Original subtitles

- David Hassel-- - David Hasselhoff--

According to The Guinness Book of World Records,

over 1.1 billion viewers watched David Hasselhoff

at the height of his fame.

But where did the viewers go?

...comeback tour was pulled by US promoters,

is the career of the famous lifeguard all washed up?

David Hasselhoff has now filed for bankruptcy.

According to his UK manager, he's leaving the United States

to pursue opportunities in England.

The British relaunch of David Hasselhoff has ended in disgrace

after he was caught performing for a notorious warlord.

After being implicated in a child abduction,

is David Hasselhoff now unemployable?

Let's put on a show, but first, let's have some fun.

If he wants to write a play about Lawrence of Arabia,

who's to say he can't?

I think the play needs some songs.

- Songs? - Yes. You know the band Roxette?

What if we give Lawrence a jet-pack? - A jet-pack?

I want to do something artistic, Dieter.

I want to do something truthful.

I want the Hasselhoff to bomb an entire village

of the brown people.

I'm out of here! Okay?

Apart from the first 25 years of my life,

David Hasselhoff has always been there for me.

Oh, my days, is that Tulisa?

Hey, Terry.

Money can make people act strange.

Oh, my two favourite smells, leather and pussy.

I think Hoff should stick with what he knows.

And that's just basically cars and tits.

European art-house cinema is brilliant.

But it's missing something...

David Hasselhoff.

You will be playing the part of Pastor Puritanical Domingo,

um, who leads a group of

Christian missionaries into this satanic forest, filled with blood.

So there will be paranormal happenings, some torture,

and pain and suffering and despair.

The like of which, cinema has never seen before.

Would you like me to read from the script?

Um, yes, by all means, very well, yes.

"I come to bring light to these people,

who live within the darkness of the woods."

That is wonderful. You have the part. You nailed it.

What? I didn't finish.

Congratulations and thank you. I look forward to working with you.

I got the part!

Yeah!

I read, like, three lines and I got it.

- Well, that's how good you are! - I know!

Are we absolutely sure that this is a proper film director?

He's not some maniac living in the basement

with his dead mum, or anything?

This is Armand De Vries.

He is a serious filmmaker. He's won awards.

Harriet, he's European.

We're going to fucking Romania!

Ugh!

For Christ's sake, Max, we've been waiting two hours.

Where's the car?

It's just the way independent films work.

They'll be here.

Right, so we got no signal, no water and no shelter?

Well organised, mate.

Lucky you've got a survival expert with you.

You don't know creative people, Danny.

Scheduling's not their strong point.

Does anyone have a map?

Yeah, according to my guide book,

the area is Hoia Baciu.

Apparently it is a haunted ancient forest,

home to a lost tribe of savages called the yesti.

It says they still conduct human sacrifice.

I'll deal with it.

No money.

No money. We do not have any money.

Max! He's saying this is our transport.

Oh, great. Great!

A hotel room, a coffee and a shower.

Yeah.

This is my trailer?

Um...

There's blood on the wall in here.

Hello?

Hello?

Hey!

Hello, I'm Anton, I'm the First Assistant Director.

- Welcome aboard. - Oh, God, hi. Thank you.

- How are you? Everything okay? - I'm okay.

- Long journey, man. - Yes.

Yeah. Um, coffee? A coffee?

Oh, coffee, that would be amazing but I'm afraid we don't have

a coffee machine at the moment.

One sec. Um, can you put a bit more wood on the fire and boil up some water

for a number one, thank you?

How's the shooting going?

How's the shoot going?

Why?

Have you heard about the soundman?

- The soundman? - Hmm.

What happened to the soundman?

Oh, no, nothing. Nothing.

Um, so this is your trailer.

Do you see that there?

- What's that? - That's blood.

- Where? - Right there, on the wall.

- You see it? - Uh... No.

There, in my trailer. Right there. Right there.

I can't see it but I will bring some cleaners in.

All right.

Everything's fine, but you just tell me what happened to the soundman?

Oh, nothing. Nothing.

No, no, he's going to make a full recovery.

Director's ready for you now. We're travelling.

I've been in a Romanian forest now for three months, I think,

four months, five months, around that time.

I mean, the first thing that happened to me when I got here,

is the director, Armand, he grabbed my phone, grabbed my laptop,

grabbed everything, lobbed it in the lake and said time doesn't exist.

So, uh,

I don't think, um,

my fiancée is very happy.

No, no! More smoke! More smoke!

This is the smoke of a tiny old lady's cigarette.

No! Come on!

More smoke! More smoke! Tell him more smoke!

Ooh, he's really into it, isn't he?

He is very committed, yes.

About the crows. I need crows on the body.

Maestro, um, Mr David Hasselhoff, Mr Armand De Vries.

Mr Hasselhoff,

thank you for coming all this way and please excuse my dirty, filthy hands.

No problem.

Very glad to meet you and thank you so much for putting me in the film.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. And, um, welcome to my forest.

She's beautiful, is she not?

She is beautiful.

But do you not agree, Mr Hasselhoff, that everything that is beautiful

may be transformed into a thing of horror?

Should have met my third wife.

Maestro, sorry to interrupt,

um, I'm afraid we have a bit of a problem. We don't seem to be able to get the crows

to stay on the dead body.

They keep flying away.

Superglue.

I'm sorry?

You place superglue underneath the feet of the crows and then

this will adhere them to the body and they will not fly away.

- Thank you. - Perhaps you should fly away.

Sorry about this. Some of these people are barely human.

Never work with crows, huh?

I beg your pardon, Mr Hasselhoff?

You know, never work with animals and children and...

On the contrary, Mr Hasselhoff, always work with crows.

I always work with crows.

There is at least one crow in every single one of my 73 features.

Oh, and one piece of advice while you are here,

tuck your trousers into your boots, the forest rats are vicious.

More smoke!

More smoke! Tell him more smoke!

Out of all of my 73 films, death, um, has played a very significant role,

just in the titles alone.

If I think of some, off the top of my head,

there is Where is Death?,

Death Approaches, Death Is Here, Death Has Departed.

Um, I have only done one comedy in my life,

um, Mr Cuckoo Goes Bananas,

but that was in order to gain, um,

funds to make my film, The Deathly Master of Deaths.

Fucking hell. What the fuck is that?

Oh, my God, do you work here?

- First Assistant Director. - Whoa, Director Rani.

Nice to meet you, man. Name's Terry Patel, big respect.

Hoff's head of security.

Yeah, but I'm freelance, so I do all kinds of stuff, do you know what I mean?

I'm like, um, jack-of-all-trades.

Um, and I'm a stuntman as well.

Do you want to just back up? I don't want you to get hurt.

Check this out. I'll just warm up.

Jesus Christ, I'm on my way.

I think I could be an actor, you know what I mean?

Like, if I'm angry, I can do angry. So if I'm angry it's kind of like...

Yeah. Um, sad, I can do sad.

Yeah. I can do happy.

Yeah. I can do confused.

Do you know what I mean? So I'm a versatile actor.

You. One of the actresses has broken her pelvis on set.

I need a stand-in urgently.

What, me? Act? I don't think so.

Although, I did do Annie at school.

That's great. The director's all about the look anyway.

No, I don't think so.

You! What about you? Are you an actress?

What? Are you serious? Her?

Well, look, if you're begging me...

- No, no. - No, I can tell.

You're desperate, you're begging me and I'll do it.

Take me to make-up.

I had a look at the script and it does not seem very funny

but I'm not worried about that because if there's one thing my dad can do,

he can make any script and find the humour in it.

Like, he did an audition for the 12 Years a Slave,

and he was playing this slave guy and he was so funny.

He was, kind of, running around going, "Get off my land, you work hard for me,"

and I was rolling on the floor.

Um, but they gave that part to Michael Fassbender,

and he was not funny.

He did not find any of the humour in the lines.

3-42.

Action!

We must find the yesti.

Bring them into the light.

Again.

We must find the yesti!

Again.

We must find the yesti

and bring them into the--

- No, no, no. - What?

Mr Hasselhoff, I think, perhaps we should remind ourselves of the back story

with you and Getruda.

You were once lovers but she chose God over you.

How does this make you feel?

Not that bad because if you're second place to God

that's kind of cool, you know? I mean...

Let us take these elements and add to them the fact

that you have bruised vertebrae due to the incident with the demon

and also remember you are in extreme pain due to the infestation

of the tape worm in your lower colon.

Now, we must feel your feelings and we must know

that you feel our feelings without you showing that you are feeling

those feelings.

And...

Action!

We must find the yesti!

Bring them into the light.

Cut!

I once made an actress come into a room through a door 183 times,

and it was only on the 183rd time that she did something that I could use.

She opens the door and there was such a look in her eye

and then she vomited, she fainted,

she fell on the floor, and she soiled herself.

I expect my actors to sweat.

I expect them to sweat from the skin.

I expect them to sweat from their bones.

I expect them to sweat from their souls.

I am finding Mr Hasselhoff's performance very dry.

Do you know what art is?

Is it paintings?

Well, you have answered my question.

But this is no big surprise.

You are, after all,

just a money monkey.

You would not know what art is if it walked up to you, undid its fly,

and slapped you in the face with its ball bag.

Mr Hasselhoff, what he is doing with his dry performance,

is he is setting fire to my art.

This, Mr Max, cannot go on.

I... I'll have a word.

It's quite a strong look.

- What am I supposed to be? - Curva diavolului.

Oh. What does that mean in English?

You're the devil's whore.

Right.

What do you mean, the medic hasn't arrived?

Go to channel two.

Oh, my days. Harriet!

I'm supposed to be the devil's whore, apparently.

What, you got... You got lines in this?

Quite a few.

Who do I need to nosh off to get a part in this?

To be honest, I'm quite fuming actually 'cause I saw Harriet and she was dressed

as this like, slut and she was like, "Yeah, I've got a few lines in the film."

I was like, what?

Like, what, 'cause she's got, like, you know what I mean?

Like, she got her tits out?

What am I supposed to do, just pull my nob out? It's sexism.

Action!

Lord! It's been 14 days without food and water.

My men are hungry and thirsty.

Show me a sign of thy benevolence.

Um, Mr Hasselhoff,

you want your faith, but I see no hunger in your eyes.

You know, speaking of hunger. I am really hungry.

It's got to be like, four o'clock. I am seriously going to pass out.

When's lunch?

Anton, do you have Mr Hasselhoff's lunch?

Now, we have here the lunch.

- You can smell the lunch, yes? - Yes.

And perhaps, you can see, oh.

You can see, ooh, here. So, um,

what I want you to do

is to deliver the speech to the lunch.

I need to see hunger.

In your own time.

Armand's style of directing is no style.

He's like the, sort of, Bruce Lee of directors.

He incorporates all styles.

Um, but mainly he berates people until, hopefully, something will come out,

that is what he wants them to do.

There's real method,

in his madness.

It has been 14 days...

...without food or water.

My men are hungry.

My men are thirsty.

Lord, show me a sign of your benevolence.

Can I have the lunch now?

That was beautiful,

because I saw the hunger.

And now, let us do it again, because I did not see the thirst.

Max, where have you been?

Hi.

Oh. Hello, Max.

Just wanted to tell you that the director is a frickin' lunatic.

He kept me from eating lunch.

It's like riding a frickin' horse, blindfolded.

I have no idea what I'm doing so I'm going home. Bye.

I know it seems weird but this is just how these directors work.

I want to go home. I want to go home!

I want to go home!

- We can't leave. - Why not?

If we leave, they sue us for the cost of the whole film.

What's the cost of the film? $10?

You'd be surprised.

Could we have, like, a tranquiliser?

Can we get hold of Michael Jackson's doctor?

I've got his cell number.

Ah, you have returned.

As the kitten returns to the mother cat.

Sorry.

I'm not a quitter.

I am a professional.

Come to mama cat.

There, there, there, there.

We have an amazing scene for you, Mr Hasselhoff.

They will start preparing the raft.

- There was nothing in the script... - Shh. Shh.

- ...about a raft. - Shh.

I have the face that men will always go crazy for, Fernando.

That is my curse.

Men cannot resist the twist of my hips.

Twist of my hips. Yes.

How long have we got to put up with this?

When do we get to go home? This is a fucking disaster.

You can go home anytime you like, Danny. I don't know why you're here.

I'm here to keep an eye on the Hoff. Someone has to.

Is that supposed to happen?

I'm looking out for the Hoff every day of my life, mate.

Oh, you are not looking out for him. All you care about is...

I've never seen you even look out for him.

I'm floating away.

I'm looking out for him right now, mate. - Oh, are you?

Max. Guys? Guys?

David floating down the river.

The raft just took off.

- David. What are you-- - Guys. I'm floating away.

- David! - Is it in the script?

- Are you okay, Dad? - I'm frickin' floating away.

Okay, Dad, you have to jump off the raft and swim over.

- Swim over! - He can't swim, Dieter.

David Hasselhoff in Baywatch can't swim?

The thing is, he's terrified of water.

He's not good in it.

The problem with David is, his centre of gravity is higher

than most people's. It's up here.

You put him in water, he starts flitting back and forth,

like a fucking weeble.

- Hey. Hey! - Hold on!

Just hold on!

- Guys. - David!

Where are you going?

Oh, my God, this gets wet, I'm going to sink like a dwarf.

We've lost him.

Wait. The river flows this way and then it bends round to the east.

If we cut through the woods, we can head him off.

That's what I was going to say. I'll lead.

Follow the devil's whore!

No, follow me!

Guys?

Look.

Satanic symbol.

It must be the yesti.

Who?

The wild men who live in the forest.

Oh, fuck.

Listen, yeah, I watch a lot of horror films, yeah.

In those films, the brown fella always dies first.

So, I'm going to go first, then it'll be the arrogant prick,

then it'll be the jock, then it's the whore, and then

you'll probably be all right 'cause the virgin normally stays alive at the end

and saves everyone.

Yeah, I'm a virgin.

Yeah, that's what he's saying.

- I definitely haven't had sex before. - Yes, that is what virgin means.

Yeah, yeah. Dieter's a virgin.

Right, so we're in agreement?

Look, it's nothing to do with the yesti. It's just a bunch of twigs.

And they're saying that I'm a virgin.

Okay, maybe I haven't had penetrative vaginal sex before,

but you know, for one thing...

Wait, where's Terry?

Terry?

Terry!

Terry, this isn't funny, mate.

- Terry. - Shh, shh.

They got him.

It's too late for him. Let's get out of here.

No, no, no, Terry.

I'm just having a shit.

I always shit when I get nervous.

Let me finish up.

I need a leaf.

Hey! Hey!

Wait! Wait.

Wait!

Come on, Danny. It's going to get dark soon.

- Oh, what? - What is it?

Why is there blood on the tree?

Oh, no. We have angered the yesti, and now the trees are bleeding.

Right, Dieter, enough of your storytelling.

I'm a biochemist, all right? It's probably just some sort

of interesting sap.

No, that is blood.

Hello.

Hello!

Anyone out there?

Anyone there?

Hello?

Hey! Come on!

Come on! I hear you.

Let's face it,

we're lost, it's dark, we don't know where we're going.

I say we just stay here for the night.

What, sleep on the floor like some shit munchers?

- It's getting cold. - Maybe we should start a fire.

Yeah, Danny, start a fire.

You can't just start a fire. It doesn't work like that.

Not when everything's wet.

- It's completely dry-- - Just give me a minute to think!

For the first time in six weeks, I've thought, "Ah,

there's a reason for Danny to be here."

I've got it.

Who's got a lighter?

Ah, okay, guys.

Go on, junior!

How does that make you feel, Danny?

Are you using sticks? Yeah, anyone can do it with sticks, yeah.

I don't understand why you'd deliberately try to make it harder.

Nah, like, you get a thicker fire if you don't use sticks, right.

If you just want a quick fire, yeah.

Oh, shit.

- Was that a scream? - Oh, you're not scared, are you?

No, of course not.

All those stories.

Those are just fairy stories, right? I mean, just to be clear.

It's not actually, like, a real thing, is it?

Those little forest bastards try anything, yeah.

Just remember, I'm from Sutton.

It's probably just an animal, Terry.

I always used to wonder where I was going to die.

Shitty Romanian forest wasn't even in the top 100.

Let's play a game.

Like, at school we had this game where you tell everyone

what your first impressions of them were.

So, Harriet, what did you think of Max when you started working for him?

Oh, when I first started working for Max...

I don't think I should say.

Listen, we can all be honest now, Harriet.

It's all right, you can say if you were intimidated.

Well, really, Max, I just thought you were a bit of a dick.

Yeah, I thought you were a bit of a dick as well, mate.

Yeah, I thought you were a dick.

If I'm honest, I still think you're a dick.

When I first met all of you, I thought you were all right.

Now, I think you're dicks!

Oh, come on, Max.

Don't be immature. At least we're being honest.

Playing the game.

Terry, what did you make of everyone?

Well, you know, coming from Sutton and that,

just being a normal cab driver, I never would have thought

that I would actually get to meet my idol, David Hasselhoff.

Not only that, like, I met you guys

and, you know, normally, I've never really hung around

with this many white people but,

I don't care what people say, you lot are all right.

You know, if I hadn't started working for David,

I would never have had the chance to be the devil's whore.

The devil would be proud to have a whore like you, mate.

Thank you, Terry. That's sweet.

So, growing up in Germany,

nobody at school would believe

that David Hasselhoff was actually my dad,

so I didn't really have any, like, friends

back there but going to the UK,

I finally found my father, so it was all cool.

And also, now I have four real friends,

so I just, I love you guys.

Terry, are you crying?

No, I've got an insect in my eye or something.

Wait, he does actually have an insect in his eye.

Shit, get it off! Get it off!

- Hit him! - Get it off me!

Get him to the ground. Get him to the ground.

Get it off!

That night, I contemplated my own death.

And when you do that, you look back on your life and you wonder,

"Have I done everything I wanted to do?"

Well,

I've been to Barcelona,

I own an iPhone 6s,

and I've met Ricky from the Kaiser Chiefs.

Yes.

What the fuck? What's going on?

I can see people.

What are they doing? Over there. Quick. Now.

What? What the...

Look, over there.

It's Dad.

Hey, hey, hey. You don't have to do this, all right?

They're going to kill him. No!

And they're going to eat him.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey.

Listen up! We've got to go and save my dad.

They've got fire. They've got knives. We can't do that.

I hate to say it, but Max is right.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa!

It's too dangerous.

Terry, you're supposed to be a stunt double.

He needs you now more than ever before.

You're going to do this? Ah, ah, well, go ahead!

Go ahead! Light me up!

Light me up! Go ahead!

- I do not care if I am burnt to death. - Me neither.

Fuck it!

Come on!

- Cut! - What?

Yeah! Thank you very much.

What's happening?

Mr Hasselhoff.

What?

You are a very naughty boy.

You have been holding out on me.

You have just given me a passion, which has made me very, very, very excited.

What the...

Okay, let's take a break there. Let's reset, guys.

Reset the bonfire.

You know this wasn't real?

What the hell is going on?

Maestro, he didn't say the script.

No matter.

He has the body, we have the eyes, as far as the words are concerned...

Over-dubbing, have you heard of this? Fetch me coffee, please.

To be fair, that was a tremendous performance.

David, you know you can just take those off, don't you?

Oh, my God.

- Yeah. - You're right.

Hi, I'm Abby Lowe reporting from Flex TV at the single most important event

of the year, the world premiere of, Edge of Death which has been tipped

for the prestigious Palme d'Or award.

Critics are already hailing it as a masterpiece.

I think it's fair to say the film's gone down quite well.

Well, David's now, you know, an art-house film star.

I thought it was wonderful.

I thought that we saw something there that came from his heart.

The fact that he's a European director, that it's over here in Europe,

um, was really exciting because I knew it would be kind of, avant-garde-ish

and kind of very different. That's what's kind of exciting about it.

Lord, they lose heart on the mission, but my spirit still burns for thee.

Lord, I am but one man.

I am alone.

Bring them into the light.

Where are you going?

Where am I going?

Come on, Lord, I'm ready!

Come on!

What did I make of the film?

Between us?

It's boring, isn't it?