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00:00:02,387 --> 00:00:05,303
♪♪♪
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00:00:10,512 --> 00:00:13,136
[news music plays]
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00:00:13,220 --> 00:00:15,053
I'm Chuck Todd,
and Chris Matthews
4
00:00:15,136 --> 00:00:16,845
has always been
a gentleman to me.
5
00:00:16,929 --> 00:00:18,261
The results of
Super Tuesday are in,
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00:00:18,345 --> 00:00:19,887
and the Democrats
have spoken.
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00:00:19,970 --> 00:00:21,637
They said, "We'll take
the guy who was a big joke
8
00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:23,136
three days ago, please."
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00:00:23,220 --> 00:00:25,553
Here's how Vice President Biden
and Senator Sanders
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00:00:25,637 --> 00:00:26,970
addressed their supporters.
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00:00:27,053 --> 00:00:29,595
Folks! We did it, folks!
That's what we've done!
12
00:00:29,679 --> 00:00:31,053
We did it! We done did it!
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00:00:31,136 --> 00:00:33,845
This scrappy kid from Scranton
beat all the odds
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00:00:33,929 --> 00:00:36,303
he repeatedly stacked
against himself!
15
00:00:36,387 --> 00:00:37,804
[cheers and applause]
16
00:00:37,887 --> 00:00:39,804
Thank you! Thank you!
17
00:00:39,887 --> 00:00:41,804
Okay, so, we tried
the fair-election thing.
18
00:00:41,887 --> 00:00:43,178
Time for plan "B" --
19
00:00:43,261 --> 00:00:45,970
Let's start pounding nails
into baseball bats!
20
00:00:46,053 --> 00:00:47,470
[cheers and applause]
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00:00:47,553 --> 00:00:51,178
Holy crap! I didn't even
campaign in half these states!
22
00:00:51,261 --> 00:00:53,720
Always a good sign when the
people who know you the least
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00:00:53,804 --> 00:00:55,178
like you the best.
24
00:00:55,261 --> 00:00:57,804
Thanks to my fervent supporters
25
00:00:57,887 --> 00:00:59,345
I cross the street to avoid.
26
00:00:59,428 --> 00:01:03,011
Your enthusiasm continues
to shock and annoy the nation.
27
00:01:03,095 --> 00:01:05,011
I want to thank
my fellow Democrats
28
00:01:05,095 --> 00:01:08,428
for their endorsements --
Amy Charizard, Major Pete,
29
00:01:08,512 --> 00:01:12,178
and, all the way from Texas,
Buca di Beppo!
30
00:01:12,261 --> 00:01:15,804
Together, we mopped the floor
with Mike Bloomberg!
31
00:01:15,887 --> 00:01:18,595
Ohh! I put Bloomberg
in the ground,
32
00:01:18,679 --> 00:01:19,929
you ungrateful bastards!
33
00:01:20,011 --> 00:01:21,428
Liz, I thought
you were dropping out.
34
00:01:21,512 --> 00:01:23,136
Now you're dropping in?
What are we doin'?
35
00:01:23,220 --> 00:01:25,011
Put me in your
cabinet, Bernie!
36
00:01:25,095 --> 00:01:26,637
I'll overachieve harder
than anybody!
37
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I took selfies with a million
sweaty strangers for this!
38
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I'm coronavirus
patient zero, bitch!
39
00:01:33,887 --> 00:01:37,053
Anyway, my campaign team
says my best path forward
40
00:01:37,136 --> 00:01:40,428
is shot the hell up,
so I'm done talking policy!
41
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Here's my new platform!
42
00:01:42,470 --> 00:01:45,053
[scatting gibberish]
43
00:01:45,136 --> 00:01:47,887
♪ Dun, dohn, deh, deh-deh, duh ♪
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All right. Let's wrap this up!
45
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Hey, I forgot to thank Mike
Bloomberg for sucking big-time!
46
00:01:53,428 --> 00:01:55,553
Thanks, Bloomberg,
wherever you are!
47
00:01:55,637 --> 00:02:00,011
Thank you, American Samoa,
my only Super Tuesday win.
48
00:02:00,095 --> 00:02:01,595
Okay, I think
we're good here.
49
00:02:01,679 --> 00:02:03,053
Hey, Bloomberg!
50
00:02:03,136 --> 00:02:05,845
The DNC sent me here
till November!
51
00:02:05,929 --> 00:02:08,512
We're gonna be best friends!
[scatting gibberish]
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00:02:08,595 --> 00:02:09,845
This is still better
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00:02:09,929 --> 00:02:11,178
than me paying
two percent more in taxes.
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00:02:11,261 --> 00:02:12,845
♪ Deh, deh-deh, duh ♪
55
00:02:12,929 --> 00:02:14,387
♪♪♪
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What letter's this?
Like, a weird "Q" or somethin'?
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00:02:18,345 --> 00:02:21,929
♪♪♪
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♪ ominous music plays ♪
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[Jared] You promised
results, Parscale.
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00:02:26,136 --> 00:02:28,595
But yet here we are,
and the Democratic candidates
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00:02:28,679 --> 00:02:31,095
haven't mysteriously vanished
from the public eye
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00:02:31,178 --> 00:02:32,512
like that Washington Post
journalist!
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We can take them down
by pointing out
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00:02:34,220 --> 00:02:36,929
how some of them are women
and how their gender's
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different from
a man's gender.
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00:02:38,595 --> 00:02:42,929
That was 2016! You promised us
sexism 2.0, you son of a bitch!
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[Lara] Ugh! Amateurs!
[thunder crashes]
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00:02:45,136 --> 00:02:47,220
Step aside and let
a real psycho biddy
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show you how to limbo under
the legal line of slander.
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[keys clacking]
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-Good lord!
-She's diabolical!
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[whooshing and beeping]
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00:02:54,261 --> 00:02:56,136
Wait.
Who are you again?
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00:02:56,220 --> 00:02:58,762
I'm Lara Trump.
Married to Eric.
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She is nuts!
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[thunder crashes]
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[Warren] This is
getting ridiculous!
78
00:03:06,095 --> 00:03:07,303
Maybe I should
just drop out.
79
00:03:07,387 --> 00:03:09,470
What's wrong, honey?
Is it that wistful
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00:03:09,553 --> 00:03:11,553
personal essay you read in
The New Yorker three weeks ago?
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00:03:11,637 --> 00:03:14,512
"Elizabeth Warren Used
Native American Ancestry
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00:03:14,595 --> 00:03:17,303
On Tenure Application
At Comet Ping Pong"?
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00:03:17,387 --> 00:03:19,679
What's that headline from?
The Whopper Gazette?
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00:03:19,762 --> 00:03:21,178
Honey? Is it?
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00:03:21,261 --> 00:03:24,011
Trump's campaign posted it
on Facebook as a rumor,
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and now it has
30,000 shares.
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Oh, sweetie,
it'll be fine.
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The American people
are far too discerning
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to buy that sordid flimflam.
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00:03:31,512 --> 00:03:34,345
The American people are buying
this sordid flimflam!
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00:03:34,428 --> 00:03:37,095
Let's spend the next eight weeks
rolling around in this story
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like pigs in a pen
full of boom boom!
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Lara Trump, what say you?!
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00:03:40,512 --> 00:03:43,261
Sean, these accusations lead
to only one conclusion --
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Elizabeth Warren's body
is being inhabited
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by the soul
of Jeffrey Epstein.
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That's the stuff!!
[howls]
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00:03:49,261 --> 00:03:51,136
I can almost hear the brittle
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00:03:51,220 --> 00:03:52,637
elderly fingers
clicking "Share."
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00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:55,178
Five thousand
Kiss-Ass Points for Lara.
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00:03:55,261 --> 00:03:57,095
What have the rest of you
done for me lately?
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Reminder --
the winning couple
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won't have to carry my casket
into the pyramid.
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00:04:01,345 --> 00:04:03,428
Cranberry Milfoyle and I
got caught porking onstage
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00:04:03,512 --> 00:04:05,178
at a Young Republicans
conference.
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00:04:05,261 --> 00:04:07,178
It was so hot that
they begged us to stop.
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00:04:07,261 --> 00:04:09,136
That'll play well
with evangelicals.
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00:04:09,220 --> 00:04:10,428
Five hundred points each.
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00:04:10,512 --> 00:04:13,178
-Ivanka?
-Absolutely nothing!
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Twelve thousand points
for you, sweetie.
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00:04:15,261 --> 00:04:16,512
And what about you, Eric?
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00:04:16,595 --> 00:04:19,011
I pried off
my permanent braces
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to see what the wind
felt like against my teeth.
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00:04:22,387 --> 00:04:24,553
Oof. I have to dock you
a hundred points
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for bringing up
your janky-ass mouth.
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Eric, you gotta shape up
and become a real Trump
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like my daughter Lara.
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♪♪♪
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[Warren] Thank you all
for meeting with me.
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I know tensions
are high right now.
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Are you kidding?
Mitch is the closest thing
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we have to a friend.
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00:04:40,637 --> 00:04:43,220
Our relationship has
never been healthier.
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00:04:43,303 --> 00:04:45,887
-They scratch my back...
-And we scratch his.
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00:04:45,970 --> 00:04:47,970
Facebook has been
legitimizing lies,
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and I think it's time
we regulate 'em!
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♪ tense chord strikes ♪
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-Chuck, close the blinds.
-You got it, boss.
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00:04:54,136 --> 00:04:56,845
Facebook runs
Washington, Lizzy.
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00:04:56,929 --> 00:04:58,428
They basically
sign our checks.
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00:04:58,512 --> 00:05:01,387
I'm not even sure I still
get a federal salary.
132
00:05:01,470 --> 00:05:04,095
Plus, their algorithm
perfectly amplifies our message
133
00:05:04,178 --> 00:05:06,470
of "Trump is mean,
whereas he should be nice."
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00:05:06,553 --> 00:05:09,470
Maybe somebody just needs
to stand up to them!
135
00:05:09,553 --> 00:05:12,261
There's a quaint saying
in Washington,
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00:05:12,345 --> 00:05:14,637
and it goes like this --
"Don't poke the butthole
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00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:17,553
of a company with
half a trillion dollars."
138
00:05:17,637 --> 00:05:20,220
[Schumer] Can I get you anything
else, Mitch? Seltzer? Popchips?
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00:05:20,303 --> 00:05:22,929
[Eric]
Honey, can I stay up
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00:05:23,011 --> 00:05:24,428
to watch you
be racist on Tucker?
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00:05:24,512 --> 00:05:26,303
You should join me
on the air.
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00:05:26,387 --> 00:05:28,345
We could use the extra
Kiss-Ass Points.
143
00:05:28,428 --> 00:05:30,470
Don Jr.'s public porking
has been killing us lately.
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00:05:30,553 --> 00:05:34,178
I'd love to, but I'm more of
a behind-the-scenes mastermind.
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00:05:34,261 --> 00:05:36,095
By the way, have you seen
the Rolex I use
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to bust open shellfish?
147
00:05:37,804 --> 00:05:40,762
Oh, Eric, my plump, white
cannellini bean of a husband.
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00:05:40,845 --> 00:05:43,261
If you want to start climbing
the family leaderboard,
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you need to start kissing
your dad's ass --
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hard, fast,
and publicly.
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This is not where I thought
Shellfish Sunday was going.
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♪♪♪
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[Mann] You okay? You've barely
touched your just-for-fun W-4.
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00:05:56,553 --> 00:05:59,845
[sighs] Just thinking about
the fake news story again.
155
00:05:59,929 --> 00:06:02,804
It's fine. People have
already moved on to the new one
156
00:06:02,887 --> 00:06:05,720
about Ruth Bader Ginsburg's
debilitating 'roid rage.
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00:06:05,804 --> 00:06:09,220
[scoffs] All these lies,
they remind me of school,
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00:06:09,303 --> 00:06:11,387
when people would spread
nasty rumors
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00:06:11,470 --> 00:06:14,136
about me being a bookish,
breathless nerd.
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00:06:14,220 --> 00:06:15,845
I can't stand to
see you like this,
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00:06:15,929 --> 00:06:18,220
only bouncing through one pair
of tennis shoes per day.
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Just tell Zuckerberg,
politely but firmly,
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to knock off
the monkey business.
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You're right! I'm sure once I
relate to him as a human being,
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00:06:25,470 --> 00:06:27,387
he'll ignore the lure
of infinite wealth
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00:06:27,470 --> 00:06:29,512
and bulletproof
political influence!
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00:06:29,595 --> 00:06:31,595
No one can resist your charm
once you sit down
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and painstakingly
explain it to them.
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00:06:34,970 --> 00:06:36,679
♪♪♪
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I'm Tucker Carlson, and I look
25 in an unsympathetic way.
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St. Patrick's Day is
almost here, and joining me
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00:06:41,804 --> 00:06:43,553
to back my claim
that if black people
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had a similar holiday
I'd also support it
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is the MAGA Medusa herself,
Lara Trump.
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00:06:47,929 --> 00:06:50,804
Thank you, Tuck. Of course,
we'd all celebrate holiday
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that encourages non-white
people to binge drink
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00:06:53,261 --> 00:06:55,136
and take to the streets,
yeah.
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[twinkling]
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We're joined tonight
by Sir Eric of Trump,
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00:06:58,512 --> 00:07:01,303
who is a public, co-equal member
of the Trump family.
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00:07:01,387 --> 00:07:03,178
Sir Eric,
want to say anything cool?
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00:07:03,261 --> 00:07:05,845
-My dad is like a boss.
-Wow!
183
00:07:05,929 --> 00:07:08,345
See ya later, alligator
that can't hurt me
184
00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:10,637
because it's just
a figure of speech.
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00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:11,553
[twinkling]
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00:07:11,637 --> 00:07:15,762
Wow! Dream Eric
can tie a bandana!
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00:07:16,637 --> 00:07:18,220
[beep]
[assistant] Mr. Zuckerberg,
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00:07:18,303 --> 00:07:20,178
Amnesty International's
asking about
189
00:07:20,261 --> 00:07:22,387
our abetting a genocide
in Myanmar.
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00:07:22,470 --> 00:07:24,512
Okay. How about this?
We will install a
191
00:07:24,595 --> 00:07:26,428
"mark yourself safe from
ethnic cleansing" button.
192
00:07:26,512 --> 00:07:28,261
And Elizabeth Warren
is here to chide you.
193
00:07:28,345 --> 00:07:29,595
Senator, you should
have phoned ahead
194
00:07:29,679 --> 00:07:31,387
or just mouthed
your flight details
195
00:07:31,470 --> 00:07:32,512
in front of your
computer camera.
196
00:07:32,595 --> 00:07:35,428
You still haven't banned
fake news from Facebook,
197
00:07:35,512 --> 00:07:37,804
even though I've asked you
urgently and repeatedly,
198
00:07:37,887 --> 00:07:40,136
like a librarian
shooing out a pervert
199
00:07:40,220 --> 00:07:41,553
touching his willy
in the stacks!
200
00:07:41,637 --> 00:07:44,220
Who am I to infringe
on bad-faith grifters'
201
00:07:44,303 --> 00:07:45,595
right to grift freely?
202
00:07:45,679 --> 00:07:47,470
-But people are getting hurt.
-Ms. Warren,
203
00:07:47,553 --> 00:07:50,220
it is common knowledge
that you can't make a website
204
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:51,762
where you see photos
of your niece
205
00:07:51,845 --> 00:07:54,095
without destroying
society completely.
206
00:07:54,178 --> 00:07:55,303
[beep]
[assistant] Sir,
207
00:07:55,387 --> 00:07:57,470
your human lunch food is here.
208
00:07:58,345 --> 00:08:00,261
Just ask him
for a campaign job.
209
00:08:00,345 --> 00:08:02,387
He gives one out to
every dog-racing fanatic
210
00:08:02,470 --> 00:08:04,345
with a store-bought
hairline!
211
00:08:04,428 --> 00:08:06,470
I don't know!
He looks pretty busy...
212
00:08:06,553 --> 00:08:09,387
"Dear Angela Merkel, it's your
husband. I want a divorce."
213
00:08:09,470 --> 00:08:12,762
Mr. President, um,
Eric has something to ask you.
214
00:08:12,845 --> 00:08:15,220
What is it, Eric?
Daddy's working.
215
00:08:15,303 --> 00:08:18,136
President Mr. Dad,
I was just thinking that,
216
00:08:18,220 --> 00:08:20,345
because I've been
a good boy lately,
217
00:08:20,428 --> 00:08:23,637
I could maybe be TV guy
for your campaign. The end.
218
00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:26,136
I dunno. You just don't have
that Trump "It Factor"
219
00:08:26,220 --> 00:08:28,303
that turns every
swing-state Thanksgiving
220
00:08:28,387 --> 00:08:29,929
into a murder-mystery
party.
221
00:08:30,011 --> 00:08:31,762
Not even
if Lara helps me?
222
00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:36,512
Sir, it is my solemn vow to not
let him let you down too much.
223
00:08:36,595 --> 00:08:39,011
Well, if Lara's cool,
I'm cool.
224
00:08:39,095 --> 00:08:40,845
You can join my campaign
as TV guy,
225
00:08:40,929 --> 00:08:43,136
and if you're
really good at it,
226
00:08:43,220 --> 00:08:44,970
I might even let you
take my daughter
227
00:08:45,053 --> 00:08:46,178
Lara's hand in marriage.
228
00:08:46,261 --> 00:08:47,970
Sick!
I'll get to marry a lady
229
00:08:48,053 --> 00:08:51,428
who looks vaguely like
every other lady in my family!
230
00:08:51,512 --> 00:08:53,470
♪ sweet music plays ♪
231
00:08:53,553 --> 00:08:55,470
Goodbye, Bailey.
Thanks for giving me
232
00:08:55,553 --> 00:08:57,512
a vague sheen
of domestic normalcy.
233
00:08:57,595 --> 00:08:59,470
[Mann] Ooh, you stop
right there, Missy.
234
00:08:59,553 --> 00:09:00,887
Sure, it's tempting
to give up and condemn
235
00:09:00,970 --> 00:09:03,220
Bailey to certain death,
but you have to keep fighting.
236
00:09:03,303 --> 00:09:05,512
I just can't beat
Zuckerberg.
237
00:09:05,595 --> 00:09:07,345
This is the one thing
I don't have a
238
00:09:07,428 --> 00:09:09,553
"loose set of ideas
that I call a plan" for.
239
00:09:09,637 --> 00:09:10,762
[spits]
[gasps]
240
00:09:10,845 --> 00:09:13,470
Spitting?! What are you,
an adjunct professor?!
241
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:15,720
I'm just proverbially
sick of it.
242
00:09:15,804 --> 00:09:17,887
You're Elizabeth Warren!
You made the big banks
243
00:09:17,970 --> 00:09:20,261
take responsibility
for the last recession
244
00:09:20,345 --> 00:09:21,929
right before they
started on a new one.
245
00:09:22,011 --> 00:09:23,679
If anyone can scold
a special interest
246
00:09:23,762 --> 00:09:26,970
into making surface reforms
without solving the root issue,
247
00:09:27,053 --> 00:09:28,011
it's you.
248
00:09:28,095 --> 00:09:31,220
Bruce! My sweet, smokin' angel,
you're right!
249
00:09:31,303 --> 00:09:32,845
I'm gonna take down Facebook
250
00:09:32,929 --> 00:09:35,637
even if it's the last
half-measure I do!
251
00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:37,970
♪ bright music plays ♪
252
00:09:38,053 --> 00:09:42,011
♪♪♪
253
00:09:42,095 --> 00:09:43,679
[news music plays]
254
00:09:43,762 --> 00:09:46,053
Tonight we're discussing
the problems with globalism,
255
00:09:46,136 --> 00:09:48,512
and when I say "globalism,"
I mean something else.
256
00:09:48,595 --> 00:09:50,679
I'm joined by
Lara and Eric Trump.
257
00:09:50,762 --> 00:09:52,804
Hi, Tucker.
Thanks for having us
258
00:09:52,887 --> 00:09:56,887
and assuring me that the lav mic
isn't a daddy long legs.
259
00:09:56,970 --> 00:10:00,345
So, how is the President ending
the scourge of the worldwide...
260
00:10:00,428 --> 00:10:02,387
Soros-funded cabal?
261
00:10:02,470 --> 00:10:05,762
-The President has repeatedly --
-I'll take this one.
262
00:10:05,845 --> 00:10:09,387
Oh, no. I don't know
what to say. Come on, Eric.
263
00:10:09,470 --> 00:10:10,762
Just get one word out,
264
00:10:10,845 --> 00:10:13,428
and the rest of the dog
whistles will follow.
265
00:10:13,512 --> 00:10:14,929
Oh, no!
I'm freaking out!
266
00:10:15,011 --> 00:10:16,887
Lara, the global elite
are opening borders...
267
00:10:16,970 --> 00:10:19,387
[Eric hyperventilating]
...tearing down institutions...
268
00:10:19,470 --> 00:10:21,512
and refusing to
work on Saturdays.
269
00:10:21,595 --> 00:10:23,512
We're working hard
to put America first.
270
00:10:23,595 --> 00:10:25,804
[Eric] Lara!
My lav mic moved!
271
00:10:25,887 --> 00:10:28,970
Somebody punch me as hard
as you can in the chest!
272
00:10:29,053 --> 00:10:30,887
♪ swift classical music plays ♪
273
00:10:30,970 --> 00:10:34,720
I know exactly what we need
to take down Zuckerberg
274
00:10:34,804 --> 00:10:36,762
and his little dolly bangs!
Way ahead of you.
275
00:10:36,845 --> 00:10:39,220
I can hand out protest flyers
at Paper Source.
276
00:10:39,303 --> 00:10:41,220
No, no, look!
Hello, Facebook.
277
00:10:41,303 --> 00:10:43,303
I'm grilling some meats,
278
00:10:43,387 --> 00:10:45,053
having a great, normal time.
279
00:10:45,136 --> 00:10:47,929
Wow. Seems like he's having
a great normal time.
280
00:10:48,011 --> 00:10:49,762
Look at this.
281
00:10:49,845 --> 00:10:52,512
Brucie, those two freaks
know each other!
282
00:10:52,595 --> 00:10:54,512
Maybe the one
brown-nosing android
283
00:10:54,595 --> 00:10:57,845
will know how to take down
the other brown-nosing android.
284
00:10:57,929 --> 00:11:00,512
You're not suggesting we talk
to Pete Buttigieg, are you?
285
00:11:00,595 --> 00:11:02,345
Why, he fought in Afghanistan
just so diner managers
286
00:11:02,428 --> 00:11:04,053
would say,
"No, sir, it's on me."
287
00:11:04,136 --> 00:11:07,470
If you can find me someone else
as self-satisfied, unblinking,
288
00:11:07,553 --> 00:11:09,595
and newly unemployed,
I'm all ears.
289
00:11:09,679 --> 00:11:11,929
[crowd cheering,
rock music playing]
290
00:11:12,011 --> 00:11:13,762
I got 'em all
warmed up for ya.
291
00:11:13,845 --> 00:11:16,929
Stick to the red meat --
immigration, guns,
292
00:11:17,011 --> 00:11:19,470
and how Anna Wintour's
Christmas party this year
293
00:11:19,553 --> 00:11:22,637
was super ill-attended.
294
00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:25,387
How about this
illegal immigration, huh?
295
00:11:25,470 --> 00:11:26,804
[crowd cheers]
296
00:11:26,887 --> 00:11:29,470
A lot of illegal immigrants
work for my dad.
297
00:11:29,553 --> 00:11:32,428
[cheering stops]
Like my nanny Julia,
298
00:11:32,512 --> 00:11:33,679
who taught me how to shave
299
00:11:33,762 --> 00:11:36,011
and that my father
sprinting away
300
00:11:36,095 --> 00:11:37,178
was a form of affection.
301
00:11:37,261 --> 00:11:38,637
Thank you, Eric.
302
00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:41,095
PC culture...
[crowd jeering]
303
00:11:41,178 --> 00:11:42,136
...is making
304
00:11:42,220 --> 00:11:44,637
transgender refugees...
[jeering intensifies]
305
00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:47,512
...steal the jobs...
[jeering intensifies]
306
00:11:47,595 --> 00:11:50,553
...that are being
sent to China.
307
00:11:50,637 --> 00:11:53,303
[man] Mmm-mmm!
Love that rage!
308
00:11:53,387 --> 00:11:54,720
♪♪♪
309
00:11:54,804 --> 00:11:56,970
[Warren] Mayor Pete,
what's with the iguanas?
310
00:11:57,053 --> 00:11:58,804
My only flaw of
this election cycle
311
00:11:58,887 --> 00:12:00,679
was not owning
a high-profile pet.
312
00:12:00,762 --> 00:12:03,804
Meet Christophe, my ticket
to victory in 2024.
313
00:12:03,887 --> 00:12:06,595
You and Mark Zuckerberg were
sociopaths together at Harvard.
314
00:12:06,679 --> 00:12:08,762
I need you to tell me
how to beat him.
315
00:12:08,845 --> 00:12:11,553
I can help, but I must ask
for a quid pro quo.
316
00:12:11,637 --> 00:12:13,428
Tell me about
your deepest trauma.
317
00:12:13,512 --> 00:12:14,929
Why are you asking that?
318
00:12:15,011 --> 00:12:17,303
Pet ownership only
makes you so relatable.
319
00:12:17,387 --> 00:12:19,679
I need to know
how normal humans think.
320
00:12:19,762 --> 00:12:22,637
[sighs] In high school,
I was teased.
321
00:12:22,720 --> 00:12:24,261
The other kids
on the debate team
322
00:12:24,345 --> 00:12:27,845
built an airtight case
on ways in which I sucked,
323
00:12:27,929 --> 00:12:30,804
and they called me
"Lizzy the Loser."
324
00:12:30,887 --> 00:12:32,637
[students chanting]
Lizzy the Loser!
325
00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:34,929
Lizzy the Loser!
Lizzy the Loser!
326
00:12:35,011 --> 00:12:36,720
And that made you
feel good? Sad?
327
00:12:36,804 --> 00:12:38,512
Again, I need help
with this sort of stuff.
328
00:12:38,595 --> 00:12:39,929
-Sad.
-Very well.
329
00:12:40,011 --> 00:12:42,762
Before Facebook, did you know
Zuckerberg made a website
330
00:12:42,845 --> 00:12:45,011
to rate people on
their physical appearance?
331
00:12:45,095 --> 00:12:46,845
You only create
a website like that
332
00:12:46,929 --> 00:12:49,387
if you're insecure
about your own appearance.
333
00:12:49,470 --> 00:12:51,553
♪ tense music plays ♪
334
00:12:51,637 --> 00:12:53,428
Hey, can I steal that
debate-team anecdote
335
00:12:53,512 --> 00:12:55,595
for the talk-show circuit?
336
00:12:55,679 --> 00:12:57,804
[Eric]
This freaking sucks!
337
00:12:57,887 --> 00:13:01,011
First, Tucker Carlson punched me
so hard, I yakked on air,
338
00:13:01,095 --> 00:13:04,053
then I accidentally said
immigrants are people.
339
00:13:04,136 --> 00:13:05,387
How do you do it?
340
00:13:05,470 --> 00:13:06,637
We're just different.
341
00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:08,929
I'm a sexy,
stone-cold libslayer,
342
00:13:09,011 --> 00:13:11,595
and the FCC classified
your face as an orifice.
343
00:13:11,679 --> 00:13:14,220
How do I become
more like you?
344
00:13:14,303 --> 00:13:16,970
Marry me? Hmm!
345
00:13:17,053 --> 00:13:19,053
I just think you have to
be your own thing.
346
00:13:19,136 --> 00:13:20,345
Let me get a look at you.
347
00:13:20,428 --> 00:13:24,387
Hmm. Tissue-box shaped feet,
butterknife ears, avian skull,
348
00:13:24,470 --> 00:13:27,553
baby teeth and adult teeth all
fighting it out for dominance.
349
00:13:27,637 --> 00:13:30,387
[gasps] Eric, you should be
our campaign mascot!
350
00:13:30,470 --> 00:13:32,512
♪ dramatic music rises ♪
351
00:13:32,595 --> 00:13:35,095
[narrator] And that concludes
our look into an empty room.
352
00:13:35,178 --> 00:13:37,845
We go now live to
Senator Elizabeth Warren's
353
00:13:37,929 --> 00:13:40,553
Special Committee on
Facebook Disinformation.
354
00:13:40,637 --> 00:13:42,679
Just relax and remember
every subsection and bylaw
355
00:13:42,762 --> 00:13:44,220
of the Facebook
user agreement.
356
00:13:44,303 --> 00:13:46,804
If you're in a jam, I wrote you
this saucy little barb.
357
00:13:46,887 --> 00:13:48,762
How do you pronounce
"Bête comm--"
358
00:13:48,845 --> 00:13:50,720
"Bête comme ses pieds."
"As stupid as the feet."
359
00:13:50,804 --> 00:13:53,178
It's hard to translate, but
the right people will love it!
360
00:13:53,261 --> 00:13:54,679
[chatter]
361
00:13:54,762 --> 00:13:56,178
Remember, Mark --
if you're not human,
362
00:13:56,261 --> 00:13:58,011
you can't get in trouble.
[gavel banging]
363
00:13:58,095 --> 00:14:00,178
Thank you to my colleagues
who appeared here today
364
00:14:00,261 --> 00:14:02,428
despite Facebook's influence
in Washington.
365
00:14:02,512 --> 00:14:04,929
[snorts] Oh-oh, God!
366
00:14:05,011 --> 00:14:08,428
People are gonna think
I believe in something.
367
00:14:08,512 --> 00:14:09,804
Mr. Zuckerberg,
368
00:14:09,887 --> 00:14:12,095
does Facebook
have a responsibility
369
00:14:12,178 --> 00:14:14,845
to remove political
advertisements featuring lies?
370
00:14:14,929 --> 00:14:16,553
Yes, we have
a responsibility
371
00:14:16,637 --> 00:14:18,637
to uphold the freedom
of speech.
372
00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:19,887
[applause]
Thank you.
373
00:14:19,970 --> 00:14:22,053
Even if that speech
contains lies?
374
00:14:22,136 --> 00:14:23,929
Facebook users
are perfectly capable
375
00:14:24,011 --> 00:14:25,804
of deciding truth
from fiction.
376
00:14:25,887 --> 00:14:28,261
They are the most discerning
people on Earth.
377
00:14:28,345 --> 00:14:29,553
Just like this crowd.
378
00:14:29,637 --> 00:14:31,929
[cheers and applause]
[stammering] Ugh!
379
00:14:32,011 --> 00:14:33,512
[Buttigieg] You only
create a website like that
380
00:14:33,595 --> 00:14:35,970
if you're insecure
about your own appearance.
381
00:14:36,053 --> 00:14:37,679
Well, what if I took out an ad
382
00:14:37,762 --> 00:14:40,303
saying that your face sucked
big-time?!
383
00:14:40,387 --> 00:14:42,303
Sucky Zucky!
[laughter]
384
00:14:42,387 --> 00:14:43,845
And what if the ad mentioned
385
00:14:43,929 --> 00:14:46,637
your little gerbil eyes
and cheesecake complexion?
386
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:48,804
[laughter]
Caesar was actually murdered
387
00:14:48,887 --> 00:14:51,679
because they found out
he inspired your haircut.
388
00:14:51,762 --> 00:14:55,011
What's it like knowing that
not even billions of dollars
389
00:14:55,095 --> 00:14:57,512
can give you human eyebrows?!
390
00:14:57,595 --> 00:14:59,220
Saggy-assed freak
391
00:14:59,303 --> 00:15:02,804
probably stuffed his boxers
with Capri Sun Juice pouches
392
00:15:02,887 --> 00:15:06,679
just to give his pants
a tiny hint of kablow, biatch!
393
00:15:06,762 --> 00:15:08,553
[cheers and applause]
394
00:15:08,637 --> 00:15:11,679
♪ dramatic music plays ♪
395
00:15:11,762 --> 00:15:13,387
[market bell ringing]
396
00:15:13,470 --> 00:15:15,011
After Warren's takedown,
397
00:15:15,095 --> 00:15:17,303
Facebook stock is plummeting
as users realize
398
00:15:17,387 --> 00:15:19,512
Zuckerberg is a nerd freak
with a droopy ass.
399
00:15:19,595 --> 00:15:22,679
Analysts say that his tenure
as CEO is in jeopardy.
400
00:15:22,762 --> 00:15:24,136
We did it, Brucie!
401
00:15:24,220 --> 00:15:27,095
I'm DC's smackdown
school marm.
402
00:15:27,178 --> 00:15:29,512
I don't know, Liz.
Ad hominem attacks?
403
00:15:29,595 --> 00:15:31,261
What's next --
argumentum ad absurdum?
404
00:15:31,345 --> 00:15:33,595
Besides, I think his eyebrows
look perfectly normal.
405
00:15:33,679 --> 00:15:36,053
Relax, Bruce.
We're winning.
406
00:15:36,136 --> 00:15:38,679
Now slide that round
little rump over
407
00:15:38,762 --> 00:15:41,929
to my side of the
Ethan Allen sectional.
408
00:15:42,011 --> 00:15:43,720
[crowd cheering,
rock music playing]
409
00:15:43,804 --> 00:15:44,762
[Lara]
Let's give a warm welcome
410
00:15:44,845 --> 00:15:47,929
to your new Trump 2020 mascot --
411
00:15:48,011 --> 00:15:49,762
Gummy!
[cheers and applause]
412
00:15:49,845 --> 00:15:52,428
Abolish the estate tax!
413
00:15:52,512 --> 00:15:54,553
Hillary belongs in prison!
414
00:15:54,637 --> 00:15:56,929
Make America Gummy Again!
415
00:15:57,011 --> 00:15:59,053
Zooba zooba!
[crowd chanting "Gummy!"]
416
00:15:59,136 --> 00:16:02,553
You see that thing?
That's my daughter's boyfriend.
417
00:16:02,637 --> 00:16:04,512
Zooba zooba!
418
00:16:04,595 --> 00:16:06,303
Zooba zooba, Dad.
419
00:16:06,387 --> 00:16:07,887
Now keep this energy going
420
00:16:07,970 --> 00:16:10,553
for my wife
who kind of scares me.
421
00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:12,512
Lara Trump!
422
00:16:12,595 --> 00:16:14,845
Americans
now more than ever...
423
00:16:14,929 --> 00:16:15,929
[man]
Bring Gummy back out!
424
00:16:16,011 --> 00:16:17,970
-Bring back Gummy!
-Bring back Gummy!
425
00:16:18,053 --> 00:16:20,845
Uh...o-okay.
Uh...Gummy!
426
00:16:20,929 --> 00:16:24,637
We owe the Kurds nothing!
Zooba zooba!
427
00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:28,303
[crowd]
Gummy! Gummy! Gummy!
428
00:16:28,387 --> 00:16:30,428
[rock music playing]
429
00:16:30,512 --> 00:16:32,387
[crowd cheering]
430
00:16:32,470 --> 00:16:36,136
♪♪♪
431
00:16:40,261 --> 00:16:41,220
[news music plays]
432
00:16:41,303 --> 00:16:43,428
I'm Jake Tapper,
and every Sunday night,
433
00:16:43,512 --> 00:16:45,970
my family and I pretend
it's my birthday.
434
00:16:46,053 --> 00:16:49,303
We're joined tonight
by the Beltway Bruiser herself,
435
00:16:49,387 --> 00:16:51,553
Elizabeth Warren.
What's up, freakazoid?
436
00:16:51,637 --> 00:16:55,136
Senator, your brutish tactics
on the subcommittee circuit
437
00:16:55,220 --> 00:16:57,303
are getting their
fair share of attention.
438
00:16:57,387 --> 00:16:59,845
Listen up, dingle-dangle, you're
cuter with your mouth closed.
439
00:16:59,929 --> 00:17:02,303
Heh. And that's a fact, Jack.
It's actually "Jake."
440
00:17:02,387 --> 00:17:04,804
The target of your
most merciless ribbing,
441
00:17:04,887 --> 00:17:06,595
Mark Zuckerberg,
just posted this video.
442
00:17:06,679 --> 00:17:10,261
Hey, Facebook,
it's your boy Sucky Zucky.
443
00:17:10,345 --> 00:17:14,470
Someone stole my meats and
took a huge crap in my smoker.
444
00:17:14,553 --> 00:17:17,345
Thank you for watching.
Comment and like.
445
00:17:17,428 --> 00:17:20,178
-Chilling stuff. Any regrets?
-None whatsoever.
446
00:17:20,261 --> 00:17:23,136
In fact, the crap
in his smoker was mine.
447
00:17:23,220 --> 00:17:25,929
Gotta split and make Jamie Dimon
mow my lawn with his teeth.
448
00:17:26,011 --> 00:17:27,345
Someone's got a big head.
449
00:17:27,428 --> 00:17:30,011
After the break, I'll rank
every American citizen
450
00:17:30,095 --> 00:17:32,136
from most to least patriotic.
451
00:17:32,220 --> 00:17:34,970
Spoiler alert -- I'm up there.
452
00:17:35,053 --> 00:17:37,720
♪ bright music plays ♪
453
00:17:37,804 --> 00:17:38,970
[soft rattling]
454
00:17:39,053 --> 00:17:41,178
Eric, why are you up
so early?
455
00:17:41,261 --> 00:17:43,970
Aww, did you mix up
AM and PM again, sweetie?
456
00:17:44,053 --> 00:17:46,762
[Eric] We talked
about this, babe.
457
00:17:46,845 --> 00:17:50,011
I'm opening for
Imagine Dragons!
458
00:17:50,095 --> 00:17:51,887
[shrieks]
What did you do?!
459
00:17:51,970 --> 00:17:54,887
I ate all of Brad Parscale's
hair medicine
460
00:17:54,970 --> 00:17:56,970
and slept in a vat
of food coloring.
461
00:17:57,053 --> 00:17:58,428
Don't you love it?
462
00:17:58,512 --> 00:17:59,679
[horn honks]
Limo's here!
463
00:17:59,762 --> 00:18:01,845
Hey, are Penn and Teller
a big deal?
464
00:18:01,929 --> 00:18:04,011
After the show,
they want to grab dinner
465
00:18:04,095 --> 00:18:06,845
at some hole in the wall
called Ruth's Chris.
466
00:18:06,929 --> 00:18:09,387
Yeah. [scoffs]
They're a huge deal.
467
00:18:09,470 --> 00:18:11,428
But I thought we were
gonna grab dinner.
468
00:18:11,512 --> 00:18:12,970
[horn blares]
Gotta go.
469
00:18:13,053 --> 00:18:16,679
Oh, by the way, I used your
grandmother's antique handtowels
470
00:18:16,762 --> 00:18:18,178
to sop up the extra dye.
471
00:18:18,261 --> 00:18:21,804
Might want to wash those
a few dozen times. Mmmkay?
472
00:18:21,887 --> 00:18:23,887
♪ dark music plays ♪
473
00:18:23,970 --> 00:18:25,345
[Warren]
Long day at work.
474
00:18:25,428 --> 00:18:28,053
I dunked on Pompeo for looking
like a hard-boiled egg,
475
00:18:28,136 --> 00:18:30,887
then he texted me a paragraph
cosigned by his therapist.
476
00:18:30,970 --> 00:18:32,387
Hey, hey, hey, Bruce!
477
00:18:32,470 --> 00:18:35,053
I told you to wear your onion
goggles when chopping onions!
478
00:18:35,136 --> 00:18:36,845
You know I always
wear the goggles.
479
00:18:36,929 --> 00:18:38,553
It's you.
You've become a bully.
480
00:18:38,637 --> 00:18:42,011
-I'm not a bully. Phooey!
-And now you're swearing?
481
00:18:42,095 --> 00:18:44,345
Who art thou?
You've gotten too soft.
482
00:18:44,428 --> 00:18:47,303
I've seen your grade curves.
They're generous.
483
00:18:47,387 --> 00:18:49,845
[gasps] Now you're saying things
you can't take back.
484
00:18:49,929 --> 00:18:53,053
Look. It's still me, Brucie.
Now come over here.
485
00:18:53,136 --> 00:18:56,345
Senator Warren is introducing
a smooch to the floor.
486
00:18:56,428 --> 00:18:57,387
[dog barking]
487
00:18:57,470 --> 00:19:01,095
Oh, zip it, you campaign prop!
[gasps] Oh, dear.
488
00:19:01,178 --> 00:19:03,011
If you need me, you know
my posted office hours.
489
00:19:03,095 --> 00:19:06,178
♪ suspenseful music rising ♪
490
00:19:07,470 --> 00:19:10,261
Uhh. I thought you'd
be asleep by now.
491
00:19:10,345 --> 00:19:12,762
I tried to bring leftovers
from Ruth's Chris,
492
00:19:12,845 --> 00:19:14,637
but Teller
made them disappear.
493
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:16,220
I already ate.
494
00:19:16,303 --> 00:19:18,261
You know what, Eric?
You've changed.
495
00:19:18,345 --> 00:19:22,178
What?!
Where is this coming from?
496
00:19:22,261 --> 00:19:24,053
I wanted you to have approval
from your father,
497
00:19:24,136 --> 00:19:25,929
but this is too much.
498
00:19:26,011 --> 00:19:27,762
Just go back to being
the hairless dunce
499
00:19:27,845 --> 00:19:29,220
I somehow
willingly married.
500
00:19:29,303 --> 00:19:32,303
Underneath the fur and
steak sauce, I'm still the same.
501
00:19:32,387 --> 00:19:35,261
Come on. Let's go...
What did we used to do together?
502
00:19:35,345 --> 00:19:36,762
Play baseball or...?
503
00:19:36,845 --> 00:19:38,261
Eric, I'm staying
at my mother's.
504
00:19:38,345 --> 00:19:40,762
At least she understands
the real me --
505
00:19:40,845 --> 00:19:43,011
Lara Something-Something
Trump!
506
00:19:43,095 --> 00:19:45,637
♪ foreboding music swelling ♪
507
00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:49,220
♪♪♪
508
00:19:52,136 --> 00:19:54,220
I guess I'm just
a bully for hire now,
509
00:19:54,303 --> 00:19:57,136
completely devoid
of a moral compass.
510
00:19:57,220 --> 00:19:58,845
That's why we're
offerin' ya a job.
511
00:19:58,929 --> 00:20:00,470
We just have to have
your twitchy brand
512
00:20:00,553 --> 00:20:04,011
of take-no-prisoners justice
in primetime.
513
00:20:04,095 --> 00:20:07,011
You'll start as my legal analyst
with your own segment
514
00:20:07,095 --> 00:20:09,220
attacking the top five dipsticks
of the day.
515
00:20:09,303 --> 00:20:11,261
How do you feel
about dying your hair
516
00:20:11,345 --> 00:20:14,220
16 competing shades
of blond?
517
00:20:15,762 --> 00:20:17,095
♪ somber music plays ♪
518
00:20:17,178 --> 00:20:19,303
Gummy, you're on in five.
Hey. Zooba zooba.
519
00:20:19,387 --> 00:20:22,345
[softly] Yeah.
Zooba zooba. Thanks.
520
00:20:22,428 --> 00:20:25,011
I'm Wolf Blitzer,
and I really come to life
521
00:20:25,095 --> 00:20:27,011
on a cruise-ship dance floor.
522
00:20:27,095 --> 00:20:28,303
Newly separated Lara Trump
523
00:20:28,387 --> 00:20:30,387
has been seen out
with divorce hobbyist
524
00:20:30,470 --> 00:20:33,220
and rapidly purpling
former mayor Rudy Giuliani.
525
00:20:33,303 --> 00:20:35,762
The pair were spotted
exiting a romantic dinner
526
00:20:35,845 --> 00:20:39,387
at Jackie Marinara's Venetian
Clamhouse and Soggy Cigar Bar.
527
00:20:39,470 --> 00:20:41,595
Well, we'll see where
the night takes us,
528
00:20:41,679 --> 00:20:44,136
but luckily I got a cousin who
lives about six blocks away,
529
00:20:44,220 --> 00:20:46,512
so either way,
I'm going to bed sweaty.
530
00:20:46,595 --> 00:20:48,845
♪ somber music continues ♪
531
00:20:48,929 --> 00:20:53,303
♪♪♪
532
00:20:53,387 --> 00:20:56,720
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph Stalin!
What happened to you, Elizabeth?
533
00:20:56,804 --> 00:20:58,845
I had half a beer.
Why are you here?
534
00:20:58,929 --> 00:21:00,762
Trying to swipe one
of the loaner jackets
535
00:21:00,845 --> 00:21:02,178
for the next debate?
536
00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:04,095
I'm organizing
the line cooks
537
00:21:04,178 --> 00:21:06,011
to start a lefty podcast.
538
00:21:06,095 --> 00:21:07,345
They're going to be
insufferable!
539
00:21:07,428 --> 00:21:10,512
How do I fix this, Bernie?
Everyone thinks I'm a bully.
540
00:21:10,595 --> 00:21:12,345
Being tough on
the billionaire class,
541
00:21:12,428 --> 00:21:14,261
no matter how weak-chinned
they are,
542
00:21:14,345 --> 00:21:16,011
might make you
feel like a bully,
543
00:21:16,095 --> 00:21:17,679
but they're
the real bullies.
544
00:21:17,762 --> 00:21:20,637
Liz, it's called integrity,
and it needs to be in your heart
545
00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:23,553
just like I got
three pig valves in mine.
546
00:21:23,637 --> 00:21:26,220
But how do I get the American
people to care about the truth?
547
00:21:26,303 --> 00:21:28,261
Oof!
That could be a slog.
548
00:21:28,345 --> 00:21:30,053
If everyone's like
those line cooks,
549
00:21:30,136 --> 00:21:32,595
they are too exhausted from work
to even acknowledge
550
00:21:32,679 --> 00:21:36,887
a repeated tap on the shoulder
and a thunderous throat clear.
551
00:21:36,970 --> 00:21:40,387
That's right!
People are exhausted!
552
00:21:40,470 --> 00:21:42,261
Mind if I take home some of
these tomatoes you didn't eat?
553
00:21:42,345 --> 00:21:46,053
I carry a reusable to-go bag
at all times.
554
00:21:46,136 --> 00:21:48,136
♪ sad music plays ♪
555
00:21:48,220 --> 00:21:50,303
Zooba zooba...
556
00:21:50,387 --> 00:21:52,136
[Melania]
[sighs] There you are.
557
00:21:52,220 --> 00:21:54,261
Tilapia?!
Why are you here?
558
00:21:54,345 --> 00:21:55,679
I've got a Be Best event
559
00:21:55,762 --> 00:21:58,011
with that strange
longman Zuckerberg,
560
00:21:58,095 --> 00:22:00,053
and I need Gummy
to distract everyone
561
00:22:00,136 --> 00:22:01,762
when I bang out
after 40 seconds.
562
00:22:01,845 --> 00:22:03,220
Interested?
Nah.
563
00:22:03,303 --> 00:22:05,970
I'm sort of having
a personality crisis
564
00:22:06,053 --> 00:22:07,679
at the moment.
I know how you feel.
565
00:22:07,762 --> 00:22:10,887
Your dad has a way of turning us
all into dancing monsters.
566
00:22:10,970 --> 00:22:12,470
But what can I do?
567
00:22:12,553 --> 00:22:16,261
If I'm not Gummy, I'm the
least popular Trump child.
568
00:22:16,345 --> 00:22:18,637
If I am, Lara doesn't
want to be with me.
569
00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:20,845
Yah, that's kind of
the sweet spot.
570
00:22:20,929 --> 00:22:22,470
If you're too out there,
571
00:22:22,553 --> 00:22:26,178
Donald notices you exist
and tries talking to you.
572
00:22:26,261 --> 00:22:28,595
Just do what I do --
one event a year,
573
00:22:28,679 --> 00:22:31,178
then it's back to cutting up
Brillo pads to hide in his food.
574
00:22:31,261 --> 00:22:32,512
You're right!
I don't need to be
575
00:22:32,595 --> 00:22:35,303
the most beloved entertainer
of our time.
576
00:22:35,387 --> 00:22:38,470
I just need the love
of my scary wife.
577
00:22:38,553 --> 00:22:42,762
Monopoly, get the clippers.
We have work to do!
578
00:22:42,845 --> 00:22:44,053
[buzzing]
579
00:22:44,136 --> 00:22:46,637
Why must most days end
with me shaving a Trump?
580
00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:48,470
[lock clicks]
[Warren] Professor.
581
00:22:48,553 --> 00:22:51,720
Am I, uh, too late
for office hours?
582
00:22:51,804 --> 00:22:54,136
I thought you dropped
Professor Mann's class.
583
00:22:54,220 --> 00:22:55,470
It's too late
in the semester,
584
00:22:55,553 --> 00:22:57,136
and I can't graduate
without you.
585
00:22:57,220 --> 00:22:58,470
I mean,
your -- your class.
586
00:22:58,553 --> 00:23:00,553
I'm sure you can find
a pass-fail seminar
587
00:23:00,637 --> 00:23:02,470
that's not too late
to add to your course load.
588
00:23:02,553 --> 00:23:04,345
But I want your rigorous,
589
00:23:04,428 --> 00:23:08,011
extremely unforgiving
grading curve.
590
00:23:08,095 --> 00:23:09,887
Oh, Elizabeth,
you know how to tickle
591
00:23:09,970 --> 00:23:12,553
the tweed elbow patches
of my heart.
592
00:23:12,637 --> 00:23:15,345
I don't actually have a
generous grading curve, do I?
593
00:23:15,428 --> 00:23:17,178
C'mon!
The fight was over!
594
00:23:17,261 --> 00:23:19,095
Why do you always
have to do this?
595
00:23:19,178 --> 00:23:20,512
♪ bright music plays ♪
596
00:23:20,595 --> 00:23:22,845
Bullying is a scourge
on America --
597
00:23:22,929 --> 00:23:24,887
whether it's not asking
before letting Jon Voight
598
00:23:24,970 --> 00:23:28,220
use our shower, or changing
the channel to Fox Business
599
00:23:28,303 --> 00:23:31,470
while I'm trying to watch
Fat Bitch Boot Camp in peace.
600
00:23:31,553 --> 00:23:34,178
[applause]
With me is a special boy
601
00:23:34,261 --> 00:23:36,095
who has experienced bullying.
602
00:23:36,178 --> 00:23:38,095
Mark, go ahead, sweetie.
603
00:23:38,178 --> 00:23:40,136
I started Facebook
to end the Iraq War --
604
00:23:40,220 --> 00:23:41,387
don't look that up.
605
00:23:41,470 --> 00:23:43,720
And, sure, my website
may have sparked
606
00:23:43,804 --> 00:23:46,303
sectarian bloodshed
in a dozen nations,
607
00:23:46,387 --> 00:23:49,011
but no tech billionaires
should have to go through
608
00:23:49,095 --> 00:23:50,387
the torment of Elizabeth Warren
609
00:23:50,470 --> 00:23:51,887
nervously asking you
to do better.
610
00:23:51,970 --> 00:23:55,136
That's great. My PR team says
I have fulfilled my obligations.
611
00:23:55,220 --> 00:23:57,387
And now
a very special guest.
612
00:23:57,470 --> 00:23:59,428
[rock music playing,
crowd cheering]
613
00:23:59,512 --> 00:24:01,595
[Eric]
Ladies and gentlemen!
614
00:24:01,679 --> 00:24:04,011
Gummy died!
[crowd gasps]
615
00:24:04,095 --> 00:24:06,929
Instead, please welcome
616
00:24:07,011 --> 00:24:09,679
Errrrrriiiiiic!
617
00:24:09,762 --> 00:24:12,053
-[man] What?!
-[woman] You promised Gummy!
618
00:24:12,136 --> 00:24:15,679
Lara, baby! I'm so sorry!
619
00:24:15,762 --> 00:24:17,220
[man] Who are you
talking to?
620
00:24:17,303 --> 00:24:19,970
Lara? I thought
Lara would be here.
621
00:24:20,053 --> 00:24:21,387
She's usually hanging out
622
00:24:21,470 --> 00:24:23,595
wherever a majority
of my family is.
623
00:24:23,679 --> 00:24:25,970
[cellphone ringing]
Hello?
624
00:24:26,053 --> 00:24:27,929
-Eric, it's me!
-It's Lara!
625
00:24:28,011 --> 00:24:29,095
[man] Oh. Okay.
626
00:24:29,178 --> 00:24:30,845
I'm sorry I acted like
627
00:24:30,929 --> 00:24:33,095
a huge, dumb, entitled jerk.
628
00:24:33,178 --> 00:24:35,095
I lost sight of who I am --
629
00:24:35,178 --> 00:24:37,428
a rich failure
with a smokin' wife
630
00:24:37,512 --> 00:24:39,929
whose family prefers him
out of sight.
631
00:24:40,011 --> 00:24:41,470
Will you take me back?
632
00:24:41,553 --> 00:24:44,553
Oh, Eric. Whatever it was
that I saw in you,
633
00:24:44,637 --> 00:24:47,553
and no one will ever figure it
out, I see it again.
634
00:24:47,637 --> 00:24:49,553
I'm on Judge Jeanine tonight
calling for the outlaw
635
00:24:49,637 --> 00:24:52,053
of dreadlocks
if you want to watch.
636
00:24:52,136 --> 00:24:53,261
Will do, babe!
637
00:24:53,345 --> 00:24:55,428
I did it!
I got her back!
638
00:24:55,512 --> 00:24:57,720
[crowd cheering,
rock music playing]
639
00:24:57,804 --> 00:24:58,637
[Warren] Wait!
640
00:24:58,720 --> 00:25:00,303
[crowd gasps]
[woman] It's the bully!
641
00:25:00,387 --> 00:25:02,303
I know --
when you see Elizabeth Warren,
642
00:25:02,387 --> 00:25:05,553
you see a big scary goon,
but hear me out! Bruce?
643
00:25:05,637 --> 00:25:07,387
[rumbling]
644
00:25:07,470 --> 00:25:09,428
Mayor Pete, when you see
a news story,
645
00:25:09,512 --> 00:25:11,387
how do you know
it's not fake?
646
00:25:11,470 --> 00:25:14,053
After I read the news --
in Farsi I might add --
647
00:25:14,136 --> 00:25:16,011
I usually spend hours
cross-checking
648
00:25:16,095 --> 00:25:17,387
with primary sources.
649
00:25:17,470 --> 00:25:18,929
It takes while, but
what else am I gonna do --
650
00:25:19,011 --> 00:25:21,470
fix my city's rampant
law-enforcement problems?
651
00:25:21,553 --> 00:25:23,136
Heh. Yeah, right.
[Warren] See?
652
00:25:23,220 --> 00:25:25,136
Everyday people
don't have
653
00:25:25,220 --> 00:25:27,637
the time or energy
to verify facts!
654
00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:30,470
They're not whatever
Pete Buttigieg is.
655
00:25:30,553 --> 00:25:32,804
Facebook's algorithm
confuses reality so people
656
00:25:32,887 --> 00:25:36,011
can't tell the difference
between the New York Times
657
00:25:36,095 --> 00:25:37,929
and Race War News
Dot Albania!
658
00:25:38,011 --> 00:25:40,637
Making people sort through
all that flimflam
659
00:25:40,720 --> 00:25:43,470
to find the truth
is the worst bullying of all!
660
00:25:43,553 --> 00:25:45,804
[crowd chanting]
Facebook sucks! Facebook sucks!
661
00:25:45,887 --> 00:25:47,720
Well, I gotta
head home and clean
662
00:25:47,804 --> 00:25:49,303
the fresh craps
out of my smoker.
663
00:25:49,387 --> 00:25:50,637
We're not done yet, Zuck.
664
00:25:50,720 --> 00:25:53,136
You're gonna sign this
non-binding pledge
665
00:25:53,220 --> 00:25:55,387
saying that you will
tweak internal policies.
666
00:25:55,470 --> 00:25:58,303
I'm calling it the
Accountable Facebook Agreement.
667
00:25:58,387 --> 00:26:00,428
And, once again,
it is non-binding!
668
00:26:00,512 --> 00:26:02,303
[crowd chanting]
Sign it! Sign it!
669
00:26:02,387 --> 00:26:04,679
-I accept your terms.
-Excelsior!
670
00:26:04,762 --> 00:26:08,595
Now, Bruce, take this thing
back to South Bend!
671
00:26:08,679 --> 00:26:10,303
[Buttigieg] I think
I'm really getting the hang
672
00:26:10,387 --> 00:26:12,553
of this whole
"regular guy" thing.
673
00:26:12,637 --> 00:26:14,595
♪ sweet music plays ♪
674
00:26:14,679 --> 00:26:18,136
Well, Eric, you might not be a
good campaign media surrogate,
675
00:26:18,220 --> 00:26:19,345
but at least you're not
676
00:26:19,428 --> 00:26:21,470
a campaign media
surrogate anymore.
677
00:26:21,553 --> 00:26:23,428
And I'm proud of you,
sweetheart,
678
00:26:23,512 --> 00:26:25,011
for giving up any sense
of self-worth
679
00:26:25,095 --> 00:26:28,553
because it put a little too
much strain on our relationship.
680
00:26:28,637 --> 00:26:31,470
I had my fun, but this family
doesn't have room
681
00:26:31,553 --> 00:26:33,512
for another
megalomaniacal messiah.
682
00:26:33,595 --> 00:26:35,553
You've earned my trust
and, with it,
683
00:26:35,637 --> 00:26:38,053
the right to marry
my daughter Lara!
684
00:26:38,136 --> 00:26:40,011
Welcome to
the family, son.
685
00:26:40,095 --> 00:26:43,053
[tearfully] You're the warm,
emotionally available father
686
00:26:43,136 --> 00:26:44,387
I never had!
687
00:26:44,470 --> 00:26:46,303
Let's head out
onto the patio
688
00:26:46,387 --> 00:26:48,720
and crack open
a box of Sudafed.
689
00:26:48,804 --> 00:26:50,553
♪ upbeat music plays ♪
690
00:26:50,637 --> 00:26:52,679
Ah, it's good to be out
of that leather jacket
691
00:26:52,762 --> 00:26:55,512
and back into my
TJ Maxx librarian scrubs.
692
00:26:55,595 --> 00:26:59,053
Brucie, from now on,
I promise I'll only bully you
693
00:26:59,136 --> 00:27:00,720
on Scrabble Tuesdays.
694
00:27:00,804 --> 00:27:03,053
If a word's not a word,
I'm gonna hear about it.
695
00:27:03,136 --> 00:27:04,887
[Buttigieg]
And worst part of all of it...
696
00:27:04,970 --> 00:27:08,136
they called me
"Lizzy the Loser."
697
00:27:08,220 --> 00:27:10,970
See you in 2024,
you freak bitch.
698
00:27:11,053 --> 00:27:12,428
['80s-style pop music plays]
699
00:27:12,512 --> 00:27:15,220
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
700
00:27:15,303 --> 00:27:18,720
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
701
00:27:18,804 --> 00:27:21,261
♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪
702
00:27:21,345 --> 00:27:22,929
♪ Yes, he is ♪
703
00:27:23,011 --> 00:27:25,762
♪ Yes, he is,
we elected him president ♪
704
00:27:25,845 --> 00:27:28,512
♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪
705
00:27:28,595 --> 00:27:30,220
♪ Yes, he is ♪
706
00:27:30,303 --> 00:27:32,845
♪ We had a vote
and elected him president ♪
707
00:27:32,929 --> 00:27:38,470
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
708
00:27:40,178 --> 00:27:41,762
♪ Donald Trump ♪
709
00:27:41,845 --> 00:27:45,345
♪ He is our president ♪
710
00:27:45,428 --> 00:27:48,720
♪ We made him president ♪
711
00:27:48,804 --> 00:27:50,929
♪ We did it ♪
712
00:27:51,011 --> 00:27:54,929
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
713
00:27:55,011 --> 00:27:57,929
♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪
714
00:27:58,011 --> 00:28:01,553
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
715
00:28:01,637 --> 00:28:05,303
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
716
00:28:05,387 --> 00:28:09,136
♪ Yeah ♪
717
00:28:09,220 --> 00:28:10,970
Trump!
55559
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