Original subtitles

- David Hassel-- - David Hasselhoff--

According to the Guinness Book of World Records,

over 1.1 billion viewers watched David Hasselhoff

at the height of his fame. But where did the viewers go?

...comeback tour was pulled by US promoters.

Is the career of the famous lifeguard all washed up?

David Hasselhoff has now filed for bankruptcy.

According to his UK manager, he is leaving the United States

to pursue opportunities in England.

The British re-launch of David Hasselhoff has ended in disgrace

after he was caught performing for a notorious warlord.

After being implicated in a child abduction,

is David Hasselhoff now unemployable?

David Hasselhoff may have died.

- It said I'm... I'm dead. - Great, isn't it?

First 24 hours are crucial.

We need to get on the phone, re-release their autobiography,

re-release their back-catalogue

and try and get Baywatch Nights back on the air.

That's highly immoral.

I'm number one?

- Yeah. - I should've died earlier.

I think he's still out there. I can sense it.

You're alive!

We need to up the security here. This could be tapped.

It's the neighbour!

"Hoff not dead. Hoff plays cricket in Watford."

Is David Hasselhoff the most hated man in America?

So SpongeBob and Patrick want to get to Bikini Bottom.

- Right. - So I put 'em between my chest...

And they whoosh down...

And they fly all the way to Bikini Bottom,

- and they hit the bottom. - Yeah?

And, uh, the way they celebrate is, they get drunk,

but they don't get drunk on alcohol.

- Yeah. - They get drunk by eating ice cream.

And they overdose... ...on ice-cream,

and they had too much, and it's really funny.

And more important, the kids love it, you know?

I bet they do. It's just a funny image.

The idea of a sponge eating ice-cream. Um...

I'm going to find it difficult to get that image out of my head.

So, I got to talk to you,

because there's something I want you to do.

I need you to go to rehab.

Rehab?

Why would I go to rehab? I haven't touched anything in years.

Dad, you promised me that you would not...

I haven't touched anything in years. I mean it.

No. Hear me out. This is celebrity rehab.

There's this website based in Singapore.

They're paying big money for celebrity rehab diaries.

- Oh, my God. - What does that mean?

Right. Celebrities go into rehab.

They record videos of themselves going ape-shit.

Put it on the Internet. Tweenies love it.

That's your weakest demographic. The Olsen twins are doing it.

A few Chinese pop-stars. We could be ahead of the curve here.

They're actually paying money for this shit?

Yeah. Shit loads.

And it really ups your profile.

Let's face it, you're not exactly Mr Popular

after that whole pretending-to-be-dead thing.

My bad. Sorry about that one, by the way.

This could be good for you.

This is what my career has come to?

Stop the car.

I've changed my mind.

- I'm not going in. - Hey.

It'll look a lot better on the inside.

Max, do you really think this is a good idea?

It just seemed like a very strange and long way to go about making money.

You know, I... I keep telling them, this is a terrible idea.

One of these days, they're going to listen to me.

Listen. Ant and Dec went in there...

Changed their careers.

Right now, in that building,

are TV producers, channel controllers, CEOs.

It's just like a big TV festival.

It's an opportunity.

Just think of the nurses like waitresses.

David's gone into rehab for pretty much everything.

Obviously, drink and drugs.

Yogurt, for a while.

He got addicted to yogurt, you know.

You would think that would be harmless, but when you're eating 40 yogurts a day,

then it starts to be a problem.

Come on, man. How are you going to get the cameras in there?

Terry?

- Probably anally. - Anally?

Oh, that's disgusting.

- I'm very loyal. - Look, you're already trending.

What is wrong with you? You already released this.

Of course I did. It's working.

- Oh, my God. - People who used to hate you.

Now, they feel sorry for you.

They are going to make you well again.

I'm not sick!

You are going to have to pretend to be sick though.

OK, I'll pretend, but I'm not sick.

OK, that was the only way I could get you in, all right?

- You're an actor. - Yeah!

Play it up a bit. Enjoy the role.

So, why do you think you've been checked in?

I'm suffering from... exhaustion.

- Exhaustion? - I'm really tired all the time.

I'm tired right now.

I mean, I wake up in the morning and I'm tired,

and of course, when I go to bed, I'm tired anyway.

I'm tired during sleeping.

- What's making you tired? - People ask me for my autograph.

"David Hasselhoff."

That is a long name,

and believe me, you sign that

all day long, makes you tired.

I'm going to give you some pills.

What will David do in rehab to pass the time?

Um, I mean, look, you could literally just wank the day away in there.

Do you know what I mean? I was there for five minutes, I knocked one out.

The devil makes work for idle hands.

You know, that is a direct quote from the Bible which refers to wanking.

This must be the celebrity wing.

No one is a celebrity in here, Mr Hasselhoff.

Oh, can you tell me which way the swimming pool is?

- We don't have a swimming pool. - Oh, a sauna?

No. We don't have a sauna.

Is there any place I can go to be alone?

Yes, we do have solitary confinement.

Ah.

Welcome... To the house of fun.

Does the rehab facility double up as something else?

A psychiatric ward?

Yes. Is there a problem with that?

No. I don't think so.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

That ends well.

Doesn't it? Haven't seen it in a while. Does it end well?

Well, anyways, Steve Guttenberg wants to be at the top of the billboard poster.

I mean, it's called, Piranhaconda. I mean, how ridiculous is that?

You know, piranha and they mate anaconda. Piranhaconda.

Anyway, I should have been up there,

so we got into a fight and he punched me, and I punched him back,

and Shannen Doherty pulls us apart--

I'm sorry. Sorry to stop you.

You've been going on for a very long time now.

She said to share things about my life. That's my life.

This isn't really your life.

- No, it really is. - No, it really isn't.

Steve Guttenberg this, and Shannen Doherty that.

- This is just stories. - No. It really is my life.

If you want me to get Shannen on the phone,

I can get her on the phone, you know.

I'm sure you can. Are we supposed to be impressed by that?

Well, she is a pretty hot chick--

- This isn't for real. - It is for--

Show business isn't real, David.

It's an illusion. It's a distraction.

It's a mirage in the desert. It's a puff of smoke, you know?

You cannot solve a problem at the level at which it exists.

What--

And, that's lunch.

Why am I in the psychiatric hospital?

Um, I'm in the... It's not a psychiatric hospital.

I will make that clear. It's a rehabilitation facility,

and there's a very delicate difference there,

because a psychiatric facility is for the peculiar folk, you see?

Whereas, a rehabilitation centre is for people like me, who have...

Experienced life on a different plane.

I'm not peculiar.

You must... You must understand that.

I'm not one of those.

I'm sure you understand. I'm not.

- Hey! - Hey!

And there he is, the comeback kid.

Thanks for coming, man.

You got to get me out of here. All right.

Hi, Dad, I brought you some grapes.

Aw, I love grapes, and the sign, "Get well." I'm feeling better already.

- Oh, my God. Hey, Terry. - Hoff-meister!

How are you doing, Harriet? Hi.

The people here are really nice, you know.

The nurse over there, she's really sweet.

She looks at me with cold, hard, dead eyes like a zombie.

And, um...

There's a guy here that's just so nice and, uh...

He thinks that all show business is fake.

Can you imagine that? Thinking show business is fake?

Get me out of here.

OK, you need to stay for a bit 'cause you do have some work to do.

- Yeah. - Harriet, give him the schedule.

Yeah, you've got a total of six videos.

Six videos. That's, like, about one a day, and then you're out.

Where are the cameras?

Don't worry about that. Got it covered. It's all up here.

What's that mean, "All up here"?

Basically, I've got a camera in my hat.

Are you ready for your close-up, Mr Hoff?

Well, this is the hat-cam that I've made.

Yeah? So, it's like, basically a normal hat,

but, I don't know if you can zoom in...

It's got a little camera there. A little japs eye.

I'm filming you now. I'm filming you filming me.

Do you know what I mean?

Get all the angles, do you know what I mean?

If you want a tracking shot, I could like, walk really slowly.

I could do zoom-ins.

Do you know what I mean? Like that.

Pretty handy. Going to get some good stuff from the Hoff with this.

- Action. - Hi, my name is David Hasselhoff.

Here I am in rehab, and, uh, as you can see, I'm a little nervous.

Cut, cut, cut. I'm just going to jump on there, yeah?

- OK. All right. - You turn around. It'll just look better.

Yeah, this is good. This is perfect.

- Good? - Good. Action.

Hi. My name is David Hasselhoff.

Sadly, I ended up in rehab.

- First person I met was a nurse. - Cut.

I don't know. You really need to... No offence,

we need to bump it up a little bit. Bump up the levels, yeah?

So, like, basically, I want you to be, like, ecstatic,

but also downbeat at the same time. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

Ecstatic and downbeat?

- Yeah. - At the same time?

- Exactly. - What does that mean?

Exactly. Action. How do you feel, Hoff?

I... I feel anxious.

I feel nervous and I feel like I'm running away from myself,

but I want to be me. I mean, I got to be me, and--

- OK. Cut, cut, cut. - What? What?

I need you to act more mental,

- like those mentaloids in there. - Right.

So maybe, like... I don't know, maybe you start dribbling?

It's not Apocalypse Now, Terry!

It's a frigging online video. I don't...

Why are you taking this so seriously?

Just one last time, all right? Ready? - OK.

Hi. My name is David Hasselhoff.

I have demons in my head.

People are talking to me and...

I need help.

Please.

I need help.

Cut.

Just ridiculous. Really over-the-top.

I'll probably go for the first take.

All right.

Oh, good morning.

I'm sure you remember me from yesterday.

I know who you are, Mr Hasselhoff.

Well, I just wanted to let you know I'm going to be checking out today.

- I see. - Good.

I'm afraid it's not going to be as easy as that.

- Why? - According to your paperwork,

you were checked in by a Mr Max Coleman.

He's paid your bill,

so we'll need Max Coleman's signature to facilitate your release--

No, no, no. Max Coleman is... Is my manager.

I pay his bills.

I'm not going back in there! Those people are nuts, OK?

I'm the sanest person I know! I'm sane!

Come on, look at me! Look at me, I'm David Hasselhoff!

I'm sane! I'm David Hasselhoff!

- Security to reception, please. - What... What?

What?

"I'm not fucking mental..." You know, like he was actually mental.

Like, you know, if you keep on screaming, "I'm not mental,"

it basically means you're mental.

I used to be like you once.

Thinking about jumping the wall.

I am jumping the wall.

Where's the sun in the sky? It's midafternoon.

Who is on the other side of that wall midafternoon?

Alan Williams.

- Who is Alan Williams? - Alan Williams is the head of security.

Does the day shift.

Ooh, that is Alan's Alsatian, Gus.

And Gus would like nothing more

than a mouthful of the Hoff-balls.

- How do you know all this? - Good question.

I've been over many walls. Real walls, metaphorical walls...

Well, I brought down the Berlin Wall.

Question.

Was it ever really there in the first place?

Of course it was there.

- I sang on top of it. - That's what you say.

Why are you in here, then?

Is it because your manager has put you in here?

- How do you know that? - Let me guess.

He's making you film pathetic little videos so he can sell them,

and you feel trapped.

Well, David, you can jump that wall today,

tomorrow, in a week, in a month, in a lifetime,

but you will always be trapped...

In here.

I still want to get out of here.

Oh, yes. Right.

Come on.

He knew what I was going to say.

He was reading my mind.

He knew how I was feeling.

I was feeling really insecure about being David Hasselhoff.

I was trying to figure out who David Hasselhoff is, right?

You build up a lot of astral gas.

So the leg is raised to the skies

and the astral exhaust comes from within the spirit,

and out through the tibula, through the fibula,

and through the foot into the Far East.

When you emerge from the absolute world to the planetary world,

your heart is open.

See it. Believe it.

Have you heard of astral projection?

It's an out-of-body experience

where the astral body leaves the physical body

and travels to the astral plane.

Up. Up. Up.

Hundred and eighty.

This is a crystal.

This crystal will help prepare you for the journey

when you've landed softly on the astral plane.

It's not really about, "Who is David Hasselhoff?"

It's about, who is he going to become?

OK, Terry,

we need to just get the footage and then get out.

- Oh, like guerrilla-style, yeah? - Shh.

Like guerrilla-style, yeah? - Yes.

Don't worry. I think the problem was, last time,

I couldn't communicate my vision to, like,

you know what I mean, my cinema-nography and that to Hoff,

and my hat was out of focus as well, so, what I've done,

I've actually bought a new camera.

Check this baby out.

Put that away.

It's actually recommended by the UK dogging channel.

It's got night vision. It's HD, so you'll see all the details,

even the little pimples and that, and it's easy-clean.

OK. Terry, just get on with it.

OK, cool.

I'll distract the staff.

Everybody, this way!

Ah! What a beautiful day.

You could almost, oh, I don't know...

...smell it, breathe it, taste it.

Seems a shame to be watching it through a lens.

Where are you rushing to, my friend?

Actually, on a bit of a mission at the moment, can't stop.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're all on a mission.

Or at least we think we are.

What's your name, my friend?

The name's Terry Patel,

AKA David Hasselhoff's head of security.

Well, Terry, I'm David's friend, and he needs his friends right now.

Yeah, well, I'm David's friend as well. His best friend, so...

Are you sure about that? Hmm?

I say...

What's this?

- Samsung. - HD4-76i.

Impressive.

Yeah, be careful. That is very expensive.

Oh! Oh! Oh, dear!

- Are you on fucking crack? - Shh.

Take it easy, big bear.

We're being watched.

Now, I know you're feeling angry.

I know you're feeling confused, but in six months' time,

you're going to thank me for this moment!

This moment of liberación.

Go and have a little think about that.

Fucking shit-muncher.

Well, I broke the camera because it was breaking David.

The Aztecs made it very clear.

Cameras steal souls.

And he was there with the camera in his face, in his chest,

stealing every last scintilla of what David had,

which was very little in the first place.

Have you seen Terry,

because you're supposed to be making the videos?

No, I'm not doing the videos any more.

I met someone in here.

He's helping me see life in a totally different way.

Do you know the Aztecs have a saying, that the cameras actually steal your soul?

David, the Aztecs lived in the 13th century.

I know. I know. Isn't that amazing?

He gave me this crystal.

Oh. OK, David, is this person an in-patient?

Oh, yeah, he's an in-patient, but he's not crazy.

That puts me in mind of a story.

I was in a supermarket. Man came up,

he asked, "Do you know where the vegetable aisle is?"

I said, "You are standing in the vegetable aisle."

See?

Look, I'm sorry to be rude,

but I don't really see what's so impressive about that story.

We are looking to be where we already are.

Exactly.

Excuse me, are you on some sort of medication?

What's medication, really?

Newspapers? Television?

It's a drug, or some other form of medicine

that's used to treat or prevent disease.

That's what they want you to believe. You're being brainwashed.

You're being fed lies every single day.

I don't think I am.

- You are. - I'm a woman of logic and science.

They're just different forms of untruth.

I won the Martin Collins Physics Prize when I was 15.

What have you ever won?

Visiting time is over!

Thanks for coming, Harriet.

- She'll come around. - She will.

I never knew she won that award.

David seems to be adjusting,

and he seems to have made a new friend in Kurt.

You mean Colin.

Kurt was his stage name. He used to be an actor.

- Actor? - Well...

He was an extra on Casualty a couple of times, apparently.

Never got his break. Lost the plot.

They had to talk him down from jumping off the roof of a theatre.

What?

He's on suicide watch here.

No, I've been there.

I've been at the point where I don't even want to go outside, you know.

It's like I look out of the window and I get paranoid, you know.

I mean, one time I stayed in...

Excuse me, I have some friends here.

Do you mind if I have a little privacy? - OK.

- Hey! - Hey!

- Hi. - My favourite guy.

Thanks for coming. It's so nice, thank you.

- I got some great news. - I love great news! What is it?

I've just signed you out. There's a car waiting outside.

You don't need to deal with these dickheads any more.

I got some great news too.

I've decided to stay.

Um...

Er, the thing is, it costs a lot of money to be here.

- Like, a lot of money. And-- - Max.

If you're not going to make the videos, then...

I'm learning about myself,

and Kurt is going to help me reach my full potential.

Well, could you reach your full potential back home?

Being here wasn't about making a mental breakthrough.

That's not what rehab's about.

It was about making a financial breakthrough.

Yeah, I know the videos were about making money,

but the videos were false, right?

I mean, come on.

Acting is false.

A talking car?

- I mean, come on. - David, please come home.

OK. Let me explain it to you.

You know my song, "Looking for Freedom"?

♪ I've been looking for freedom ♪

I've found freedom.

I've found freedom here.

You can too.

I mean, look at you, Harriet. Come on.

There is a huge sadness in your eyes.

- There really isn't. - To be fair, there kind of is.

And you, you're so wound up... Bam!

You're going to snap any moment. Any moment.

Think about your career, David. That's far more important than freedom.

You need to get back to being David Hasselhoff.

Who is David Hasselhoff?

Who is he, really?

He's the guy that brought down the Berlin Wall.

No. I am the guy who is bringing down the wall

between me and myself, and that wall is thick,

and that wall is complicated,

and "David Hasselhoff" has been hiding behind that wall his whole life.

Is there any money in that wall? - Money?

Money isn't real.

This is real.

He's gone native.

Maybe we should leave him here 'cause he has actually gone mental.

He's never been happy where he lives. He always wants to move.

I think he's found where he belongs.

A really expensive psychiatric facility.

I don't think that my dad is crazy,

but I do think that he does weird shit all the time.

Uh, Max, I'm going to suggest something now,

and I don't want you to shout at me.

I can't commit to that.

David does tend to listen to Danny.

What? No!

Danny has a rapport with him that the rest of us just don't have.

He gets through to him on a different level.

Not going to happen.

Max.

- Hey, Danny. - What's the emergency?

You know David Hasselhoff?

I'm aware of him, yes.

You know how he went into rehab? - I know how you put him in rehab.

And now he's fallen under the spell of a guru.

I'm his guru.

Look, we all know that David has his addictions,

and that you have to be careful with him.

I've got him on a very strict regime of supplements.

I give him L-Lysine for his muscles, I give him A-arginine for his brain,

and I give him MDMA for his spirit.

Now I want him to leave rehab, but he won't leave rehab.

Say you need me.

You need me.

Say you need me, or I won't help you.

You need me or I won't help you.

See you later, Max.

I need you, I need you, I need you!

He's given him a quartz crystal.

What? Why didn't you say that first?

- He's talking about astral projection. - Holy shit, we've got to go. Now, now!

Go, go, go, go!

What does "astral projection" mean?

It means he's going to jump.

The troika of astralation begins.

We take our crystal, David, to the dignity place.

We bring it down.

David! Stay there! Stay exactly where you are.

What have you done to him?

Danny, I don't need you any more.

We're going to fly.

Listen, when we got on the roof, I was scared.

David was a goner. He gave me a double thumbs-up.

I mean, that's a Paul McCartney move.

You know he's shot to shit.

We're leaving this reality,

and going on to a new realm.

And Hoff just didn't look like the Hoff that we know,

like, you know what I mean?

He had a glaze over his eyes,

and he was like, "We're gonna fly now." Like, you know, I mean,

that's what my boys are like when we're, fucking... When they're on it.

OK, David? You need to listen to me.

I know this all feels real to you,

but I've tried that astral projection shit and it don't work.

You do this, you're just going to fall to your death.

No, Kurt says we're not going to die. - We're not going to die.

No, we're not going to die.

Well, when you are in an astral place,

when you step off the roof, you think we go down.

That's because you're you, and you're not part of the clever people.

You go up.

Dad! You can't fly, OK?

I tried flying with the pigeons once, and it's a bad idea.

I am scared. I am frightened.

I want to talk to him calmly,

to tell him, "Dad, I love you. Get down off the roof, you crazy bitch."

I've found a new way of living.

- You can too. - Come join us.

No! Don't jump!

David, please don't jump. Think about your fans.

Stop! This conversation is over.

We are prepared, and we are to fly.

OK. Wait!

You're an actor, aren't you, Kurt?

No, I'm not.

I've seen your show reel, Kurt.

- You've seen my show reel? - I did.

And I thought it was really good.

I loved your... Your nuance. I... I loved the range of characters.

I think you've got great earning potential.

How do I know you're not just...

...saying this? Come on, David.

Could I fake those tears that I cried

watching your monologue from Equus?

Could I take back those belly-laughs

from watching your Samuel in Pirates of Penzance?

You saw my Samuel?

It was brilliant!

- It was a fuzzy recording... - It doesn't matter.

...but you shone through.

You're like a young Patrick Stewart.

I want to represent you.

Oh, David...

Kurt, I want to take you for a steak dinner.

We're going for steak dinner!

I want to get you into the West End. - The West End!

- We can change the world of theatre. - We'll change the world of theatre.

Kurt!

- Where are you going? - David,

I've been looking for an agent for 15 years.

He likes my show reel.

We...

We're going to fly.

David, the flying can wait.

I've not worked since Peak Practice. Sorry.

I know actors. Danny doesn't.

If you were to give an actor the choice between eternal happiness

and a bit-part in a commercial for Comet,

they would choose the commercial.

I've heard that Game of Thrones is casting,

and I've got absolutely no problem moving to Ireland.

Then I thought maybe...

Maybe, I could play Stanley Kowalski in A Streetcar Named Desire.

Fuck off!

Fuck off?

Hang on, what do you mean, "Fuck off"?

Was I going to jump?

- It's good to have you back. - Yeah.

Aw, listen, mate. I got it all on camera.

We finally got the video.

- Are... Are you still rolling? - I'm rolling right now, yeah.

It's David Hasselhoff, signing off.

I'm never going back to rehab again.

Well, having been exposed to the talent that is the Hoff,

it's rekindled in me that performing desire,

and so, I have in fact become founder

and president of the Facility Players,

the FPs, and we're going to put on a little production here in the servery,

of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe,

and fittingly, I'm playing Aslan.

A lion who has courage to rekindle his own spirit.

You cheated on me? You cheated on me?

Max and I have decided to part company.

What about Chicken Cottage Sundays?

There'll be no more Chicken Cottage Sundays.

You are a national treasure.

There's just nothing he can't do.

I mean, he wants to do Macbeth, he can do Macbeth.

Romans, countrymen and lovers.

I got goosebumps then, when you did that.

I'm Max Coleman and I'd like to represent you.

It's just quite funny to be around someone's shit all the time.

What are you gazing at? It's on the tee!

- Yeah, I'm on TV. - Oh...

- Like you used to be. - Oh, right.

- And here's your costume. - I haven't worn shorts on television

in 20 years.

He's a celebrity. Get him out up here! -