Original subtitles

- David Hassel... - David Hasselhoff...

According to the Guinness Book of World Records

over 1.1 billion viewers watched David Hasselhoff

at the height of his fame. But where did the viewers go?

...comeback tour was pulled by US promoters.

Is the career of the famous lifeguard all washed up?

David Hasselhoff has now filed for bankruptcy.

According to his UK manager, he's leaving the United States

to pursue opportunities in England.

The British relaunch of David Hasselhoff has ended in disgrace

after he was caught performing for a notorious warlord.

After being implicated in a child abduction,

is David Hasselhoff now unemployable?

We're at rock bottom.

I've seen the accounts.

David has earned £4.27 in repeat fees

for Baywatch in the last three months.

Drastic times call for drastic measures.

Sometimes the best way to revitalise a celebrity's career

is to kill them.

And more now on that breaking news story.

Reports are reaching us that actor, David Hasselhoff,

star of such hits as Baywatch and Knight Rider,

may have died in what is being described as a tragic water sports accident.

The star reportedly went missing last night whilst canoeing in a reservoir...

Are you guys watching this?

Hoff, mate, you're dead.

Twitter's saying it was a canoeing accident.

Yes. Yes, I know.

Well, we'll be releasing a statement shortly.

- Hey, Max, it said I'm dead. - Great, isn't it?

No, it's not great. Just call the press and tell them I'm fine.

No, no, no, no, no. You are getting a lot of positive coverage right now.

I've just checked the sales of your autobiography on Amazon.

- You're in the top one hundred. - Really?

Yeah, you've jumped, like, six hundred thousand places.

Let's not do anything too rash here.

Let's just enjoy this for a bit, let it percolate.

Okay, we need to keep him away from cameras for a few days.

I know a place we can hide him. I'm actually pretty well connected.

When the time is right, we'll announce that we've found him.

- That's highly immoral. - Oh, come on!

Think about how big Elvis got after he died.

Tupac. Jesus.

- Who's that? - Press.

Hello, Max Coleman.

Oh, yeah, yeah, sad news.

No, haven't found the body. All right, bye.

You do realise that you have just killed David Hasselhoff?

David Hasselhoff was a great man, a great friend to me

and to the American people.

He was a man of real honour and integrity.

If he is dead, then it's truly a sad day.

Next, my trans-gender husband cheated on me with a man.

It only takes one person to say something

and there we go, do you know what I mean, Chinese whispers.

You know like, that happens.

Like, there was a big rumour going around Sutton, you know what I mean,

that I had a micro-dick

and you know, obviously that's not true.

But you know, my mate, Dave, told, you know, Sharon.

And then Sharon told Sarah and then, you know what I mean?

It got around that I had a micro-dick.

People would go around, and I'd go round and they'd go, "There's micro-Terry".

Ron, it's me. I'm doing the secret knock.

Terry said he had a safe house.

What he had was a semi-detached in Watford with his Uncle Ron.

How you doing?

You rascal.

Uncle Ron, we have our special guest.

It's me.

- You're alive? - Yes.

Come in. Come in.

Mr David Hasselhoff.

Hollywood star.

Here. In my house. In Watford.

You will like this. Please, come.

This is the "through-lounge".

Freeview box here. HD ready.

You need Internet? Over there.

Broadband speed. Very fast.

- This fire... - What?

- What kind of place is this? - What? It's fine. Uncle Ron's a legend.

He's hidden so many people, yeah. Trust me. And look, think about it.

Where's the last place you expect to see David Hasselhoff?

Oscar-winning movie.

A two-bedroom semi-detached house in Watford.

This is the first house in Watford with double glazing.

- Hmm. - Thirty-five years.

Listen, can you hear that?

- What? - Exactly.

Now, watch this.

Legend.

You can't hear me. Double glazing.

You can't hear the cars.

First class.

He's totally nuts.

The search continues for David Hasselhoff.

Police are intensifying the search...

David Hasselhoff, the star of TV hits

Baywatch and Knight Rider is still missing.

In situations like this, the first 24 hours are crucial.

You need to get on the phone,

re-release their autobiography, re-release their back-catalogue

and try and get Baywatch Nights back on the air.

Okay, speak to you tomorrow.

This is great.

German television has just shut down. They're just showing a black screen.

In the Bundesliga, all the players

are going to be wearing black arm-bands this weekend

it's a national day of mourning.

His record company are about to re-release every single one of his albums.

Do you know how many albums he's made? - No.

- Forty-one. - What?

He released two last month without telling anyone.

Oh, erm, his ex-wife is flying over.

I want you to look after her. Keep her out of the way for a bit.

- Look after her? - Yeah. Do some girly stuff together.

I don't really do girly stuff.

Now's the time to learn.

Go for a make-over. Play some netball.

Have a smear test. Enjoy yourself.

- Max... - Max Coleman.

No one seems to remember that I'm grossly over-qualified for this job.

I'm a bio-chemist working on my doctorate.

Er, but I think they like me as an assistant

because I can keep my mouth shut.

You know, the things I've seen

and heard and smelt.

You know, you have to be able to keep that on the down-low.

Uncle Ron, listen to me, okay? We need to up the security here.

This could be tapped. I heard it click.

- What? - Unplug it. Unplug it. Unplug it.

It's this smart TV, Uncle? Is that TV smart?

- Yes. - Unplug it. Put it in the shed.

- Smash it to pieces. - What?

Lasers. We need to have lasers running through here.

If anyone activates the laser, it sends a message to my phone,

- I come down... - Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Terry, wait!

Who's going to pay for all this?

I can't afford this laser alarm thing and this and that.

Well, I'm head of security, what... What have you got then?

I've got some old Christmas wrapping upstairs.

We can black out the window with that.

What about lasers?

Good afternoon.

Exciting day.

We have a very special guest.

Yeah, we always have special guests. There's nothing special about this guest.

We're just putting up the Christmas decorations.

I know it's March but we're just so excited, aren't we?

See ya.

- Uncle... - I'm sorry...

No one can know who's hiding in here. Hit me.

Nice.

We actually have a colour code of threat levels to Hoff.

We start off at beige, which is relaxed, it's all right.

And then, a slightly darker shade of beige,

which is, "Be alert".

And then literally brown. Like shit-colour brown.

Erm, it means, be on high alert.

He doesn't see there's a real threat here, do you know what I mean?

And I need to make sure security levels are kept at beige.

I've never told anyone that David Hasselhoff is in my house.

Well, I may have mentioned it to

a couple of friends at the chess club, you know.

But I told them, don't say a word to anybody.

Last night stars paid tribute to the man they call, "The Hoff'.

I can't imagine a world without The Hoff. He changed the world.

He was a true friend and he was full of energy.

He always made me laugh.

I just heard the news that David Hasselhoff may be dead

and, you know...

We're now going over live to Crystal Hasselhoff, David Hasselhoff's ex-wife.

He brought so much to so many people and he loved them in a way

that I don't think many people have been loved.

She's here?

He's an athlete. He's a musician.

He's an actor. He's a politician. He's...

He's a bit like Jesus, you know?

Or Gandhi.

Or Pol Pot... Or one of those men,

you know that could bring people together like a movement

and I think his loss is going to be...

God, she looks good.

And if I'm honest, I think I've loved David

more than I've ever loved anyone in my whole life so thank you.

Did you hear that? She's telling everyone she still loves me.

We are devastated. We'll not be the same again.

Ya, let me check my Filofax. Bye.

Phew...

The Metro magazine wants to do a big spread about the death of my dad.

It's crazy, they are saying, "We want to hear about your tragic story."

They would pay me and where is Harriet?

She's in there. Don't disturb her. Wait! Let's just go back a bit.

Why is this not going through me? What are you doing?

I am texting to say, maybe 2:00 P.M. for the meeting?

- Has anyone else been in touch? - Ya, The New York Times.

Right, what we're going to do, is you are going to give that to me.

I'm just going to pop that in there,

I'm going to go for a shit

and then when I'm back, I want you gone.

You've got 45 minutes.

Dieter is not suited to the public eye.

When is the son of a celebrity

ever been successful?

Apart from Jeff Bridges and, erm, Michael Douglas.

Frank Lampard. Kiefer Sutherland.

George Bush, obviously.

I want a cut, a colour and a blow-dry.

I want a wax. I want a full wax, a Mohican.

And there is an amazing acupuncturist on Harley Street,

can you book me an appointment and pre-pay?

I'm not sure I'm supposed to be...

He's gone. Please, I'm in pieces here. - Excuse me, Harriet.

Dieter, you're not supposed to be here. - Sorry, who is this?

- I am Dieter. Dieter Hasselhoff. - Hasselhoff?

Yep. This is David's long lost son.

His son?

Oh my goodness. You poor, poor boy.

- Uh... - I am so sorry.

Oh.

I almost feel like I birthed him myself.

He is just sweet.

He is...

Have they DNA tested him?

You must be so sad.

Ya, erm, very sad.

Oh, you are such a sweet boy.

- I was just telling Hazel here... - Harriet.

About my ideas for a vigil for David outside his apartment.

Yes, we're going to do something really small and private.

No. Not small.

Not private.

Since David has died, one of the very strange things is

that suddenly I am getting so many phone calls

to do television interviews.

I've been offered a series.

You know, I honestly think that this is David from the other side

guiding my career.

And riding high in the charts this week

is True Survivor by David Hasselhoff.

Whoa.

Hoff run! Fucking natural.

Take a photo. Take the photo.

- Take the photo. - Hoff! Hoff!

That was amazing! Hoff! Hey, Freddie Flint-Hoff!

- You're a true superstar. - What the fuck is going on?

Get him inside.

I feel like a prisoner. Give me a break here.

- What if somebody sees him? - Oh shit, yeah. I forgot about that.

Do you know how much we've got riding on this? Get him inside!

Relax! Relax!

I'm starting to think that maybe it wasn't such a good idea

to employ, as David's head of security,

a guy who was shit at driving taxis.

Sometimes I just get my eye off the ball.

We need to hold our nerve. The plan is actually working.

You're number one in both the music and the book charts.

Nobody's done that since John Grisham released that reggae single.

- I'm number one? - Yeah. In seven different countries.

I should have died earlier, I'm number one.

Oh God, this whole thing is out of hand.

The vigil, did you see the vigil on TV? - Yeah, course I did.

Crystal's working the media. She's like a machine.

You know, that vigil kind of warms my heart.

You think maybe I could just drive by and take a look at it?

No! Under no circumstances do you leave this house.

We've got to stick with the plan. Everyone!

What's the plan?

We wait another 24 hours,

then we get you to the location, rough you up a bit.

You jump out of a ditch,

stumble to the nearest police station and say,

"Oh, actually, I banged my head."

Good plan, huh?

It's now been four days

since David Hasselhoff disappeared in a suspected canoeing accident.

Police are appealing for witnesses

to come forward with any information about David's last movements.

David Hasselhoff's management have issued a statement

saying that no stone will be left unturned in the search for David.

I mean, people say grief affects you in different way, don't they?

Some people rage and smash up a room,

some people cry uncontrollably.

Max was playing darts.

So sad.

David dying? It's a bugger.

What was he doing on water? I never let him go on water.

I think he was just going for an exercise. Banged his head and...

Dead.

You know that people keep asking me questions

- about my training and that. - Dickheads.

I'm not worried though. You know why?

I don't think he is dead.

That is insane.

David is a survivor.

When the apocalypse comes, it will just be David hanging out

with a bunch of cockroaches eating Twinkies.

And he'll probably be happy.

He gets on with anyone.

I think he's still out there.

I can sense it.

What's going on with search and rescue? They still haven't found a body?

I think everyone is just letting nature take its course.

He'll wash up eventually.

So, what are the police doing?

Dunno.

Right, well, we need to start our own search and rescue.

Pack a bag, let's roll.

So Danny's turned up and he wants to start a search and rescue.

I mean, come on mate, get over it.

He's dead, let's move on.

I'm not wearing the right footwear for this.

Right, we're going to have to split up. What was the actual point of the accident?

Do you know what, I'm not sure actually.

Dad!

Dad...

Danny was adamant that my dad was lost in the reservoir

but I was quite confused

because I know that my dad is in

Terry's uncle's house in Watford...

But at the same time, I was getting caught up in the excitement of it,

so I genuinely thought that we might be able to find my dad.

I know he's not there.

I think he might be there.

Dad? Oh, my God, Dad!

I've found him.

No.

It's just a sofa.

Aww.

A brown leather sofa.

Similar texture,

but a sofa.

Where are you, David?

I'm really touched and really over-awed

by how many people have come to pay their, their respect...

- That's Harriet? - What the...

What's she doing there? I gotta call.

What d'ya mean? What d'ya mean, call?

- No, no, no, no. - It's okay. It's okay.

You cannot call me now. I am with her.

- Just put her on. - What the...

I want to hear her voice one more time.

- Tell her I'm a reporter. - A reporter?

Is that a reporter? Here, here, give it to me.

Hello, this is Crystal Hasselhoff.

Hello.

Erm, I'm a reporter and I wanted to ask a question.

And I'm like, "Fuck, are you a mentalist"?

You know, I know he's mental, but,

like, that was mental of him.

He puts on the shitest accent I have ever heard in my life,

like Dick Van Dyke kind of style, "All right geezer, all right?"

And I was like, "What are you doing, mate?"

What would you say to David Hasselhoff if he was here now?

If David were here now, I would,

I guess I would just want to touch him one more time.

Stroke his face. I would hold him. Tell him that I loved him.

I would love to have that chance just one more time.

Oh. Thank you.

What are you doing, Hoff, you mentalist? - I gotta go down there.

- No, no, you can't go. Max said... - I'm going to go down there.

Max told me you can't leave the house, mate.

Terry...

I need to do this.

It's a really beautiful thing to see how many people are here.

I'm so touched and delighted

so many people have come here tonight to my vigil and,

you know, David was loved all over the world.

Keep your head down, all right?

- I am so honoured. - Fucking look at this shit.

Hoff, kinky. He likes a bit of danger.

Yeah, yeah, I'd put money on that he probably does danger wanks.

You know those kind of wanks where, like, you leave the door half open?

And you're timing them when the misses is downstairs

and you're like, "I'll be down in a minute". You want to get caught.

You want to get caught.

And, is it true that you have been

approached to make a series called,

- Widows of Beverly Hills? - "Such a lovely warm man,

"who filled us with joy and laughter we will never forget."

Oh, my God, these people are really taking this thing seriously.

Fuck. Oh, no, no, no, she's there. - Oh.

And it means a lot to me and the family.

Thank you so much, Crystal.

You know, Hazel...

- Harriet! - I would, I'd really like to go inside,

to where David spent his last few days. It would mean so much to me.

Ah, ah, ah, his apartment?

I don't think that's going to be possible. Why don't you get some rest?

- You know, back at your hotel. - Hazel, I want to go in the apartment.

Yep. No, absolutely! Let's go. Let's go.

- Don't touch me. - All right.

- Thank you. - Thank you. Thank you.

Let's go round the back.

- Let's go round the back. - Okay.

I'm sorry, but without more information,

we're going to have to call off the search tonight

and pick things up in the morning. All right?

Thank you, Officer.

Oh, well,

looks like we're going to have to call it a night.

We're not calling it a night. We're not giving up.

When I found out the police weren't sending a search party,

I thought, that is further proof of the endemic racism within the system.

If David was a six-year-old white girl, they'd be all over it

but instead, it's a 64-year-old orange man wandering about somewhere on his own,

no one gives a shit.

Right, come on, Dieter.

If it takes all night, it takes all night.

Right. I'm just going to check back at Hoff's flat again.

Fine.

Stay near me, Dieter. I'm not losing another Hasselhoff today.

- Was this his room? - Yep.

Er, we shouldn't really be here though, Crystal. We should go.

Oh, it's so...

It's so...

God...

Oh, David.

I find it really hard to believe

but we were married for four and a half months.

Now, I know that does not sound much but it was like a lifetime.

You know, sometimes, a lifetime is a lifetime.

The four and a half months that we were together,

was a lifetime.

Hazel, can I just have a minute on my own please?

- Yep. - This is really difficult.

Oh.

I'll be out in a minute.

Ah...

Ah...

Thank you.

David, what are you doing? You can't be here.

- Where is she? - I'm a lot better now.

No, no, no, you can't go in there. David, that would be a very bad idea...

- Crystal... - Whoa. Whoa.

- Don't touch me! - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, no, no, it's me. It's David.

Hello.

Hi.

- David? - Yeah.

God, you look beautiful.

Wow.

- Oh my God. David. - Yeah.

I thought you were dead.

No. No, I'm not dead.

I'm dead on TV but in person, I'm alive.

You fucking lying piece of shit! - Whoa.

What the fuck? What? You always were a fucking liar.

Oh my God, you're not... You... You...

You dragged me all the way to London, England,

which you know I hate. I hate it here!

And you're not even fucking dead?

I thought you'd be happy to see me. You said,

"Just like one more minute with him would be great."

And you believed that media shit? - Yeah, I did.

What, are you suffering from fucking amnesia?

No! No.

Don't you remember what happened in '88? You fucking prick?

It was the fucking '80s, I don't remember anything.

Oh, you don't remember the '80s?

She was mad at me, that I was alive.

I've never had anyone say that to me, "I'm mad at you because you're alive."

Well, you are always a fucking liar, but this? This?

- Oh, she's screaming. - Is a whole other level...

Whoa. What the fuck?

- That's love though, innit? - What do you mean?

Do you know what I mean? It's just passion and, like, violence.

Me and the missus were like that.

She'd come home, first thing, she would literally punch me right in the nose.

Do you know what I mean? I'd be on the floor,

she'd be beating the shit out of me.

I'd look up and I'd go, "Thank you for this love."

It was a beautiful relationship.

Obviously had to put the restraining order out on her

eventually 'cause it got a bit, you know, got a bit dark.

What is going on here? - Yeah.

What? Oh my God! What, you don't remember Knight Rider?

- Yeah. - You don't remember Baywatch?

Yeah, course I remember that.

You remember Baywatch Nights?

- Some of it. - Oh, fuck you!

What do I do with this? Oh, fuck you?

You're mad at me 'cause I'm alive? - I can't believe you have done this.

This, this sums up my whole life with you.

Max, it's Harriet. Big problem. Come to Hoff's flat.

David, in order for me to stay quiet,

you're going to have to pay me an extra 25% on my alimony.

What...

My client, Mr David Hasselhoff, has asked me to speak on his behalf.

- He can't afford that. - Oh, well that is a shame, David.

Because I'm going to have to make more money out of you by going to the press.

- If that's what you want? - I'm sure that won't be necessary.

I reckon we can come to some kind of an arrangement.

Everybody in this room is a civilised person.

Don't get me wrong, she's a complete wrong-un,

but you've got to respect,

you know what I mean, like, there's actually a quote,

it says, "I don't respect a snake

but I respect the art of the snake."

So, what that means is, I don't respect a snake,

but the way that that snake is slithering around, that's respectable.

You've got to respect people's, kind of, snakery.

Oh God, Hasselhoff, is this your life now?

It's just pathetic.

You got a weasel for a manager.

You got an annoying little mouse as an assistant.

You've got Shrek as a driver

and I'm not even going to go into that idiot of a son.

- You leave my son out. - No, David, let me speak.

Oh, the mousy is roaring.

If it's more press you want then, oh, I think I have the perfect solution.

I can get you on the front of every major newspaper.

- I'm listening. - All I have to do

is press send on this email

- because I caught you snorting heroin. - Cocaine.

Cocaine.

Oops.

Very good.

I think I'm going to go now, David.

- Oh, and David. - Um, yes, Crystal.

Fuck you!

- Coke head. - Whoo!

Oh, my God.

All right. Everybody. We've got to go back to the plan.

Right, let's finally finish this.

Terry, drive him to the reservoir, hang out there for a couple of hours,

dirty yourself up a bit.

Make it look like you've been through the wars. Get dizzy.

Act delirious. Walk to a service station. Ask for help.

Okay. Yeah. Okay.

- Oh, no. - What? What?

Hoff not dead.

Hoff plays cricket in Watford, while nation mourns.

Aw, it's the neighbour.

You fucking idiots!

Aw...

Shall I get it? No!

No! I'll get it.

Right.

Good to be alive again.

He's fucked.

You are not going to believe what happened to me.

Well, more now on the remarkable twists and turns

of the David Hasselhoff death hoax story.

After the Hollywood actor was discovered alive and well in his apartment.

The public and media backlash has begun.

Tonight we have a shocking revelation.

Me, you and the whole American nation have been tricked,

violated even, by a cunning fraudster.

His crime? To fake his own death.

His motivation? Money. Pure and simple.

Tonight we ask, is David Hasselhoff the most hated man in America?

I'd still say the plan worked.

You know, he's still top of the charts.

But it's just that now it's

top of the charts for the most hated man in the world so...

A chart's a chart.

He knocked off Robert Mugabe.

I need you to go to rehab. The Olsen twins are doing it.

A few Chinese pop-stars. It really ups your profile.

You're not exactly Mr Popular after that whole pretending-to-be-dead thing.

I've met someone in here.

He's helping me see life in a totally different way.

I'm not peculiar. You must understand that.

I've decided to stay.

Danny has a rapport with him that the rest of us just don't have.

Not going to happen.

He's going to jump! David!

We are prepared. We are to fly.

David was a gonner. He gave me a double thumbs up.

I mean, that's a Paul McCartney move.

You know he's shot to shit.

We're going to fly.

No. Don't jump. Please, don't jump.