All language subtitles for Down.To.Earth.2001.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

(BARKING)

Hey, there, little Becky.
Hey, Tiger.
Hi, Jimmy.

Hi, Mrs. Ross, Mr. Ross.
How are you?

Deliveries
in the back.

Excuse me?

You heard me.
Deliveries in the back.

Why do you think
I'm a messenger?

No, no, no, really.
Why do you just...

assume I'm a messenger?

Is it impossible
for me to have a friend
that lives here?

Would that be
out of the question?

To have an old college
chum that lives upstairs

that I'm comin' by
to see, just to talk
about old times?

To have a little cocoa?

Would that upset you?

What's wrong?
I can't have no cocoa?

I don't look like
I like cocoa?

What's wrong with me
just comin' here

tryin' to have some cocoa?

I'm sorry, sir.
I just, I...

Who did you come
here to see?

Nobody. Delivery
for Charles Wellington.

Deliveries in the back.

Look out! Look out!
What's up, man?

M.C.: Welcome
to amateur night
at the Apollo.

Y'all ready for a show?
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

MAN:
♪ There's no way

♪ We're part of the same place

(AUDIENCE BOOING)

♪ We're part
of the same time

♪ We both have the same blood

(BOOING CONTINUES)
WOMAN: Please stop!

♪ We both have the same mind

♪ And time and time

♪ We've had so much to share
(BOOING LOUDENS)

♪ No, no, no, no

♪ I'm not wakin' up
tomorrow mornin'

♪ And findin' that
there's nobody there

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

♪ No, no, no, no way

♪ No, no, no, no way

♪ And you and you and you

♪ You're gonna love me

♪ Oh, yes, you are ♪

PHIL: Thank you.

Peace.

I'm outta here.

M.C.: Let's hear it,
Apollo, for Phil Quon.

LANCE: Congratulations,
you killed.
Thanks, Booey.

M.C.: Phil Quon.
Show your love, y'all.

They're not gonna
boo me off, right? What?

Hey, did I say that?

I mean, come on,
anything could happen.

Yeah, anything
could happen, like,

they invent a new
boo that's silent.

(CHEERING)

What?

Huh? What? What are
you looking at?

LANCE: This girl I met
at the Shark Bar last night.
I told her to come down.

Damn, she's skinny.
Until y'all have sex,
she just might start a fire.

M.C.: All right, our next
act is coming to the stage.
He's a comedian.

How about a hand
for Mr. Lance Barton?

(STAMMERS)
Hey, what is that?
What's with the hat?

What, you don't
like the hat?

You look like you're
gonna tie somebody

to the railroad tracks.

Whitney, I need style.

Nobody wants to see
Lance Barton,

bike messenger
from Bed-Stuy.

People want to see
Lance Barton, comedian.

What people?
Lance Barton people.

M.C.: Lance Barton, everybody.

Come on.

No boos.
No boos.

Here comes, Booey.
Let's get ready.

M.C.: Lance Barton,
everybody.

Don't touch me, man.

Hey, what's up, Apollo?

MAN: Where'd you get
that hat, man?

(SCATTERED SHOUTING)

Yeah. Yeah, all right.

So, uh...
(AUDIENCE MURMURING)

How come every time

a airplane crash,

all they can ever find
is the black box?

Why don't they just
make the whole plane
out of the black box?

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

Yeah.

I got roaches.
Who here got roaches?

MAN: Everybody got roaches,
man. It's Harlem.

Yeah. Yeah,
everybody got roaches.

Yeah, man.

I got some roaches
in my house, man.

Roaches so big,

one roach got drafted
in the second round.

MAN: Get your ass
offstage, Booey.
That shit ain't funny.

(AUDIENCE BOOING)
Yeah.

MAN: Hey, you suck!

(BOOING CONTINUES)

Come on.
Hold it together.

(GARGLING)

I know this girl so ugly,
she had to wear makeup
on the radio.

(BOOING LOUDENS)

BOTH: Boo!

(BOOING CONTINUES)

(ALL BY MYSELF PLAYING)

No!

Ow! Ow!
Hey, please!

LANCE: Wait!

WHITNEY: You out there
with a new hat.
You need a new act.

Well, if I'm so unfunny,
I mean, how come you're
still my manager?

Lance, you're funny...

offstage.

But onstage,
you're, um...
I'm what?

You're afraid.

See, you're
afraid of being yourself,
and they can tell.

Hey, kid, don't
listen to the crowd.

You're one funny man.

Phil Quon says so.

Thanks a lot.
PHIL: Two more Rheingold's
for my man Booey.

Well, you'd be afraid, too

if every time you
played the Apollo,

they booed you
off the stage.

Well, you don't
have to worry about
that anymore.

They shuttin' down
the Apollo.

Get out of here.
WHITNEY: Yeah, they
just told me.

They're building
a multiplex

or quadruplex,
or some kind of plex.

And they're gonna do
a farewell show

with five slots for amateurs.

That's it.

Whiney, you've got to
get me one of those slots.

Oh, Lance, come on, man.

Just let it go.
You try someplace else.

I don't wanna
try someplace else.

As long as
I'm Booey at the Apollo,

I'm Booey everywhere.

Where you goin'?

I'm goin' to the
comic strip to work
on my material.

Get me that
audition, Whitney.

Later, Booey.
(MEN CHUCKLING)

KEYES: Okay, Lance,
where are you?

Right on time.

LANCE: I gotta work
on my set.

I gotta get
my jokes together.

I gotta go back to the
Apollo and not get booed.

I gotta work on my act.

I gotta...

Oh, my God!

(HORN HONKING)
(GASPS)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

KEYES: Oh, I hate this job.

Anybody get
that license number?

(INDISTINCT MURMURING)

Where the hell am I?

WOMAN: We've been waiting
for an eternity here.

What?

This ain't
the comic strip.
MAN: Take it easy, people.

You'll be dead a long time.
You don't have to push.

Excuse me. Excuse me.
Pardon me. Pardon me.
Excuse me.

Bob Krantz, heart attack.

Yeah.

Sid and Ethel Bugler.
Our tour bus crashed.

Yep.

Uh, I'm Tina Lovette.

TINA: Mike said he'd
put me on the list.
MAN: Yep.

All right.
Go ahead.
Thanks.

Tell Mike to stop
putting girls on the list.

Lance!
Lance Barton!

What is this place?
This is heaven.

Ah, heaven. I've had
this dream before.

Is Pac in there?
Yo, tell Pac I'm here.

Hey, hey. I said no.
Go to hell.

KEYES: Uh, Mr. Barton?

Where are you going?
I gotta wake up.
I got an audition.

KEYES: Now let me explain.
You're not dreaming.

Excuse me. Do you know
where the A train is?
Mr. Barton?

Mr. Barton,
here's the thing...
Keyes, what's the problem?

Oh, Mr. King.
Uh, no problem, sir.

I have everything
under control.

Mr. Barton here was,
uh, having a great time.

No, actually, I'm trying
to wake myself up.

Well, I hate to break it
to you, chum, but, uh,
you're not dreaming.

You're dead.
Capisce?

I'm not dead.

Lance, come here.

What you're
feeling right now
is totally normal.

For most people,
dying is a real shock
to the system.

But baby,
it's gonna get better.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

It's heaven, baby.
The food is great,
the women are beautiful,

and the music, Lance,

the music is hot.

Yes, sir,
the fun never stops.

That's great,
but I'm not dead.

Look, I got an audition
coming up that I know
I'm gonna make.

So you guys can just fix
whatever mistake you made
and get me home.

Serge.
(SNAPS FINGERS)

Could you check the list
and see when Mr. Barton
is arriving?

Barton. Barton,
Barton, Barton...

Ah. Due November
17th, 2044,

6:30 a.m.
Eastern standard time.

LANCE: 2044?

You know, you could've
just given me the year.

Leave a brother
a little doubt.

I took him one-tenth
of a second before
the truck hit.

I mean, he couldn't
have made it.

What am I gonna
do with you?

First, you make Frank Sinatra
wait for a table.

He didn't have a jacket.

He's Frank Sinatra!

He can wear
whatever he wants!

You killed me!
You killed me!
Hey! Hey!

You killed me!
You killed me!
Hey! Hey! Come on.

KEYES: Now, Mr. King has
been in charge up here
for quite some time.

I don't think there's
anything he can't handle.

LANCE: So, you guys can
fix this, right?

Lance, look, I pride
myself on being
a straight shooter.

If a guys lived a bad life,
I don't mince words.

I tell them to go
to hell, literally.

You, on the other hand,
I like you.

You're what you call...
You're very, um...

You're very, um...

KING: Very, what's the word?
Very, um...

Funny?
No. You're spunky.

Spunky? What the...
Spunky.

KING: So here's the story.

Your body's gone.
(SWISHES)

Adios, sayonara,
comprende?

But, I spoke to my boss.

You talked to God?
Yeah.

What we can do
for you is put you in
somebody else's body

as long as no one knows
he's dead yet, okay?

Wait a minute.

How am I supposed
to do my act in
somebody else's body?

Lance, look, this is all
part of some, like,
grand plan.

Really?
Yeah, sure.

Anyway, come on.
Let's go find you a body.

(BEEPING)

(SCREAMING)

This one's kind of like
a fixer-upper.

I don't think so.

(CRASHING)
(CAR ALARM WAILING)

All right, how
about this one?

He's physically fit.
He's got nice pecs.

Big's not funny.

Nobody wants to
laugh at a guy

who could whip their ass.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hey, it's your call.

(STRAINED)
Hey, Joey.
MAN: Hello.

Hey, Joey, help me.
I can't...

(LABORED BREATHING)

He's perfect.

Picky, picky.
Really picky.

Man!
Who lives here?

Charles Wellington,
the 15th richest man
in America.

He owns sporting teams,
cable companies,

health insurance
companies, you name it.

Just finished building this
high-tech luxury penthouse

controlled by supercomputers.

So, if I don't like
the body, can I
keep the crib?

(CHUCKLES)

Wait a...
How'd you do that?

I'm a friggin' angel.
I can do whatever I want.

(WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH)

What is it?
Cocktails, Madame.

Oh, yes.
Yes, of course.

Thank you, Wanda.

It's my pleasure,
Mrs. Wellington.

Is that the guy?
No.

That's Winston Sklar,
Wellington's private
secretary.

KING: They're waiting
for wellington's body
to be discovered.

What are you
talking about?

They're trying
to kill him.
What?

LANCE: We gotta
do something!

Thank you, Wanda.

"Thank you, Wanda."

Who the hell she
thinks she is?

The frigid,
stuck-up bitch!

If you really
want to thank me,

get that cheap-ass
husband of yours to pay
me a decent wage.

(SCOFFS)

One more face-lift,
that bitch gonna be
fartin' out her nose.

Why haven't they
found him yet?

I'm a murderer.
I'm a dirty murderer.
I should be punished.

Punish me.

Oh, I'll punish you.

(BOTH MOANING)

Lance.

Call the cops.
Call the cops.
Call the cops.

I was on vacation
and that Wellington...
Call the cops.

...flew me in
from North Carolina...

To change the channel
on the TV
Call the police.

Call the cops.
Call the cops.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)
911. 911.

You're damn right
I was mad!
Mamacita, nueve...

I had tickets
to go see the O'Jays.
...uno, uno.

Nueve, uno, uno.

(MOANING CONTINUES)

Where's the phone?
Where's the phone?

No can do, Lance.

The phone company

doesn't provide service
to dead people.

You wanna make a call,
get a body.

Well, find me another body.

I don't want anything to do
with these freaks.

SONTEE: ...I am here to see
Mr. Wellington,

and I'm not
leaving until I see him.

CISCO: Allow me to speak
to Mr. Wellington.

SONTEE: Yes, you do your job
and let him know I'm here.

Mr. Sklar, sir?
Yeah, Cisco?

It's, uh, Miss Jenkins
again, sir.

She insists on
seeing Mr. Wellington.

I'm sorry to bust
in like this.

Well, actually I'm not.

That's her.

That's the girl.

Hey, remember me?

On the bike.

Run over?

SKLAR: No, that's all right,
Miss Jenkins.

So, what can we
do for you?

Well, I just wanted to say
that I think you
should be arrested.

Holy crap.

What you're planning
to do to the Brooklyn
Community Hospital

is downright criminal.

(CHUCKLING)
Oh, so you mean that...

You kinda throw those words
around like that, "arrested."
It kind of hit me.

That really, ooh!
(LAUGHING)

I don't think there's
anything funny about this.

I work at the Brooklyn
Community Hospital.

And it's the only
public health facility
in the area,

and your company
just bought it.

I know that hospital.
My uncle went there
for a new liver.

They sent his ass
to the supermarket.

If this hospital
goes private,

the people who depend
on us they won't have
any place to turn.

That's awful. Well,
I think you should take
that up with Mr. Wellington

at his business office.

I've tried that.
I've been there
at least 20 times.

I've made 200 phone calls,
and Mr. Wellington seems
to never be in.

So I decided
to visit him at his home.

Well, he's unavailable,
I guarantee you.

If he's unavailable now,
I'll just wait here
until he is available.

I'm afraid you can't.

Yes, I can.

SONTEE: Would you like
to call the police
and have me arrested?

I'm sure the press'll be
interested in the story.

No.
No, no, no.

Let's don't...
Let's don't even...
I thought so.

Hey, King, if I take
this wellington guy's body,

could I help her out?

You got the hots
for her, huh?

You tryin' to sell me
a body, right?

Well, let's see it.

Okay.

Would you stop it?

This ain't Star Trek.
I'm used to walking.

Lance Barton,
Charles Wellington.

Mr. Wellington,
please, don't get up.

Damn, he's dead!

Yep. Nice bathtub.

So if I take his body,
I'm gonna look
like that, right?

Well, I can't go to
the Apollo in that body.

How am I supposed
to get laughs
lookin' like him?

Come on, he looks
funny to me.

I already get booed.

Do I really need
to get beat down
on top of it?

So you wanna
meet the girl,

you gotta take the body.

Any moment
someone'll discover it,
and it'll be too late.

Well, does it have
to be for good?

Could I just be him
while you find me
a better body?

You mean, take
the body on loan?

Mmm-hmm.

Well, you know normally,
I have a problem with that,

but since we, uh,
screwed up uh...

It's a deal.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

CISCO: Mr. Wellington,
there's a Miss Sontee
Jenkins here to see you.

Still bathing, are we?

We don't want our fingers
to go all pruney.

Hey, it worked!

What?

You weren't sure
it would work?

Relax, I read
the manual.

Hey, I still look like me.

(CHUCKLES)
You are you.

I thought you said
I was Wellington.

You are Wellington.
Well, thanks for
clearin' that up.

Look, Lance,
to everyone else,

you look like Wellington,
you sound like Wellington,

you even smell
like Wellington.

But you
see yourself.

Simple, huh?

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

CISCO: Mr. Wellington,
is everything all right?

Go ahead.
You can answer.
Go ahead.

Everything is cool.

Not too cool, I hope.

No, everything
is all right.

Now, when
I go out there,

they're gonna see
Wellington, not some
brother in his clothes.

'Cause I don't feel
like gettin' shot today.

You'll be all right.
All right.

So, you the butler?

Yes, sir.

Uh, me, me the butler.

So you do all the
butlerin' around here.

(CHUCKLES)

Yes, indeed, sir.

Whose butler are you?

Your butler, sir.

You're my butler.

Don't cheat on me, now.

If I see you butlerin'
for somebody else,
I'm gonna kill him.

(NERVOUS CHUCKLE)

And who am I?

You, you, sir?

You Mr. Wellington?

Who am I?

Mr. Wellington.

You're damn right
I'm Wellington.
Yes! I got a body!

I got a body!
I got a body!

You certainly have.

Would you care to
get dressed now, sir?

Go ahead, Lance,
take that corpse
for a spin.

So where does he keep...
Where do I keep my clothes?

In the closet, sir.

I'm goin' to the closet.
I got a body!

I got a body!
Let's go to the closet!

Let's do this!
Peace out!

LANCE: Yeah, I'm Wellington!

♪ I'm Wellington

♪ I'm Wellington ♪

Good morning,
Mr. Wellington.
Yeah.

You better recognize.

I know who you are,
you cheap bastard.

LANCE: Tiger woods, y'all.
Tiger woods, y'all.

Tiger, tiger, tiger,
tiger, tiger woods, y'all.

(MRS. WELLINGTON SCREAMING)

Hey, tiger woods, y'all.

Hi, darling.
I'll deal with
you two later.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

How ya doin'?
I'm Charles Wellington,

the 15th richest man
in America.

I know who you are.

(SKLAR WHISPERING)

Would you guys
give us some privacy?

Yeah. Yeah.
(GRUNTS)

You know, that looks
uncomfortable.
Could I help you out?

No, I don't need
your help.

You have been avoiding
me for weeks,

and you're gonna
listen to exactly
what I have to say.

Me?
I am talking about people's
lives here, Mr. Wellington.

Sick people, poor people.

The kind of people
you care nothing about.

Hey, but I'm just...

These people are going
to be in desperate trouble

if you sell them out from
the only place they can go
when they need help.

KING: See you later, Lance.
I'll get Keyes workin'
on a new body.

Good luck.
Hey, but...

But nothing!

Do you know that we
are the only county hospital
in that part of Brooklyn?

And you chose
there of all places

to privatize and
kick sick, broke people
out on their behinds.

What kind of man
are you?

It sounds like
I'm an asshole.

You think this is a joke,
don't you?

No, nom I do not think
this is a joke.
This is a joke.

A prostitute and
a card dealer go...

Forget. Forget it.
Well, you know what?

I know all about your
board of directors
meeting on Monday.

Really?

The one that's closed
to the public.

I'm glad you told me.

Now I gotta get
a haircut and maybe buy
some gators.

And you better get
real serious by then,
'cause I'm gonna be there.

And I'm gonna bring
every television camera,

every news reporter
and every microphone
I can find.

Fine, we'll make
a party of it.

I bring some friends,
you bring some friends.

We'll get some chips
and dip, a deejay.

And we, you know,
we get on this
hospital thing.

This meeting is over,
Mr. Wellington.

Good-bye.
Hey, I'm serious.

LANCE: I'm not joking.
I'm... I...

Is something wrong?

I lost the keys
to the handcuffs.

Didn't your mama
tell you to carry
an extra handcuff key?

Okay, okay.
You know what?
I'm just playin' with you.

I'm gonna look
for the key.

It's not up there.

It's not there.

LANCE: Uh, there it is.

Nope. Roach.

There you go.
Got it.

You know what I got
right here?

(HOARSE VOICE)
I got your freedom.

(CHUCKLES)
I'm just playin'.
Let me get it.

Don't worry.
Gotcha.

See? Everything's
all right.

Um, thank you,

bastard.

I was just playin'.

I don't know what happened.

I put the pills in his drink.
I saw him drink it.

Oh, I'll tell you what
happened. Ya blew it!

You ruined us!

You... You idiot!

You incompetent moron!

You bitch.
You retard.

You rich bitch.
Oh, yeah.

You fat, old bitch.

Now we're talkin'.

(BOTH MOANING)

Oh, God.
Oh, yeah.

Honey, I'm home.
(SCREAMS)

You want to put
a little, uh, English
right on the top...

I just want to say that
I know y'all tried to kill me.

(LAUGHING)

Darling, that's
ridiculous.

From what I hear,
I'm kind of an asshole.

So I figure we're even.

I was an asshole,
y'all tried to kill me.

Don't know what
you're talkin' about.

Come on. I know you
tried to kill me.

So, let's just move on.

I mean, we're adults.
So what if you
tried to kill me.

But we're never gonna have
a good relationship
until you admit it.

Okay, we tried
to kill you. (CHUCKLES)

Gotcha! Police!

Police, here they are!

(SOBBING)
Okay, okay, I'm sorry.

I'm just playin'.

I'm not gonna
tell anybody.

But I do need
a favor from you.

Do you know how
to get in touch with
Sontee Jenkins?

Uh, no, but we
can find out.

Should I call our
usual problem solvers?

Maybe if they pay
a little visit to her home,
she'll change her tune.

We could kill
her dog.

Does she have a dog?
We could get her a dog.
We could kill it.

Look, I don't have
a problem with
Sontee Jenkins.

I want to ask her
out on a date.

Oh.
(GASPS)

Oh.

Charles!

Oh, don't
"Oh, Charles" me.

You were gettin'
ready to have sex
on the pool table.

You've got an eight
ball in your ass.

Now, there's
where you're wrong.
(CHUCKLES)

We were just, um...
It was...

This isn't level,
and we were trying to...

Do me a favor.
Keep waxin' that ass.
Keep her off mine.

Waxing it?

What does that mean?

Mmm?

(REMOTE BEEPING)

(HISSING)

(BEEPS)

(HISSING)

How do you get this
thing to change
channels?

How do you get MTV?

(SONG PLAYING)

Showtime.

(SCREAMS)

Playboy.
(MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey!

BET.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Not available.

Not available.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Descending to staff level.

Let me tell you,
baking soda'll
get that right out.

Does any TV
in this house get BET?

BET, Mr. Wellington?

You know, BET,
Black entertainment
television.

No, I know
what BET is.

You wanna watch BET?

Yeah.

The TV in the staff
lounge gets BET,
Mr. Wellington.

Would you guys mind
if I went and watched
some TV?

Not at all,
Mr. Wellington.

This is your house.

Enjoy it.

Thanks a lot.

Take care.

Thank you,
Mr. Wellington,

you jungle fever
havin' bastard.

What, it's not
enough he bosses my
ass around upstairs?

Now he got to come
down here and
watch my little TV.

I tell you what,
if he asks me
to change the channel,

I'm gonna cut his ass.

Uh, Wanda?

Yes, Mr. Wellington?

You don't like me,
do you?

Oh, no, I like you
just fine, sir.

She can't stand your ass.
Mmm-hmm.

You should hear her
all the time.

"I hate Wellington.

"Boy, I hope
he drops dead."

Mmm-hmm.
"Wellington stupido.

"Wellington cheapo.
Wellington assholo."
Mmm?

Sir, it's
just disrespectful.

I understand, really.

If I was you,
I would hate me, too.

I tell you what
I'm gonna do.
Startin' next week,

both of you get
a 200 percent raise.

Are you happy?

I'm ecstatic.

Good. Take care.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

I'll believe that bullshit
when I see my check.

CISCO: (AMERICAN ACCENT)
All right. Here we go now.

Come on, baby.
Come on, baby.

Aw, for Christ's sake.
You gotta hit that.
It's a wide-open three.

(TURNS TV OFF)
Come in.

(BRITISH ACCENT)
Mr. Wellington, sir.

Anything I can do
for you? I didn't
hear the bell.

Is there anybody
else in here?

I don't believe
so, sir, no.

You're not from
England, are you?

Uh, of course I am, sir.
I'm from London.

I was born in Fulham, sir.
A stone's throw
from the river Thames.

My father was a gentleman's
gentleman, and I am
a gentleman's gentleman.

I was right outside
the door. I heard you.

I know what you do.
You put on this
fake accent.

Just to make the rich
folks feel comfortable.

Pretty good scam.

So where are you
really from?

(AMERICAN ACCENT)
I'm from Scarsdale.

Holy crap!
Am I fired?

No, you're not fired.
Mind if I watch BET?

Certainly, sir.
Would you like me
to change the channel?

Drop the accent.

(IMITATING) "Would you
like me to change the..."

Just be yourself.

Okay, uh, do you...
Do you want a beer?

You know what?
Let me get it.
You worked all day.

LANCE: You got
any Rheingold's?

Okay, and the excitement
is building as the second
amateur spot

for the final Apollo show
has been awarded to comedian
Joe Guy from Brooklyn.

And now stay
tuned for the
Brian McKnight-a-thon.

Where you goin',
uh, sir?

I gotta go work
on my material.

Where's the
nearest subway?

You wanna
take the car?

(GIN AND JUICE PLAYING)

What's up, Snoop?

♪ With so much drama
in the L-B-C

LANCE:
♪ It's kinda hard being
Snoop D-O-double-G

♪ But I, somehow, some way

♪ Keep comin' up
with funky ass shit

♪ Like every single day

LANCE: What's up,
museum?

♪ Sippin' on gin and juice

♪ Laid back

♪ With my mind on my money
And my money on my mind

Yo!

Yeah!

♪ Sippin' on gin and juice

Here it comes!

BOTH:
♪ With my mind on my money
And my money on my mind

♪ Rollin' down the street

Put up your "W."

♪ Sippin' on gin and juice

♪ Laid back

♪ With my mind on my money
And my money on my mind

♪ Now, that,
I got me some Seagram's gin

♪ Everybody got they cups,
but they ain't chipped in

♪ Now this types of shit
happens all the time

♪ You got to get yours
But fool I gotta get mine

♪ Everything is fine when
you listenin' to the D-O-G

♪ I got the cultivating music
That be captivating he ♪

M.C.: Are you ready
for more comedy?

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

All right. Our next act,
you've seen him on TV.

You've read about
him in the paper.

He just won a spot on
the last night of the Apollo.

Give it up
for Joe Guy!

(CHEERING)

What's up, brother?
Whoo!

Look at this place.
It lookin' fine, boy!

Got some fine lookin'
sisters in the house.
Except for you, girl.

CISCO: You sure this
is such a great idea?
Goddamn, you is ugly.

This place does
seem a little...
(JOE CONTINUES)

A little what?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

It's a little
dark in here.

Relax.

These are my people.

And there is
no more America.

There's no more little towns.

No, no, no.
You know what all it is?

Malls. The whole
country is malls.

And every town's
got two malls.

Every town's
got two malls.

That's right.
They got the white mall...

And the mall white people
used to go to.

LANCE: That's right.
'Cause there ain't nothin'
in the black mall.

They don't got nothin'
in the black mall
but sneakers and baby clothes.

I guess that's all we doin',
runnin' and screwin'.

And white people
will abandon a mall.
That's right.

White people like their black
the same way they like
their seasoning, just a dash.

You go to a white mall,
it's all nice.

Everything.
The stores are all nice.

You got
personal shoppers.

You go to a black mall
and people say,

"Can I help you
with the cheap shit?"

LANCE: White people get
some money, keep it.
Stay rich.

Kids get rich. Black people
get some money,

it's the countdown to
"When this brother
gonna go broke?"

(CHUCKLES)

That's right.
White people die
and leave a will.

Brother die
and leave a bill.

(STUMBLES)

(INAUDIBLE)

(SKLAR GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

I'm fine.
I'm fine. Fine.

(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS)

SONTEE ON VOICEMAIL:
Hi, it's Sontee.

Leave me a message.
I'll call you back.
(BEEPS)

LANCE: Hey, Sontee.
Charles Wellington here.

The bastard.
Remember me?

Anyway, it was cool havin'
you break into my house
the other day,

and I was
just wonderin'

if we can get together

and get somethin' to eat.

You know, catch
a movie or somethin'.

(BEEPS)
LANCE: Hey, Sontee.
Charles wellington here.

Hope you like the flowers.

All right.
Give me a call.

(BEEPS)

Hey, Sontee.
Charles Wellington again.

You haven't called me.

And I was just wonderin'
if we can get together
and catch a movie,

maybe a play, somethin'.

LANCE: Are you there?

Are you screening this call?

Okay, I guess
you're not there.

(BEEPS)

Hey, Sontee.
Charles wellington.

LANCE: Are you there?

I know you're there!
I know you're there!
(GLASS BREAKS)

Pick up the phone!
I know you're there!

Hey, just playin'.

Just playin'.

All right.
Give me a call, okay?

(SIGHS)

Good mornin'.

Did you know your
answering machine
is broken?

No, it's not broken,
but it is full.

Would you stop
calling me?

What are you doin' here?
I was just
in the neighborhood.

Oh, you were
in Brooklyn.

What were you doin',
shuttin' down
some old folks' homes?

Come on,
don't be so mean.

I thought maybe
we could get in the rolls

and go by the Four Seasons,
have a little brunch,

just discuss this
whole hospital thing.

Oh, so you're trying
to impress me with
the car and the money.

You think I'm
some video hoe?

Look, I really
don't care what you
have, okay?

If you want to impress me,
do it at the board meeting
on Monday.

I thought maybe
we could spend
some time together.

Why don't you
spend a little time

and do something positive
with your money?

(SIGHS)

That was brutal.

You got a nice touch
with the ladies, Lance.

I can't get a girl
in this body,

and I definitely
can't get any laughs.

Have you found me
anything yet?
I'm workin' on it.

I was just in Havana.
You want one?

No, I don't want one.

What I want from you
is a body that works.

I want a body,
and I want it now!

What, are you gettin'
tough with me?
I'm a friggin' angel.

You don't want
to be in heaven,
you don't like it here.

There is a third
option, you know.
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
I just need a body.

You know what?
There's a big rap concert
in the Bronx tonight.

Somebody's gonna die.

Hey, don't forget
about me.

Go to the rap concert.

It's over
between you and me.
(SCOFFS)

I can't do this anymore.
Let's just
get out of here.

We could take the plane.
We could go someplace
he'll never find us.

Chechnya, East Timor.
It'll be fun.

No, I can't.

I mean, after all,
he is my husband,

and I love him.

And I'm gonna do
whatever I can
to get him back.

You bitch.
You scheming,
double-crossing bitch.

That's sweet, Winston,

but it's too late.

(CROWD CHANTING)

SONTEE: We cannot
allow Wellco to take over!

SKLAR: I just think
this is an extremely
bad time

to be making
a personal appearance.

Look, I've been lookin'
into this hospital thing.

You have?

Yeah. And I think
Sontee Jenkins had a point...

Chuck, Chuck...

Let's just handle this
the usual way, okay?

You do the strong,
silent thing.

I'll field all
the questions.

I'm the velvet glove.
You're the iron fist.

I mean, I won't let you down.

We can't have that.
MAN: You can't do that!

And there's one man
that's responsible
for all this,

Charles Wellington.

(CROWD BOOING)
WOMAN:
You're a bad man!

MAN: Get out!

Leave our
hospital alone!

Scumbag!

White oppressor!
(CAMERA CLICKS)

Mr. Wellington, now that
you own Brooklyn
community hospital,

are you gonna be
sending those without
health insurance

to public facilities
outside their
own community?

Yeah, asshole!

No, no, no. Mr. Wellington
doesn't really have time

to answer any
questions right now.

You know what,
let me address that.

I don't care
what you got.

Cancer, rickets,
polio, swine flu,

the clap, dandruff...

LANCE: What else you got?
Lyme disease.

Lyme disease,
lemon disease.

It don't matter.
We'll take you.

(CROWD MURMURING)
MAN: Liar!

Won't take you.

REPORTER: Mr. Wellington,
is the...

Thank you.
Thank you all.
(MURMURING CONTINUES)

Well, here they are,
Mr. Wellington,

the faces that you were
too much of a coward
to confront.

So what do you
have to say to them?

Hey, what's up, wheelie?

Crutchie crutch,
how you doin', man?

Hey, big I.V.

Save me a sip.
I want a sip, now.

I know what's
wrong with you.

Your breath is
destroying the
'environment.

(SCATTERED CHUCKLING)

Why don't you tell them,
that you don't care
about them?

And while you're at it,

how come you
locked the staff

and the press
out of this meeting?

ALL: Yeah!
You know what?

I must've been out
of my mind.

Was I takin'
ecstasy that day?

We goin' in there.

Sklar, grab a stretcher.
We're goin' in.

ALL: All right!
Everybody.

If you can walk,
let's walk.

If you can't walk,
it's time to roll.

If you got crutches,
then crutch your
ass in there.

We are goin' in.
Come on, big I.V.
Let's do this.

(GLASS BREAKS)

LANCE: Whoo!
Sorry, brother.

Can we get some
more juice for big I.V.?

Hey, guys, I brought us
some friends from the media.

So if anybody is not where
they're supposed to be

or with somebody they're
not supposed to be with

or got a little crust
in their eyes,

you might want to
get up right now.

You can't bring news
cameras into
the boardroom.

No, this is not
a good idea, Charles.

Hey, relax.
We got nothing to hide.

If there's not enough
seats, you can just sit
on somebody's lap.

Unless the person next
to you don't got a lap.

So, what's up?

WOMAN: Mr. Wellington,
at your hospital in Kentucky,

a teenager with a bullet
wound to his head was
sent to another hospital

15 miles away,
dying en route.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hospitals don't kill people.

People kill people.

What kind of cold-ass
shit is that?

We can't be sendin' people
out with bullet wounds
to their head.

That's somethin' you
definitely have
to take serious.

From now on,
we got a new slogan.

"Shot in the head,
you get a bed," okay?

"If your head is bloody,
we're your buddy."

I want bullet wounds
in this place
to be treated like cash.

Accepted everywhere.

(CHEERING)

But not without
adequate insurance.

(IMITATING) "Not without
adequate insurance."

Is insurance
really adequate?

When you pay
for insurance,
do you feel assured?

They shouldn't even
call it insurance.

They should just call it
"In case shit."

I give a company
some money in case
shit happens.

Now, if shit don't
happen, shouldn't I get
my money back?

Wouldn't that be fair?
(CROWS APPLAUDS)

I mean, if I had known
y'all was gonna
keep the money,

I would've got
in an accident.

And if you're gonna
take my money,

at least spend the money
on some poor, sick people.

Don't take my money and
buy a Mercedes Benz,

and park it in front
of Brooklyn Hospital...
(ALL CHEERING)

When all these broke
people gotta walk by it.

I just got off
the B-44 bus,

and I got to look at
your Mercedes Benz?

I should just stab
the tire!

(CROWD LAUGHS)

LANCE: And why do
doctors cost so much?

Do you know?
Shut the hell up!

It's like doctors
chargin' all this money
for a triple bypass surgery.

Triple bypass surgery
gonna charge somebody
a $100,000

and then got the nerve
to say, "Take it easy."

Shit, I gotta go get a job
right now drivin' another
cab or somethin'.

Just to pay off
the damn doctor!

(APPLAUDING)

From now on,
we have to be different.

Let's see how it feels
to not be the evil
corporation anymore.

Let's try takin' in
people bleedin' with bullet
wounds to the head.

Let's just
try it for a change.

I mean, we tried
the other way.

We made a lot of money.

We got paid.
We got laid.

And so what if we lose
a few million dollars?

Now, a lot of y'all
look pretty pissed off.

Look like y'all
want to get froggy.

Well, come on!
(CROWD LAUGHS)

What you gonna do?
Uh-uh.

You see this foot?
You see this foot?

It's from a little town
called "Rich man's ass,"

and it's gettin' homesick.

(LAUGHING)

You guys
have been great.

You've been
a lovely audience.

I want to thank y'all
for showin' up.

Drive home safely.
Tip your waitresses.

I gots to go.
Take care.
(CROWD APPLAUDING)

LANCE: Thanks a lot.

Thank you.
SKLAR: Wellington?

Pardon me.
Nice shirt.

Hey, Chuck.

Look, I feel like
I haven't been
tending to your needs,

but I wanna
make it up to you.

I know your biggest
fantasy has always
been a menage a trois

and you've always
had a thing for
Blanche from the club.

Hi, Chuck.

How'd you like
to come over here
and taste me?

Oh, sir, the, uh,
handcuff lady's here.

Sontee?

Mr. Wellington.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Descending from
second floor.

You know what?
Just call me Lance.

SONTEE: I thought
your name was Charles.

Yeah, but Charles
is short for Lance.

Charles is
a maiden name.

Okay, Lance.

Uh, I just came
to say I'm sorry.

I mean, I know I said
a lot of bad things
about you,

but you kept
brushing me off.

But if you meant all those
things you said at the board
meeting,

it was so great.

Are you hungry?
I'm sorry to jump in,
but are you hungry?

You gotta be hungry.
You've been
workin' all day.

I know you were out
there marchin',

and you got
your picket sign,

and Al Sharpton's there,
and he ate all the food.
Uh...

You wanna get
somethin' to eat?
Uh, no.

I don't think I should.
Come on.

I'm not tryin'
to impress you.

I swear, I am not
tryin' to impress you.

I... I just want
to feed you.

That's all. We don't
even have to drive.

We can walk.
We can skip.

(CHUCKLES)
You wanna skip
to a meal?

I guess I am hungry.

So, come on.
Let's go.

(SIREN WAILING)

(SIZZLING)

What's the matter?
You don't like
this place?

No, I am
just surprised.
What?

I didn't always have
money. It wasn't like
I was born rich.

Yeah, right.

You know how you visit
people in the hospital?

I used to go to store
windows and visit
clothes I had on layaway.

"Used to?" I was just
visiting a pair of
shoes last week.

I remember
this one time,

I put a coat
on layaway in,

I don't know, September.

So, I figured I'd get
it out in the winter.

Money got low.
Couldn't get the
damn thing out till June.

So, what'd you do?
Wait till next
winter to wear it?

For a coat I just paid for?

Please! I wore that
coat the whole summer.

July 4th, I was
on the beach

with a goose down
and a pair of shorts.

Stop playing.
I'm not playing.

Sweating.
Just drown...

Just dripping
sweat, slipping.

(HIP HOP MUSIC
PLAYING FROM RADIO)

♪ That's how
Ruff Ryders roll

(HUMMING)

♪ Shut 'em down
open up shop

♪ Oh, no
(HUMMING)

♪ That's how
Ruff Ryders roll

LANCE:
♪ Stop, drop

♪ Shut 'em down
open up shop

♪ Oh, no

♪ That's how Ruff Ryders roll,

♪ Niggas wanna try
♪ What

♪ Niggas wanna lie
♪ What?

♪ Then niggas wonder why
♪ What?

♪ Niggas wanna die
♪ What?

♪ All I feel is pain
♪ What?

♪ All I feel is rain
♪ What?

♪ How can I maintain
♪ What?

♪ With mad shit on my brain
♪ What?

♪ I resort to violence,
♪ What?

♪ My niggas move in silence
♪ What?

♪ Like you don't know
what our style is
♪ What?

♪ New York niggas
the wildest...
♪ What?

Yo, dog!
♪ What?

♪ What?
♪ Took it, then we split it ♪

(THUDDING)

Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm okay.

Hey!
Have you lost
your mind?

I forgot who I was.

You forgot
who you were.

I just like the song.
DMX. Ruff Ryders.

What if I was singing,

(SINGSONG)
"Whities wanna die,
whities can't try"?

Might get a record deal.

(SCOFFS AND CHUCKLES)

You know,
I don't believe you.
You're somethin' else.

I didn't know what to expect,
but I didn't expect this.

There's something
about your eyes.

When I look at you,
it's like I see somebody
else inside you.

You know, even
when I was trying
to be mad at you,

I just can't help
but see something else.

Sounds crazy, huh?
No, it's...

It's not crazy.

It's... It's not crazy.

Some date, huh?
Date?

Oh, I thought you were
just trying to feed me.

I was till I got
my ass whooped.

(LAUGHING)

That guy punched me like
I owed him child support.

(ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING)

(CAMERA CLICKING)

(INAUDIBLE)

Well, that was
different than what
I thought it would be.

Different good
or different weird?

It was a little bit
of both, I think.

I guess you
just didn't seem
like my type.

Not your type.
So, uh, what's
your type look like?

It's not all about looks.
I mean, you don't have
to be fine or anything.

I just kind of
like a guy with
all of his teeth.

Well, that's a good rule.
That's a good rule.

I like a slim guy.
A guy with a goatee.

Nice eyes.
And he's gotta
be funny.

Hmm.

I guess I don't
have a chance.

What's your type?

My type? I like
my women same way
I like my coffee.

Puerto Rican.

Just playing.
Just playing.
You watch it.

Oh, boy, here we are.

So, can I call you?

Well, let me ask
you something.

All that stuff
you were saying
at the hospital,

were you just trying
to get with me?

At first, yeah.

Yeah, that's all
I could think about.

But then I remembered
what you said.

"Do something positive
with your money."

So, I figure, you know,
I'm in this body,

I might as well help.

I mean, if I get
with you, great.

But if not, at least
somebody'll be happy.

You know what?
I'd better go.

Yeah. I guess I better
be going, too.

Yeah. I wonder
who the Knicks played.

I think they played
the Lakers or somebody...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
Was I wrong?

No, it's... I knew
you were gonna try
to kiss me tonight

and I thought
I'd be mad,

but I'm not. It's...

It's something
about your eyes.

You know, the first kiss

is always in the middle
of a sentence.

It's always like,

"Yeah, tomorrow
I'm gonna go to the zoo,

"because I got this whole
thing with orangutans

"and I just..."

Mmm.

Or it could
be like, um,

"Did you hear about
that new war in Russia?

"I heard they
were gonna..."

So, I can call you, right?
I mean, just to talk.

No nasty talk
or anything.

Unless that's
what you're into.

Then, hey!

Good night.

Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

(BABY CRYING)
(SCREAMING)

My baby! My baby!
Yes!

WOMAN: Oh!
Yes! Yes!

Yes, yes!

Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes!

(RUFF RYDERS PLAYING
IN DISTANCE)
Oh!

♪ That's how
Ruff Ryders roll

♪ Niggas wanna try
♪ What?

♪ Niggas wanna lie
♪ What?

♪ Then niggas wonder why
♪ What?

♪ Niggas wanna die ♪

Yes! Yes!

(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

MAN: Get off
my foot, bitch!
(GUNSHOTS)

(ALL SCREAMING)

Okay, let's go.
Hey! Don't sneak
up on me like that.

What are you,
The Great Gazoo?

Sorry. Hi. How are you?
Nice night.
I got a new body for you.

You know what?
I don't need
the body anymore.

This one's just fine.

Mr. Barton, uh,
we have about
one minute

to get you into this
truly fabulous corpse.

Hey, I'm cool
with Wellington.

You know why?
'Cause Sontee's
cool with Wellington.

Look, I just waited
through ol' dirty bastard,

Mystikal and Silkk
the Shocker for you.

Keeping this body
is not an option,

regardless of whether
you're smitten
with some girl.

It's not some girl.
It's the girl.

I mean, you got heaven,
but you don't got this, man.

I mean, she's fine.
She's smart.

We like all the same stuff.
We hate all the same stuff.

She laughs at
my stupid jokes.

And I don't have to
censor myself around her.

But you know what?

She only knows me
as this guy Wellington.

So, I don't want to
up and change now.

Lance, trust me,
it's better this way.

Yo, money,
give me your wallet.

One second.

Are you sure
I won't die
for 40 years?

Technically,
yes, but...

Mother...
Whoa!

But this body's
just a loaner! Boy,
nobody listens to me.

Come on, man!
Rob me! Don't run!

Come on! I got
money! You bad!

What does that
mean, he wants to
be more involved

with running
the company?

It means, uh,
he wants to be
more involved

with, uh, running
the company.

I thought you had
him under control.

(STAMMERING) I do.
I mean, I did.

I mean, I don't
really know where
this came from.

It's like
he's gone crazy.

Maybe the fact you were
schtupping his wife changed
his attitude a little.

Well, there's really
no need to get,
uh, personal.

I'll tell you what
I take personally.

The statement,
"What if we lose
a few million dollars?"

Now, I didn't get
into this business
to lose money.

Do you think this
goody-two-shoes crap that
Wellington's been spewing

extends to, say,
auditing the
company's finances?

Oh, Jesus,
I hope not.

Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Let's just kill him.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

What are you
laughing about?

Winston, do you
want to take the
lead on this one?

LANCE: Cisco, you know
what I need you to do?

I need you to get
in contact with a man
named Whitney Daniels.

He lives on 104th
and Lennox. Tell him
I need to talk to him.

No, thank you.

Pretty sweet, huh?
Up here, Mr. Daniels.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Entering second floor.
Entering second floor.

(LAUGHING)
LANCE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I saw this girl
the other day.
She was ugly.

She's so ugly,
she's talking about
give her a booty call.

I said, "Girl, you so
ugly, I'm gonna give
you a zootie call."

What the hell do you think
you're doing here, huh?

This isn't your act.

Calm down. Hey, hey, hey!
Everybody, Whitney Daniels!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Shut up!

Hey, you guys
have been great,

but we're gonna take
a little break right now.

All right. Come on,
everybody. Let's
get back to work.

Come on. (COUGHS)

What the hell
is going on here?

I know it looks
kind of crazy,
but if I'm gonna get

one of those last
amateur spots
at the Apollo,

I'm gonna need
a place to work out.

You wanna do
one of the amateur
spots at the Apollo?

(LAUGHING) You?

What do you do,
have your butlers

go hang around
comedy clubs and
steal people's acts?

You think
my act is stolen?

I know it is.

Personally, I would
have stolen some
better material.

But the kid who wrote it,
he used to work it
pretty well, and...

Two Rheingolds
coming at ya.

Thanks a lot, Cisco.

Damn, you
took everything
from the kid, huh?

Don't tell me that
Rheingold is all you can
afford, Mr. Wellington.

Whit, I didn't
steal anything.

I just want to
play the Apollo,

and you're the only man
who can help me do it.

No. I'm out of the
comedy business.

Last person
I was gonna
help is dead.

But, anyway, he was
a special case.

Really? What was
so special about him?

About him?
Nothing, really,
if you want to know.

(CHUCKLES) He didn't
have much talent
to speak of.

But no matter
how bad it went,

and, believe me,
sometimes it
went really bad,

he wanted to
get back onstage.

He was a good kid.

And I wanted
to be there when things
got good for him, but...

But I guess that
won't happen now.

Thanks for the beer.

Whitney, it's me, Lance.

Uh, I got hit
by a truck

and I went up
to heaven, and they
took my body quick.

And I'm in heaven,
and it's all blue.

And this guy...
And then the other
guy, Mr. King,

he kinda looked like
Ricky Ricardo and...

I don't know if it's
drugs you're taking

or drugs you
need to be taking,

but do something.

Whitney, remember
when we did that
gig in Atlantic City?

They were supposed
to pay us 500,
but they only gave us 250.

And we got
real drunk and hung out
with these two girls?

We got so drunk,
we thought they
was transvestites.

Turns out they weren't
transvestites.

They were just
two real ugly girls.

So, then we brought
'em back to the hotel,

hung out with 'em,
fell asleep.

When we woke up,
what did we find out?

BOTH: They robbed us!

(LAUGHING) Yeah, man!

They... They...

Booey! Yeah!

Yeah! Whoo! Oh!

This is impossible.

What's so impossible
about it?

You've been going to
church your whole life.

You've been putting
money in the collection
plate every week.

This is just your
tax dollars at work.

Wait a minute. God...

What's God like?
Does he have
a sense of humor?

You know, I haven't
met God, but the Devil
got some good weed.

I'm just joking.

Just playing, man.

I haven't even met
him yet, but I met this
guy, uh, Mr. King.

He's kind of like
the manager up there.

Manager?
(STUTTERING) Wait...

Lance!

Just because
you built a comedy club
in your own home,

it doesn't mean
you can pull this off.

You got to work
your material in front
of a real audience.

I got an audience.
I mean, you heard me
getting laughs.

(POP SONG PLAYING)

Okay. What
else do we got?

Um, "Your mother
has so much hair
under her arms,

"it looks like she has
buckwheat in a headlock."

You know what
I like about telling
jokes? It's pure.

It's like boxing 101.
You versus the audience.

It's not like music.
Nobody cares
what you look like.

Nobody cares
what you're wearing.

People just want to
know if you're funny.
Can you bring it?

And I just wanna
go to the Apollo
and bring it one time.

What about that stuff
you were saying
at the hospital?

People think that
stuff every day,

but you never hear
anybody say it.

I was just talking.

Yeah, but it worked.

What do you
mean, worked?
It was funny.

♪ Ooh-ooh

♪ Shake ya ass
but watch yourself

♪ Shake ya ass
Show me what
you workin' with

♪ Shake ya ass
but watch yourself

♪ Shake ya ass

What's up, G?

♪ Don't make me leave here
with my foot in your...

♪ Be cool ♪

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Welcome home, G.

What are you doing?

Backin' that ass up.

How about you
and me knock boots?

It's just, you know,
I've noticed lately
you've been into the whole

"Jet magazine" thing and...
Listen.

I want a divorce.

Is it because
I tried to jack you?

No, no, no. It's got
nothing to do with
you trying to jack me.

The truth is,
there's somebody else.

Oh. Ya got another ho.

Look, just divorce me.

You can have the
house, the car...

You can have
whatever you want.
I don't want it.

Word?
Word.

You know, you're
a great person inside.

And you need
to get in touch with
the person inside.

And until you do that,
you need to stay inside.

So, take care,
all right?

He's lost his mind.

(APPLAUSE)
All right, your next act,
ladies and gentlemen.

He loves comedy so much,
he bought the whole damn club.

Please put your
hands together for
Charles Wellington III.

You all right?
Yeah, I'm all right.

You ready?
I'm ready.

How you feel? Great.
I feel good.

'Cause they're
here, the judges
from the Apollo.

ANNOUNCER: Charles Wellington,
ladies and gentlemen.

How're you doing?
All right.

When I was a kid,
we were so poor

that the roaches
was on welfare.

MAN 1: Poor, my ass.

Get off the stage,
you fake Bill Gates.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Yeah, we was real poor.

We were so poor
that the rats
had bald spots.

MAN 1: Crap.
Cripitty-crap-crap.

I'm supposed to sit here
and listen to this crap
just because you own the club?

Rich son of a bitch.

MAN 2: Oh!
That's comedy.
That's comedy.

Drinks for everybody.
That, my friend, is comedy.

All right?

Shut up before I crush
you with my wallet.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Bothering me on the job.

Do I come to your job
and bother you?

Do I kick the squeegee
out your hand? No.

I leave it right there.

Let you get all
the cars all day long.

I didn't always
have money.

No, no, no.
When I was a kid,
we really was poor.

We really was broke.
When I was a kid,
we were so broke...

My dad was the
cheapest man on earth.

My father's so cheap
that when we went to bed,
he'd unplug the clocks.

"You can't tell time
when you asleep."

And the last spot
for the Apollo's
final show goes to...

Billionaire Charles Wellington
from New York City.
(SQUEALS)

And to make
the night right,

closing out the show
will be Brian McKnight.

Boy, I don't know
what got into
that Wellington,

but I like him.

(INDISTINCT)

PROTESTERS:
Fur is murder!
Fur is murder!

Fur is murder!
PROTESTERS: Fur is murder!

(EXCLAIMS IN SHOCK)
I'm gonna show you murder!

Don't be stingy.

(GRILL SIZZLING)

Stick to the soft stuff.
You can gum it.

Kiss my ass.

I'm so glad we're giving
back to the community.

Put on the hat.
Put it on.

So, I still got to
get onstage and
not get booed off.

Well, you're doing
pretty good.

Thank you for the party,
Mr. Wellington.

No problem, sickie.

You take care,
you sick bastard.

See what you got here.

Damn, you're sick!
You're a sick man!

Nurse, let's get this
man a table dance,
let's get it right now!

NURSE: Yes, sir.
(CHUCKLING)

So, will you marry me?

What?
Sontee,

I love looking at you,
I love talking to you,

I love laughing
with you.

You know, sometimes
when I can't find you,

I call your house
just to listen to your
answering machine

because I love
your voice.

The cars, the money,
all this stuff,

I'd give it all up
just for you.

You know, today
I changed the diaper
of an 86-year-old man,

and I'd give it all up
just for you.

That's a big sacrifice.

KEYES: Mr. Barton?

What?
Nothing.

Hold that thought.
Okay.

I'll be right back.

I said hold
that thought.
Okay.

Keyes, what are you
doing? Get outta here.
You're death-ing up the place.

Lance, you got to
come with me.

You can't stay
in this body.

Can't you see
I'm busy? Go have
yourself some ribs.

Hey, I'm not
the bad guy here!

Can I take
my hands down now?

Yes, you can take
your hands down.

So, you really want
to get married?

I really want
to get married.

I mean, just look at me.
You know I'm not lying.

I know.

There's something
about your eyes.

Sontee, I just want
to remember all of this.

I don't want you
to forget me.

You're not gonna
forget me, right?

You act like
something's
gonna happen.

Nothing's gonna happen.
I'm just saying, though,

if something
did happen, like,

someday you met a guy,

it could be a black guy,
a white guy, a Spanish guy.

I mean, if he was sincere,
you'd give him a shot, right?

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

What are you
talking about?

Everything's all right.

Everything's all right.

So, you brought
the big gun, huh?

You gotta play
by the rules, Lance,
like everybody else.

I played by the rules
my whole life
and I'm sick of it.

From now on,
I make the rules.

No one makes
these rules, kid.

Yeah, but you make
all the mistakes, right?

Every time I get
something going,
you take my body.

This was just
a temporary setup.
The clock ran out.

I'm not scared
of you, King.

I got lawyers now.
I got money.

Makes no difference.
But I can't go now.

I'm supposed to
play the Apollo,
and I'm in love.

This is bigger than that.

Nothing's bigger than that.

This is fate.

How come every time
something bad happens
to me, it's fate?

And every time
something good
happens to me, it's luck?

Is anything
good supposed to
happen to me?

(ALL SCREAMING)

No.

Somebody call 911!

KING: Sorry, Lance.
I tried to warn you.

LANCE: King, you got
to get me back.

No dice.
We had a deal.

I'll do anything.
I'll be anybody.

There'll be
consequences.

I'll take 'em.
Just get me back!

(SNIFFLING)

Hello, Sontee.
(SIGHS)

I just can't believe
he's gone, just like that.

He's not gone, Sontee.

I know in a way
he's gonna live on, but...

No, no, honestly.

You think you loved
Charles Wellington,

but really, you loved
someone inside of him.

He didn't die tonight.

He's living on somewhere.

I'm sure of it.

And he'll always
remember us.

LANCE: So, what are
we doing here?

This is your future, kid.

You mean, I'm gonna
be Joe Guy?
That's the plan.

But I don't want
to take his life.

He's about to
play the Apollo.
He's a nice guy.

That's his destiny,
this is yours. It'll all
work out for the best.

I'm not so sure with you.
Look out, Joe!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(CRASHING)

(DOOR CREAKS)

(LAUGHING)

Air bags.

Air bags.

Taxi! Taxi!

Hey!

Taxi!

Taxi! Taxi!

Taxi! Taxi,
taxi, taxi!

I'm black again!

I'm black again!
I'm a black man!

Thank God
I'm a black man!

People are questioning
Winston Sklar,

who worked for Wellington,
in relation to the murder.

To the people who
knew him, Charles
Wellington was two men.

A ruthless,
cutthroat businessman,

and more recently,
a kind philanthropist.

That man who got shot
in the park today,

that wasn't
no Charles Wellington.

That Wellington, he was
always a cheap (BLEEP)

no-good mother (BLEEP)
with a stick up his (BLEEP).

Now, the man
in the park today,
he was somebody else.

He was my brother.
I loved that man.

Chuck Wellington.

There will never be
another one like him.

(SOBBING) I can't
believe he's gone.

MAN: All right, that's it.
He's done.
No more questions.

Thanks, Ted.
Charles Wellington III,
dead at the age of 53.

He leaves behind
his wife Amber, a dog,
Elle, and a sizable...

LANCE: I don't want
you to forget me.

You're not gonna
forget me, right?

SONTEE: There's something
about your eyes.

LANCE:
Everything's all right.

Everything's all right.

The eccentric billionaire
left the bulk of his estate

to a number
of city charities,
his personal friends,

and his loyal
domestic staff.

Well, it's
Showtime at the Apollo
one last time

as the venerable
Harlem institution
closes its doors for good.

♪ I'm not wakin' up
tomorrow mornin'

♪ And findin' that
there's nobody there

♪ No, no, no, no way...

Hey, Whitney.
I haven't seen
you in a while.

What ya doin'
backstage?
How about a loan?

(CHUCKLES)
No. Stop it.

I'm... Guess I'm just,
uh, hangin' out.

Yeah. I miss
Booey, too.

♪ ...love me ♪

Thank you.
(ALL CHEERING)

M.C.: Phil Quon, Apollo.
Phil Quon.

Lance?
No, I'm Phil.

Sorry.

All right, how about
a hand for your next
act, Mr. Joe Guy?

Give it up
for Joe Guy.

Hey, Whit.
Oh, hey, Joe.

MAN: Make me laugh!

Apollo! Yeah!

So, what is it all about?

Looks? Looks will
determine everything.

You know, you
want people to judge
you by your character,

you know, what
you feel inside,
but nobody cares.

People, all they care
about is your looks.

I'm sorry, if you look good,
you're gonna have a good life.

You look bad,
ooh, you better
work on it.

That's right,
the uglier you are,
the smarter you better be.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
For every ten pounds
you are overweight,

you better pick up a book.

Or you better
get two books,

and get a computer
while you're at it.

Lance?

Oh, yeah. (LAUGHING)

That's right.
I was at the Knick
game the other day.

I'm looking at the seats.
The higher the seats got,

the uglier
the people got.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

If I was a usher,
I wouldn't even
need tickets.

I'd just look at faces.
"Whoo! You got
to go up top!"

One thing I love
about women.

Women can fall in love
with an ugly man and admit it.

Show him off to
all her friends
and the family.

He'd be the ugliest
guy in the world,

and they'd be so proud
of their ugly man.

They'll hold his hand
like, "I want you to
meet Kevin. (GASPS)

"I just want you
to meet Kevin.
He's a nice guy.

"I know he don't look
that good, but he's
good to me!"

Women cool like that.

Guys would never
admit to being in love
with an ugly woman.

We'll hide it to the death!
We ain't tellin' nobody!

That's right, we ain't
tellin' nobody.

"Hey, man,
heard you got married."
"Who told you that?"

That's it.

Life! What's life
all about, man?
What is it all about?

You want, you know, love.
Love, love, love, love, love.

You wanna be in love.
You want that new love.

That's right. You want that...
You want to feel
that first kiss again.

That's right, 'cause
that's the only real
kiss in a relationship,

is the first kiss.

That's right.
All the rest
of the kisses,

they're just,
they're just protocol.

Every other kiss
is just protocol.

That's all it is,
just routine.

Hey! You was gone.
You back. (KISSES)

Hey, we having sex.
(KISSES)

Hey, I miss you.
(KISSES)

It's all routine.
The first kiss is
the only real one,

'cause it always happens,
like, in the middle
of a conversation.

You don't even know
what you're talking about.
"Yeah, you know.

"Maybe someday I was
thinking about maybe
trying to get the Acura..."

(CHOKING)

You never know!
The first kiss is always
like double Dutch.

You're just sitting there
like, "When do I get in?
When do I get in?

"When do I get in?
When do I get in?
When do I get in?

"Ah! I'm kissing!
I'm kissing!

"I'm kissing!
I'm kissing!
I'm kissing!

"I'm kissing!
I'm kissing!"

Hey, I got to go.
Y'all be good.

(LAUGHS)

I'm loving this.

That's my dog.

Joe Guy, ladies
and gentlemen. Joe Guy.

The next act is also
a comedian. How about
a hand for Mr. Mike Green!

Whitney.

Lance.

They didn't boo.
They didn't boo!

(AUDIENCE BOOING)
Why don't they make the whole
damn thing out of a black box?

We are back
in business, huh?

I'm back, Whit.
You and me.

Lance, I'm proud of you.

(CHEERING)

Lance.
Mr. King.

Keyes.
Hey, Lance, congratulations.
You killed 'em!

We're cool, right?

Oh, we're cool, man.
We're real cool.

Lance, we got to talk.

Remember our deal?
Wellington was just
a temporary setup.

This is the real thing.
This is your body.

Start to set up house, kid,
'cause this is you.

All right, I'll sign
the lease right now.

I'll give you two
months in advance.

Joe, that was
the shiznit, son.

Listen to Phil Quon, kid.
You about to shine.

(INAUDIBLE)
Kid, listen to me.

When we leave,
you will be Joe Guy.

You won't remember Keyes,
you won't remember me.

LANCE:
Get outta here, man!

I'm gonna remember
you like you whooped
my ass in third grade.

(CHUCKLES) Lance,
you're not getting it.

You see, you won't remember
Charles Wellington, Sontee.

You won't
even remember
Lance Barton.

You will be Joe Guy.

What do you mean,
I won't remember Sontee?

I'm sorry, Lance.
You're sorry?

I got hit by a truck,
I got smashed
by a car, I got shot,

and now you wanna
take my soul?

What are you,
the Blair Witch?

Lance, I can't take your soul.

Nobody could do that.

Where you're from,
what you look like,

that's just clothing.

How am I supposed
to get Sontee

if I don't remember Sontee?

No, no, no, how am I
supposed to get Sontee

if Sontee
doesn't remember me?

The funny thing
about reincarnation, kid,

even when you're not you,
you're still you.

Don't worry. I got
a good feeling about this.

Don't worry?
I had a hard enough time

trying to get this girl
as a rich white man.

Do you know how hard it's
gonna be to try to get her
as a broke black man?

See you around, Joe.

That's what I'm talking about.
You and me on the road.

We could blow up, son!
Joe, are you all right?

Lance.

Lance!

(LAUGHS) Oh, man!

Hey, Lance, come on, man.
Let's celebrate.

I got some
big plans for us.

What are you
talking about?

Lance, come on.
Nobody else is around.

Why do you keep
calling me Lance?

(STUTTERS)

Look at me
for a second, will ya?

Lance.

Joe Guy.

Oh, you mean
your boy, Lance Barton.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You're still
dealing with that, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, I, uh...
Guess I am.

Look, Mr. Daniels...

Whitney.

Okay, Whitney,
I don't have a manager.

Would it be cool
to come by your office
and leave a tape?

You know, like, maybe
you could take me on?

Yeah. Sure.

Call me tomorrow, huh?

You're, uh...

You're a good kid.

Thanks a lot.

I'm gonna call
you tomorrow.

Right.

Joe Guy.

Joe Guy.

Don't act like
you don't know me.

No, man.

And you know what?
If you don't like the tape,

keep it to yourself.

Right, right.

It's gonna be all right.

Oh, um, excuse me.

I'm looking for
Whitney Daniels.

Uh, Whitney Daniels?
Yeah, just go straight.

You make a right
and go down the stairs.

When you get by
the dressing rooms,
he should be there.

Thanks.

Oh, I'm sorry,
but do you think
they'll let me back there?

Yeah, sure.
The show's been over
for about an hour.

Do I know you?

No.

No, no, seriously.
I'm not joking.

I just feel like
I've met you before.

Joe.

Joe Guy.
Sontee Jenkins.

Sontee.

Thanks.

Oh.

Last call at the Apollo.
We better get out of here
before they lock us in.

Give me your hand.
I know my way
around here.

Don't be scared.
Everything's all right.

What did you just say?

Everything's all right.
Like the song.

♪ Everything is all right ♪

It's just that when
you said that, it...

You're a comedian?

Do I sing that bad?

No, you were
on tonight.
How'd you do?

They didn't boo.

You know, they got
this after party...

I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to hold you up.

No, no, no, no, no.

I don't really
feel like going
to the after party.

You wanna get
something to eat?

Are you asking me out?

No, I just want
to feed you.

Yeah. I'm starved.

Nice shoes.
Thank you.

So, what do you do?

I'm into medicine.

What are you,
a drug dealer?

Watch it. No.

Actually, I own Brooklyn
Community Hospital.

You own a hospital?
I know Brooklyn Community.

My uncle went there
for a new liver

and they sent his ass
to the supermarket.

Hello, Sontee.
How're you doing, sir?

This your ride?
Yeah.

Well, if you want to keep it,
you better get it out of here.

This is nice!
Cisco.

What kind of mileage
you get on this?

Oh, pretty good.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Cocktails, Miss Jenkins?

So, are you the maid?
The maid?

Do I look like
the maid?
I'm the paid.

This is my friend Wanda.

And look at you.
Let you out of the
car for a minute,

and you're out there
picking up strays.

Did you know
your coat's bleeding?

Mind your business.

(POP SONG PLAYING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)
(SCREAMING)

You okay, Sontee?
I'm okay. You okay?

I'm okay.
Cisco, you okay?

I'm okay.
Wanda, you okay?

Hell, no!
I spilled my drink.

You know what?
You drink, I'm gonna drive.

Didn't I tell you to
keep an eye on him?

Yes, sir.
I'm so sorry, sir.

I was tying
my shoe, and when
I looked up, it was...

It won't happen
again, sir.

Cisco, you got
any music?

Here you go.

♪ With my mind on my money
and my money on my mind

♪ Rollin' down the street
smokin' endo

♪ Sippin' on gin and juice

♪ Laid back

♪ With my mind on my money
and my money on my mind

♪ Rollin' down the street
smokin' endo

♪ Sippin' on gin and juice

♪ Laid back

♪ With my mind on my money
and my money on my mind

♪ I got me some
Seagram's gin

♪ Everybody got they cups
but they ain't chipped in

♪ Now, this type of shit
happens all the time

♪ You gotta get yours
but, fool, I gotta get mine

♪ Everything is fine
when you listenin'
to the D-O-G

♪ I got the cultivating music
that be captivatin' he ♪

(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪