Original subtitles

New year, new us.

I've arranged to get the Vermont gang back together.

Are Gary and Meg gonna be there?

Terry, girl, we did it.

You famously fictionalized

your difficult relationship with your mother.

I can barely show my face

at Wine Club Wednesday.

Your mother needs her Wine Club Wednesdays.

That's not a stretch.

Your mother was protecting you from your father.

You are, without a doubt, your father's son.

I would rather die a six-inch death

than see Les win a fucking Nobel.

Hilton is going to sell the tech to the military.

We can't be party to that.

Let's finish what we started.

Limitless stabilization!

It is time you knew the truth about Les Littlejohn.

You have no choice but to eliminate them.

Tell me why. Why Les?

♪ We'll take Manhattan ♪

Slow down. Terry, be clear.

What is she saying? Shh.

Lindy? Quiet. Okay.

Oh, hell. Oh, God.

Oh, I know. Okay.

She said yes. - Yes?

- Yes. - She said yes?

- Yes! - She said yes!

Oh!

Congratulations.

You're getting married. Good luck.

- No, no, no, no, no, no. - Married? No.

- She wrote a novel. - And it's getting published!

- Yes! - Nobody cares.

It's New York. Swing a cat.

I love this city.

- Married. - Oh.

Why would we ever ruin us by getting married?

- I know. - It's ridiculous.

I mean, we live together, we love each other.

What more do we need? I mean, it's silly.

Silly. Right.

Lindy, will you not be my wife?

Les, I will not.

And will I not be your husband?

- You will not, Les. - And will you...

What?

What is this?

Watch this.

Uh-huh. Whoa, some fast fingers there, professor.

And you will now...

Uh-huh.

♪ The great big city's ♪

...not marry me?

Absolutely not. Never, ever.

♪ Just made ♪ ♪ For a girl and boy ♪

What the fuck is happening?

Well, I thought we could maybe make it not official.

♪ Into an isle of joy ♪

Are we not doing this or are we not not doing this?

I don't know.

I mean, we always said we wouldn't do

the icky marriage stuff, but...

- But? - ...but maybe,

maybe two nos make a yes?

We've sworn for years that we were never, ever...

- I know. I know. But maybe, - ...gonna get married. So...

maybe the really defiant,

nonconformist, rebellious thing would be for us to...

- Get fuckin' married. - Yeah.

But... - But, but

like a non-traditional,

non-bridezilla, non-wedding wedding.

Yeah.

♪ We'll stroll ♪ - Yeah.

♪ Where first ♪ ♪ A kiss we stole ♪

Perfect.

I cannot believe that you did all this.

I mean, I... - Alice?

- Right here, ma'am. - Oh, there you are.

- Always, ma'am. - Let's put this someplace...

both:...safe, under lock and key,

nothing can happen to them.

- Check. - Next.

- Flowers. - Flowers.

After the ceremony? - Transfer to the tables.

- Low stem, vases only. - Vases only.

To review, rehearsal dinner rundown.

Drinks and hors d'oeuvres on arrival.

Bride and groom welcome speech.

Appetizers and various toasts.

You have the approved list? - Yes, ma'am.

Okay. Dessert. Done. Everybody fucks off.

I get my sleep. We good? - Good.

- Good. Wait, just good? - Great.

Great. Oh, one more thing. Agh!

Videographer, so very important.

One question only. What is it?

"What is the secret to a happy marriage?"

What do I not want?

Advice, "remember when," well wishes.

Gold fuckin' star.

Okay, ma'am. Excuse me.

Kevin, classic rectangle, not bishop's hat.

Oh, good catch.

Jesus. Alice.

- The font, spelling, placement? - Placement.

My dad cannot sit next to my mom.

We were informed that a Walt was assuming

the father-of-the-bride responsibilities, by...

- Fucking Diane. - ...Diane,

mother of the bride. - Yeah. No, that is incorrect.

We need to start again. Kevin.

Kevin, we need to begin again.

Hold on. What are you doing?

I am preventing a nuclear fallout.

She always does this.

- Who? - Diane.

- Does what? - Pushes my dad out.

- But he's coming, right? - Right.

So, we need to seat Jim, father of the bride

next to Nancy. Nancy, mother of the groom

from a normal, stable, functional family

and not my house of lies, madness, sadness family, okay?

Kevin? Okay, Kevin?

Champagne or cocktails before dinner?

- Cocktails. Thank you, Alice. - What?!

- Champ--no. - Champagne!

Champagne. Champagne. Thank you, Alice.

Diane and cocktails.

No food, no absorption.

We talked about this. - Whoa. Whoa.

- She can... - Let's take a breath.

We're losing sight. We're losing sight.

Thank you for using "we."

- Yeah. - Oh, my God.

- We... - What is happening to me?

...hate--we hate this.

- Right. Right. - All right?

- Oh, my God. - We do not want this

and that's why it's fun, okay?

Everything that goes bad is good...

- Uh-hmm. - ...because it makes

for a better story.

Our not-wedding wedding

for our not-marriage marriage,

it's all nots, okay?

Rebels of the altar. It's just us.

- Right. - It's you and me.

- You and me. - You and me.

- Okay. - Okay?

Yeah. Okay.

But, like, what if I lose control?

Yeah, what if you lose-- That's right.

Because I'm really on the edge.

I think--I think that perhaps we need a safe word.

That'd be good.

- Yeah. - Okay. Like, um...

- Um... - ...uh...

- I know. - What?

Like, like, um, Halloween 1999...

- Yeah. - ...in a sea of Bill Clintons

and Monica Lewinskys... - Uh-huh.

...and Linda Tripps, there were only two...

- Janet Renos. - Yeah.

- Oh. Janet Reno. - Janet Reno. Safe word.

- I love it. - I love you.

- I fucking love you. - Okay.

Okay. Okay. But that flower is not...

- Hey, hey. - ...in the center.

- Hey, come on. - Okay. I'm gonna...

- Cool. Let's go. Come on. - I'm gonna let it go.

Countdown to guest arrival, T-minus 25 minutes. Twenty-five.

I did. I did.

- No. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Hey, hey! - Martin.

- Hey, how are you? - Congratulations.

Ohh. Mwah. Oh!

Oh. Oh, sweet redeemer. Am I the first?

- Always. - You're punctual.

- Oh. - And where's, uh--is it Dana?

- No date, or...? - Uh, Dana and I are exploring

our options in a good way.

- Cool. - Okay.

I need you in the kitchen.

Uh, I'm greeting guests.

I'm supposed to be here.

What?

Okay.

It's nothing. - Okay.

- Nothing. - Is everything okay?

- Yes, good. - Um, so, well?

Oh, Dana felt that she needed...

- No, no, no, about the... - Oh, oh, oh.

You--you know what? Let's not talk tomato.

- Oh, they passed. - No, it's...

- They fucking passed. What? - It's fine. It's fine.

VC assholes.

They've got no vision, they've got no fucking...

- Hey. - ...balls.

Hey, hey, we'll get there, okay?

I know a guy at Monsanto.

Kill me if we end up at Monsanto.

Hey. - Hi.

Hey. So how was your nothing?

It's fine. Yes, it'll be fine.

Good.

How is everything? Everything fine?

Fine, fine, fine. Good.

Oh, they passed?

No, no, no, it's Dana.

We're hoping she'll come through, right?

Um, yeah. Um, hey, you know, I'll be at the bar.

- Cool. Okay. - Yeah.

Diane, Walt.

Walt needs to use the restroom.

The signage here, lacking.

Uh, down the hall, first left on the left.

- Left? Right. - No, left.

Okay. Right.

Good luck. Thank you.

Okay.

Snub. Noted.

Les, has he cancelled yet? - Who?

- Jim. - Uh, no, no, no, he's confirmed.

- Who said? - Lindy said.

No, he's not coming. You need to prepare.

Prepare for what?

Heartbreak, drama, tears.

Walt will walk Lindy down the aisle.

I think Lindy wanted her dad...

It's handled.

Walt will step in for Jim.

Crisis averted, less drama, fewer tears.

woman: Ready? And what is the secret

to a happy marriage?

There is no secret. Walt?

- Nope. - No.

And happy? Unsustainable.

Enough said.

But I will say,

I know it's fashionable these days

for everyone to express every single feeling

at every single moment, but as far as I'm concerned,

it doesn't do anyone the slightest bit of good.

And marriage--Walt?

Be nice.

And if you can't be nice... be silent.

Walt?

Why the fuck are you two doing this?

Terry.

You mean, why are we doing marriage?

Hey, hey. - Uh-hmm. Hi.

- Hi, hi. - Okay. Be nice. Okay.

I do have the greatest wedding present ever.

Open it now.

No, we're doing gifts, like, after...

Now, damn it.

Okay. Is this what I think it is?

We have a ton of work to do.

Oh, no, we don't--hey. - Stop, it can't wait.

No, it has to wait. I mean, I have to be here.

Well, you want to be here.

- Yes, I want to be here. - Yeah.

- I want to... - You have to be here?

All right, Stepford. - I want to be here.

It's my wedding.

And we agreed that we wouldn't do any work

on the wedding. - Right.

Uh, does your book go to print Monday, Tomatohead?

What? You told her about the tomato?

- Was it a secret? - Yeah.

Word could get out. - We don't have any secrets.

Get used to it, Leslie. - "Word can get out"?

You have no right to call me Leslie.

Is it not your name?

You have no emotional right.

Okay. Hey, hey, baby. Hey, look who's here,

your mom and dad.

Oh.

Lindy, Mom and Dad are here. - I--I'm right behind you.

- Okay. - I'm right behind you.

"Mom and Dad." How sweet.

Yeah, I am going all fucking in

on this new normal family.

There is no normal.

Do you want your book in Barnes & Noble or what?

Yeah, of course I do. Take a drink.

I'm getting blurbs from France,

I'm getting blurbs from Donna Tartt.

- What? - She doesn't blurb.

And here you are worrying about fucking canapes.

Oh, my God.

What happened to our pact?

- Terry. - We marry our careers.

We breed success only. We date and dump.

No marriage, no traditional gender roles,

no Midwesterners, no cowboys. New Yorkers...

need only apply. - Need only apply.

We were young and we were not serious.

We were deadly serious.

Yeah, but that was when I didn't think

I was ever gonna... - No, no. Don't say love.

...have actual love in my life.

I will throw myself off the roof of this hotel.

Is it the wedding you're mad about?

Or is it Les? - Fine. I don't like either.

But my concern is less about Les and more about you

moving to the fucking suburbs and being unable to write.

I am not moving to the suburbs.

Les doesn't want that either.

I will never not write, and I don't vacuum,

so I will be me.

Now I know I'm fucked.

It's a wedding. It's not a death sentence.

Mm, they're one and the same.

Yeah, thank you, Mrs. Littlejohn.

- How was the journey down? - Oh, no, no, no. Nancy, dear.

Or Mom, you can use. - How was the drive down?

Uh, long. Long. My leg cramped up.

I don't wanna stir the pot and upset Diane.

- Oh, no. - Well, I--Mom, it is.

- Aww. Yay. - Can I get you anything?

Like ice or aspirin? Or...

Oh, no, no. I'm not crying about it.

The Littlejohns are here! Hey! Whoa!

Hey, where can we get a real drink in this dump?

Hey. Good to see you. - Hey, buddy.

Mm, Lindy, looking hot. Okay, Sam.

Well, your wife's right there. Okay.

- Congrats, bro. - Thanks, buddy.

Jesus!

Watch the family jewels, there.

Boys, leave your brother alone.

Mommy's not gonna come to your defense anymore, Leslie, eh?

That's Lindy's job now.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna... Ha, ha, ha. Okay, guys.

Get in the bar, you know. - Come on, let's get a drink.

Come on, come on. Yeah, get a drink, huh?

Great to see you.

Frank Jr.: Did you see his face? Oh, my God. What a loser.

Do you need ice or anything?

Are you gonna throw up?

Okay... here we go.

Thank you.

Welcome, everyone. Welcome. Welcome.

Um, we can't tell you how honored we are

to have you all here. Uh... - Yes.

Many of you know that Les and I

never planned to do any of this.

- Nope. - Nope.

- Nope. Not at all. No way. - Nope.

Uh, but I did know, I did know,

I will tell you this, that I did know that when,

um, the first moment that I--that I met her,

something inside me changed.

And I knew that I wanted to, um...

I wanted her in my life forever...

and ever. - And ever, yes. Thank you.

Um, well, alcohol and a sexy Halloween costume

will do that to you.

That's what got me.

Um, I will say that our first date,

like, got off to a bit of a rocky start, though.

- Ohh. - Because I had asked her to,

um, the classiest restaurant

that my-- my grad student stipend

would allow, the Olive Garden.

Ohh. Wonderful.

I was so scared, anticipating Lindy's arrival.

I was sitting there waiting, waiting, and waiting,

until it became obvious to me,

and to the entire restaurant, that she wasn't coming.

And she had stood me up

at the Olive Garden.

Uh, and finally a waiter came over

and asked if there was anything else I needed, um...

My dignity, my pride, maybe.

Um, and I was about to ask for the check

when a voice rang out...

"Your finest house red, unlimited breadsticks,

and an apology for the sad,

sexy sack at table nine."

I'm glad I waited.

Because those breadsticks were really good.

To you.

And to me, and to forever.

To all of those things and to you, to you for...

- To you. - ...making the trip.

We really-- we love you all so much.

Thank you. - We do. Let's eat.

Yes.

Aww, lovely speech. Thank you both.

Thank you.

Aww. Well. Cute, right?

Uh, attention.

We're having a small issue in the kitchen,

a tiny delay with dinner.

So we're bringing cocktails for everyone

to enjoy in the interim.

Great.

- No, I have to go. - No, no, no. We hate this.

More cocktails?

You know how many cocktails she's already had?

- We hate this. - This is a recipe for disaster.

We hate this.

Gasoline. The match is lit.

The match is lit. Thank you.

It is what it is, isn't it?

Keeping romance alive.

Les is a hopeless romantic at heart.

Do you remember those sweet poems he used to--

he used to write when he was little, dear?

- Mm. - He would--he would put them

on our pillow every night...

- Uh-hmm. - ...before he went to sleep.

Glad he grew out of that one, or...

I-I remember, um,

"Twinkle, twinkle, little me, how I wonder...

- Yeah, okay. The rest of it, - "...what I'll be."

they get it. They get it.

- Bride or groom? - Lindy. Best friend.

Oh. Oh, yeah. Les is my best friend.

Yeah, how come our paths have never crossed?

Oh, I don't like him. I mean, do you?

- I never thought about it. - Huh. You didn't say yes.

Oh, well, now, you... you caught me off guard.

Well, isn't-- doesn't best friend imply yes?

Not always.

I get the impression you don't wanna be here?

Lindy wants me here, so I'm here.

You here with a plus-one?

Why, no.

Where's your date?

It's complicated.

Ugh, complicated leads to all of this.

You're very direct.

- You like it? - I don't know if I do.

You will. Hi.

I don't know if I will. Just wait.

- So you're ready for the show? - Oh, yes.

Gary, when do you think the show will start?

What show?

Wait, is this your first McMichael event?

Have you never been to a McMichael event?

- Yeah, I--no. Why? - Things are gonna get nuts.

Oh, we guarantee it. Nuts.

- I predict blood. - Yes. Blood.

both: Mm-hmm.

What kind of blood? What?

Look at me. Tell me.

Is this what you really want?

- Terry. - Ha, you didn't say yes.

Are you working at your wedding?

My book goes to print Monday.

Hi. Welcome. How many is that?

I told Les, Walt will walk you down the aisle.

Dad will.

Optimism is naive and not you.

You have been perfectly cast as negativity.

Typecast. Hi, Diane.

You're not helping. Hi, Terry.

Need I remind you how many times your father was a no-show?

Pick an event. - Mom, your grievances

are not my grievances.

I was the one left to pick up the pieces.

Oh, you mean kick the pieces

and say "I told you so."

If you don't wanna follow in your father's footsteps,

you should be over there with your husband-to-be.

That is your duty as wife-to-be.

Don't mess this up, too.

Mother of ice.

What an exit.

- Duty? - Well, you are a wife-to-be.

- Oh, is that the book? - Yeah.

- Am I in it? - Okay, no one's in it.

It's fiction.

I cannot believe

that you are getting married,

when you always said you never wanted to.

And I always wanted to.

But I could never find the one, not that there is, like, a one,

but I found him.

Oh.

Tim, this is my--

Has anyone seen Tim?

Um, Erin, is that him?

Oh, God. Uh, yeah. Isn't he great?

- Yeah, he's... - I'll be right back.

Hi, Terry. - Hi.

I don't know what love is. I don't know.

None of us do. But they know. They know.

Last time I spoke to this many people

was for the launch of the Ford Taurus,

as some of you probably know I-I designed.

Sorry, I'm gonna bring this down to human height.

I've known you a long time.

Long time, 'member? Yeah. I do.

Oh, this, um, was Les' favorite song

when he was little.

You'll remember it, Les.

♪ I u-lu-lused to pla-lay-lay ♪ ♪ The ol-old banjo-lo ♪

♪ And re-te-lest it ♪ ♪ O-lo-lon my knee-lelelelee ♪

But honestly, when I first saw you two together,

I was like, "Mm-mm, no way, never gonna happen.

It's never gonna happen."

We're so happy for you.

both: So happy for you.

To my much older sister,

who found the one so easily.

'Cause of course.

Lindy, Lindy, Lindy, Lindy, you are...

You are hot.

♪ And now-lo-low ♪ ♪ The stri-li-lings ♪

♪ Are metal and so-lo-lo ♪

♪ This so-lo-long ♪ ♪ I si-li-ling for you ♪

Anyway, I'm hopeful, you know.

I have my Tim.

We should ask them what love is, right?

Oh! Drunk.

Has anyone seen Tim?

♪ This so-lo-long ♪ ♪ I si-li-ling ♪

♪ For you-lu-lu-lu-lu ♪

Love. It's a beautiful thing.

- Where the fuck is the food? - Minutes away, ma'am--

I mean miss.

Alice, you said that five minutes ago.

I know, I know, it's... Jim [on mic]: Peas and carrots.

Daddy.

You know, Lindy was born on my birthday,

stealing my thunder from day one.

From the moment my baby girl breathed air, she screamed.

And not just-been-born scream, no.

This one, this one had something to say.

And I thought, "Holy shit...

...now I got two women screaming at me."

Hi, Diane.

Then I held her in my arms

and she suddenly stopped screaming.

Silence.

The nurse said she'd never seen

anything like it.

She said, "You two belong together.

Like peas and carrots."

He was in Milwaukee the day she was born.

And to see her now,

young, in love,

getting married,

bright futures ahead of you.

It makes a man feel a little bit, uh, giddy

just sharing the air with you.

As long as there's no screamin'.

You know, when you got kids...

you see a little bit of you in them.

And when they find someone

who loves them, it's...

it's like that little piece of you

is getting that love, too.

It makes this old man feel...

very proud.

Congratulations to you both.

I couldn't be happier.

Hey, you're the peas and carrots now.

- Speech of the night. - Speech of the night.

At least he didn't regale us

with his so-called baseball career.

Oh, baby.

Oh, I'm so happy you're here.

Gotta have someone on your team, kiddo.

Daddy, this is Les.

Mr. McMichael, an honor, sir.

Jim, never sir.

Oh.

- And the honor is mine. - Okay.

But there's an obligation I have as a father.

And that is that if you break her heart...

Uh-hmm. - ...I will break yours, son.

I'm kidding.

Clear, direct, threatening, uh, with warmth and jest.

I can see where Lindy gets it.

Hey, hey.

Diane.

Jim.

Walt.

- Jim. - Les.

Oh, uh, Kevin!

Mom.

Lindy.

So, how about that book of hers?

- My--you read it? - Read it?

It's incredible. You're a big talent, Lindy.

- Dad. - Chip off the old block.

And, boy, did you get the Diane character

down to a tee. Dad.

Yeah. It kept me looking over my shoulder, kiddo.

I'm--I'm--I'm in it?

No, nobody's in it. It's fiction.

I'm a--I'm a character in your book

and you managed to send him

an advance copy

to address unknown,

but not me? - Mom.

Walt?

- Diane. - Mom.

Kevin!

Leslie, show Dad what you were showing me.

Oh, no, no. It's early days.

It's not--no, no. - Show him. It's extraordinary.

Frank. Yeah. - Yeah, show me. Come on.

- Okay. If you're sure. - Food's not here yet.

See? It's the perfect time. Go on, dear.

Okay. Well, um, Dad,

I... I am on the brink

of inventing the GMO tomato.

- Oh. - It's the...

So the genetically modified tomato really has the potential

to, um, change agriculture as we know it.

And Monsanto, uh, is interested, actually.

Hasn't the tomato already been invented?

Yeah, but this is a new kind of--

this is a different kind of tomato.

You love tomatoes, Frank.

I do love tomatoes in the sandwich.

Does it-- does it look like a tomato?

Yeah, but it's genetically modified.

And it tastes like a tomato?

Yes. But--yeah.

- It's a tomato? - It is. It is. Yeah.

Nice.

Yup. Yup.

You see? He's impressed.

Yeah.

Uh, bullshit to marriage, bullshit to happy.

Do you wanna know what genre I file romance under? Fantasy.

And as for Lindy and the Nutty Professor,

science fiction.

I'm just waiting for the day my phone rings

and she's accidentally got two heads.

Attention, distinguished guests.

The food is on its way. all: Whoo!

Please return to your seats

in a timely manner and we'll--

"Chapter Nine,

Mother of Ice."

Oh, fuck.

"My mother was not kind or warm."

- Walt, go stop her. - Yeah.

- Do something. - I'm no hero.

"...emotional icicle." Okay. All right.

Everybody, take your seats. Sit down.

Don't worry, everybody. Mom.

"Her feelings frozen into harsh..."

- Okay. We're gonna eat. - "...jagged edges..."

Let's, uh... "...ready to impale

anyone who got too..."

Stop it. - Diane.

You're ruining--Mom, what the fuck are you doing?

You're ruining my wedding.

Diane, would you like some coffee?

Where is, uh, Kevin? "As soon as..."

You know what? Let's just...

Kevin? Kevin? - I'm--I'm--

"as soon as my mother..." - Diane. Diane.

- Kevin! - "...temperature dropped,

the air sparked."

When you want him, he's never freakin' there.

Kevin! We need coffee.

Okay. Let's just--can I unplug this?

Yeah. It's a good idea, great idea.

"...scorned my mother's love."

Unplug it. Mom.

What are you doing?

"Hell hath no fury

"like a repressed middle-aged mother scorned.

"My mother's love, conditional.

"It had to be earned, it had to be controlled."

Kevin! Unhand me.

Ah! - I'm burning!

He's fine. He's fine. He's not burning.

"My mother was not one to forget or forgive."

Mother, stop!

We're getting out of here. Walt.

Oh, Jesus! Fuck, Diane!

Drop the knife, Mom. Put the knife down.

Oh! Ow, ow, ow, ow!

I've been stabbed! - Oh, Les.

man: Oh, fuck! I've been stabbed!

Femoral artery, I could bleed out!

I gotta pull it, right?

No, don't pull it out. It's okay.

I don't think it's gonna be fine with me!

I'm gonna take it out.

I really don't think you should take it out.

- Three, two, one! - No, Lindy!

Everybody's getting stabbed.

Oh, let's get you out of here, dear.

Oh, my God.

Walter, could you restrain your fuckin' wife!

- Walt. Walt. - Don't tell me what to do.

- Come on! Go there! - I'm telling ya...

I fuckin' will.

- Dad! - Frank!

- Jim! - Frank!

Holy Gracious Savior, you called it.

A double stabbing.

Should've put money on it.

Marriage. Blood sport.

Will everybody please sit down

and enjoy the fucking tuna tartare?!

officer: Uh, what happened exactly?

Rehearsal dinner.

Got it.

By the way, I liked your speech a lot.

By the way...

I liked your face a lot.

My room, let's go. Now.

Bless this shepherd.

I should probably introduce myself...

- Don't. - ...I'm--oh.

woman: What's the secret to a happy marriage?

- Being in sync. - Being... in sync.

- Such a shit... - What a shit show.

Oh, my God, my family.

Always with the drama. - Oh, my God. Fuck.

I mean, I only wanted to get married

to join your normal family

so I could escape from the madness of my own.

Only?

Only?

Les.

You only wanted to get married to join my normal family?

Do you have any idea how small that makes me feel?

Whoa, hey.

Nothing's changed.

And I love you.

Not enough to not work

at our rehearsal dinner, right?

Maybe I could--maybe I could still feel my thigh.

What happened to, "Everything that goes bad

is good, makes for a better story"?

Are-- We're not even doing this for real, are we?

I don't know. Are we?

What's happening?

Is this maybe the drugs talking?

Uh, maybe, maybe. But maybe not.

Hang on. Where are you going?

Going to my room.

I mean, come-- Les, let's just fuck that

traditional wedding superstition stuff.

Well, you wanna-- you wanna fuck the wedding?

That is not what I just said.

But that's what you meant.

- No. - Wait.

What's this?

I--come--I...I...

"Let"-- That's your vow? "Let's do this thing"?

Come on. I... That?

That's--I--I'm--

tomorrow I'm gonna-- I wanted to be...

I got it. I got it.

It really is a fucking wedding.

I understand.

Hey, where--where-- Wait.

Am I gonna see you tomorrow?

Am I gonna see you tomorrow?

Hey.

Hey.

Cold feet?

Maybe.

Drink?

- Yeah. - All right.

I'm sorry about your arm.

Aw, she's been waitin' 20 years

to stab me with something.

It's okay.

I think this wedding was a mistake.

The wedding or the marriage?

I gotta say, I never thought I'd see

my little firecracker settle down.

But you like Les, right?

You chose dependable over exciting.

Is that bad?

We don't do dependable, me and you.

Hmm.

I wanted normal.

I've never had normal.

Well...

not-normal fueled your talent.

Hell, you wrote a fantastic book because of it.

Normal can kill a creative spark.

That's why I can't write my vows maybe.

Could be. Jeez, I should know.

Before I met Diane, I was a lock for the majors.

But you know the story. - Yep.

Yeah. You got married, and then, the armoire...

- The armoire, whatever, - ...to go...

that dresser thing she wanted upstairs.

Had to have it upstairs,

and then, tore a ligament and...

that was that.

- Yeah. - Goodbye, baseball career.

You really think you would've been a baseball star

if you hadn't married Mom?

Hm.

After we divorced,

I started playing down in the Mexican Pacific League.

Everyone thought I was washed up.

The coach was, uh, forced to sign me.

So, yeah, he benched me game after game.

And one day, their star player

got injured, and coach had no choice

but to send me in to bat.

First pitch, swing and a miss.

Second pitch, another whiff.

If I blow it, I'm done.

The next pitch, I hit that goddamn ball

so hard it smashes out the stadium lights,

sparks flying onto the field, crowd goes wild.

And I knew.

I mean, I remembered in that moment

for great talent to thrive,

you gotta put you first.

You hear me, kiddo?

- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah?

I'll have the car running tomorrow morning

if you wanna make a run for it.

We both know this isn't you.

Peas and carrots.

Uh, I'll be right back. I gotta see a man about a horse.

Um, you do know that was the plot

of The Natural, right?

Oh, yeah, Kevin. I know.

- Are you crying? - No.

Are you smoking? - No.

Is it because I stabbed you?

No. Is it 'cause you stabbed me?

Yes.

What did she say or what did she do?

She was so, uh, excited. Yeah.

Mm.

Fear cloaked in excitement.

And now she wants to run.

Well, she didn't say that.

She didn't have to.

Lindy is like Jim, but she's more like me

than she realizes.

The more she loves someone,

the more she fears they will run.

We have the endlessly charming Jim to thank for that.

Say what you will about me, but I stuck around.

I know I am not easy or charming.

And contrary to popular belief, I am not a monster.

After Jim left...

my heart broke.

Yes, Mother of Ice has a heart.

I vowed I'd never marry again.

Then I met Walt.

He's a good one.

I may be the only one who sees that,

but everyone else can fuck right off.

Now, you, Les...

you are one of the good ones, too.

And Lindy knows it.

And that's why she's trying so hard not to run.

This conversation never happened.

Diane, thank you.

Not bad for an emotional icicle.

Fuck.

Oh, Daddy.

Les [on megaphone]: Janet Reno!

Janet Reno!

Janet Reno!

Oh, you're my hero.

Let's do this thing. Whoo!

Let's go!

You took my fucking bullhorn!

Kevin!

- What did-- We end up here--? - How about...

This is not us. It's not us.

But is it you?

Be honest.

Yeah.

I wanted to get married, to you.

And I wanted a wedding.

I did. But you? Um...

- Didn't. - No.

So why did you say yes?

Because I didn't wanna lose you.

Or my family.

But you see why now, right?

I just wanted...

was longing for some sense of...

Normal.

Yeah. I said I'd do

what I had always said I wouldn't do

'cause I didn't want you to go.

Go?

I am an overly educated, uh, science nerd nobody

with--with one dumb idea

no one gives a shit about.

You are brilliant

and you're gonna change the world.

I truly believe you will.

And I can't wrap my head around

why you wanna stay with a dum-dum like me.

When you tell me I can change the world, then I believe it.

And there is nothing I want more

than to be with a dum-dum like you

forever.

Fuck the paperwork.

But you want the paperwork.

But you don't. You don't. So fuck it.

But you saying fuck it really makes me fucking happy, though.

I fucking love you.

I fucking love you.

But now, I just wanna un-fuck it and just get married.

Wow. What, fucking for real?

But for us, like our...

our thing. Our... - Yeah.

...our normal. Our version.

And--and no drama.

- Yes. No violence... - No.

- ...no police. - No family.

No.

And I know a perfect place.

The gray house.

The gray house.

The secret?

Not having a wedding.

Having two.

Diane, don't make me come over there.

I, Les Littlejohn,

do not take you,

Lindy McMichael, to be my wedded wife.

And I, Lindy McMichael,

do not take you, Les Littlejohn, to be my wedded husband.

Not?

- Never. - Never, ever.

You are signing the papers, yes?

- Yes. - Yeah.

Okay. Well, I now pronounce you

not husband and wife.