Original subtitles

- David Hassel... - David Hasselhoff...

According to the Guinness Book of World Records,

over 1.1 billion viewers watched David Hasselhoff

at the height of his fame.

But where did the viewers go?

After his comeback tour was pulled by US promoters,

is the career of the famous lifeguard all washed up?

David Hasselhoff has now filed for bankruptcy.

According to his UK manager, he is leaving the United States

to pursue opportunities in England.

The British relaunch of David Hasselhoff has ended in disgrace

after he was caught performing for a notorious warlord.

After being implicated in a child abduction,

is David Hasselhoff now unemployable?

I don't do weddings.

This wedding happens to pay £150,000.

Yorkshire's another country.

"Ey up", that means, begin sexual intercourse.

You got a problem with people from London?

Well, you're all twats.

Fair enough.

David!

- I am literally your number one fan. - Really?

Whoa!

In there, there's four, five scary Northerner's.

Out there, there's fucking 1000s of them.

You're a dog murderer.

You killed David and now you're throwing him in the lake like some Russian whore.

Presents.

Oh, sorry about that.

Totally got the wrong end of the stick.

* Baby for me ♪

Could you just give me five minutes?

David Hasselhoff is an ideas man.

He must send me 20 to 30 ideas a day.

He's like Thomas Edison

if all of Thomas Edison's ideas were shit.

So it's my job to tell him

that those ideas are shit

and that he should do this job that I've got him, an advert for Netto,

a panto in Belgium.

Belgium, they're getting into pantos now.

That's what David should be doing.

We inhale,

reach up,

and we point towards the Dog Star.

What is up with you today?

Ooh, man, I'm sorry.

Could we just call it quits?

Okay.

Yeah, I just... I got some issues I'm dealing with, Danny.

- What's going on? - I'm working on my passion project, okay?

This means the world to me.

It's the story of T. E. Lawrence.

- The porn guy? - No, that's D. H. Lawrence.

This is the story of Lawrence of Arabia.

I'm writing the play, so

- I turn in my first draft to Max. - And what did Max say?

Not interested. Nobody will ever finance a project like this.

That is typical Max.

I mean, I was born to play Lawrence of Arabia.

You ever heard of a geezer called Bunny Vasilis?

He's a billionaire and he funds all sorts of airy fairy shit.

- Yeah. - He financed Cirque du Soleil.

He bailed out the Italian government and best of all,

he plays paddleball with Lionel Richie.

Bunny is big time...

And I've got an in.

Max doesn't believe in the play

because Max doesn't like it when David stretches himself.

The thing is with Max, it's all about a quick buck.

He doesn't want David to stretch himself and build something.

I mean, Hoff is a man of surprises. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, he can sing. Yeah, he can dance.

Yeah, he can fight.

Yeah, he can fuck.

Do you know what I mean?

But, I didn't know he could write.

I didn't know that about him. Do you know what I mean?

I thought he was illiterate for a long time.

Um, but he's got a nice little, he's got a nice little pen game.

I am wearing Arab robes.

I cross the entire Sahara desert.

I haven't had a drink of water in over four days.

At this point he's probably drinking his own piss.

He is parched.

Sorry.

I reach the British Embassy.

I say, "My name is T. E. Lawrence."

The century says, "I have never heard of you."

Then I say, in a British accent,

"Soon the entire British Empire

will know my name."

So he's universal.

No matter who you are, race, creed, colour, how much money you have,

we're all the same.

David, I want you to look me in the eye and tell me,

are you completely out of your fucking mind?

Yes.

Great. That's just what I wanted to hear.

How much money do you need?

£1.2 million to do the project properly.

Yep.

Okay. It's fine.

Wait, did you just say you're actually going to give us the money?

Yes, I am.

Right.

Let's put on a show, but first, let's have some fun.

£1.2 million.

You can put a play on for like, what, 500 quid.

The rest of that is ours.

I'm going to buy a boat!

It's one of my favourite venues in the whole of London.

I bring many of my esteemed guests here.

Berlusconi, funny guy.

Ban Ki-moon

and, uh, of course, your George Osborne,

super crazy guy.

And now we have my David.

I like to propose a toast, to David Hasselhoff,

to the West End and beyond!

And beyond!

Have you lot seen these mini hot dogs?

Look at the size of them.

They're fucking mental. Yes.

Money can do different things to people.

It can make people act strange, do you know what I mean?

But I think sometimes you need the money

to make you realise like, there's other lifestyles out there.

Do you know what I mean? I've just been living in Sutton the whole time

going to the same kebab shop my whole life.

I've never experienced this.

Bunny showed me another side, the other side of the tracks.

Rebecca tells me you used to be a scientist,

working on a cure for malaria?

I was only really a very junior member of the team.

Never be modest. Celebrate your achievements.

That's a really nice watch.

It's a platinum Rolex.

You want it?

Have it.

What?

Me?

Bunny's incredible.

Bunny's grabbed life by the balls and that's what I'm going to do.

Wake up every day, find life's balls and grab them.

- Go have some fun. Go on. - Okay.

Let's go.

Okay, everybody.

Uh, good evening.

My name, DJ Dieter.

I am the Antichrist!

So, you're a bit of a ladies man, Terry, yeah?

Are you also a player?

Player recognises player. Bring it in.

Oh, mate, you know, Terry loves the ladies, ladies love Terry,

do you know what I mean?

Oh my days, is that Tulisa?

Mate, I love her.

- Hello. - Bunny's at the bar.

He'd like a word. Could you come over?

Oh yeah, course I can. I'll be there in one sec.

God.

Hello, Bunny.

- Hey! - Good to see you.

Mwah. My little T girl.

Mwah. I've missed you.

My baby, how are you?

How've you been?

I want you to meet a very cool and sophisticated guy, Terry.

Uh...

Sorry... My name's Tulis... Terry...

Uh...

Sorry, I can't even hear you. Let me get a little closer.

What you been up to this evening?

Tzatziki sauce... Sorry...

Sorry, I've gotta just...

Sorry.

Sorry, I've got to go.

Is that the, um, competition winner?

Let's go and have a drink, yeah?

I read the script again and I love it even more than the first time.

Thank you, I've been working really hard on it.

It's fantastic. Now you know me, David,

I've managed some of the top hedge funds in the world, so,

I know how these things work.

I think we need to make a few changes just to make the play even better.

- Okay. - The whole thing needs to be livened up.

- How? - We need some explosions

we need some car chases.

Have you seen Transformers: Age of Extinction?

That's... That's a Michael Bay film.

I'm... I'm writing a play here.

Okay, David, I need to have an explosion in the fucking play.

I know, but this is a life story about a man.

He's a legend and we've got to stay true to the story.

Was everything real in Knight Rider?

Knight Rider was fictional.

- Was it? - Yes!

The other thing is, I think the play needs some songs.

- Songs? - Yes. You know the band Roxette?

Yeah, yeah.

I own the entire back catalogue. I have all the rights.

I want you to try and fit some Roxette songs into the play.

No. It's going to make the play completely ridiculous.

David, if we make the changes

then the more people will see your play and more people will hear your message.

I don't know.

Look at these guys, look.

These are your friends. Look at the super fun they are having, hmm?

This is fantastic. This is the life they want to live.

This is why we must make the changes.

All right, I can't promise anything but I'll try.

That is my little Michael Knight.

Sorry to interrupt.

Bunny, you've got a call from the president of Uganda.

- Says it's a matter of life or death. - This guy is calling me all the time.

He's inviting me to see Les Miserables.

He's a fucking savage.

Joshua, hello.

You will not believe it, I am with the Hasselhoff.

Mr David.

David has a wonderful vision. He's a very talented man, but he has,

he is held back sometimes by this quality of integrity.

This search for integrity.

And this is gone now.

This is gone '83, '84.

This is gone.

Now is the time to make the money, to enjoy your retirement,

to spend time with the pretty girls.

Desert.

And, oh, I... I don 't know how to put a song in this.

And car chases? It's just ridiculous.

I can't do this.

Come on, Dad. You need to think outside the box.

What if we give Lawrence a jet-pack?

- A jet-pack? - Yeah, like in Iron Man.

Are you serious?

All right, two words, sex scenes.

- Sex scene and a jet pack? - Yeah.

Bunny wanted to sex it up, and I kind of understand where he's coming from,

do you know what I mean? Nowadays,

I mean I actually read a survey, and it said that the attention span of a man

is around three seconds, so you have to constantly show him tits,

you know what I mean? And...

I think that's what we need for the play.

I'm sort of on Bunny's side, like, have you ever seen a normal play?

Every play I've sat through, would be improved by a car chase

and that is no disrespect to Shakespeare.

- Wow. - Hello?

It's Bunny.

Hi, David.

I want to discuss the play some more. Can we meet up tonight?

Uh, no, I really want to discuss the changes now.

Hi, Bunny!

Hi Bunny, it's Harriet and Dieter.

Hi, guys. So, you want to come out tonight and party?

- Ah, yes, I think we do. - Yeah, we do.

- Okay, great. I pick you up in an hour. - No, we really need to talk about this.

Things are not gonna...

Oh, he's gone. Okay, we got one hour.

- We need to get ready. - Ooh, yeah.

Come on, Dad, you make the changes and we can go party.

Go. I'll catch up with you later, okay?

All right, David, you big square.

Yeah, square.

Right.

See you guys.

Guys, do you think this mascara makes my eyes look bigger?

- Yeah. - Proper.

- You look fit. - Oh, I was just checking the time

on my new watch.

- Bunny will be here soon. - Baller.

I can't believe we're going to this casino tonight.

Do you know how difficult it is to get into that place?

Prince Harry only gets a plus one.

The money hasn't changed us.

Do you know what I mean? I always wear a satin shirt when I'm going out.

Always. Do you know what I mean?

I've had the same one since Zante '02.

And I've never washed it

so it's still got all of those memories.

All of those very pungent memories inside of the fabric.

My outfit's obviously the best.

I look like a rebel snooker player.

Like Judd Trump.

Bunny is starting to see our potential.

Bit embarrassed actually, Bunny said that he wants to speak to me

about setting up my own music conglomerate.

Kind of investing some seed capital in my ideas.

Be so annoyed if you'd become the next Reggae Reggae Sauce guy.

"Terry's White White Sauce."

Cum.

It's Bunny.

The limo is on its way.

Guys, don't you think that Bunny will be annoyed if my dad isn't with us?

Where's David?

Oh, um, yeah, headache.

What do you mean? Is there a problem with the play?

- No. - Oh, no. No, No.

- No problem with the play. - Everything's fine.

He's actually just finishing off a draft and then he's going to

meet us at the club later.

Okay, as long as there is not a problem with the play?

No.

- Oh, no. - Everything's fine.

'Cause if there was a problem with the play, I'd have to yank out all of my money

and just throw you out in Peckham.

I'm having a little joke here.

Okay, come on, guys, let's go have some super fun, yeah?

- Great. - Get into the Bunny-mobile. Let's go.

Oh, my two favourite smells, leather and pussy.

Okay, guys.

Welcome to Bunny's little hole.

It's members only. Thank you.

Let's go have some fun, Harriet. Red or black?

Uh, red.

All on the red.

Ooh.

That was £75,000.

You just lost me £75,000.

I'm so sorry.

Come on!

I'm fucking with you, yeah?

- Okay? - Thank you. Got me.

My hedge fund is making 75,000 in about,

I would say, eight to nine minutes.

- Bunny. - Relax. Welcome to my world.

Chill out guys.

Rebecca's going to give you some chips.

I want you to get on the table and have some fun.

It's funny time. Okay? Bunny-funny.

- Thanks, Bunny. - Funny guy.

So these ones are probably worth 5 quid or something, yeah?

No.

They're worth £100.

These are worth £1,000.

And these are worth £5,000.

Good luck.

She has just given us maybe £50,000.

Let's make some money.

Come on.

Can I have one of those ones?

Never having experienced that before. Obviously I'm more fruit machine based.

You know what I mean? So to be in a big, big casino like that,

members only as well, the Bunny Hole,

really felt a part of something, you know?

Part of elite.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, David.

It's so great that you're here.

We saved you some foie gras.

Hey!

It's the man of the moment.

It's the top man. It's the guest of honour.

Rebecca has just ordered some champagne, vintage '67?

Uh, it's the 1964. They didn't have the '67.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

I think, maybe '64 is a better year so, uh...

Love it!

I think we're all in for a treat tonight.

- Yeah! - Okay, David. My David.

I want you to cast my girlfriend, Katarina in the play, okay?

Hmm.

Super hot and she's huge on Snapchat.

Very bored with the hostessing, wants to break into the acting, okay?

Hey, shawdy, come!

Look at this.

She was busty.

She had sort of, half sleeping eyes.

She looked hammered.

And I thought, class.

I think she could maybe play the Lawrence guy, his girlfriend.

Right.

Well, I'm sure that you're a terrific actress

but you see, Lawrence really doesn't have a love interest in the play.

He's focused on his mission.

Can we get a voice coach to sort out the accent? Yeah?

I think we're talking about two different productions.

Okay, David.

Can I let you into a little secret?

I've never even seen Lawrence of Arabia.

Don't give a fuck about Lawrence of Arabia.

I don't go to the theatre and I've never read any books.

I think that we can make some serious money from the play because what we do?

Is we're going to tour the shit out of it in China.

Now, the Chinese population are extreme in their tastes,

if they love something, then they really fucking love it, okay?

Now, they haven't got a clue who the, uh, D. H. Lawrence guy is.

To them, he's just a man in a sheet.

I tell you what they do like,

they like Katarina in the hot pants

because that is universal, yeah?

Yes.

Okay, it's, um, time to go.

No, dad, we're still having fun.

Yep, and also Bunny's agreed to back my malaria charity proposal.

He really believes in me.

Bunny is an idiot. Okay? He's wasted all of our times.

Come on, it's time to go home. Let's go!

But Bunny says it's really important that you do a good rewrite.

He doesn't know shit about anything, okay?

I want to do something artistic, Dieter.

I want to do something truthful.

He just wants to make some money.

- Talking about cash... - Well, it's all right for you, isn't it?

With your twinkly eyes and your fucking charisma.

But as soon as the little guy gets a shot of the action

then suddenly, it's artistic integrity.

David, all this time, this whole year, we have waited for someone to see

the value in what we are doing

and that someone has come and his name is Bunny.

Weirdly.

Come on. We could put the play on ourselves, all right?

Guerilla style.

We can put it on anywhere.

Hoff, have you tasted these caviar blinis?

They are to die for.

Never had that before.

It was like a ripped cracker but with like, shit on it.

You know what I mean? But like, nice shit.

Like, 'cause that's what caviar is, isn't it? It's fish shit.

What's wrong with you guys?

I'm out of here, okay?

I'm going.

Who's with me?

Um...

And he was trying to break it up.

And I love Hoff. Obviously, like, I would literally cut my penis off for him

but it was kind of like, you know when you've got a house party and like,

your mum turns up, she's like,

"Come on Terry, we're going home!"

Come on Hoff, we're having a good time. He was a bit of a vibe killer.

In the 1980s and the 1990s,

David, you had about 20 years of solid fun.

Well, this is our time.

This is Max Coleman's moment to have his fun.

Place your bets, please.

Oh, yes, I want to put all of mine on-- - Put 'em all on--

Top that.

I think I might be out of chips.

Me too.

What about you, Terry?

- I'm out, mate. - I've got nothing.

Right, I've just spoken to Bunny

and he wants us to come to a meeting with him tomorrow

and he wants us to bring David.

Oh.

Well, I guess it's all over then?

There goes my range of bespoke Danny Jones protein shakes.

Just as I was developing a taste for Beluga caviar,

it gets snatched away from me.

Well, hold on a minute guys, that's not necessarily it, is it?

I mean, we could still go to the meeting.

What are we going to say when Bunny asks where David is?

We'll just say we're speaking on behalf of David.

Yeah, we've got enough Hasselhoff right here.

Got a little Hoff right here, isn't it?

True.

You've just been sick in your mouth, haven't you?

Swallow it. Don't spit it out.

- Down it like a shot. - That's a nose bleed.

- Go on. - Like a shot! Down your sick like a shot.

Hey, guys!

Hey, what happened to you guys last night, hmm?

Sorry, we had to catch the last tube.

Okay, now where is my David?

He's written a new draft of the sexy Lawrence play?

- Yes. - Yeah.

- Yes, he has. - So, where is he?

Um, he's actually authorised us to speak on his behalf today.

I don't feel bad about going to the meeting without David.

Sometimes what's best for him is to,

is to not tell him what's best for him and just to, to do it.

I've got power of attorney.

He doesn't know that.

When the time is right, I'll be the one who turns off the machine.

Okay, so tell me about the new draft.

- Yes. - Yeah.

Okay, here we go.

So, Lawrence of Arabia, yeah?

Is in a casino

in Cairo.

He's down on his luck.

He's bet on red, but it's come out black.

Yeah, then in walks your bird, etcetera.

- Katarina. - Katarina.

Boom! A bomb goes off.

- Lawrence is thrown against the wall. - Yeah.

He slides down the wall.

Yeah, Katarina's head knocks against the wall, she's knocked out.

But then they wake up, they crawl to each other's arms, it's lovely.

They make love in the rubble?

- Yes. - Yes.

Okay, serious question, why can't she be killed

and then he avenges her death and becomes a bad angel?

Uh, do you like that?

I love that.

That's what happens.

- Yeah. - Well done, Bunny.

So, what do you think?

I think it's shit.

But I think it's going to make a ton of money in China

and I'm going to finance the whole project.

We're going to have a lot of fun, but I have one more proviso.

Great, what is it?

I want the Hasselhoff, in the play,

to bomb an entire village of the brown people.

Anyone in a sheet... Boom.

Preferably with napalm.

Yeah, no, I don't think David's going to agree to that.

Okay.

I can see that you guys are essentially the brains behind this operation, yeah?

So, let me explain...

If the Hasselhoff cannot agree to the changes,

then we have arranged for my dear friend

Jean-Claude Van Damme, to play his lead.

- What? - We've already spoken.

He's agreed terms.

It's going to be macho.

It's going to be a bit wacky but it's going to be super fun.

The real Van Damme?

The real Van Damme.

Do you mind if we just discuss this for a moment?

Mmm-hmm.

It's exciting, yeah? You, me and the muscles from Brussels.

Yeah?

Okay, okay, okay.

I've done worse projects than this.

Van Damme is a remarkably subtle actor.

He's in my top three, do you know what I mean?

I've got Liam Neeson, Ian Beale and Van Damme.

It's a good list.

I can't believe we're thinking about doing this.

What are you talking about?

The guy has clearly lost his shit.

I mean, like, what are we becoming?

Rich?

Meeting Van Damme is my dream.

Listen to me!

You know, apart from the first 25 years of my life,

David Hasselhoff has always been there for me.

Yeah. I mean, he's been there for all of us.

We've been blinded by posh champagne.

Oh, bollocks.

We're not going to do it, are we?

Uh...

We've come to a decision,

we come as a package

with David Hasselhoff.

You know what I say?

I say, fuck David Hasselhoff.

The meeting is over.

Oi, fuck face.

- Yep. - Yes, you.

Give me my watch back.

Call Van Damme.

Call Jean-Claude.

Just to confirm, you'd like to call Johnny...

No, call Jean, call Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Calling Jo Cockenden.

Fuck!

David, where are you going?

- Home. - Wait, Dad, look.

I just want to say, I'm really sorry.

There's no need to apologise. I'm just going back to the US of A.

And then I realised he was going and...

It didn't feel good.

This is actually the end.

I mean, what am I going to do?

I've got no other clients.

You know?

I've got a meeting with a dog next week who's supposed to be a good actor.

Apparently.

But, I mean, that's it.

Come on, David. Don't do that.

Obviously, you've all got your little individual things going on here

so I'm out of here, all right?

Halt!

Who goes there?

I am T. E. Lawrence

and I've come to speak to General Allenby.

I've never heard of you.

Soon everyone in the British Empire will know his name.

We worked out that there was only one way

to stop him from going and that was to act out his shitty play.

All three hours of it.

Success!

The city of Damascus has fallen.

When you're acting it,

I started to think, do you know what, I've been sort of, anti this play.

It's very good. It's very moving.

The desert will never leave you.

It is inside of you.

You have come from far away and you have given us hope.

This is your home now.

Fucking, know what I mean? I got goose bumps.

It was just so much emotion.

We didn't want him to leave. He belongs here.

We will always treasure you in our hearts.

And I...

You.

It's terrible!

It's complete shit!

You guys were great

and thank you, but my play?

My playwriting?

Absolutely sucks!

You know, Max, you were right.

Doing a commercial for Netto is not so bad.

And doing a panto in Belgium, it's not so bad.

As long as we're in it together, it's okay by me.

What do you say, I stay in your country and, uh,

we all go get a non-alcoholic beer?

Hoff's moving on from the playwriting phase of his life.

They say that everyone's got one play in them.

It's just unfortunate for David that his was shit.

I think Hoff should definitely not stick to playwriting, you know.

He should stick with what he knows and that's just basically cars and tits.

We're going to fucking Romania.

Well organised, mate.

It's just the way independent films work.

It's been 14 days without food or water and my men are hungry...

Mr Hasselhoff is setting fire to my art and then he is urinating on the ashes.

We don't seem to be able to get the crows to stay on the dead body.

Superglue.

The director is a freaking lunatic.

I am going home. Bye!

It is a haunted, ancient forest.

Home to a lost tribe of savages called the Yesti.

The raft just took off.

And if this gets wet, I'm going to sink like a dwarf.

No, that is blood.

Are you out there?

Anyone there?

Shit!