Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
2
00:00:16,617 --> 00:00:20,986
??
3
00:00:20,988 --> 00:00:25,324
Biggest change in this country
in the 10 years that I was gone?
4
00:00:25,326 --> 00:00:29,394
America went from being a boob
nation to being an ass nation.
5
00:00:29,396 --> 00:00:30,863
I mean, 30 years ago,
6
00:00:30,865 --> 00:00:34,066
if a company ran an ad campaign
on 3 TV networks
7
00:00:34,068 --> 00:00:36,668
and 10 magazines,
everybody saw it.
8
00:00:36,670 --> 00:00:41,073
And what they saw mostly was
boobs -- boobs, boobs, boobs.
9
00:00:41,075 --> 00:00:44,075
I mean, eventually,
we just forgot all about butts.
10
00:00:44,077 --> 00:00:45,444
[Groans]
11
00:00:45,446 --> 00:00:49,481
We were just so relentlessly
hammered with images of boobs.
12
00:00:49,483 --> 00:00:53,552
And by the '80s, Charles,
big old fake boobs --
13
00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:56,822
just these enormous sacks
of viscous chemicals
14
00:00:56,824 --> 00:01:00,559
that were bolted onto
the front of a woman's chest
15
00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:03,161
in defiance of all
good taste and gravity.
16
00:01:03,163 --> 00:01:04,830
Which gift basket
does she get?
17
00:01:04,832 --> 00:01:06,364
Chantal?
Oh, the "Jeter."
18
00:01:06,366 --> 00:01:07,700
Oh, my God.
She earned it.
19
00:01:07,702 --> 00:01:11,236
You know, iPads don't
grow on trees.
20
00:01:11,238 --> 00:01:13,706
Maybe you should consider
not giving the Jeter
21
00:01:13,708 --> 00:01:15,507
to every woman
you bring home?
22
00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:18,643
No, Charles, I'm afraid I can't,
because I'm sexually generous
23
00:01:18,645 --> 00:01:20,645
in all the ways that
one could possibly be.
24
00:01:20,647 --> 00:01:23,315
Besides, those "Piazza" baskets
that you designed,
25
00:01:23,317 --> 00:01:25,451
Charles, they're confusing,
and they're unpopular.
26
00:01:25,453 --> 00:01:26,786
There's an element
of sadness to them.
27
00:01:26,788 --> 00:01:29,788
Anywhoodles, I'm at the Big
Freedia bounce show last night,
28
00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:32,258
and I'm just --
I'm getting lost in the applause
29
00:01:32,260 --> 00:01:34,526
of like a hundred
clapping asses.
30
00:01:34,528 --> 00:01:36,461
And it hits me,
it dawns on me --
31
00:01:36,463 --> 00:01:38,397
I am surrounded
by the very people
32
00:01:38,399 --> 00:01:40,799
that got America
back into ass.
33
00:01:40,801 --> 00:01:43,135
I'm talking about straight
black men,
34
00:01:43,137 --> 00:01:45,270
the gays, of course,
and thick women.
35
00:01:45,272 --> 00:01:46,671
God bless 'em.
36
00:01:46,673 --> 00:01:49,007
'Cause, see, when the Internet
expanded all media
37
00:01:49,009 --> 00:01:52,410
into the limitless chaos
that we know it to be today,
38
00:01:52,412 --> 00:01:55,147
the power of
the straight-white-male gaze
39
00:01:55,149 --> 00:01:56,949
got diluted,
and all of a sudden,
40
00:01:56,951 --> 00:02:00,152
all these long-forgotten voices
could finally be heard, man,
41
00:02:00,154 --> 00:02:04,823
and they were screaming, "Butts!
Come on! Butts are wonderful!"
42
00:02:04,825 --> 00:02:06,692
And that, my friend,
is how the titty wool
43
00:02:06,694 --> 00:02:09,762
that had been pulled
over our collective eyes
44
00:02:09,764 --> 00:02:11,997
was finally lifted.
45
00:02:11,999 --> 00:02:13,432
She's waking up.
46
00:02:13,434 --> 00:02:14,966
Oh. I'll go hide
in the bathroom.
47
00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:16,301
They always go
to the bathroom.
48
00:02:16,303 --> 00:02:19,571
I'll hide in the pantry.
Calm down.
49
00:02:19,573 --> 00:02:22,374
[Jazz music plays]
50
00:02:22,376 --> 00:02:25,310
??
51
00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:27,913
I got the Jeter
last time.
52
00:02:27,915 --> 00:02:29,515
What about that one?
53
00:02:29,517 --> 00:02:33,852
That one is reserved for someone
else, if she ever comes here.
54
00:02:33,854 --> 00:02:35,187
Which she won't.
55
00:02:35,189 --> 00:02:37,222
But I can get you
two Piazzas instead.
56
00:02:38,326 --> 00:02:40,458
But those
are in the pantry!
57
00:02:40,460 --> 00:02:41,627
Shit.
58
00:02:41,629 --> 00:02:43,061
[Rustling]
59
00:02:43,063 --> 00:02:45,330
Ta-da! Ha ha!
60
00:02:45,332 --> 00:02:48,267
There is one Piazza
for you right there.
61
00:02:48,269 --> 00:02:51,203
A Squatty Potty
and olive oil?
62
00:02:51,205 --> 00:02:53,539
He's an Italian
catcher.
63
00:02:53,541 --> 00:02:54,873
It's so obvious.
64
00:02:54,875 --> 00:02:57,075
And your second Piazza.
65
00:02:57,077 --> 00:02:59,745
There you go.
Got it?
66
00:02:59,747 --> 00:03:01,480
Great to see you again.
67
00:03:01,482 --> 00:03:03,482
You take care, now.
68
00:03:13,159 --> 00:03:14,960
-In conclusion...
-You're still not done.
69
00:03:14,962 --> 00:03:16,762
...this country is
only getting dumber
70
00:03:16,764 --> 00:03:18,364
and hotter
and more crowded,
71
00:03:18,366 --> 00:03:20,299
but when I see butts
of all shapes
72
00:03:20,301 --> 00:03:22,500
and sizes and colors
not only represented,
73
00:03:22,502 --> 00:03:25,837
but celebrated, well,
it gives me hope --
74
00:03:25,839 --> 00:03:28,507
hope that things can still
change for the better.
75
00:03:28,509 --> 00:03:33,512
??
76
00:03:33,514 --> 00:03:36,582
-Strike!
-Santos looks at a fastball.
77
00:03:36,584 --> 00:03:38,750
Count evens, 2-2.
78
00:03:39,854 --> 00:03:41,920
'Course, Santos
is only playing today
79
00:03:41,922 --> 00:03:44,323
because Fitzgerald
finally got his call-up
80
00:03:44,325 --> 00:03:47,125
to the major leagues,
so congratulations to Fitz.
81
00:03:47,127 --> 00:03:48,393
Get me another beer.
-No.
82
00:03:48,395 --> 00:03:49,427
-Come on.
-No.
83
00:03:49,429 --> 00:03:50,462
-Please.
-Focus.
84
00:03:50,464 --> 00:03:51,997
God damn it.
[Switch clicks]
85
00:03:51,999 --> 00:03:54,333
Santos pops a curveball
up and out of play.
86
00:03:54,335 --> 00:03:56,267
You know, folks,
I think I understand
87
00:03:56,269 --> 00:03:57,402
just how Fitzgerald felt.
88
00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:59,404
I mean, he was a star
here in New Orleans
89
00:03:59,406 --> 00:04:02,541
right from the get-go,
yet he had to wait and wait
90
00:04:02,543 --> 00:04:04,809
and wait for that call-up
to the major leagues,
91
00:04:04,811 --> 00:04:07,179
to the point where he probably
started to question
92
00:04:07,181 --> 00:04:09,481
the decision-making
of the Atlanta organization.
93
00:04:09,483 --> 00:04:11,217
As Santos bounces one
to the left side,
94
00:04:11,219 --> 00:04:12,484
this should probably do it.
95
00:04:12,486 --> 00:04:14,753
And the New Orleans Crawdaddys
are gonna drop this one
96
00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:15,754
to Nashville
by a count of 7-2.
97
00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:18,123
-Suck!
-I have been Jim Brockmire.
98
00:04:18,125 --> 00:04:20,892
Please stay tuned
for the postgame wrap-up.
99
00:04:20,894 --> 00:04:22,294
Let me ask you a question.
100
00:04:22,296 --> 00:04:24,763
Was it clear just now, when I
was talking about Fitzgerald,
101
00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:27,633
that I was actually referring
to my own career situation?
102
00:04:27,635 --> 00:04:29,100
Oh, that was intentional?
103
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:33,038
I can never tell if you're
calculating or just spiraling.
104
00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:34,373
I mean,
what's the holdup?
105
00:04:34,375 --> 00:04:35,641
Seriously?
What do I have to do?
106
00:04:35,643 --> 00:04:38,243
I mean, I've played by all
their stupid rules, have I not?
107
00:04:38,245 --> 00:04:39,445
Art Newly
is hard to replace.
108
00:04:39,447 --> 00:04:42,180
He's like a more likable
Vin Scully, and you're...
109
00:04:42,182 --> 00:04:44,216
-[Belches]
-...not that.
110
00:04:44,218 --> 00:04:45,850
They can't do anything
with you publicly.
111
00:04:45,852 --> 00:04:47,319
It's gonna look like
they're pushing him out.
112
00:04:47,321 --> 00:04:48,987
Well, they won't have
to push too hard.
113
00:04:48,989 --> 00:04:50,255
The man is 75 years old.
114
00:04:50,257 --> 00:04:53,792
A stiff breeze and an uneven
sidewalk, and down he will go.
115
00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:55,294
Want to hear
some good news?
116
00:04:55,296 --> 00:04:58,597
As of today, we have the
number 3 podcast in America.
117
00:04:58,599 --> 00:05:00,665
No shit? Oh!
118
00:05:00,667 --> 00:05:04,403
Remind me to ask that
Marc Maron how my ass tastes.
119
00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:06,304
[Crowd chanting "Brock!"]
Charles:
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen,
120
00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:08,273
to another live episode
of "Brock Bottom,"
121
00:05:08,275 --> 00:05:10,476
brought to you
by Old Spice Deodorant.
122
00:05:10,478 --> 00:05:12,077
Like Jim Brockmire, Old Spice
123
00:05:12,079 --> 00:05:14,345
is an original
that still feels fresh.
124
00:05:14,347 --> 00:05:15,880
Now, without further ado,
125
00:05:15,882 --> 00:05:18,950
I'd like to present to you
the one-man MOTH
126
00:05:18,952 --> 00:05:21,820
and the best
freestyle storyteller
127
00:05:21,822 --> 00:05:24,622
in the podcast game...
128
00:05:24,624 --> 00:05:25,957
Jim Brockmire.
129
00:05:25,959 --> 00:05:29,028
[Cheers and applause]
130
00:05:29,030 --> 00:05:35,701
??
131
00:05:35,703 --> 00:05:37,769
Hey! All right!
132
00:05:37,771 --> 00:05:38,703
I thank you.
-Whoo!
133
00:05:38,705 --> 00:05:41,506
Let's get right to it,
shall we?
134
00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:46,044
I need a suggestion for a
90-minute improvised monologue.
135
00:05:46,046 --> 00:05:48,046
-Baseball!
-Pinstripes!
136
00:05:48,048 --> 00:05:49,682
-Wyoming!
-You said Wyoming.
137
00:05:49,684 --> 00:05:51,049
I heard Wichita.
138
00:05:51,051 --> 00:05:52,451
[Laughter]
139
00:05:52,453 --> 00:05:53,852
Method to my madness on that one
140
00:05:53,854 --> 00:05:57,322
because the only person
that I ever knew from Wichita
141
00:05:57,324 --> 00:06:01,126
was none other than television
and film's Kirstie Alley.
142
00:06:01,128 --> 00:06:02,193
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
143
00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:03,194
-Ooh!
-Oww!
144
00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:04,463
Now, this is a story
145
00:06:04,465 --> 00:06:05,864
about the first time
146
00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:08,467
that she tried to
convert me to Scientology.
147
00:06:08,469 --> 00:06:09,768
Man: Yeah!
148
00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:14,739
[Slurring]
So, now, at this point...
149
00:06:14,741 --> 00:06:17,208
all the "Veronica's Closet"
writers, they g--
150
00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:18,543
they went home, okay?
151
00:06:18,545 --> 00:06:21,146
It's just me and Kirstie
alone in a dressing room,
152
00:06:21,148 --> 00:06:23,482
so I'm -- I'm pretty psyched.
153
00:06:23,484 --> 00:06:28,219
Anyway, the room's really dark,
but I can just make out --
154
00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:31,357
I could just see this --
this tear,
155
00:06:31,359 --> 00:06:34,292
one single tear
kind of gently making her --
156
00:06:34,294 --> 00:06:37,429
its way down her face.
157
00:06:37,431 --> 00:06:39,631
So I got down.
158
00:06:39,633 --> 00:06:41,967
[Groaning] Okay.
159
00:06:41,969 --> 00:06:46,571
I said, "Kirstie,
why are you crying?"
160
00:06:46,573 --> 00:06:47,639
[Laughter]
161
00:06:47,641 --> 00:06:49,841
And she pulled me close,
162
00:06:49,843 --> 00:06:53,511
and she whispered one word
into my ear, folks.
163
00:06:53,513 --> 00:06:55,947
She said...
164
00:06:55,949 --> 00:06:57,449
"Wichita!"
165
00:06:57,451 --> 00:06:59,084
[Laughter]
166
00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:00,619
"Wichita!"
167
00:07:00,621 --> 00:07:02,755
[Cheers and applause]
168
00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:08,527
Appreciate it.
Next up.
169
00:07:08,529 --> 00:07:09,928
Come on up.
Step right up.
170
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:12,130
This is a small-batch rye,
aged 18 years.
171
00:07:12,132 --> 00:07:13,198
Ooh!
172
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:14,999
Yeah, m-my dad
was an alcoholic.
173
00:07:15,001 --> 00:07:17,068
Instead of telling fun stories,
he'd get angry
174
00:07:17,070 --> 00:07:19,738
and make us all fight
for the last uncooked hot dog.
175
00:07:20,474 --> 00:07:22,074
Okay, we're gonna let
that sad story
176
00:07:22,076 --> 00:07:23,341
just die right there
on the vine,
177
00:07:23,343 --> 00:07:25,677
and we're gonna take
a lovely photo together, okay?
178
00:07:25,679 --> 00:07:27,278
Right there.
[Camera shutter clicks]
179
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:29,013
All right.
Thank you so much for coming.
180
00:07:29,015 --> 00:07:30,215
Appreciate it.
Step right up.
181
00:07:30,217 --> 00:07:33,351
What do you got there?
Are these magic mush--
182
00:07:33,353 --> 00:07:35,887
Oh, the-- Oh!
These are all caps, too.
183
00:07:35,889 --> 00:07:36,955
Oh, my goodness.
184
00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:39,691
Well, if history has
taught us anything,
185
00:07:39,693 --> 00:07:42,160
it's that this evening
is almost certain to end
186
00:07:42,162 --> 00:07:43,962
with me stealing a boat.
187
00:07:43,964 --> 00:07:45,831
Is that something?
I don't even know why.
188
00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:46,832
Hey, uh, Jim.
Could I...
189
00:07:46,834 --> 00:07:48,500
Y-- One --
Pardon me a moment.
190
00:07:48,502 --> 00:07:49,901
Yes, my friend?
191
00:07:49,903 --> 00:07:52,637
Art Newly just announced
that he's officially retiring
192
00:07:52,639 --> 00:07:53,638
at the end of the season,
193
00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:55,907
and the new head
of PR from Atlanta
194
00:07:55,909 --> 00:07:57,209
is coming down tomorrow
for a meeting.
195
00:07:57,211 --> 00:07:59,311
Now, I don't want you to read
too much into this.
196
00:07:59,313 --> 00:08:01,613
-Holy shit! I did it! I did it!
-We still don't know.
197
00:08:01,615 --> 00:08:04,015
No, I made it back to the top
of the mountain, Charles.
198
00:08:04,017 --> 00:08:04,917
Oh, my God!
199
00:08:04,919 --> 00:08:06,718
I could not have done it
without you.
200
00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:09,320
I love you! Mwah!
I love you, Charles.
201
00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:11,457
I can't believe you won't
say it back to me.
202
00:08:11,459 --> 00:08:12,658
I am not gonna say it,
203
00:08:12,660 --> 00:08:14,393
and I can't believe
you're saying it to me.
204
00:08:14,395 --> 00:08:16,094
That's just gonna make it
all the sweeter
205
00:08:16,096 --> 00:08:17,395
when I finally wear you down.
206
00:08:17,397 --> 00:08:19,831
But tonight is about
celebratin', baby!
207
00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:21,132
Not too hard.
208
00:08:21,134 --> 00:08:22,601
You s-- You have
the meeting tomorrow.
209
00:08:22,603 --> 00:08:24,202
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right. Hey, everybody.
210
00:08:24,204 --> 00:08:26,071
Everybody, I want you
to show me your cocaine.
211
00:08:26,073 --> 00:08:28,773
Who's carrying cocaine?
Hold it on up there.
212
00:08:28,775 --> 00:08:29,941
-I got some.
-Okay.
213
00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:31,142
Let's see.
-Me, me, me, me!
214
00:08:31,144 --> 00:08:32,611
Right here.
-All right.
215
00:08:32,613 --> 00:08:34,346
That appears to be
only an eight ball.
216
00:08:34,348 --> 00:08:35,747
So I'm gonna go with you two
217
00:08:35,749 --> 00:08:37,983
'cause I got
a busy day tomorrow!
218
00:08:40,820 --> 00:08:41,553
[Elevator bell dings]
219
00:08:41,555 --> 00:08:42,620
You could say
what you will,
220
00:08:42,622 --> 00:08:44,623
but I am just
so happy for you, bro.
221
00:08:44,625 --> 00:08:45,757
Oh, well,
thank you, Raj.
222
00:08:45,759 --> 00:08:47,626
Could not have done it
without you calling
223
00:08:47,628 --> 00:08:49,694
all those road games.
No, you've been a lifesaver.
224
00:08:49,696 --> 00:08:51,429
Come on.
Look, thank you.
225
00:08:51,431 --> 00:08:53,631
I just enjoyed joining your
brotherhood of the booth.
226
00:08:53,633 --> 00:08:54,832
And I must say,
227
00:08:54,834 --> 00:08:57,569
you're much less racist
than I thought you'd be.
228
00:08:57,571 --> 00:08:58,703
Well, my goodness.
229
00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:00,772
I wish I could take
more credit for that,
230
00:09:00,774 --> 00:09:03,241
but, uh, the bar
set by old white men
231
00:09:03,243 --> 00:09:05,644
in this great country of ours
is just, oh, so very low.
232
00:09:05,646 --> 00:09:07,779
Yep. As soon as you raise it up
a little bit,
233
00:09:07,781 --> 00:09:09,848
someone knocks it
back down, huh?
234
00:09:09,850 --> 00:09:11,850
Man, you keep screwing up.
-We do.
235
00:09:11,852 --> 00:09:14,252
Listen, let's commemorate
this hand-off on the 'gram.
236
00:09:14,254 --> 00:09:16,020
Get in here.
-Ah, the ubiquitous 'gram.
237
00:09:16,022 --> 00:09:17,523
-Mm-hmm.
-All right. Hey, whoa, whoa!
238
00:09:17,525 --> 00:09:18,924
What are you doing here,
asshole?
239
00:09:18,926 --> 00:09:19,925
-Whoa, whoa! Jim!
-What's that?
240
00:09:19,927 --> 00:09:22,260
Hey, look,
I invited him, okay? Look --
241
00:09:22,262 --> 00:09:24,862
-You invited him?
-Yes. You're both my brohams,
242
00:09:24,864 --> 00:09:26,732
so I was hoping
we could end this feud
243
00:09:26,734 --> 00:09:28,867
because you actually have
a lot in common, okay?
244
00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:31,336
You're both really
stubborn superstars.
245
00:09:31,338 --> 00:09:33,071
I mean, you --
-Whoa, whoa. Superstar?
246
00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:34,339
Are you kidding me?
247
00:09:34,341 --> 00:09:36,574
Hey, I've known all the titans
of mascotry, okay?
248
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:39,210
The Phillie Phanatic,
he officiated my wedding.
249
00:09:39,212 --> 00:09:40,278
You are not a superstar.
250
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:42,247
You are a mime
in Muppet's clothing.
251
00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:43,381
What -- What's that?
252
00:09:43,383 --> 00:09:44,249
What is that?
I don't even understand that.
253
00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:45,551
I think
he's flipping you off.
254
00:09:45,553 --> 00:09:49,087
You fuck your mother with
that claw, you stupid idiot?
255
00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:51,023
-Come on!
-Jim Brockmire?
256
00:09:51,025 --> 00:09:52,157
-Yeah.
-I'm Whitney Masterson.
257
00:09:52,159 --> 00:09:54,359
I'm the new head of PR
for Atlanta.
258
00:09:54,361 --> 00:09:56,461
Is -- Is there a problem?
-No, no.
259
00:09:56,463 --> 00:09:59,230
I mean, I don't pretend to be
a crustacean for a living,
260
00:09:59,232 --> 00:10:01,499
so I'm very good,
thank you.
261
00:10:01,501 --> 00:10:03,569
Raj, can you join us,
as well, please?
262
00:10:04,471 --> 00:10:06,371
Yeah. Come on.
More the merrier.
263
00:10:06,373 --> 00:10:09,041
Plan the old line
of succession here.
264
00:10:09,043 --> 00:10:13,311
Hey, medium mascot talent!
At best!
265
00:10:13,313 --> 00:10:14,579
Dummy!
266
00:10:14,581 --> 00:10:17,049
First of all, Jim,
the organization
267
00:10:17,051 --> 00:10:18,249
wishes to thank you
for doing
268
00:10:18,251 --> 00:10:20,719
all that it asked of you
over the last year.
269
00:10:20,721 --> 00:10:22,554
Well, please thank
the organization
270
00:10:22,556 --> 00:10:24,922
for doing everything
I asked of them.
[Chuckles]
271
00:10:24,924 --> 00:10:27,525
It was a little unusual,
only calling home games,
272
00:10:27,527 --> 00:10:30,462
and it was a bit of
a strange contract rider.
273
00:10:30,464 --> 00:10:31,863
I mean...
274
00:10:31,865 --> 00:10:35,467
"Jim Brockmire does not ride
the bus -- exclamation point.
275
00:10:35,469 --> 00:10:37,669
Make sure they spell
'exclamation point'
276
00:10:37,671 --> 00:10:41,272
because that's how much
I don't want to ride the bus."
277
00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:42,941
Yeah, you know,
I used to say the bus
278
00:10:42,943 --> 00:10:45,010
is just like
a concentration-camp train
279
00:10:45,012 --> 00:10:46,011
that made more stops,
280
00:10:46,013 --> 00:10:48,146
but, uh, well,
I quickly discovered
281
00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:50,014
that people prefer
their Holocaust humor
282
00:10:50,016 --> 00:10:51,483
to come
from Roberto Benigni
283
00:10:51,485 --> 00:10:53,685
and [Chuckles]
pretty much nobody else.
284
00:10:54,755 --> 00:10:55,486
Okay.
285
00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:57,155
Before I was hired in PR,
286
00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:59,424
I interned in the
analytics department,
287
00:10:59,426 --> 00:11:02,627
and I learned a very
important lesson.
288
00:11:02,629 --> 00:11:04,596
Human perception...
289
00:11:04,598 --> 00:11:05,830
is a lie.
290
00:11:05,832 --> 00:11:09,034
But math -- math always
tells the truth.
291
00:11:09,036 --> 00:11:12,704
For example, we believed that
hiring an Internet celebrity
292
00:11:12,706 --> 00:11:13,838
would bring in new fans,
293
00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:17,508
but the numbers told
a different story.
294
00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:18,977
What is that --
like, two pie charts?
295
00:11:18,979 --> 00:11:20,779
I don't understand
what's happening.
296
00:11:20,781 --> 00:11:22,981
It's a Venn diagram, Jim.
297
00:11:22,983 --> 00:11:23,749
Oh. Okay.
298
00:11:23,751 --> 00:11:25,583
According
to focus groups,
299
00:11:25,585 --> 00:11:28,719
our fans
hate your podcast,
300
00:11:28,721 --> 00:11:32,056
and your podcast fans
hate baseball.
301
00:11:32,058 --> 00:11:33,257
Interesting, right?
-Mm-hmm.
302
00:11:33,259 --> 00:11:36,461
So, next, we tested
that same group to find
303
00:11:36,463 --> 00:11:38,863
Art Newly's likability --
304
00:11:38,865 --> 00:11:40,866
92 out of 100.
305
00:11:40,868 --> 00:11:44,135
I mean, makes sense.
He's beloved by generations.
306
00:11:44,137 --> 00:11:49,140
Then, we tested, uh,
Jim's likability.
307
00:11:49,142 --> 00:11:50,875
67.
-Ha!
308
00:11:50,877 --> 00:11:51,943
-Okay.
-Yeah!
309
00:11:51,945 --> 00:11:54,879
-Is that a good number?
-Great question.
310
00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:58,617
We needed context.
We needed a control.
311
00:11:58,619 --> 00:12:00,318
So we tested Raj.
312
00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:02,087
And here's where
it gets interesting.
313
00:12:02,089 --> 00:12:04,689
Raj is an 84.
314
00:12:04,691 --> 00:12:06,024
[Chuckles]
315
00:12:06,026 --> 00:12:07,759
Out of what, like 200?
316
00:12:07,761 --> 00:12:09,227
Out of 100.
317
00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:12,163
200 would make your 67
look even worse.
318
00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:13,832
You get how that works?
-Yes, no, thank you.
319
00:12:13,834 --> 00:12:15,166
I'm not a complete idiot.
320
00:12:15,168 --> 00:12:17,635
Look, anybody could
see that this kid's gonna be
321
00:12:17,637 --> 00:12:20,105
a big star one day.
-Agreed.
322
00:12:20,107 --> 00:12:22,407
Which is why
replacing Art Newly
323
00:12:22,409 --> 00:12:26,311
will now be a two-man
competition between you and Raj.
324
00:12:26,313 --> 00:12:27,779
This kid's a hack!
Are you kidding me?
325
00:12:27,781 --> 00:12:31,649
I've known sperm on a crusty
sock with more life experience.
326
00:12:31,651 --> 00:12:32,984
I'm sorry, Jim.
327
00:12:32,986 --> 00:12:35,520
The decision's been made --
far above my head.
328
00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:38,790
With insistent and
unwavering support from me.
329
00:12:38,792 --> 00:12:41,726
I think I speak for Raj when
I say that neither one of us
330
00:12:41,728 --> 00:12:43,261
wants any part
of this thing.
331
00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:46,498
No.
No, I'm in -- 100%.
332
00:12:46,500 --> 00:12:48,700
Et tu, broham?
333
00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:53,938
Look. You've been
like a mentor to me.
334
00:12:53,940 --> 00:12:55,607
Uh-huh. We both know it.
So there's no way
335
00:12:55,609 --> 00:12:57,542
I'm gonna let them pit us
against each other.
336
00:12:57,544 --> 00:12:59,410
Ah. Excellent.
Y-Y-You gonna bow out, then?
337
00:12:59,412 --> 00:13:02,080
No, I just think we should try
our best and see what happens.
338
00:13:02,082 --> 00:13:03,681
Hey, "F" that, all right?
"F" that.
339
00:13:03,683 --> 00:13:06,485
Look, I know this has been
a dream of both of ours
for a very long time.
340
00:13:06,487 --> 00:13:08,687
A dream. That's really funny.
No, not really.
341
00:13:08,689 --> 00:13:10,755
I just did, like, improv
for a little while,
342
00:13:10,757 --> 00:13:12,557
and then I took
a broadcasting class.
343
00:13:12,559 --> 00:13:13,625
I didn't even
really finish it.
344
00:13:13,627 --> 00:13:15,927
I really wanted to call
G-League basketball,
345
00:13:15,929 --> 00:13:17,695
but that's, like,
a hard gig to get.
346
00:13:17,697 --> 00:13:20,031
Then Jesus Christ, man,
let me have it.
347
00:13:20,033 --> 00:13:21,632
Why can't we both
just try to earn it?
348
00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:23,635
'Cause I might not win it
that way, Raj.
349
00:13:23,637 --> 00:13:26,371
Do you know how many
diverse play-by-play men
350
00:13:26,373 --> 00:13:27,505
there are in baseball?
351
00:13:28,508 --> 00:13:31,442
It's not a rhetorical question.
I literally have no idea.
352
00:13:31,444 --> 00:13:34,913
I'm not a baseball fan.
I just want to know if I
should hire a publicist.
353
00:13:34,915 --> 00:13:36,648
Okay, have it your way,
but you and I,
354
00:13:36,650 --> 00:13:37,982
we are sworn enemies now,
I mean it.
355
00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:40,785
You never know where or how
or when I am gonna strike next,
356
00:13:40,787 --> 00:13:42,386
but let me put it
to you this way.
357
00:13:42,388 --> 00:13:44,389
Bob Costas did not expect
to get pink eye
358
00:13:44,391 --> 00:13:45,456
at the Sochi Olympics
either,
359
00:13:45,458 --> 00:13:47,992
but I sure as shit
made that happen.
360
00:13:47,994 --> 00:13:51,128
Okay, okay, you're --
you're mad at me now.
361
00:13:51,130 --> 00:13:55,399
But I will win you back
because everyone loves me.
362
00:13:55,401 --> 00:13:56,935
It's a rare gift.
363
00:13:56,937 --> 00:14:00,138
Only Sandy Bullock,
Alex Trebek, and I have it.
364
00:14:00,140 --> 00:14:03,542
Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen, Fan Fest is about to begin.
365
00:14:03,544 --> 00:14:05,777
I freakin' love you.
366
00:14:05,779 --> 00:14:08,480
Have fun out there, okay?
I'll send some your way.
367
00:14:08,482 --> 00:14:10,014
The gates are open.
368
00:14:10,016 --> 00:14:14,319
Head down to the field to meet your favorite Crawdaddy.
369
00:14:18,158 --> 00:14:21,092
There you are, fan.
Enjoy the Fan Fest.
370
00:14:21,094 --> 00:14:23,361
Are you wearing sunblock?
Fan Fest is three hour--
371
00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:25,964
You [bleep] Charles.
You screwed me right
in the asshole.
372
00:14:25,966 --> 00:14:27,566
-What?
-You tricked me into thinking
373
00:14:27,568 --> 00:14:29,901
this podcast thingy
would get me the Atlanta job,
374
00:14:29,903 --> 00:14:31,036
but it didn't do dick.
375
00:14:31,038 --> 00:14:32,703
Quite the opposite.
God damn it.
376
00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:35,106
I should just -- I should quit
that stupid podcast.
377
00:14:35,108 --> 00:14:37,541
If you're gonna quit anything,
it should be this.
What?
378
00:14:37,543 --> 00:14:41,379
You're doing radio broadcast
of a Minor League Baseball game
379
00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:42,914
to, what, 20,000 people?
380
00:14:42,916 --> 00:14:45,516
"Brock Bottom" gets half
a million downloads an episode.
381
00:14:45,518 --> 00:14:47,518
Hey, give us a second here,
friend, all right?
382
00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:49,520
We're in the middle
of something, okay?
383
00:14:49,522 --> 00:14:51,456
We're making good money
from the live shows,
384
00:14:51,458 --> 00:14:52,991
but the real money
is in touring.
385
00:14:52,993 --> 00:14:56,260
If you quit this, we can sell
out theaters across the country,
386
00:14:56,262 --> 00:14:58,730
maybe even leapfrog over
"Fresh Air"
387
00:14:58,732 --> 00:15:00,331
for the number-two spot.
388
00:15:00,333 --> 00:15:01,732
Well, as much as that
Terry Gross
389
00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:03,201
needs to taken down
a peg or two,
390
00:15:03,203 --> 00:15:04,802
I am a baseball man,
Charles.
391
00:15:04,804 --> 00:15:06,671
I mean, the podcast is nice
and everything,
392
00:15:06,673 --> 00:15:09,341
but, uh, it ain't
the major leagues.
393
00:15:09,343 --> 00:15:12,543
Ah! Yeah!
[Speaking Creole]
394
00:15:12,545 --> 00:15:13,879
Is he speaking Creole?
395
00:15:13,881 --> 00:15:16,614
Bam!
Oh, oh. Bam!
396
00:15:16,616 --> 00:15:18,349
God, there's
so many of you.
397
00:15:18,351 --> 00:15:21,019
I am really screwed.
398
00:15:24,291 --> 00:15:27,425
Oh, there he is.
What's he doing now?
399
00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:29,895
Oh.
Is that supposed to be me?
400
00:15:29,897 --> 00:15:33,698
Oh, I get it.
I'm so drunk I can hardly walk.
401
00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:36,034
That --
That's just hilarious.
402
00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:37,102
You know what, though?
403
00:15:37,104 --> 00:15:39,103
You're not quite
selling it, though.
404
00:15:39,105 --> 00:15:40,905
Can I give you
a quick pointer?
405
00:15:40,907 --> 00:15:41,873
[Grunts]
406
00:15:41,875 --> 00:15:45,277
[Bat clanks]
407
00:15:49,182 --> 00:15:51,849
Shouldn't you be
more discreet about that?
408
00:15:51,851 --> 00:15:53,451
I am being discreet.
409
00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:56,654
Not pouring anything
out of this, am I?
410
00:15:56,656 --> 00:16:00,591
So, what was that big idea
to beat Raj you texted me about?
411
00:16:00,593 --> 00:16:02,326
I spent all last night
looking up
412
00:16:02,328 --> 00:16:04,128
things people
like on the Internet.
413
00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:06,197
Came up with a lot of videos
of autistic kids
414
00:16:06,199 --> 00:16:08,733
sinking 3-point baskets,
but, uh, apparently,
415
00:16:08,735 --> 00:16:11,202
they're very hard
to find on short notice.
416
00:16:11,204 --> 00:16:13,804
And that dog who can't catch
pizza -- You know that guy? --
417
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,539
he is booked solid
for an entire year.
418
00:16:15,541 --> 00:16:19,143
And then it hit me, Charles --
Make-A-Wish cancer kids.
419
00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:20,378
-Oh, Jesus Christ. No.
-Yes.
420
00:16:20,380 --> 00:16:22,947
Unfortunately, when I called
the Make-A-Wish Foundation,
421
00:16:22,949 --> 00:16:26,017
they informed me that no child
had ever requested a visit
422
00:16:26,019 --> 00:16:27,953
to a Minor League
Baseball broadcast booth.
423
00:16:27,955 --> 00:16:29,287
That is so weird!
424
00:16:29,289 --> 00:16:32,423
So I took the liberty of calling
around to local cancer wards
425
00:16:32,425 --> 00:16:35,159
till I came upon the parents
of 8-year-old Dylan Cole,
426
00:16:35,161 --> 00:16:37,195
and I convinced them
to let him join me
427
00:16:37,197 --> 00:16:38,563
in the booth this afternoon.
428
00:16:38,565 --> 00:16:40,365
What exactly is wrong
with Dylan?
429
00:16:40,367 --> 00:16:42,901
I don't know. Must be really bad
because his doctors,
430
00:16:42,903 --> 00:16:45,370
they did not want him
to leave the hospital.
431
00:16:45,372 --> 00:16:47,905
-I won't be a part of this.
-No, agreed. You know why?
432
00:16:47,907 --> 00:16:49,440
Apparently, he has
a lot of equipment
433
00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:50,642
he needs
to help him breathe,
434
00:16:50,644 --> 00:16:53,244
so there's gonna be no room
for you there in the booth.
435
00:16:53,246 --> 00:16:55,112
Your job is gonna be
to do focus testing.
436
00:16:55,114 --> 00:16:57,115
That means you hang
around here in the stadium
437
00:16:57,117 --> 00:16:58,783
and you gauge how great
this is playing.
438
00:16:58,785 --> 00:17:00,852
Take some videos
so we can show Whitney later.
439
00:17:00,854 --> 00:17:04,121
Oh, man. This is gonna be
so freakin' uplifting!
440
00:17:04,123 --> 00:17:06,223
Everybody's panties
are gonna be wet --
441
00:17:06,225 --> 00:17:08,192
wet from tears!
442
00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:09,861
[Slurps]
443
00:17:09,863 --> 00:17:12,196
Wet from tears, Charles!
444
00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:13,999
-Man: Jim Brockmire?
-Yeah?
445
00:17:14,001 --> 00:17:16,400
We'd like you to meet
the bravest kid in the world --
446
00:17:16,402 --> 00:17:18,003
our son, Dylan.
447
00:17:18,005 --> 00:17:21,339
Hey. Hi. Oh, hi.
That's so many tubes.
448
00:17:21,341 --> 00:17:23,941
H-Hi, Dylan.
449
00:17:23,943 --> 00:17:26,944
Short pop fly to center for out number three.
450
00:17:26,946 --> 00:17:28,146
Crawdaddys coming up to bat now,
451
00:17:28,148 --> 00:17:30,247
and to help me call the bottom of the 4th
452
00:17:30,249 --> 00:17:34,152
is tiny hero and cancer survivor, Mr. Dylan Cole.
453
00:17:34,154 --> 00:17:35,553
He's eight years old.
-Aww!
454
00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:38,289
Uh, Dylan, who's your favorite ballplayer, son?
455
00:17:38,291 --> 00:17:41,826
[Breathing heavily]
456
00:17:41,828 --> 00:17:44,028
Hmm?
457
00:17:44,030 --> 00:17:46,230
Okay, how 'bout I, uh --
I'm gonna move the mic
458
00:17:46,232 --> 00:17:50,167
a little bit closer for you,
and that should make it easier.
459
00:17:50,169 --> 00:17:51,568
Go ahead.
460
00:17:51,570 --> 00:17:55,139
[Breathing heavily]
461
00:17:56,242 --> 00:17:58,376
You know what? I-I-If it's
too difficult for you,
462
00:17:58,378 --> 00:17:59,777
I-I -- maybe you shouldn't answer.
463
00:17:59,779 --> 00:18:01,679
No, I don't want you to waste the energy, son.
464
00:18:01,681 --> 00:18:03,313
It's all right. I don't want you to answer.
465
00:18:03,315 --> 00:18:04,882
It's all right. Never mind. Let go of the mic.
466
00:18:04,884 --> 00:18:05,784
Is he gonna hurt himself?
467
00:18:05,786 --> 00:18:07,852
O-Okay. All right.
Go ahead.
468
00:18:07,854 --> 00:18:11,589
Dylan: Buster...Posey.
469
00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:14,392
Wasn't worth it. Uh, not by a long shot.
470
00:18:14,394 --> 00:18:16,794
Okay.
471
00:18:16,796 --> 00:18:23,000
??
472
00:18:23,002 --> 00:18:25,003
[Crying]
473
00:18:25,005 --> 00:18:29,874
??
474
00:18:29,876 --> 00:18:31,809
Top of the 5th, folks.
475
00:18:31,811 --> 00:18:34,412
Dylan is gone.
476
00:18:37,183 --> 00:18:39,684
His parents wheeled him
on out of here.
477
00:18:39,686 --> 00:18:41,286
-Oh.
-Um...
478
00:18:41,288 --> 00:18:43,554
See, I invited young Dylan into the booth
479
00:18:43,556 --> 00:18:45,623
because I thought it might
be inspiring for people.
480
00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:48,426
I mean, who is not inspired
by the courageous tale
481
00:18:48,428 --> 00:18:50,628
of a young man
battling cancer --
482
00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:53,397
as a curveball drops
in there for a strike.
483
00:18:53,399 --> 00:18:55,165
0-1.
484
00:18:55,167 --> 00:18:58,035
See, the thing is, though,
I guess I wonder why
485
00:18:58,037 --> 00:19:01,839
because I was not uplifted
by Dylan's burden.
486
00:19:01,841 --> 00:19:04,109
If anything, it just
turned over the rock
487
00:19:04,111 --> 00:19:07,177
under which I keep buried the
knowledge of my own mortality --
488
00:19:07,179 --> 00:19:09,447
as Sanchez looks at one high and away. 1-1.
489
00:19:09,449 --> 00:19:11,850
I mean, maybe we like kids with cancer so much...
490
00:19:11,852 --> 00:19:14,852
No, no, no.
...because they're the only time
that human beings
491
00:19:14,854 --> 00:19:16,654
are actually all
united in empathy.
492
00:19:16,656 --> 00:19:20,458
But, uh, if it takes the torment
of those most vulnerable
493
00:19:20,460 --> 00:19:22,193
among us to bring us
all together,
494
00:19:22,195 --> 00:19:24,595
then, well, what does
that say about humanity --
495
00:19:24,597 --> 00:19:28,133
as Sanchez pulls that one foul, 1-2.
496
00:19:30,069 --> 00:19:31,936
Is it because
these kids all know
497
00:19:31,938 --> 00:19:33,404
that they're headed
to a better place?
498
00:19:33,406 --> 00:19:36,006
Well, they're all raised
on fairy tales
499
00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:37,475
and Santa Claus, aren't they?
500
00:19:37,477 --> 00:19:39,343
I mean, their certainty
in heaven
501
00:19:39,345 --> 00:19:41,478
should offer us no consolation --
502
00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:44,081
as Sanchez steps out of the box.
503
00:19:44,083 --> 00:19:45,349
Out of the way!
504
00:19:45,351 --> 00:19:49,821
No, see, I suspect the true
reason is much darker.
505
00:19:52,358 --> 00:19:54,091
I suspect that, at a base level,
506
00:19:54,093 --> 00:19:56,427
one that none of us
wants to admit,
507
00:19:56,429 --> 00:20:00,631
we love kids with cancer because
their imminent deaths remind us
508
00:20:00,633 --> 00:20:03,100
that we are still alive, people.
509
00:20:03,102 --> 00:20:05,636
They are the ones
being punished, not us --
510
00:20:05,638 --> 00:20:09,440
as Sanchez strikes out
for the fourth time today.
511
00:20:09,442 --> 00:20:10,975
Shit.
512
00:20:10,977 --> 00:20:13,378
That was way worse than
I thought it was gonna be.
513
00:20:15,782 --> 00:20:18,049
Charles: It was
only a one-game suspension.
514
00:20:18,051 --> 00:20:21,119
It could've been
way worse, right?
515
00:20:21,121 --> 00:20:22,720
Hey, Jim?
516
00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:23,854
Yeah?
517
00:20:23,856 --> 00:20:25,523
Why are we here?
518
00:20:25,525 --> 00:20:27,258
Charles, sometimes you
just have to cut out
519
00:20:27,260 --> 00:20:31,095
those annoying middlemen
called fun and conversation...
520
00:20:31,097 --> 00:20:33,263
and get straight
to the booze.
521
00:20:33,265 --> 00:20:36,567
??
522
00:20:36,569 --> 00:20:39,269
I just watched a man pull out
his own loose tooth.
523
00:20:39,271 --> 00:20:40,605
I hate it here.
524
00:20:40,607 --> 00:20:42,273
I didn't get carded
when I came in,
525
00:20:42,275 --> 00:20:44,608
and I'm not even
the youngest person here.
526
00:20:44,610 --> 00:20:47,178
Oh, Lil Pete's all right.
527
00:20:47,180 --> 00:20:50,281
No, don't -- don't make
eye contact with him.
528
00:20:50,283 --> 00:20:53,083
That third trip to juvie,
that changed him.
529
00:20:53,085 --> 00:20:56,754
What are you having, hmm?
I'm buying.
530
00:20:56,756 --> 00:20:59,423
Yeah, um, I can't be
your producer,
531
00:20:59,425 --> 00:21:02,026
your roommate,
your best friend,
532
00:21:02,028 --> 00:21:04,428
housekeeper,
and drinking buddy.
533
00:21:04,430 --> 00:21:06,430
I know you said I can't say
their name anymore,
534
00:21:06,432 --> 00:21:09,500
but I only know one person who
can match you drink for drink.
535
00:21:09,502 --> 00:21:10,568
If you want some company,
536
00:21:10,570 --> 00:21:12,970
I recommend making
a call to Morristown.
537
00:21:12,972 --> 00:21:14,705
[Sighs]
538
00:21:14,707 --> 00:21:16,173
Yeah, you're right.
539
00:21:16,175 --> 00:21:17,775
[Knock on door]
540
00:21:17,777 --> 00:21:19,110
Ha ha!
541
00:21:19,112 --> 00:21:21,980
[Laughs]
542
00:21:21,982 --> 00:21:23,214
Whoo!
543
00:21:23,216 --> 00:21:25,449
You know this is not
who I was talking about.
544
00:21:25,451 --> 00:21:27,851
There he is.
Brockmire.
545
00:21:27,853 --> 00:21:30,387
Oh, man!
546
00:21:30,389 --> 00:21:31,656
I brought you a present.
547
00:21:31,658 --> 00:21:35,460
Oh.
What are those, mints?
548
00:21:35,462 --> 00:21:37,061
Horse tranquilizer.
549
00:21:37,063 --> 00:21:39,330
Ah, you see?
I missed you.
550
00:21:39,332 --> 00:21:40,865
Come here. Mwah!
551
00:21:48,341 --> 00:21:49,706
You're more likable
when you're drunk.
552
00:21:49,708 --> 00:21:52,676
Those are the words that every
alcoholic longs to be true.
553
00:21:53,513 --> 00:21:54,878
This is New Orleans.
554
00:21:54,914 --> 00:21:56,613
Every carnal pleasure
was invented right here.
555
00:21:56,682 --> 00:21:57,948
You're a brown Joe Buck.
556
00:21:58,017 --> 00:22:01,085
Ha ha. No.
Joe Buck is a white me.
557
00:22:01,087 --> 00:22:02,853
This literally could not
get any worse.
558
00:22:02,922 --> 00:22:05,288
Lucy? Okay, it just got
significantly worse.
559
00:22:05,357 --> 00:22:06,857
??
560
00:22:06,893 --> 00:22:09,727
This comeback might be over
before it's begun.
561
00:22:09,796 --> 00:22:12,429
Ho. We are definitely not
on the same page
562
00:22:12,498 --> 00:22:13,964
about how to spend
this evening.
563
00:22:14,033 --> 00:22:16,934
"Brockmire." Wednesdays at 10:00 on IFC.
563
00:22:17,305 --> 00:22:23,820
49321
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.