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[Bill] Doublesteen Productions. At least you're not watching A Talking Cat!?!.

[Mike] David M Goldstein.

The M is for movies, comma, bad ones.

[Bill] Ugggh!! Norman directed the movie

with his foot stuck in a toilet I assume.

[Kevin] Of course.

♪♪♪ [Mike] Oh, finally! the Buffalo Bill biopic we've all been waiting for!

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Ciint Howard. The Clint Howard of brothers.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] Turkey in the straw in an eight second loop, damn you!

♪♪♪ Aww!

[Mike] Yes. 20s gangsters plagued Wonder Years era suburbia.

[Kevin] The birth of Ben and Jerry's free cone day.

♪♪♪ Oh my god!

Gregory!

[Bill] Order me a chipwich!

Are you all right? Oh! Say something!

♪♪♪ No? Yes! What is it, my little (indistinct)

He was gonna bring me ice cream, mommy.

[Mike] What's that? Readily available at all super markets,

convenience stores and gas stations? Oh well. No big loss.

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Tell, my family you at least, checked my pulse.

♪♪♪ [Bill] Well, at least Batman is switching up his origin story for once.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] The controversial installment

"Where in the rest stop bathroom, is Carmen San Diego?"

(tapping) [Kevin] Kids love games where you stare at a still

image and press buttons that do nothing.

(tapping)

Mom! The ice cream man's here! The ice cream man's here!

[Bill] It's my day to gun him down in cold blood! Oh boy!

All right, all right! Let me get my change.

Roger? I don't want you going into my purse.

Sorry mom! Won't do it anymore!

You get back here right now! Roger!

[Mike] So she's the villain, right? Since she named an innocent baby "Roger"?

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Yeah. They put that same warning on Whizzo the Clown's set.

Um? Can I have an orange push up?

[Bill] Bra? I'm going through a phase.

♪♪♪ [Mike] We had a deal. Did you bring one of your mom's high heels?

♪♪♪ Hey. What's your problem mister?

[Kevin] Well, I'm Clint Howard.

♪♪♪ You didn't say "please". Oh man!

I could be a grandpa by the time you get your push up.

[Bill] His Canadian girlfriend, he met at camp, is pregnant.

Can I have a push up?

Please? (growling)

Hey Tuna!

[Mike] (laughs) It's young Andy Bernard.

Creamsicle. Bomb pop.

Next. ♪♪♪

Two Creamsicles and a bomb pop.

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Agh! Gross! Sorry, just thinking about plain cake ice cream cones.

Yo man! I said two Creamsicles and a bomb pop.

I don't need nuts. They give me gas.

[Bill] Nut allergy people found a way to get even more obnoxious.

That new ice cream dude's pretty freaky.

Maybe he's just different. Good ice cream is good ice cream.

Come on Rocketeers. To the park.

Race ya! Girls against boys!

Last one there is a rotten fart!

[Mike] Of all the days to leave the house with a pillow stuffed down my shirt.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Kid's reading it a ninth time. Trying to figure out what the hell "pied" means.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Bill] My Girl Three.

Twarted by an EpiPen, Dee sent an old perv to take out Thomas J.

Girls win! Hey! Watch it!

Hey! Up yours! You had a head start. Watch your mouth!

At least you're not the rotten fart again!

Hey guys, I've been waiting. Hey Rocketeer.

[Mike] We found the only four kids in America who saw The Rocketeer.

(Kevin laughs)

You guys got ice cream huh?

Yeah bomb pop. Your always get bomb pop.

They're cool looking.

[Kevin] It's the ice cream that most resembles the tip of a dog's penis.

(grunting) Damn!

[Bill] Aww, can't you find a REAL fat kid to humiliate?

Tuna? You're not gonna?

[Mike] Lard ass Hogan thinks this kid is a bit over the top.

Gross! Tuna!

Ugh. Anybody want a bite?

No thanks. Most viral contagions are passed through oral submission.

[Kevin] Whoo! Oral submissions!

Hey Small Paul? What's the book?

Pied Piper. The kids threw pies at him.

Get it? Pied Piper?

[Bill] The sand eating suddenly makes a lot more sense.

With rats by enchanting them with music.

Obviously you missed one of the big ones.

[Mike] That's great.

Anyone else really need to barf?

Then, he got the kids. What kids? Of the town.

The adults were trying to stiff the piper for the job he did on the rent.

[Kevin] I'm not really holding the book?

What makes you think I need to be told the plot?

All the kids down to the river. And drowned them.

Just like the rats.

That's what happens when you don't pay the piper!

[Bill] Now get off! I want a turn!

Well, actually I think the kids got away.

Oh. I thought they all drowned?

Naa. Kids always get away.

[Mike] Hey! I wonder How my buddy Augustus Gloop is doing?

Kids!

[Kevin] I guess I was here too.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Bill] I'm depressed because the ice cream man was mean to me.

Oh boy! The ice cream man! That'll cheer me up!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] Needle in the head!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ Ice cream man?

You feel okay?

[Kevin] Ugh. Garfield pops?

Hey give me Hubert and Reba pops or get the hell out of here!

Hey little boy.

Ice cream man feels uh? Very happy.

[Bill] Tom Waits just wrote a song about me.

Well!

[Mike] I will do just about any role won't I?

Weary pilgrims back from a hard day's adventure?

Hi Mr. Langley? You okay, Tuna?

Yeah.

I just need to rest after carrying these babies home.

Oh yeah, right!

[Kevin] Tuna, never touch my daughter.

Worked up an appetite. Yes dad.

Well boys, if Mrs Langley and I had known you were coming,

we would have set a place.

Oh, that's all right. We've gotta get going.

Be safe boys. Godspeed.

[Bill] A lot of direct to video movies out there. Guard your careers carefully.

♪♪♪

[Mike] I should really turn this into one of those food trucks, that charges the same

as restaurants. Even though you eat while sitting on a curb.

(humming)

[Kevin] Airbud's loser brother, Clint Bud. (Bill laughs)

Hello puppy! (dog barks)

[Bill] What's that boy? Trouble at the old mill?

There's a new mill undercutting its prices? That's capitalism boy.

(dog barks)

[Mike] Care for a treat with inexplicable Flintstones branding?

(dog barks) Are we having a bad day?

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Rat's rot a rife!

(dog whimpers)

[Bill] Oh Career, oh Career! Wherefore art thou Career?

Who's there?

♪♪♪ Happy day, nurse Wharton.

[Mike] But soft? What freak through yonder window acts?

No, Nurse Wharton. I did not hear your dog.

What's that? On your nose?

[Kevin] How did you get forehead on your nose?

It's grenadine.

From my ice cream treats.

[Bill] Damn! I was hoping for child blood.

Very nice. I swear I heard Binky cry.

Well you know, Nurse Wharton? Your hearing is not what is used to be.

[Mike] So, since I'm going deaf, I would hear more dogs?

Unpack the truck, the ice cream melts. Bye!

Oh, he's such a happy boy! My little Gregory.

[Kevin] Nurse Wharton's wardrobe from the Mary Bailey,

if she never met George collection. ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Bill] (deep voice) Oh yeah. Knit that tea cozy, baby.

♪♪♪ [Mike] Well, whatever it is, Henry Slinkman just bought three of them.

Did you see this?

My son shoots me dead for going thirty in a twenty five zone.

Hey, when I become a cop, there's no more flesh and blood.

It's just me and the law.

[Kevin] Son, you're clearly 32. Get a place of your own.

We are very proud of you, Jacob.

Very proud. Where's Racer?

Sorry I'm late. I was at Heather's and Tuna's mom picked me up.

What kind of name is that? Tuna?

(goofy voice) Tuna! Tuna!

[Bill] Sir, you have bested the twelve year old boy who isn't even present.

Your seat at the algonquin round table awaits!

(phone rings) Never heard of "tuna". "Honey, what should we name the kid?"

Hello?

[Mike] Poster of her most texted emoji back there. (Kevin laughs)

Really? You're kidding me!

Well maybe he just lost his way home?

No. Where somebody tell me where I lost control?

Okay. Honey will you save me?

The inmates have taken over.

[Kevin] That was Nancy. She said I married a tool?

♪♪♪ Johnny? Did you see little Roger Smith today?

♪♪♪ He was at the park. Why?

Because he hasn't come home yet. His mother's worried sick.

[Bill] That he might eventually show up again.

♪♪♪ Did she call the police? Not yet.

Johnny, I don't want you out after dark anymore, okay?

[Mike] Aww. At least wait to they find his hacked up corpse.

Why don't you and Janet take him to the movies tomorrow?

This is great.

I'm definitely not going to a G film.

[Kevin] Boyz in the Hood, New Jack City. That sort of thing.

♪♪♪

(singing) Be happy! Happy! Happy! Happy!

[Bill] The end of 2001 never made any sense to me.

Whoo! ♪♪♪ Open wide, Gregory.

[Mike] A rare misstep for the Make a Wish Foundation.

♪♪♪ Gregory?

Are you all right, Gregory?

[Kevin] I mean it looks like you're doing great! (Bill laughs)

Rent's due in a couple of days.

Four gallons? Five.

And I want rocky road. I'll make it special, Nurse Wharton.

[Bill] With real possum milk.

Glad I can watch over you, Gregory.

Besides, this old parlor was starting to look like a lost soul to me.

[Mike] Parlor not pictured for budgetary reasons.

I do so wish you'd plant one in my yard.

I'll bring the ice cream tomorrow. That'll be just fine.

[Kevin] Then, after the ice cream, our traditional rent day sex.

♪♪♪ [Bill] (deep voice) Oh I gotta lay off the everclear milkshakes. (growls)

So take the bus back, and don't be late, or mom will kill me.

Then I'll have to kill you, okay? Yeah, yeah. No problem.

Oh yeah? Lose some weight fish boy!!

[Kevin] Whoo. I got kicked out of the theatre

when I shouted that during The Shape of Water.

Hey dad!

[Bill] How's the Washington Monument business going?

Son. And his tag team.

Yeah. We just saw a movie. Oh yeah? What?

Target to Kill? Sleeping Beauty.

[Mike] Son, get out of my office.

This weekend. Don't tell your mother. (phone rings)

Mark Kasera. Hey, gorgeous!

Keeping that oven heated up? It's your mom.

[Kevin] Ah. I assumed it was a plumber. Of COURSE it's mom.

She's really pretty.

Martin? I really want to see you tonight. Yeah, I can't wait.

(giggles) I'll see you tonight, then.

[Bill] Sadly that was his plumber.

Well. (clears throat) Dad's gotta get back to work.

But. Eh eh eh!

Later.

[Mike] Thanks for stopping by long enough to establish me as a B plot son.

Um, by the way? What's mom cooking in the oven?

[Kevin] Uh? Sorry son. Late for my 3pm adultery.

[Bill] He's a pepper. (Kevin laughs)

♪♪♪ [Bill] The clown mask is his air freshener. Smells like Faygo.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Scene of him replacing the word "four"

available on five hour director's cut.

We've got a missing kid.

Thought you might have seen something. ♪♪♪

Little guy never made it home from the park last night.

[Kevin] Found traces of rock salt, milk, and vanilla at the scene. We're baffled!

Classified, ice cream man. It's classified.

All he wants you to do is keep your eyes open for us.

[Bill] If you see yourself kill anyone else, please give us a call.

Who am I looking for? Anything strange.

So how about some of that world famous hard pack I've been hearing about?

[Mike] It's famous because it's the only place to use the term "hard pack".

Two scoops in a sugar cone. It'll be two dollars.

[Kevin] Meanwhile, the missing boy's mom sobs as she sticks her head in the oven.

Got a buck I can borrow?

♪♪♪ [Bill] The beloved short story, "Entrails for Algernon".

♪♪♪ [Mike] Eh. This is still better than having

to listen to teens half heartedly sing a Cold Stone Creamery tip song.

[Kevin] Ugh.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Ugh! Gross! He's getting hard pack all over his hands!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Bill] Here, they're predicting what audience members

will do after watching the movie.

Yep.

[Mike] Yeah. Give me a real marshmallow,

made out of gelatin extracted from horse hooves any day.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Eh? No thanks, Leon. Here you go, detective.

Just for you.

Hey! Now that's an ice cream cone. Mm!

What's in it?

[Bill] Yeah. A normal question humans ask about a complex dish like, ice cream.

Classified.

Whoo. you're a quick one, ice cream man. You're a quick one.

What do you think, officer?

[Mike] Was it a black guy? Mexican guy? White guy?

but one who's a little too tan?

We'll find your boy. Can we buy you an ice cream?

No thanks.

[Kevin] I've been stress puking bile all morning.

Just find my kid okay?

Can we buy you an ice cream? What? I was trying to cheer her up.

♪♪♪ [Bill] Based on this shot alone, the movie now qualifies as torture porn.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Okay. Okay.

[Kevin] S & L's Victoria Jackson, like you've never seen her before.

Ahh. Ladies first.

[Mike] It's like if the mannequin in Mannequin never de-mannequined.

♪♪♪ I'd like to buy a gallon of your "hard pack".

Do you deliver? No.

[Kevin] No??? You literally drive a delivery truck!

That cute little house right over there. Come any time. (laughs)

Charming.

[Bill] My farts are MUCH juicier than that.

[Kevin] Bill.

♪♪♪ Man! She stank!

You should talk!

[Mike] Hey! I have a dead tooth.

How many whales they killed to make all that perfume?

They don't kill whales for perfume anymore.

Next?

Perfume? Next!

[Kevin] Come on kids! I've got Phillip Glass tickets! I'm cultured!

Three hard packs and a bomb pop.

Make mine a fudgesicle.

Yeah and make mine a hard pack. Risky of you.

[Bill] Hard pack.

Um? Three hard packs.

[Bill] Stop it!!

Plain, sugar or waffle cone?

[Bill] Not charging extra for waffle cone?

I'll have plain.

Actually make mine plain too.

Any other alterations?

[Mike] Nah. Better script, actual performers, a plot. You know? The usual.

[Bill] Different movie.

♪♪♪

(indistinct whispers)

[Kevin] Wow! Somebody finally got Gordon Ramsay!

[Bill] (bleep) you Mike! You (bleep) freeze me! (Kevin laughs)

Three!

Hard packs. And your fudgsicle.

[Mike] You can always tell when a guy has practiced

saying "fudgsicle" in a mirror, cant you?

[Bill] Hard pack.

Last one ahead is (indistinct) Oh man!

[Kevin] People are actually gonna see me in this, aren't they?

♪♪♪

One four nine.

[Bill] That equals twelve. ♪♪♪

There are no bad days, Gregory. Only happy.

Happy. Happy days.

[Mike] Now get the happy, happy happy

electrodes and hook him to his happy, happy, happy sack.

♪♪♪ Now. What kind of day are you having, Gregory?

[Kevin] Hey! Any day of feeding eyeball to the man is a good day. ♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] I changed my mind again. I'm painting the four back on.

Uh, guys? I'm gonna go on alone okay?

Can we play tomorrow?

Yeah. All right. I'll see you guys later, okay?

All right. Later.

[Mike] Enjoy your inexplicably british father.

♪♪♪

(making barking noises)

[Kevin] Ladies and gentlemen, the screenwriter. (Bill laughs)

(indistinct)

Come quickly!

[Bill] Mother's free styling and her flow is sick!

The archangel Gabriel is speaking through your mother again!

Heather? You know?

Heather's been acting a lot weirder around her mom, lately.

[Mike] Her family's B plot doesn't seem to fit in at all.

They just talk about God.

That's not it. It's just. I don't know.

She's just acting weird.

[Kevin] Like the other day, she rejected fresh water economic theory.

Uh? We just had ice cream.

Can you ever have too much ice cream? Impossible.

[Bill] I'd sell out both of you for just one sweet taste.

Come to my house!

I gotta get home.

Tuna?

Nah. My mom sort of gets mad about all the ice cream I spill on my shirts.

[Mike] The downside of wearing shirts the size of a revival tent.

What?? Now Small Paul's trying to pin the rotten egg on me!

(laughing) I'll see if I ever invite you to my birthday party!

What??

I didn't do anything! ♪♪♪

[Kevin] Um, yes? I'd like to buy ice cream in

a dark, lonely place where no one will hear my scream please?

♪♪♪

Oh. Well, well.

[Bill] He's into zumba too?

What do we have here?

[Bill] He really is a monster.

Want some ice cream?

Um?

Uh? Maybe not.

Too close to dinner.

[Mike] We're having ice cream! What's your favorite flavor?

No wait, wait wait!

Let me guess! Let me guess! Don't say anything!

I, uh? Uh. It's uh?

I can taste it,.

[Kevin] Uh moose tracks or organ meat?

Butter brickle? How did you know that?

Because it's my favorite flavor too!

[Bill] Hop into my time machine and we can go back to the 30s and have some.

(door creaks)

[Mike] Hm. Freezer or the suit case from Pulp Fiction? Wow!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ You like my ice cream truck?

[Kevin] It's for sale. I've decided to pursue my love of Neoclassical ballet.

Never saw the inside before.

You know, it's hard to meet friends when you're always stuck on the inside.

I know.

I had to stay inside a lot when I was little.

[Bill] I was a wet willy magnet.

Because I was really sick.

That's why I'm so small. You know?

I was sick too when I was little. But I'm better now.

[Mike] (hoarse voice) Nothing a lozenge or ten can't fix, anyway.

Here you go.

Wow! I don't think I have enough money for that!

My treat.

[Kevin] Is that what you use to floss your giant Clint Howard teeth?

♪♪♪ [Bill] Come on. That's like the 20th least weird thing he's done so far.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] Aww, man! He gets dragged into the back of all the best trucks!

Hey! Little boy! You want some free ice cream?

[Kevin] I've got butter brickle! Trust me!

It still tastes good even if you're not 80 years old!

Aww. This little fella got hurt.

I'm gonna take him to the hospital.

[Bill] Chuck Taylors.

Now he knows he's either a kid from a distant past or an adult from the present.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

You little turds are gonna have to learn you can't run from the ice cream man!

[Mike] Too late! Already did!

I know where you live! You tell anybody!!

I'm gonna get your mom and dad!

♪♪♪ [Kevin] I wonder if he was serious about getting my mom and dad.

Because that's one sweet offer.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ Who's that?

What's the matter?

[Bill] I've gotten Mark Ruffalo hair.

How long have you been here?

All night. The ice cream man.

He. ♪♪♪

He killed the park guy. [Mike] It was awesome.

He killed Small Paul.

♪♪♪ So what do we do?

My dad will know what to do.

[Kevin] He can ask his mistress. She's a genius!

I'll follow you to your house, and go through the backyard until I get to mine.

Come on! I drove by the bank an hour ago.

And the whole place was shut up. Dark as a tomb.

So? I drove by the bar after I get off. What of it?

[Mike] No you didn't! The bar was dark as two tombs!

That's how I measure darkness.

♪♪♪ Mister!

Shoes on the porch. You know the rules!

[Kevin] Sadly mom never made a "no banging floozies." rule.

You know? I work late and I go to the bar.

Mom! I saw.

Come on Mary, just admit it.

You think I'm seeing someone else.

Think? I know you're seeing somebody else Martin! Come on Martin!

Who is it? Tell me? Let's not do this again.

Dad, I? Not now Chris. Go to your room!

[Bill] Adults are showing off unfortunate dental work, Chris.

Go to your room!

Made a promise of my longer hours.

Come on! Why don't you just admit it? Stop working the facade!

How many times are we gonna go through this? To hell with you.

Oh, sure. That'll solve everything huh? To hell with me.

[Mike] This brings shame to my victorian ancestors.

[Bill] (laughs) Dutifully archived.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Kevin] All right. That's it. I either gotta get a smaller car,

or cut back on my child stalking.

These gas prices are killing me here!

What the hell is that ice cream dork doing out this late?

[Bill] This town has a strict curfew for dorks!

[Mike] Hey kid! I'm looking for the set of "Are You Afraid of the Dark?". A little help?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] Aww. I'm gonna grow up to be David Spade. I just know it.

(birds chirping) Come on, Tuna! Let's go!

We've gotta make it to the store and back before the pinocchle game.

[Kevin] You know? My weekly lingerie pinocchle?

Let's go then. God, Tuna, you can make a mess.

Go find another pair. Come on! Let's go!

[Mike] Golden Corral's new... Dang. Can't quite make that work.

[Kevin] It's close.

[Bill] The spirit is right.

♪♪♪ [Bill] Got the shoulder pads on. Ready to throw some blocks.

Hey Sam! Morning Miss Kasera! Nice to see ya!

[Kevin] Oh! Juan Valdez shops there! (Mike laughs)

[Bill] (laughs) Hey Juan.

[Mike] The irony is that kid actor is now stocking those very shelves as his career.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Just gonna grab an iced tranya here!

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Gahhhh! Just saw my own reflection!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] Wow. He's eating mexican cheese blend, straight from the package.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Always awkward when you run into someone

and have to think "Wait a minute. Did I abduct and murder his friend?"

Trust me. (Mike laughs) It's awkward.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Gah! The guy from the movie Solo! It was so bad!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] One of Brawny paper towels least successful ad campaigns.

(panting) Mom!

[Bill] Fleshy Tonya Harding!

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Okay. He keeps passing by the cracker isle.

Doesn't he know that they can be enjoyed at any time?

At home? On the go? At the beach!

♪♪♪

[Mike] Scariest part is he didn't bring his Ralph's club card.

So everything cost three times as much.

♪♪♪ [Bill] Bought his tie at Build a Bear store.

Oh, oh, excuse me?

What do think of this color? I don't know either.

I mean according to my color charts it should work.

But last time I followed those,

I ended up looking a clown, spotted with cherry syrup.

[Kevin] Oh sure. That common description of buying the wrong shade of lipstick.

Looks good on you! Get a dozen! ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] Oh my god! (Bill and Kevin) What? What!!

[Mike] I suspect not all their produce is locally sourced!

(guys scream)

[Bill] Just stab me now, ice cream man!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Kevin] And now the grocery witch comes

and drags him to hell for not breading his own zucchini.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Hardly matters. Look at that rust. Kid's dead from tetanus anyway.

♪♪♪ [Mike] (laughs) Wow. Radical Jack levels of stealth. (Kevin laughs) ♪♪♪

[Kevin] Clint got distracted wondering why

Marie's salad dressings weren't in the damn salad dressing aisle!

[Bill] Don't worry. It's not him. (Mike and Kevin sigh)

[Bill] It's notorious child killer Rubber Boot Jim!

[Kevin] Oooh!

[Mike] Ahhh!

It's okay, little fella. Not gonna hurt you.

♪♪♪ what on earth do you suppose he was running from?

I don't know.

[Mike] Wait. How much FOR the El Molina hulled sesame seeds? I must know!

By the way, you're not gonna take us to court are you?

Chris, what happened?

Oh honey. I'm here.

[Kevin] Where? I can't see you! Oh there.

Chris? Unless you tell me what happened, mommy can't help you.

He said he kill you if I told.

[Bill] The Hamburglar that is. He's way darker than anyone ever imagined.

The ice cream man. He killed Small Paul last night.

Oh my god. Oh honey.

[Mike] Let's just end this scene. It's not going anywhere. (Kevin laughs)

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Shot with an eight millimeter camera

the director borrowed from his nephew.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Hundred degrees. It's a flannel shirt day, right?

Nice to see you again, officers?

You Gregory Tudor?

Yes. Yes I am. Give him the warrant.

[Mike] What can I ugly for you, officers? I mean do.

What can I do for you officers?

Can I keep this? You got any large dogs, ice cream man?

No.

[Kevin] Although my thouands of body lice are trained to attack cops.

♪♪♪ (police radio heard)

Why this search, officers? I want you to go through everything.

[Bill] Uh sir. We're barred by law. The sign clearly says deliveries only.

Got it? Yes sir.

Hell, I remember getting ice cream here when I was a kid.

[Mike] Half my friends got murdered. Good times!

Brickle. Fudge brickle. Oh yeah.

The ice cream king.

It's nice to see somebody's opening the place up again.

Well, sounds like we're missing out on all the fun.

(crashing heard)

[Kevin] Uh, my brother's having a barbecue today.

And Brian Grazier might come by? Can I go?

[Bill] No!

[Kevin] Awww!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ (glass breaks)

[Mike] My ice cream shop that for some reason, looks

like a place a guy in Good Fellas got kicked to death!

(indistinct)

Search a little? More carefully.

♪♪♪ Hey uh?

[Bill] My beautiful spider web covered crap!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Oh sir? He's a grown man, who seems to be into My Little Pony. Isn't that odd?

[Mike] Well it is now. These backward times of 1995.

But perhaps someday it will be appreciated.

Road stands that actually, is. Someday!

Jesus! Hate to get my hand caught in that!

[Bill] Yeah Derek.

No need to always point out the

dangerous things you wouldn't stick your hand into.

You find anything? There's nothing down here sir.

Do you realize, how long it takes to make Butter Brickle?

[Kevin] Yeah. And to do in hard pack requires an extra six weeks.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] Now he peels off his top shirt to reveal a deep plunging V neck. Oh yeah.

[Kevin] Mike?

[Bill] Oh yeah.

♪♪♪ [Bill] His father, Thomas "Ice cream man" senior.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] He's very cutting edge with his food truck

slash brick and mortar slash child murder operation.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Derek the cop comes back in to reiterate

how much he'd hate to get his hands get caught n that

♪♪♪

Well, ice cream man. We're sorry. We didn't find anything.

[Bill] Well, we found horse pornography. But sadly that's not illegal.

My place. Or are you just sorry you didn't find anything?

You boys have the wrong house! I'm the one with the missing dog!

Hold it! Where were you last night?

Around six? He was here. Working to pay his rent.

[Kevin] Oh thanks character from a Far Side cartoon.

I'm the one with a missing dog. Who are you?

I'm Nurse Wharton. Gregory's landlord, neighbor, and guardian.

Serve and protect my ass.

[Mike] Serve and protect my ass.

that's what Jennifer Lopez tells her body guards.

[Bill] Hey!

[Kevin] Whoo!

I'm the ice cream man. I make children happy.

[Bill] Okay. Pretty obviously reading right off the script now.

Many days to come.

You understand the consequences?

[Kevin] Ah, he looked up at the end. Which means he did memorize the word consequences.

Yeah! I bet you didn't!

You call this number tomorrow.

Tell them what happened.

[Mike] it's Imagine Entertainment. Maybe they'll want to make a movie out of it.

(guys laugh)

You know? Those daisies are magnificent.

How do you do that?

[Bill] (laughs) How does he stick plastic novelty daisies in the ground?

Is Jan Michael Vincent currently on drugs?

Make great fertilizer.

[Kevin] Thank you movie. For making us all question what a joke is?

You know?

There's something weird going on here.

[Mike] Some sort of direct to video thing or whatever?

You got a hunch?

Let's put a tail on him anyway.

[Bill] Make it fuzzy. Like a lemur tail.

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Ha! Daisies! Ha! Ha ha! Er? Um?

[Bill] Yeah. I guess?

[Mike] Jan Michael? Can I have some drugs?

I'm sure your dog is around here somewhere. That's very sweet of you, Gregory.

You have a happy day.

[Mike] Maybe have lunch with Ron? Oh, right. He won't take your calls.

Remember, no bad days, Gregory. Only happy.

Happy. Happy days.

[Bill] You know? That successful show your brother was on?

That paid for the damage deposit for your apartment in Culver City?

[Kevin] Yes! I know! (Bill laughs)

♪♪♪

[Mike] If any cops would like to get their hands caught in it?

[Bill] I wouldn't!

[Mike] Yes! We know, Derek!

(Bill indistinct)

[Kevin] Re-arranging his sherbets.

Wondering why everybody pronounces it with an R, like sherbert.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Bill] This is what Macaulay Culkin's actual childhood was like.

[Mike] Only the ice cream man was?

[Bill] Was Michael Jackson.

Yes. ♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Kevin] I want to get my hand caught in that!!

[Bill] Not now.

[Kevin] Ohh!

♪♪♪

Oh no. Don't worry. I'm not gonna hurt ya.

[Mike] Uh, whoo.

[Kevin] I just need you to razor off my bunions. (Mike laughs)

What do you think, little boy?

[Bill] I think I'd like to write mom and dad a letter about how much fun I'm having.

What do you think I think????

Having a bad day? Yeah.

You're right.

Not every day is a happy, happy, happy day.

[Kevin] Like that time I sat on a wooden bench

in the locker room and snagged my nut sack on a nail.

That was only a happy, happy day. (buzzing)

[Mike] It's not scary. It's just a very poorly installed ceiling fan. (Bill laughs)

[Bill] Doll head and cone storage. You know that's just smart.

Ice cream, professor?

[Kevin] He has a disease where he sees academic titles where are there none.

Butter brickle?

[Kevin] Very rare.

[Mike] You know, a kid wearing that shirt can not look down his nose at anything.

[Bill] Uh, officer Derek, any thoughts?

[Kevin] Only concerned about hands! Sorry!

[Bill] Okay. ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] You think they'll ever put Clint Howard

in a high budget movie about the space program? Naa.

Nobody's that stupid.

Small Paul is dead.

[Bill] Body glove? Is that you? ♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Now's my chance to find out what kickball tastes like!

♪♪♪

[Mike] Hard pack? Is that you?

No one else seems to think anything's wrong.

But how could they let him die?

♪♪♪ All I know.

Is I'm not letting him get us.

All the grown ups worry about their stupid problems.

[Bill] Stupid adults probably don't even make good

avocado toast! Ha ha! Millenials right? (Mike laughs)

[Bill] Burn! Took them to school!

Murderers. We're just kids.

Who get killed.

[Kevin] And why is our art hung so low on the wall?

Look, Tuna. I know you've been through a lot more than we have.

But we gotta do something! Why? Why is it up to us?

Why can't we just stay in our backyards and just keep away from him?

Because we're the Rocketeers and we stick together.

[Mike] Naturally we're the Rocketeers because we own one toy rocket.

We're doing this.

The three of us. We'll need a camera.

We can take a picture of him and give it to the police.

[Bill] Yes, you might say we can do "it".

If we're penny wise and pound foolish and we don't clown around!

[Kevin] Oh Bill.

[Bill] I love me.

[Kevin] Just go to hell.

[Bill] Okay. Ha! Ha!

[Kevin] No no. It's Hee Haw! Your favorite show is Hee Haw!

You said you could? I don't want to look stupid.

I've got news for you.

Shut up. I can hear you guys all the way in the backyard.

Let's go.

[Mike] And they're both instantly blinded by

rocket cones when they bike over the curb.

♪♪♪ Okay guys.

It's 11:45. We've been out 35 minutes. Let's take a break.

[Bill] Take a break after being out for 35 minutes?

You make Teamsters look diligent. But, okay.

Maybe ice cream man thinks he's the Pied Piper.

Huh?

Well, he drives around in his truck playing the music.

And all the kids come running.

[Kevin] Yeah. So do Frisbee and arm pit fart on KROC 107.

But I'm pretty sure they're not Pied Pipers.

Let's not talk about that right now.

♪♪♪ Get down!

[Mike] I don't want that handsome ice cream man to see me in this outfit. ♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] Stupid Jan Michael Vincent. I'm better looking than him now!

Google it, people. (Kevin laughs)

Jan Michael Vincent, 2018.

Come on! Tuna!

[Mike] Come on Tuna is what I scream at the guys working behind the sushi bar.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Kevin] ET is in that basket. Well, ET's remains. Found him in a ditch

all dried out. ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Bill] (sings) Like a rock!

[Mike] The official step band of sawed off, dumbass, pecker woods like Clint Howard.

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Runs into Jeffrey Dahmer going the other way.

"Hey! Did you drill a hole in his skull to control his thoughts?"

[Bill] Uh no.

[Kevin] Amateur!

♪♪♪ [Mike] Poor guy. No one wanted to come to his garbage funeral.

♪♪♪ Tuna, come on!

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Hey guys! This rocket doesn't look too phallic, does it?

♪♪♪

[Bill] Hurry up. We're missing Clint Howard's performance art piece.

[Mike] Is there a reason the Rocketeers

need to be dressed like south american rebels?

Where the hell's he going? Shh.

Small Paul!

[Kevin] Nice of him to give him to give Paul a proper graveyard burial though.

I want to go back! I want to go back!

What's he doing to Small Paul?

[Bill] I go through a similar ritual every time

I take a dump on Orville Redenbacher's grave.(Kevin laughs)

[Bill] What? You celebrate Christmas your way,

I. Ice cream?

I'm fixing up a little party for ya.

[Mike] Invited Dracula and the Wolfman.

Came up with the idea working in the lab late one night.

Looks like you've got a lot of friends.

[Kevin] I once had some imaginary friends. But they all died by my hand.

How much ice cream I bring, you can pass it out later.

I'm doing really good.

[Bill] Just last week I surpassed Hannibal Lechter in livers eaten!

They love ice cream. (laughs)

It's gonna be a good summer.

[Mike] He can't wait for everyone to see his new Speedo. (Kevin laughs)

Hey, would you mind your business?

I'm talking to somebody.

Guys having a party?

[Kevin] I like parties. Oh wait. No it's murder. Murders. That's what I like.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Emotional or gastric distress? Can't really tell.

♪♪♪ [Mike] Sorry. I was thinking about today's Beetle Bailey just then.

♪♪♪ You have a happy, happy day.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Kevin] You know, he tries to act happy.

But he knows in his heart he'll never get the

same respect as his brother, Ron, ice cream man.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Sure is getting noisy around here.

[Bill] Or maybe that's just the screaming goats in my head. ♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] Say a quick prayer to my pagan ice cream god!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Kevin] There goes the last shred of his dignity. Crushed beneath his butt.

[Bill] Next on the agenda?

Leaving a box of extra crispy on Colonel Sander's grave.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] I'm having so much fun!

We should follow deranged lunatics around more often!

Fudge brickle.

Ice cream cake.

[Kevin] You guys should really learn to read, like me.

Let's go. Yeah.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Bill] Ice cream prince. But if the ice cream king is dead,

shouldn't he have inherited the ice cream throne?

[Kevin] I don't know.

[Bill] Ice cream monarchy. Confusing.

[Mike] Get a less conspicuous vehicle? Like the weiner mobile?

I lost track of Tuna. We'd batter go back. You go.

[Kevin] I'm indifferent to his fate.

I'll be fine. Just give me your bike so I can have a rocket.

I don't think so. Don't worry. I'm a Rocketeer!

Just make sure Tuna didn't fall or something.

Meet me back here, all right? And hurry!

[Bill] I don't want to get killed all by myself. ♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] She sleeps under a reptile heating lamp.

Because why should reptiles get all the heat?

[Kevin] Yeah.

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Remember kids. Always be sure to watch for passing

cars when you walk across the street to a psychopath's vehicle.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Bill] Ugh. These Nutty Buddy cravings are gonna be the death of me.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] He must have a very bribable health inspector. ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Well gotta say so far, Stranger Things,

season three feels like a big step down.

♪♪♪ Tuna! Are you okay?

No! What's wrong? My sides are killing me.

I feel like I want a puke! Hey, where's Heather?

I left her back at the ice cream truck.

[Bill] Sweet! I'm gonna go puke on her.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Small Paul.

[Mike] Also, no mint chocolate chip? Really?

♪♪♪

Ahhh! Holy shit!

Kid's got a gun!

[Kevin] Idiot Cop will be back, right after this.

[Bill] (laughs) This isn't a game, boys.

There's a child stalker out there. And you two are playing cops and robbers.

But what about Heather?

[Bill] Cops and robbers. Was is it? 1925. I've already called it in.

There's someone already on the way to her house.

She's not at her house!! You guys want to end up on a milk carton?

[Mike] You know what? Don't bother answering. Our scene's over.

(knock)

[Kevin] Ugh. It's probably those nocturnal Mormans again.

I'm sorry to disturb you Reverend Langley.

But we had a report that your daughter Heather was missing.

She's tucked away in bed. Has been all night.

[Bill] I have omniscient dad powers.

I hate to do this, sir. But could you please check on her?

[Mike] Well, all right. But it's far too late for this sort of daft wankery.

[Kevin] Ah yes. Old timey clown puppets. Very popular with

90s kids.

[Bill] (British accent) Terribly sorry to do this darling.

But the barbies are really on my arse!

[Mike] How does dad still smell like garlic bread?

We haven't had italian food for a week! ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Wonder how many fruit rollups I could hock this for?

♪♪♪

She's sleeping like a baby.

Come to church on Sunday, Charles.

I'm giving a sermon on trust.

[Bill] I hope you don't mind if I compare you to Satan in it.

♪♪♪

(sighs) Damn! The Langley girl's fine, sleeping like a baby. 10-4.

[Mike] He didn't say "good buddy"? How rude!

First the ice cream man kills the Weatherly boy, and now the Langley girl?

We've had it up to here.

[Kevin] Oh no! I turned the movie off! Sorry. (Mike laughs)

When do you want them? It says one hour.

You could get our duplicates. Or you could get our eight hour service for.

[Bill] They found a guy who out Clint Howard's Clint Howard!

Depends on how many exposures come out. I need those immediately.

Four by six over size, is? $14 bucks.

Three by five regular. How soon?

[Mike] I'm not missing Rocko's Modern Life for this!

$14 bucks. One day.

Twelve. Back in an hour.

[Kevin] I can't wait until advances in digital technology put that guy out of business.

[Mike] I heard that.

♪♪♪ [Bill] Lucky bastards got assigned to nap duty.

♪♪♪

[Mike] (deep voice) Hey guys! I got you some murder cream!

I mean some ice murder! I mean I! I'm dumber than you.

The ice cream man is like the Pied Piper. Only evil.

[Kevin] Is the Pied Piper known for his staunch morality?

He drives around in his truck, tempting all the kids. And they follow him.

Then slowly, he gets rid of them.

Like rats.

[Mike] Remember how that old guy spelled it out in detail an hour ago? It's like that.

Lovely. We only need ten dollars worth of quarters.

And we can pick up the film.

I think we've got it.

[Kevin] I stole this from the piggy bank man.

Hopefully that won't come back to haunt us?

Johnny? Yeah?

What the hell are you doing with my camera? Where's the film!?

[Bill] If you saw any dick pics, they were for art class.

Where's the film? Let's go. I got it.

Let's go.

♪♪♪ [Mike] Well, he was voted most likely to lurk outside somebody's private pool.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] This is just Clint Howard after hours. He didn't notice the camera.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Bill] So, she's into the concept of "having sex", generally speaking.

[Mike] Yeah. She's horny for horniness.

[Kevin] Silver shadow two. When you want your luxury car to sound like

the sequel to a homemade super hero movie.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Now off to my lunch with Terri Silver of Dynatax Industries. What the hell?

♪♪♪ Hey! Get that hunk of junk out of here!

[Mike] Didn't Adam Driver say that in Last Jedi?

[Kevin] Pretty much word for word. Yep! In a hurry here! Yo!

Come on! This isn't a parking lot!

[Bill] He was mopey about it.

Ice cream man! (screams)

Hunk of junk.

[Bill] Lego my Eggo!

[Mike] (laughs) Come on ice cream man. The perfect kill quip was right there.

Well, hello!

[Kevin] Hmmm. Bloody Clint Howard strip o gram. Hello!

Never would have made it through the door.

I brought you something special.

Whoo. Sounds yummy!

You know? We should swap recipes?

Creamsicle, for a custard pie.

(laughs)

[Bill] Ugh! Did you already have a waffle cone that big?

Or did you make it special for this? Agghh!

Well I checked out ice cream man.

Couldn't find squat. But that weird lady? With the dog?

I remember she was just as flipped as he was. You talking about the nurse?

[Mike] Also, why were we outside leaning on the car just now? (Kevin laughs)

I called and checked on her nursing license. She had a career from 1950-1993.

Spent the last 20 at some private clinic

called Wishing Well for the Mentally Disturbed.

[Kevin] It's a wishing well that you throw mentally disturbed people into.

Bad idea all around. Oh my god!

I'm gonna kill those bastards!

[Bill] Remember when photos were developed

on a rotating wheel everyone could see?

[Kevin] No, I do not.

[Mike] My boyfriend's having an affair withe the ice cream man?

(screams) ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Norman Rockwell's finest. You know?

This is the whole secret to making ice cream.

It's this kind of secret ingredient I put in it.

Here come on. Let's go put it in.

[Bill] No no. Please don't talk about "putting it in." Ice cream man.

You gotta just dump a little bit of this stuff. in. Makes it sweet.

[Mike] It's sugar. His diabolical secret ice cream ingredient is sugar.

Special amount you put in.

[Kevin] This is like if Charlie and the Chocolate factory were a snuff film.

The trick is just stirring it in just right.

Would you like to stir? Yeah.

[Bill] Mmm. Strawberry Stockholm Syndrome.

Watch your hand. That blade. That blade will take your hand right off.

[Mike] (distant yelling) Which is why I said I wouldn't want to get my hand caught in it!

[Bill] Thank you Derek. Made it pretty clear.

There you go!

[Kevin] His homemade Pepto Bismol prevents and causes diarrhea.

Whoo! (laughing)

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] This movie's doing for enjoying ice cream

what Jaws did for going to the beach.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Huh. Oversized novelty condom?

[Bill] Over size?

Looks normal to me.

[Kevin] (laughs) Of course! Yes! I totally agree!

[Bill] Maybe a little smaller.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] Even the leprechaun from the leprechaun movies

thinks he's a little too "leprechauny?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Well he's not singing, so I still prefer him to Sweeney Todd.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] Good scene. (Kevin laughs)

Do you really think your brother's gonna

pick up those pictures without looking at them?

I don't know. He's stupid enough.

[Bill] Not smart like us. Sitting in a playground, at night, for no apparent reason.

What happens if he's not?

(sighs) Geez! What are you? Stupid?

[Mike] No. I'm artificially fat. Remember?

I've got to get home.

If my mom finds out I snuck out. We'll ride with you.

I'll be fine. We're riding with you.

[Kevin] Not even sure why we had this scene actually?

Not the same as they used to be around here.

More patients have died. And some pockets dried up.

Hmm. Of course, when you die, you'll dry up.

[Bill] Unless you drown. Look, I'm still workshopping the joke, okay?

Real ones die. We want happy patients.

So you do, shock therapy lobotomy?

Like that cuckoo movie?

[Mike] "That cuckoo movie." is how Sinatra described every movie. (Bill laughs)

We believe in compassion.

(distant screaming) Help me!!

Shut up!!

[Kevin] Wow. Ed Asner's a lousy therapist.

You remember a nurse Wharton?

Do I? (laughs)

Hell, everybody did.

[Bill] Everybody, remembered her?

What did everybody like so much about Nurse Wharton?

She gave everybody ice cream. When the pain and the loneliness came.

She cared for the patient.

Gregory was her favorite.

[Mike] Allen Gregory. The short lived animated sitcom with Jonah Hill.

(distant screaming) Oh god!! Do something!

Anthony's getting out of hand.

I must ask you two to leave.

[Kevin] Or else I'll refer to even more people you don't know by first name only.

This is not a happy day!! (laughs)

(laughing)

[Bill] A Jiminy Glick school of psychiatry may have been a mistake.

(distant screaming)

♪♪♪ [Mike] Begrudgingly following a madman down

a dark hallway for unclear reasons.

That's Ice Cream Man in a nutshell.

(foot steps)

[Kevin] Yeah, somebody's using the dip on Judge Doom.

(laughing)

Uh? (laughing)

♪♪♪

[Mike] You have reached your data limit for the month?

Well that's a helluva way to tell me.

Oh god.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] It's like a bored eight grader's notebook. writ large.

♪♪♪ (laughing)

(laughing) [Bill] Did someone say "hell?

[Mike] Imagining some PA painting that on set

is the first laugh this movie's given me.

♪♪♪ Remember.

Only happy days.

[Kevin] Forget Joanie Loves Chachi.

Bad days! (laughing)

(singing)

[Bill] Well, everything seems up to code here. We'll be on our way.

♪♪♪ Happy days.

Let's get out of here. This isn't our jurisdiction

[Mike] No.

It's a community haunted house put on by the local high school.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Kevin] The amazing thing is, that horny poolside lady has hooked up

with every single one of these guys.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Hi, I'm Ted. I do accounting here. Have a good one!

I'll meet you at the car.

♪♪♪ [Mike] I'm Jan Michael Vincent.

I'm a real actor who does real movies. I'm Jan Michael Vincent.

I'm a real actor who does real movies. (fake sobs) I'm Jan Michael.

Anybody have some drugs?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Ahh. She would go onto crawl out of a television set in The Ring.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Bill] Times like this he asks himself, "What would Al Borland do?"

(distant laughing)

[Mike] The background from a Twisted Sister video becomes a real place.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Kevin] He's getting worried this depiction

of mental illness is too sensitive and nuanced. See?

[Bill] (laughs) That's what I'd do.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Bill] Bearded white guys. They're totally gonna gentrify this place and ruin it.

♪♪♪ [Mike] Help the little girls? Naww?

Good. Good jobs. Solid work.

No one leaves the Wishing Well.

Doctor's orders. (laughing)

[Kevin] Guys? I don't mean to rush to judgment here,

but this doesn't seem like a very good hospital.

(screaming)

[Bill] Oh boy. He's gonna have a lot of body cam footage to delete after this. ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] This would be me, five minutes into one of those escape rooms. ♪♪♪

[Bill] Borland power!

[Kevin] Wait. It's dark out?

They got here in the daytime.

How many hours did it take to find the clearly marked exits?

[Bill] Wondering the same thing right now.

[Kevin] Staying right there.

♪♪♪ Cloverdale?

This is Detective Maldwyn. Riverside PD. Emergency!

Repeat! Emergency!

[Mike] Oh. If only there were walkie talkies he could walk and talk with.

♪♪♪ (on radio) Go ahead, Detective.

Yeah. Wishing Well Hospital. Get some people down here quick.

[Kevin] Oh. And those gun shots you just heard? Fireworks.

Forget that I called them gun shots.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] Yeah, I'll be in your damn movie. But I'm not running.

♪♪♪ [Bill] Jan Michael Vincent.

♪♪♪ [Mike] Really never thought I'd say this, but

could we please get back to Clint Howard as the ice cream man?

[Kevin] Please.

♪♪♪ Alan! Go!

[Kevin] Brains!! Wait, what kind of movie is this again? ♪♪♪

Run Tuna! Be quiet. Moving as fast as I can.

That's your fastest?

[Bill] After a fun break with cops shooting the helpless victims

of a corrupt mental ward, it's back to the kids.

(screaming) Oh crap! Go! Hurry!

Don't stop peddling!

[Mike] Don't stop peddling. Useful tip. Thanks.

[Kevin] Oh, someone's got a future as a spin instructor.

♪♪♪

I'm trolling for Tuna!

[Bill] And there you have it. The whole reason they named a kid Tuna.

[Mike] All worth it!!

[Bill] You bet! (Kevin laughs)

♪♪♪ (indistinct)

[Kevin] This is for pretending to be a fat kid when you're not.

You're appropriating fat kid culture!

♪♪♪

Your ice cream.

[Bill] Tuna flavored ice cream?

No? Seems like another missed opportunity, ice cream man?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] Proudly hitting the freezer. Like I do after filling mine

to the brim with Hungry Man dinners.

♪♪♪ Okay.

One more time. Good. All right.

Shut it off.

[Kevin] Fun date, Thanks.

Jacob! Jacob! Call the police! Call the police!

Calm down, calm down. We can't call the police.

You're the guys who cried wolf.

Look, besides, we don't have any evidence.

[Bill] I guess his girlfriend forgot about

the gruesome pictures she dramatically reacted to?

This is my chance to mess him up.

Come on. Cut the Lone Ranger shit.

You're not a police officer.

Janet, I've got the gun. The badge will follow.

[Mike] You said the same thing about that jacket. And becoming Vanilla Ice.

Anything goes wrong, all you have to do is

call in the radio and call in for back up, all right?

Hurry! I think we should call the police.

Let's just go help the? The fat kid while there's still time.

[Kevin] Even he could barely bring himself to call that kid "fat".

There's still no sign of Charlie or Gus? No word.

Get some backup over there at the ice cream parlor.

[Bill] Didn't mention the evil asylum you just discovered and shot up?

Na. No. Of course not.

Who is he? The king. Yes!

He's like the Pied Piper.

[Mike] Oh, for??!!

Chases away all the bad. And leaves the world of good.

[Mike] So this movie is 70% gross.

And 30% over-explanation of the Pied Piper allegory. Yes!

Now it's illegal to use this channel unless you're PD.

So nobody calls in unless it's an emergency, okay?

[Kevin] I've got some kind of New York accent,

so I know about cops and guns, okay?

Stay in the car no matter what. You hear any shots, or screams.

Anything funny.

You press the button, you radio it in

and then you get my alarm okay?

It sounds like a police siren.

[Bill] I have so many questions about him

and why he has an alarm that sounds like a police siren.

But I fear they will go unanswered.

[Mike] Startled by a fake sunflower, shoots, it ricochets, and he's killed instantly.

[Kevin] Well, he sucks. You guys want to bail?

[Bill] Yeah. [Mike] Yeah.

Sounds like we've got a customer.

[Bill] By the way, how attached were you to your friend Tuna? No reason.

♪♪♪ Be right back.

♪♪♪ [Mike] The kid stumbles upon his dark secret.

His crumbled up Oreo topping is actually Hydrox.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] You know that's a tactical flashlight that he

bought for eighty bucks from a late night TV commercial.

[Bill] Shelob used to work as a cashier here.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] Please avenge me.

Nobody in the world seems to care about who shot me or why?

Wait! No! Where are you going?

♪♪♪

[Bill] Someone with such great taste in clown masks can't possibly be a killer?

♪♪♪ [Mike] (laughs) Clearly Scooby Doo needs to be part of cop training.

What's he doing?

I don't know, but he'd better get the hell out of there soon!

[Kevin] Gah. The rats nesting in my hair are getting restless.

(foot steps)

(car door opens)

Hiya honey!! (screaming)

[Bill] Understandable reaction to Clint Howard suddenly in your car.

That's called a brain freeze!

(kids scream)

Creamsicle?!

[Mike] Creamsicle? Nobody risks death for anything less than a Choco Taco!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Kevin] While that kid's been locked up,

the pog craze already came and went. ♪♪♪

This is gonna be fun. ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Bill] Oh get up! you're not a lady running through the woods in high heels.

Get up! ♪♪♪

(screaming)

[Mike] Oh god! The lack of leg room! I'm gonna be sick! (screaming)

(screaming)

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Is that a cow ass?

[Bill] That's a cow ass.

[Kevin] What the hell?

How are we gonna get out of here? I don't know! We'll find a way.

We'll find a way out of here. Psst! Hey kids!

Over here! I'm a cop!

[Bill] There's your problem. You had a head wedged in your front axel.

With the ice cream man?

Don't you know that he slaves day and night to make his treats for you?

It's like big ice always said.

[Mike] Well, two dead Mark Hamills can't be wrong.

But you can make a kid sweet.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Hah. (kids scream)

[Kevin] Aww, come on! This killed in Branson!

♪♪♪ (kids scream)

♪♪♪ Hey kids!

Don't you know there's a curfew?

[Bill] His license plate says "Ahh Boo" How stupid are the people in this town.

♪♪♪ [Mike] Those fake heads still look more human than real Clint Howard.

Don't you know you can't run from the long arm of the law? (kids scream)

(kids scream) ♪♪♪

[Kevin] It just dawned on him that "brickle" isn't a real word.

♪♪♪ What are we gonna do?

Just stay quiet. He's gonna get us. He's gonna get us just like everybody else.

[Bill] Keep it together budget Hermoine.

Somebody in there. Let's get help.

♪♪♪ [Mike] Plastic sunflowers, AKA the entire prop budget.

Hey! Hurry! You have to help me!

Please! Hurry up!

What is all this noise? He's after us! The ice cream man!

Oh My! [Kevin] That reminds me. I've stopped looking for my dog really fast.

Hide and seek.

♪♪♪ (on radio) We're over at the Spodak house.

We have a report of three missing kids now.

I don't give a damn.

[Bill] (laughs) Yes Jan Michael, you've made that very clear. ♪♪♪

♪♪♪

You kids don't want to play with the ice cream man?

[Mike] Come on! I've got a bunch of rainbow bright dolls with the eyes X-ed out.

You don't stick by him when he needs ya!

Aww. Who died and made you prince?

What? Are you trying to run?

[Kevin] You're Prince now. We've got to get you to Paisley Park!

You do that, you won't get any ice cream. But?

Freeze! I mean it!

[Bill] Damn! Outsmarted again! (Kevin laughs) Whoo hoo!

♪♪♪ Hello? You want some ice cream?

♪♪♪ [Mike] I'd like to say this is putting me OFF ice cream.

But we all know that not's true.

[Bill] (laughs) Mike, did you just turn into a Cathy calender.

[Mike] Akhh. Bill. (Kevin laughs)

♪♪♪ Let me see the kid!

♪♪♪ I make the terms Blueberry man!

[Kevin] Blueberry man? Is that because we're cops?

Please work on your material. Check the back.

♪♪♪

[Bill] For cookie (indistinct)!!

♪♪♪ Now, where was I?

♪♪♪ [Mike] Hey! A Cheeto covered in ants! Score!

♪♪♪ Gregory?

My little twin pops.

♪♪♪ [Kevin] All right. He's not a delivery. He's breaking all the rules!

♪♪♪ (kids scream)

(kids scream)

Gregory. Hide and seek. Gregory.

[Bill] Now back to work as a consultant for Dr Oz.

(kids scream)

♪♪♪ (indistinct)

[Mike] Just like that classic tale The Pied?

Guy pointing a flashlight in an old poster of another guy.

(Kevin laughs)

♪♪♪

Now. Gregory. you're going to be with us a very long time.

[Kevin] And I'm afraid your face is only to get worse.

There are no bad days here at Wishing Well.

Only happy days.

What kind of a day are you having, Gregory?

Gregory?

[Mike] In the pilot episode of Double Dare

they'd inject the slime right into the contestant's skulls.

(screaming) ♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Chubby Patrick Warburton loves you!

♪♪♪ It's a happy day.

(Mike laughs)

Thanks, ice cream man!

[Bill] A giant wig is not match for an even gianter forehead.

♪♪♪ [Mike] They taped his check to the poster to keep him walking.

♪♪♪ Happy.

Happy day.

[Kevin] Also, American Graffiti and Eat my Dust

were projects my brother did that I wasn't allowed to be in.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] I miss the days when all ice cream men had headshots.

♪♪♪

(screams)

[Mike] Derek the cop here. Not interested in this scene at all.

[Bill] Really? Only hands?

[Mike] Only hands! I couldn't have been more clear about that.

[Bill] Okay Derek.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Who's the Pied Piper now, ice cream dick?!

[Kevin] That's what Santa shouted at the

Ice Cream Bunny in the controversial director's cut.

[Mike] Of course. Of course.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ Did you find my dog?

[Mike] I had a dog, by the way. I guess.

Small Paul!! Where's Gregory?

[Kevin] Ha! Boy that plastic daisy gag is really paying off, now, huh?

Wait, what?

♪♪♪

[Bill] Tell me I can't pull off a red skirt,

blasted denim jeans, yellow lesbian shirt, beret

and backpack, will you?? Well! (Kevin laughs)

♪♪♪ Hi Johnny.

♪♪♪

[Mike] (mumbling) honey.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ Hey guys. Hey.

Hi. Whoo. (laughs)

Ready? Let's do it.

(laughs) Wow.

[Kevin] Yeah. Dues are five hundred bucks a month or we start breaking thumbs.

So? Where's Small Paul?

Where else?

Therapy.

[Mike] Small Paul would go onto to change his name to

31 Flavors Paul. And open his own successful

ice cream franchise called Paul's Ice Cream.

[Kevin] I don't think.

[Mike] As for the Rocketeers, they would actually go

onto to make the 1991 Walt Disney movie.

[Bill] The Rocketeer?

[Mike] White Fang.

[Bill] Huh?

[Kevin] This is 1995. How can they "go on" to make???

[Mike] Magic of cinema.

Would also go onto to write the 1978 Van Halen hit, Ice

Cream Man. Which was written by John Brimm in 1953.

[Kevin] Okay. While Mike goes mad, we'll sign off now.

And thank you joining us, you blueberry men and ladies.

And, as always, if you got this riff from anywhere untoward,

Please head over to our RiffTrax site and donate a scoop or two of hard pack.

It's the only we can keep this little venture going.

[Mike] Small Paul would also go on to gain 450 pounds by guzzling butter fat.

Which actually made it fun to call him Small Paul. Because he wasn't.

[Bill] I doubt your Small Paul facts.

[Mike] Yeah.

[Kevin] Happy, happy day everyone!

[Bill] Hard pack!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

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