm allowed to do that in the woods!

(growling)

[Mike] I'm just grateful it's this bear's point of view

and not say, Andrew Sullivan's. (Bill laughs)

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Sadly this POV is now that girl, you know, going!

[Bill] Yeah. Becky'ing!

♪♪♪ (growling)

[Bill] Kill, kill, kill. Wait there's some sort of leaf blight on those birches.

Kill, kill. kill.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] Um pardon me but I have some extra salmon at my camp. You wouldn't want to?

No of course you wouldn't. Stupid Stupid! Stupid!

Julie!

(screams)

[Kevin] That sounded like her arm hitting the ground.

(growling) (screaming)

(indistinct)

[Bill] Hey don't forget to hang your food in the trees so the bears don't?

Right, never mind.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] (laughs) She's getting dangerous close to Curly there.

[Kevin] A bear ate Maggie! Woop woo woo woo!

♪♪♪

[Bill] Name on the mailbox? Grizzle E Bear. Seems safe.

(sighs)

Oh.

[Mike] Wow. My friend's death was kind of sexy.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Yeah. The bear used to do tear downs for the property brothers.

(screaming)

(Bill laughs)

[Bill] Yeah. Thanks for replaying my undignified death scream jerks!

[Mike] How long have I known you now?

[Kevin] A few weeks and thirty eight minutes.

Never stop shooting do you?

Well, most of what I shoot I don't use.

Wrong angle. Wrong light. Wrong faces.

Naw the faces are never wrong.

Remember every face tells a story.

Oh yeah?

What story does this face tell you?

[Bill] Oh that's a face? I thought he was wearing an easter island novelty mask?

(Kevin laughs)

You're indecipherable.

You hide everything behind that tight jaw.

One day it's gonna break.

[Mike] Soon. When I hit it with this tire iron I just smuggled in here.

[Kevin] What's that? [Mike] Oh nothing.

(laughs) See? It's cracking already!

How you doing Tom?

Hey.

[Bill] Ahh, Tom. And his catchphrase "Hey".

Gotta couple of missing girls.

Oh?

Come on.

They said they'd be down before dusk.

They haven't made it yet.

Ahh they're not gonna make it.

Sun'll be down in a little bit.

Hey you want to go up with him?

Mm hmm.

We'll follow you. Go ahead. Okay.

[Kevin] Forgot Tom's punchier catchphrase "Okay".

[Mike] Tom!

[Bill] He's no Assman!

[Kevin] Alright Asman I think we're good. We got Tom now.

[Bill] No no. But ASS man!

[Mike] Yes I know. Asman. I know.

[Kevin] Grizzly's hiding under the water breathing through a straw like Rambo.

[Bill] So, anyway. No I'm not Chuck Connors. But I get that a lot. Thanks.

They were back there.

Past the shack maybe a hundred, hundred and fifty yards.

Let's walk on in.

[Mike] See? That's why he's the boss.

Coming up with plans like "walking on in" to check

on the women they drove up there to, check on.

(birds chirping)

[Kevin] Meanwhile that women's dad just

sold a bottle of 1959 Lafite Rothschild for $11.

Hey hold it Tom.

I want to check out this shack.

[Bill] Wait. I'd recognize that tin roof rusted anywhere!

[Mike] If it's what I think it is, they'll be glitter on the mattress.

[Bill] Hmmm.

[Kevin] It's a living!

(birds chirping)

[Bill] He walks in on the bear, whacking it to an episode of Gentle Ben.

[Mike] Hey knock next time man.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Find anything?

[Kevin] Alright guys! Let's find my keys!

(indistinct)

Tom?

Yeah?

How far down are you?

[Bill] Not suicidal. Though I am drinking quite a bit these days.

There's just nothing here.

I can't tell whether a bear came through or not.

Well keep looking.

[Mike] So you called me to tell me to keep on doing

what I would have been doing had you not called me?

Ah sir?

[Kevin] (soft voice) Alright, now you two kiss.

[Bill] Sure thing ma'am.

You find anything?

No sir. Not a thing.

Remember we're probably not looking for a full body.

[Mike] Was none of this covered in the pre-bear attack victims search meeting?

What the hell is going on?

A bear.

He attacked and killed a girl.

Geez! That's all we need.

A killer bear on the loose.

Well there were two of them.

[Kevin] Two bears? That's all we need.

[Bill] Not two bears you idiot

[Kevin] Oh the bear made it LOOK like two bears did it.

[Bill] Would you?!

Well what do you want us to do?

Look, I've got a bunch of guys up in the western slope.

So you guys go on up north.

He just might go back up country.

[Mike] Might also get a job as a caterer too. We have to cover every possibility.

Allison? Where are you going?

Back here to get another angle on the camp.

Okay but don't go too far.

[Bill] Also I'm not a photographer.

But maybe use a damn flash?

It's pitch dark.

Well look. Get 'em back out there.

Nobody sleeps until we get that son of a bitch.

Hey come on Kelly, you can't.

Tom! We've got a killer on our hands! Now no excuses.

[Kevin] Tom! Your catchphrases are "Hey" and "Okay". Stick to the damn script!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ (heavy breathing)

(screaming)

[Mike] (shouting) This is worse than my dad undercharging for wine!

♪♪♪

[Bill] Oh just say it. You know you want to. "This was no boating accident."

It was a big one alright.

[Kevin] Is what my wife said. I'm kidding. I have a micro penis.

Got too close.

And the mother attacked.

[Kevin] Which is my experience with my wife's mother. I'm kidding.

She's a lovely woman.

She ate, saved the rest of the meal for later.

Why would she come down?

She came down for food.

[Mike] She heard about Ihop's free pancake day.

There's more than enough food and fish up there.

There may not be enough fish.

You've got a sick humor, doc.

It's not sick. She was hungry enough to eat two women.

Bears don't eat people.

This one did.

[Bill] Used a femur for a toothpick too.

Do me a favor? Just put it in writing for me.

Who's uh, gonna contact the family?

[Mike] We could send an edible arrangement? Oh wait, no.

[Bill] Aww.

Why the hell wasn't I notified?

Oh well obviously you got the message.

I had to hear it on the goddamn radio.

[Kevin] Right after a god (bleep) up tempo number.

If you'll excuse me gentlemen.

That's okay. I was just leaving.

I want to see that report note.

[Bill] Just a crude drawing of him kissing a lady!

Kelly?

Okay let's hear it.

What the hell happened out there?

One of the bears got lonesome.

Came down for a little action.

[Mike] Things got ugly, when he discovered the victims were catfishing him.

That's not funny.

Not supposed to be.

Well what are you doing about it?

[Kevin] I'm gonna put out poison bait girls.

Well I've got men out in the field.

I've put R3 and R4 off limits to the campers.

And I think we can continue in that area.

Okay.

[Bill] You know you're mother and I are very proud of you.

Keep me informed all the way.

When this thing's over with, I want a full investigation.

Investigation?

What kind of investigation?

[Mike] Well no promises. But Dateline's interested.

Public. I mean it's MY head!

Those bears are supposed to be in the high country.

That's where we put them.

Two possibilities.

One of them came back.

[Kevin] Or we have a shape shifter on our hands.

Your job.

No way.

We tagged every one of those bears.

Arthur Scott knows every bear that's in this forest.

No way he could have missed one.

Okay.

Then Scott's the man I want to talk to.

You get him on the wire and get his ass out here.

Kelly!

[Bill] I want a shapely bear ass in my office by sundown mister!

I hope I'm not talking to myself.

I read you. Loud and Clear.

[Mike] No. That's the closet. I'd hate to see you ruin such a good exit line.

♪♪♪

(on radio) We interrupt this program to bring you a special news bulletin.

[Kevin] Plaid shirts and jeans are out this season.

Get to a mall ASAP!

Authorities believe to be a large bear.

♪♪♪

Michael Kelly, ranger in charge of operations, orders all.

[Bill] (mumbles)

Evacuate the area immediately.

Campers.

[Bill] Stay away from large rocks and shrubs, as they may be bears in disguise.

Rangers are certain that the bear has been apprehended.

And the area is declared safe. ♪♪♪

If anyone should see this animal.

[Mike] Yay! We get to go home and play video games! Thanks murder bear!

Stay tuned to 1016 news.

[Bill] Enter Zimmer.

Well if he's not in the office, where is he?

[Kevin] (laughs) No he's not up my butt!

You mean you won't connect me?

Or you can't connect me?

Will you listen to me, you little!

[Bill] Beleaguered public servant?

I've got two girls, ages 19-20.

Both eaten to the bone.

So don't. [Bill] Big range there.

Bullshit about regulations.

Now you just get Scotty on that field phone.

Or you're gonna be on the unemployment line tomorrow morning. You get that?

[Mike] Can almost hear the eye rolling

and jerk-off motions from the other end. (Bill laughs)

Yeah I'm still here.

Sit down.

[Kevin] Run! They can't put us in this if we don't sign the release form!

No! No!

(guys laugh)

(beeping noise)

[Bill] Ah. Probably should have put it on vibrate.

What the hell's the matter with you down there?

I gave strict orders?

Who is this?

It's Kelly, Scotty. Kelly.

Kelly do you know what you just did?

[Mike] I was about to pop the question to the doe of my dreams.

Living with them, and you scared them off!

What happened?

It's a bear that killed two girls.

Funny thing happened is that he buried one of them.

[Kevin] And sent the press a series of taunting cryptic letters.

They cover their kill with a shallow grave.

They go away and come back later and finish eating.

Look, Kitridge is holding you and me responsible.

So just pack it up and get your carcass in here as fast as you can.

Alright.

[Bill] Specifically your ass.

Who's Scott?

He's a naturalist attached to this department.

[Mike] Not many men are secure enough to hang

their colonoscopy on the wall. (Bill laughs)

In this forest personally.

You guys really love what you're doing, don't you?

Yeah.

[Kevin] Yeah the pay's not great. But our acres of pot really make up for it.

Sure has changed my values around.

Changed your values? From what Kelly?

[Bill] I used to hate nature. Setting fires, punching squirrels.

I had a perfect plan to fame and fortune.

So what happened?

I found a short cut.

I married this beautiful lady.

[Mike] Who turned out to be a shapely conifer.

Filthy rich.

Trouble was we're both mercenaries.

After a while I just wanted out.

I couldn't hack it any more.

You left?

[Kevin] Go on! Spill the tea girlfriend!

Well it was a little more subtle than that.

I made believe I was having an affair.

That turned her on. so I sold my holdings,

gave it to Salvation Army and became a ranger.

[Bill] And finally I put a snake in her glove compartment.

You're lying aren't you?

What do you think?

I really don't care.

[Mike] (laughs) Oh she's officially my favorite character now.

[Bill] Like ever!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Hey uh! Anyone want to come over and check for ticks later?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] This wasn't here yesterday!

I don't think he's gonna come down this far.

These woods are so damn thick you can't see anything anyway.

Yeah he could be hiding anywhere huh?

Well one thing's for sure.

He's not around here.

[Mike] It's her! She was the bear all along!

Take a break.

I'll go up to Potter Ridge and check it out and be back in about 15 minutes.

Good. I'm gonna soak my feet in the stream.

Okay.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] What?! Oh geez! Watch your horror movies sometime! ♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] Hey. This is the guy who keeps calling my house.

♪♪♪

(growling)

♪♪♪

[Mike] Maybe this lady will help me get my asthma inhaler refilled.

[Bill] She's chasing waterfalls.

[Kevin] (laughs) Don't!

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Huh! Bear gonna see some bare! Heh heh! Heh heh.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] Did you know that most rivers are 30% moose pee?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] Huh.

Yet when I'm at work, when I strip and start showering you guys always complain.

[Kevin] Yep we do.

[Bill] Most conservative.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] This was in Conde Nast list of the top ten

most romantic places to get turned into hamburger.

♪♪♪

(growling)

[Kevin] For heaven's sake! Cover yourself you hussy!

(screaming)

(growling)

♪♪♪

[Bill] Aww. What a waste of warm, delicious savory blood. Sorry.

[Mike] Come on down to Cracker Barrel, and drown those sorrows in gravy.

(Bill laughs)

♪♪♪

[Kevin] So weird to think you could smoke PCP in restaurants back then.

Have another drink?

♪♪♪

Almost don't remember them.

[Bill] Helps if you picture them naked.

Take about twenty five minutes.

[Bill] No wait. That's something else.

Poor Tim.

He liked her didn't he?

[Mike] He said "hey" and "okay" to her more than anyone.

♪♪♪

There's something I'm not doing!

Sure. You're not killing a bear.

[Kevin] No, that's not it. (Bill laughs)

I don't think I'm cut out for this.

♪♪♪

You know what I enjoy?

Giving lectures around the camp fire.

[Bill] Scary lectures about ghosts?

Taking long rides in the woods.

And just watching the animals.

[Mike] Dressing up as a bear and killing women. I mean!

♪♪♪

For a man who thought of himself as a mercenary, you're doing pretty fine.

Oh yeah. There's a killer bear out there.

And I'm sitting right here crushing ice cubes in my mouth.

Where the hell is that damn Scott?

Should be here.

I mean there's nothing else you can do but wait.

[Kevin] Perhaps you'd like a free Magnum Don Perignon,

compliments of my father. (Mike laughs)

[Bill] Yeah. What's going on with that?

How about another ice cube?

[Bill] Like in the 9 1/2 Weeks way, or?

(helicopter buzzing)

[Mike] Ah home base. This is Little Bird.

We've got our shipment of ice cubes coming in for the ranger to crunch.

As he ignores his duty. Over and out.

(helicopter buzzing)

Want to thank you for helping us out.

Sure gonna make finding that bear a lot easier.

[Kevin] Well first let's buzz by the skinny dipping hole!

Naw. The reason we can't find him, is he keeps moving.

[Bill] Nobody's ever seen a bear that MOVES before. Scientists are baffled.

Well. Suppose near a clearing we might just pick him up.

[Mike] (southern accent) For a glass of country lemonade and sweet pecan pie.

No. Negative.

[Bill] What's he doing in California?

Might push it into the trees.

Feel like I've been wearing these things permanently.

[Kevin] Yep. That's how I feel about these transition lenses.

Have you locked into any of this pattern?

You know bears got patterns.

Patterns. Yeah patterns.

He likes women and keeps moving.

[Bill] Like Larry King except for the moving part.

Yeah yeah.

That theory you've been riding?

[Mike] Hey leave my brony life out of this.

I didn't know it was that way now.

No offense my man.

[Kevin] Just a couple of 70s bros talking about strange.

♪♪♪

Hey Hey. Take it down. Take it down.

I think I see something.

[Bill] Some campers left a piece of litter. Get back to the murder bear later.

♪♪♪

Oh boy. That might be our baby.

[Mike] We had a baby together?

[Kevin] No you! Never mind.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Let's set down on this nest full

of endangered bald eagle eggs and check things out.

♪♪♪

[Mike] (shouting) The bear will never hear us coming!

♪♪♪

Hold it Kelly! Are you crazy?

What the hell are you doing up here?

[Kevin] Some kind of Pablo Picasso in the wilderness thing?

Gonna tell that man that bear is not one of ours.

Are you sure? Positive.

[Bill] I'd bet my hamster hide cape on it.

Can do better on my own.

You almost got yo tail shot off.

(laughs) Almost.

Boy, if you ain't a big bag of grits.

What the hell would you have done

if you'd caught that big brown?

[Mike] So his premise is that a big bag of grits would be brave?

Grizzly. Hmm?

Ain't no grizzlies up here.

I used to hunt these woods for years.

It can't be a grizzly.

[Kevin] I'm thinking panda.

Years ago, big bounty hunter remember?

This one survived.

I'm telling you it can't be!

[Bill] I mean Aunt Bea!

Grizzly and then some.

Guys I'm a little bushed.

Can I hitch a ride back with you?

Yeah come on.

You know that the average grizzly.

He's about seven feet tall.

Some of them are shorter.

[Mike] Yeah. Yeah that's what average means. (Bill laughs)

Fifteen feet.

Oh no. Maybe in Alaska.

Just maybe. But not down here.

[Kevin] These are standard folksy helicopter pilots slash large mammal experts.

Established his territory.

The whole damn forest?

What you're talking about is unreal.

[Bill] I don't care how Richard Dreyfussy your hat is.

He weighs over two thousand pounds.

Boys want a bite?

[Mike] It's fresh human lady. I mean!

Some kind of authority on all this.

But what you're talking about is science fiction or fairy tale.

Science yeah, fiction no.

[Kevin] Fairy no. Tale yes.

Large called Artonis Ursas Horribulus.

Oh.

And they was the mightiest carnivores in the Pleistocene era.

[Bill] Science facts are best with an unseemly mouthful of bread.

He was a hearty ancestor who managed to hang in there.

What the hell is a million year old grizzly doing here?

[Mike] That's what they said when I joined Snapchat.

Strictly carnivores those things.

And they sure do love meat.

In that case let's get the hell out of here.

[Kevin] One Guy Eats While Two Other Guys Watch will return after this.

(indistinct chatter and singing)

[Bill] Cut to the grizzly in a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses.

Dominating the limbo while everyone cheers.

[Mike] You're the man grizzly!

[Kevin] Yeah. Devour me next time you big fat party animal!

(kids singing camp fire songs)

(kids singing)

[Bill] Yeah. There's nothing like getting out into the woods.

Away from everything.

Setting up camp uncomfortably close to dozens of other people.

(faint sound of singing in background)

[Mike] Gah! What the hell is that?

[Kevin] Red hat guy is way scarier than any grizzly!

[Bill] By law, red hat guy can't be any closer than this to the kids' camp fire circle.

[Mike] Schlitz. Wanna be like red hat guy, drink Schlitz.

[Kevin] Yeah sure. Gotta smell good for red hat guy. (Bill laughs)

[Bill] Copious amounts of 70s arm hair. How is he not bursting into flames right now?

[Mike] Sure would be a shame if something

happened to me before I get down with red hat guy. ♪♪♪

(screaming)

No!

[Kevin] My back up red hats are in there!

No!

[Bill] (laughs) I can't tell what's happening physically here but it seems pretty bad!

(growling) (screaming)

Don't go near her!

(screaming)

[Mike] (laughs) Who's the hero who shouted "Don't get near her"?

♪♪♪

[Bill] Red hat guy. A nation mourns with thee.

Alright you. Go on back.

Let's go now.

Go on back to your camp sites. We've got it here.

[Mike] Settle down you cowards.

Don't let the biggest monster you've ever seen tearing

through tents stop you from going back to sleep in your tent.

Everybody back to your camp site.

[Kevin] And I swore I was gonna lose my virginity this summer. (fake sobs)

Mr. Walker, you can.

Well you can ride in the ambulance.

Sally loved me.

She really did.

Come on.

[Mike] Hey fellas. this guy believes a woman loved him.

He's obviously delusional from trauma and needs medical attention immediately.

[Kevin] Ah. One of the paramedics is 15 feet tall and covered in brown fur.

Ah I'm sure he's fine.

(doors slam)

[Bill] It'd be pretty great if the scientist guy took

another big bite out of a sandwich right now.

What the hell happened?

I thought you said he was in the high country?

Did I say that?

I guess he came down.

[Mike] We're talking about John Denver right?

I wash my hands of it.

You wash your hands of it?

Well it's your park, Mr. park supervisor.

[Kevin] With that name, no wonder he got the job.

The bear is yours.

Correction.

You didn't do the job Scott.

Hey you've got your head in the sand.

We've got a killer grizzly on our hands.

Scott you're a maniac.

[Bill] And a big bag of grits.

Running around in costumes, there ARE no grizzlies.

Kelly I want that damn bear!

[Mike] And its badge and its gun!

Get me some men from Washington.

Gonna blow this thing out of proportion?

Listen, campers come in here.

They leave food around.

The bears get the smell of it. And that's it.

Well this is different.

This bum's eating his victims.

[Kevin] Bum? (Mike laughs)

[Bill] Bum.

So let's quit arguing responsibility!

You've got enough men at your disposal.

Now either you do the job or I will.

[Bill] Or this mustache guy who just crashed our argument.

♪♪♪

[Mike] You know fine. I'll say it. That bear who is eating his victims is a real bum.

[Kevin] Yeah he is a bit of a jerk.

[Bill] Yeah. You know, if you ask me, he kind of stinks.

[Kevin] Uh huh.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Uh.

Finally some real action. Here comes the camp site toilet monthly clean up crew.

♪♪♪ (indistinct chatter)

♪♪♪ (indistinct chatter)

Got the ammo Charlie?

Yeah I got plenty.

[Kevin] Okay. We now come to the yocals

taking matters into their own hands section of this monster movie.

Please choose your favorite yokels and place

your bets on the order of their horrific deaths.

(dog barks)

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] Okay. Everybody fan out, and make as much stupid noise as possible!

[Mike] Hoo dee hoo!

[Kevin] Rabbo rabbo!

[Bill] Unique New York! Unique New York!

♪♪♪

Damn dogs.

[Mike] Wait. Does he think they're hunting the dogs? (Bill laughs)

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Redrum! [Bill] Bananas in pajamas!

[Mike] Who moved my cheese? [Kevin] No Hunting!

[Bill] Dammit Clarence. You're doing it wrong!

[Kevin] Sorry!

♪♪♪

Hunters?

What the hell are they doing down here?

[Mike] Hunting if I had to guess.

Who opened up this forest for the hunters?

You know that those clowns are gonna shoot everything in sight.

I'd let him.

They might get that old bear for us.

Yeah. Including some of the rangers.

They'll get back.

[Kevin] Hey, am I the only one still concerned

about the wine pricing back at the lodge?

There's a lot at stake here!

[Bill] Oh yeah!

♪♪♪

[Bill] Everything here makes me feel like the

"Shake Hands With Danger" song's coming up soon.

[Mike] Sheriff Hanlon's cousin Jerry Hanlon was out hunting grizzly one day.

But he forgot to hunt the safety on his rifle. (Kevin humming)

Jesus!

♪♪♪

[Bill] Must have been those damn dogs!

♪♪♪ (growling)

[Mike] Based on the music this is space bear.

(growling) ♪♪♪

[Kevin] Okay checklist time. Got my orange vest and hat. Wandered off from the

rest of the group. Filled all my pockets with fresh clover honey.

Doing everything by the book baby!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] Bear point of view.

♪♪♪ (growling)

[Bill] Bear watching another bear's legs point of view? I guess?

[Mike] Another great shot.

[Kevin] (laughs) I've seen better cinematography in home videos of Big Foot.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] It's weird you guys. I've got a sudden hankering for bear legs.

Do they have those on a novelty sandwich at KFC yet?

[Kevin] Hope so.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Hmm. This back and forth is so tense and thrilling.

I hope it goes on for another two, or even three seconds.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Friendly chipmunk point of view?

(growling) Okay.

Maybe not.

(growling)

[Bill] Idiot. Dropped his gun.

[Mike] Well don't blame him.

Grizzlies growl at a resonant frequency that makes you do that.

[Bill] Ah kind of like the brown nose? Not as messy.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] (shouting) My balls!!! (Bill laughs)

(growling) ♪♪♪

My god!

[Bill] I might be done for. But at least I know my nephew is

safe at the beach on Amity Island with that new inflatable raft I got him.

♪♪♪

Jesus!!!

[Mike] He's like if Mr. Bean went hunting but without the quiet dignity.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Ah I hope this bear business ends soon.

I've got to get back to being a slum lord in a blacksploitation movie.

There are seats in this room.

[Bill] Yeah I like to say that whenever I'm in a room that has seats.

I want to know what those hunters are doing out there?

[Bill] It's good. [Kevin] Yeah.

I didn't have a choice.

Do you?

You made it open season for every animal in those woods.

[Mike] George Steel is terrified.

Made it clear they're hunting for bear.

It's not bear. It's grizzly.

There's a difference.

A bear is a bear.

Bear is not a bear, believe it or not.

[Kevin] This flies in the face of "A horse is a horse of course. Of course!

The professional hunters!

I can't help that.

You always get a few.....crazies.

I want them out of my forest.

It's not YOUR forest, Kelly.

[Mike] And may I remind you there are seats in this room.

Do you know those woods are full of campers?

Not in R3 and R4.

[Kevin] R2D2 is packed though.

Do you think they're walking around with a map or something?

They're in no danger.

Bull!

You're through.

No.

[Bill] Big bag of grits.

I'd like to ask you something.

Why are you on my ass?

I'm glad you asked that.

[Mike] I enjoy having dialogues about ass. (Bill laughs)

Kelly.

You're a maverick.

[Kevin] Oh thanks!

We don't have room for mavericks. [Kevin] Oh. [Bill] Aww.

Well let me tell you something Kitridge.

While you've been sitting around here on your fat ass.

[Bill] More ass talk. Whoo hoo!

No you listen!

Those hunters are in my jurisdiction.

And I'm gonna deal with them the way I see fit.

You just try and stop me.

[Mike] Now if you'll excuse me I have a girl scout sing a long to supervise.

[Kevin] Farted in your chair.

[Bill] Farted on your desk.

[Mike] Uh oh. Looks like a rogue UPS driver's waiting to ambush them!

[Kevin] Hmm. Maybe he's just a torso propped up in the seat.

The grizzly's developing a sense of humor.

Tom?

Yeah?

You okay? Fine.

[Bill] You said we'd play catch dad!

The bastard got hold of a hunter.

He managed to get away.

Where is he?

Over at the clinic. He's really beat up.

He's also one lucky hunter.

[Mike] Hunter? Oh no. I meant the bear's in the clinic. The hunter's dead as hell.

Hey Scotty?

Will you take Don over to pick up his stuff?

[Kevin] The taking of Don over to pick up his stuff lasted well into the night.

(Bill laughs)

[Bill] Long tailed dog in a room full of rocking chairs and so forth.

[Kevin] Hi. Um. So I know this space belonged to the ranger who got slaughtered.

But I mean she's not using it anymore. so. What? What? I'm just being practical.

I was feeling unloved.

Well so was I.

I'm glad you stopped by. We're just getting ready to take off.

I'm coming with you.

[Bill] Somebody's gotta teach that bear about wine pricing.

Just couldn't handle it.

I couldn't?

Alright maybe I couldn't handle it then.

Look I'll stay out of your way.

[Mike] I'll make sure to get disemboweled real quick so I'm out of your hair.

Don't want to see you get hurt.

I mean for both our sakes.

Is that a line that's supposed to make me feel grateful?

I don't feel like playing little boy-girl games.

[Kevin] Like GI Jem and the Holograms.

You just said the wrong thing.

You're not going with me.

Dammit Kelly!

I'm glad you see it my way!

Really!

[Bill] He's not into little boy-girl games.

But little boy girl kisses are the only kind he'll do.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Sure. Yeah. Good time to catch some ZZZs outside.

[Kevin] (laughs) It's like everyone in this movie about a killer bear

on the loose keeps forgetting there's a killer bear on the loose.

♪♪♪

[Bill] The bear's learning to accept that he peeked with the skinny dipping lady

It's all down hill from there.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Aww. They got sleeping bags. I hate when you have to peel these things.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] The Grizzlylocks found this potential victim to be too hot.

While this potential victim was far too cold.

♪♪♪

(growling) (screaming)

[Bill] Ahhh! I mean our clever plan to lure the bear worked!

Ha ha ha!

Lost twenty years.

[Mike] Lost twenty years following John Mellencamp on tour.

But that's another story.

He just might be that old grizzly's cub.

No way.

He's a possibility.

Hey. Hey listen.

That thing might come in here after that cub.

Let's get him out of here.

[Kevin] Thanks for the input radio voiceover guy.

[Bill] (laughs) In a world.

We use this cub as bait.

We take it back in there.

Find us a clearing. We'll go into blinds.

[Bill] Make out with it a little.

[Mike] Exactly. Wait? What was that last part?

[Bill] Ah nothing.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Mess around with bear cubs is the first

thing professional park rangers will teach you.

Right after litter all you want

and forest fires are somebody else's problem.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

It's a lot different from deer hunting.

[Mike] Less antler jokes for sure.

Yeah that damn thing fights back.

Hey we're going to have to hold the noise down, the damn thing won't come anywhere near...

(growling)

[Kevin] Oh. And now comes the tender reunion between a bear and its cub.

(growling)

[Kevin] Or the (indistinct) devouring a soul of an innocent.

♪♪♪

Whose stupid idea it was to use that cub as live bait?

It was mine.

[Bill] I also tried to teach it italian. I'll just stop having ideas.

Anybody see it happen?

Naw. She just grabbed up the cub and that was it.

You know one thing for sure.

[Mike] We'll be working for that bear soon enough.

Our grizzly is a he instead of a she.

Now how the hell do you know that?

Been peeking.

Don't have to.

Only the males are cannibalistic.

They'll eat a cub if they're hungry.

[Kevin] Two or three of them if they're stoned.

Does that help us any? Sure does.

He's gonna retrace his route.

I mean he's gonna come back to the scene of his crime.

[Bill] Male bears also toy with investigators.

Could still be around here.

He could be listening to us, right now.

Well if that's the case maybe we can flush him out.

We?

[Mike] Or impede? Botch maybe. Complicate at the very least.

We're pretty flexible.

Yeah but we go by the book.

Everyone follows orders.

You call the shots mister.

[Kevin] I'm the eye candy. (Bill laughs)

Okay you and the rest of the guys go up the north ridge.

That's uh Pinto Pass. I know where it is.

Alright. We're gonna spread and hold the line at Clover Basin.

Now if he comes down.

[Bill] Yell "surprise!"

Y'all boys come down that ridge, I'm gonna make like a war party.

Make a lot of noise.

Maybe that grizzly will head towards us then.

Alright. Expect you to be in place and ready to go at day break.

[Mike] Make sure you bring your waivers

I'm not dealing with any more weepy spouses.

(indistinct) are going with us.

What? You're not leaving me out of this man. No way.

Not leaving you out of anything.

I'm assigning you to air tower.

Don't do my any favors.

[Kevin] I don't know what's going on.

But seems like someone's ass is writing checks or something.

[Bill] Ass? (guys laughs)

Now you know how thick it is down there.

Now from up there, you might be able to spot him.

And you might get a crack at him.

[Bill] Plus it overlooks make out point!

This whole damn thing.

Tom? You're not gonna be left out of anything okay?

[Mike] I'll need you to be a key witness for the trial.

Wish to hell it'd hurry up and be daylight.

Won't be much longer.

Bob? Still a little bit chilly this morning ain't it?

[Kevin] Downright snuggling weather if you ask me!

Alright. Let's go.

[Bill] Um. Come on, you, apes? You want to live forever?

[Mike] You're not in Kansas anymore.

[Kevin] I ain't got time to uh, uh. Bleed. I ain't got time to bleed!

[Bill] Uh game over man. And so that's the end of the game.

I think that's how the line goes.

[Kevin] Yeah I think so.

Kelly I'd like have the first shot.

I can't promise that.

[Mike] Okay. How about one free fragging? On the house?

At least fifteen feet tall.

Weighs maybe two or three thousand pounds right?

I want to catch him.

You what? Want to capture him?

That's right.

[Kevin] Huh. Right. An animal in captivity? (gurgling noises) Whoo hoo!

I've been developing these brand new tranquilizer shells and.

Oh christ.

That shell won't penetrate the hair of his chinny chin chin.

Not trying to kill him with it.

Just want to put it to sleep. Alright, that's fine.

The first guy to knock him down. That baby won't do it.

We'll see about that.

[Mike] Insult my official Red Ryder air rifle will ya?

I sure hope you ain't going out there alone?

Liable to become its breakfast.

I figure that old grizzly is hungry again.

Not for a while.

I told you. He just ate the cub.

I doubt if he's hungry now. Yeah?

[Kevin] (laughs) This pair seems pretty concerned about portion control.

(Bill laughs) I forget old grizzly's name.

[Bill] Is this guy being Alabama? What the? (Kevin laughs)

Pretty ridiculous. It is.

Well let me tell you a little story boy. [Bill] Oh no.

A long time ago there was a tribe of indians up here in these woods.

[Bill] I think he's about to all "Quinty".

Laid down with the pox.

Something I can't remember.

♪♪♪

Anyway this herd of grizzlies smelled him out.

They come in and they ate him.

[Kevin] But you delivered the bomb. The end. (Bill laughs)

Little children. Sicklings. Everybody.

[Mike] One little, two little. Three little indians?

Hunt.

They come back.

And grizzlies turned on them.

[Kevin] It was the worst thing to happen to a native american that hour.

A whole herd of man eating grizzlies.

Just ran and ran. Tearing up indians.

♪♪♪

Pretty hard to believe.

Unless you happen to be one of them indians.

[Mike] Now, do bears use every part of the indian?

Kelly?

I can still root him out my own way.

Hell I can look like him.

I can smell like him.

Now give me a chance! Let me go in!

You got a dime? Want to call your mama.

[Kevin] She's a copyright lawyer. I need to check something.

Around out here in the woods. Trying to act like a bear.

You smell like one. You scratching around in the ground like one.

I mean does she know you're making a damn fool of yourself?

[Bill] Where's this coming from?

This ain't no cat with teeth!!

You know I think your mama would be a little disappointed.

Maybe.

[Mike] She's in my duffle bag. you can ask her.

Not nearly as disappointed as she would be if she had you for a son.

Sonny!

Scotty? Scotty?

[Kevin] Your mom loves southern helicopter pilots. You know that!

You had a crack at him.

But I don't want you going out in those woods alone.

[Bill] Fine. I'm going to where the teddy bears have their picnic.

♪♪♪

[Mike] And as a new day begins marketing trends shift.

And the bear suddenly becomes more like the aliens in Close Encounters.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] Tourism took a hit ever since they installed that POW camp on the property.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Well, that's one Fed Ex shipping center stared at.

Now let's have a look at the other one.

Maybe it's different from this angle. Nope. It's the same.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Gah! Even the senior centers have their bedroom shades closed today.

Just my luck.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] Hurry fellas!

We only have an hour before the Maya Angelou

symposium at the Botanical Garden.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Will this map blow away? Stay tuned!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ (growling)

[Kevin] Ooo. Rough terrain.

Must be really hard for bears to ride their unicycles around there.

(growling)

♪♪♪ (growling)

♪♪♪

[Bill] Oh man.

You are just asking for a water balloon in the face with that kind of shot.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Ugh. What was in that cub? My movement is so erratic and inconsistent.

And is it just me or does my height keep changing?

Agh. Was that a lion's growl? I'm really out of it.

♪♪♪ (beeping noise)

[Kevin] Oh. My manicotti needs stirring.

Posner here?

You see anything moving out there at all?

Only your hunters tearing up the forest.

[Bill] Oh sure. When they rape the land they're suddenly MY hunters!

He has to be out there someplace.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Huh. Somebody lit the beacon of Gondor. Oh well. It's probably nothing.

♪♪♪

(growling)

[Bill] Hey! Do you play the washboard? Our jamboree needs a rhythm section!

♪♪♪

Jesus!

♪♪♪

It's the grizzly!

[Mike] He thinks he's at Woodstock '99!

We're on our way!

♪♪♪

Come on Don! Come on!

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Uh the bear's triggering the cameraman's tremor. Quick!

Take your L-DOPA!

♪♪♪

[Bill] Ah. See the problem with bears is that whether

their team wins or loses, there's gonna be property damage.

[Kevin] Yeah.

♪♪♪ (growling)

[Mike] Grizzly just has questions about the butterfly peeper's hike next week.

(shots fire) ♪♪♪

(shots fire)

♪♪♪

We're almost there!

[Kevin] One thing they kind of forgot to plan for? What to do if the bear shows up?

♪♪♪

[Bill] The tower where over 800 camp counselors

lost their virginity was demolished Tuesday.

Mourners are invited to pay their respects and brag.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Oh no!

Now I have to rebuild the tower which will

almost certainly drive up the wine prices.

[Kevin] No!

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Please tell everyone the skinny dipping ranger maybe kind of liked me.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Well, maybe southern guy has some medical training.

Maybe not all is lost. Nope nope. He's checking his pulse through thick work gloves.

Rest in peace friend.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Ahhh. Well the bachelor auction's gonna need a new MC.

That much is clear.

How would you say the bear thing is being handled?

Okay I guess.

[Bill] It distracts folks from our horrid appearance.

I sure do feel sorry for that poor forest ranger though.

Yeah I think we all feel the same way.

[Mike] Ugly presumptive news will return after this. (Bill laughs)

Is there anything I can do?

No, he has a family.

[Kevin] Hmm. What can I provide that a family can't?

Send some flowers.

[Kevin] That's it. Man I'm great in a crisis. I should run for office!

I've got a plan.

But I need time and men. [Bill] Time and Men's Health.

Kelly I'm not.

Listen! Just listen.

[Bill] I'm short on bathroom reading material, okay?

You've got Tom here.

Now the first killing took place up here.

He circled and killed.

Circled and killed.

[Mike] Yep okay. I think. Killed Gil here.

[Mike] Alright.

And he circled again right behind us.

[Mike] Right. And killed Tom.

[Mike] Yes I get it. He likes to circle and kill!

Continue heading down looking for human food.

[Kevin] (singing) Circle and kill!

What we're thinking.

And I'd like to get the jump on him this time.

The grizzly's an animal Kelly.

Don't give it human qualities.

[Bill] Unless you're an animatronics engineer.

Then by all means anthropomorphize away!

He's not even listening to you Kelly.

Mm mm.

See he doesn't understand that we're dealing with a highly intelligent beast.

[Mike] One who wouldn't stoop to corporate sponsors.

Scotty? Would you take that sandwich outside and eat it?

Please?

[Mike] But my thing is sandwich eating! (Bill laughs)

[Bill] Sandwich. Come on.

[Kevin] Aww!

Charlie?

Close the park and give me another crack at him.

[Bill] Man, this is on the nose.

Need to close the park.

[Bill] Can we just get you a light blue anchor

jacket and be done with it? (Kevin laughs)

Reporters out there and TV cameramen than there are animals.

It's a goddamn circus! I invited them.

You invited them?

[Mike] There's only enough paella for three!

See the kind of clean thorough job that we're capable of doing.

You're kidding?

We have five dead people.

One raving almost dead man!

And you call that clean?

[Bill] Now they're getting close to witness level yelling.

(guys yell indistinctly)

[Bill] Like that.

[Kevin] Right.

You can go to Washington and get one of those dark brown plastic offices!

Get out!

[Mike] No YOU get out! [Kevin] Hi I'm back. (Bill laughs)

Out of my office.

Because when I finish with you there's not gonna

be anybody there waiting to shake your greasy bloody hand.

You are finished, dismissed, removed!

Up yours! [Bill] A...sphincter....says... WHAT?

(dog barks)

[Kevin] Great scene.

[Mike] Oh. They caught him in a rare moment when he

wasn't eating a wrapped, store bought deli sandwich.

[Kevin] Ah. Yeah.

The cigarette after losing a government job is always the smoothest.

[Bill] (whisper) Oh baby.

Ah. Not bright enough.

Yeah I mean uh.

Well the hell do hunters know about?

Rangers know about hunting?

[Mike] (slurring words) And what do dental hygienists know about

ventriloquism? That's what I want to know!

Do you know the kind of real estate deal I can make on this property?

[Kevin] I got it for a nickel from the original owners.

First I'd parcel off the lots.

Do whatever you like.

Want to be the one to hang up your jock?

That's your business.

Do me a favor. [Bill] Never mention my jock again.

Go home. Mmm mmm.

I'm gonna get that grizzly.

What?

You heard me. [Mike] You can bet your jock on it.

[Bill] What did I just tell you? [Mike] I'm sorry.

Why? It's not just a job to me.

I'm in the forest anyway.

It's like home to me.

I like it there. And I can find him.

You're crazy you know that? You're crazy!

[Kevin] Giving up and drinking is the only rational course.

[Mike] It's the Nelson family motto right there.

(guys laugh)

Nurse your battered pride and your scotch.

And I'll get us our Ursas Horribulus.

[Mike] And then, you'll go after the bear, or?

(door closes) ♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Ah come on! don't eat the kid!

[Bill] Yeah!

[Kevin] He has so little meat on him. It's inefficient.

♪♪♪

Robert you stay close now, you hear?

[Bill] She's the Mrs. Kintner of the series.

[Mike] I wish she borrowed her veil. [Bill] Now Mike.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Okay come on. Smear yourself with bacon fat. That's what beary likes!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] Actually gonna show the joke about the bear and the rabbit.

[Kevin] Oh my god!

♪♪♪

[Mike] Mr. Wilson paid for a hit after Dennis dug up his tulip bed again.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] He's gonna go play with best friend Thomas J from My Girl.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] Thomas J wasn't home.

I wonder what Leslie from Bridge to Terabithia is up to?

(growling) ♪♪♪

(screaming)

[Mike] Keep cutting every five frames and maybe

they'll think this bear was within a mile of an actor.

(screaming)

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Hello 50% of saving on sneakers.

♪♪♪

(growling)

♪♪♪

[Bill] Well. Let that be a lesson to you kids. Stay inside and watch TV.

(sound of rain)

[Mike] Oh god. I hope that rabbit's okay.

(rain pouring)

[Kevin] This is still a funnier bear movie than Ted 2.

(indistinct chatter)

[Bill] Brought my lip caterpillar.

[Mike] Sorry about saying "up yours". That was a really terrible comeback.

Carnival over? Yes. Everybody goes?

[Kevin] Even the bearded lady and lobster boy?

That includes the press mister.

The park's closed.

People have a right to know.

[Bill] Did the bear poop out the kid's shoe?

The story's about greed.

I don't want it to go to Washington.

Feeling sorry for myself.

[Mike] (shouting) Hey do the rest of us need to be here for this?

Well your hands aren't clean neither pal.

You and your cameras have made it so exciting. So attractive!

We told it like it was.

[Kevin] Yep. Unoriginal to the point of plagiarism.

Tell it how it was.

And that's little Bobby.

He's alive? Part of him is.

Get him to the city hospital in time.

[Bill] Kid's alive?

Did the bear have a change of heart and start making tourniquets?

(rain pouring)

[Mike] Kid, you're gonna be riding your bike again in no time!

(whisper) Set the GPS for the morgue.

[Kevin] Well I'm sober now. Stupid kid owes me half a bottle of scotch!

(siren sounds)

[Bill] Still shaken up. By how totally radical that boy's race car bed was.

[Mike] Poor, poor bed. Nobody's sitting in it. Going "vroom, vroom".

Feels like 'Nam all over again.

Special excitement.

[Kevin] Knowing that any minute Fortunate Son could start playing.

Think so?

I haven't got a choice.

Listen I want to thank you.

For being over my head with it. You're getting it.

[Bill] Don's helicopter service.

Sounds like a business in a Far Side cartoon. (Kevin laughs)

Alright.

If this ain't all ironic.

Now in 'Nam, I zapped about a hundred, maybe two hundred gooks.

[Mike] Alanis wisely cut that line.

Called them gooks, so we couldn't get personal.

But it did get personal anyway.

So I stopped counting and tried to stop caring.

[Kevin] Yeah you really seem haunted.

You know I don't kill nothing no more.

Not even flies. Made myself that promise.

[Bill] My life is hell. Killing was great.

Sorry ain't necessary.

This is my choice.

I could have said no.

Where's Scott?

[Mike] Flies got him. I hold you responsible.

Crazy.

You know that boy's weird.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Oh please be Buffalo Rider. Riding in to punch that bear.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Randall Mc Murphy. Master of dressage.

♪♪♪

(helicopter buzzing)

[Mike] Don's helicopter service. That's my favorite helicopter service. (Bill laughs)

What makes you think this old bear's really moving back upcountry?

Well we know about grizzlies.

They don't like to stray.

[Kevin] I mean, not maul people. They don't like to not maul people.

I think he's just lost.

Wants to go home where it's safe.

We don't have to go home.

[Bill] Why does he sound turned on?

(helicopter buzzing)

(growling)

[Mike] By the end of the movie, they're gonna have the bear doing spit takes.

[Bill] What? Huh?

[Kevin] Can't get enough of super golden crisp.

And crunchy little blonde haired boys.

♪♪♪ (growling)

♪♪♪

[Bill] Ahh! A thing? (Kevin laughs)

Here. I got one.

Now that army rifle you got ain't gonna get what we need.

This is thirty ought six with a K4 scope on it for fast shooting.

[Mike] It's got blast processing which adds thirty two X and lock on technology.

Hold this will you?

[Kevin] Yep. I keep a ten point buck in the back seat at all times.

I wish my mama taught me how to tie knots.

[Bill] Yeah that's really the only opportunity most people have to learn that.

Get some kind of down wind, the old bear might smell us, and come on after us.

[Mike] Hey. They spatchcocked him.

[Kevin] Hoo. That's my favorite kind of spatching.

You could help.

(growling)

[Bill] I should check in on Shardik? See how the bean garden is going.

[Mike] Whoa. Yeah. That got my back all realigned. Doc you're a miracle worker.

It's heavy.

Okay? Hold that down.

I am holding it right.

Don will you lift?

What do you think I'm doing?

[Kevin] Hanging a deer carcass from a tree isn't the

sort of thing you want to let on that you're too good at.

Come here sweetheart.

Okay.

[Bill] You've done something right in your life

if you've never called a corpse "sweetheart".

I'm going back to get the rest of the gear.

Alright.

I'll be down in a blind.

[Mike] Jesus would say that whenever he was about to do some healing.

(Bill laughs)

(growling)

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Oh. Great blind you've constructed there.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] So pastry like.

[Mike] The non donut bear claws are slightly less likely to kill you.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] I hope bear baiting isn't as dirty as it sounds.

♪♪♪

[Bill] It's like the pinata at the world's creepiest Quinciniera.

(growling) ♪♪♪

[Mike] Next time bring the scotch.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Help!

(indistinct shouting)

[Kevin] Probably is a tribute to his favorite 90s comedy about nuns! (Bill laughs)

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] That's my theme song! (humming)

♪♪♪

[Bill] The big fat bear!

♪♪♪

[Mike] Bear, what do you say? [Bill] Excuse me.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Okay.

Total ripoff of the scene where Brody and Quint chase the shark on foot.

♪♪♪ (growling)

[Bill] Boy I hope they catch the bear. And it culminates in the show stopping

musical number "Put him in the bag, ma ma". (Kevin laughs)

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] Stop to let a salmon jump into my mouth? No, there's no time.

[Kevin] Gah. Dammit.

I knew we shouldn't have taken directions from that bear

in the trench coat with the fake looking mustache.

We were right behind him.

I don't know about that.

He's just gone. Christ.

Must have run a mile.

[Bill] You run fifty second miles right Don?

Only thing we can do is going back to the copter.

(heavy breathing) ♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] I'm worried that the movie's gonna end

without the bear quipping "It's time to die-burnate!"

♪♪♪

[Kevin] If this is McCloud, he's way off brand.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

(horse neighs)

[Bill] And....cut! Scene! Brilliant!

[Kevin] Lovely.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Oh dammit. The bear stole the helicopter!

Aww, son of a bitch!

Figured us out. Figured us out and circled back.

[Kevin] Then he leveraged a deep dive drill on some action items.

Couple of his toys.

We are.

You know he could circle back around here again.

[Bill] At the end of the day, we'll ping him and take it off line.

Maybe open the kimono. (Kevin laughs)

[Mike] Now the bear circles back one more time

and says "Hey did you get that email I just sent?"

♪♪♪

[Kevin] We now return to The Life Equestrian with Steve Zissou.

♪♪♪

Whoa. (horse neighs)

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] Well. Good thing this patch of uninhabited wilderness is so well lit.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Oh. Oh no. Or maybe good? Perhaps gross?

♪♪♪

[Bill] Well, whatever that thing was, it's evidently

the perfect thing to bed down next to. (Kevin laughs)

[Mike] Climb on in horsey. I can't sleep if I ain't spooning something.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Yep, this is how I got to bed every time I stay at a Motel 6.

[Bill] Wise. [Kevin] Got the carbine in my hand.

(squeaking noise)

[Bill] The hardened outdoors man. Terrified by a horny chipmunk.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Since he is a jackal doesn't he need to sleep curled up? Nose to anus?

[Bill] Oh Mike. That's werewolves.

[Kevin] Better lock up. I didn't like the look of those voles.

Are you sure you want to take first watch?

[Bill] Well if you hear me saying "Put the diaper on me

mommy" in my sleep, that's just pilot talk.

If you feel wet snot in your face. Whatever you do, don't move.

And don't kiss it back, because it ain't me.

[Mike] Also it ain't a snout. And it is me.

[Bill] (laughs) Wet snot.

[Kevin] Hell. Why can't we just take off in the helicopter and sleep there?

[Bill] (sighs) I've explained this three times already.

[Mike] Guess we're not gonna make s'mores then.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Uh. Yep. You know Spielberg sued them for this shot.

[Bill] Hmm?

[Kevin] Gloken Spiel Bergstrom. Spielberg to his friends.

He's a caterer the director stiffed.

[Bill] Huh. Alright. [Kevin] Yeah, you see? Spiel?

[Bill] Yeah, yeah. ♪♪♪

[Mike] And the camera man zoomed in on a patch of brush until the sun came up.

Ah I was kidding. (guys laugh)

♪♪♪

[Bill] Well. Nothing happened to them.

But at least we saw the nothing that proceeded it.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Something happening back there? No? Okay let's give it another day.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] This horse, by the way, has no name.

It's named after the horse in America's "A Horse with No Name".

[Bill] How can it be named after?

[Kevin] The guy who named it that? You guessed it.

Glocken Spiel Bergstrom. [Bill] (sighs) Please stop.

[Kevin] Spiel Berg. To his friends.

[Mike] Oh. Spruce bark beetle. I'd know their foul handiwork anywhere.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] When the giving tree started to bleed,

that's when the boy truly became happy.

♪♪♪

[Bill] What is this? Free tree goo? Don't mind if I have myself a lick?

♪♪♪

[Mike] Alright you two. Time to pick up the pace.

Either Christopher Reeve it or Catherine the Great it. I don't care which.

[Bill] Oh wow! [Mike] I mean come on!

[Bill] Woo boy! Ha ha.

[Kevin] The next day the local McDonalds

suspiciously announces the return of the McRib.

(horse neighs)

[Bill] Yeah. The rest of the movie is him just riding around,

staring in horror at unidentifiable lumps.

[Kevin] I'd watch that.

[Bill] You are watching it. (Mike laughs)

This is Kelly, Scotty. Where the hell are you?

Don't mind that. Just listen to me.

I found a partially eaten buck.

That must have been the one we gutted.

What are you talking about?

Never mind. Where are you? [Mike] People are dying.

Someone share information instead of saying "never mind".

Where the hell are you Scotty?

What do want? Compass coordinates?

No. Street zip will do.

[Kevin] (laughs) Good one. Hey how do you think that mutilated boy is doing?

This is 8-21. Okay stay there.

Listen on second thought, get the hell out of there.

He might be coming back for the rest of his meal.

[Bill] How on earth is this bear still hungry?

I'm gonna put it around his neck and haul

him through the woods to where you fellas are.

With any luck our friend's gonna follow. Negative!

I'm leaving right now. I'll meet you halfway.

[Mike] As a tribute to my favorite song on the Over The Top soundtrack.

Scotty?

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Now this must be some of that special kind

of excitement the helicopter pilot was talking about.

♪♪♪ (horse neighs)

[Bill] Lumps? Goo? You guys there?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ (cocks gun)

[Mike] Soft clicking sound. Somewhere the bear is soiling himself in terror.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ (growling)

[Kevin] Whoa! The bear knows godfather fu!

[Bill] Whoa!

♪♪♪

[Bill] Ugh! I hate it when 2000 pound bears materialize out of thin air.

♪♪♪ (growling)

[Mike] Oh! Good thing a human's neck is much stronger than horse's.

♪♪♪ (helicopter buzzing)

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Hey Don? Why don't we just tell everyone we killed it?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] Only you can prevent me from. Killing. Let me start over.

(growling)

[Kevin] That's for not letting me be in the band Grizzly Bear.

I can kind of play guitar.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Maybe we should slow down and fly lower?

[Kevin] Nope. Pretty sure this is good.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] Hmm. Look at that. It's a bear-rial, said Kevin.

[Kevin] What?! I didn't. [Mike] Dammit Kevin! Come on. We talked about this earlier.

[Bill] Step up your game!

[Kevin] One of these days.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Please let that be his hand.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Kristen Stewart based her blinking Twilight acting on this scene.

[Bill] (softly) Line?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] (laughs) The bear also put his hand in a bowl of warm water.

(laughs) Such a prankster! (Kevin laughs)

♪♪♪

(moans)

[Mike] William Girdler presents spa day. (Kevin laughs)

[Mike] Still no ass man Girdler. (Kevin laughs)

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Ugh. Can't believe it. Buried by the stupidest,

fattest idiot of a bear that ever?

Oh he's right behind me isn't he? Oh!

(growling)

(growling)

[Bill] Hey bro.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Mondays!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] Wow. Well now I feel bad for making a stop for smoothies.

♪♪♪

How are we gonna get him back? [Kevin] I'll get the shop-vac.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Well. We'll bury him here.

[Bill] In a shallow hole. Then come back to gnaw on him later.

♪♪♪

Radio in the coordinates and someone will come and get him.

[Mike] I'd take him in the chopper with us, but I just had it reupholstered.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Hey a little time saving tip.

Put the remains of your mutilated friend back in the grave the bear dug.

[Bill] Oh. [Kevin] It's easy.

[Bill] Thanks. ♪♪♪

[Mike] Okay but bright side. Scott is now an amazing geocaching destination.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Oh man. Dramamine's just kicking my ass here.

Funny how a fella kind of goes up and down like some kind of yoyo.

I'm getting ready to kill again.

I can't hardly wait.

[Bill] Tim version of course. To hell with those garbage horns.

Didn't like that old boy.

You know when I was kidding around with him, I never meant him no insult.

I know.

You know Don?

You two are a lot alike.

[Mike] A lot alike in that neither the

screenwriter or the audience can tell you apart.

(helicopter buzzing)

[Kevin] I don't know.

I just feel like if we were lower, we could actually SEE the bear!

[Bill] No! All good!

Let's have another look at that grid map.

(helicopter buzzing)

There. Right there. That's where he's going.

He's back to his first kill.

I mean it's incredible!

[Mike] Did I say incredible? Because I meant ludicrous and implausible.

How? Why? Hell I don't know.

When a SAL-man fishes back upstream where it all began.

[Kevin] Well. Are you gonna tell us about the SAL-man or not?

[Bill] SAL-man.

♪♪♪

(growling) ♪♪♪

[Bill] Please! Please help me! A bunch of crazy park rangers are trying to kill me!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Hey you're getting in kind of close. [Mike] Is he?

Have faith brother.

(helicopter buzzing)

Man he's really moving.

Let's give that son of a bitch a run for his money.

[Kevin] After which run he'll have less of said money for groceries and child support.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Whoa.

He cleverly defeated their plan to be hundreds and hundreds of feet above him.

♪♪♪

I think we lost him.

(helicopter buzzing)

♪♪♪

[Mike] No it's not me the bear. It's just a harmless chainsaw sculpture.

You can stop looking now!

♪♪♪

I see him! I see him!

♪♪♪

He's on a mother-lovin' run.

[Bill] It's mutha-lutha run? Sure. Sure.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Guess now they're plan is to fly above him until

the bear gets old and settles into a comfortable retirement.

Let's take one rocket.

We'll get that damn launch and blast him!

[Kevin] Then we'll blast him again with a fair but critical Yelp review.

♪♪♪ You sure?

Yeah let's go in after him.

He's tired and he's scared. He isn't coming back out.

♪♪♪

Alright. [Bill] Or we could shoot him from the air?

[Mike] Nope. On the ground!

(helicopter buzzing)

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Sure, we've got a rocket launcher.

But let's just save that in case we want to shoot at cans or something.

(growling) (Kevin laughs) [Bill] Gah!

Really should have bought the bear attack seat belt option on this thing!

♪♪♪ (growling)

(growling)

Shit!

[Mike] Oh, if only there were some large motorized blades near the bear's neck.

(cocks gun) ♪♪♪ (growling)

(growling) ♪♪♪

[Kevin] Note to self. Next time bring more than two bullets.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] Never fear! I'm here to save you with my? Two bullets.

(growling) (shots fire)

(shots fire)

(shots fire)

[Mike] Um. why didn't you run? I mean I'm glad you

made it easy on me. I just feel kind of bad. (Kevin laughs)

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Gah!

The Taco Bell hot sauce packets I was storing in my mouth for some reason!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] Okay. Prepare to receive a free t-shirt you murderous bastard!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

(growling)

[Mike] Uh. Grin you offspring of a female dog!

[Bill] Don't think that'll do it. (Kevin laughs)

(shots fire) (Bill laughs)

[Kevin] The end of a bear career Jay Cutler can only dream about.

[Bill] Exploding bear.

[Kevin] Wow.

[Bill] Ugh. I can't remember whether my character can fly the chopper.

[Mike] I'm just a big bag of grits sometimes. (Bill laughs)

♪♪♪

[Mike] Well. All the dead people aside, that was damn fun!

There's gotta be another one of those things around here I can do that to!

(Bill laughs)

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] A bear blown up with a rocket launcher? Anyone else thinking Arby's?

[Bill] Oh yeah.

♪♪♪

[Bill] (softly) Please.

Don't tell my family I tried to swat the bear with my rifle like an idiot.

♪♪♪ (Mike hums)

♪♪♪

[Mike] What? That's it?

What happened to the guy who mispriced his wines?

[Bill] Yeah!

[Mike] I mean I like to think he lost his restaurant and hung himself in despair.

But I'll never know!

[Kevin] Yeah. And what about the female characters

that I never really figured out who they were?

[Bill] Ugh! Guys? You ever hear of setting up a sequel?

Besides what do you have to complain about?

The movie had a bear get blown up with a rocket launcher.

[Mike] Boring!

[Kevin] Yeah. I saw that three times on my way to work this morning.

Four if you count the koala.

[Bill] Yeah. Koala's not a bear.

[Kevin] I know. I just mean that.

[Bill] (shouting) Koala's not a damn bear!

[Mike] Okay. Easy fella.

[Kevin] Bill.

[Mike] Folks if you've found this anywhere other than RiffTrax,

we ask that you just stop by the RiffTrax site and drop some honey in our pot.

[Kevin] Or we'll shoot you with a rocket launcher!

[Mike] Yes. We'll shoot you with a. Wait. We will not.

[Bill] (shouting) Koala's not a damn bear! Ass man!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

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