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[Kevin] Ladies and gentlemen, Happy Halloween!

And welcome to RiffTrax Live, House on Haunted Hill!

Featuring our special guest, Paul F. Tompkins.

And now please welcome your riffers for the evening, Bill Corbett,

Kevin Murphy, and Michael J. Nelson!

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[Bill] Get over here.

[Mike] Oh! Thank you very much. You're very kind.

[Bill] Happy Halloween! [Kevin] Happy Halloween!

(applause) [Kevin] Wow!

[Mike] Welcome, welcome.

To RiffTrax Live, House on Haunted Hill. I'm Mike Nelson. (cheers)

[Kevin] I'm Kevin Murphy. (cheers)

[Bill] And I'm Vincent Price. (cheers) AKA Bill Corbett.

[Kevin] And tonight, I'm also, Medusa. Or. A gorgon if you will.

[Bill] I uh? I don't think I will, actually.

[Mike] No, no. I don't uh?

[Bill] Well explain to us if you can, how does the whole?

I mean you have the snakes on the outside

and they're kind of wriggling around up here.

[Kevin] Menacing. [Bill] What happens underneath the skull?

[Kevin] Well, um.

[Bill] I mean are they wriggling around there and tickling your brain, and uh?

[Kevin] Well,

[Bill] Like eliminating, and? [Kevin] No. Oh! In my skull???

[Bill] All right, let's move on. Mike, what are you supposed to be here?

[Mike] I'm not really into the whole halloween, thing.

So actually, I don't ever dress up.

[Kevin] You don't have to. [Bill] It's just uh?

[Mike] I mean sometimes in the fall, I grow my hair out a little bit.

(laughter) Maybe that's the vibe, I'm giving.

[Bill] Apparently you grow sunglasses from your eyeballs as well.

[Mike] How's the hair?

[Kevin] Okay now, Bill. Justify yourself.

[Bill] I went with the classic. I'm a sexy kitten. Okay? (cheers)

[Mike] Can we get a little?

[Bill] I'm sexy! I'm sexy! All right?

[Mike] Could we get a little meow? Or?

[Bill] Uh? Yeah. I'll do that on the way out.

I don't want to overwhelm the poor people.

But you know what? For extra sexiness, a tail.

(cheers) [Mike] I think you're actually supposed to wear that?

[Kevin] Yeah, you're supposed to put it on.

[Bill] You don't want to pour it on too much. But if you need it, it's here everybody.

[Kevin] Won't even shake your tail for us?

(audience groans) [Bill] You'd be very sorry if I did.

[Mike] It's for the best. folks. It's for the best. (Kevin laughs)

[Mike] But we have a full slate of fun stuff.

We have of course, our special guest, Paul F. Tompkins is here.

(cheers) Very excited about that. [Kevin] That'll be a lot of fun.

[Mike] He will be joining us in just a little bit.

We have some fabulous shorts. And of course, House on Haunted Hill.

This first one though. We, uh?

We found a weird one here, didn't we?

[Bill] We did indeed. Yes. [Kevin] Big surprise.

[Bill] Well this one is about. You know? My primal fears.

It's about witches. [Mike] Of course.

[Bill] Very halloweeny thing of course. You know, not everybody likes witches.

[Mike] The warts, the spells, the devil worship.

[Kevin] The legs. [Bill] I have no problem with that.

It's actually the uh? Their tendency to pop up in grocery stores.

Out of nowhere. You know what I'm talking about don't you? (laughter)

[Kevin] Come on.

[Bill] They pop up in grocery stores, and they start haranguing you

about how you have to spend less money,

and you should bargain shop.

[Kevin] And as luck would have it. [Bill] Scary witches.

[Kevin] We have a short about that very subject [Mike] Yes.

[Bill] What a coincidence.

[Kevin] So here go. [Mike] Let us roll Magical Disappearing Money.

[Kevin] Magical Disappearing Money.

(applause)

[Kevin] Hey! Nice melons! [Bill] Well, I never!

[Kevin]No! I was talking about the boobs-the fruits! I was. [Bill] Cut your losses.

♪♪♪ [Bill] When witches get the munchies. (laughter)

[Bill] Is that a witch, or Peter Frampton in a floral house dress? (laughter)

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Magical Disappearing Money!

Or the story of the trillion dollar stimulus package! Thank you!

(applause) [Bill] Politics.

[Mike] Kids! Grab another grocery cart! Breaded zucchini's on sale!

(Kevin and Bill) Hooray!

♪♪♪ [Bill] I'm gonna get my pickup truck, so I can load up on breaded zucchini!

♪♪♪ [Mike] An average trip to the corner

grocery store explodes across the silver screen.

[Kevin] Thrill as a shopping list is consulted!

♪♪♪

[Bill] Can you keep your seat, as different brands of box cereals are considered?

(laughter) I think not.

[Mike] Need something with a lot of fiber.

[Bill] Poor kid. Oh! Dear, dear! No! not sugared cereal.

[Kevin] Try vinegared cereals!

[Bill] Terrifying. Not instant oatmeal.

[Bill] You'll turn into Wilford Brimley! (laughter)

[Mike] Beard completer? Worth a shot. (applause)

(applause) No.

[Kevin] I hope by "no", she's referring to the twin fuzzy head balls.

[Bill] Fuzzy head balls.

You've spent too much. You're buying wrong things.

[Bill] I'll just have to drag you to hell.

[Mike] Your soul is mine!

(laughter) [Bill] See?

[Kevin] Help! They locked me in the milk freezer! Oh lady, thank god!

Give me a hand with! Lady! Help! Help! Aggh!

(laughter) I've got to do something!

[Bill] Could start by running a comb through that rat's nest of yours.

Suggestion. (boing!)

[Kevin] Whoa! I just grew a tail! [Bill] Huh?

[Mike] Ahh! Letting go is not an option for some reason!

(laughter)

[Bill] Obey me! Gesundheit! Uh thank you!

Well, I have to show you! I just have to!

[Kevin] No no! This is a family show! Don't!

[Bill] Witches gone wild. (boing!)

[Mike] Be right back. Just have to possess a little girl,

and throw a priest out a window. (laughter)

[Bill] Huh? Huh? Hmm? What?

(laughter) Here I am!

[Bill] Duh! (laughter)

[Kevin] She's a witch! Burn in hell! [Bill] Burn her!

Mustn't get tricked into buying all those pretty packaged foods.

Oh my! That box of cereal!

[Mike] For that, you shall die.

This? What's wrong with that cereal?

He likes that kind. Achoo! But the cost!

[Bill] Think of the breaded zucchini you could buy with that!

Now you're paying 47 cents for sugar coated cereal,

when regular cereal costs about half as much!

But I like it with sugar.

Oh. Well, add your own, then.

[Kevin] But I don't like that kind.

[Bill] Oh. Well who cares what you want? Just do it. The witch.

Oh and oatmeal. The price they get for oatmeal is outrageous.

[Mike] She's right. I don't deserve oatmeal.

An individual serving, it's really costing you about 71 cents a pound.

Imagine! I don't like oatmeal. Oh.

[Kevin] Good. Because you'll never afford it, kid.

Packages are just too much.

[Bill] Satan's oats only cost you your soul!

If you cook it yourself, it costs about half as much.

How about that?!

[Mike] Finally, a friend. (laughter)

And rice! Ah! My! Look what you're paying for fancy seasoned rice.

You must like rice.

[Kevin] You fancy seasoned idiot!

(buzz) Hey. Far out!

[Bill] Made that rice disappear quicker than Jonah Hill at a chinese buffet.

(laughter) Sorry Jonah.

Here they are. [Mike] Thank you, purse slaves.

You bought both seasoned rice, and plain rice. But look at the difference in price.

Seasoned rice cost over a dollar a pound! [Kevin] Rockefeller!

While the plain rice is less than a quarter a pound.

For a little seasoning in a fancy package.

[Bill] Her hatred of fanciness cannot be overstated. (laughter)

Sure you can. [Mike] Good child. Spread my dark gospel across the land.

(laughter)

Look at that! How about that?

[Kevin] Real cute. Now make with the free samples of summer sausage!

(laughter)

Oh milk! I mustn't forget to tell you about milk!

Milk. Ah! [Bill] Ugh! She's pumping it from her arm pit! (groans)

If you want to save money, powdered milk is just as good as regular milk.

Especially good for cooking.

[Mike] Powdered milk. Not just for war time conditions anymore.

(laughter) [Kevin] You know, she's pretty pathetic, but not nearly

as creepy as the witch who lives in the adult video store.

[Mike] Oh yeah, yeah.

(buzz)

[Bill] What the?? Come on!

I was about to make it with a lonely housewife.

One! Oh hi, Fred. I told you to stay home.

[Mike] She feeds me nothing but rotting garbage. I'm always sick! Ugh!

[Bill] Doggy! Ha!

Here's a really good buy. Just add water, and you have a quart of milk

for about a 1/4 of the cost of regular milk.

[Bill] And it tastes like chalky vomit. (laughter)

And pudding. I almost forgot. Here it is!

[Mike] Is it okay to have pudding if I don't eat my meat? (laughter)

Fancy packages again!

[Kevin] Meanwhile, Fred the cat makes his escape.

[Bill] I can haz freedom? (laughter) Oh! You nerds!

(Mike laughs) Look what you're paying for!

[Mike] Let us get on with our lives! [Bill] Please! I have a family!

This bowl of pudding costs exactly the same

to make as one of these pudding cups.

[Kevin] And it's so convenient for your bag lunch.

Okay, let's take a packaged pudding.

Does it taste as good as pudding cups? (ding)

[Bill] There is no spoon. (laughter) Oh wait! There is a spoon. Sorry.

Misunderstanding. Okay mom. We can get this kind.

[Paul] I like things that taste like crap now!

[Kevin] She broke him down. Now I might as well warn you.

That frozen zucchini they're advertising? [Kevin] 80% wood chips.

My turn!

[Bill] No, mutton chops guy. I'm afraid life will never give you a turn.

[Mike] Please! Whatever you're thinking, don't do it! Oh god! No!

Oh hell is hot! May I have your zucchini please?

[Kevin] Wow! (buzz) (ding!) Frozen foods are so expensive.

I mean they really are. I like this trick.

[Bill] I'm gonna retire on it in Branson.

Bread crumbs! [Kevin] Ugh.

They put on so many bread crumbs and charge twice as much for it.

[Mike] My god! They're worse than Hitler! (laughter)

[Bill] Easy, (indistinct). Now that I have plain zucchini,

I'll compare it to the fresh zucchini.

[Kevin] Zucchini comparison! The motion picture!

Ah. (laughter)

[Bill] Ah ha ha! Someone save us! (laughter)

Goodie! Balances! I always loved this trick.

I don't get it.

[Mike] Why would someone eat zucchini?

Here we have 9 ounces of frozen zucchini, and 9 ounces of fresh zucchini.

Now the frozen zucchini is 42 cents a package.

With the bread crumbs, of course.

I still don't get it. [Kevin] Look, let me finish, you brain dead punk!

Frozen zucchini is forty two cents for nine ounces.

At 29 cents a pound for fresh zucchini, nine ounces is only 16 cents!

[Bill] I don't get it.

You mean to tell me that a pound of frozen zucchini costs over two dollars?

[Bill] Chester A. Arthur, ladies and gentlemen. (laughter)

[Bill] Rare. I hope you're right.

[Mike] Oh. Oh god. What did I do?

Oh god! Clean up on aisle five! Ugh! So embarrassed!

(ding!) [Kevin] She disappeared! Just like daddy! (laughter)

[Bill] Ugh. Does anyone remember who they are?

Or what we were doing before this?

[Kevin] Where are we? [Bill] Civilization?

[Kevin] Help! [Bill] I have a family. I swear I do.

Look! [Mike] Join me in the abyss of savings! (laughter)

(indistinct) Here it is!

[Kevin] We'll get unsweetened Captain Crunch, and add our own crunch berries.

[Bill] Home grown. That cereal is only half as much as sugared cereal.

[Bill] As you explicitly stated not three minutes ago. Yes ma'am.

This costs a lot less than instant oatmeal.

[Mike] And it's just as depressing. (laughter)

Good! Good! Now they're getting it.

This costs a quarter of the price of fancy seasoned rice.

[Kevin] Uncle Ben's gonna have to cut a witch!

Here's powdered milk! Good choice, Jerry

That powdered milk costs a lot less than regular milk.

[Bill] You know drainage runoff is cheaper than everything here.

Where do you draw the line, you harpy?

(laughter) [Bill] Logic!

Pudding you cook yourself costs much less than pudding cups.

And it tastes just as good. Look!

[Mike] The witch is doing her Winona Rider impression!

(laughter) [Bill] Meow!

Costs only pennies compared to the frozen kind.

[Kevin] Be my new mommy!

(ding!)

[Bill] Well, true lesson here.

A lot of places will still let you buy cigarettes and booze with your food stamps.

I think that's the lesson.

♪♪♪ [Mike] Mommy?

Can the witch make Rover not be run over by a car anymore?

(applause)

[Kevin] You know, concept buying sounds nicer than idea crapped out buying.

♪♪♪ [Bill] Vote Christine O'Donnell.

(laughter) [Bill] On you! (applause)

[Kevin] There we go. The grocery witch! [Mike] The grocery witch!

[Bill] Grocery witch!

(applause) [Bill] Grocery!

[Kevin] Wow. That was horrifying. Everybody scared now?

[Mike] The uh? The second short we've selected,

is actually a little weird as opposed to this one.

(laughter)

[Bill] That was a stroll in the park.

[Mike] Yeah.

But another scary theme, in this one, is paper. One of the scariest.

[Kevin] That's right. [Bill] More terrifying of substances.

[Kevin] Think about it. Paper cuts! You know? Smearing!

You know, having to fold it! Agghhh!

[Mike] Take it easy big guy. [Bill] Down boy.

You know, I'm actually fairly terrified myself.

I think we need reinforcements for this one,

ladies and gentlemen. I think we need a 4th riffer.

[Mike] Yes. (applause) [Bill] The man for the job. (applause) [Kevin] We have one.

[Bill] Is none other than comedian, Paul F. Tompkins!

[Kevin] Bring him out! (applause) [Bill] We are delighted to have him here!

(applause) [Bill] Whoa!

(applause) [Mike] Paul. [Bill] Welcome Paul. [Paul] Thank you! Oh!

[Bill] Behind Kevin Murphy here.

(chatter) [Kevin] Great to see you. Thanks for coming!

[Paul] Thank you for having me. This is a dream come true.

[Mike] You are now, the easily best dressed man up here. Thank you.

[Kevin] That's for sure. That's for sure.

[Paul] I wasn't sure if I should dress nice or wear a costume?

So I did both. (laughter) And I am, of course the dark good humor man!

(applause)

[Mike] I hope you didn't pay too much for your good humor, though.

The witch would be all over you.

[Bill] Do you sell the same kind of good humor, dressed as that? As a dark?

[Paul] Yeah, it's just like melted, kind of.

[Bill] Got it, got it. I leave the door open from the freezer.

[Mike] Ugh! Ugh!

[Paul] You can read about it on my good humor fan fiction online. (laughter)

[Kevin] So you watched the first short?

Pretty scary for you? [Paul] It was very scary.

I think the scariest thing was how tired

the grocery witch was at the end of that.

She really looked worn out!

[Mike] Took it out of her!

[Paul] That magic is tough stuff. Wastes away at ya.

[Bill] Grocery witches die after they convert everyone. That's the way it works.

[Kevin] And are you a fan of scary movies?

[Paul] Well, I am.

Because I think we all like to be scared.

(pause) That's not true. (laughter)

But that is what dumb actors say when

they go on talk shows to promote a scary movie.

Because the host will say "Now why did you take this role in this scary movie?",

and the actor will say "Because we all like to be scared!".

No. We don't like to be scared. And I figured out why.

Because it is scary! (laughter) [Kevin] Fair enough. Fair enough.

[Paul] True! It's just facts. If you were walking down the street,

and someone sticks a gun in your face, you are not saying "This is awesome!"

(laughter)

"What a roller coaster ride!

I wish I had a savory snack to be eating right now." (Kevin laughs)

So I'm just. I'm done with.

I drew a line where I said I can't go to scary movies anymore.

And really what did it for me, was the one element

that is in 99% of all scary movies.

[Kevin] Grocery witches?

[Paul] What's that? I'm sorry. 98% of all scary movies.

It's that moment, where you've got your hero, right?

And he is the only one that is doing anything about all

these werewolves or whatever.

[Bill] Right. Yes, yes.

[Paul] There's a break in the action, he's by himself.

Finds himself in some building or other.

And he goes into a bathroom, and he opens the door to the bathroom.

There's a sink, and there's a mirror. Right?

Now this guy, all he wants to do, is he

just wants to splash some cold water on his face.

(laughter) [Bill] Of course! [Paul] And don't you think he's earned it, at this point?

[Kevin] Hell yeah!

[Paul] So he goes down.

You know, he like turns on the taps.

And he's about to put the cold water on his face.

Just before he does, he always looks in the mirror first,

always looks in the mirror first.

Establishing the mirror, looks in the mirror

as if to say "It's just you and me, buddy."

(laughter) It is nuts out there! All right, old friend.

Let's say we treat ourselves to a little cold water on the face?

[Bill] Best thing for the situation.

[Paul] What could be more relaxing at this point,

(laughter) than ice cold water directly on the face?

All right. All right, my buddy. I will see you on the other side!

(Mike laughs) [Paul] And he goes down, and he puts the water on his face.

And when he comes back up, hideous monster in the mirror behind him!!!!!

It gets me every single time! And I know it's coming!

Like as soon as I see the sink and the mirror, I'm like

"Oh sink! I know what's gonna happen!"

[Bill] Son of a! [Paul] Now look, I know that I'm a grown man, and movies are fake.

But, I have a bathroom. And in that bathroom there is a sink and a mirror.

[Bill] Yeah. Standard issue.

[Paul] Sometimes I'm alone in the house. But it's scary.

But then, I realized recently, I no longer have to be afraid of this.

When I realized that my bathroom

is too small for this to realistically happen. (laughter)

Right? [Bill] Ah ha! [Kevin] Good point.

[Paul] Yes. This is where my inability to be good

with money pays off. (laughter)

I live in a. So in order for a monster to achieve this effect,

the phrase "excuse me" would have to be used. (laughter)

Yes. [Kevin] Idling in there.

[Paul] Now, he has lost the element of surprise.

If I'm having some cold water, right? Because who knows what's going on in my day.

I'm just having some cold water, and then I hear (growling).

Excuse me? Can I just get by here? (Mike laughs)

Ah ha!!! (Kevin laughs) Look who it is!

You should have turned into a bat or something, stupid!

Get out of here! You are the worst monster!

Hey, I'm sorry about that "worst monster" crack. I didn't mean that.

(laughter) I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at the situation.

(laughter)

All right, I'll see you out there. Huh? I'm gonna kill ya!

So that's why I don't go to scary movies anymore. (applause)

[Bill] And that is what Halloween is all about, Paul. F. Tompkins.

(applause) [Kevin] All monsters end up being your bro,

[Paul] Yeah. Yeah. [Kevin] Bro-sters.

[Paul] Only me and that monster can understand what's it like out there.

[Kevin] I understand.

[Mike] We'd like to add to your list of things you're gonna be scared by with paper.

Yeah. This short we've prepared for you, uh.

Paper and I. [Bill] (softly) Did we prepare it actually?

[Kevin] Threw it together. That's right. Yes indeed.

[Mike] So why don't we go ahead? Let's roll "Paper and I".

[Kevin] Paper and I. [Bill] Paper and I.

(applause)

♪♪♪ [Paul] That's a lot of liquor on that nightstand. (laughter)

[Kevin] Wow. It always happens in a little boy's mind.

And then again, it may not. We leave it to you.

[Mike] In fact, why the hell did we even make this short?

You figure it out. I don't know.

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Ah, poor kid's addicted to huffing sandwich fumes.

(laughter) ♪♪♪

[Bill] Paper and I. The searing love story of our time!

♪♪♪

(Kevin hums) Willie? Willie?

You let me have it. Honey, it's time for you to go to sleep now.

[Paul] It's three in the afternoon.

[Bill] Poor kid. If you're well enough to go to school tomorrow.

Good night.

Get a good night's sleep.

[Mike] And whatever you do, don't say anything.

Just stare creepily into the middle distance. (laughter) ♪♪♪

Willie? [Paul] Uh oh. Oh, Willie?

[Kevin] Voices in your bedroom? These things NEVER end well. [Bill] They do not.

Here I am, Willie! Who are you? Thanks for saving my life, Willie.

Where did you come from? Gosh, Willie.

You mean, where was I born? Well I guess so.

[Bill] But before that, let me just say "Oh my GOD!!! What are you???!!!"

(laughter) Thousands of miles away. Across rivers and mountains and valleys.

(laughter) (thunder)

[Paul] Oh dear lord! the lightning hurts! Please just let me die!

[Mike] Not a chance, Willie!

All the way back to the forests of the south.

[Kevin] I should probably tell my parents. [Bill] I wrote them a note.

[Kevin] But you don't have any arms.

[Bill] Too late! We're already here, Willie.

[Paul] Watch out for that angry bear, Willie!

♪♪♪

Here I am Willie!

[Mike] I'm just serving some gruel to the other captured children. (laughter)

♪♪♪ [Bill] Willie. If you will.

♪♪♪ [Kevin] You'll never be rid of me, Willie!

[Bill] Ahhh! It's everywhere!

Here. this is where I was born. You're not a paper bag. You're a tree.

That's what I'm gonna tell you about.

When we're ready to be harvested, along comes the woodsman.

All through the southern forests, Willie. And pine and hardwood.

[Paul] He murdered countless of my brothers and sisters, Willie!

But only the tree.

[Mike] My god! The tree's talking! Burn this whole forest!

Leave nothing alive! (laughter)

Other trees can grow. Every few years.

[Kevin] Okay, Willie.

It's your turn to operated the giant,

spinning blade with no safety guard! (laughter)

Geez! [Bill] Look at that thing.

Mr. Paper Bag? It's morning, and I have to go to school.

[Paul] Just a few more hours, Willie! [Bill] Please, Mr. Paper Bag!

♪♪♪ [Bill] Oh. Now I'm sea sick, Mr. Paper Bag.

[Paul] Then barf over the side, Willie. Because I'm not taking you home!

(laughter) [Bill] Oh, Mr. Paper Bag!

Good bye Willie. [Mike] Stranded Willie in the forest. Paper Bag, you monster!

[Kevin] Damn you bag!

And now Willie is visited by the paper bag of christmas future.

(laughter) ♪♪♪

[Bill] And a young David Lynch suddenly realizes his destiny! (laughter)

(applause)

♪♪♪

[Paul] Paper bag, fill me with your dark magics.

(laughter)

Tomorrow I'd like each of you to have a little story prepared to tell your classmates.

You may choose any subject.

[Mike] But no stories about midnight visits by talking bags. [Kevin] Oh!!!

Time for bed, Willie.

[Paul] Good night, mom. Good night pops.

Enjoy a worthless night of unspoken resentments. (laughter)

[Kevin] Whoo. Bark! The way he holds onto that paper sack!

[Bill] Give you any ideas, honey? (laughter)

[Bill] What?? oh, what? (laughter)

(laughter)

[Mike] Well, this is kind of weird. But this is how I am with bacon, so.

Oh bacon. Ah, yeah. [Bill] Hi Mike!

[Kevin] Second star to the right, and straight on to!

[Mike] Until we get sued by Disney.

[Kevin] Oh yeah. [Bill] Ixnay, ixnay.

[Paul] Now I will show you your sins, Willie! (laughter)

Here I am Willie! In the mill yard.

[Bill] My god! They have arms now! They're learning and adapting! (laughter)

A lot of things, Willie. More than a little boy can imagine.

[Mike] Oh, please don't make him imagine it.

Let's go inside the paper mill. [Bill] No such luck.

A whole series of processes take place, Willie.

As we change from wood, to pulp, to paper.

[Paul] And then into a werewolf!

...where our skin is peeled clean. [Kevin] Ugh.

Then into the chipper.

[Kevin] Then a trip through the gonad jabber Willie! (laughter)

[Bill] Very specific.

Take it easy. Next, Willie, to the digester. The heart of the paper mill.

[Paul] The heart, known for its digesting. [Kevin] Right. (laughter)

[Bill] Exactly. Where we're cooked.

And when I say cook, I really mean cooked! [Mike] Did I mention we're cooked?

[Bill] Cooked. Cooked. Got it. Then we're washed.

Again, and again. [Kevin] Then cooked? Clean. Beaten.

[Kevin] It's an endless nightmare, Willie! (laughter)

Color and size are added to us, Willie. Before we're refined.

[Bill] And you end up as Dilbert's stationary. Can we speed it up?

99% water. We're ready for the wet ends of the (indistinct). Or, paper machine.

[Paul] The heart of the? [Bill] No, no.

Then, in these big rollers, we lose more water.

[Mike] Oh god! We've lost too much water!

We're gonna die, Willie!

[Bill] Ahhh! Into the machine, where even more water is squeezed out.

In the calender machine, we're ironed.

[Kevin] Well then call it the ironing machine.

[Bill] It's the heart of the paper mill.

Well, Willie. you've just seen how paper is made.

[Bill] Against your will! (laughter)

There are other processes to make pulp and paper

for different paper products.

Ever stop to think how many paper products there are, Willie?

[Paul] No. Willie just learned what sound a cow makes.

Magazines, books, wrapping paper, packaging material,

stationery, card board, tissues, towels. Etc. Etc.

Ever stop to think what the world would be like without paper, Willie?

[Mike] We'd do a lot more wiping with leaves! (laughter)

[Bill] Oh Mike. [Kevin] Ooooh! I dreamt I was really bored.

(laughter)

[Bill] Paper. Paper. Paper. Must kill parents. I mean paper.

(laughter)

[Paul] No. No breakfast for me, dear.

It cuts into valuable smoking time. (laughter)

(laughter)

What's the matter, Willie?

[Mike] Eh, it's just that Lassie died. Nothing. You know, Willie?

[Bill] He's everywhere!

Uses over 380 pounds of paper each year.

That's twice as much as in most countries.

[Kevin] Okay honey. You hold him down, I'll inject the lithium. You ready?

(laughter)

You know Willie, the south makes more than

half of all the wood pulp in the United States. (cheers)

(applause) [Bill] Really??

(laughter) [Paul] I guess it was in dispute. [Kevin] Yeah!

(laughter)

Ever stop to think about what the world would have been like without paper?

♪♪♪ [Bill] I missed the bus. (laughter)

And it had gray eyes, and my sister named it (indistinct).

[Kevin] Good, kid. But your report is on Delaware. (laughter)

Now, Willie. Go ahead, Willie. (laughter)

Remember what I told you.

[Bill] Yes, ahem. Jewish bankers and the queen of England

are in cahoots to bring down the world's currency market.

[Kevin] That'll do Willie! Sit down! (applause)

[Bill] The message of paper bag. Fine, and hard.

Thatta boy, Willie! Tell 'em!

[Paul] And if they don't believe you, set fire to them with your mind!

It's a two billion dollar industry. The third largest in the south.

120,000 people work in the forest and pulp mills of the south,

[Paul] Ah, wish I hadn't flunked out of med school.

Ever stop to think what the world would be like without paper?

[Bill] I'm Willie, and I approved this message.

(laughter) (Kevin makes monkey noises)

(laughter)

[Paul] So Willie hitchhiked to New York, in a pick up truck full of old mattresses.

[Bill] Became Don Draper.

♪♪♪ [Mike] Gah! Grocery witch! [Kevin] Hide your pudding cups!

[Bill] Guard your breaded zucchini!

[Paul] I wasn't here for that one!

[Kevin] Sorry. [Bill] Sorry Paul.

[Mike] Oh Willie. Don't bring a gun into the courthouse.

Soon, Willie discovered a whole new world of paper products.

[Paul] So he became a roofer.

Willie found out that some of our synthetics are made of wood pulp.

Rayon cord ties, rayon fabrics.

[Paul] Rayon, New Jersey. (laughter)

The paper in the great world of business.

[Mike] Good bye cruel world. Thanks, paper! (laughter)

[Kevin] Oh god. Lousy rat race. I need a drink.

[Bill] Had to lay off some people today.

Honey, where in the world have you been? Don't waste time, Emma.

Call Dr. Chadwick. The boy's sick again.

(laughter)

Paper bag. I don't know.

[Bill] Oh, why didn't we just say plastic at the grocery store? Our boy's a lunatic.

Take that paper bag away from him. It's just paper.

Goodness, you'd think the world would come to an end.

[Paul] Without paper? Is that what you were gonna say?

You'd like that, wouldn't you? I'll kill you where you sit!

(laughter) [Bill] Strong feelings on that, Willie.

(Paul fake sobs) They don't know how important paper is.

Nope, Willie. [Kevin] Gah! Aging faster than Amy Winehouse! (laughter)

Let's show them what the world would be like without paper.

Okay, Willie. I think we can work it!

[Bill] Sleep well, Willie. Tomorrow they will beg at our feet.

We'll show them nothing but scorn, for that's all they deserve. Paper haters.

And sure enough, in the morning,

some strange things began to happen in Willie's home.

[Paul] Floor food's good enough for my family.

[Mike] Aww, but I didn't finish Cathy. Gee, I hope she found a good swimsuit.

(laughter) [Kevin] Hum! De dum dum dum!

Gee, I sure love taking things for granted. Hum, de, dum dum!

Huh? Ella? What's going on?

[Bill] That's the reaction? Not full-throated screaming? (laughter) Help! Help!

[Paul] Oh the collapse of reality as we know it, is such a nuisance.

But outdoors, strange things were happening too.

[Mike] Oh no! Someone invented the internet!

(laughter) (applause)

(applause)

♪♪♪

[Bill] (humming) My giant toilet paper roll business is ruined!

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Huh? (laughter)

[Paul] Time to become Freddy Krueger.

[Mike] Hmm. This no paper thing isn't all bad.

World of business. No more paper work.

We sure showed them!

[Kevin] They paid for their arrogance in blood! (laughter)

Better get rid of me now, Willie.

I'm all tuckered out. [Bill] I'm dying, but I lived large.

No regrets. I drank deep man. Look!

[Paul] We'll blot out the moon, Willie! We're gods! (laughter)

Come with me, Wilie.

Thousands of miles away. Across rivers, mountains and valleys.

[Mike] Uh huh.

Come with me Willie! All the way back to the forests of the south.

[Mike] Shocking. You know, there are other places to fly, right Mr. Paper Bag?

[Bill] Forests of the south are nothing. Here I am Willie!

Here, Willie. How did you get there?

I was planted by the farmer. [Kevin] He planted a used paper bag?

[Bill] Eccentric fellow.

Of the south, sends a conservation forester, to help the tree grower, treat his trees.

[Bill] Trees are talking now. Whatever you say, sir. Get the net, man.

Working all of his wood land, for a continuous crop of trees.

Helping him get and plant seedlings like us.

On his worn out or abandoned land.

[Paul] Making him ride a silly clown tractor. (Kevin humming)

[Mike] Ah! My face! Ah! My! Ugh!

Removing wolf trees, so healthy, well spaced trees can grow.

[Kevin] Wondering why he planted wolf trees in the first place.

[Bill] Wolf trees.

Man made fires, that can take our lives, before we're fully grown.

[Bill] You burn us, we'll burn you. You got it?

We'll grow and grow. stronger and stronger.

[Paul] And then we will march on Saruman. (applause)

For the growers too.

[Kevin] Home now. And one more thing, Willie. [Kevin] He's Columbo!

All the needs of the nations.

Blow Willie. Blow. Yes honey. Blow!

[Bill] Be like Transformers Two. And blow! (laughter)

[Bill] Too easy.

Don't forget there'll be more and more paper bags after me.

More and more paper products, for the whole nation.

[Paul] I've so much more to teach you. Why!!!! Willie, why??

(laughter)

We'll leave it to you.

[Mike] Willie went on to work with grocery bags for the rest of his life at Albertson's.

[Bill] People tended to avoid him.

(applause) [Bill] Thank you. [Kevin] Paul. F. Tompkins.

(applause)

(applause)

[Kevin] Very funny man. [Bill] Yeah.

[Kevin] And I just wanted to mention that Paul came down here,

even though tomorrow is his wife Janie's birthday.

[Bill] Today. [Paul] My wife Janie's birthday is today!

And I wanted to say, since this is being simulcast to theaters

across the nation, happy birthday Janie.

Because she doesn't know that I'm here. I'm in Nashville, honey.

(laughter) [Bill] What a surprise.

[Kevin] Well, thank you for coming Paul. It's a pleasure of course.

[Bill] What a pleasure. Check out Paul F. Tompkins.

Burn! Simulcast! Burn!

(applause)

[Mike] It's. It's so sad, because he's not actually married. Really.

[Bill] But he wears that little wedding tuxedo all the time.

In hopes? It's really sweet.

[Mike] Very sweet.

[Kevin] Glad he's gone, huh?

[Bill] What a load? [Kevin] What the hell was that, anyway?

I hope he's not lurking back there?

[Bill] Not a chance.

[Mike] We have like, a movie or something to do, don't we?

(Bill and Kevin) We do.

(applause) [Kevin] You guys ready for this? (cheers)

[Kevin] Now.

I'm sure a lot of you know about this movie, House on Haunted Hill.

You know? Vincent Price, classic scenery, scary stuff, a theramin going.

And you know about William Castle's special

device that he used at the beginning of the movie.

I think it was called Magneto? Cerebro?

[Bill] Emergo!

[Mike] Emergo?

[Bill] And I think the idea was that they would fly out an inflatable skeleton on.

Sort of like, you know? Grocery.

[Kevin] Wire. [Mike] Wire.

[Bill] At the moments. I said grocery. What the hell was that about?

[Mike] It's the witch.

[Bill] Grocery witch is with me! Damn you, grocery witch.

Anyway, emergo is. Yeah, they would just float a skeleton around.

Theoretically scary.

Those of you around the country, who have inflatable skeletons,

start blowing them up now.

Get ready to terrify your neighbor.

[Kevin] Hold up your inflatable skeletons, folks. None?

We didn't prime them for this, did we?

[Mike] Come on! [Kevin] Oh well.

[Mike] All right. Well, let's do this. Let's get right into it.

It's a very funny movie.

[Kevin] House on Haunted Hill.

[Bill] Starring Vincent Price.

Allied Artists Corporation presents. Presents. [Kevin] Yeah?

[Bill] Present something, Allied Artists, dammit!

[Kevin] Don't leave us hanging!

Come on! (screaming)

[Kevin] Whoa! Someone just told her M. Night Shayamalan made anther movie.

(screaming)

[Bill] Who is still giving that man money to make movies? (screaming)

[Mike] Sounds like someone cracked up Homer Simpson?

(evil laughing) [Kevin] Majestic cinematography, don't you think?

(moaning) [Bill] Max Headroom's great uncle, Jerry Headroom. (laughter)

The ghosts are moving tonight. Restless. Hungry.

May I introduce myself? I'm Watson Pritchard.

[Kevin] Retired leprechaun.

In just a minute, I'll show you the only really haunted house in the world.

[Bill] It's haunted by squatting hobos.

Since it was built a century ago, seven people,

including my brother, have been murdered in it.

[Mike] He knows, because he murdered them. [Bill] Makes sense.

I've only spent one night there.

And when they found me in the morning, I was almost dead.

[Kevin] But getting a HEAD of myself. (laughter)

[Bill] Kevin, Kevin? You're on notice.

[Kevin] Sorry. Sit down.

[Bill] Sorry about that first head. I don't know who let him in here.

(laughter)

And I've rented a house on Haunted Hill tonight, so that my wife can give a party.

A haunted house party. She's so amusing.

[Mike] You should see HER mustache. (laughter)

And perhaps, even a few murders. You're all invited.

[Kevin] Except YOU, DARRYL!

If any of you will spend the next 12 hours in this house,

I'll give you each ten thousand dollars.

Or, your next of kin in case you don't survive.

Ah, but here come our other guests.

[Bill] Right after my head is re-ensmallened. There we go.

This was my wife's idea to have our guests come in funeral cars.

[Mike] I wanted them to come on segways,

so I could point and yell "Nerds!!!" (laughter)

Her sense of humor, is shall we say? Original.

I dreamed up the hearse. It's empty now.

But after a night in the house on Haunted Hill, who knows?

[Kevin] So who's idea was it to have them drive 4 miles an hour?

This is Lance Schroeder, test pilot. No doubt a brave man.

But don't you think you can be much braver, if you're paid for it?

[Bill] It's true of the food tester for Arby's too. (laughter)

If he's brave enough to stay all night.

This is Ruth Bridges. You've no doubt, read her column in the newspapers.

[Kevin] Sex advice column.

Her reason for coming to the party is to write a feature article on ghosts.

She's also desperate for money. Gambles.

[Bill] Bum fights, mostly. (laughter)

You've already met Watson Pritchard. A man living in mortal fear of a house.

And yet he is risking his life to spend another night here. I wonder why?

He says for money. [Mike] But really, his apartment is being bug bombed.

This is Dr. David Trent. A psychiatrist.

He dreams that my ghosts will help his work on hysteria.

But don't you see a little touch of greed there? Around his mouth? (laughter)

[Bill] Oh that? Sorry! No, that's mustard! Not greed.

I picked her from the thousands of people who work for me,

because she needed the ten thousand more than most.

Supports her whole family.

Isn't she pretty? [Kevin] In a mom from the Family Circus kind of way.

(laughter) The party's starting now.

And you have until midnight to find the house on Haunted Hill.

[Mike] Uh, I don't need that long. It's right there. (laughter)

[Kevin] Even put up a sign. [Bill] Clearly labeled.

Say it's that one, definitely, where all the cars are pulling up to.

Could have made this a little harder? (Mike laughs)

♪♪♪

[Mike] I just brought a gym bag full of jock straps. Hope that's all I need.

(laughter)

[Bill] The women both brought their ventriloquist dummies.

That could cause.

[Kevin] Okay, so. The hill is haunted, right? The house is perfectly safe.

[Bill] Oh right. Right, right.

When they built the restaurant, on "we spit on your food" Lane.

Actually really great food there. [Mike] Great food.

♪♪♪ [Kevin] (singing) Was a very good year.

♪♪♪ [Mike] Did you guys get Fiji water in your hearse too?

[Kevin] Oh yeah, I saved mine. I'm gonna drink it later.

[Mike] Cool. [Bill] You know guys, this is a Frank Lloyd Wright house?

[Mike] No kidding? Wow, he really phoned it in on this one, didn't he?

[Bill] I hear he was drunk at the time.

[Kevin] (slurring words) That's right.

Take some paving stones and glue them to a cement bunker.

I'm Frank lloyd Wright, dammit!

[Bill] Drunk Frank Llloyd Wright.

♪♪♪

[Mike] And dissolve to the very same shot. Good. (laughter)

♪♪♪ [Bill] This is during the brief period when Frank Lloyd Wright

included in all his designs, a whizzing balcony.

[Kevin] Yeah. I need a place to go.

Where I can "I.M. Pei", because that's what I think of his work, okay?

I'm Frank Lloyd Wright.

[Bill] Drunk Frank Lloyd Wright, ladies and gentlemen.

[Kevin] One of my favorites.

(applause)

[Mike] Sounds just like him.

Help! I locked myself, I mean the ghosts locked me in here! Oh! ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] Help?

♪♪♪

[Bill] Yep! This is what I like to do when I first meet people.

Kind of wander around them vacantly, not saying anything. People love it!

[Mike] Yeah, yeah. ♪♪♪

[Kevin] The hilarious "wipe your paws" doormat,

does seem a touch out of place here.

I don't know. ♪♪♪

[Mike] I don't know about ghosts, but the place is loaded with hanta virus.

(laughter) ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Bill] The screenplay in its entirety so far

reads "Some people walk into a building." (laughter)

(laughter)

Well, where is everybody? It isn't a very warm welcome, is it?

Only the ghosts in this house are glad we're here.

[Kevin] They made too much paella and were worried it would go to waste.

[Bill] Thoughtful ghosts.

Do you two know each other? I'm afraid I don't even know your name?

I'm Nora Manning. Lance Schroeder.

[Bill] Of the east Haunted Hill Schroeders? Friend of yours.

I've heard of him, but I've never met him.

I work for one of his companies, but I've never seen him.

I've never met the man, either. Just a phone call. Do you know him?

[Kevin] Anonymous truck stop sex!

I mean, no. I've never met him. (laughter) I don't know him.

All the details about renting the house were done by mail.

[Bill] Yeah. He's quite wealthy, isn't he?

Millions. And five wives, I believe. Four I think so far.

A $50,000 party for only five people

is a little steep, even for a millionaire.

[Mike] Fifty thousand dollar potty?

(laughter) Steep for a crapper, isn't it?

Well, if I was gonna haunt anybody, this

would certainly be the house I'd do it in.

[Kevin] And this would be the hill I'd do it on.

♪♪♪ Who closed the door?

[Bill] They have a very large well-trained cat.

♪♪♪ [Mike] Visible party animals, swinging from the chandelier.

[Bill] Hey bro! All solid steel. (crashing)

[Kevin] That almost fell on you.

Better let me take off your bra! (laughter)

♪♪♪

[Mike] House infested with Vincent Price? Call Vincent Price-away.

(laughter)

♪♪♪ (Kevin does evil laugh)

[Kevin] Honey! Where are the pork rinds? Honey?

Annabelle? Our guests are here and fortunately still alive.

Is your face on yet?

[Bill] Her face but not her shirt, apparently. Wow!

(laughter) (indistinct)

Wouldn't you have had the place cleaned?

Atmosphere, darling. You know how ghosts are. They never tidy up.

That's a very fetching outfit.

But hardly suitable for a party. I'm not going to the party.

[Kevin] I AM the party! (laughter)

Since it's gonna cost me $50,000, I want you to have fun.

The party was my idea, until you invited all the guests.

Why all these strangers and none of our friends? Friends?

[Bill] (singing Friends theme song) So no one told you life was gonna be this way!

[Mike] Would you, cut that out? Each guest.

[Mike] Stop it! [Bill] Can't sell that one.

Typist, and from drunks to jet pilots.

[Mike] And from Justin to Kelly. (laughter) [Bill] Friends was better.

(indistinct) And you call this a party?

Could be.

[Bill] Depends on whether those nuts from Sigma Nu bring their beer bong!

(cheers) Beer bong fans in the audience.

Pour the champagne? Might explode. Never does.

[Kevin] Remind you of anything, dear?

That isn't funny, Frederick.

Make a good headline. "Playboy kills wife with champagne cork".

[Mike] Well how about "Wife rams champagne bottle up playboy's..."

[Bill] That's enough! (laughter)

Just a sip might improve your humor. My humor is fine, thanks.

And I haven't poisoned it.

It's always good to know that. [Bill] Ah, Crystal. I hope rappers never discover it.

(laughter)

Have some. You'll enjoy the party more.

[Mike] Allow me to serve it to your breasts. (laughter)

[Kevin] Oh yeah! Come to mama! (slurps)

(Kevin burps)

[Bill] Wouldn't think she would be so indelicate. I'm not going to the party.

Of all my wives, you're the least agreeable. But still alive.

Hmm. Would you go away for a million dollars if tax free?

[Bill] It's also a standing off to Levy Johnston.

(laughter) Your jealousy isn't tax free.

Your possessiveness is maddening.

[Kevin] And you always have egg yolk in your mustache.

Man have grounds for divorce. But can't prove them?

The time will come. You'll slip up one of these days.

Think so? (indistinct).

You remember the fun we had when you poisoned me?

[Mike] Ha! I'm always saying that to my own wife. (laughter)

Something you ate, the doctor said.

Yes. Arsenic on the rocks.

[Kevin] I regret ordering that now.

Annabelle, you'd do it again, if you

thought you could get away with it, wouldn't you?

Darling, what makes you think that?

Something about you.

[Bill] Probably your I heart poisoning tattoo.

(laughter) Poisoning. Very uncomfortable, in case you get any more ideas.

[Kevin] Well, all right! Time to go heat up the crock pot meatballs! For the party.

Darling, the only ghoul in the house is you.

And don't sit up all night, thinking of ways to get rid of me. It makes wrinkles.

[Mike] And I want you as smooth as a boy's bottom. I mean baby's bottom.

Look, I gotta go. (laughter)

[Kevin] Wow. ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Bill] Huh. Wish I had this when I ran into Crocodile Dundee.

Show him what a knife is. (Mike laughs)

Hacked to pieces. We found parts of the bodies all over the house.

In places you wouldn't think. [Kevin] What? Like a cereal box?

Funny thing, is the heads have never been found.

[Kevin] Well, did you check the cereal? But no heads.

The wife, probably in a rage, threatened her husband with a knife.

And then, carried away by hysteria, took a swing at him and went on from there.

But then she certainly went on. How many people did she kill, Mr. Pritchard?

[Bill] Ha ha! Besides your brother, I mean! Ha ha ha! Ah.

So there are two loose heads just floating around.

[Bill] I murdered you brother.

You can hear them at night. They whisper to each other.

And then cry. [Mike] But mostly they just rot.

Our hosts will be here. Does anyone care to mix me a drink?

Certainly. What will you have?

[Bill] LOTS of something! (laughter)

Good evening. [Kevin] Let's get crunk, bitches! (laughter)

(applause) [Bill] Fans of crunk, and bitches.

Let's get acquainted with a drink, shall we? Mr. Loren?

[Bill] Lance hit me!

I advise you to call this party off now.

The ghosts are already moving and that's a bad sign.

Let me apologize for my wife. She'll join us later.

What'll you have? Scotch and.

Scotch and? I'll have the same.

[Mike] Regular or poisoned? (laughter)

Now, before the party begins, let's go over the details.

The caretakers will leave at midnight, locking

us in here until they come back in the morning.

Once the door is locked, there's no way out.

[Bill] Might as well hook up then, huh? (laughter)

The only door to the outside locks like a vault. There's no electricity,

No phone, no one within miles.

So no way to call for help. Like a coffin.

[Mike] Ugh. Not another coffin comparison.

Yes, Pritchard. It's like a coffin too.

(laughter)

If you decide not to stay for the party, you must let me know before midnight.

Of course if you leave, I shant be able to pay you anything.

I'm interested in your reasons, for this uh...party.

[Kevin] Potty? Are you aware of the letter R? (laughter)

Ghosts, doctor. I think everyone wonders what they would do if they saw a ghost?

[Bill] Compare it to a coffin?

[Kevin] We know what you do! (laughter)

Amusing. Ghosts, etc.

Being only creations of hysteria, your party should be a success.

[Mike] I made a successful potty today. (applause)

[Kevin] Good for you, Mike!

[Bill] Very, very proud of you Mike. (laughter) High time, I say.

That's cheerful. Four men have been murdered in this house.

[Bill] Their coffins were like coffins! [Kevin] Would you stop that?

[Mike] Cut that out!

Four of us are men, three are women.

Now a ghost for everybody.

Pritchard, why don't you take us on a tour

through the house, and let's see what happens.

[Bill] (laughs) Swing by the place where they murdered your brother.

Then to the place where they found his torso,

and then the place where you broke down in tears,

when they found the body!

(guys fake sob) [Bill] Oh! We have fun!

A young girl was killed here.

And whatever got her, wasn't human. Don't stand there!

Where? [Kevin] Right under that Jiffy Lube. see?

♪♪♪

[Mike] Eh. I'm cool with it.

(laughter)

Too late, they've marked you. Ridiculous.

The roof probably leaks. That must be what it is. Who would want to haunt me?

I would say any self-respecting male ghost.

[Bill] Eeww! (laughter) Well, Mr. Pritchard, you're the life of the party.

He hasn't even started yet.

Wasn't there a man who threw his wife into a wine vat or something?

That was in the cellar. There's been a murder almost every place in this house.

[Kevin] And by murder, I mean Tupperware party.

♪♪♪ [Mike] There's a murder there, murder by book case, murder

over there. Historic 17th century milk jug, there,

which was used to murder someone. (laughter)

All this belonged to a Mr. Norton, who didn't die here. He was electrocuted later.

[Bill] Tried to lick the crumbs from the bottom of his toaster. Dope.

He did a good deal of experimenting with wines.

But his wife didn't think it was any good.

So he filled the vat with acid, and threw her in.

[Kevin] She said it tasted better than his wine.

But the bones came up. It's a funny thing.

[Mike] What? Ziggy? The murders here were just ordinary. Shooting, or stabbing.

[Bill] Forcing someone to watch NBC's Outsourced.

Take that, Outsourced. (Mike laughs) Look out!

[Mike] I forgot how to stand! (laughter)

You mean there's still acid in there?

[Kevin] Well have you ever tried to get rid of four tons of acid in your basement?

Do you know how expensive that is?

We've all tried. ♪♪♪

[Bill] Templeton! No! [Mike] Charlotte! Wilbur!

My head's caught in this trap. Oh! It hurts!

But it's kind of nice at the same time. (laughter)

Destroys everything with hair and flesh.

Just leaves the bones. [Bill] Like Aretha Franklin in a waffle house. (laughter)

[Mike] Bad man. (laughter)

[Bill] Oh, this tour is boring. My.

Dry and dusty down here.

There's a cure for (indistinct).

[Kevin] I've got a whole bunch of Swiffers upstairs.

[Bill] Swiffers! Oh boy! [Mike] Swiffer party!

[Kevin] Swiffers.

[Bill] Are you as turned on as I am right now? (laughter)

How did you get invited to this party?

[Mike] Oh! Swing and a miss! (knocks)

I mean what did he tell you?

[Kevin] He said to watch out for the date rapey guy. (laughter)

Mr. Loren said everybody would get $10,000.

But he didn't say anything being locked in. No.

He just made the deal with me on the phone. But nothing about having to stay.

[Bill] Though he did tell me to bring footy pajamas.

Aren't you going to stay?

If I don't, I lose $10,000.

I'm going to stay too. $10,000.

Yeah. [Mike] Invest that in Edsel, I think we'll be all set.

Do you believe in ghosts?

I don't know. Well, I agree with what that doc says.

You can spook yourself. I've done it in planes.

See things that weren't really there. Or were they?

[Kevin] (laughs) So, rooofy? (laughter)

Ten thousand. If we get it?

What do you mean if we get it? Won't he pay us if we stay?

Ah sure he will. Ten thousand is no more to him than a nickel is to us.

We were in an automobile accident.

Now I'm the only one in the family who can make any money.

I have never seen so many doors. [Bill] Her entire family was crippled.

This guy wants to talk about doors! Closet.

[Kevin] Yes, so my father died before the ambulance came,

my little sister never walked again. I lost my brother about a month later.

I do therapy, but I'm not sure it helps.

Bottles. [Mike] My mom's face was so mangled, that when we got home,

the dog didn't recognize her, so it attacked her, and messed her up pretty bad.

We had to put the dog down. At night, I scream myself awake on the hour.

[Bill] Hey! Canned peaches! (laughter)

Does it go anywhere? [Kevin] You mean our relationship?

♪♪♪ Lance!

Lance! [Mike] Are there any bottles in there? Is it a closet?

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Wow. Dark, creepy basement.

Good place to play World of Warcraft. (cheers)

[Bill] Except there's a woman there. [Mike] Yeah. [Kevin] That's right.

[Mike] That's not gonna work.

(applause) ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] Did you get the full tour?

Ah, over there is a closet, and behind that door, some bottles.

Ah? ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] So again, closet there. (laughter) Bottles. I'm gonna get going.

[Bill] May I suggest you scream, and perhaps stuff your fist in your mouth?

Classic. ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] Pretty much how all of Lance's dates end.

♪♪♪ [Bill] Party's taking off! Look at that. Help me! Please!

Lance is gone! And there's a ghost. See what I mean?

Please! Please! Come on!

Did you say Lance is gone? Gone where?

[Kevin] Lance? I thought you said booze. Ugh. I'll stay here and guard the booze.

(laughter) ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ We'll have to break it down, it's locked.

[Mike] Oh, you said locked. Again I thought you said booze?

[Bill] She hears that a lot, doesn't she?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Bill] Eh. It was really dark, and I fell and I hurt my knee cap.

Can I have a Yoohoo?

Nothing that money won't cure. I must have. Must have bumped my head.

The only way you can bump your head in here,

is to run head on into the wall.

[Kevin] Well, yeah. That's what I did. (laughter) You didn't do that, did you?

Let's get a bandage on him.

♪♪♪ [Mike] He's a test pilot, ladies and gentlemen.

[Bill] I tried to break the sound barrier with my head.

(laughter) Wonder why they didn't kill him?

Who? He didn't bump his head. They hit him.

They?

[Kevin] Yeah. Count Chocula, Frankenberry, Boo berry, the breakfast ghouls!

♪♪♪ [Mike] He hears the call of the ugly. (laughter)

♪♪♪ [Bill] Meanwhile, in Mesopotamia.

(laughter)

[Kevin] Ow. Ow.

Nora, when you came in, you said something about a ghost?

[Kevin] What are you doing? What is that thing? No! Owwwww!

It was wearing a black thing, that went all the way to the floor.

[Mike] Oh. Justice Scalia, then. (laughter) [Bill] Obviously.

That Mr. Loren, is hysteria.

Well then doctor, how do explain what happened to Lance?

Was that hysteria too? [Kevin] No. That was idiocy.

You'd better get that checked in a day or so.

Thanks, doc.

[Bill] This guy gets so many head wounds from coming onto women,

he doesn't even notice anymore. (laughter)

Wait for me in the hall.

[Mike] That guy looks more like a leprechaun

than the leprechaun in Leprechaun Two (laughter).

[Bill] Not one. ...believe in your pet ghost, don't you Pritchard?

Before the night's over, you will too. Would you like a drink Lance?

Oh no thanks. I'd like one. Scotch and.

[Kevin] Scotch and more scotch. With scotch on the side. (laughter)

[Bill] First two nights of Hanukkah covered. (laughter)

Ten thousand dollars. Will there be much red tape? Delays?

In a hurry, dear? Frankly, yes.

Practically. There you are my dear.

[Kevin] After that, we'll have to punch open the box of Walmart scotch.

(laughter)

[Mike] All right, this time YOU run headlong into a wall,

and I'll scream like a girl, all right?

[Kevin] What's the point? [Mike] I'm a test pilot!

[Kevin] Okay. [Bill] So here is where I took my pants off,

so allow me to do that again. (laughter)

Someone or some THING was in here when I came in.

But where? And if the door was locked, how did it get out?

[Kevin] It unlocked the door?

Might have been a ghost, Nora. But what was in here with me was no ghost.

I don't know. I was so scared. [Bill] I stop knowing things when I get scared.

(laughter)

(knocks) [Mike] I'd use a stud finder, but I'm afraid it would just detect me.

(laughter) (applause)

[Bill] I'm scared, and I don't know things! (laughter)

[Mike] It's another room!

This place is amazing! (laughter) Three, six, nine, twelve.

[Kevin] Those numbers tell me these rooms are next to each other. [Bill] Lance.

[Mike] Hey honey? Tilt your head down and run.

I'm gonna knock on the other wall. When you hear me, you knock on this wall.

[Bill] Okay, but I'm scared. So I might not remember how to know how to knock!

(knocks)

Tap more down. [Mike] Which means you love me. [Bill] What?

[Mike] Nothing! Just keep tapping! (laughter)

[Bill] Alice Cooper ladies and gentlemen.

[Kevin] (screams) Schools! Out! The summer!

(screaming) [Bill] Alice Cooper. (laughter)

[Mike] Just some lady trying out her new roller blades.

(screams) (indistinct)

[Bill] Sorry, I can't stop to chat. I'm off to old lady roller derby.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ Where did it come from? From in here.

♪♪♪ [Kevin] And this door leads back into this room.

It's a miraculous house! (laughter)

Well, if it ran out of here, I'd have seen it.

Lance, it doesn't run. It just floats.

Yeah, but uh. Why didn't I see it?

♪♪♪ You don't believe me? (laughs) How can I?

[Mike] I destroyed that part of my brain when I ran into that wall.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Aaaaand, it looks as though Lance will not be test piloting her.

(laughter) Oh I'm sorry.

♪♪♪

I'm Annabelle Loren. [Kevin] I'm scared, so I don't know who I am.

(laughter) You must be Miss Manning?

I realize this is a very unusual and very dull party.

Wouldn't you like to freshen up? [Mike] Are you saying I'm not fresh?

♪♪♪ [Bill] Here's my freshening room, so you can hose off some of that stink!

This is your room. Depressing, isn't it?

I doubt if I'll spend much time here. It's going to rain.

Perfect atmosphere for my husband's party.

[Kevin] Plus Chuck E Cheese was booked anyway, so.

Why did you come here?

He said he'd give me ten thousand dollars.

Why did he pick you? I don't know.

My supervisor just came and said I'd been invited.

[Mike] He said, "Yeaah, I'm gonna go ahead and ask you to go to a party." (applause)

Thanks, Nora.

Why you? [Bill] Why not Brent Spiner? Or congressman Barney Frank?

Or one of the guys from Chumba Wumba? Why you?

Wander around by yourself? Well, I was in the cellar with Lance.

Mr. Schroder. I just left, that's all.

[Kevin] So you're really unfresh! (audience groans)

Don't do it again.

Don't go anywhere in this house by yourself.

[Mike] Not even in the? [Bill] Not even the can, no.

You're in danger. We all are.

But who? I hope for your sake, you never find out.

[Kevin] Better start freshening. You smell like a goat!

♪♪♪ [Bill] Freshening jokes are over, ladies and gentlemen.

[Mike] Llaaaa Laaaaaaadies? (applause)

(applause) (cheering)

(indistinct)

Just a bump on the head. [Bill] I always injure myself when I'm alone.

(laughter) I believe this is it. Thank you, Mrs. Loren.

Annabelle Lance.

[Kevin] Whoa! Flaps up! Engines to full. Afterburners on.

[Mike] Yeah. He'd Chuck her Yeager any day.

[Bill] Mmm hmm. Whatever that means.

Why was she so upset? Was she?

And you don't look like the type to run around bumping his head.

What really happened, Lance?

Well, Nora thought she saw a ghost. But I didn't see anything.

She was just frightened then? And mad at me. I think I kidded her about it.

[Bill] Splashed a little acid on her neck. I was just kidding around.

Now don't tell me you're taking all this seriously?

[Kevin] My lady mullet never jokes. (laughter)

Find out what hit me.

Lance? [Mike] May I see your lance? (audience groans)

I need help. May I count on you?

Yeah sure, I guess so.

[Kevin] With the boobs and the shiny and the oh boy! (laughter)

Look, what's going on here anyway? I mean what is with this party?

This is no party. He's planning something.

Your husband? I wish I knew what it was.

[Bill] I wouldn't have dressed as Prince! (laughter)

Money doesn't mean anything. He has a reason for getting us

all up here to this dreadful old house.

What for? He doesn't even know us?

Maybe that's exactly why you're here.

[Mike] Making new friends was his new year's resolution. [Bill] Awww.

Oh he thinks that big money like his can get away with anything.

You know, of course, that I'm his 4th wife. [Kevin] And the third hottest.

First one had disappeared, the other two died.

Lance? I don't want to join them.

[Kevin] So could you marry my husband? (laughter)

You mean he? Doctors said they'd died of heart attacks.

Two girls in their twenties. [Mike] Four hundred pounds a piece.

(laughter) [Bill] I see that.

Please be careful. Would he hurt you? He would kill me if he could.

[Bill] Specially after he tasted my meatloaf! Ah ha ha! (Kevin humming)

[Bill] We'll never do that again. Hitchcock! Run!

(Kevin humming)

♪♪♪ [Mike] Two thousand, two hundred ninety eight,

two thousand two hundred ninety nine.

Missing all the fun.

You know, Nora Manning was almost killed by a falling chandelier,

and the pilot bashed his head in. Is he badly hurt?

The saturnine psychiatrist bandaged him up.

Don't you want to go and console him?

Like you do most men? In your fashion?

[Kevin] You gonna eat this nit? (laughter)

And I lie awake nights, wondering why I married you.

Was rather a mistake. You didn't marry me, dear. I married you.

Unpleasant, but no mistake.

[Mike] Well, I'm gonna go frost the cupcakes. (laughter)

For the last time, I'm not going to your party. ♪♪♪

And for the last time, it's not my party, but yours.

[Kevin] The "whose party is it?" issue was HUGE in their marriage.

I am not. Ready dear? No.

Are you ready dear?

Yes. Damn you!

But you adore me as much as will prove.

All you want to be is a lovely widow.

[Bill] Ike and Tina:The white years! (laughter)

(laughter)

I wonder how it will end?

[Kevin] Well. Pizza rolls ain't gonna toaster oven themselves!

[Mike] Gotta remember to give Pete Campbell his suit back.

(laughter)

(knock on door) [Bill] Crrreeeeeeepy guy!

Close to midnight, Lance. Okay. I'll be down in a minute.

[Mike] Hmm. It's close to midnight huh?

(singing Michael Jackson's Thriller) It's close to midnight!

(guys humming)

Your host, my dear. It's almost midnight, Nora.

We're all going to get together down in the living room.

All right Mr. Loren. I'll be right there.

[Bill] He warned me only an 1/8 of the

way through my freshening process. (laughter)

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Oh! They murdered Charlie McCarthy! [Bill] Bastards!

(screams) [Mike] Is she scared? Or is she turning into Monica Seles? (laughter)

♪♪♪ [Bill] Get the cat off the piano. (laughter)

♪♪♪ [Mike] Mr. Whiskers! Dammit!

[Bill] Get off.

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Would someone put him in his pet carrier, please!

(laughter) [Bill] Filming a scene here.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Now he's on the vibes. Come on! [Kevin] Mr. Whiskers!

[Bill] Someone get him!

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Hey! Ben Roethlesberger. (laughter) (screaming)

[Mike] Watch! Oh, maybe that's why I got fired from my job as a Walmart greeter.

(laughter)

[Bill] So anyway. That's my favorite brand of rice. Am I boring you?

What's the matter? ♪♪♪

Don't want to stay here! Nora, what happened?

[Kevin] I just ran a blacklight over the comforter! Oh! (laughter)

♪♪♪ [Mike] Paul McCartney and Rhea Perlman. (laughter)

[Bill] Nice to see them together.

They've been caretakers here for years. She's blind, you know?

I'm not going to stay here!

[Kevin] I don't trust blind people who aren't gifted black musicians!

(audience groans)

Doctor, looks like we have a real case of hysteria, here on our hands.

I think she's just a little upset. Not hysterical.

[Bill] I refuse to move my arms, by the way. (laughter)

[Mike] Yes. I'm wearing the table cloth. (laughter)

Hello, my dear. This is my wife.

These are our guests. [Bill] And this is your party! Ruth Bridges,

Dr. Trent. You know Watson Pritchard, of course.

Nora Manning, and this is Lance Schroeder.

[Kevin] The human head injury! (Bill laughs)

[Mike] If you don't need us, we have a swingers party to get to. (laughter)

(applause) He wants to kill me!

Who wants to kill you? Mr. Loren!

[Kevin] But why would he kill you at his own party?

[Bill] It's my wife's party! (laughter)

I think you all remember the bargain we made about staying all night?

Ten thousand dollars a piece.

If any of you don't survive, fifty thousand dollars

will be divided among the rest of you.

If I should die,

[Mike] Please save my mustache for 40 years and then give it to Bob Dylan.

(laughter)

You will be paid by my estate.

When the door is locked from he outside by the caretakers,

we'll all be forced to stay in this house until morning.

If any of you decide not to stay, you must leave with the caretakers now.

You won't have a chance to change your minds later.

Because there'll be no way to get out.

I don't want to stay! Wait! (chandelier shakes)

[Kevin] It's a ghost! (Bill and Mike) Ahhhh!!!

[Kevin] Oh but it's Casper the Friendly Ghost. [Bill] Ah.

[Kevin] But sometimes, he gets a little too clingy,

like he doesn't have any other friends.

(Bill and Mike) Ahhh! [Kevin] I mean he's nice. (Bill and Mike) Oh.

[Kevin] But the other day he asked me to help him move!

(Bill and Mike) Ahhh! [Kevin] Yeah. Horrible. [Bill] Terrifying.

[Mike] Dammit! My He Man sleeping bag was still in the car.

It isn't midnight yet. Who told them they could leave?

They never leave before midnight. Well, they've gone now.

[Bill] Speaking of. How did that lady float in the earlier scene?

[Kevin] Well you know how blind people's senses

sharpen to compensate for the lack of sight?

She grew wheels. (audience groans)

[Bill] Blind people are cool. [Kevin] Yeah.

I'm sorry my dear. But it's too late now.

Darling? Haven't you had enough of this silly game?

Get some cars up here for these people, and let them go home.

But pay them first. [Mike] My beloved cadaver. I mean husband.

This is your party. Remember?

[Bill] I think we left that a gray area, actually. (laughter)

My wife's faith in my ability to do the impossible.

We will all have to stay in this house, until eight o'clock in the morning.

But, we have some party favors for you, in these these little coffins.

[Kevin] These were prototypes for Al Pacino.

(laughter)

[Bill] (Al Pacino voice) This is a GREAT coffin! [Kevin] Oh yeah!

[Mike] Boo yah! Lot of room!

I think it's rather dangerous.

I suppose you all know how to use one of these things.

But in case you don't, you just press down on this lever,

with your thumb, and then pull the trigger.

(crashing) [Bill] Sorry about the hearing, darling. (laughter)

These are no good against the dead. Only the living.

[Kevin] Whatever. Go and set up the Scattergories game, will you?

Doctor?

Lance. [Mike] Try not to shoot your own forehead, huh champ? (laughter)

Nora? Go ahead, take it.

[Bill] By the way, I found a bloody head in my suitcase.

Ah, it's probably nothing! (laughter)

[Mike] From Smith and Wesson's, old bat line of pistols. (laughter)

It's yours dear. I don't need it. It was your idea.

Who knows? You might want to use it on me before this night is over?

[Bill] Or sit in your underwear, and shoot out the TV like Elvis.

Her options. Any good. I agree with Pritchard on that point.

Although not for the same reasons. Dr. Trent?

[Kevin] May I call you council of?

Little medieval humor there. Don't you approve of our little party favors?

[Bill] They're our favors, though. It's my husband's party

Mistook the blind woman for a ghost.

I don't think anyone else is gonna walk around in total darkness.

Oh I'm sure we're not going to go running around the house,

shooting each other, aren't you?

Who knows? Fear makes people do amazing things.

[Mike] Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel

because of his crippling fear of spiders.

Mr. Pritchard?

You said your sister in law killed a man and a woman here, and cut them up?

You said they found hands and feet.

But they never found any heads?

Would you like to see one of those heads? [Bill] YEAH!

[Kevin] Yeah! [Mike] Heads! Heads!

(all guys) Heads! Heads! Heads! Heads! Heads! Heads! (audience joins in)

[Bill] Heeeaaaad!

Darling? I really don't need this.

[Kevin] I've got a bazooka in my clutch purse. (laughter)

♪♪♪ [Mike] So young. He had so many 7-11 clerks to pistol whip. (laughter)

[Kevin] Poor guy.

[Bill] Shame, really. Just go look in my suitcase.

(all guys) Heads! Heads! Heads! Heads!

Heads! Heads!

[Bill] We want heads! We want heads!

[Kevin] Awww! It's just frilly underwear! (Mike and Bill) Boooooo!!!

(laughter)

But it was in there. A woman's head! Nora. I think you are a little upset.

Would you care for a sedative? (laughter) Get out! Get out!

(laughter) [Bill] A "siditive"? (screaming)

Get out of here! Leave me alone! Just get out of here!

[Mike] That's how I get rid of Jehovah's witnesses.

(laughter) (applause)

I wish she'd taken the sedative. [Kevin] Yeah, we know! Sedative.

[Bill] Siditive. Siditive. They're closing in on her.

Look, doc. I think somebody ought to stay with her.

Could be a million people around her. If they wanted her, they'd get her.

[Bill] All right. I've gotta go call the Art Bell show. (laughter)

I'll join you in a minute.

[Kevin] Hey babe! I've got a case of Ensure in my room!

Oh yeah. (laughter) And do you think there really WAS a head in her suitcase?

[Bill] Not a week goes by when I'm not asked that very same question!

Put me right over the edge.

Look, would you? Sort of stay up here? I mean in case she needs help?

[Kevin] (distant voice) We'll be back here if you need us! (laughter)

Looking at you! [Bill] Hum de dum de dum!

[Mike] Hey! Hey Lance? We were thinking of getting a game of Twister going.

Are you interested? Lance? You? [Bill] F you!

(laughter) Positive. Except for the ghosts.

I don't believe in ghosts. Nor in frightening women.

[Kevin] But I do believe in siditives. (laughter) [Bill] Ssss Siditives.

In Nora's case it's gone far enough. Perhaps too far.

What do you suggest we do about it, doctor? Don't frighten her anymore.

[Bill] Or I'll stand near you and talk about things.

You wouldn't like that, would you?

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Meanwhile, in ancient Sumaria. (laughter) ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] There's GOT to be a way I can sustain a head wound in this room.

Heeeelllo! Is that a door knob I see?

(laughter) (applause) (knocks on door)

Nora? [Bill] Nora Jones. Nora?

[Bill] Nora Jones! I can't sleep! Will you sing me one of your incredibly bland songs?

[Bill] Or sling it. Nora? [Kevin] How do you unwrap the soap?

(laughter)

♪♪♪ [Mike] Yeah. Look what you pulled out of her sink.

[Kevin] Ugh!

[Bill] Oh Cousin It! Cousin It! Why? You had so much to live for!

Maybe not. You were kind of a freak. Well, you made the right choice, actually.

♪♪♪ [Kevin] I swear, you'd lose your head if it wasn't connected.

[Bill] Kevin, Kevin, Kevin! [Kevin] Sorry. ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] Patti Smith. (laughter)

[Bill] They're after me Lucky Charms, aren't you?

(laughter) (applause)

In a little while, she'll be one of them.

Where's Nora?! [Kevin] May I offer you a knife?

Where is she? It's too late. It's too late.

You'll never find her again.

Pritchard, if you know where she is, you'd better tell me now!

She's gone! She's gone with them. And there's nothing you can do about it.

(screaming) [Bill] (laughs) Someone just discovered the milk had gone bad.

[Kevin] Ugh!

[Mike] See? She'll do anything to not go out with him.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Oh my.

Hey! Could you get my suction cup dart while you're up there?

Take her down.

[Bill] I really wasn't planning on doing any WORK while I was here.

But all right. Geez.

♪♪♪ [Mike] Uh doc? You don't have to lift her by the breasts. (laughter)

[Kevin] Watch your hands.

♪♪♪ Well, I guess she won't need a siditive now.

[Bill] No siditive, siditive.

♪♪♪ [Bill] Doc, I'm worried about my prostate. (laughter)

[Kevin] You sharpied a wang on her forehead???? (laughter)

[Mike] That was so quick.

♪♪♪ She's dead, Mr. Loren. Your wife hanged herself.

Suicide.

[Kevin] Oh. And uh, I was playing with your snow globe, and I broke it.

I'm sorry. (laughter)

[Bill] Lance goes to retrieve the naughty, shockingly

misspelled note he slipped under her door. (laughter)

[Mike] A puppet show is about to start!

I believe I will attend! (laughter)

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Bam! Lamp the forehead! Bam! Chair leg to the knee!

Bam! He steps on a rake!

[Bill] Whooo.

Hide me! Please! Hide me! What's the matter? Hide me!

[Mike] That's a terrible Peter Lorre impression.

(laughter) [Bill] Rick! Hide me, Rick!

♪♪♪

He tried to kill me! [Kevin] Did it work? (laughter)

[Bill] Lance, you dope! In that room.

And then he went away and left me.

Who? He thought I was dead. Who?

[Bill] What are you? An owl? Let me finish my story! (laughter)

Are you sure about this?

I don't know. It was dark, but it must have been him.

[Kevin] "Must have been him"?

Probably won't hold up in courts.

Have you seen him since he left you?

I heard some people in that room. But I went by and nobody saw me.

♪♪♪ Mrs. Loren is dead.

♪♪♪ But how?

[Mike] Well, she was hanging herself, and something went horribly wrong!

(laughter) Committed suicide.

But I think somebody killed her. Him?

[Bill] Look, I don't know. I'm late for a puppet show, okay? (laughter)

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

(knock on door)

[Kevin] Housekeeping and strangulation, ma'am.

♪♪♪ [Mike] Lance wants to bring her along, as a human

shield, but he doesn't know how to ask her.

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Let's see. One attempted murder, one suspicious suicide.

Should I get my gun? Naaw, it's back in my room. It's too far to walk.

♪♪♪

I'm sure you've come to the same conclusion I have? Yeah, I think so.

Let's all have a meeting, discuss what to do. The living room?

Okay. In a minute.

[Bill] I assume the conclusion he came to is that

we should all dress up as longshoremen, and sing Annie Get Your Gun, right?

Assume that is what we all thought. Just gonna go with that.

(closes door)

I've gotta go downstairs.

Now you lock yourself in here, and don't let anybody know you're here.

He thinks you're dead, he won't come here. And I'll get back as soon as I can.

You'll be all right.

[Mike] Or my name isn't Lanservious Zechariah Schroeder the third.

If you have to, you use it.

[Bill] Your Snuggy, I mean.

Staying warm is important, and blankets are just so damn difficult!

(laughter)

[Kevin] Who loves ya, baby? (laughter) (applause)

[Kevin] Oh believe me. It'll be cool in 20 years!

I promise. ♪♪♪

[Mike] Good.

No one discovered I'm watching The Hills in here. (laughter)

♪♪♪ [Bill] I try to act as nonchalant when

I'm stealing room service leftovers from the suite across the hall.

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Man, I haven't seen this much sneaking between rooms

since I chaperoned a high school youth group. (laughter)

(applause) Ya'll know!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ So beautiful. [Mike] Heidi Klum.

So greedy. [Mike] Bernie Madoff, that is.

(laughter) (indistinct)

[Mike] Chunky monkey. Anyway, how are you dear?

♪♪♪ [Bill] Begorrah! Me gold! (laughter)

Don't we? What do you mean, coming in here?

I didn't want them to take her away!

You're drunk! They will if they.

You're drunk! All right, out with it, Pritchard. Why did you come into this room?

I'm the only one who understands.

Understands what? [Kevin] The movie Inception! (laughter)

She's already joined them!

Now Pritchard, I've had enough of your spook talk.

Get out, you sot and don't come back into this room again!

[Bill] So I'll be right back? [Mike] Were you listening at all??

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Well, I'd better start

dicing ham for tomorrow morning's omelet bar.

[Bill] Busy man!

♪♪♪ [Mike] Pritchard? You all right?

You look like you just saw a talking paper bag! (laughter) (applause)

[Bill] So, you guys want to do some karaoke? Or? [Kevin] No.

Where's what's her name? [Mike] Lance? (laughter)

I didn't disturb her since I don't think this concerns her.

No, you're right. Mr. Loren?

[Bill] Have a siditive! Isn't there some way we could get out of this house now?

No. None at all. We could try breaking out.

The only door to the outside is made of steel.

The bars in the windows are set in solid stone.

We've got to stay.

[Kevin] Unless one of you is the Kool Aid man. (laughter)

[Kevin] Oh yeah!!! But I am afraid.

When we came here a few hours ago, the only thing

we had in common was the ten thousand dollars we'd get.

Now, however, we share something else.

[Kevin] You're all about to see me naked. (laughter)

So far tonight, one of us was almost killed by a falling chandelier.

One of us was mysteriously slugged.

One of us has been driven to the brink of absolute hysteria.

[Bill] That's me. Yep. One of us is dead. Were these accidents?

Suicide? [Mike] Giant horn, everyone! (laughter)

(all guys) Giant horn! (applause)

I don't know. Who will be next?

[Kevin] I will! Oh, wait. How will it happen?

Let me ask you a question, doctor. [Bill] I miss giant horn. (Mike laughs)

You were the first one to see my wife dead.

Did you also see anything that she could have climbed up on, and then jumped?

No. Did any of you?

[Mike] Clint Howard? David Bowie? (laughter)

How then did she get herself...so high?

Exactly, Mr. Loren. How?

She couldn't have pulled herself up there?

She couldn't have dropped from the ceiling.

Do you think your wife killed herself?

No. No. She was murdered. By one of you.

(Kevin gasps) (Bill gasps)

(Mike gasps then coughs) [Bill] Scotch and cigarettes.

[Mike] Scotch! To deliberately kill someone, you must have a reason.

We were all strangers to your wife. Only you had a motive for murder.

What husband hasn't wanted at some time, to kill his wife?

[Kevin] Oh! I know this! The Beatles! (audience groans)

Had the opportunity to do it in such

a way so that he'd never be suspected?

[Kevin] Uh? The Magna Carta?

[Bill] I don't think you listen to the question! [Kevin] I'm sorry.

The fact remains that you or one of us, murdered Mrs. Loren.

And that's a matter for the police.

So, how do we get the police? That's my point. We can't until morning.

[Bill] And 911 is a joke!

Silly party given by an eccentric, is now involved us all in murder.

For once, Pritchard may be right.

Another murder's in the works, let's stop it now. Another murder?

Why not? Maybe one of us saw too much.

[Mike] Can't hear you. I'm in flavor country. (laughter)

Why would even a millionaire, want to

give us ten thousand dollars, to spend one night in a gloomy old house?

See some ghosts have a party?

[Kevin] Those ghost parties. Those things are dead anyway! Ha ha!

[Bill] Oh god.

[Mike] Uh. That, uh?

[Bill] I think that sort of tears our relationship once and for all, Kevin.

You're fired okay? [Mike] Get out.

[Kevin] Yeah. [Bill] Mike and I have been. This is. (audience groans)

[Bill] Let's get Paul F. Tompkins in here. Let's get a professional!

(applause)

[Bill] A professional comedian to do professional comedy. Thank you Paul.

[Paul] Sorry, dude. Sorry.

[Mike] Yeah. I hope you kicked him on the way by.

[Paul] Well, I thought about it.

[Paul] Thanks guys. This is exciting. (all guys) Yeah.

[Mike] We're thrilled to have you.

[Paul] From the short to the feature in one night. [Bill] The main feature.

[Mike] Yeah, it's been building for a while.

So I'm glad you're here. [Paul] I won't let you guys down.

[Bill] You ready? [Paul] I think so.

[Bill] A little breathing first. (Paul inhales in and out)

I tell you it doesn't make any difference.

[Bill] Here it comes. Paul Tompkins.

[Paul] Hey that uh? The little guy there.

He's like the uh? The souse on haunted hill.

[Bill] Oh man. [Mike] What the hell, man?

[Bill] That's the game you're bringing, Tompkins?

[Mike] What the hell?

[Paul] What happened? I don't understand what the problem is?

[Bill] Give it another shot.

[Paul] Give me another chance! Give me another chance! I will deliver here!

[Bill] Wow. [Paul] Hey uh? That little guy looks like a leprechaun!

[Bill] Get it out! Get out!

(applause)

[Bill] It was a good run, Paul. (applause)

(applause) [Bill] Paul F. Tompkins. Failed riffer.

[Kevin] I'm back. I'm back. [Mike] Yeah, you're hired. [Bill] Kevin's back.

[Kevin] Hey, you know that little guy. Never mind.

[Bill] Don't push it, man! Wow.

[Kevin] Wow. [Bill] Can't get good help. ♪♪♪

[Mike] I'd hug you good night, but I can't move my arms. (laughter)

♪♪♪ [Bill] You guys want to sit in our boxers,

and make fun of infomercials? (laughter)

[Bill] F you then.

♪♪♪ Good night.

[Mike] And remember, all of your pay per view charges come out of your ten Gs.

[Kevin] Awww!

[Mike] However it doesn't keep track of what you watch,

it just says "movie" on the bill.

[Kevin] Say!

(laughter) ♪♪♪

[Bill] And why did I turn Lance down? Sounds fun watching infomercials.

Not sure I understand the boxers part.

I am a briefs man, after all. Anyhoo.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Ow! Thighs lacerated. Bleeding profusely! Ow!

[Bill] All right, cat. Just try and get in here and walk on my piano! (laughter)

(laughter)

[Mike] He's day dreaming, about the time his colleagues

nominated as dullest working psychiatrist in the western hemisphere.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Okay. Get down to work.

Must make speeches longer and more pointless and more didactic. But how?

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Hello! Potential siditive patients. (laughter)

[Mike] The physics of door knobs confuse me! Ah! [Bill] I need a siditive!

♪♪♪

[Kevin] A flaming bag of? Oh good god! It must have been a rottweiler!!

(laughter) [Bill] And we call this little part

how to add a full minute to your movie,

without advancing the plot in a single way.

(applause)

[Bill] It's a little thing we call. (applause)

[Kevin] Okay. Technically, she's in the film,

but in the same way that the Cloverfield monster was in Cloverfield.

[Bill] Striking resemblance too.

[Mike] You know, these are situations where

Willy Wonka's lickable wallpapers would really help pass the time.

[Bill] No doubt.

[Kevin] The thing that didn't trouble me before is troubling me now!

♪♪♪

[Bill] Oh Gladys MacBeth! It runs in the family!

(applause)

[Mike] I'm sure the safety's on! (bang) [Bill] That's our Lance.

[Kevin] My forehead! Ow! (knock on door) Nora? It's me, Lance.

[Bill] You know, from earlier? I was bleeding all the time.

You okay?

They've all gone to their rooms and locked themselves in.

Lance, I've been thinking.

It was so dark down there. Maybe it wasn't Mr. Loren.

It was him all right. He tried to kill you. And he did kill his wife.

[Kevin] Ah! Damn neighbor must be counting things again!

(applause) (indistinct)

The doc thinks he's going to try and kill one of us! (thunder)

[Bill] Two! Two murder victims! Ah ha ha ha! (applause) I'm going with you.

If he finds out you're alive? No, Nora.

You're safer here than anyplace else. Now just lock yourself in and keep quiet.

[Mike] You know I didn't think they could top the drama

of the first "Lance leaves Nora alone in her room" scene, but wow!

[Bill] They did it! They did it! I'll come back and get you.

[Bill] Three! Ah ha ha!

[Kevin] Okay. I give him ten minutes tops before

he manages to hang himself with the drapery cord.

♪♪♪ [Bill] All right, Punch and Judy! Make me laugh!

Wait a minute! There's no puppet show!? (Kevin laughs)

[Bill] Eh. Eh. Eh. Puppet show? Puppet show?

Puppet show? (sobs) Puppet show. (laughter)

[Kevin] Hey! He found the panic room! Oh no. This is the panic room, room.

It's loaded with memorabilia from the movie Panic Room.

[Bill] Panic Room, room.

[Kevin] It's meta. [Mike] Ahh! Got my ear caught in the door jam!

[Bill] Meanwhile, in ancient Assyria!

(applause)

[Bill] Ah ha ha! Let's see. I was supposed to lock the door.

Oh no no. Open the doors. Go around the doors.

Varnish the doors! Varnish the doors.

♪♪♪ [Mike] Oh Lance fell down and got his head caught in the fuse box. (laughter)

[Bill] That's our Lance!

[Kevin] Hi! It's me!

Ropey! The talking rope! The talking paper bag sent me!

Can you imagine a world without rope? Well can you?

Look, I already killed one person tonight, and I'll do it again!

I'm gonna take you to the magical rope forrest of the old south,

whether you want to or not, Willy! Willy??

(thunder)

[Bill] I don't remember Jacob Marley looking so hot! [Kevin] I know. (laughter)

[Kevin] Uh, could you just throw me light wrap or something?

♪♪♪

[Mike] If she could forget her afterlife career as a rodeo star,

seems like Nora should have been pretty easy to take down.

(laughter) ♪♪♪

[Bill] Let that be a lesson to you! If you underappreciate rope again,

I'll be back to lightly rub you! (laughter) Willy.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] I think she's at the end of her rope. Reasonable expectation of sanity!

[Mike] Careful. Tompkins is right in the wings. (laughter)

[Kevin] Go away! Shoo! Shoo! [Bill] Paul F. Sword of Damacles.

[Kevin] Shoo!

(screams)

♪♪♪ [Mike] Extreme pilates! (laughter)

(screaming)

[Mike] Well, Gwynneth Paltrow's doing it.

[Bill] Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Mickey Rourke! (laughter)♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ Lance?

[Kevin] Yeah, right. Lance is covered in paint, trying

to get a bucket off of his foot. (laughter)

(Bill indistinct)

[Mike] Now he's got his tongue caught in a mousetrap,

and there's a little kid, punching him in the junk. (laughter) [Bill] Oh, Lance!

(laughter)

[Kevin] This is about as action packed as a game of Myst. (laughter)

♪♪♪ [Bill] Get that damn ghost of a cat off the organ! ♪♪♪

[Kevin] It's clearly an invitation to an all skate.

But I don't have any skates! [Bill] Terrifying.

(screaming)

[Mike] Meanwhile, in ancient? Uh? Fort Worth? Look, I'm tapped out.

(laughter) [Bill] Think I'm gonna call that joke.

[Kevin] Well, I'll nip out for a twenty four hour mustache wax emporium.

No! Dammit!

(Bill humming Lady Gaga's Bad Romance)

(laughter) (indistinct)

[Bill] Very talented. (knock on door)

[Mike] Where's your mustache!

Can you feel something? Certainly not.

There's either somebody else in this house or one of us has left his room.

Did you hear anything?

[Bill] I heard a few people say "Please stop murdering me, doctor!"

That, and someone walking.

[Kevin] I suspect it was Mark Cohn.

[Bill] (whisper) This is Nashville, not Memphis.

(laughter) You look downstairs, and I'll look up here.

Why not together? It may be only minutes or seconds left for someone's life.

Why waste time? [Mike] Ah, the Abe Vigoda policy. (laughter)

[Bill] And if you do run into some meddling kids

and a dog who kinda talks, shoot to kill! (laughter)

[Kevin] Hmm.

Why ruin my own bathroom, I'm gonna

give his thunder bucket a good working over

(laughter) Oh yeah! [Bill] Disgusting!

(laughter)

[Bill] Guys, I think we're on the verge of something big here.

And there it is!!! The 7,000th room that has been entered tonight!

[Kevin] Yes! [Bill] Whoo hoo! (applause)

[Kevin] Well done.

[Bill] And a siditive. (laughter)

[Mike] Well, time to vote. Hello democracy. (laughter)

♪♪♪ It's almost over, darling.

[Kevin] Um? I'm dead right now. Every detail is perfect.

♪♪♪ (Kevin yawns)

[Mike] Oh hi. Well. BRAINS, I guess. (laughter)

What's happening? (Bill hums What's Happening theme)

(Bill humming)

(Bill humming) [Mike] Oh hi, Rerun.

[Bill] Thank you! (applause)

Get me out of this hanging harness.

[Kevin] Oh, and thanks for inventing the hanging harness by the way.

What time is it?

I couldn't get Nora to want to protect herself with a gun.

After you appeared at the window, everything

began to work just as we had planned.

You were wonderful! Just the touch

that finally drove her into complete hysteria.

[Mike] And he stops there? Come on! [Bill] Come on!

Where's Nora now? What's happening? (Bill humming again)

(Bill humming)

They're serving it up! Come on! (indistinct)

David, are you sure none of them will suspect us?

Of what? A hysterical girl that accidentally shoots somebody?

Who would suspect that we'd planned it that way? That we drove her to it?

What about my suicide? Was just a ghost party gag.

We'll claim it was a dummy, since I

was the only one who touched you?

And the care takers? [Mike] Naaw. Nobody believes blind people.

What about Nora? She's not stupid, you know?

[Bill] Um? I don't know. (laughter) Jury's out.

She thinks Frederick attacked her in the cellar, not me.

The woman was almost out of her mind with fear.

The heads, the music, your hanging.

I tell you when Frederick walks in there, she'll shoot him.

It's taking too long? David you ought to be there.

[Mike] Well, there's something like 48 loose ends here.

but I'm sure it'll all work out in the end.

[Bill] Sure. [Kevin] For her, that's like kissing a dry erase board. (laughter)

When you hear the shot, come down to the cellar.

[Bill] Darling, meet me by the pickled beets. (laughter)

(door closes)

[Mike] For dark rickety basement stairs,

nothing beats a pair of high heeled shoes.

[Bill] Brought to you by the high heeled shoe council.

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Doors and bottles! I'm calling you out! (laughter)

(laughter)

♪♪♪ [Mike] Where? Where do you think we should put the bumper pool table?

♪♪♪ [Bill] Just give her ten minutes, everybody.

She'll have this room completely looked at. (laughter) Patience.

[Kevin] There were fewer badly lit basements

in the IMAX movie Badly Lit Basements. (laughter)

[Bill] Odd that they made that.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Two dangers in basements, radon gas,

and being shot in an orgy of insane girlish panic. ♪♪♪

No! No! (shot fires) [Kevin] It was!

Her...party. Ha ha! Death pwn.

(screaming)

[Bill] Nora would go on to murder the entire staff at a haunted hayride.

(laughter) ♪♪♪

[Mike] Hi. Just wanted to make sure the

excitement level didn't get too high around here.

♪♪♪ [Bill] Well, for my acid bath door, we just installed a clapper.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Yeah. Dealing with a corpse is not

as much fun as those Weekend at Bernie's guys would have you believe

♪♪♪ [Bill] Yeah. Okay, okay.

Use this acid to dissolve the body and wash my jeans

so I'll be ready for the 80s! (audience groans)

♪♪♪ (grunting)

[Kevin] Whoo. Somebody couldn't keep down

Vincent Price's crock pot meatballs after all.

(Kevin gags) [Bill] We get it.

[Mike] La di di da da.

Just bearing a more than slight resemblance to Hayden Panetierre.

La di da da. (laughter)

[Kevin] Wow! Nude!

(laughter) [Mike] She's uh? She's still alive and she's 83 now folks. So calm down.

[Bill] Well, she's dressed for it. She may as well empty the rat traps.

David?

David? (creaking)

[Kevin] Oh, now I have to change into my door hinge greasing nightie.

It's even skimpier. (creaking)

[Mike] Well, when God closes a door, he... He closes another one. (laughter)

[Bill] That's how he rolls.

Meanwhile, Lance is in the janitor's closet

having managed to snag himself on a coat hook!

And spill a half gallon of scouring

powder down the inside of his shirt. That's our Lance!

♪♪♪ [Mike] She scans a room at downright Nora-esque speed! (laughter)

♪♪♪ [Bill] Well, I've done some creepy things tonight.

But nothing as dark and unholy as my cousin, the Grocery Witch!

(laughter) ♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ (Mike makes bubble noises)

♪♪♪

[Bill] Iggy Pop!

[Kevin] Beefier than Iggy. (indistinct)

[Bill] Somebody get me some xylophone mallets so I can comically play his ribs!

[Mike] Haven't seen my pancreas around here anywhere, huh lady?

♪♪♪

[Mike] Maybe a set of lungs, about 20 feet of intestine? ♪♪♪

At last, you've got it all. Everything I have. Even my life.

[Bill] Dammit bones!

Leave her alone! (laughter)

(indistinct)

(screaming)

[Kevin] Look at him walk!

It's the skeleton of John Wayne! (laughter)

[Mike] Nice lingerie, pilgrim! (screaming)

(screaming)

[Bill] Whoa ho! That was close. Were was I?

Aggh! (screaming)

[Kevin] While you're down there, will you get my swim mask?

It's stuck in the drain. No?

♪♪♪ [Mike] Because you asked for it, nay demanded it,

a very very slow scan of the basement! (applause)

Take a victory lap! You've earned it!

(applause) [Bill] Enjoy!

[Mike] Give it up for the one! (applause)

(applause) ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Bill] Ah come on! I bet this wasn't that hard for him to pull off?

"Honey? Why are you making a skeleton marionette?" Come to bed!

[Kevin] But it's for the skeleton marionette competition!

Or do you want me to fail at the skeleton marionette competition?

You resent my skeleton marionette hobby?

Don't you? I ought to kill you!

[Bill] The skeleton marionette sketch. (applause)

♪♪♪ Good night, Annabelle.

The crime you two planned was indeed perfect.

Only the victim's alive and the murderers are not.

[Bill] Am I right, puppet friend?

Your game of murder, that I was playing too.

[Mike] So what's the next caper, boss? Elaborate bank heist?

Wait! What are you doing?

I was loyal to you! Why? There must be some way to get in here!

It's right along here, somewhere.

[Kevin] Ah ha! Thank god! I saved you all! [Bill] Our Lance.

Down in the wine cellar. Well, I? I don't think so.

[Bill] All right, you guys go down there.

And I'll snag my foot on the rug and knock myself unconscious.

(foot steps)

It's him! He's alive!

[Mike] Not until I've had my coffee. Am I right? (laughter)

You didn't shoot anyone, my dear. I loaded your gun with blanks.

[Bill] Sound familiar, Lance? (audience groans) [Mike] Hey!

Trent and my wife were planning to kill me.

They failed. [Bill] Sound familiar, Lance?

[Mike] Hey! They tried to throw me in the vat.

My wife stumbled and fell.

[Kevin] She dropped her sack of banana cream pies.

I'm ready for justice to decide, if I'm innocent or, guilty.

[Bill] In the meantime, I'll be emptying the cash from my mattress,

and flee to Mexico if you need me. NOT an admission of guilt. ♪♪♪

Oh, there's still cream cheese rollups in the downstairs fridge!

Help yourself. ♪♪♪

[Mike] Grope. (laughter)

♪♪♪ Now there are nine.

There will be more, many more.

[Kevin] Unfortunately, he means seasons of Jersey Shore. (audience groans)

[Bill] Dear god. (Kevin laughs) They'll come for me, now.

Then they'll come for you.

[Bill] Wait, sorry.

They'll come for the person sitting to your left. Is that my left?

Stage left? I don't know. The point is you or someone you care about is doomed!

Thank you! [Kevin] And good night from the House on Haunted Hill!

[Bill] House! on haunted! Hill! (audience applauds)

(applause) [Kevin] Thank you! [Bill] Thank you! Paul F. Tompkins!

Come on out here! [Kevin] Paul F. Tompkins, come out! (applause)

[Bill] Get that sharp dressed man out here!

(applause)

[Kevin] Paul? Somebody get Paul!

Ran out. Thank you for coming!

[Mike] Thanks very much, everyone!

[Kevin] Happy Halloween! We'll see you again sometime!

[Mike] Thank you!

[Bill] Thank you very much! It's been a pleasure!

Happy Halloween! Paul F. Tompkins! (applause)

(applause)

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(cheering)

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