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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,137 * 2 00:00:03,171 --> 00:00:05,106 GUILLERMO: I like being a familiar. 3 00:00:05,139 --> 00:00:07,441 It's a very satisfying job. 4 00:00:07,475 --> 00:00:10,711 Well, actually, calling it a job would imply that it pays. 5 00:00:10,744 --> 00:00:13,747 So it's more of a vocation. 6 00:00:13,781 --> 00:00:15,516 Less glamorous than I imagined. 7 00:00:15,549 --> 00:00:18,786 (retching) 8 00:00:18,819 --> 00:00:20,854 I thought by now I'd be like Armand, 9 00:00:20,888 --> 00:00:23,023 but sometimes I feel like 10 00:00:23,057 --> 00:00:24,992 I'm halfway turning into a Renfield. 11 00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:26,527 (insect buzzes) 12 00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:28,196 * 13 00:00:28,229 --> 00:00:30,798 I think the worst part for me is the loneliness. 14 00:00:30,831 --> 00:00:33,834 I'm awake when my master's asleep, and... 15 00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:35,669 the house gets quiet 16 00:00:35,703 --> 00:00:37,671 and it's lonely, but I'm also awake 17 00:00:37,705 --> 00:00:38,906 when he's awake. 18 00:00:38,939 --> 00:00:41,675 I'm always awake. (sighs) 19 00:00:41,709 --> 00:00:43,811 You know, sometimes I wonder what my life would be like 20 00:00:43,844 --> 00:00:45,846 if I was still at Panera Bread. 21 00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:47,848 I'd probably be manager. 22 00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:50,518 I'd get to boss other people around for a change, 23 00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:52,720 sleeping, health insurance, 24 00:00:52,753 --> 00:00:53,954 friends... 25 00:00:53,987 --> 00:00:55,055 (saw whirs) 26 00:00:55,089 --> 00:00:56,590 ...getting paid, 27 00:00:56,624 --> 00:00:59,827 all the Panera Bread you can eat. 28 00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:01,529 But you know what they say: 29 00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:04,598 the heart wants what the heart wants. 30 00:01:04,632 --> 00:01:06,800 ("You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing) 31 00:01:06,834 --> 00:01:09,270 * Don't sing if you want to live long * 32 00:01:09,303 --> 00:01:11,839 * They have no use for your song * 33 00:01:11,872 --> 00:01:14,475 * You're dead, you're dead, you're dead * 34 00:01:14,508 --> 00:01:17,378 * You're dead and out of this world * 35 00:01:18,946 --> 00:01:22,015 * Now your hope and compassion is gone * 36 00:01:22,049 --> 00:01:24,752 * You sold out your dream to the world * 37 00:01:24,785 --> 00:01:27,054 * Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead * 38 00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:29,757 * You're dead and out of this world. * 39 00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:31,392 * 40 00:01:40,701 --> 00:01:42,270 * 41 00:01:49,477 --> 00:01:51,779 -NANDOR (muffled): Good evening, Guillermo. -Good evening, Master. 42 00:01:51,812 --> 00:01:53,147 I have an envelope for you. 43 00:01:53,181 --> 00:01:55,749 Okay, pop it in the coffin. Thank you. 44 00:01:55,783 --> 00:01:58,519 Uh, just... pop it in there. 45 00:01:58,552 --> 00:02:00,388 That's... that's... 46 00:02:00,421 --> 00:02:02,256 Is it in yet? 47 00:02:03,991 --> 00:02:07,628 I can't read it. It's too dark in here. 48 00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:09,997 Is it another summons for jury duty? 49 00:02:10,030 --> 00:02:11,932 Just tell them I'm dead. 50 00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:13,434 Oh, no. It's something very cool. 51 00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:14,968 I had your DNA tested. 52 00:02:15,002 --> 00:02:16,069 A lab tested it. 53 00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:21,609 How did they get the DNA? 54 00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:24,077 Did they steal my semen? 55 00:02:24,111 --> 00:02:26,880 -What? No. -I won't have my semen stolen again. 56 00:02:26,914 --> 00:02:28,316 No, I don't, I don't... 57 00:02:28,349 --> 00:02:29,917 No, I don't even know what that story is. 58 00:02:29,950 --> 00:02:31,719 No, this is all very scientific. 59 00:02:31,752 --> 00:02:34,054 Huh. Okay. 60 00:02:34,087 --> 00:02:35,389 Well, the story is 61 00:02:35,423 --> 00:02:39,126 some witches decided to steal my semen 62 00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:42,162 and put it into a semen spell. 63 00:02:42,196 --> 00:02:45,499 But it didn't even work, and then they got semen everywhere. 64 00:02:45,533 --> 00:02:49,870 But this seems much more aboveboard, so... 65 00:02:49,903 --> 00:02:51,739 This just uses science to find out 66 00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:53,507 where your ancestors came from. 67 00:02:53,541 --> 00:02:56,377 It could also be used to see if you have any living relatives. 68 00:02:56,410 --> 00:02:58,679 Living relatives? 69 00:02:58,712 --> 00:03:00,013 * Dun, da-da, da. * 70 00:03:00,047 --> 00:03:01,849 Here's yours. 71 00:03:01,882 --> 00:03:04,184 You have... 72 00:03:04,218 --> 00:03:06,186 Oh, wow. 73 00:03:06,220 --> 00:03:08,188 -What? -You have... 74 00:03:08,222 --> 00:03:12,826 200,000 direct living descendants. 75 00:03:12,860 --> 00:03:14,161 That's a lot. 76 00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:15,863 I'm a granddad? 77 00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:17,898 Well, technically, you're a... 78 00:03:17,931 --> 00:03:20,668 great-granddad times 30. 79 00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:21,935 (chuckles) 80 00:03:21,969 --> 00:03:23,504 NANDOR: Becoming a vampire came 81 00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:25,673 at a strange time in my life. 82 00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:27,741 I was married at the time 83 00:03:27,775 --> 00:03:29,843 to 37 women. 84 00:03:29,877 --> 00:03:31,845 My 37 wives weren't very happy 85 00:03:31,879 --> 00:03:33,714 about the changes I was going through. 86 00:03:33,747 --> 00:03:37,685 I was becoming very moody, sleeping all day now. 87 00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:40,554 Nighttime was mainly drinking people's blood. 88 00:03:40,588 --> 00:03:42,623 Put a strain on all of us. 89 00:03:42,656 --> 00:03:44,191 Then they left, 90 00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:45,459 all 37 of them. 91 00:03:45,493 --> 00:03:47,261 It was a sad night for me, 92 00:03:47,295 --> 00:03:50,063 because I really loved 35 of them. 93 00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:51,665 In those days, 94 00:03:51,699 --> 00:03:54,067 fathers didn't really look after their children. 95 00:03:54,101 --> 00:03:55,803 It was down to the women. 96 00:03:55,836 --> 00:03:58,672 And in some cases, a couple of friendly wolves. 97 00:03:58,706 --> 00:04:01,509 -(wolf howling) -I did try to visit my children, but... 98 00:04:01,542 --> 00:04:05,145 they were just afraid, you know, 'cause... 99 00:04:05,178 --> 00:04:08,849 I'm a vampire floating outside the window. 100 00:04:08,882 --> 00:04:10,384 Hey, kiddies. 101 00:04:10,418 --> 00:04:13,554 Hey, you've got my nose. 102 00:04:15,055 --> 00:04:17,725 That's the last time I saw them. 103 00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:21,228 Probably dead now, I suppose. 104 00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:23,331 And another cool thing is, you can find out 105 00:04:23,364 --> 00:04:26,033 if any of them live near you. 106 00:04:26,066 --> 00:04:28,436 You have one of them 107 00:04:28,469 --> 00:04:30,103 living right here in Staten Island. 108 00:04:30,137 --> 00:04:31,705 Madeline. 109 00:04:31,739 --> 00:04:34,508 Exciting. 110 00:04:34,542 --> 00:04:37,177 -Why are we going to the library? -This better be good, Nandor. 111 00:04:37,210 --> 00:04:39,046 -How long is this gonna take? -I was cleaning my skull. 112 00:04:39,079 --> 00:04:41,048 Not long, not long. Thank you. 113 00:04:41,081 --> 00:04:43,851 Everyone, I have some very exciting news. 114 00:04:43,884 --> 00:04:47,955 Guillermo has had my DNA tested. 115 00:04:47,988 --> 00:04:49,890 You need to be careful that's not evil witches trying 116 00:04:49,923 --> 00:04:52,426 -to pinch your semen. -Yes. Witches are semen stealers. 117 00:04:52,460 --> 00:04:54,462 There's no semen-stealing. 118 00:04:54,495 --> 00:04:56,196 It's very official. 119 00:04:56,229 --> 00:04:57,965 It came in an envelope. 120 00:04:57,998 --> 00:04:59,533 GUILLERMO: I actually had everyone's DNA tested. 121 00:04:59,567 --> 00:05:01,301 NADJA: How did you get our DNA 122 00:05:01,335 --> 00:05:04,605 -without us knowing? -You literally leave it laying everywhere, 123 00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:06,607 so it wasn't that hard. So, here's yours, Nadja. 124 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:09,377 No, thank you, please. Put that on the pile there for burning. 125 00:05:09,410 --> 00:05:11,479 -You sure you don't want to open it? -Don't test me! 126 00:05:11,512 --> 00:05:13,246 Okay, forget that. 127 00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:15,082 -So, Laszlo... -Don't you dare. 128 00:05:15,115 --> 00:05:16,450 -You don't want to...? -Bugger off. 129 00:05:16,484 --> 00:05:18,452 -(hisses) -That's not very nice. 130 00:05:18,486 --> 00:05:19,853 Okay. Colin Robinson. 131 00:05:19,887 --> 00:05:22,590 -Ding, ding, ding. -There you go. 132 00:05:22,623 --> 00:05:23,891 Could I get a drumroll first? 133 00:05:23,924 --> 00:05:24,992 -No. -No. -Nope. 134 00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:26,794 Fine. I'll do my own. 135 00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:29,129 (imitating drumroll) 136 00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:30,898 Frankly, I would be flattered 137 00:05:30,931 --> 00:05:34,234 if witches collected my semen. 138 00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:36,970 (imitates cymbal striking) 139 00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:38,271 It says here that 140 00:05:38,305 --> 00:05:41,475 I am 100% white. 141 00:05:41,509 --> 00:05:44,177 People are from all different places. 142 00:05:44,211 --> 00:05:45,813 It just can't say "white" on your paper. 143 00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:47,314 Oh, wow. "100% white." 144 00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:49,917 COLIN: No other nuance. 145 00:05:49,950 --> 00:05:51,852 NANDOR: Tell them my other news, Guillermo. 146 00:05:51,885 --> 00:05:54,822 Okay. He has over two hundred... 147 00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:58,626 200,000 direct descendants living today! 148 00:05:58,659 --> 00:06:00,661 Fucking hell. Well done, chap. 149 00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:02,262 NANDOR: Thank you, Laszlo. 150 00:06:02,295 --> 00:06:05,232 Congratulations, Nandor. That is some very exciting seed. 151 00:06:05,265 --> 00:06:08,001 -Yes. -But I'm telling you, don't let the witches find out about it. 152 00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:09,336 They'll be coming for you. 153 00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:11,472 -No... -That is top-quality seed. 154 00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:14,207 And thanks to your little helper, they know about it. 155 00:06:14,241 --> 00:06:16,109 I'm telling you, they're coming for more. 156 00:06:16,143 --> 00:06:17,645 They use it to make magnets. 157 00:06:17,678 --> 00:06:20,347 I'm a granddad. 158 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:22,049 -COLIN: You know... -NANDOR: Don't ruin it. 159 00:06:22,082 --> 00:06:24,351 Oh, I-I wouldn't think of ruining it. 160 00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:26,353 -Thank you. -The great Genghis Khan 161 00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:30,458 -I knew it. -has over 16 million living descendants. 162 00:06:30,491 --> 00:06:32,893 Now, that's a seed. 163 00:06:32,926 --> 00:06:34,327 You just have to bring up Genghis Khan. 164 00:06:34,361 --> 00:06:35,963 Do any of his relatives live nearby? 165 00:06:35,996 --> 00:06:37,397 Actually, yes. 166 00:06:37,431 --> 00:06:41,234 Uh, he has a great-times-30 granddaughter 167 00:06:41,268 --> 00:06:44,071 who lives here in Staten Island. 168 00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:46,073 So did you get your DNA tested, Guillermo? 169 00:06:46,106 --> 00:06:48,842 I did, but you probably wouldn't be interested 170 00:06:48,876 --> 00:06:51,912 -in finding out the results. -Yes. Probably not. 171 00:06:53,113 --> 00:06:55,516 NANDOR: Thank you for attending. 172 00:06:55,549 --> 00:06:58,285 GUILLERMO: I'm mainly mestizo, which I already knew. 173 00:06:58,318 --> 00:07:01,254 3.12% Dutch. 174 00:07:01,288 --> 00:07:03,457 That's pretty cool. (chuckles) 175 00:07:03,491 --> 00:07:05,626 This basically shows my family tree. 176 00:07:05,659 --> 00:07:07,394 There's the Dutch family, 177 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,162 and the name is Van Helsing. 178 00:07:09,196 --> 00:07:11,131 That's... (chuckles) 179 00:07:11,164 --> 00:07:13,300 that's actually really funny. 180 00:07:13,333 --> 00:07:16,236 Uh, 'cause I don't know if you're familiar with, uh, 181 00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:17,905 who Van Helsing is... 182 00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:20,040 * 183 00:07:20,073 --> 00:07:21,909 The most notorious vampire killer. 184 00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:24,712 I have Van Helsing DNA in my blood, 185 00:07:24,745 --> 00:07:27,380 which is... 186 00:07:27,414 --> 00:07:29,883 But he's not real, so... 187 00:07:29,917 --> 00:07:31,652 He's not real. 188 00:07:33,386 --> 00:07:34,622 Is he? 189 00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:35,756 I mean, vampires are real, 190 00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:38,125 but... 191 00:07:38,158 --> 00:07:40,961 I suppose there could be a vampire... 192 00:07:42,195 --> 00:07:43,396 Oh, wow. 193 00:07:43,430 --> 00:07:44,397 I love vampires. 194 00:07:44,431 --> 00:07:46,734 I-I... 195 00:07:46,767 --> 00:07:49,136 I killed two accidentally. 196 00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:52,005 -Stay back! -(grunts) 197 00:07:52,039 --> 00:07:53,040 (gasps) 198 00:07:53,073 --> 00:07:54,975 Oh, fuck. 199 00:07:55,008 --> 00:07:56,243 My tummy feels weird. 200 00:07:56,276 --> 00:07:57,945 Just... 201 00:07:57,978 --> 00:08:00,447 I th... What'd I have for lunch? I had for lunch... 202 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,282 I had, um... 203 00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:04,351 (whispers): garlic. 204 00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:13,961 LASZLO: When I was a human man, 205 00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:16,463 I had rosy cheeks, yet in between those cheeks, 206 00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,799 there was never a smile. 207 00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:21,569 And then, one night, everything changed. 208 00:08:21,602 --> 00:08:24,004 Nadja came through the window 209 00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:25,639 and took my life. 210 00:08:25,673 --> 00:08:27,875 She opened a window to my soul 211 00:08:27,908 --> 00:08:30,811 and let the darkness in. 212 00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:33,346 I'm creating something very special for her. 213 00:08:33,380 --> 00:08:34,782 It's yet to take shape. 214 00:08:34,815 --> 00:08:36,917 When it does, I think she'll be very impressed. 215 00:08:36,950 --> 00:08:39,787 I can't be bothered to hold this anymore. Can you tether it? 216 00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:42,122 -Uh, actually... -What the fuck have you got in your hand?! 217 00:08:42,155 --> 00:08:43,456 Put that down! 218 00:08:43,490 --> 00:08:45,258 That's a wooden stake, you dickhead! 219 00:08:45,292 --> 00:08:47,060 Well, you asked me to buy garden stakes, so I b... 220 00:08:47,094 --> 00:08:48,996 Get them out of my sight now, you smart-ass. 221 00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:50,463 -Okay. -Where did you get them from? 222 00:08:50,497 --> 00:08:52,199 -Amazon, so... -Well, then you get in your car, 223 00:08:52,232 --> 00:08:53,500 and you drive back to the Amazon. 224 00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:54,768 That's not how that w... It's online. 225 00:08:54,802 --> 00:08:57,304 Shut your mouth, and tie this thing up. 226 00:08:57,337 --> 00:08:59,172 Fucking halfwit. 227 00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:02,643 Stakes! The most offensive thing he could bring into the house. 228 00:09:02,676 --> 00:09:03,877 Tighter! 229 00:09:03,911 --> 00:09:06,980 So, Nandor has 200,000 descendants. 230 00:09:07,014 --> 00:09:11,051 Still far fewer than, uh, Genghis Khan. 231 00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:13,520 Um, so we're gonna go visit one. 232 00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:15,388 NANDOR: Her name is Madeline. 233 00:09:15,422 --> 00:09:18,091 I'm going to float up to her window and see her. 234 00:09:18,125 --> 00:09:21,528 Not going to introduce myself yet. 235 00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:23,230 Don't want to frighten her. 236 00:09:23,263 --> 00:09:26,934 I need you to be very supportive of me at this delicate moment. 237 00:09:26,967 --> 00:09:28,836 Going to give her some gifts. 238 00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:31,038 Got her a little teddy bear. 239 00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:32,539 Ugh. You know what? 240 00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,541 This isn't working, me being supportive. 241 00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:37,544 I feel like I am literally eating myself. 242 00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:38,545 Ugh! 243 00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,580 It is time. 244 00:09:40,614 --> 00:09:42,616 * 245 00:09:50,457 --> 00:09:51,925 Don't tap on the window. 246 00:09:51,959 --> 00:09:55,328 I see her. She's asleep. 247 00:09:55,362 --> 00:09:56,864 How does she look, Master? 248 00:09:56,897 --> 00:09:59,900 She looks a little older than I was anticipating. 249 00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:02,535 That-That's what I was trying to tell you-- she's 94. 250 00:10:02,569 --> 00:10:05,205 -So young! (gasps) -COLIN: Don't tap on the window. 251 00:10:05,238 --> 00:10:07,875 She is stirring. I'm going to tap on the window. 252 00:10:07,908 --> 00:10:10,911 -No. -N-No, Master, don't tap on the window. 253 00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:12,780 Madeline! 254 00:10:12,813 --> 00:10:14,682 Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap! 255 00:10:14,715 --> 00:10:16,416 -Oh, crap. -Wakey, wakey! 256 00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:18,218 Ah. 257 00:10:18,251 --> 00:10:19,619 She's awake. 258 00:10:19,653 --> 00:10:21,454 Come to me, my little one. 259 00:10:21,488 --> 00:10:23,691 Come, look, this is for you. 260 00:10:23,724 --> 00:10:25,826 Your grandpappy is here. 261 00:10:25,859 --> 00:10:27,360 Say hello. 262 00:10:27,394 --> 00:10:28,729 -This is... -(Madeline gasps) 263 00:10:28,762 --> 00:10:29,730 (body thuds) 264 00:10:29,763 --> 00:10:31,464 Oh, no. 265 00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:35,168 I knew I shouldn't have tapped on her window, 266 00:10:35,202 --> 00:10:37,237 but you goaded me. 267 00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:40,007 If, by "goading," you mean my saying, 268 00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:42,910 "Under no circumstances should you tap on her window," 269 00:10:42,943 --> 00:10:44,644 then, yes, I goaded you. 270 00:10:44,678 --> 00:10:46,213 Yes, exactly. You see, 271 00:10:46,246 --> 00:10:48,648 you are a goader, Guillermo is a goader. 272 00:10:48,682 --> 00:10:51,752 You saw an opportunity to goad and what did you do? 273 00:10:51,785 --> 00:10:54,154 -You goaded it. -Okay. 274 00:10:54,187 --> 00:10:55,923 NANDOR: Guillermo! 275 00:10:55,956 --> 00:10:57,925 What is this feeling 276 00:10:57,958 --> 00:10:59,592 I am feeling? 277 00:10:59,626 --> 00:11:01,428 It's grief, Master! 278 00:11:01,461 --> 00:11:03,496 Grief? 279 00:11:03,530 --> 00:11:05,532 -(siren wailing) -I don't care for it. 280 00:11:06,700 --> 00:11:08,501 Wait, wait. Nandor! 281 00:11:08,535 --> 00:11:10,738 How am I supposed to get down, Nandor? 282 00:11:10,771 --> 00:11:14,107 You goaded me, and now you got to take the stairs! 283 00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:16,276 This is why you don't get attached to humans. 284 00:11:16,309 --> 00:11:18,445 They don't last long. 285 00:11:18,478 --> 00:11:20,347 It is like with my sweet Gregor. 286 00:11:20,380 --> 00:11:22,983 He is reborn and then he dies. 287 00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:26,653 And again and again and again. 288 00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:29,522 And every time he comes back, our love is reignited 289 00:11:29,556 --> 00:11:31,524 like a big ball of flames, 290 00:11:31,558 --> 00:11:34,461 -and then he is brutally decapitated. -(yelling) 291 00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:36,629 Look at this one. 292 00:11:36,663 --> 00:11:38,799 Such a beautiful head of hair. 293 00:11:38,832 --> 00:11:40,367 I like it when he's subservient, 294 00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:41,668 but not like this. 295 00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:44,805 Hello! Num, num, num, num, num. 296 00:11:44,838 --> 00:11:48,842 * Gregor, you are the sweetest boy * 297 00:11:48,876 --> 00:11:50,610 * Kid. * 298 00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:53,513 (whispering): I have to be very careful in case Laszlo sees. 299 00:11:54,815 --> 00:11:57,517 * My sweet Gregor * 300 00:11:57,550 --> 00:11:59,953 * Gregor, can you hear me? * 301 00:11:59,987 --> 00:12:01,755 * Gregor, hear me * 302 00:12:01,789 --> 00:12:04,291 * Singing this song * 303 00:12:04,324 --> 00:12:07,427 * Gregor, can you hear me? * 304 00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:09,562 -* Gregor, hear me * -Nadja. 305 00:12:09,596 --> 00:12:12,199 -Nadja! Nadja! -* Singing this song... * 306 00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:15,936 (yelling) 307 00:12:17,905 --> 00:12:19,706 -(grunts) -(bones snap) 308 00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:21,775 I'm Gregor! 309 00:12:21,809 --> 00:12:23,576 (grunts) 310 00:12:23,610 --> 00:12:24,711 (keys jingle) 311 00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:27,514 Nadja! 312 00:12:27,547 --> 00:12:29,482 -(grunting) -(glass breaking) 313 00:12:29,516 --> 00:12:30,617 Nadja? 314 00:12:31,885 --> 00:12:33,887 Nadja! 315 00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:40,660 (car alarm chirps) 316 00:12:43,230 --> 00:12:46,233 Hey! Hey! Goddamn it. Call the cops. 317 00:12:50,503 --> 00:12:53,540 NADJA: Nandor has invited us to join him at the funeral 318 00:12:53,573 --> 00:12:55,909 of his descendant Madeline. 319 00:12:55,943 --> 00:12:57,777 -NADJA: Wait. It's in a church? -LASZLO: Oh, bloody hell. 320 00:12:57,811 --> 00:12:59,612 -Well, of course. It's a funeral. -But hang on. 321 00:12:59,646 --> 00:13:01,849 It's night. Shouldn't there be no one in there? 322 00:13:01,882 --> 00:13:03,550 I got it changed to later in the evening. 323 00:13:03,583 --> 00:13:04,985 -Asshole. -How did you do that? 324 00:13:05,018 --> 00:13:07,187 I... called in a bomb scare. 325 00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:08,455 -I can't go in there. -No. 326 00:13:08,488 --> 00:13:10,557 Do it for Madeline. 327 00:13:10,590 --> 00:13:12,059 Look at the pictures on the glass. 328 00:13:12,092 --> 00:13:14,261 It's the Jeebus man. (groans) 329 00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:16,429 Thought of going in a church-- a church-- 330 00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:18,265 makes me nervous to say the word. 331 00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:20,467 I just... (guttural gagging) 332 00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:22,402 You know, this... Not much scares me, 333 00:13:22,435 --> 00:13:23,770 but this... (guttural gagging) 334 00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:25,338 She can go in. Why can't we? Look at... 335 00:13:25,372 --> 00:13:26,974 -Because she's not a vampire! -Look at her. 336 00:13:27,007 --> 00:13:28,775 I'm a vampire. I can go in. 337 00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:32,479 Energy vampires have no problems going into places of worship. 338 00:13:32,512 --> 00:13:34,347 We find it to be fertile feeding ground. 339 00:13:34,381 --> 00:13:35,983 -No! Ooh! -NADJA: Wonderful, Colin. 340 00:13:36,016 --> 00:13:37,417 Can you go in and pay our respects, 341 00:13:37,450 --> 00:13:38,852 and we'll just stand here? 342 00:13:38,886 --> 00:13:40,353 This is not about feeding ground. 343 00:13:40,387 --> 00:13:42,389 This is about my great-great-great-great- 344 00:13:42,422 --> 00:13:44,858 great-great- great-great-great-great- 345 00:13:44,892 --> 00:13:48,361 great-great-granddaughter. Please. 346 00:13:48,395 --> 00:13:50,230 -(Nadja scoffs) -Please? 347 00:13:50,263 --> 00:13:52,966 -(muttering) -Fuck it. Fine. 348 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:55,468 -Madeline. -Again, it's okay for me to go in. 349 00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:56,937 I-I'm... I'm gonna be fine. 350 00:13:56,970 --> 00:13:58,471 -NANDOR: Madeline. -NADJA: Laszlo. 351 00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:01,441 -(organ playing somber music) -PRIEST: And it is with great sadness 352 00:14:01,474 --> 00:14:03,376 and tremendous remorse 353 00:14:03,410 --> 00:14:05,778 that we say goodbye to Madeline Darvish. 354 00:14:05,812 --> 00:14:07,981 She did not have children of her own, 355 00:14:08,015 --> 00:14:10,783 but many considered her a mother figure. 356 00:14:10,817 --> 00:14:12,019 -Please rise. -NADJA: Motherfucking rise. 357 00:14:12,052 --> 00:14:13,853 -Then you rise. -You rise. 358 00:14:13,887 --> 00:14:15,688 -I really appreciate you coming. -PRIEST: The Lord is my shepherd. 359 00:14:15,722 --> 00:14:18,225 -I shall not want... -Nandor, we got to get out of here. 360 00:14:18,258 --> 00:14:20,793 Nandor, I'm so sorry. I don't know how much longer I can last. 361 00:14:20,827 --> 00:14:22,896 -(group grunting) -(banging on pew) 362 00:14:22,930 --> 00:14:26,799 Nandor, my mascara is running because of the blood. 363 00:14:26,833 --> 00:14:28,301 You look great. 364 00:14:28,335 --> 00:14:29,702 -(groans) -I got to get out. 365 00:14:29,736 --> 00:14:31,138 -(grunting) -I can't do this. 366 00:14:31,171 --> 00:14:33,873 It is a lovely service, but I'm on fire. 367 00:14:33,907 --> 00:14:35,976 PRIEST: Your rod and your staff... 368 00:14:36,009 --> 00:14:37,577 -they comfort me. -Thank you for coming, Nadja. 369 00:14:37,610 --> 00:14:39,980 Hey, I'm gonna go, too. I'd rather watch TV. 370 00:14:40,013 --> 00:14:42,649 Thank you, Colin Robinson. 371 00:14:42,682 --> 00:14:44,717 And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. 372 00:14:44,751 --> 00:14:46,486 -(gasps) -Please be seated. 373 00:14:46,519 --> 00:14:47,720 (panting) 374 00:14:47,754 --> 00:14:48,989 Guillermo. 375 00:14:49,022 --> 00:14:51,158 Guillermo, I'm on fire. Get some water. 376 00:14:51,191 --> 00:14:52,325 Water. (groans) 377 00:14:52,359 --> 00:14:54,194 Aah! 378 00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:56,196 (congregation murmuring) 379 00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:58,798 So sad. I... 380 00:14:58,831 --> 00:15:01,401 really miss her. 381 00:15:01,434 --> 00:15:03,336 That was holy water, Guillermo. 382 00:15:03,370 --> 00:15:06,106 Are you trying to kill me? 383 00:15:06,139 --> 00:15:07,540 She died too young. 384 00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:08,908 PRIEST: If anyone 385 00:15:08,942 --> 00:15:10,510 from the family would like 386 00:15:10,543 --> 00:15:12,579 to say a few words, 387 00:15:12,612 --> 00:15:15,315 -(hissing) -n-now would be a good time. 388 00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:19,786 LASZLO: Good night, my darling. 389 00:15:19,819 --> 00:15:21,488 Good night, my darling. 390 00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:27,094 MAN (over radio): West on Jefferson Avenue, 391 00:15:27,127 --> 00:15:29,029 got a late model red station wagon. 392 00:15:29,062 --> 00:15:31,564 10-96. Escaped mental patient. 393 00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:34,434 -So, my boy Sean... -Ca-caw! 394 00:15:34,467 --> 00:15:36,636 came to the corner store down on Eastern Parkway 395 00:15:36,669 --> 00:15:39,006 to get some Twizzlers, but they only had a family size. 396 00:15:39,039 --> 00:15:41,308 -Yo, shut up, shut up, look. -What, man? I'm telling a... 397 00:15:41,341 --> 00:15:43,043 -Yo! Whoa! -TEEN 2: What the fu...? Dude, what? 398 00:15:43,076 --> 00:15:44,877 Holy shit. Oh, my God. 399 00:15:44,911 --> 00:15:46,313 TEEN 1: Whoa! 400 00:15:46,346 --> 00:15:48,115 -TEEN 2: Dude, holy... Yo... -(Jeff yelling) 401 00:15:48,148 --> 00:15:50,783 -TEEN 1: Holy shit! Oh, my God. -TEEN 2: Oh! Look at that! 402 00:15:50,817 --> 00:15:52,952 -TEEN 1: Look at that. -TEEN 2: Holy shit. 403 00:15:52,986 --> 00:15:54,387 Nadja! 404 00:15:54,421 --> 00:15:55,622 -TEEN 1: Are you okay? -TEEN 2: Holy shit. 405 00:15:55,655 --> 00:15:57,690 Cheeze-It, yo, yo, yo. 406 00:15:57,724 --> 00:15:59,126 -TEEN 1: Hey, hey, hey. -TEEN 2: Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 407 00:15:59,159 --> 00:16:00,860 -TEEN 1: Oh! -TEEN 2: Oh, my God. 408 00:16:02,129 --> 00:16:03,363 Nadja! 409 00:16:03,396 --> 00:16:04,998 TEEN 1: That's not-that's not yours. Hey! -TEEN 2: Dude! 410 00:16:05,032 --> 00:16:07,134 TEEN 1: Hey, hey, hey, hey. 411 00:16:07,167 --> 00:16:09,902 -(teens shouting indistinctly) -(siren wails) 412 00:16:09,936 --> 00:16:11,438 -TEEN 1: Yo, yo, yo, yo. -TEEN 2: Stop! 413 00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:12,972 JEFF (in distance): Nadja?! 414 00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,976 Nadja! 415 00:16:18,445 --> 00:16:20,080 Nadja! 416 00:16:20,113 --> 00:16:21,414 Shit. 417 00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:24,684 JEFF: Nadja! 418 00:16:24,717 --> 00:16:26,153 -Jesk? -Nadja. 419 00:16:26,186 --> 00:16:27,954 -Oh... -My Nadja. I heard your call. 420 00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:30,590 -Shh. -My destiny has brought me here, 421 00:16:30,623 --> 00:16:33,093 -and it is to be with you. -Oh. 422 00:16:33,126 --> 00:16:35,595 Jesk, uh, you-you shouldn't be here. 423 00:16:35,628 --> 00:16:36,996 -My husband lives here. -Husband? 424 00:16:37,030 --> 00:16:39,199 And he is very big, wide man, 425 00:16:39,232 --> 00:16:40,967 -and he loves to bite. -I don't give a shit. 426 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,835 -He loves to bite... -Our destiny cannot be denied. 427 00:16:42,869 --> 00:16:46,339 -Who's this, my darling? -Well... Oh... 428 00:16:46,373 --> 00:16:48,175 A gentleman caller? 429 00:16:48,208 --> 00:16:50,377 Uh, no. This is just my friend from the park. 430 00:16:50,410 --> 00:16:51,978 We're having a quick catch-up. 431 00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:54,247 I am here for Nadja. 432 00:16:55,248 --> 00:16:57,950 Nadja... is my wife. 433 00:16:57,984 --> 00:17:00,453 I should cut your head off. 434 00:17:00,487 --> 00:17:02,555 Oh, L-Laszlo, you don't need to do that. 435 00:17:02,589 --> 00:17:05,358 I always have. (chuckles) 436 00:17:05,392 --> 00:17:06,359 -Wait, what? -What? 437 00:17:06,393 --> 00:17:07,360 I know who you are. 438 00:17:07,394 --> 00:17:09,696 Outward appearance may have changed. 439 00:17:09,729 --> 00:17:11,364 The pattern remains the same. 440 00:17:11,398 --> 00:17:13,766 You get reborn, you try and find her, 441 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:16,203 and I cut your head off. 442 00:17:16,236 --> 00:17:18,138 (Nadja gasps) 443 00:17:18,171 --> 00:17:20,540 -(flesh squishes) -(man screams) 444 00:17:20,573 --> 00:17:22,575 -Oh, shit. -(chuckling) 445 00:17:24,811 --> 00:17:26,479 When I was a street thief? 446 00:17:26,513 --> 00:17:28,181 I had the cleaver in my hand. 447 00:17:28,215 --> 00:17:29,982 -(man screams) -(flesh squishes) 448 00:17:30,016 --> 00:17:31,384 When I was a naval officer? 449 00:17:31,418 --> 00:17:32,919 I was on board that ship with a cutlass. 450 00:17:32,952 --> 00:17:34,521 -(man screams, knife scrapes) -JEFF: When I was atop 451 00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:35,855 -that horse in the battlefield in... -Yeah, yeah. 452 00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:37,524 -That was me. -(horse neighing) 453 00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:38,558 The Amazon explorer? 454 00:17:38,591 --> 00:17:40,327 Guess who tipped off the natives. 455 00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:42,229 -When I was a mouse? -I was a cat. -(cat growls) 456 00:17:42,262 --> 00:17:43,896 When he was a washer woman? 457 00:17:43,930 --> 00:17:46,366 -We can do this all night. -Really? 458 00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:48,435 -You're an evil genius. -My darling, 459 00:17:48,468 --> 00:17:51,471 every time doughboy turns up, you start crying. 460 00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:53,873 Now, I'm not having that. 461 00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:56,909 You're my sweet baby, and I'm here to stop that kind of jive. 462 00:17:56,943 --> 00:17:59,579 Aw. Crazy knight in... 463 00:17:59,612 --> 00:18:02,014 shining black coat. (chuckles) 464 00:18:02,048 --> 00:18:03,383 Oh, Laszlo. 465 00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:05,418 JEFF: Well, this is fucked up. 466 00:18:05,452 --> 00:18:06,886 -Should we get on with it? -No. No. 467 00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:09,856 Let him have at least one full life, my darling. 468 00:18:09,889 --> 00:18:11,158 Is this what you want? 469 00:18:11,191 --> 00:18:13,092 Why... y-yes. 470 00:18:14,261 --> 00:18:15,728 I suggest you fuck off 471 00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:18,064 and never darken our doorstep again. 472 00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:21,834 My wife has everything she needs with me. Is that understood? 473 00:18:21,868 --> 00:18:24,671 -Goodbye. -(chuckles) 474 00:18:24,704 --> 00:18:26,206 May-Maybe I'll see you in the next life. 475 00:18:26,239 --> 00:18:28,040 -Yeah, maybe you won't. -Oh, okay. All right. 476 00:18:28,074 --> 00:18:29,409 All right, all right. I'm going. 477 00:18:29,442 --> 00:18:31,878 -May-Maybe you will. -Mm-hmm. 478 00:18:31,911 --> 00:18:36,082 Now, my darling. I've created something for you. 479 00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:37,917 Here's your surprise. 480 00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:40,887 (gasps, chuckles) It's me. 481 00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:42,889 -It is the most beautiful thing -That's it. 482 00:18:42,922 --> 00:18:45,292 -my eyes has ever witnessed. -I'm out of here. 483 00:18:45,325 --> 00:18:46,893 Farewell, my love... (grunts) 484 00:18:46,926 --> 00:18:48,228 -LASZLO: Ooh! -(Nadja gasps) 485 00:18:48,261 --> 00:18:50,463 -Bloody not. -Laszlo, what the 486 00:18:50,497 --> 00:18:52,665 -fucking hell have you done?! -No, no, no, no, my darling. 487 00:18:52,699 --> 00:18:54,234 I swear, that had nothing to do with me. 488 00:18:54,267 --> 00:18:55,635 NADJA: Aw. Ew. 489 00:18:55,668 --> 00:18:58,705 I'll leave you some time alone with... 490 00:18:58,738 --> 00:19:00,139 whatever his name is. 491 00:19:01,374 --> 00:19:03,410 Oh, Gregor, 492 00:19:03,443 --> 00:19:06,613 thank you for all the lovely times, and I'll see you soon. 493 00:19:15,455 --> 00:19:17,390 NANDOR: Guillermo? 494 00:19:17,424 --> 00:19:19,559 -Yes, Master? -You all right? 495 00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:21,093 I'm just tired, Master. 496 00:19:21,127 --> 00:19:22,729 You sure? 497 00:19:22,762 --> 00:19:25,532 Yes, I'm sure. Time for bed. 498 00:19:25,565 --> 00:19:29,135 What was the results of your ancestry test? 499 00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:32,339 * Gliding side by side... * 500 00:19:32,372 --> 00:19:35,942 Just... stereotypical... Mexican. 501 00:19:35,975 --> 00:19:38,511 -Piñata farmers. -Piñata farmers. Mm-hmm. 502 00:19:38,545 --> 00:19:40,513 There's nothing to be ashamed of. 503 00:19:40,547 --> 00:19:42,515 People love piñatas. 504 00:19:42,549 --> 00:19:45,618 Someone's got to breed those colorful donkeys. 505 00:19:45,652 --> 00:19:47,587 Thank you, Master. 506 00:19:47,620 --> 00:19:50,590 * Underneath the moon... * 507 00:19:50,623 --> 00:19:54,160 Thank you for helping me tonight on my saddest night. 508 00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:57,096 Even though you did throw holy water onto me! 509 00:19:57,129 --> 00:20:00,267 Do you remember that?! It really burned! 510 00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:02,134 -Sorry. -Why would you do that?! 511 00:20:02,168 --> 00:20:04,170 Outrageous! 512 00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:06,138 Aah, my burns! 513 00:20:06,172 --> 00:20:09,175 From the holy water that you threw on me. 514 00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:11,611 That is one demerit point for you, 515 00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:14,447 and one more year as my familiar. 516 00:20:14,481 --> 00:20:16,148 Good night. 517 00:20:16,182 --> 00:20:18,485 * Underneath the silvery moon... * 518 00:20:18,518 --> 00:20:20,887 -Guillermo? -Hmm? 519 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:23,323 You're having a serious thought? 520 00:20:23,356 --> 00:20:24,891 No. 521 00:20:24,924 --> 00:20:27,694 Oh, yeah, you probably weren't. 522 00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:29,362 Good night. 523 00:20:29,396 --> 00:20:32,098 Good night, Master. 524 00:20:35,001 --> 00:20:38,004 * Underneath the moon with shadows creeping * 525 00:20:38,037 --> 00:20:39,672 * Underneath the silvery moon * 526 00:20:39,706 --> 00:20:43,876 * Making love while all the world is sleeping * 527 00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:46,212 * Making love while the world sleeps * 528 00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:49,115 -* Come along, my dear * -* Come along, my dear * 529 00:20:49,148 --> 00:20:52,485 -* I am waiting here * -* I am waiting here * 530 00:20:52,519 --> 00:20:55,655 * Waiting underneath * 531 00:20:55,688 --> 00:20:58,224 -* The * -(shudders) 532 00:20:58,257 --> 00:21:00,293 * Moon. * 533 00:21:03,630 --> 00:21:05,632 ("Holy Water" by Struggle Jennings playing) 534 00:21:07,700 --> 00:21:10,770 (chuckling in song) 535 00:21:10,803 --> 00:21:12,572 (crows cawing) 536 00:21:12,605 --> 00:21:15,274 * Yo, let me get two rounds * 537 00:21:17,176 --> 00:21:19,779 -* Shaolin, the warriors' home * -* Yeah * 538 00:21:19,812 --> 00:21:21,781 * Used to love the street, euphoria's gone * 539 00:21:21,814 --> 00:21:24,183 * Crack dealer, sorcerer's stone * 540 00:21:24,216 --> 00:21:25,885 * See, my son, he was born as a clone * 541 00:21:25,918 --> 00:21:27,720 * Take a seat at the throne * 542 00:21:27,754 --> 00:21:29,722 * Elvis left the building, eagle has flown * 543 00:21:29,756 --> 00:21:31,891 * I've been mindin' my own, so just leave me alone * 544 00:21:31,924 --> 00:21:34,494 * This is the season of gods, I'm-a even the odds * 545 00:21:34,527 --> 00:21:36,763 * You can read between the lines 'cause I'm speakin' in psalms * 546 00:21:36,796 --> 00:21:40,266 * Oh, oh, take a shot of that holy water * 547 00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:42,802 * Ha, have a talk with the Holy Father * 548 00:21:42,835 --> 00:21:44,571 * I know that you hear me, I hope you forgive me * 549 00:21:44,604 --> 00:21:46,272 * 'Cause tonight I'm pressin' hard * 550 00:21:46,305 --> 00:21:47,707 * With all the strength that you give me * 551 00:21:47,740 --> 00:21:49,342 * Ah! * 552 00:21:49,376 --> 00:21:52,178 (laughing) 553 00:21:59,185 --> 00:22:01,187 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH 37227

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