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1
00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:03,959
Alexa, please order a
boy's sneaker size 10.
2
00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:05,289
Air Max 95.
3
00:00:05,290 --> 00:00:06,881
- Thanks, girl!
- Okay.
4
00:00:06,882 --> 00:00:08,879
No. Stop. Don't do that.
5
00:00:08,880 --> 00:00:10,699
What do you mean?
I'm talking to my robot
6
00:00:10,700 --> 00:00:11,979
about a gift for Asher.
7
00:00:11,980 --> 00:00:13,799
And a gift for me. Uh, hey, babe.
8
00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:15,429
Dave here again.
9
00:00:15,430 --> 00:00:19,310
Could you maybe order a
men's size 11 Air Max 95?
10
00:00:19,311 --> 00:00:21,689
And get yourself something
nice, too. Thanks, girl!
11
00:00:21,690 --> 00:00:23,620
Come on, Dave.
12
00:00:23,630 --> 00:00:25,779
We have to wait until his
birthday to get new shoes.
13
00:00:25,780 --> 00:00:27,909
Hey, I want some Air Maxes, too.
14
00:00:27,910 --> 00:00:29,279
Uh, Alexa.
15
00:00:29,280 --> 00:00:30,960
Left foot, size 11.
16
00:00:30,970 --> 00:00:32,783
Right foot, size 9 1/2.
17
00:00:34,530 --> 00:00:36,299
Can you imagine what it
was like in the olden times
18
00:00:36,300 --> 00:00:37,799
when you had to actually click a button
19
00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:39,459
and use your finger to buy stuff online
20
00:00:39,460 --> 00:00:41,041
and everyone had polio?
21
00:00:42,167 --> 00:00:45,929
You know, Sid Eisner thought
that she had polio.
22
00:00:45,930 --> 00:00:49,669
Turns out her leg fell
asleep at a sample sale.
23
00:00:49,670 --> 00:00:51,599
- Oh.
- Hello.
24
00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:53,999
Speaking of sample sales...
25
00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:56,014
- Happy Friday Gifts!
- Happy Friday Gifts!
26
00:00:56,015 --> 00:00:57,839
Happy Friday Gifts!
27
00:00:57,840 --> 00:00:59,267
[LAUGHS]
28
00:00:59,268 --> 00:01:01,319
Yay! We loved our Thursday gifts,
29
00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:03,020
but these are even better.
30
00:01:04,140 --> 00:01:06,179
Guys, thank you so much,
31
00:01:06,180 --> 00:01:08,489
but the constant gifts have to stop.
32
00:01:08,490 --> 00:01:10,459
Oh, what's wrong with constant gifts?
33
00:01:10,460 --> 00:01:11,719
Yeah, especially Friday gifts.
34
00:01:11,720 --> 00:01:13,740
Such a nice way to
roll into the weekend.
35
00:01:13,741 --> 00:01:18,161
Gifts are great, but, uh,
you're gonna spoil them.
36
00:01:18,162 --> 00:01:20,999
Oh, all right. If that's
what makes you happy,
37
00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:23,669
not giving gifts will be our new gift.
38
00:01:23,670 --> 00:01:24,969
Look at us.
39
00:01:24,970 --> 00:01:26,460
When we don't give, we give.
40
00:01:26,470 --> 00:01:28,588
That's how good we are.
41
00:01:28,589 --> 00:01:30,669
- Guys.
- Kids, come eat.
42
00:01:30,670 --> 00:01:33,099
I'm gonna start dinner with wine
43
00:01:33,100 --> 00:01:36,012
and probably finish with it, too.
44
00:01:36,013 --> 00:01:37,749
What's the matter?
Did you have a bad day?
45
00:01:37,750 --> 00:01:39,725
Did one of those dogs
attack you at work?
46
00:01:40,840 --> 00:01:43,060
No, that's never happened.
47
00:01:43,062 --> 00:01:45,659
Thank you for always asking.
48
00:01:45,660 --> 00:01:47,359
I just like to be heavily buzzed
49
00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:48,733
- when I'm here.
- Ah.
50
00:01:48,734 --> 00:01:50,259
Me, too.
51
00:01:50,260 --> 00:01:52,109
Apple, tree.
52
00:01:52,110 --> 00:01:53,439
Oh!
53
00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:56,099
- My tooth!
- It's getting looser.
54
00:01:56,100 --> 00:01:58,285
He woke up with his first
loose tooth today.
55
00:01:58,286 --> 00:02:00,630
The Tooth Fairy's coming so soon.
56
00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:02,109
We're getting excited.
57
00:02:02,110 --> 00:02:05,139
You know, there's only one
way to get that tooth out.
58
00:02:05,140 --> 00:02:06,793
- Dad.
- Oh, yeah.
59
00:02:06,794 --> 00:02:08,049
Dad. Please, Dad.
60
00:02:08,050 --> 00:02:09,449
- You got to give it a little wiggle.
- Dad.
61
00:02:09,450 --> 00:02:12,256
Do not do what you did to us, Dad.
62
00:02:12,257 --> 00:02:15,049
- Aah!
- Oh, my God!
63
00:02:15,050 --> 00:02:17,369
? ?
64
00:02:17,370 --> 00:02:20,056
65
00:02:20,057 --> 00:02:21,558
DAVID: Joanna.
66
00:02:22,460 --> 00:02:23,749
I think you're taking advantage
67
00:02:23,750 --> 00:02:25,478
of having a contractor for a brother.
68
00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:27,313
The electricity wasn't working.
69
00:02:27,314 --> 00:02:29,273
It's a lightbulb. It's a
basic wrist movement.
70
00:02:29,274 --> 00:02:32,068
Oh, David, stop teasing your sister.
71
00:02:32,069 --> 00:02:33,239
Some people aren't handy
72
00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,739
and can use a little lipstick.
73
00:02:35,740 --> 00:02:38,479
Mom, my lipstick application is fine.
74
00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:39,659
It's fine...
75
00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:42,495
if you want to be single
for the rest of your life.
76
00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:44,649
Well, I'm not going to be
77
00:02:44,650 --> 00:02:47,458
because I'm going on a
date tonight with Audrey,
78
00:02:47,459 --> 00:02:49,460
who thinks I'm amazing.
79
00:02:49,461 --> 00:02:51,789
So I take it you two have never met.
80
00:02:51,790 --> 00:02:54,090
She also thinks I have kids.
81
00:02:54,091 --> 00:02:55,819
Now, what gave her that idea?
82
00:02:55,820 --> 00:02:58,339
The stains on your shirt or those...
83
00:02:58,340 --> 00:03:00,264
earth shoes?
84
00:03:00,270 --> 00:03:02,539
No, no.
85
00:03:02,540 --> 00:03:04,879
On our first date,
I said something about
86
00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:06,699
taking my baby to the
park to run around,
87
00:03:06,700 --> 00:03:09,460
and she just assumed I meant humans.
88
00:03:09,470 --> 00:03:12,108
It was offensive.
89
00:03:12,109 --> 00:03:13,527
But you didn't correct her?
90
00:03:13,528 --> 00:03:16,039
Well, no, because she's so cool
91
00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:18,448
and smells like honey.
Is that really bad?
92
00:03:18,449 --> 00:03:21,743
I mean, yeah, it's a full-on lie.
93
00:03:21,744 --> 00:03:25,179
No, no. It's fine. It's just a fib.
94
00:03:25,180 --> 00:03:27,239
A fib-let. Everybody fibs.
95
00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:29,129
Don't listen to the informant over here.
96
00:03:29,130 --> 00:03:30,836
It's a full lie.
97
00:03:32,330 --> 00:03:34,229
When I first met your father,
98
00:03:34,230 --> 00:03:37,199
I told him that I had just
broken up with my fianc�,
99
00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:38,279
and I was a dentist
100
00:03:38,280 --> 00:03:41,599
because I wanted to seem
desirable and educated.
101
00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:44,307
I mean, who doesn't like a dentist?
102
00:03:44,308 --> 00:03:46,309
What are we talking about here?
103
00:03:46,310 --> 00:03:48,819
I'm just saying that sometimes
fibbing can work out.
104
00:03:48,820 --> 00:03:50,439
I mean, look at me and Daddy.
105
00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:52,639
Our love was born from a fib.
106
00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:55,569
I don't know. Audrey
really values honesty.
107
00:03:55,570 --> 00:03:57,099
I feel like if I tell her the truth,
108
00:03:57,100 --> 00:03:58,610
she's gonna break up with me.
109
00:03:58,614 --> 00:04:00,879
I mean, she should probably
think about it, right?
110
00:04:00,880 --> 00:04:01,949
- David!
- You're lying.
111
00:04:01,950 --> 00:04:04,035
We get it.
112
00:04:04,036 --> 00:04:05,759
Anyway, I got to scoot.
113
00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:07,839
Rebecca and I are the
Tooth Fairy tonight,
114
00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:09,080
and I want to get into character.
115
00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:10,669
I'm gonna go as a fairy
116
00:04:10,670 --> 00:04:11,999
who knows how to treat everybody else,
117
00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:13,629
but isn't quite sure
how to treat himself.
118
00:04:13,630 --> 00:04:16,540
Oh, that's so sweet.
119
00:04:16,550 --> 00:04:17,659
It's so nice.
120
00:04:17,660 --> 00:04:19,300
My son is a tooth fairy,
121
00:04:19,301 --> 00:04:23,299
and my daughter found someone
special enough to fib to.
122
00:04:23,300 --> 00:04:24,929
- I'm so proud.
- Yeah?
123
00:04:24,930 --> 00:04:31,359
? ?
124
00:04:31,360 --> 00:04:33,620
You think we really needed to dress up?
125
00:04:36,235 --> 00:04:37,359
Of course we did.
126
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:38,369
A whole costume?
127
00:04:38,370 --> 00:04:40,399
I mean, our son's not even
gonna see it. He's asleep.
128
00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:41,749
But we're not.
129
00:04:41,750 --> 00:04:44,749
Besides, I've had this Halloween
costume from 10 years ago,
130
00:04:44,750 --> 00:04:46,940
and now it gets a second use.
131
00:04:46,950 --> 00:04:48,247
I feel good.
132
00:04:49,150 --> 00:04:51,667
Okay. Got the dollar ready.
133
00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:55,279
Are you insane?
134
00:04:55,280 --> 00:04:57,460
One dollar? You got to give him a 20.
135
00:04:57,464 --> 00:05:00,089
What? No. That's ridiculous.
136
00:05:00,090 --> 00:05:01,679
What do you mean, "ridiculous"?
It's perfectly fine.
137
00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:03,469
That's what my parents gave
to me when I was a kid.
138
00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:04,859
Yeah, of course they did.
139
00:05:04,860 --> 00:05:06,820
That's why they're broke
and living down the hall.
140
00:05:07,790 --> 00:05:09,659
Asher is getting one dollar.
141
00:05:09,660 --> 00:05:10,929
We're not spoiling him.
142
00:05:10,930 --> 00:05:14,439
Fine, but you're being
too logical, Rebecca.
143
00:05:14,440 --> 00:05:17,693
We're supposed to be fairies,
and fairies aren't logical.
144
00:05:17,694 --> 00:05:19,559
Fairies are whimsical.
145
00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:25,259
? ?
146
00:05:25,260 --> 00:05:26,819
So I'm looking for a new job,
147
00:05:26,820 --> 00:05:28,359
and I told the guy that I
interviewed with today
148
00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:30,204
that I need flexible hours.
149
00:05:30,205 --> 00:05:31,665
I'm a mom. You get it.
150
00:05:31,666 --> 00:05:35,199
Yeah, I get it because
I'm definitely a mom, also,
151
00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:36,789
as you know.
152
00:05:36,790 --> 00:05:40,006
So, um, what do your kids
do while you're at work?
153
00:05:40,007 --> 00:05:44,359
Um. Sometimes I bring them to
work with me to groom them
154
00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:46,120
because if I don't,
they'll chew on my shoes.
155
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:49,932
- Because they're dogs.
- What?
156
00:05:49,933 --> 00:05:52,018
I don't have kids.
157
00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:53,609
I...
158
00:05:53,610 --> 00:05:55,239
It was just a misunderstanding
on our first date,
159
00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:57,139
and I just went with it.
160
00:05:57,140 --> 00:05:58,482
I'm so sorry.
161
00:05:58,483 --> 00:06:02,321
So that's why you said they rub
their butts on the carpet.
162
00:06:02,322 --> 00:06:03,919
Yeah.
163
00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:05,782
You're gonna break up
with me, aren't you?
164
00:06:05,783 --> 00:06:07,039
No, no.
165
00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:09,329
I actually think it's sweet that
you went to so much trouble
166
00:06:09,330 --> 00:06:10,559
just to impress me.
167
00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:12,299
Yeah. Focus on that.
168
00:06:12,300 --> 00:06:14,249
Don't focus on the web of lies.
169
00:06:14,250 --> 00:06:15,899
But the only problem is,
170
00:06:15,900 --> 00:06:17,759
I don't know when we're gonna
be able to hang out again.
171
00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:19,369
Every weekend, I have my kids.
172
00:06:19,370 --> 00:06:22,254
Oh, no. It's fine because
I have kids in my life, too.
173
00:06:22,255 --> 00:06:24,634
I mean, not my own, but I
have a niece and nephew.
174
00:06:24,635 --> 00:06:26,215
I'm with them all the time on weekends.
175
00:06:26,216 --> 00:06:28,763
Well, then, maybe we can
get the kids together.
176
00:06:28,764 --> 00:06:31,339
Unless that's like moving too fast?
177
00:06:31,340 --> 00:06:34,889
No, let's move very fast,
like right now in the car.
178
00:06:34,890 --> 00:06:36,060
Oh.
179
00:06:38,310 --> 00:06:40,359
? ?
180
00:06:41,100 --> 00:06:42,300
Ow.
181
00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:44,850
I stepped on a Lego!
182
00:06:45,550 --> 00:06:46,599
I need surgery!
183
00:06:46,600 --> 00:06:49,599
- I have to go to the hospital right now!
- Dave, stop, you're fine.
184
00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:52,079
- Shh! Shh!
- To the fire! To the fire, we go!
185
00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:53,319
- Shut that thing off!
- Uh-oh!
186
00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:55,139
- No survivors!
- No survivors?
187
00:06:55,140 --> 00:06:56,899
- To the fire! To the fire, we go!
- No survivors?
188
00:06:56,900 --> 00:07:00,294
- Uh-oh! No survivors!
- Shh.
189
00:07:00,295 --> 00:07:02,319
Do not jeopardize this mission.
190
00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:05,174
If Asher wakes up, he'll
lose his childlike wonder.
191
00:07:05,175 --> 00:07:07,259
Now let's make it rain on our son.
192
00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:10,972
? ?
193
00:07:10,973 --> 00:07:12,499
He's never slept this late.
194
00:07:12,500 --> 00:07:14,079
Yeah, he probably found the dollar
195
00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:16,519
and is in there trying to
figure out what it is.
196
00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:18,814
- ASHER: Mom, Dad?!
- Ooh, he's up!
197
00:07:18,815 --> 00:07:20,898
Act like we're sleeping.
198
00:07:20,899 --> 00:07:24,360
The Tooth Fairy gave me $101!
199
00:07:24,361 --> 00:07:25,612
- What?!
- What?!
200
00:07:25,630 --> 00:07:28,649
The Tooth Fairy gave me $101!
201
00:07:28,650 --> 00:07:29,689
Well, $100.
202
00:07:29,690 --> 00:07:31,360
What do I need this dollar for?
203
00:07:33,140 --> 00:07:34,699
What the hell did you do?!
204
00:07:34,700 --> 00:07:36,415
Did you think it was
a dollar in the dark?
205
00:07:36,416 --> 00:07:38,559
Me? What? Who carries
a hundred-dollar bill
206
00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:40,293
besides a high-class cokehead?
207
00:07:40,294 --> 00:07:41,540
[CHUCKLES]
208
00:07:41,550 --> 00:07:43,421
I have one guess.
209
00:07:43,422 --> 00:07:46,215
The Tooth Fairy's real.
210
00:07:46,216 --> 00:07:48,300
No! It's clearly your parents!
211
00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:52,471
? ?
212
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:55,639
I cannot believe you gave Asher $100.
213
00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:56,819
Oh, it wasn't us.
214
00:07:56,820 --> 00:07:59,062
It was the Tooth Fairy.
215
00:08:00,022 --> 00:08:01,889
There was only a dollar under there.
216
00:08:01,890 --> 00:08:03,800
Did you think it was a 20 in the dark?
217
00:08:05,060 --> 00:08:06,400
Why would you do that, Dad?
218
00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:08,487
He's happy. What's the big deal?
219
00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:09,947
You don't have the money to do this.
220
00:08:09,948 --> 00:08:12,826
Oh, we always have money for
our gorgeous grandchildren.
221
00:08:12,827 --> 00:08:15,320
Yeah, David. We may be cash-poor,
222
00:08:15,330 --> 00:08:17,664
but we're tooth-rich.
223
00:08:19,180 --> 00:08:20,539
What does that even mean?
224
00:08:20,540 --> 00:08:25,359
Guys, $100 for a tooth
is way too much money.
225
00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:27,320
It sets a terrible precedent.
226
00:08:27,330 --> 00:08:30,379
But we wanted to see the
excitement in Asher's eyes
227
00:08:30,380 --> 00:08:32,261
and the smile on his face.
228
00:08:32,262 --> 00:08:34,759
You're not going to get
that with a dollar.
229
00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:36,679
Look, it's all nice,
230
00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:39,460
but it teaches them the
wrong lesson about money.
231
00:08:39,470 --> 00:08:41,840
We just had this conversation.
232
00:08:41,850 --> 00:08:43,599
I want to be able to raise my kids
233
00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:45,270
the way I was raised.
234
00:08:45,275 --> 00:08:47,519
In Tampa?
235
00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:49,959
No.
236
00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:52,073
I want my kids to value what they have,
237
00:08:52,074 --> 00:08:53,864
whether that's a little or a lot.
238
00:08:53,865 --> 00:08:56,419
I mean, they're never going to
learn the value of anything
239
00:08:56,420 --> 00:08:58,629
if gifts and money are
just thrown at them.
240
00:08:58,630 --> 00:08:59,999
Like what you did with Dave.
241
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:02,039
It's hurtful but true.
242
00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:03,460
We're their grandparents.
243
00:09:03,470 --> 00:09:05,459
- Grandparents spoil.
- Yes.
244
00:09:05,460 --> 00:09:06,959
Yeah, when you would
come over on a Saturday
245
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:09,199
and bring a treat, sure. That's fine.
246
00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:11,634
But now that you live here,
this stuff can't happen anymore.
247
00:09:11,635 --> 00:09:12,969
Oh, all right. Fine.
248
00:09:12,970 --> 00:09:14,679
It's your house, your rules.
249
00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:17,939
But us not giving our perfect
model grandchildren gifts
250
00:09:17,940 --> 00:09:21,310
is only hurting them and us and you.
251
00:09:21,311 --> 00:09:22,719
How is it hurting us?
252
00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:23,730
I don't know!
253
00:09:25,148 --> 00:09:27,484
I can't think straight
when I'm frustrated!
254
00:09:27,485 --> 00:09:28,600
It's true.
255
00:09:28,610 --> 00:09:30,419
One time, she was at the DMV,
256
00:09:30,420 --> 00:09:33,279
she told everybody she was 6'8".
257
00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:35,439
It's true. It was a horrible experience.
258
00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:38,429
I was there for three hours
with nothing to nosh on!
259
00:09:38,430 --> 00:09:41,299
Those people at the DMV
are terrible hosts!
260
00:09:41,300 --> 00:09:42,660
I'll be in my room!
261
00:09:44,501 --> 00:09:45,799
Oh, great.
262
00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:47,919
Now the only way to calm her down
263
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:49,959
would be to pour her a large sambuca,
264
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:51,939
put on Erykah Badu, and...
265
00:09:51,940 --> 00:09:53,009
see what happens.
266
00:09:53,010 --> 00:09:58,079
? ?
267
00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:00,279
Just because we buy the kids gifts
268
00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:02,849
doesn't mean that we're spoiling them.
269
00:10:02,850 --> 00:10:04,989
Oh, look at that little sweet boy.
270
00:10:04,990 --> 00:10:06,819
Hm, he's the real gift.
271
00:10:06,820 --> 00:10:08,567
He really is.
272
00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:17,533
Sweetie, honey,
don't throw out your toy.
273
00:10:17,534 --> 00:10:19,953
Then you'll have to
use your imagination.
274
00:10:22,706 --> 00:10:25,079
Yeah, what's wrong with this?
275
00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:26,520
It's old.
276
00:10:28,086 --> 00:10:33,299
Baby, I'm worried that we're
ruining our grandchildren.
277
00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:36,169
Should I cancel the trampoline?
278
00:10:36,170 --> 00:10:37,650
? ?
279
00:10:39,740 --> 00:10:44,149
? ?
280
00:10:44,150 --> 00:10:46,854
This is so exciting.
281
00:10:46,855 --> 00:10:49,449
It brings back such memories...
282
00:10:49,450 --> 00:10:51,610
from yesterday.
283
00:10:53,180 --> 00:10:55,659
To the fire! To the fire, we go!
284
00:10:55,660 --> 00:10:57,989
- Uh-oh! No survivors!
- Shh!
285
00:10:57,990 --> 00:11:00,690
- To the fire! To the f...
- Shh! Stop that!
286
00:11:00,700 --> 00:11:04,199
Jesus, who would buy
them such a loud toy?
287
00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:06,957
We did. We're the best.
288
00:11:06,958 --> 00:11:08,125
I'll grab the hundo,
289
00:11:08,126 --> 00:11:10,009
you leave the note and the dollar.
290
00:11:10,010 --> 00:11:11,200
Copy.
291
00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:23,600
? ?
292
00:11:24,390 --> 00:11:28,271
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
293
00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:37,840
What did you do?
294
00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:40,359
What did they do? They did something.
295
00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:41,860
You tell me what you did.
296
00:11:41,868 --> 00:11:43,869
We didn't do anything.
297
00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:45,287
Then why are you acting so weird?
298
00:11:45,288 --> 00:11:47,374
We're... drunk.
299
00:11:48,416 --> 00:11:50,960
The Tooth Fairy took the hundred back.
300
00:11:50,961 --> 00:11:53,580
The Tooth Fairy hates me.
301
00:11:54,798 --> 00:11:57,420
That's not true.
302
00:11:59,420 --> 00:12:01,011
You took the money back?
303
00:12:01,012 --> 00:12:02,799
The Tooth Fairy doesn't do that?
304
00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:04,839
That's against the rules of whimsy!
305
00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:09,639
I'm sorry! I thought
the note would help.
306
00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:11,260
Is that what this is?
307
00:12:12,691 --> 00:12:16,239
Because the first half is
written like a ransom note.
308
00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:19,488
And the second half is
in your handwriting.
309
00:12:19,489 --> 00:12:22,866
Well, I got tired cutting
all those little letters.
310
00:12:22,867 --> 00:12:25,739
Can you imagine being a serial killer?
311
00:12:25,740 --> 00:12:29,999
I mean, type it out.
What are you, a psycho?
312
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:33,919
Y-Yes, Mom. That's their whole thing.
313
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:37,923
I mean, you... you put lipstick
on and kissed the note.
314
00:12:37,924 --> 00:12:41,261
Yes, I did.
315
00:12:43,340 --> 00:12:46,119
"Dear Asher, sorry.
316
00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:47,509
I overpaid.
317
00:12:47,510 --> 00:12:49,599
Love, the Tooth Fairy.
318
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:52,779
P.S., you're gorgeous and look
like a baby French model.
319
00:12:52,780 --> 00:12:55,399
You have your daddy's sexy lips."
320
00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:57,539
Well, he does.
321
00:12:57,540 --> 00:12:59,350
And you are gorgeous.
322
00:13:00,270 --> 00:13:03,349
Well, thanks. Now my son thinks
the Tooth Fairy hates him.
323
00:13:03,350 --> 00:13:06,243
He's gonna be traumatized
for the rest of his life.
324
00:13:06,244 --> 00:13:08,496
Tell your parents they're on notice!
325
00:13:09,320 --> 00:13:11,619
I'm sorry, Rebecca.
326
00:13:11,620 --> 00:13:13,979
Oh, David, what can we do?
327
00:13:13,980 --> 00:13:15,836
- We can sneak in again.
- No!
328
00:13:15,837 --> 00:13:17,755
No more sneaking!
329
00:13:17,756 --> 00:13:20,479
I hate when we upset you.
330
00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:22,879
Well, then, stop doing it.
331
00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:25,596
Just let us handle the
parenting in our own home.
332
00:13:25,597 --> 00:13:26,979
Wow.
333
00:13:26,980 --> 00:13:31,099
Boy, the Tooth Fairy sure
has gotten complicated.
334
00:13:31,100 --> 00:13:32,889
I remember when it was
just putting on a hat,
335
00:13:32,890 --> 00:13:33,899
taking a couple of shots,
336
00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:36,679
and tip-toeing in with a 20.
337
00:13:36,680 --> 00:13:40,159
? ?
338
00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:43,399
Hey. So is it okay if I invite Audrey
339
00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:45,389
and her kids over for a playdate?
340
00:13:45,390 --> 00:13:47,993
I mean, no, not really.
341
00:13:47,994 --> 00:13:50,790
Joanna, our whole life
is awkward playdates.
342
00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:53,700
Why would we want to have one
with someone we don't know?
343
00:13:53,708 --> 00:13:55,709
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Because she's here.
344
00:13:55,710 --> 00:13:56,961
Because she's here.
345
00:13:58,580 --> 00:14:01,899
David, we really want to
make Asher feel better.
346
00:14:01,900 --> 00:14:03,258
What can we do to help?
347
00:14:03,259 --> 00:14:04,269
You want to help?
348
00:14:04,270 --> 00:14:05,999
You can, uh, entertain this playdate
349
00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:07,679
that Joanna just sprung on me.
350
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,431
Audrey is here with her kids.
351
00:14:09,432 --> 00:14:13,268
The mom that you fibbed
to that smells like honey?!
352
00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:15,979
Oh! I got to see and smell this.
353
00:14:15,980 --> 00:14:18,483
I have no clue what you're
talking about, but I'm in, too!
354
00:14:18,484 --> 00:14:19,659
Okay, okay, Mom.
355
00:14:19,660 --> 00:14:21,986
It would mean a lot to me if
you guys can try to be normal
356
00:14:21,987 --> 00:14:23,571
- for like an hour.
- Oh, come on.
357
00:14:23,572 --> 00:14:24,940
Joanna, you act like we don't know
358
00:14:24,950 --> 00:14:27,157
how to behave in front of people.
359
00:14:27,158 --> 00:14:28,779
We have been on this planet
360
00:14:28,780 --> 00:14:30,780
a very long time, honey.
361
00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:35,039
Oh, hello. You're at the wrong house.
362
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:37,419
We're waiting for a dumpy lesbian.
363
00:14:38,900 --> 00:14:40,139
Mom!
364
00:14:40,140 --> 00:14:41,299
What?
365
00:14:41,300 --> 00:14:43,048
This is Audrey.
366
00:14:43,049 --> 00:14:46,885
This? With the here and the there?
367
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:50,097
Very good, Joanna.
368
00:14:50,098 --> 00:14:53,209
I'm sorry. I should not
have had you come here.
369
00:14:53,210 --> 00:14:56,839
- It's okay.
- Oh, no, no! Do your thing.
370
00:14:56,840 --> 00:14:58,239
You want something to eat?
371
00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:00,939
I'll make the food.
At this short notice,
372
00:15:00,940 --> 00:15:03,528
- I can make four kinds of fish.
- Do it!
373
00:15:03,529 --> 00:15:07,099
All right, everybody's
ready for their ice cream.
374
00:15:07,100 --> 00:15:08,240
Hey, hey, guys.
375
00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:10,579
I want you to meet some
new friends of mine.
376
00:15:10,580 --> 00:15:12,327
Hey. Where are your kids?
377
00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:13,912
Oh, they drove separately.
378
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:15,331
"Drove"?
379
00:15:16,666 --> 00:15:20,335
Hey. Is there a place I can pee?
380
00:15:20,336 --> 00:15:23,539
You mean like a bathroom?
381
00:15:23,540 --> 00:15:25,259
Uh, what's happening?
382
00:15:25,260 --> 00:15:28,039
Oh, Joanna invited a playdate
over, and the mom is super hot,
383
00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:29,600
and the kids appear old enough to date.
384
00:15:31,900 --> 00:15:33,419
Hey, what's your address?
385
00:15:33,420 --> 00:15:35,768
My boyfriend's coming by.
He's an MMA fighter.
386
00:15:35,769 --> 00:15:38,354
Mnh-mnh. Not giving it to you.
387
00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:42,139
Joanna, I didn't realize your
niece and nephew were so young.
388
00:15:42,140 --> 00:15:43,599
Yeah, no, no. It's okay. It's okay.
389
00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:45,079
They still have a lot in common.
390
00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:46,939
Like she said, her
boyfriend's an MMA fighter,
391
00:15:46,940 --> 00:15:49,260
and Asher here just lost a tooth, so...
392
00:15:49,270 --> 00:15:51,029
[CHUCKLES] Blood stuff.
393
00:15:51,030 --> 00:15:54,869
The Tooth Fairy took my
money back. She hates me.
394
00:15:54,870 --> 00:15:57,299
Who cares? Tooth Fairy's not real.
395
00:15:57,300 --> 00:15:58,457
It's just your parents.
396
00:15:58,458 --> 00:15:59,876
[SQUEALS]
397
00:16:04,547 --> 00:16:06,424
The [BLEEP] was that?
398
00:16:09,450 --> 00:16:12,129
Do not curse in front of my kids.
399
00:16:12,130 --> 00:16:13,299
How are you mad at me?
400
00:16:13,300 --> 00:16:16,267
She just said that the
Tooth Fairy's not real.
401
00:16:16,268 --> 00:16:17,559
Look.
402
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:18,999
She probably shouldn't have said that,
403
00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:20,199
but I'm glad she did.
404
00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:21,897
I don't believe in lying to kids.
405
00:16:21,898 --> 00:16:23,900
Well, we do!
406
00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:26,139
It's just showing them
407
00:16:26,140 --> 00:16:27,987
that you don't respect
them as your equals.
408
00:16:27,988 --> 00:16:29,640
They're not our equals.
409
00:16:29,650 --> 00:16:32,400
That one? He's scared of macaroni.
410
00:16:33,780 --> 00:16:35,999
And that one? She can't say her "L"s.
411
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:37,280
I mean, I love you, Hazel.
412
00:16:37,288 --> 00:16:39,164
Wove you, Daddy.
413
00:16:39,165 --> 00:16:42,251
You just ruined our kids' childhood.
414
00:16:42,252 --> 00:16:43,919
Yeah, and you don't even seem sorry.
415
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:46,219
I'm not. I think we should leave.
416
00:16:46,220 --> 00:16:48,799
Honestly? Your family is a lot.
417
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:50,619
Yeah, well, I think that's a great idea.
418
00:16:50,620 --> 00:16:52,339
You know, I thought you were so cool
419
00:16:52,340 --> 00:16:53,654
with your no-BS attitude,
420
00:16:53,655 --> 00:16:56,519
but it turns out you're
just a gorgeous, stunning,
421
00:16:56,520 --> 00:17:00,144
arrogant jerk with legs for days!
422
00:17:02,270 --> 00:17:05,439
I'm sorry it took a minute,
423
00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:10,649
but one of the fish was still alive.
424
00:17:10,650 --> 00:17:12,920
? ?
425
00:17:15,180 --> 00:17:16,949
I'm just so sorry Audrey and her kids
426
00:17:16,950 --> 00:17:18,784
turned out to be such jerks.
427
00:17:18,785 --> 00:17:21,199
I thought she and I had
a real connection,
428
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:25,009
but I guess I was just connecting
with her beautiful, hot face.
429
00:17:25,010 --> 00:17:27,254
- Oh, boy.
- Don't forget the legs.
430
00:17:27,255 --> 00:17:29,579
- I can still smell her.
- DEBBIE: What a gorgeous girl.
431
00:17:29,580 --> 00:17:32,259
Her butt, too, was tight.
432
00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:35,412
I just feel so bad for Asher.
433
00:17:35,413 --> 00:17:37,479
First, the Tooth Fairy
steals money from him,
434
00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:39,599
and then he finds out
she's not even real.
435
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:42,979
You know, Rebecca, I know you
probably don't trust us right now,
436
00:17:42,980 --> 00:17:46,139
but I really think me
and Stew could fix this.
437
00:17:46,140 --> 00:17:47,859
Yeah, we have a real
way with these things.
438
00:17:47,860 --> 00:17:50,599
- Yeah.
- Hmm, you don't,
439
00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:53,599
but it can't get any worse, so why not?
440
00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:55,979
- Come on, Stew. Come on.
- All right, all right, all right.
441
00:17:55,980 --> 00:17:57,639
You know, I think it
actually can get worse,
442
00:17:57,640 --> 00:17:59,459
so we're just gonna come
and monitor the situation.
443
00:17:59,460 --> 00:18:00,660
Yeah.
444
00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:04,040
Hey, buddy. How you doing?
445
00:18:04,042 --> 00:18:05,619
Terrible.
446
00:18:05,620 --> 00:18:08,260
Aw, sweetie. Come here.
447
00:18:08,270 --> 00:18:12,219
Hey, you know when that
perfect-looking woman's daughter
448
00:18:12,220 --> 00:18:15,379
said that there was no Tooth Fairy,
449
00:18:15,380 --> 00:18:17,305
it was your parents?
450
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:20,139
Well, she was telling the truth.
451
00:18:20,140 --> 00:18:22,039
- What?
- It's all right.
452
00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:23,199
This is why we're here.
453
00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:24,729
Mom, how is this a good plan?
454
00:18:24,730 --> 00:18:31,152
Because, Asher, the Tooth
Fairy is your parents.
455
00:18:33,740 --> 00:18:37,899
For every little boy and
girl around the world.
456
00:18:37,900 --> 00:18:39,779
Yep.
457
00:18:39,780 --> 00:18:41,999
We just really love teeth,
458
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,081
and we pay kids for them. The end.
459
00:18:44,082 --> 00:18:46,460
So it's not the Tooth
Fairy that hates me,
460
00:18:46,470 --> 00:18:47,999
it's you guys?
461
00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:50,499
Oh, no. Asher, we love you.
462
00:18:50,500 --> 00:18:53,229
We love you, bud, but
the 100 was an accident,
463
00:18:53,230 --> 00:18:55,255
and we just didn't want to spoil you.
464
00:18:55,256 --> 00:18:57,595
I can't believe you're the Tooth Fairy.
465
00:18:57,596 --> 00:18:59,560
I have the best parents ever.
466
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:03,101
And the best grandparents, too.
467
00:19:04,410 --> 00:19:08,179
When you die, will I
become the Tooth Fairy?
468
00:19:08,180 --> 00:19:10,299
Uh.
469
00:19:10,300 --> 00:19:11,775
- Sure. Why not?
- Yeah.
470
00:19:11,776 --> 00:19:14,060
- Yay!
- Yay!
471
00:19:14,090 --> 00:19:17,329
- Yay!
- Yay!
472
00:19:17,330 --> 00:19:19,940
It's like we're cheering our death.
473
00:19:19,950 --> 00:19:22,199
? ?
474
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:25,019
Whelp, for all you guys did wrong,
475
00:19:25,020 --> 00:19:27,529
you were able to maintain
Asher's childlike wonder.
476
00:19:27,530 --> 00:19:31,099
I mean, you made his parents
the real Tooth Fairy.
477
00:19:31,100 --> 00:19:33,760
Honestly, to see my son
look at me that way,
478
00:19:33,770 --> 00:19:35,964
it's the best gift you could have given.
479
00:19:35,965 --> 00:19:37,599
We're the best gift givers.
480
00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:39,637
Everyone's talking about it.
481
00:19:41,010 --> 00:19:44,279
We gave Henry Hurwitz an iPad.
482
00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:47,145
The next year, his wife drops dead.
483
00:19:48,229 --> 00:19:51,983
Now he's communicating
with a woman in Oregon.
484
00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:55,719
The best gift I ever got...
485
00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:57,697
was a Chanel bathrobe.
486
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:01,784
Stay with us, Stew.
487
00:20:02,860 --> 00:20:04,669
But, Rebecca, you were right.
488
00:20:04,670 --> 00:20:08,379
Us giving the kids all those
gifts was spoiling them.
489
00:20:08,380 --> 00:20:11,260
That's right. Now that
we live in your house,
490
00:20:11,270 --> 00:20:12,878
we'll live by your rules.
491
00:20:12,879 --> 00:20:14,339
- Thank you.
- That's great.
492
00:20:14,340 --> 00:20:16,160
But the minute we move out,
493
00:20:16,170 --> 00:20:19,469
those kids are not gonna
know what hit 'em!
494
00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:24,806
? ?
495
00:20:24,807 --> 00:20:26,933
Hi, kids. We are the Tooth Fairies.
496
00:20:26,934 --> 00:20:30,189
We are a married couple who
also run a business together.
497
00:20:30,190 --> 00:20:31,606
Are there any questions?
498
00:20:33,100 --> 00:20:35,940
Your costume makes no sense.
499
00:20:35,943 --> 00:20:38,039
I feel like that's more of
a comment than a question.
500
00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:39,480
Are there any questions?
501
00:20:39,500 --> 00:20:40,864
Yeah?
502
00:20:40,865 --> 00:20:43,200
I didn't get money from my last tooth.
503
00:20:43,201 --> 00:20:45,411
Oh, we will, uh, Venmo you.
504
00:20:47,038 --> 00:20:48,913
What do you do with the teeth?
505
00:20:48,914 --> 00:20:50,779
Uh, we... we make jewelry out of them.
506
00:20:50,780 --> 00:20:51,833
Mm-hmm.
507
00:20:51,834 --> 00:20:53,210
Why aren't you wearing any?
508
00:20:53,211 --> 00:20:56,421
- Uh, we sell them at craft fairs.
- Mm.
509
00:20:56,422 --> 00:20:57,779
Which craft fairs?
510
00:20:57,780 --> 00:20:59,469
Out-of-town craft fairs.
511
00:20:59,470 --> 00:21:01,551
Stop with all the questions. Uh...
512
00:21:01,552 --> 00:21:03,513
Tell them what happens when you die.
513
00:21:03,514 --> 00:21:06,306
Um, when we die,
514
00:21:06,307 --> 00:21:08,850
- Asher will become the Tooth Fairy.
- Yeah.
515
00:21:08,851 --> 00:21:10,960
Parents die?
516
00:21:13,220 --> 00:21:15,459
- We got to go!
- Let's scram!
517
00:21:15,460 --> 00:21:18,419
? ?
518
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