Original subtitles

Now, the most important thing for you to remember is that these computer reports

must go out, not later than noon tomorrow.

Yes, sir.

I'll take care of it, Mr. Albertson.

Well, how about does it?

It's been a long day.

Tell you what we'll do.

Let's stop for a drink and a bite to eat, and then I'll take you home.

Oh, that would be great, Mr.

Albertson. I'll get my things and be ready in a minute.

My, it's getting late.

Won't your wife be worried?

Don't worry about my wife. She lives in our home outside of town, Lalesgate. You

know the area?

Oh, yes.

It's a beautiful country.

Let's have another drink. Shall we, Miss Morse?

It's Stephanie.

And I'm to call you when we agree to that.

Didn't we?

Bartender, another round, please.

Say, you must be famished. I know I am.

Let's get a table.

When did I ever tell you that I'm a terrific cook?

You?

Why, that's wonderful, my dear. We'll go to my apartment here in town.

Then you can cook.

No, Wynn. We'll go to my place.

I have everything there to work with.

Great idea.

We'll stop on the way, and I'll pick up a couple of steaks and a bottle of wine

or two.

How's that?

Oh, that sounds wonderful.

Fine, dear.

Well, this is it, Wynne.

It's not much, but it's my home sweet. You know what?

It's a lovely little hideaway.

I think it's very nice.

Thank you.

You put the steaks down on the kitchen counter there.

I'm going to change into something more comfortable.

Okay. I'll fix us a couple of drinks, huh?

Drinks are ready when you are, dear.

Thanks, Wyn.

Tell me, Wyn, do you really like my little apartment?

I think it's very nice, but tell me, Stephanie, I'm a little confused. Where

do you sleep?

I don't see a bedroom.

But when?

A poor little office girl like me can't afford a bedroom.

But I have a bed.

A great, big, beautiful bed.

Get up and help me.

You take the other one.

Grab that thing over there.

All begun.

That's wonderful.

Isn't this groovy?

It's my favorite place.

Come, Wink. Sit down.

Why don't you relax and take off your jacket?

I'm with you, Steffi, all the way.

Just think.

Two weeks ago, I was in the steno pool.

You sure advance quick at datamate.

Here's a good one, Miss Flowers.

This man raises rabbits.

He lives on a farm and is 40 years old.

5 foot 10 inches and weighs 250 pounds.

He's never been married. He has two years of trade school and loves to

dance, cook, and does embroidery for relaxation.

He's got an expensive car and wants a mate with the same interests.

Now, how does that hit you?

Does he specify any particular sex?

It's flowers.

Are you trying to shock me? I'm willing any time you want me to, Mr. Smiley.

Incidentally, don't you think that after working together for six months on these

dopey cards, you could drop the miss and start calling me May?

Sure, May. And call me Lionel, okay? I'd love to, Lionel. Sounds much better,

don't you think?

Mm-hmm.

Now, let's see.

Who are we going to get for the rabbit man?

Oh, don't look at me. It sounds like this guy's a real fag, and I certainly

don't need that.

Wait a minute.

I've got an idea.

Why don't you give me all the information on yourself?

We'll feed it into the machine and see what it comes up with. Okay, by me. But

remember, no rabbit man. Okay.

And one other condition.

You give me all the info on you so that I can line up someone for you.

Namely, me.

It's a deal.

You ready?

Okay.

I'm 36 years old.

Six feet tall.

170 pounds.

College degree, single, with no attachments.

Make good money.

I like good food.

Plus swimming, horses, skiing,

and beautiful women.

It's great. You like everything I like. Except the beautiful women part.

All right, now for me. I'm, um...

I'm 26 years old, 5 feet 4, weigh 120 pounds,

have brown hair, light eyes, 36, 22, 36.

Wrong statistics.

I'm not married, have a good job, have a nice apartment.

Oh, to hell with the computer. Why don't we go out and get acquainted? You game?

Sounds like a ball.

Pick you up at your place at 8?

That'll be groovy.

See you there.

Lionel, you're early. Come in.

Make yourself at home.

I was just getting ready to take my bath.

Wow.

Honey, you're something else. Take your time. There's no rush.

No.

Say, it's a nice pad you have, May. You do live alone.

Why, of course. What kind of a question is that?

No, don't get me wrong. I thought maybe you had a girlfriend for a roommate.

Baby, if I'm going to have a roommate, you can bet it won't be a girl.

Would you like a drink? Sure.

A bottle of water.

Why don't you make them while I take my bath? Make mine the same.

You're on.

Lots of ideas, but I haven't made up my mind yet.

Hey, Lionel, would you bring my drink in here, please?

It'd be a pleasure.

Bottoms up.

Cheers.

Mmm, good.

Why don't you put those down over there and come over here and scrub my back?

I thought you'd never ask.

Let me take off my coat or I'm liable to get soaked.

How's that?

Oh, it feels great.

I know.

We'll do some more.

That night is beautiful.

She'll ruin it.

Don't worry, honey.

Everything I've got works underwater.

Oh, is that the brush?

Are you happy to be here?

Oh, you are a duck.

Yeah, you are a duck.

Let me help. Let me help.

could be so enjoyable.

You know, I've just got to set you up with a condominium.

Oh, that's all right. I'll just keep using the pelt.

Me, you're the end.

The living end.

What do I do now?

I don't know. You'd better take off your watch.

I don't need a watch. I don't need cufflinks.

Pull, honey, pull.

I'm trying.

Oh, it's bigger than it looks.

Come here.

There's nothing like a slippery bath.

Oh, do it some more.

I can't see. You can't see?

Honey, if you don't know...

Please bathe us, Wade.

come to me my melancholy baby

degrees Fahrenheit.

Oh, they're so cooperative and data-made.

That's my girl.

About what, lover boy?

Where you'd like to go for dinner.

Well, we don't really have to go out to eat. You know, we can eat right here.

Well, that's fine with me.

It's been a long day.

You know, everyone says it's been a long day. Doesn't anyone ever have a long

night? That's much more fun.

Okay.

Here's from a long day to a long night.

You know, Lionel, you're a tiger.

After you left today, I put both our cards through the computer. And you know

what? What, honey? The computer says we're not compatible.

But my dear Danny, don't you understand?

Phyllis went on leave three months ago.

And now she's back with a baby.

Married? No, of course not. Of course not.

I think that big uncouth Scotty in shipping got to her.

I do remember how they carried on at that Christmas party.

Come in?

Must ring off.

See you at Tindon. Bye, lover.

Mr. Sewash?

Yes?

What can I do for you?

I'm Jane Leary. I spoke to you yesterday on the telephone about a job as a

typist. You told me to come in today.

Oh, yes. Now I remember.

You have never worked before, have you? Oh, yes.

I've never worked as a typist. I just finished school.

Well, of course I realize that.

But you have never worked as a typist, have you?

No, sir.

At Datamate, we rarely, if ever, hire inexperienced help.

However, let me see what I can do for you.

Georgiana?

I have a lovely hero that I want tested.

Right away?

Good. I'll send her in.

Take this to Georgiana in room 208.

She'll give you a test.

Type in.

Thank you, Mr. Selwald.

Danny, Vince Baby here.

I simply have got to tell you.

A young lovely came in to me for a job today.

You wouldn't believe it. Sex sticking out all over her.

Well, I sent her down to Georgiana in 208.

You know, the bull dyke.

I'd love to see her face when this little doll walks in.

What do you mean, keep her for myself?

Are you mad?

What in the world would I do with a girl?

So ever since that time, I've never been interested in girls.

I don't know why I'm telling you all of this.

I guess it's because I'm supposed to be different.

What an awful thing to happen to anyone.

Isn't there some way to become interested in girls again?

There's so many girls at Datamate.

Gee, Mr. Sowash, haven't you ever tried to be normal and healthy?

You should at least try.

Try? No.

I'm afraid to try.

Suppose you tried at being like other girls and failed.

Besides, the girls I know never seem to understand me.

Poor dear.

Is there anything I can do to help?

I am a girl and... Would you help me, Jane?

I said I would.

Would you come to my apartment?

Yeah, I don't know about that.

Oh, I knew you wouldn't.

Forget it.

Well, you're wrong.

I will go.

And I will help.

You're an angel.

Come on.

Let's leave this place.

I just love your place.

It's so cute.

Do you really think so?

How about another drink, Jane?

Maybe that will loosen us up.

Well, okay.

But not too strong, remember.

Okay.

Enough, Jane?

Salute. Salute.

Well, what happens now?

I don't know.

Maybe you should kiss me or something.

Well, it's worth a try.

I can't make it. I can't make it.

Just can't make it.

Of course you can, Vince.

Now go into the bedroom and take your clothes off and relax.

He strides to the bureau. He lays down his two six-guns, ready to be used just

in case.

He is somewhat taken aback when a young girl sits up in bed and stares at him

with a beautiful smile.

Jim takes off his sweat-stained vest.

and stands there contemplating Katie.

Finally, he drops the vest to the floor.

It is easy to see that Jim is near to exhaustion.

Katie is concerned.

Jim paces the floor, explaining to Katie why she cannot stay.

Jim sits heavily on the edge of the bed and begins to take off his dusty, travel

-stained boots.

He again reproaches Katie for being in his room.

His remarks fall on deaf ears as Katie just sits there, drinking in every word

that her idol utters.

Do you have varicose veins? Do your leg muscles bulge?

Don't be ashamed of them. Just cover them up with Ferris and Hanks cover

hoes. They not only hide unsightly veins and muscles, but they strengthen weak

knees as well.

Don't be a varicose, bulgy-legged, weak-kneed broad.

Get cover hoes. All eating stores buy them.

Jim drops the other boot and enjoys the freedom of not having his feet confined

to stiff leather.

Jim stands up.

He has made up his mind.

Katie must leave.

He walks to the other side of the bed.

Katie, by all that I hold dear to me, I must ask you to put on your clothes and

leave.

Katie just sits there, looking adoringly up at her idol, her secret love.

Katie gets out of bed and goes to him.

She is so pretty, dainty.

Katie takes Jim's hand.

She says, Jim, you're so wonderful.

You know that I've been in love with you ever since I was seven years old?

And I don't care whether you like it or not, or whether Daddy likes it or not.

I'm staying. You're so beautiful.

You'll have to marry me.

Jim, as strong as he is, seems to weaken under Katie's insistence.

In his weakened condition, he finally gives in and takes her to his manly

bosom. He tells her how beautiful she is.

He kisses her gently.

Suddenly, Jim breaks away from the hot embrace and moans, I can't, I can't.

Please, James.

I can't. I can't treat the daughter of my dear friend like a saloon girl.

Katie is stunned.

She goes to the bureau and fingers the sixth gun. She had her moment of

indecision, but she has made up her mind.

I want my man, she says, and gets back into bed.

From under her pillow, she takes a treasure she has had for years.

It is one of Jim's neckerchiefs that she had slipped from his room when Jim was

visiting her father years ago.

She fondles it and then tosses it at the feet of her love.

This program is being interrupted to bring you a message from Kyle, your

neighborhood grocer.

Kyle says after peeling a banana... Cook the skins.

They're great.

We now return you to our story, Killer Jim Cox, Ph.D., LLD.

Jim bends down and picks up the neck of cheese.

He looks at it, wondering about it. As a public service, we interrupt this

program for a report from the Department of Agriculture.

Suckling pigs rose 16 cents on today's market.

Jim, realizing now that he can't stay here with Katie, makes up his mind to

leave in spite of his tiredness and his worry over the Lloyd Nelson gang.

We interrupt this program for station identification.

This is station MUFF Diver, Colorado.

We operate on the nation's highest frequency, 43,000 foot elevation.

You are now being returned to the program, now in progress, Killer Jim

Cox, Ph.D., LLD.

Jim wearily picks up his gun belt and spends some time adjusting it to his

massive frame.

He is full of misgivings, but he must leave.

Are you a restless sleeper?

You don't have to be.

Take a blonde to bed with you.

Blondes are available practically anyplace, and they're reasonable, too.

Call your local distributor for more information.

The dealer in Diver, Colorado, is Panza's.

Try some of their Lazy Susan Blondes.

Katie, meanwhile, is watching him from the bed.

She has her finger in her mouth, a habit she's had for years.

We interrupt this program for an announcement.

Listen, men, and you too, ladies.

Have you ever tried banana shaving cream?

It is soft and kind to your skin. It helps give you a more slippery shave.

It's good on corn muffins, too.

What?

I mean, it's lovely to listen to. I mean, oh, forget it. They gave me the

wrong script.

Jim walks around the room trying to keep himself from going to sleep.

He walks around stretching his massive frame.

He asks Katie, did you say something?

She shakes her head no and takes her finger out of her mouth.

He goes to the bureau, picks up his six guns, and after examining them, he holds

them out at arm's length, exclaiming, aren't they beautiful?

He makes sure that they are ready for action, then slips them into his

holster.

Katie, in the meantime, still watches her secret love.

Her eyes... Those beautiful earrings.

Jim is forcing himself not to listen.

He walks to the mirror and runs his hand over his rugged features.

Jim, still standing in front of the mirror, says absently, You know, I think

I need a shave.

Jim, moving to the side of the bed, takes Katie into his arms and kisses

her. He is leaving, and no one can tell how long it will be before he can again

hold her in his arms.

As their kiss ends, Katie says, Please take care of Jim. I don't want anything

to happen to you.

They kiss again, a long and tender embrace.

There's certainly nothing wrong with you.

Why was all that just a come on?

Maybe, honey.

Maybe.

Say, doll.

Wow.

Baby, where did they find you?

Secretaries are sure improving around here.

What can I do for you, sir? What can you do for me?

Why, baby doll, anything and everything.

And I do mean anything.

If you want to see Mr.

Albertson, he's out.

Mr. Albertson happens to be my father. And if I can't see him, I'll just stay

here and look at you. If you'll excuse me, I have to get back to work.

Oh, come on, baby.

Now, no one can be that busy. Besides, part of your job is to give me that big

reception desk smile. You know, job description GS242, paragraph 15, clause

69.

Let me see.

Closing time.

Receptionist leaves at 5.15, right?

And has a drink with the boss's son.

Naturally, that's me.

That should be paragraph 15, clause 9. Your place or mine?

I'll feel safer at home, sir.

Sir? Please, don't call me sir. Unless you have entanglements.

Like a husband?

A jealous boyfriend?

Or what about a precarious pet?

Nothing like that.

I'm alone.

Quite alone.

Great. I'll pick you up in my chariot. I knew you couldn't say no.

See you later.

Bye.

Why not?

He is so cute.

And the boss's son at that.

These drinks are really great, aren't they?

They certainly are.

And strong, too.

Here.

Nice view, don't you think?

It's lovely.

But I've seen better.

Yeah, but have you had better than this?

Gee, I'm sorry. I guess I was just a little bit too anxious.

Maybe you should take a few lessons from your father.

What? You and my father?

Why, you no good little whore, you.

You're two of the kind.

Like father, like son.

I'll teach you to make a fool out of me.

Now out.

And if a word of this gets back to my father, you'd better look for another

job.

You little bastard!

May I give you a lift?

Thanks. You're a lifesaver.

Are you having car trouble?

No. Just walking home from a date.

Oh, you poor thing.

Come on in. Get in. I'll drive you into town.

Landover Street, near Lenox.

My, that's on the other side of town.

Why don't we stop at my place and clean you up a little first?

You can't go home in that condition.

Thank you, Miss.

Mrs. Oh, just call me Ann.

Thank you, Ann.

It's so nice of you.

I'm Stephanie Morris.

Oh, what a lovely name.

I'm very glad to meet you, Stephanie.

Oh, what a lovely room you have, Anne.

Thank you.

You look so tired. Why don't you sit down and relax?

Better yet, why don't you take a nice hot shower?

That'll pick you up.

Thank you. That sounds wonderful.

The shower's over this way.

me help you.

Wasn't that refreshing?

Oh, that felt great.

I don't mean to be nosy, but I was wondering, what happened to you in the

park? Well, it was nothing really, Ann.

I went for a ride with this boy.

I really didn't know him too well.

He tried, well, he wanted, you know.

When I wouldn't, he pushed me out of his car, and here I am, thanks to you.

You poor dear.

Oh, you have such lovely skin.

You have a bruise on your arm.

Did you fall?

Did that male animal knock you down?

Yes, I guess he did.

Come over and relax on the bed.

You just lie back and relax.

I'll get something for that bruise.

There's some music for you.

I think I'll get more comfortable too.

Are you feeling better now?

Yes, much better.

Beautiful negligee.

Thank you Stephanie.

I picked it up in Paris

This

is

gonna make it feel better.

Oh You have such soft skin

That feels good.

So pretty.

Your skin is so smooth.

Does that feel better?

Oh yes, it feels wonderful.

I feel so good.

So good.

Hi,

Steph. Hi, Marie. Today's the day the eagle flies.

I hope he's dropped enough in your envelope to keep you for another week. I

hope so, too. Thank you. How about lunch at Tony's? I feel like splurging.

Okay, but I have to meet you there. I have to cash my check first.

That's okay. I'll go with you. They have a cute teller down there that sort of

sends me.

I'll see you downstairs.

Okay, in a little while.

Bye now. Bye, Marie.

Hello. Hello. How are you today? I'm fine.

Do you have an account with us, Miss Morris?

No, I don't.

But my company bank's here.

Well, one of our officers will have to okay that check.

The gentleman in the dark suit, Mr. Brandon, will help you.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Hello. I'm Stephanie Morris.

How do you do? I'm Tom Brandon.

Hi.

Ah.

I thought I knew most of the data mate crew.

Sorry to say I've missed you.

Well, I've only been there two weeks.

I'm Mr. Albertson's private secretary.

That's so.

How is old Wynne?

You must give him my best regards.

Thank you. You're welcome.

I hope you'll be opening an account with us very soon.

Perhaps I will.

Thank you.

Bye-bye now.

Why, hello, Miss Morris.

Nice seeing you so soon again. Hi, Mr. Brandon.

This is my friend, Marie Corbin. How do you do?

Pleased to meet you.

May I buy you two ladies a drink?

We really have to get back to the office.

We're late already.

I'll go on ahead, Stephanie. Meet you back there.

Nice meeting you. Thank you. Nice meeting you.

Bye, Marie.

Well, how about it, Miss Morris?

May I buy you a drink?

No, thank you. I really must get back.

Not now. How about after work tonight?

Okay?

Well, okay.

I'll meet you here at six o'clock.

Fine, Miss Morris.

Bye. Bye-bye.

This place has the best drinks in town, don't you think so?

I'm not an authority, Tom, but they certainly are relaxing.

And dinner was delicious, too.

You married Stephanie?

No, I'm as free as the breeze.

Why? Are you?

No, no, not me. No, I've, uh, I've thought about it several times.

I guess I just never got around to it.

Well, I've gotten around to it a few times, but I've never wound up with a

ring. If you know what I mean.

Say, Steffi, how would you like to come up to my apartment and look at a

few pictures?

Etchings?

Tom, you're a real square.

Not etchings, baby.

I'm talking about the real thing.

The real thing. Action.

Movies. Men and women really living it up.

What do you say, huh?

Sounds crazy to me.

But okay.

This is the first time for everything.

Mm-hmm.

And I guarantee you'll enjoy it.

I was thinking, why don't we make a real party of this thing, shall we?

What do you mean?

Well, you call your friend Marie, and I'll get in touch with my buddy Cosmo.

Carlo?

Who's Cosmo?

Cosmo Thrank.

He's one of the tellers down at the bank.

Oh, he's a good egg. He's a good egg, all right. And he's a lot of fun once he

gets a few drinks in him.

What do you say? How about it?

Okay. Marie's lots of fun, too.

We might as well spread the joy around, huh?

Tell you what we'll do.

We'll phone them on the way and have the both of them meet us at my apartment.

Okay.

Look at that.

Oh, that's too much.

Wasn't that something, huh?

Gee,

I wish I was him.

All right, Cosmo, cut the projector. I get the lights here.

Well, how'd you like the Brandon Theater of the Performing Arts?

I don't believe that.

People don't act that way.

It's crazy.

Crazy or not, I believe.

I believe.

That was really something, wasn't it, Cosmo?

I'm with Stephanie.

I don't believe it.

I'll tell you something.

You might have something there, honey.

But I'd certainly like to be in his shoes.

I think it'd be a hell of a kick, wouldn't it? You know, it might be fun

at that.

Shall we try it?

Oh, come on. You're kidding.

You want to?

You'll learn, Tom, that old Stephanie Morris never kids.

Fine.

Let's go.

I'll see you kids after the noble experiment.

Have fun.

You're pretty cute, Cosmo.

Let's get more comfortable.

Sure, why not?

Thank you.

Where'd he get the energy from?

From you, Cosmo. And the movies.

You're kidding.

I'm not kidding. You send me.

Oh, let's do it.

Oh yes!

Ha ha!

I love you.

Thank you

Oh, no.

Hello?

Oh, God.

I wonder how the experiment is coming in the other room.

If that's what people really do, I'm all for it.

It was the most.

What else was in that movie?

Well, there's the one about the dancer and her friends.

It's a little weird, but sexy.

Sexy?

That's for me.

Let's do it.

Anything for you, Steffi.

Hey, Cosmo, Marie!

Get in here!

Hey, let's go.

I told you that Cosmo was a real tiger.

Yeah, but he doesn't have as many stripes as you do, lover boy.

And I'm a banker's conservative.

You two remember the bedroom scene?

Yeah. Let's do it.

I'm game.

If it's the Western, gee, I'm tired.

Well, hi-ho, Cosmo. Come on, away.

Well, how's the very talented and lovely Miss Morris this morning?

Well, I'm doing fine.

One more letter and I'm through. Good.

You know, Stephanie, DataMate Corporation has had a 60% increase in

the last six months.

According to these reports, we're playing right up there in the blue

chips. I think that's a wonderful win. I'm really happy for you. And now I'm

going to make you happy.

Oh?

From this moment on, you're an executive secretary with an increase in salary...

In accordance with your position.

How's that?

Why, Wynne, how perfectly generous of you.

Nonsense, Stephanie. You've earned it.

Marie, guess what?

Mr. Albertson has just made me his executive secretary.

Thanks.

Hey, listen.

Let me know when the promotion notice hits payroll, will you?

Okay.

Listen, I have to go now. Here comes King Brat.

Bye.

Hi, Stephanie.

I'm really sorry about the other... Is there something I can do for you, Mr.

Albertson Jr.? No, I'm just waiting for the rest of the family.

Hi, beautiful.

Tell me, how's the world treating you today?

That slave driver in there being nice to you, huh?

Well, now, if it isn't the heir to the throne.

How goes it, Wynn Jr.? Oh, everything's okay, I guess.

What's with him?

Anne!

So nice to see you.

You look so well.

i'm glad we could all make it here today celebrate datamate being up in the blue

chips everybody's already here hi mother hello win are you all

right stephanie i'd like you to meet mrs winthrop albertson

lovely wife of that slave driver you work for and my favorite sister well

there you are and i'd like to have you meet my executive secretary miss morris

We've met when Hello again, I Hope you're happy here.

I'd like to have you meet my brother-in-law He's a banker, you know

and depraved character.

So watch out for him. Oh, we've met win and I'm not such a bad sort really And

this is my son win jr. The pride of my life and one of these days he'll fill my

shoes. I hope We've already met then well, that's the whole family don't let

any of them get to you We're going to lunch now. Should anyone call, I'm gone

for the day.

Oh, my God.

I've gone through the whole damn family.