Original subtitles

The "Today" show?

We are talking to Pulitzer Prize-winning author

Lindy Littlejohn about her sensational new short story.

Reality check, you didn't fucking write it.

You know, everything I write provokes someone.

I'm acting perfectly normal!

Maybe control is his love language.

You ran out saying someone could be dead.

Yeah, Lindy is-- Lindy is having a hard time.

As our size decreased,

our proportional strength increased.

This is your time.

Tell me it's my turn.

My turn is yet to win me the Nobel.

The Nobel?

How can I trust you

if you're gonna expose me like that?

Don't trust me then!

So the seizures have nothing to do with miniaturization?

Completely unrelated.

Lindy?

Right here, Les.

And I can take care of myself.

Lindy? Is that you?

She was going to leave me. It was an accident.

Until you are honest, you are fucked.

She left us, didn't she?

Lindy was on the "Today" show this morning.

What? What? What?!

Truth is, I miniaturized you...

on purpose.

Whatever.

If I was Mom, what would my password be?

Oh, yeah.

"'Darling Daughter' by Lindy McMichael Littlejohn.

"What if I told you I spent nine months building a jail,

"only to sentence myself to a lifetime in prison?

"That, I've discovered, is what motherhood actually is.

"From her adorable baby's face, those demonic eyes stare out.

"Laughing at me. 'Yes,' she's saying,

"'I've ruined your fucking day again.'

"'Mommy!' She cries.

"Her voice a razor blade to my ears.

"I want her to call out for me.

"I wanna be there for her.

"I want my maternal instinct to kick in.

"Why won't it?

"I dream of a life without a daughter,

"sucking at the teat of inspiration,

"preventing me from being...

"fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck."

Fuck. Mom hates me.

♪ Maybe it's much ♪ Too early in the game ♪

♪ But I thought ♪ ♪ I'd ask you just the same ♪

♪ What are you doing ♪ ♪ New Year's... ♪

Got your invitation.

A New Year's Eve brunch for me?

I mean, I'm honored.

But what, uh, what prompted this?

A new perspective.

Huh.

I'm embracing my six-inch self.

But I realized I've been kind of a jerk.

Hey, jerk is strong, given the circumstances.

See? You've been nothing but kind, Richard.

And I wanted you to know,

I am grateful for you and your company.

"The course of true love never did run smooth."

Shakespeare. - No.

New year, new me.

I'm sorry. - Mom always says,

it's never too late to begin again.

Oh, your mom.

So wise. - Right?

To new beginnings.

You know what else my mom said--

Should we eat?

It's just gonna get cold, I think.

- Okay. - Okay.

Oh.

A tremendous success.

Subject expanded to regular size

and stabilized for two minutes and 3.3 seconds.

An increase of one minute and 32.7 seconds!

all: Yes! - Whoo! Science progress!

Yeah! Oh.

- Well done. - Yeah! Great job.

- That is well done. - Great job.

- Well done. - Yeah. Slowing the reaction

down, way, way down helped, um...

Yes. The, uh, nuclei need time...

Yeah. - ...which is acceptable...

Yes. - ...to form stronger bonds.

Yes. Uh, it's fundamental to--yes,

for those fragile--uh, to cement those connections.

The--or, uh, alliances.

- Yes. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. - Yes.

Are we talking about science?

Yes, Hilton.

We're always talking about science.

This is a lab of science.

Okay. Well, I heard a bang, and then, there was, like,

a cheer of release, so my mind went there.

It was in my head. Is there good news?

It was a big win, yes.

Slowing the expansion of the corn

mitigated the molecular disequilibrium, yes.

Translation, it's remarkable progress.

Fuck yeah. We should celebrate.

I'm having a New Year's Eve shindig tonight at my place.

Gonna be amazing food, crazy guest list,

and you are all invited.

Wait, it's New Year's Eve?

Uh, I can't go. Uh, it's my anniversary.

Oh. Just bring Lindy.

It'll be great to see her again.

Well, well, uh...

I only organize fantastic parties.

You gotta come. Done. Set. Happy.

See you all there.

Whoo!

Translation, see you all there means Les only.

And you can't say no.

Do you think you'll bring Lindy?

Um, I don't know.

I mean, I--it's--uh, I don't know.

Lindy [on recording]: Hey, I've done a lot of thinking,

and I'm embracing my six-inch self

so, New Year, new me.

I forgive you for shrinking me on purpose.

Meet me in the dollhouse.

I have an anniversary surprise for you.

woman: Oh, the missus?

She left.

Was she mad?

woman: She had two glasses of wine and left.

So she was mad.

Maybe disappointed.

That's worse. Isn't it?

Happy New Year.

woman: Charlie, what's happening?

He shouldn't be alone right now.

man: Let him go.

Hi.

Hi.

- Hey, Lindy. - Hey, Les.

Happy anniversary.

It's okay. Lay into me. I...

I deserve it.

You do.

But I understand.

You do?

You're caught up in your work.

And when you're in it,

you can lose track of birthdays, holidays.

I know I do. Did.

You supported me in the way I needed it,

so I'm supporting you.

- Okay. - Uh-hmm.

So I was mad.

I mean, I was alone in a restaurant

on New Year's Eve.

But then, I came home and I got cozy,

and I was gonna watch the ball drop with Lulu,

but she won't come out of her room.

Probably something to do with Steffy.

And so, I opened up a bottle

of your do-not-touch-until-never wine.

And now I feel better.

I love you.

I love you too.

Feel free to apologize profusely.

- Yeah. - And maybe next time

bring me those chocolates I like from the drugstore.

I am sorry and I apologize profusely for, um,

disappointing you and for forgetting our anniversary.

I forgive you.

- It's, like, the big box. - Yeah.

- Well, happy anniversary. - Happy anniversary.

All right. All is forgiven.

Lindy?

Oh, Lindy...

Lindy?

You got me intrigued.

Happy anniversary, honey!

Happy anniversary.

Oh, you remembered!

What is that?

Your surprise.

Oh. I--it's not what you think, Les.

It's exactly what you think.

Uh, Richard? Is that really you?

Yeah.

Richard Paul Wear

from your fucking lab.

This is not how I foresaw us having this conversation.

You and him--and her? What?

You thought we would have a conversation?

What? - One day.

As gentlemen.

- How long? - Forever.

Six and a half months. Barely.

- Uh, why him? - He's not you!

It was a chance encounter. Um, but you have--

Lindy, how could you? Because I...

I told you the truth.

I poured my heart out to you.

I was vulnerable. And now this? Why? Why?

I did it... on purpose!

On purpose?

Yeah, he knows why.

But you forgave me.

I lied!

How dare you. How dare me?

So, you can lie, leave a voice note, and what?

You're Abraham Lincoln?

You baited me on a voice note,

and then you exploited our wedding anniversary,

and then you reveal you're having an affair

with my physicist?

How is that the same?

It's not. It's meant to be worse!

I was lying to be kind...

- No, no. - ...to spare your feelings.

A lie is a lie!

As someone who has been lied to as well.

- You! You're my colleague. - Yes.

That's my wife. - I know.

Richard, what in the name of science?

Like, what the... fuck?!

What the fucking fuck?!

Fuck!

This is not fucking funny!

You're holding a pillow over your tiny junk.

It's so tiny.

You're both so tiny.

Oop, there's the tiny bum.

That's so cute. Fuck you!

I am gonna fucking kill you!

- Oh, yeah? Try. - I'm fucking--you're a liar!

You lied! - What's that?

Did you say something? - I--fuck you!

You made me this way! I fucking hate you!

- I think you dropped this. - Fuck you!

Are you tap dancing?

No. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Hey, hey, I think this has gone far enough.

You know what, Richard?

I think you're right.

Hold on.

This is not good. - Oh, you think? You think?

I can't believe you did this on purpose.

On purpose? Why would you do that?

- You don't--Richard, hey, hey. - Oh, my God. I feel sick.

- This is not about you, okay? - Where is my mom?

Oh, no!

No! Richard!

Les, Les, we gotta talk about this.

Les, please.

No man could've resisted

the siren song of that woman.

The beguiling web she weaved.

The hypnotic allure of that brunch.

She deceived me! She deceived both of us!

No.

You deceived me, Richard, for six and a half months.

We share thoughts, we share science.

We do not share my wife.

Les, I'm sorry. Nothing happened between us.

I...

Okay, you're squeezing kind of tightly.

Les.

Please. Okay.

Oh, where are we going?

Les, no, no, no. No, no, no. Les.

Hello, Dolores. Les, please.

Les. No. Les, you can't do this.

Please. Les. Les!

Les, no! No, please!

Les. Les. Les, no, no, no.

No! No!

No! Please, stop!

Oh, I think I'm gonna throw up.

Please, in the name of science!

How dare you blaspheme science?

- No, no. - On top of everything else.

No! Please! No, no.

Meet your new playmate, pretty bird.

- Please, no. - His name is Fuck You.

I don't wanna play with a bird.

I don't wanna play with a bird.

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, my God, no!

It's, uh, Dolores, right?

Good birdie. Good birdie.

Hey.

Oh. Uh, the pen.

Is the pen truly mightier than the sword?

En garde!

I'm coming, Richard. I'm coming.

Oh.

Shit.

Okay. Okay.

Oh, what is he doing?

What is that?

Shut the fuck up, Space Anus.

Live in darkness.

Richard?

Richie!

Richard!

Richie.

Richard!

Richie!

Richard! Where are you?

Richie? I'm sorry.

I know this is all my fault.

Oh, fuck.

That is a lot of texts.

Wait.

What?

No. Oh, my God.

What is she...?

Good morning. We recently featured

Pulitzer Prize-winning author Lindy Littlejohn

on the Read with Jenna segment of our show.

We've learned Lindy's been accused of plagiarizing

her recently published New Yorker short story,

"Untitled on Purpose."

The shocking allegation originated from an unexpected

and personal place, a viral TikTok video

posted by the author's own daughter...

...Louise Littlejohn.

So, my mom is a, quote, "successful writer," unquote.

- Lulu! - She wrote one book

150 years ago.

Anyway, this week, out of nowhere,

Mom drops a short story in The New Yorker?

And everyone loses their [bleep] over it.

Well, I'm gonna let you in on a big secret.

My mom didn't write it.

She stole it from one of her students.

What the actual fuck? The truth is, my mom

doesn't even write anymore.

She spends her days watching Housewives

and making fake Paris Review accounts

so she can [bleep] talk other writers.

You...

We were unable to reach Lindy Littlejohn

directly for comment, but we were able to reach

the author's mother, Diane McMichael Jones,

who is widely suspected to have inspired

the mother character in her daughter's

Pulitzer Prize-winning debut novel,

My Rainbow Starts with Black.

No, I have no comment.

Except to say,

I haven't read Lindy's little story.

But I will say, I didn't care for her portrayal

of the mother character in her novel.

The real crime is that Lindy made me out

to be a terrible mother, which I'm not.

What a wild, unexpected turn

for Lindy Littlejohn.

We'll continue to follow this story

and keep you updated as it develops.

Lulu [on video]: I'm gonna let you in on a big secret.

My mom didn't write it.

She stole it from one of her students.

The truth is, my mom doesn't even write anymore.

She spends her days watching Housewives

and making fake Paris Review accounts

so she can shit talk other writers.

St. Lulu DeLulu.

Oh, sorry. I didn't hear my name.

I didn't call it.

I want to bring it to you personally.

Oh.

Okay. Thank you.

barista: I also have a complicated

relationship with my mother.

Here, a cakepop, on me.

I hope you like vanilla.

- Thank you. - Thank you, St. Lulu DeLulu.

♪ This time of night ♪ ♪ Feels like ♪

♪ I'm losing my mind to find ♪

♪ The smell of blood ♪ ♪ In my dreams ♪

♪ Darkness and silence bring ♪ The fear in your eyes ♪

Here's to us.

I thought you were bringing an us.

No, fuck that us.

New Year, new Les.

Wow, who knew? Hey!

No Lindy tonight?

No, no, she's at home, under a blanket,

not in a party mood, no.

Oh. Well, I can't say I blame her.

Uh, that interview turned into quite the Greek tragedy.

But you can tell me.

I won't tell anyone other than everyone.

Did she do it? Plagiarize the story?

Oh, I don't know.

What? I don't know.

Right answer. Deny, deny, deny.

All set for tonight?

Everything is in place. Great.

General Henderson: Hilton. - Oh, General.

- May I have a word? - Oh, of course.

Looking forward to the party trick.

- Party trick? What? - A performance.

There are several important private equity investors here

that Hilton would love to impress

with a preview of your tech.

Absolutely not.

I am a scientist, not a party clown.

You know the tech is incomplete. What am I supposed to do?

Fake it? No.

It's just a preview, short and sweet.

The corn is small, ta-da.

The corn is big, ta-da. End of story.

- It's fraud. - It's sales.

It's my ass in prison is what it is.

I've already got a journalist poking around the lab,

asking questions about Bob the Explainer's

MedBot brother-in-law.

What's to stop Nils exposing me?

Let me worry about Nils and your ass.

It is one worth saving.

Tonight, the only thing on your mind

should be Nobel.

Nobel?

Nobel.

Do you see what I see?

That's Dr. Emil Schaffhausen.

Nobel Prize recipient

and current committee member.

Chair, in fact.

Oh, I did my postgraduate work

on Dr. Schaffhausen's Theory of Entanglement Swapping.

He is a bona fide science genius.

Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

Just imagine what the support of a man like that

would do for your career.

It's just a preview,

short and sweet, small and big.

Ta-da.

Hey, why are you here?

Why are any of us here?

Oh, God. Is this where we are?

Um, well, everyone else is, uh, down the hall,

getting drunk as hell, watching the tourists

in Times Square freeze their asses off.

We're doing a shot every time a police horse takes a dump.

I need something different in my life.

What's this?

Something different.

- Did you open this? - No--yes.

It's my job. My eyes, then yours.

Oh, fuck!

What do I do?

It's him. I know it.

- You answer it. - You answer it.

It's your job.

I'm actually off the clock, so you answer it.

Fuck.

Okay.

Hello, this is Terry.

Yeah, it's me. - It's Lindy.

Oh, I'm not missing this shit show.

Your phone is off.

For just this reason.

You're hiding from me because you failed me.

No, no, no, no, no.

You failed me.

What happened to do nothing, say nothing?

You don't understand.

I am so small.

I needed something.

Well, you're about to get smaller.

Lindy, the damage has been done.

The Pulitzer committee is meeting

and there's talk of rescinding your award.

What? No.

No, not--no, they can't.

They can. And they most likely will.

But...

but what am I without it?

A former client.

Terry...

Brutal but warranted.

Lindy, I tried. I really tried,

but I'm somehow still clean in this, this, this...

Shit storm, shit sandwich, a shitnado.

...shitnado.

I warned you, Lindy,

and you chose Jenna over me.

Over our friendship, our partnership.

I can't--I can't believe I'm saying this,

but I, I...

I'm officially cutting ties with you.

Terry...

please. No.

Please don't leave me. I...

I have no one.

I am totally alone here.

I, uh--my own mother, my daughter, my husband,

Les fuckin' hates me.

Uh, it is truly over between us now,

and I can't lose you, too.

I'm sorry it's come to this.

Hey, you had to. I know it's hard.

I'll miss her, too.

Oh, um, Ms. Holden, Happy New Year.

Nothing happy, nothing new.

Why did you offer a Jackie Baldwin

a six-figure book deal when I've seen no Jackie,

no book, no email, no proposal?

Cyd, she is the next big thing.

Yeah, well, you better hope so.

No Lindy, no Jackie, no imprint.

Love the top.

Paper trail, you're unclean.

So are you.

Fuck.

Yeah.

Now, I need a volunteer.

Sir.

That's fantastisch. That's wonderful.

The corn has been miniaturized

into what appears to be one-tenth its original size.

One-twelfth, to be precise.

And now...

I did not expect...

- Two-minute warning. - Not now.

These are serious implications, you know.

You must be-- - Dr. Littlejohn,

it's been an explosive evening.

Sir, uh...

Quick, the corn, go.

Here we are. I was just saying

to, um, Dr. Schaffhausen, who was expecting an explosion,

how clever it was that we mitigated the explosion

by storing the exothermally generated energy

on a subatomic level.

Yes, it was an explosive...

...discovery.

To an explosive New Year!

man: Yeah!

I've hit rock bottom.

It's all fucking gone.

What is the point?

Richie, you're alive.

Oh, my God.

No, no, no. You disgust me.

I-I mean it. I'm disgusted.

It consumes me.

My heart, my mind, my soul, everything hurts.

Richie. Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

But I-- - But...

- Well, but-- - But...

a true apology should never include a qualifier.

You're right.

I'm sorry. No but.

What I did was inexcusable.

I had no idea Les was gonna react like that.

I didn't think it through. I...

I suppose a reaction of that magnitude

couldn't have been predicted.

I, uh, I need you...

now more than ever.

You have no idea what has happened to me.

- What happened... - I--

...to you?

Uh, yeah. The--this--

I have the floor.

Okay.

I'm gonna finish my monologue.

Of course.

I was forced to do unspeakable things

to one of God's beloved creatures.

I was coerced into abandoning my moral code

and playing a part in your marital folly,

but I am not above reproach.

I am guilty on two counts.

One, in the name of love,

and the other, in the name of science.

I believe in Les.

I believe he'll solve the restoration formula

before his 30-day deadline.

And I will beg him...

to forgive me,

then I will throw myself at the mercy of science

in the hopes of being restored to my regular size.

Did you say 30-day deadline?

- That is what you heard? - No.

No, I heard, uh-- I heard it all.

The folly, and the Les, and the--uh, but what--

- But? - But...

- But? - But what the fuck

is the 30-day deadline?

According to the contract,

Les has 30 days to solve the formula

or he's fired and the tech reverts to Hilton.

He has 22 days left.

He only ever had 30 days?

And now he only has...

- Twenty-two. - Oh, my God.

Oh, it's closer to 21, actually.

Another fuckin' lie!

Oh, my golly. Right?

No. - Wait. Where are you going?

- I need space from you. - Okay. But...

I'm getting my own place.

Fucking Les.

He's gonna pay for this.

Lindy [on recording]: What kind of monster

makes a horrible TikTok video about their own mother?

You are a spoiled child and a lying liar.

Whoo, Mommy mad.

If you thought that was crazy,

wait until you hear DJ Todd's remix!

Yo, mic drop. Mic drop!

crowd [chanting]: Mic drop! Mic drop!

♪ Liar, liar, lie, liar ♪

♪ Liar, liar, lying liar, ♪

♪ Liar, lie, lie, liar ♪

♪ Monster, monster ♪

♪ Liar, liar... ♪ - Mic Drop.

- Hey, want a shot? - Yeah. Okay.

♪ Monster, monster ♪

♪ What kind of monster ♪

♪ Makes a horrible ♪ ♪ TikTok video ♪

♪ About their own mother? ♪

♪ You are a spoiled child ♪

♪ And a lying liar ♪

♪ What kind of monster... ♪

Who are you?

- What? - Who are you?

I don't recognize you.

I'm St. Lulu DeLulu.

You got half that right.

Hey, I read the book.

How fuckin' Lindy was my move?

- Very. - See?

I think you missed the point.

That was the point.

Want another drink?

- Sure, boss. - Me too!

Pace yourself, DeLulu.

Can I fuckin' help you?

I don't want your help.

Wow, judgment from the shirtless wonder.

- She's your mom. - She's a liar.

You'll regret it.

Fuck that.

I am her literal regret.

Well, you sure are living up to that title, aren't you?

♪ Pull me places ♪ ♪ To the end of the... ♪

You good?

I'm peeing.

You're scrolling.

Fuck off, Tarzan.

No one made you come here.

My bladder made me come here.

You think you're so clever.

I know you came here tonight to see me.

Yeah, says the guy who followed me into the bathroom?

What if I did? Does that frighten you?

A little.

Did you buy that?

I kinda wanted to. Is that bad?

Kind of.

But you kinda liked it.

You did. You followed me in here.

Busted.

Lindy.

Lindy.

Guess who's getting his big prize.

Guess who's gonna open a bottle

of not-to-be-opened-never? Me.

Oh, it's--Richard.

Richard?

Dolores? Richard.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh.

Is that blood?

Whose blood?

Oh, is that-- is that human flesh?

God. Richard?

Richard?

Richard, I'm--I'm--I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I--

Richard, I was angry and I was hurt

and I thought a few pecks would even the score.

Richard?

Richard, please.

Please, Richard, reveal yourself.

Lind-- Lindy?

Lindy? Lindy. It's all a dream, all a dream.

Have I killed a man?

A man of science, no less.

Are you Anonymous?

That is the only way this works.

Okay.

I'm not used to the whole cloak-and-dagger routine.

You know, it's Scientific American.

Do you know who I am?

Yeah, you're... Anonymous.

You passed.

Drive.

Hoo.

- Richard. - Janet.

Happy New Year.

Happy New Year to you, too.

Uh, what happened to your head?

Oh, I just--I had an altercation with a bird.

On the farm?

Yeah, something like that.

So, listen.

I just wanted to say

thank you for the quill pen.

It, um, saved my life.

Oh, well, the pen is mightier than the sword.

I can attest to that.

Where are you?

I'm at the lab, in the creepy basement.

Uh, here to reboot the, uh, thermal energy tank.

You drew the short straw again?

Uh-hmm.

Bob should've stepped up.

Oh, yeah. It's... It's okay. I was, um--

I was out anyway.

Ohh? You on a date?

No, no.

I was, um-- it was a work event.

You wouldn't guess where.

Tell me everything.

It was at Hilton's mansion.

He invited all of us,

me and the Bobs-- Well, not the Bobs so much.

Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Oh. Oh.

Oh, fuck. Oh. Oh.

Happy New Year, Les.

Oh!

Where's Richard?!

Who knows? Weren't you the last one to see him?

How's the formula coming, huh?

What have you got, 22 days left?

Or is it technically 21 now?

Lindy...

Either way, I bet you're so close.

Make that the epitaph of my tiny headstone, fucker.

I didn't wanna tell you

'cause I didn't wanna worry you.

And I'm not worried!

I've accepted.

You can't solve the formula.

I will solve the formula! Fuck you!

You lie even to yourself.

I've made peace with being six inches tall.

I even kinda like it.

And I plan to make the next 21 days of your life

a living hell.

What? Why?

Careful, sweetie.

Your ass is on fire.

Oh, God.

I've created a tiny monster.

Oh! Oh, no.

The stars have claimed one of their own.

It's been an honor, Space Colonel.

Oh.

What the fuck?

Where...

where...

I'll see your tiny cat, Dr. Littlejohn.

And raise you a tiny,

silenced reporter.

Ta-da.

♪ Let's dance ♪

♪ Let's dance ♪

♪ Let's dance ♪

Put on your red shoes ♪ ♪ And dance the blues ♪

♪ Let's dance ♪

♪ To the song ♪ ♪ They're playing ♪

♪ On the radio ♪

♪ Let's sway ♪

While color lights up ♪ ♪ Your face ♪

♪ Let's sway ♪

Sway through the crowd ♪ ♪ To an empty space ♪

♪ Let's dance, let's dance ♪

♪ Let's dance, let's dance ♪

♪ Let's dance ♪

♪ Let's dance ♪