Original subtitles

Lindy Littlejohn,

accused of plagiarizing her short story

by the author's own daughter.

She stole it from one of her students.

She's a liar. You'll regret it.

I am her literal regret.

Young Lulu: "I dream of a life without a daughter,

sucking at the teat of inspiration."

Mom hates me.

The Pulitzer committee is meeting

and there's talk of rescinding your award.

What am I without it?

A former client.

Eight packs of toilet paper?

Hundreds.

I'm his fucking lab rat.

You're having an affair with my physicist?

No!

Richard.

Have I killed a man?

You're alive!

Les has 30 days to solve the formula

or he's fired and the tech reverts to Hilton.

Another fuckin' lie!

I need space from you.

- Fucking Les. - Oh, fuck!

You can't solve the formula.

And I plan to make the next 21 days of your life

a living hell.

Les.

You're stuck in a bad dream.

We both are.

Les, wake up.

Lindy, you're you.

I'm me.

Is it over?

It is for me.

What happened?

I lost my Pulitzer.

I was outed as a plagiarist by our daughter.

Oh. She's so clever

and bright.

Loathes me.

But not you. - I'm sorry.

I would be devastated if she loathed me.

It's all right, really.

I am a fraud.

One book.

I'm relieved. - That was your prize.

Now that I've solved the formula,

I'm gonna get mine.

Oh, you're confused.

You didn't solve anything.

You're never going to get your prize.

You're a fraud, too.

Then I need you to respect me, Lindy.

I can't be alone.

You are alone.

But you're here.

Am I?

Wake up!

Lindy?

I'm still here, Les.

No, you're not.

And I'm dreaming.

No.

This is real.

I'm right here.

Boo!

Where are you?

Lindy.

Where are you?

Lindy.

Guilt won't let you sleep.

You're the one who should be feeling guilty!

Me? - Yes!

Richard.

Dolores.

I can't do this. I can't--

found you.

You sadist.

Shit.

Dr. Carmichael said...

Oh, fuck that bitch and fuck you!

Les, that is a red-light reaction.

Oh, you're in my head.

You're in my head, you're in my head,

you're in my head, you're in my--oh!

Oh! Oh, God!

Dr. Carmichael says

we can't be afraid to expose

our naked selves,

even if it makes us feel

vulnerable and scared.

We're goin' God mode.

Connect, connect, connect, connect,

connect, connect, connect.

You have no power if you have no power!

Don't you dare touch that circuit breaker, Les.

I will crush you.

I touch what I wanna touch.

I exist without restraint.

You live in darkness.

Full fucking throttle.

You will tremble to think of all the things I can do

while you sleep.

Sun's out, buns out.

Oh.

Fuck this!

I'm checking into the Courtyard Marriott.

Uh-uh, if you don't come home,

I will report myself a missing person.

You wouldn't.

I would.

I will Gone Girl myself.

How are you gonna explain your actions to the police?

You monster! I'm your monster,

Dr. Franken-fuck.

Uh, oh, my bad.

Enough to wipe your ass for 192 days.

Trust me.

You're my prisoner now.

Hello?

Hello.

Hi, Martin. Hi. Uh, yes.

Are you sleeping? Your eyes were open.

No, I was resting.

It's been a long, um, long life.

Are you able to... to receive information?

Because we've got a problem.

What is the problem?

Oh, problem is that Hilton

has moved up the investor presentation to tomorrow.

He was so impressed with your little party trick.

So was Dr. Schaffhausen.

I'm gonna get the Nobel Prize in Sweden.

Uh, the King-- - Les, buddy,

unless you can figure out the formula,

there is no Nobel.

- I've-- - No, there is no lab.

There is no you, there is no me.

There is fraud.

There is a lawsuit.

There is maximum-security prison.

And Hilton's smug face.

I can sleep in prison.

Why are you like this?

- Lindy. - Is this about the-the scandal?

Because I have a lot of conflicting Lindy information.

She is conflict.

She's--yeah. I need a--

I need a minute now.

Take 20, take 30.

But make it fast.

Because if you can't figure this out, we are dead.

Dead in the holy water.

woman [on recording]: You've elected to try something new.

You've decided to take control

of your anger and rage.

Surprise yourself and those around you

by finding an alternative to lashing out

and emotionally baiting your loved ones.

By channeling... - What?

woman: ...inner peace

and reconnecting with your better self.

You're in there somewhere--

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes. Accept.

Hello. Hi. Hi, I thought you hated me.

I do. Turn on the "Today" show.

Oh, fuck. Why? What--this fuckin' nightmare.

This is gonna put both of us in the fucking ground.

Well, what the fuck now?

Jackie. - No.

Jenna. - No!

I have to go.

No, no, no!

Any idea what she's gonna say?

Nope.

Power move.

I know you hate me.

But I hate me more. - Get up.

Let me die. I totally want to,

but the "Today" show.

- What the fuck now? - Jackie.

...author Lindy Littlejohn's career comeback

- Yeah? - Jenna.

...and subsequent plagiarism scandal.

Joining us today via satellite

is the student rumored to have written

the short story... - Oh, fuck yeah.

...Jackie Baldwin. Jackie, welcome.

What a whirlwind.

Jenna, what an honor to be here.

I mean, I'm such a fan.

I love how you love books as much as I do.

Jenna, let me begin by saying

Professor Littlejohn is my hero.

My Rainbow Starts With Black changed my life.

It's as if she saw into my soul.

Yeah. - Well, now,

there are questions about the authenticity

of that novel, too.

Okay, which is some bullshit!

Please, Jackie, help me. Help me, Jackie.

Please, please, please. Professor Littlejohn

is the reason I wanted to become a writer.

She's a paragon of inspiration.

To think that Professor Littlejohn

would be capable of plagiarism is...

is heartbreaking.

I mean,

being in this position

is my worst nightmare realized.

Jesus.

She's good. - She's good.

"Untitled on Purpose"

is a captivating and entertaining read.

The question everyone is asking is,

who wrote it?

Professor Littlejohn, if you're watching,

and I sure hope you are,

I have no choice but to tell the truth.

Professor Littlejohn is the true author

of "Untitled on Purpose."

Why? What? Yes!

What? Thank you.

I'm merely a humble graduate student doing...

- Oh, God. - Oh, God.

Your publisher better have deep fucking pockets.

Well played, Hel.

Well fucking played.

And nice touch sending her to Montana, too.

Keeps her folksy.

I am no Professor Littlejohn.

Teach me everything you know.

It saddens me that her daughter...

She's lying. - ...would accuse

her own mother of such a...

You don't know me, Jackie Baldwin!

I am not lying.

She is lying about the lying.

Your mom's fans are fuckin' toxic.

Yeah. Everybody hates me.

The chick-lit hashtaggers are strapping

on their heels for battle.

But they loved me yesterday.

Richard, do I have thoughts today?

Um, Richard's not here.

Oh, yes, you're right. He's dead.

Uh, no.

I think he's just in Collinsville.

Is that Shakespearean for heaven?

It--it's a suburb.

Oh, lovely.

Bob, explain what I should implement.

Uh...

You're not Bob.

I'm Bob.

There's something different about you.

- I'm Bob the New Explainer. - Janet?

What's happening? Where's Bob-Bob?

Bob is not here.

No explanation.

- What's going on? - Um, he seems off.

Les, come.

- There's a new Bob. - That's right.

The other Bob spoke to a journalist.

We do not do that. You know the protocol.

Let's reset.

Tell me what you see.

Better yet, tell me what you don't see.

Curve.

Follow the curve.

Continue the curve.

We need a curve.

Uh, I don't know what kind of curve,

but not a straight line,

a curve...

to infinity.

If the corn stabilizes for three minutes,

we'll have reached limitless stabilization.

And the math?

Dr. Littlejohn?

Well, the equation.

The curve. Um...

We have 24 hours.

You can do this.

You need to sleep.

You're welcome to stay at my place,

in my guestroom.

The mattress is Tempur-Pedic, medium firm.

I'm here for you, Les.

I am wherever you need me to be,

for work or anything

other than work, too.

I can't. My wife is expecting me.

I see. I understand.

Then go home.

But do whatever you have to do

to rest and think.

Defend your mental space.

Defend my mental space.

Get creative.

So, is that it? Is it over?

You're welcome.

- What happened? - Hell.

I have been through hell. You have no idea.

No, you have no idea.

So my Pulitzer?

You get to keep it.

And my editor?

Still on the roster.

And my best friend?

Waitlisted-ish.

Fair. I deserve an -ish.

I'm just relieved not to be dropped.

So everybody wins, right?

You, me, Jackie Baldwin, I'm assuming?

Raked over the money coals, yes,

but worth it, I think.

Oh, you're welcome.

Too soon. - Fair. Fair. Yes.

Um, listen, there is one casualty.

Someone's gotta take the fall.

Oh, fuck.

Lulu.

#StLuluDeLulu.

Is it bad-bad?

She's tough, and it's the internet,

so tomorrow it'll be someone else's something else.

Jackie's on, and not the folksy one.

I gotta run. Congrats, I think.

Thank--

Jesus.

Lulu [on recording]: You're old. Text me.

Of course.

It's your mom.

She says, "Lulu, please come home."

Delete it. No.

Yes!

No! You should go home.

Talk to her.

She had her student lie

so that I could be crushed on social media

and she can keep her precious fucking award.

That is all she cares about.

You don't know she actually did that.

I have proof

that she stole that story.

I will not let her get away with this.

What are you gonna do?

Make another TikTok?

Maybe I should.

Or go on the "Today" show.

You're just looking for more drama.

You're like a drama junkie.

- So is she. - Finally!

Now you see my point?

She reached out.

She wants to see you.

She is breaking a pattern and so should you.

And we will be talking about Shirtless Mike later.

You fellows have traveled a great distance

following a northern star, gifts in hand,

and your faith was rewarded, right?

And in my own way, I have traveled a great distance

following my heart's North Star,

only to be rejected, and tortured,

and traumatized that I'm losing my faith.

I'm...

I'm losing my faith, in faith.

I'm in dire need of some kind of sign.

A reason, a purpose, a direction, a--

Your existence is complicated,

but I thank you anyway.

Well, you've restored my faith.

In what?

In life.

Hi. - Hi.

I-I know you're on a mini signed sabbatical

caring for a loved one right now,

and I hate to bother you, but...

Janet, you are never a bother.

Well, um, I'm glad.

What's going on?

Um, Les is not good.

- Oh, I know. - You know?

I--well, you know, we work together so closely

that it's like a twin-flame thing.

I--I can feel it, even if I can't see it in... in person.

Uh, thing is, we need him good,

like great.

He's too exhausted to string a coherent sentence together

and the investor presentation is tomorrow.

Wait. Tomorrow?

Yeah, Hilton's whim.

Oh. So, how can I be helpful?

Uh, I wish you could talk to him.

Get him back on track.

I mean, he thinks

you're in, like, heaven?

I'm nearby.

man [over PA]: Johnny, we need the forklift.

Johnny, bring back the forklift.

♪ Down in Jamaica ♪

♪ They got lots ♪ ♪ Of pretty women ♪

♪ Steal your money ♪

♪ Then they break ♪ ♪ Your heart ♪

♪ Lonesome Sue ♪

♪ She's in love ♪ ♪ With old Sam ♪

♪ Take him from the fire ♪ ♪ Into the frying pan ♪

Great choice.

It's my favorite.

Would it get through a bedroom door easily?

Like a hot knife through butter.

Yes, please.

♪...when she feels ♪ ♪ Like crying ♪

Question, um, Chuck,

if you had a very clever, determined,

angry mouse that was keeping you up all night,

driving you fucking insane... - I hate mice.

...what would you use to slow her down?

Let me ask you this.

Are you lookin' for somethin'

humane or inhumane?

Let me show you both options. - Yes, please.

♪ And starts to cry ♪

I'll wait to hear from you with, um, bells on.

Fare thee well.

Oh.

Um... um...

I was on a personal call.

I apologize. I cannot lie.

Why do you look like that?

- Nervous? - Glowing.

When you hung up with whoever you were speaking to,

you smiled and glowed.

- Am I in trouble? - Not yet.

I'm curious.

I was talking to, um, someone special.

You're in a relationship?

No, no, no. The someone special already...

has a someone special.

Am I fired? - Isn't it anti-feminist

to be considered the other woman?

I'm sorry?

Your Instagram account.

"Janet Colgate, physicist,

feminist, celiac."

You're on Instagram? In a way. I lurk.

I research... everyone.

Janet...

you're the other woman?

Oh, I-I don't think I have that status yet.

Same. Hmm.

Mom, I'm here. Let's talk.

Mom?

Lindy [on megaphone]: I'm in here.

Where? In the kitchen.

Mom, where?

On the island.

The what?

Okay, this is fucking stupid.

By the salt and pepper!

It's me. Uh, I'm tiny and I know it's a shock.

Just try not to-- - You're tiny?!

...scream. Okay.

But before we continue,

let's crash course in volume control.

You're gonna lean into a whisper.

I'll lean into a shout.

We'll meet in the middle.

Are you real?

Yeah. Uh, I am real.

Holy fuck.

Holy fuck. Dad did this.

The dollhouse? The crying?

The "Today" show?

Grandma?! - Ah-ah-ah-ah-ahh. Quieter.

Sorry.

It's okay.

How did this happen?

It was an accident. An accident.

Your dad and I are working through some issues.

You know, uh--I am working through some issues.

It's why I reached out.

Lulu, uh...

God, those comments online just broke my heart.

You don't deserve--it's-- it's--I'm--oh, God.

I fucked up.

Why are you crying? I don't know.

I don't know, because I'm so fucking mad at you.

I hated you.

You lied. That Jackie Baldwin bitch lied.

Okay. Okay. I'm sorry.

I don't know how to whisper-cry and I can't even fucking yell.

No. It's okay. You should yell.

You should be mad.

Don't tell me that I should be mad

when I should be mad.

And now, I can't be mad...

because you're just, you're so small...

and I feel so bad.

Come here.

Come.

Closer.

Closer.

Don't look up my nose.

I won't.

This is so weird.

I know.

Our family's weird now.

So, um... are you okay?

Well, I'm branded dog shit, but I'm okay.

This is all my fault.

I'm not a great mom.

I-I-I want to be.

I... I need to try harder. I-I can start right now.

Where to start? Okay.

Um, I wrote a book.

Whoa. We're going back 20 years?

How long is this story?

- Short and with a point. - We'll see.

I wrote a book. I got rewarded.

I felt like a fraud. I mean, it was my first book.

But then I had this prize.

And that basically became my identity.

So, bullshit on bullshit?

Bullshit on bullshit.

And, uh--well, then, then you came along.

And I could focus on you, not me.

So, bullshit me,

she kinda got left behind, which I loved.

And then you grew up and we grew apart.

And bullshit me kinda showed back up.

I think I resented you resenting me.

But that is not being a good parent.

That is being-- - A petulant child.

Yeah. Heh. You were hurting.

I didn't know why, but I should have asked.

I should have listened.

Okay. Well, a few edits maybe, but your story did have a point.

So, I'm listening now

and I have really good hearing.

It's a benefit of being this tiny.

- I hate science. - You do?

Dad's gonna lose his fucking brain.

Oh. I mean...

I flunked out of school.

So, go ahead, freak out.

- You did? - Yeah, by design.

Uh, I mean--okay. How?

It was harder than I expected.

I bet.

I misappropriated my student's story

and didn't correct it.

I dropped a TikTok outing my mom as a plagiarist.

I burned down your dollhouse.

What? Yeah.

It felt great.

I deleted "Darling Daughter."

- Wait, that was you? - Yeah. I was 11.

You should really change your password.

Wait.

Oh, my God.

You read that. Yeah. It--it's okay.

I know you didn't want me. I get it.

Lulu, I was channeling Grandma Diane, my mom,

thinking about me.

Really? Of course.

Oh, my God, I've never regretted having you.

But the resentment...

No. That was later and different.

God, no.

Makes sense.

Does it?

Yeah, actually. I read your book.

I can definitely see the Grandma Diane connection.

God, it breaks my heart that you thought I didn't...

That you grew up thinking that I didn't want you?

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

Oh, sweet girl.

I'm so sorry. I suck.

Oh, I suck. I fucking suck.

I suck too.

That's also my fault, and Dad's.

- We all suck. - Which sucks.

You read my book.

You want me to tell you it's good?

- No. - It's okay.

I'll take it.

So, do you have to tell Dad I flunked out,

like a UFP or United Family whatever-it-is?

UPF, United Parental Front.

No, fuck it.

I have to go in front of the review board tomorrow

and, like, make a case or whatever.

Tell them why they shouldn't kick me out of school.

What are you gonna say?

We could... We could practice it.

No. Don't get all mom about it.

Okay.

Hey, Lulu. What's going on?

Dad.

I can explain.

Les, don't worry.

I already explained.

- What did she tell you? - A lot.

- She's a liar. - You're the liar, Dad.

- Uh, what? - The dollhouse?

Grandma? Mom left us?

You let me think she was having an emotional breakdown.

No. What the fuck?

- No, no, no. Lulu-- - You've never lied to me before.

What did you tell her? Whatever I want.

I'm her mother, she needed me. - Since when?

You-you-you-you had no right to talk to her.

Dad... No. No, no, no.

Dad... We discussed this.

UPF. UPF.

We-we said that telling you would traumatize you

and we were gonna tell you together.

That's the U in UPF!

Well, someone had to be the P!

Well, here's the F. Fuck you. Fuck you!

Fuck you! Fuck you!

Fuck you! Fuck you!

Why?

Shit.

We are horrible.

The worst.

Makes me sick to make her sick.

Yeah, me too.

We need to get our shit together.

Jesus.

Look at us.

Look at me.

I know, I know.

Okay, okay.

I'm so sorry, Lulu.

This is us. Not you.

It's never you. Never you.

I think I'm empty.

This is so fucked.

Our family is fucked.

You're standing on the sink.

Yeah.

But, uh, this is our new reality.

We're a fucked-up family like everybody else, you know?

Sort of. - Until we're not.

I can fix this.

Can you, Dad?

Yes.

Don't you believe me?

I believe you. You know?

And you're, you're brilliant.

Frustratingly so. I've always believed in you.

Always.

Okay. So, like, what do we do now?

We live.

Uh, Dad and I are gonna work things out,

you're gonna go back to school tonight,

and, um, then we'll all go skiing

over President's Day weekend or something.

I don't know. But we're gonna be okay.

We're going to be okay.

Right? - Yes. Absolutely.

Yes.

Is it bad that I kinda wanna see Mom on tiny skis?

Hey. You know I love you, kiddo.

Yeah, I know.

She didn't tell me that she loved me back.

Uh, I think she did. - She did not.

You know she did not. - Okay.

This is a lot for her to process.

I've lost her love.

Okay, now you're being dramatic.

Dramatic?

She fucking adored me and now she can barely look at me.

- Yeah. It stings. But-- - No, no, no. It's fine.

It's-it's okay. I-I understand. I know.

I know that you love this.

You love it. - Love what?

You want me to be Hurricane Les, don't you?

Well, bravo.

This is your fucking guilt talking.

That's what this is. - You just--you took my daughter

away from me.

- Your daughter? - Yeah. That was your plan.

- This was my plan? - I was her hero,

and now she thinks I'm a fuckin' liar.

I told her it was an accident.

You want me to play her the voice note, huh?

Oh, I'm sure you painted a very pretty picture of yours--

Did you tell her about Richard?

Did you tell her about Richard?

His blood is on your hands, Lindy.

Really? My tiny, innocent,

shrunken-on-purpose hands?

Maybe you deserve to be her mad-scientist

shithead dad who shrunk her mom.

Every dad disappoints eventually.

It's finally your fucking turn.

You ruined Lulu

and you make me sick.

What the fuck are you doing?

No!

It would be so easy just to let go.

I've seen your balls, Les.

They aren't big enough. - Oh, it's been a while.

Maybe you've forgotten how big they are.

Put me down!

Okay.

You motherfucker!

You're dead.

Sure. Why not?

Fuck. What the fuck?

You were a good and loyal friend.

I'm gonna miss you, Dolores,

and I'm sorry it ended this way.

Richard [on megaphone]: I'm sorry too, Dolores.

Your eyes do not deceive you, I am not a ghost.

I am very much alive.

Richard!

I'm so relieved!

You are no more a murderer than I am an adulterer.

I was hoodwinked into an uncompromising position,

but I wanna put your mind at ease.

Nothing happened below the belt.

Well, the belt was off, Richard.

All part of the charade.

I never meant to hurt you.

Yes, you did.

However, I know you never meant to vanquish me,

which you did not.

Call it even?

Even Steven.

I have a science thought, if I may be so bold.

Please.

So, given my recent firsthand experiences,

I've been thinking about the quantum harmonic oscillator.

What if its potential energy is akin to the mass on a spring?

As in, uh, V of X equals one-half KX square?

Where K is the spring constant

and X is the displacement.

I mean, that's a--that's-- that's a parabolic curve.

I mean, that could work.

I've missed this. - Me too.

I will say Janet's been good, very good.

Um, but I have--I've missed, uh, I've missed the, uh...

You don't need to say it. I know.

Richard, I--you--missed you.

I do owe you an apology.

I was a fool for love.

I keep wondering...

was I driven by love or the tragedy of love?

You know, I can't believe you miniaturized yourself for her.

Oh, you would have done the same

if you weren't needed to solve the formula.

Oh, no, Richard. Never crossed my mind.

No, we've reached a new low.

May I ask why?

Because I know her.

I really fucking know her.

Not worth it.

Then you know she's coming for you.

Oh, I do.

And I can't fucking wait.

♪ Love ♪

♪ Love will tear us ♪ ♪ Apart again ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ Love will tear us ♪ ♪ Apart again ♪

♪ Why is the bedroom ♪ ♪ So cold? ♪

♪ You've turned away ♪ ♪ On your side ♪

♪ Is my timing that flawed? ♪

♪ Our respect runs so dry ♪

♪ Yet there's still ♪ ♪ This appeal ♪

♪ That we've kept ♪ ♪ Through our lives ♪

♪ But love ♪

♪ Love will tear us ♪ ♪ Apart again ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ Love will tear us ♪ ♪ Apart again ♪