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*
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00:00:04,905 --> 00:00:08,242
NADJA:
I have given a strange girl
the most beautiful gift--
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00:00:08,276 --> 00:00:10,078
the gift of becoming a vampiric
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00:00:10,111 --> 00:00:13,047
bloodsucking creature
of the shadows.
5
00:00:13,081 --> 00:00:14,382
Did you see that?
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00:00:14,415 --> 00:00:15,649
NADJA:
She has not yet blossomed
7
00:00:15,683 --> 00:00:18,519
into her full vampiric state,
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00:00:18,552 --> 00:00:20,254
but I think she is on her way.
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(quietly): Oh, what the hell
is happening to me?
10
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(takes deep breath)
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00:00:25,193 --> 00:00:26,560
JENNA:
Sorry if I don't
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00:00:26,594 --> 00:00:29,163
seem up to my normal self.
I just...
13
00:00:29,197 --> 00:00:31,432
I've just been
going through changes.
14
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(hissing)
15
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Having crazy dreams.
16
00:00:35,636 --> 00:00:36,970
Like, super weird.
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My friends have noticed.
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(grunts)
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Mood swings.
Unusual cravings.
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00:00:46,914 --> 00:00:49,717
-(creature squeals)
-(hisses)
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00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:51,952
I'm usually a flexatarian.
22
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Who else?
Michelangelo Buonarroti.
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00:00:54,222 --> 00:00:55,689
-(hissing)
-Michelangelo...
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00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:57,591
JENNA:
I've developed
an eye sensitivity
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00:00:57,625 --> 00:01:00,328
and skin sensitivity.
26
00:01:01,962 --> 00:01:04,031
-And sometimes...
-(whimpering)
27
00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:05,633
sometimes I have this urge
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00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:08,068
to tear my roommate to shreds.
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("You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing)
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* Don't sing if you want
to live long *
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* They have no use
for your song *
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* You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead *
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* You're dead
and out of this world *
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* Now your hope and compassion
is gone *
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* You sold out your dream
to the world *
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00:01:28,189 --> 00:01:30,558
* Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead *
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00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:32,626
* You're dead
and out of this world. *
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*
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NANDOR: Thank you all for
coming to this house meeting.
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I must remind everyone that
if you are gonna entice a victim
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into the house
and then you let them live,
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00:01:54,148 --> 00:01:55,283
show them out.
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-Loud and clear.
-Fair enough.
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-It's common courtesy.
-NADJA: All right. Yes.
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-It is.
-It is.
-Also,
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is it possible,
for when you leave the house,
47
00:02:02,022 --> 00:02:05,025
to blow out the candles?
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Observe. (blows)
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00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:10,631
Simple as that.
Major catastrophe
50
00:02:10,664 --> 00:02:12,266
-averted.
-LASZLO: What is that
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00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:14,268
disgusting, putrefied smell?
52
00:02:14,302 --> 00:02:16,537
Like a... snake in heat?
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00:02:16,570 --> 00:02:18,005
That may be me.
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I'm wearing a new cologne called
"Mr. Hijinks."
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-NANDOR: Okay, great. I am...
-Aftershave?
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COLIN:
It's a cologne-aftershave mix
57
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-and I found it
in the bathroom at work.
-NANDOR: Eh, great.
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00:02:27,348 --> 00:02:29,517
Can we just not talk about
the cologne anymore, please?
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00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:31,018
-Why would you use a cologne?
-NANDOR: Shush!
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To annoy you.
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-Touché.
-NANDOR: Please,
I am speaking here!
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00:02:34,555 --> 00:02:37,057
And when I was the leader
of my country,
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I would kill anyone
who disrespected me
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when I'm talking about candles.
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00:02:41,862 --> 00:02:44,698
You were the leader
of a country?
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00:02:44,732 --> 00:02:48,569
Yes. I was the leader
of Al Quolanudar.
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00:02:48,602 --> 00:02:51,205
That sounds like
you just made it up.
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00:02:51,239 --> 00:02:53,006
-COLIN: Sounds fake.
-No, I have not just made it up.
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It's a real country.
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It's not a fake country,
it's a real country.
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Al Quolanudar.
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-Bless you.
-NANDOR: Guillermo, go on your
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00:02:59,713 --> 00:03:02,650
intelligent telephone machine
and l-look it up.
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00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:03,684
GUILLERMO:
Spell that A...
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00:03:03,717 --> 00:03:04,852
-A-L. New word.
-Uh-huh.
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00:03:04,885 --> 00:03:06,487
-I've got it.
-NANDOR: Oh, great!
77
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Uh, how-how's it doing?
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00:03:08,222 --> 00:03:10,824
Not so hot.
It's dissolved.
79
00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:14,562
-Wha... When did this happen?
-1401.
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00:03:14,595 --> 00:03:16,830
(whimpers)
81
00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:18,499
NANDOR:
To find out that your country
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00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:21,669
has not existed since 1401
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00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:23,371
is a pretty sudden shock.
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00:03:24,572 --> 00:03:26,374
It was my home.
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00:03:26,407 --> 00:03:29,176
Yes, I was driven out
for pillaging
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and killing and torturing,
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00:03:32,313 --> 00:03:35,383
and that's fair enough, really.
But now what do I have?
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00:03:37,150 --> 00:03:39,987
Nowhere is my home.
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00:03:42,256 --> 00:03:43,891
Aah!
(hissing)
90
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(sucks teeth)
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00:03:45,359 --> 00:03:48,028
NADJA:
It is very disgusting for me to
see this little one like this.
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00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:49,229
She is like a disabled,
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very sickly donkey
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that you want to smash
in the skull because it is just
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00:03:54,268 --> 00:03:56,036
too pitiful to look at.
96
00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:57,438
Eh, I suppose I was not
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00:03:57,471 --> 00:03:58,872
much different when I first
became a vampire.
98
00:03:58,906 --> 00:04:00,408
No one had had
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00:04:00,441 --> 00:04:03,444
"the talk" with me
about my unholy transition.
100
00:04:03,477 --> 00:04:06,146
I had had no one to guide me.
101
00:04:06,179 --> 00:04:09,950
(hissing)
102
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(groans)
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This is a bag of soil
from my homeland
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00:04:14,288 --> 00:04:15,923
that I take with me
when I travel.
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00:04:15,956 --> 00:04:19,560
'Tis all that is left
of Al Quolanudar.
106
00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:22,095
Al Quolanudar!
107
00:04:22,129 --> 00:04:24,798
Al Quolanudar... Shit.
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00:04:29,703 --> 00:04:31,605
(car alarm chirps)
109
00:04:31,639 --> 00:04:33,407
(growling)
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Oh, my God!
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Forget it.
112
00:04:37,010 --> 00:04:38,446
What?
113
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You are released.
114
00:04:40,047 --> 00:04:41,949
I'm not hungry.
115
00:04:41,982 --> 00:04:43,751
It's just...
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00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:47,087
I just found out that my country
doesn't exist anymore
117
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,922
and I'm really depressed
about it.
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And I've lost my appetite.
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You don't want to hear
about all this.
120
00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:54,762
-Y-You were running away.
-W...
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00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:56,664
Are you okay?
122
00:04:56,697 --> 00:04:59,032
It's kind of you to ask,
but really, you go.
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00:04:59,066 --> 00:05:01,134
Flee. Flee!
124
00:05:05,539 --> 00:05:06,874
Master, are you all right?
125
00:05:06,907 --> 00:05:10,811
I have no country.
I have no home.
126
00:05:10,844 --> 00:05:13,981
What? No, this is your home.
127
00:05:14,014 --> 00:05:15,883
And this is your country.
128
00:05:15,916 --> 00:05:18,486
No, it's not and it's not.
129
00:05:18,519 --> 00:05:21,254
Well, maybe you'd feel better
if you were an American citizen?
130
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:24,992
-Is that possible?
-Of course.
131
00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:27,127
Yes.
132
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:30,498
I will make an alliance
with this unholy nation
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00:05:30,531 --> 00:05:32,966
and make this place my home!
134
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,067
There you go.
135
00:05:34,101 --> 00:05:35,235
I think that's a bus stop there.
136
00:05:35,268 --> 00:05:37,270
I'll see you back at home.
137
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(squeaking)
138
00:05:42,710 --> 00:05:44,812
Yeah, it's become
pretty clear to me
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-that I'm turning
into a vampire.
-I bit your neck.
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00:05:48,115 --> 00:05:50,884
I made you drink my blood.
What did you think I was doing?
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00:05:50,918 --> 00:05:54,755
I don't know. I-I just didn't
think vampires existed and...
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00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:58,692
(scoffs) You are giving me
sarcasm? (laughs)
143
00:05:58,726 --> 00:06:01,228
I-I enjoy.
(laughs)
144
00:06:01,261 --> 00:06:03,731
Am I gonna feel like crap
for all eternity?
145
00:06:03,764 --> 00:06:07,668
Darling, you feel like crap
because you are eating crap.
146
00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:10,237
You are living
like a little chimney boy.
147
00:06:10,270 --> 00:06:13,507
If you want to be a powerful,
strong vampire,
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00:06:13,541 --> 00:06:15,943
you just have to complete
your transition.
149
00:06:15,976 --> 00:06:18,779
-How do I do that?
-Darling, it's nothing. You just
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00:06:18,812 --> 00:06:21,214
got to drink
some human blood, baby.
151
00:06:21,248 --> 00:06:25,252
That's all. I am going
to teach you how to kill.
152
00:06:25,285 --> 00:06:27,287
Okay, is there any way I could
just drink their blood,
153
00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:29,757
-but not kill them?
-Shh.
154
00:06:29,790 --> 00:06:33,160
-You just shut up now,
my stupid little baby.
-Okay.
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00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:38,231
GUILLERMO:
So I promised
to help my master
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00:06:38,265 --> 00:06:41,034
-apply for citizenship.
-NANDOR: Yes?
157
00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:43,036
Ah, Guillermo. Excellent.
158
00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:45,439
I called Immigration, and
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00:06:45,473 --> 00:06:48,141
you are eligible
for citizenship.
160
00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:49,543
-You actually
started the process,
-Great.
161
00:06:49,577 --> 00:06:51,111
but you didn't finish.
162
00:06:51,144 --> 00:06:52,145
I didn't?
163
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No. 1992.
164
00:06:54,281 --> 00:06:56,617
I did apply
for my American citizenship
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00:06:56,650 --> 00:06:58,819
back in 1992.
166
00:06:58,852 --> 00:07:01,955
For five reasons
and five reasons only:
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Johnson, Jordan,
Bird, Barkley, Ewing.
168
00:07:06,794 --> 00:07:09,429
The starting lineup for the 1992
169
00:07:09,463 --> 00:07:13,400
U.S. Olympic
men's basketball team.
170
00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:15,469
-The Dream Team, baby.
-* I got the moves... *
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00:07:15,503 --> 00:07:18,271
I call this my Dunk Zone.
172
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They were merciless.
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00:07:19,973 --> 00:07:21,809
Titans amongst men.
174
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Conquerors of the court.
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00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:24,812
I simply had to
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pledge my undying allegiance
to their nation.
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00:07:27,981 --> 00:07:29,016
GUILLERMO:
Well, what happened in 1992?
178
00:07:29,049 --> 00:07:31,919
Why didn't you
complete the process?
179
00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:35,623
Probably because the Macarena
swept the nation.
180
00:07:35,656 --> 00:07:39,192
So... I didn't really have time
for anything else.
181
00:07:39,226 --> 00:07:42,095
Okay, every vampire has
their own special power.
182
00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:43,997
So, we need to work out
what yours is,
183
00:07:44,031 --> 00:07:47,334
so you can trap and kill
your first human meal.
184
00:07:47,367 --> 00:07:49,770
I can fold my tongue
like a taco.
185
00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:51,004
What's that? Oh, no.
186
00:07:51,038 --> 00:07:53,807
No. Let's try... You seduce me.
187
00:07:53,841 --> 00:07:55,643
I am just stupid human man.
188
00:07:55,676 --> 00:07:57,845
Oh, ouch, ouch, my balls.
189
00:07:57,878 --> 00:08:00,280
I'd love to drink beer.
190
00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:03,383
-Okay.
-Bite your lip seductively.
191
00:08:03,416 --> 00:08:05,285
(lip crunches)
192
00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:06,954
-Ow.
-Okay.
193
00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:10,223
Maybe seduction
isn't your special power.
194
00:08:10,257 --> 00:08:11,491
Well, what's your power?
195
00:08:11,525 --> 00:08:13,861
I am an excellent crawler.
196
00:08:13,894 --> 00:08:15,062
-You can see.
-Oh.
197
00:08:19,767 --> 00:08:21,702
(quietly):
Oh, she can do everything.
198
00:08:21,735 --> 00:08:23,871
Come on, try it. Maybe you're
a creepy crawler like me.
199
00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:26,206
Darling, it's very easy,
200
00:08:26,239 --> 00:08:28,341
you just scratch up the wall.
201
00:08:28,375 --> 00:08:31,311
That's right. Come on.
That's it. You're doing...
202
00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:33,914
(screams, grunts)
203
00:08:33,947 --> 00:08:35,649
-Oh, no, are you okay?
-(groans)
204
00:08:35,683 --> 00:08:37,250
What the hell is going on?
205
00:08:37,284 --> 00:08:40,220
What's all this mess
and what are you doing up there?
206
00:08:40,253 --> 00:08:42,556
Calm down, Laszlo. I was just
teaching the little stupid baby
207
00:08:42,590 --> 00:08:44,024
vampire how to crawl.
208
00:08:44,057 --> 00:08:45,325
-Who?
-Jenna.
209
00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:46,860
-Who's Jenna?
-She's right there.
210
00:08:46,894 --> 00:08:49,162
Oh, right, I didn't see you.
211
00:08:49,196 --> 00:08:50,530
She should be in a bloody cage.
212
00:08:50,564 --> 00:08:52,265
(gasps) Laszlo.
(hisses)
213
00:08:52,299 --> 00:08:54,668
-(both hissing)
-JENNA: That's a horrible
thing to say.
214
00:08:54,702 --> 00:08:57,270
Ah, see what you've done.
Ruined her confidence. (hisses)
215
00:08:57,304 --> 00:09:00,941
-(door slams)
-Damn.
-Idiot. (hisses)
216
00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:03,410
GUILLERMO:
Okay, just imagine we're at
the Immigration office
217
00:09:03,443 --> 00:09:04,945
and I'll be
the government official.
218
00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:06,580
When and where were you born?
219
00:09:06,614 --> 00:09:09,783
Al Quolanudar. Eh, 1262.
220
00:09:09,817 --> 00:09:11,018
And where is that?
221
00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:12,219
Southern Iran.
222
00:09:12,252 --> 00:09:13,553
Mm-hmm.
223
00:09:13,587 --> 00:09:15,255
Maybe not mention Iran.
224
00:09:15,288 --> 00:09:16,790
Why did you leave your country?
225
00:09:16,824 --> 00:09:20,293
Standard reasons.
Uh, driven out by peasants.
226
00:09:21,995 --> 00:09:23,563
How many times
have you been married?
227
00:09:23,597 --> 00:09:25,565
-Just the once.
-Okay.
228
00:09:25,599 --> 00:09:26,800
To 37 women.
229
00:09:28,736 --> 00:09:30,270
-(knocking)
-NADJA: Jenna,
230
00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:33,240
Laszlo is very sorry
and he has something to say.
231
00:09:33,273 --> 00:09:35,442
I say, little vampire,
232
00:09:35,475 --> 00:09:37,444
I'm very sorry for saying
233
00:09:37,477 --> 00:09:39,446
you should be kept in a cage.
234
00:09:39,479 --> 00:09:42,249
All of my knowledge
and the best of my abilities
235
00:09:42,282 --> 00:09:43,416
will turn you into
236
00:09:43,450 --> 00:09:47,220
the most impressive vampire
there is.
237
00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:48,656
(whispers):
Yes!
238
00:09:48,689 --> 00:09:50,624
Hello.
239
00:09:50,658 --> 00:09:53,493
-Really?
-Absolutely.
240
00:09:53,526 --> 00:09:54,995
Who is George Washington?
241
00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:56,496
-George Washington?
-Yes.
242
00:09:56,529 --> 00:10:00,567
America's first gay president.
243
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,936
I don't think that George
Washington was actually...
244
00:10:02,970 --> 00:10:04,471
Yes.
245
00:10:04,504 --> 00:10:07,440
-Hello, Nandor!
-Hello.
246
00:10:07,474 --> 00:10:08,842
Is that that virgin girl?
247
00:10:08,876 --> 00:10:10,343
Hi.
248
00:10:11,378 --> 00:10:12,612
Is she a vampire now?
249
00:10:12,646 --> 00:10:15,348
Well, she's got fangs
and the white pale face--
250
00:10:15,382 --> 00:10:16,984
it's a pretty major clue.
251
00:10:17,017 --> 00:10:20,688
(sighs)
Anyway, which one is better:
252
00:10:20,721 --> 00:10:22,823
alt-right or Antifa?
253
00:10:22,856 --> 00:10:24,992
I'm trying to decide
which team to join...
254
00:10:25,025 --> 00:10:28,361
GUILLERMO:
I just, uh, found out
that Nadja has turned someone--
255
00:10:28,395 --> 00:10:30,798
someone so random,
it's crazy, like, it's crazy--
256
00:10:30,831 --> 00:10:33,300
into a vampire.
257
00:10:33,333 --> 00:10:35,669
(muffled shrieking)
258
00:10:35,703 --> 00:10:37,671
The transformation into a bat
259
00:10:37,705 --> 00:10:39,506
is probably
the most important thing
260
00:10:39,539 --> 00:10:41,508
-a vampire can do.
-NADJA: Yes.
261
00:10:41,541 --> 00:10:42,943
Do you have somewhere
that I could put my clothes?
262
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:44,377
-No, no, no. Don't do that.
-Wait, what are you doing?
263
00:10:44,411 --> 00:10:47,647
If I'm gonna be a bat,
then don't I have to get...
264
00:10:47,681 --> 00:10:49,249
nak...
Where do my clothes go?
265
00:10:50,751 --> 00:10:51,952
Huh.
266
00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:53,220
Um...
267
00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:55,488
let's not get bogged down
in the details.
268
00:10:55,522 --> 00:10:57,657
-Keep your clothes on for now.
-Oh, okay.
269
00:10:58,759 --> 00:11:00,293
Right.
270
00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:02,062
When I turn into a bat,
271
00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:03,731
there's no real skill
to it at all.
272
00:11:03,764 --> 00:11:06,033
I just shout "bat!"
273
00:11:06,066 --> 00:11:07,901
(squeaking)
274
00:11:07,935 --> 00:11:09,502
Human form!
275
00:11:09,536 --> 00:11:11,671
-Much like that.
-Oh, wow.
276
00:11:11,705 --> 00:11:12,706
Your turn.
277
00:11:12,740 --> 00:11:14,241
Okay.
278
00:11:14,274 --> 00:11:15,475
(exhales)
279
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:18,078
Bat!
280
00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:19,713
-(high-pitched screaming)
-Oh.
-Ooh.
281
00:11:19,747 --> 00:11:21,882
NADJA:
It's okay. Calm down
and just stop screaming.
282
00:11:21,915 --> 00:11:23,483
-Terrifying.
-What the heck?
283
00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:24,985
-What would you even call that?
-I don't know.
284
00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:26,820
"We, the people..."
285
00:11:26,854 --> 00:11:28,756
We, the people...
286
00:11:28,789 --> 00:11:30,590
-"We, the..."
-(loud thud)
287
00:11:30,623 --> 00:11:32,359
-JENNA: Ow!
-What was that?
288
00:11:32,392 --> 00:11:35,395
Sounded like someone threw
a bag of garbage off the roof.
289
00:11:35,428 --> 00:11:37,865
Well, go and investigate.
290
00:11:42,970 --> 00:11:44,504
Sorry, hi.
291
00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:46,740
-Yep. Bag of garbage.
-Uh, hi.
292
00:11:46,774 --> 00:11:48,909
Is there any way
you could let me back in?
293
00:11:48,942 --> 00:11:50,744
Yeah.
294
00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:54,081
(quietly):
You can figure it out
on your own
295
00:11:54,114 --> 00:11:55,715
since you're
a fucking vampire now.
296
00:11:55,749 --> 00:11:57,017
JENNA:
Guillermo?
297
00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:59,987
I can hear you.
Heightened senses.
298
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:07,127
NADJA:
I just don't understand.
Turning into a bat
299
00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:09,629
is the easiest thing
for a vampire to do.
300
00:12:09,662 --> 00:12:12,800
I am not disappointed
with Jenna's progress so far.
301
00:12:12,833 --> 00:12:16,136
So, you know, maybe she
doesn't have a special power.
302
00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:18,471
So what?
She's a below-average vampire.
303
00:12:18,505 --> 00:12:20,473
Either way, I do think
she's very much ready
304
00:12:20,507 --> 00:12:22,075
for her first human meal.
305
00:12:22,109 --> 00:12:23,476
I believe in you very much.
306
00:12:23,510 --> 00:12:24,744
We're going to go to a party
307
00:12:24,778 --> 00:12:26,279
full of hot idiots.
308
00:12:26,313 --> 00:12:27,781
We demand you invite us
309
00:12:27,815 --> 00:12:30,250
inside your house carnival, now.
310
00:12:30,283 --> 00:12:32,052
Yeah, that's gonna be a "no."
311
00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:33,320
Ew.
312
00:12:33,353 --> 00:12:35,923
We will do whatever the hell
we want to do.
313
00:12:35,956 --> 00:12:39,893
And you will respect women
a lot more after this, okay?
314
00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:41,094
Okay.
315
00:12:41,128 --> 00:12:42,830
(dramatic music playing)
316
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:47,234
NANDOR:
Obviously, I'm just going to
317
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:51,171
hypnotize my interviewer
into giving me my citizenship.
318
00:12:51,204 --> 00:12:54,174
When was the last time you
traveled out of this country?
319
00:12:54,207 --> 00:12:55,809
Listen to my words.
320
00:12:55,843 --> 00:12:58,278
You will grant me
321
00:12:58,311 --> 00:13:01,014
my American citizenship.
322
00:13:01,048 --> 00:13:04,852
Make me one
with your evil empire.
323
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:08,922
Is this a joke to you, sir?
324
00:13:08,956 --> 00:13:10,924
Um...
325
00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:12,559
No.
326
00:13:14,494 --> 00:13:16,429
-Good.
-NANDOR: It seems
327
00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:18,598
that, uh, government workers
328
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:21,334
are immune to hypnotism.
329
00:13:21,368 --> 00:13:24,671
It's like their souls are dead
or something.
330
00:13:24,704 --> 00:13:27,274
Please describe
the right to bear arms.
331
00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:30,643
NANDOR:
If it's a nice day,
332
00:13:30,677 --> 00:13:34,547
you should have the right
333
00:13:34,581 --> 00:13:37,817
to bare your arms.
334
00:13:37,851 --> 00:13:40,520
All right.
Moving on.
335
00:13:40,553 --> 00:13:41,521
NANDOR (whispers):
I don't detect
336
00:13:41,554 --> 00:13:43,891
any human left in them.
337
00:13:43,924 --> 00:13:45,825
-(ska band playing)
-NADJA: Right. Who in here looks
338
00:13:45,859 --> 00:13:47,861
lovely, yummy-yummy,
tasty enough to eat?
339
00:13:47,895 --> 00:13:49,329
Oh, what about him?
340
00:13:49,362 --> 00:13:50,964
He looks like
a really good laugh.
341
00:13:50,998 --> 00:13:52,632
JENNA:
He's in my stats class.
342
00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:54,001
So?
343
00:13:54,034 --> 00:13:56,136
So, I-I cannot kill him
344
00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:58,371
because that would be
a very big blow to his family.
345
00:13:58,405 --> 00:14:00,573
I can't take that on,
emotionally.
346
00:14:00,607 --> 00:14:01,841
Please, darling, listen to me.
347
00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:04,411
We are in a room
full of pure asshole.
348
00:14:04,444 --> 00:14:06,179
You can do no wrong.
Honestly.
349
00:14:06,213 --> 00:14:09,016
I believe in you, my darling.
(exclaims)
350
00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:10,417
-Okay.
-Okay.
351
00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:13,386
We elect a president
for how many years?
352
00:14:13,420 --> 00:14:15,722
A thousand years.
353
00:14:20,928 --> 00:14:22,029
Okay.
354
00:14:22,062 --> 00:14:23,696
The idea of self-government
355
00:14:23,730 --> 00:14:26,833
is in the first three words
of the Constitution.
356
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,969
So, what are these words?
357
00:14:31,804 --> 00:14:32,872
Hmm?
358
00:14:32,906 --> 00:14:36,209
"Hey... you guys."
359
00:14:36,243 --> 00:14:37,911
Yeah. Okay.
360
00:14:37,945 --> 00:14:41,781
What does the Constitution
do for the people?
361
00:14:41,814 --> 00:14:43,416
-It...
-Oppresses them.
362
00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:48,121
Try and get his attention,
darling.
363
00:14:48,155 --> 00:14:49,789
Lovely red face.
364
00:14:49,822 --> 00:14:51,959
Are you enjoying your drink?
365
00:14:51,992 --> 00:14:54,594
Are you enjoying your drink?!
366
00:14:54,627 --> 00:14:56,863
-I don't think he hears me.
-No,
367
00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:58,798
I just think maybe
you're not trying hard enough.
368
00:14:58,831 --> 00:15:00,133
Just watch me, okay?
369
00:15:00,167 --> 00:15:02,069
Oh, hello.
370
00:15:02,102 --> 00:15:06,306
Oops, I'm... very sorry
for bumping into you.
371
00:15:06,339 --> 00:15:08,408
I will punish myself later,
372
00:15:08,441 --> 00:15:10,710
'cause I'm such a bad girl.
373
00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:12,112
Who are your parents?
374
00:15:12,145 --> 00:15:13,613
They are very bad
375
00:15:13,646 --> 00:15:17,584
for making such a big boy.
376
00:15:17,617 --> 00:15:19,286
I love you.
377
00:15:19,319 --> 00:15:20,787
So much.
378
00:15:20,820 --> 00:15:23,090
See? It's very, very easy.
379
00:15:23,123 --> 00:15:25,058
Just might want to spend
the rest of my life with you.
380
00:15:25,092 --> 00:15:27,727
-I live to be your slave.
-Yes, yes. Now, go upstairs,
381
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,997
put your head
deep inside the toilet bowl,
382
00:15:30,030 --> 00:15:32,165
and flush it seven times.
383
00:15:34,167 --> 00:15:36,436
I think-I think
that was an abuse of power.
384
00:15:36,469 --> 00:15:38,505
I think it's just
an abuse of that boy.
385
00:15:38,538 --> 00:15:40,107
-Oh, my...!
-(Nadja gasps)
386
00:15:40,140 --> 00:15:41,141
Hello.
387
00:15:41,174 --> 00:15:42,242
Hello?!
388
00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:43,476
Okay. No, it's okay.
389
00:15:43,510 --> 00:15:45,245
-He'll-he'll apologize.
-No.
390
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:46,679
You have just spilled
391
00:15:46,713 --> 00:15:48,948
your tankard of mead
all over my companion.
392
00:15:48,982 --> 00:15:50,117
What? Who?
393
00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:51,184
Me.
394
00:15:51,218 --> 00:15:52,319
(hisses)
395
00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:54,187
(groans)
This is pointless!
396
00:15:54,221 --> 00:15:55,688
Nobody sees me!
397
00:15:55,722 --> 00:15:57,991
Why don't they see me?
This is pointless!
398
00:15:58,025 --> 00:15:59,492
No, darling, it's not pointless.
399
00:15:59,526 --> 00:16:01,928
No! I'm done! I'm done.
I've had it.
400
00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:03,330
-Thank you, I'm sorry.
-But...
401
00:16:03,363 --> 00:16:05,532
(Jenna exhales heavily)
Excuse me! Could you just...
402
00:16:05,565 --> 00:16:08,368
Can you just get out of my way?!
403
00:16:08,401 --> 00:16:09,936
Get out of my way!
404
00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:12,005
Why does nobody hear me?!
405
00:16:12,039 --> 00:16:13,806
(screams)
406
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:15,108
(gasps)
Wh...
407
00:16:15,142 --> 00:16:17,310
-(woman gasps)
-(man grunts)
408
00:16:17,344 --> 00:16:19,546
-Whoa!
-What is that?
409
00:16:19,579 --> 00:16:22,049
-(partygoers scream)
-(Nadja laughs)
410
00:16:22,082 --> 00:16:23,316
Did you see?
411
00:16:23,350 --> 00:16:24,984
Did anyone... Really?!
412
00:16:25,018 --> 00:16:26,153
-Jenna?
-Whoa.
413
00:16:26,186 --> 00:16:28,021
You went invisible.
414
00:16:28,055 --> 00:16:30,490
The... Didn't you see it?
415
00:16:30,523 --> 00:16:33,626
You have a very,
very special power.
416
00:16:33,660 --> 00:16:37,030
You are going to murder so many
human people with this.
417
00:16:40,167 --> 00:16:42,035
-Yes.
-(small scream)
418
00:16:42,069 --> 00:16:43,536
(screams)
419
00:16:43,570 --> 00:16:45,138
JENNA:
This is the best
night of my life!
420
00:16:45,172 --> 00:16:46,573
-Okay, wait, wait, wait.
-NADJA: Where has she gone?
421
00:16:46,606 --> 00:16:49,076
Dracula's in the house!
422
00:16:49,109 --> 00:16:50,477
Where's my Jenna?
423
00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:51,644
There she is!
424
00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:53,546
-(squeals)
-This is amazing!
425
00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:57,050
I have a cool vampire power.
426
00:16:57,084 --> 00:16:59,186
Now, I wonder if anyone looks
427
00:16:59,219 --> 00:17:00,853
a little bit yummy-scrummy-bummy
428
00:17:00,887 --> 00:17:03,490
for you to murder with
your mouth right now, hey?
429
00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:04,891
-(playing ska music)
-* Pick it up *
430
00:17:04,924 --> 00:17:06,926
* Pick it up,
pick it up, pick it up *
431
00:17:06,959 --> 00:17:08,195
* Pick it up, pick it up,
pick it up... *
432
00:17:08,228 --> 00:17:10,363
-(yells)
-(music stops, partygoers gasp)
433
00:17:10,397 --> 00:17:11,564
-(grunting)
-(Jenna grunts)
434
00:17:11,598 --> 00:17:13,032
MAN:
Pick him up!
435
00:17:13,066 --> 00:17:15,068
(grunting)
436
00:17:21,208 --> 00:17:23,210
(panting)
437
00:17:26,113 --> 00:17:28,515
-What the fuck?!
-Hi.
438
00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:29,949
Hey, there.
Um, no, it's okay.
439
00:17:29,982 --> 00:17:32,585
Aah!
(gasping)
440
00:17:32,619 --> 00:17:36,289
Ah...
441
00:17:41,594 --> 00:17:43,363
Hmm.
442
00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:46,199
Just need a little bit of...
little bit of chill.
443
00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:48,901
Okay, s-sorry.
Hold-hold still.
444
00:17:48,935 --> 00:17:51,471
Just gonna get the lid on
nice and tight and...
445
00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:54,107
on your blood, so it doesn't,
um, leak in my backpack.
446
00:17:54,141 --> 00:17:55,808
I've done as you asked,
Mistress.
447
00:17:55,842 --> 00:17:57,277
Not now, big boy.
448
00:17:57,310 --> 00:17:58,611
Go and eat some bricks.
449
00:18:00,147 --> 00:18:01,548
IMMIGRATION OFFICER:
Now,
450
00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:03,116
to test
your English comprehension,
451
00:18:03,150 --> 00:18:05,118
I'm going to ask you to recite
452
00:18:05,152 --> 00:18:06,619
the Oath of Allegiance.
453
00:18:06,653 --> 00:18:08,355
NANDOR:
Okay.
454
00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:11,291
"I hereby declare, on oath,
455
00:18:11,324 --> 00:18:13,726
"that I absolutely and entirely
renounce and abjure
456
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:16,563
"all allegiance and fidelity
to any foreign prince
457
00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:18,598
"and without
any mental reservation
458
00:18:18,631 --> 00:18:22,335
"or purpose of evasion,
so help me G..."
459
00:18:25,838 --> 00:18:28,107
So help me G...
460
00:18:28,141 --> 00:18:30,610
(sighs)
So help me G...
461
00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:34,281
Could I possibly
just skip the last bit? Huh?
462
00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:39,452
So help me Go...
(screaming)
463
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:42,289
-(flames hiss out)
-Oh...
464
00:18:42,322 --> 00:18:44,757
(muffled):
Ow. Ow.
465
00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:45,958
(groaning)
466
00:18:52,665 --> 00:18:55,368
You ready to go?
467
00:18:55,402 --> 00:18:57,270
I didn't pass.
468
00:18:57,304 --> 00:18:59,439
Made a fool out of myself.
469
00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:02,141
I have no country,
I have no home.
470
00:19:02,175 --> 00:19:04,311
I have no people.
471
00:19:04,344 --> 00:19:06,946
I'm like a little lost duck,
472
00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:09,182
floating about
in the middle of the ocean.
473
00:19:09,216 --> 00:19:11,218
Oh, will you stop fucking
complaining?
474
00:19:12,419 --> 00:19:14,521
-Excuse me?
-You know, I'm tired of it.
475
00:19:14,554 --> 00:19:16,456
So what? You're not
a fucking American citizen.
476
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:17,957
You're not
a citizen of anything.
477
00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:19,559
You're a vampire!
478
00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:21,661
Okay? You can fly.
479
00:19:21,694 --> 00:19:23,663
You can transport
anywhere as a bat!
480
00:19:23,696 --> 00:19:24,897
You are immortal.
481
00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:27,400
Do you have any idea how much
482
00:19:27,434 --> 00:19:29,536
people would pay,
who they would kill
483
00:19:29,569 --> 00:19:31,137
just to be who you are?
484
00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:32,672
To be in your shoes?
485
00:19:32,705 --> 00:19:34,741
In your fucking shoes!
486
00:19:34,774 --> 00:19:37,577
You should be fucking proud
of yourself.
487
00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:39,712
Proud of who you are.
488
00:19:39,746 --> 00:19:42,715
Wow.
489
00:19:42,749 --> 00:19:44,016
Guillermo.
490
00:19:45,252 --> 00:19:47,420
You are right.
491
00:19:47,454 --> 00:19:49,689
I am a vampire.
492
00:19:49,722 --> 00:19:52,925
A cool and powerful vampire.
493
00:19:56,396 --> 00:19:58,665
Hear my words!
494
00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:02,402
I am a proud vampire!
495
00:20:02,435 --> 00:20:05,204
I will not bow down
496
00:20:05,238 --> 00:20:07,374
to your pathetic bureaucracies.
497
00:20:07,407 --> 00:20:10,877
It is you
who will bow down to me!
498
00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:13,613
I don't need your citizenship.
499
00:20:13,646 --> 00:20:15,047
I will rule
500
00:20:15,081 --> 00:20:17,850
this earth for eternity
501
00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:19,419
as you rot
502
00:20:19,452 --> 00:20:22,255
and your bones turn to dust!
503
00:20:22,289 --> 00:20:23,390
(car alarm blaring)
504
00:20:23,423 --> 00:20:24,957
Yes!
505
00:20:24,991 --> 00:20:27,427
Sound the alarms!
506
00:20:27,460 --> 00:20:30,697
It won't make no difference!
507
00:20:30,730 --> 00:20:32,732
(car alarm dies away)
508
00:20:34,166 --> 00:20:36,168
(Nandor exhales)
509
00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:41,574
Guillermo...
510
00:20:41,608 --> 00:20:45,412
I appreciate you telling me
how it is back there.
511
00:20:45,445 --> 00:20:49,248
Your tone was
highly disrespectful, but...
512
00:20:49,282 --> 00:20:51,451
you were right.
513
00:20:51,484 --> 00:20:52,652
Thank you.
514
00:20:52,685 --> 00:20:54,587
You're welcome.
515
00:20:54,621 --> 00:20:58,257
I guess now that you have
your, uh, confidence back,
516
00:20:58,291 --> 00:21:00,827
you probably need
some vampire sidekick to...
517
00:21:00,860 --> 00:21:02,228
Nah, I'm good.
518
00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:04,497
Oh.
519
00:21:04,531 --> 00:21:06,098
Hands down,
the best night of my life.
520
00:21:06,132 --> 00:21:08,301
-I mean, I'm invisible,
-Yes.
521
00:21:08,335 --> 00:21:10,136
I ate my first dude,
522
00:21:10,169 --> 00:21:12,439
and I've never
stayed up this late.
523
00:21:12,472 --> 00:21:14,006
Can we, like,
watch the sun rise or something?
524
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:15,107
-That would be so nice.
-Oh...
525
00:21:15,141 --> 00:21:16,108
We could cozy up.
526
00:21:16,142 --> 00:21:18,110
About that-- um...
527
00:21:18,144 --> 00:21:19,746
Funny... very funny story.
528
00:21:19,779 --> 00:21:21,948
You can never
go in the sun again,
529
00:21:21,981 --> 00:21:23,616
because if you do, you will
530
00:21:23,650 --> 00:21:26,686
burst into a boiling ball
of flame.
531
00:21:26,719 --> 00:21:29,255
Sorry.
532
00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:31,123
I am a little disappointed
I didn't get to be
533
00:21:31,157 --> 00:21:32,825
a American citizen.
534
00:21:32,859 --> 00:21:35,662
I was really looking forward
to buying a gun.
535
00:21:35,695 --> 00:21:37,497
Oh, you don't need to be
a citizen to get a gun.
536
00:21:37,530 --> 00:21:38,965
They'll give those to anyone.
537
00:21:38,998 --> 00:21:40,867
-Really?
-Yeah.
538
00:21:40,900 --> 00:21:43,636
Even in Al Quolanudar
you couldn't get a sword
539
00:21:43,670 --> 00:21:45,672
without the checking
of your background.
540
00:21:45,705 --> 00:21:46,873
JENNA:
I got it!
541
00:21:46,906 --> 00:21:49,275
NADJA:
What? What is it?
542
00:21:49,308 --> 00:21:51,644
Motorcycle helmets protect
vampires from the sun.
543
00:21:51,678 --> 00:21:52,712
Haven't you seen Blade?
544
00:21:52,745 --> 00:21:54,213
They put the things on
545
00:21:54,246 --> 00:21:56,383
and then the sun can't hit you.
546
00:21:56,416 --> 00:21:58,017
-Oh.
-Trust me.
547
00:21:58,050 --> 00:22:00,520
It's the night of many firsts,
for both of us.
548
00:22:00,553 --> 00:22:03,289
NADJA:
You are now a full,
strong vampire.
549
00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:05,057
You no longer need me.
550
00:22:05,091 --> 00:22:08,961
And thus, your never-ending
journey begins.
551
00:22:08,995 --> 00:22:11,364
-It's so exciting!
-JENNA: It is!
552
00:22:11,398 --> 00:22:13,400
-(hissing)
-NADJA: What the fuck?
553
00:22:13,433 --> 00:22:15,301
-JENNA: Ow!
-NADJA: Curse!
554
00:22:15,334 --> 00:22:16,335
Oh, that's very hot!
555
00:22:16,369 --> 00:22:19,706
-We must go!
-(squealing)
556
00:22:19,739 --> 00:22:21,641
*
557
00:22:21,674 --> 00:22:25,011
* Oh, vampire ska *
558
00:22:25,044 --> 00:22:27,914
* Raise up the soul,
pack up the school time *
559
00:22:27,947 --> 00:22:30,383
* Everybody knew that
she was ruler *
560
00:22:30,417 --> 00:22:32,852
* Wants to sink her fangs deep
in your neck *
561
00:22:32,885 --> 00:22:35,054
* She's gonna take you home
and show you no respect *
562
00:22:35,087 --> 00:22:37,056
* She's a vampire *
563
00:22:37,089 --> 00:22:38,458
* Shake it up *
564
00:22:40,292 --> 00:22:43,596
* Oh, vampire ska *
565
00:22:43,630 --> 00:22:46,332
* She said, "You dress
like a city gent" *
566
00:22:46,365 --> 00:22:49,168
* So out for a pint
is where we went *
567
00:22:49,201 --> 00:22:51,704
* Her bomber jacket
had a Guinness towel *
568
00:22:51,738 --> 00:22:53,740
* She looked real sharp
in my chrome cowl *
569
00:22:53,773 --> 00:22:56,743
* She's a vampire. *
570
00:23:01,748 --> 00:23:03,716
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