Original subtitles

[crickets chirping]

JOSH: Come on, butthead.

It can't be that hard.

Just light the stupid thing already.

KYLE: All right, I'm doing the best I can.

It's not as easy as it looks, you know.

[match lighting]

JOSH: Oh, please.

MICHAEL: Hey, come on, guys, let me light 'em.

If your parents knew I was letting you touch matches,

they'd probably kill me.

Besides, I don't want you to burn the place down.

JOSH: Yeah, Kyle, please let Michael do it.

I don't really want to sit out here in the dark all night.

KYLE: OK, all right.

I really don't want to sit here all night and listen to you whine either.

MICHAEL: Where's the matches?

KYLE: Where are you?

JOSH: Hey, who needs a lantern?

Why don't we just use these guys to see?

KYLE: Ah, Josh, why don't you let those poor things go?

No way.

I want to show them to Mom tomorrow.

Yeah, they'll look real neat during the day.

So I'll wait until tomorrow night.

Josh, they'll be dead by tomorrow night.

No, they won't.

I poked holes in the top.

Look, just bring them over here, so I can see what I'm doing, all right?

Hey, better than a flashlight, huh?

Just bring 'em over here.

What's grosser than gross?

Oh, no, not your dumb joke.

JOSH: Come on, what's grosser than gross?

I don't know.

What's grosser than gross?

Eating a bowl of rice when one of 'em gets up and walks away.

Oh no, please stop.

I think my sides are going to split.

What's grosser than gross?

Let there be light.

Cool.

Finally.

[sighs] So we can see.

Now what?

I brought some video game cartridges.

What are we supposed to do with video game cartridges?

Play video games.

KYLE: On what?

JOSH: Oh yeah.

I didn't think about it.

KYLE: You're so lame.

What's grosser than gross?

Your face, which I liked better when it was dark in here.

Now shut up.

Ehh wrong.

Eating a bowl of cornflakes when your brother walks in and says,

hey, where's my scab collection?

Oh, that is disgusting.

KYLE: You know, I think that actually happened to us once at our house.

JOSH: What's grosser than gross?

Enough already.

10 dead puppies in a barrel.

What's grosser than that?

I don't know.

What's grosser than 10 dead puppies in a barrel.

One dead puppy and 10 barrels.

[chuckles]

I think I actually like that one.

What's grosser than...

I'm gonna smack you so hard.

MICHAEL: Hey, do you guys really want to know what's grosser than gross?

What do you mean?

I mean, do you want to hear something that's really

gross that really happened?

Please, anything to keep him from telling more retarded jokes.

Is it grosser than eating a scab collection?

Yeah.

Definitely grosser than that.

Well, what is it?

Well, there was this lady who went

into a fast food restaurant to get herself some chicken.

Thank you, and come again.

Welcome to Tennessee Frick-a-See Chicken.

May I take your order, please?

Yeah.

I'd like the 15-piece bucket and a large chocolate shake.

CASHIER: For here or to go?

For here.

Could I interest you in our new Cajun Keels today?

Um, maybe later.

That'll be $8.95.

I'll be right back.

Thank you, and come again.

Thank you.

Welcome to Tennessee Frick-a-See Chicken.

May I take your order, please?

Yeah, give me the Gettysburg Nuggets to go.

[upbeat music playing]

Mmm!

[giggles]

[sighs]

[moans joyfully]

[suspenseful music playing]

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

[spits]

[screams]

It was a big ol' rat, extra crispy.

Oh, ew, that's disgusting.

Hey, did she barf?

How's he supposed to know that?

I don't know.

Wouldn't you barf if you bit into a big, hairy rat?

MICHAEL: I'm gonna go out on a limb here, fellas,

and say, yeah, she probably got the urge to regurg.

[laughter] - Ew!

Oh! Hey, wait, wait.

I know one.

And this is one really happened too.

What, the time when Mom found a Band-Aid in her soup?

No, no, no.

Besides, that wasn't a Band-Aid.

It was one of those moist towelette thingys.

No, no, no, this happened in California, at Wacky Kingdom.

Well, what happened?

Yeah, what happened?

Well, the first day they opened the Haunted Estate, there was this old man.

[crows cawing]

ANNOUNCER: Our ghouls are aware of your presence,

and have decided to meet you personally.

OLD MAN: I could have gone on "It's Such a Wee World"

or "The Enchanted Wiki Hut."

Why did I have to go on this stupid ride?

[squeaking sounds]

[screams]

Oh!

[screams]

[screams]

Help!

Let me out of here!

Please!

Help!

Help!

[gasping]

[screams]

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

ANNOUNCER: The spirits are pleased you have come

and wish to further welcome you to their haunting ground.

No, please, I think I'd like to get out now!

[maniacal laughter]

[horse neighing]

Help me!

Please, you must help me.

He's right behind me.

He'll kill me if he finds me!

I... I really think I'd like to get off now.

Will somebody please stop this ride?

MAN: I found you.

It's too late!

[laughs]

[screams]

[screams]

[laughs manically]

ANNOUNCER Did you say you wanted to meet more of our fiends...

ah, I mean friends?

No!

No!

ANNOUNCER: The family ghoul-ery, living dead portraits of some

of our most famous guests.

Jonathan Livingston Seagu, ship ahoy.

Mr. Mortis, the undertaker, of course.

Farmer Hacket, ready to whack it.

Beware.

They hitch a ride home with you.

[laughs hysterically]

[maniacal laughter]

Please watch your step and enjoy the rest of the day.

Please watch your step and enjoy the rest of the day.

Please watch your step and enjoy the...

[screams]

[crows cawing]

He died of fright, and that's why it's such a wussy ride now.

They had to shut it down and completely redo it.

MICHAEL: Oh yeah.

I... I... I think I remember meeting

someone who knew a guy that went on the ride the very same day.

You think it's a wussy ride now?

I think it's still scary.

I rest my case.

MICHAEL: Hey, guys, this is pretty good.

Do you know any more gross, spooky stories that are true?

Hey, I do. I've got a great one.

Wait, wait, we've already heard about the dead puppies

and the scab collection.

No, no, this is much better than that,

and I know it's true because it happened to a friend of mine's grandmother.

Swear to God.

Well, go on.

What happened?

Go on.

Well, she had just finished giving her puddle a bath in the kitchen sink.

(BABY TALK) Here we go, Pookums.

Ohh, Mama's little baby is gonna be so handsome when he's done.

Now we've just gotta try the baby off so he won't get the sniffy-wifflies.

Just in... right in there.

There we go.

[beeping]

There.

Just three minutes, babykins, and you'll be all dry and such a handsome boy.

[kissing sound]

[upbeat music playing]

Yes, we're almost through, sweetheart.

[puppy whining]

[kissing sounds]

[beep]

[dog whining]

There we go.

You're all done.

[puppy whining]

[explosion]

Pookums?

And it blew up, all over the place.

That really didn't happen.

Yes, it did.

It happened to...

I know, I know, your friend's grandmother.

Yeah!

MICHAEL: Hey guys, who cares?

It was a great story.

KYLE: Yeah.

Poodle in a microwave, yeck.

Hey, I thought of one I know you guys definitely haven't heard of.

BOTH: What?

MICHAEL: And I happen to know it's true.

And wait, wait, wait a minute.

This isn't that dumb story about the time

you and your friends found that pirate ship in an old cave?

Naw, it's better than that.

JOSH: What?

Ah, naw, you guys wouldn't believe me.

I... JOSH: Sure we will.

What is it?

Come on.

All right.

But be warned.

This story is guaranteed to give you the willies.

[thunder crashing]

[eerie music playing]

This is something that happened before we

moved out here, back at a school that my dad used to work at.

Uncle Henry used to work at a school?

Yeah, he's worked at a few of 'em.

Yeah, we knew that.

Remember, Josh? Go on.

What happened?

This happened to a kid named Danny Hollister, back in the town of Greeley.

[eerie music playing]

[pleasant music playing]

Hey, Daddy, what'd Mommy pack us for lunch?

Hey, come, Rudy. That's mine.

Give it back.

Anyone want a banana?

Come on, give it back.

What if I don't feel like it?

Just leave me alone.

Little Danny wants us to leave him alone.

Brad, why don't you leave little Danny alone.

Sure thing, Rudy.

Better pick up your mess, Hollister.

You don't want to get into trouble.

[sighs] [grunts] [groans]

All right.

RUDY: Hey, guys, look, Danny's drawing won first place in the art festival.

Isn't that nice?

BULLY: Yeah, he's a real artist.

You know, I think I'd like to have it.

No, Rudy, don't!

Please!

Don't worry, I'm not gonna hurt it.

I'll just put it somewhere real special.

[gasps]

Oops.

Now it's first place trash.

You guys are gonna get in trouble.

No we're not.

Because if you tell anyone, you know what'll happen.

Hold on to him, guys.

[squeals]

I got an idea.

What are you doin'?

Making sure little Danny doesn't go crying to the principal.

CUSTODIAN: (SINGING) Oh you press the third valve down.

And the music goes down and around below, below, below, diddy-whoa-ho-ho.

Listen to jazz come out.

Oh, the music goes around and around, below, below, below.

[school bell ringing]

the music goes down and around below, below, below.

Well, my goodness, what the dickens are you doing hanging up there?

[mumbling]

Danny?

Danny Hollister's that you?

[mumbling]

Say, you know, this ain't a public hanging.

You kids ought to be back in your classes.

You heard what I said.

I said, skedaddle!

Skedaddle!

Well, dunk my bread in the gravy.

How did you manage to get yourself in a mess like /

[mumbling]

Don't worry, son.

I'll get you right on down.

Uh-huh.

So that's what happened to my plumber's helper, huh?

Hang on, son.

There we are.

Here, let me tell you there.

Oh, darn!

Here, let me help you.

There.

Are you all right?

Huh?

Yeah?

Who hung you up there, Danny?

I can't tell.

Why can't you tell me?

But if I tell, they'll beat me up.

Oh, no siree, Bob.

Nobody's gonna beat you up as long as I'm custodian

of Greeley Elementary School.

Now, you tell me who did it.

Uh-huh.

Was it Rudy Kobernicky and his two sidekicks Frick and Frack?

Uh-huh.

I thought as much.

I didn't tell you!

Oh, no, of course you didn't.

And if anybody asks me, I'll say absolutely not.

He's zipper lipped.

I'll say I tore out your fingernails, and still you wouldn't squeal.

[chuckles]

Thanks.

Come on, we better get this cleaned up.

OK.

Before somebody else trips over it.

OK.

And listen, don't look so worried.

I mean, those kids are just show-offs.

They're all bark.

They're no bite.

And I'll tell you something else.

I have a feeling they're gonna get what's coming to them sooner or later.

Their type usually does, you know what I mean?

I know.

Well, guess you better get to class.

You don't want to be late.

If you're late, you'll think that Rudy and his pals

are a couple of creampuffs compared to Ms.

Titmarch when she gets sore.

[chuckles]

I don't like her very much.

She's mean.

Well, just between you and me, Danny, she is a bit of a sourpuss.

[laughs]

Well, guess you better get to class.

I've got to clean up the boys' room.

As a matter of fact, this whole place is in shambles.

Remember what I told you, anybody bothers you, you come to me, OK?

OK.

Thanks, Mr. Jenkins.

See you later.

Bye.

See you later, alligator.

[chuckles]

[banging]

All right, people.

The bell has long since rung.

It's time for you to give me your undivided attention.

Good morning, class.

STUDENTS: Good morning, Ms. Titmarch.

Very good.

Danny, you are late.

And since you are the last one in class,

you may hang up your coat and come up here and pass out these papers.

Now today I have a little surprise.

Since so many of us don't seem to think that it's

necessary to turn in our math homework on time,

it's obvious to me that we all know everything there is to know about math.

Sorry, could you get that for me?

MS. TITMARCH: So none of you will mind starting out

this morning with a little test, on our favorite subject, fractions.

Now, I don't want to hear any talking.

You will have exactly 50 minutes to complete this test.

[chalk screeching]

You may begin.

[music playing]

That's not funny, Rudy.

[laughs]

Ms. Titmarsh?

[clears throat] Ms. Titmarch?

What is it?

Can I go to the bathroom?

You should have gone before class.

But I didn't have to go then.

MS. TITMARCH: Have you finished your test?

Well, no, not yet.

[banging]

Class, should we not Mr. Hollister

go to the little boy's room before finishing his test?

[giggling] - Forget it.

Let him wet his pants.

All right, go ahead.

Don't run.

Go.

Go.

Mr. Jenkins?

Mr. Jenkins?

Oh, sorry.

[sighs]

[sighs]

[knocks]

Hello?

[sighs]

[growling]

[crashing]

You do it.

You do it.

You do it.

You do it.

No, you do it.

It's too ugly.

You do it.

You do it.

Oh, you.

No, you!

Ms. Titmarch, Ms. Titmarch, there's

a monster in the bathroom, monsters in the bathroom!

Quiet down.

This class is trying to concentrate.

What on earth are you talking about?

There's a monster in the bathroom.

I saw it!

Young man, you will stop this foolishness.

Now, sit down and finish your examination.

But... I don't want to hear another word.

But...

You would fly to the moon and back if you thought you could

get out of taking an exam.

RUDY: Hey, Danny, everything come out OK?

[laughter]

BOY: Oh, gross.

Mr. Hollister, you are disgraceful.

I have never met such a big baby.

You will go back to the bathroom immediately and clean yourself up.

But there's a monster in the bathroom.

It'll get me!

I have had just about enough of this.

Now, you go back to the bathroom and clean yourself up

before I call your mother and tell her

you ought to be wearing diapers to school.

Now, go on.

Now!

[suspenseful music playing]

Mr. Jenkins?

Mr. Jenkins!

[growling]

[growling]

[growling]

It got Mr. Jenkins.

It killed him!

The monster killed Mr. Jenkins!

It pulled off his head!

Young man, that is done enough.

I have had it up to here with you.

You have tried my patience for the last time.

Class, you will continue with your test

while I escort Mr. Hollister to the lavatory.

But Ms. Titmarch... Quiet!

Come with me.

Monsters and heads!

[chatter]

If you ever create a disturbance like that in my classroom

again, I'm going to see to it that you are severely punished.

Now we are going to go into the boy's room,

and then we are going to visit the principal.

But Ms. Titmarch, there's a monster in there, I swear!

And it got Mr. Jenkins.

All right.

Show me.

Now, where is this monster of yours?

Mhm.

And where is Mr. Jenkins?

In the sink in the supply closet.

Mhm.

We'll see.

This door is locked.

But there were keys in it, and I opened it...

MS. TITMARCH: And found Mr. Jenkins in the sink.

Now, I don't know what pleasure you get out of this,

but believe me, it is going to stop right now.

But he was in there!

MS. TITMARCH: You, Mr. Hollister,

are going with me to the principal's office.

And if I have anything to say about it,

you are going to be suspended indefinitely.

But he was in there, really!

And there was a monster in there.

Come here.

Come here!

Is that your monster?

That is just a bunch of protecto-sheets.

There is no monster in here, just vandalism.

You young people today, you have no sense of responsibility.

You just think because this is not your bathroom,

you can just come in and throw things right and left,

and somebody will come and clean up after you.

Where is Mr. Jenkins?

He should be cleaning up this mess, not me.

Dora Titmarch did not get a degree in education to be cleaning up toilets!

Monster indeed!

You probably made this mess yourself!

Young man, when I am speaking to you, I want you to look at me.

What are you staring at?

[growling]

No!

No!

[growling]

[screams]

Somebody help!

[screams]

[growling]

[chatter]

[sighs]

Hey, Danny, where's Ms. Titmarch?

Yeah, where is the old boob swamp?

A monster ate her.

What?

The same monster in the bathroom that ate Mr. Jenkins.

RUDY: Hollister, you're either a first class liar or you're crazy.

I think the little baby is just trying to get attention.

BULLY: I say he's nuts.

So what is it, Hollister?

Why you making up such a stupid story.

You don't believe me?

Why don't you just go find out for yourself?

OK, we will.

Come on, guys.

So, what's this monster look like, Danny?

The werewolf, or Frankenstein, or is it more like a Martian?

Yeah, did it have antennas?

Maybe Danny just took a crap and thought it was a monster.

OK, guys, let's go and meet the mean and nasty monster.

That made little Danny piss his pants.

[sighs]

Hey, Mr. Monster.

Come out, come out, wherever you are!

Let's check this place out.

Hey, guys, there ain't nothin' in here.

[bang]

What was that?

[growling]

[growling]

[toilet flushing]

[growling]

Let's get outta here!

There's something in the way.

[growling]

[pee trickling]

Danny, let me out!

Please, the door is stuck!

Danny, help!

[growling]

[growling]

Danny help me.

[growling]

RUDY: No, no!

[screams]

My god.

What the hell happened in here?

I don't want anyone in here.

Everyone stay out, please...

[mumbling]

[grunting]

Ah!

[laughs manically]

MICHAEL (VOICEOVER): After a few months,

he moved to another town and got a job at a different school.

(SINGING) ♪ Where do you work-a John ♪

♪ On the Delaware-Lackawann ♪

♪ And what do you do at dawn? ♪

♪ I push-a-da-push-a-da-push ♪

[laughs]

♪ Comes here ♪

♪ Where? ♪

♪ Here ♪

♪ Hot ginger and dynamite, that's all I do at night ♪

♪ Back at Nagasaki, where the fellows chew tobaccy ♪

♪ In the land of Wicki-Wacki-Woo ♪

♪ A fuggy am I, you get on my mind ♪

♪ And then you... ♪

Hobbles and grease, dammit, kids.

God!

PRINCIPAL: Mr. Jenkins, ah, Mr. Jenkins.

- Oh, good, maybe you can help me. - Why not?

You're the principal.

[laughs]

[laughs] Look, I know you've only worked here a week

and you're not really familiar yet with all the kids,

but we seem to have misplaced one of our students.

Ohh.

This is Mrs. Walters.

She's the president of our PTA.

Very happy to make your acquaintance, Mrs. Walters.

She was here to pick up her son, Jordan, in the back parking lot.

When she got there, he wasn't around.

We've been looking all over for him with no luck.

I thought perhaps you've seen him.

I see lots of kids.

Jordy's about 4' 11".

He weighs 85 pounds.

Um. Let's see.

He has dark hair.

It's in a crew cut.

He's usually so reliable.

I can't think what could have happened to him.

Oh, let's see.

He was wearing jeans and a bright red, white, and blue plaid final shirt.

Wait a minute.

I seen that kid this morning.

That kid's a bad apple, you know that?

Excuse me?

He was pushing around all the young kids.

He was trying to take away their lunch money, making

a nuisance out of himself.

Mr. Jenkins, I don't think this is quite the time to get into this.

I think that kid of yours ought to be taught a lesson, Mrs. Walters.

You must be mistaken.

My Jordy is a good boy.

I calls them as I sees them.

Well, have you seen Jordan recently?

Not since this morning, sir.

Well, if you do, you'll let me know immediately?

All right. Will do.

Come on, let's... let's go to my office.

I'm sure there's nothing to worry about.

[water dripping]

And they never, ever caught him.

He just keeps moving to different towns, sometimes changing his identity.

And who knows.

He could even be working at one of your schools right now.

JOSH: Wow, I wonder.

You know, Mr. Marsden in art class always seemed a little weird to me.

That's 'cause he slipped in the shower

and bonked his head on the faucet over 20 years ago.

Oh.

Besides, Michael just made all that up.

I wish I did.

My dad told me that story, and it happened.

I swear to God.

How does Uncle Henry know all about this?

MICHAEL: I told you.

He worked at the school where it happened.

And he knew this guy?

They were very close.

Yeah, well, whatever.

I think some of my fireflies are sick.

Told you you shouldn't have stuck 'em in that jar.

There's nothing wrong with them being in here.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Maybe it's just their batteries are running low.

They'll be fine.

Some of them are just sleeping.

Well, be careful with those things, or you'll end up like Gordy Belcher.

No thanks.

Who's Gordy Belcher?

Whoa, you thought your story was strange?

Well, this one is even stranger.

What is it?

Well, Gordy Belcher was this kid that we used to go to school with.

He had a rather odd hobby.

He also should have never gone near Old Farmer Spivey's place.

[suspenseful music playing]

[banging]

[fence creaking]

[liquids bubbling]

[can shaking]

[spraying]

[crashing]

[gunshot]

Gordy Belcher!

You lard ass.

What Sam hill you think you're doing on not my property?

None of your damn business, you old fart!

I've warned you before about what I do to little pests that

invade my garden.

I don't take kindly to rodents like you,

stealing my fertilizer and messing up my fence!

Well Well, yeah, I'm not the idiot who just blew a hole in it.

Next time I catch you in here, I might just blow

a hole in you, make you 'member that there Vietnamese boys' choir.

Use a gun and go to jail.

Why don't you mind your own business and go back to your crappy job?

You just get out of here right now, before me and old Bessy

here decide to perform a little primitive weight reduction.

I said get!

Shit.

[inhales]

[dinging]

There you go.

Thank you.

Can I help you, Gordy?

Um, I'm sure.

I'll take one of these.

Is that all you need?

Yeah.

That'll be $0.10.

How about some asthma medicine today?

No thanks.

Bye.

[upbeat music playing]

[dinging]

Hi, kitty.

Nice kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

How you doin' kitty?

[meowing]

Nice kitty, kitty.

Woof!

Woof!

[laughs]

[meowing]

[horn honking]

[screams]

[laughs]

Disgusting!

Get it out of here!

It's disgusting!

Get this bug out of here!

[laughs]

OLD WOMAN: All those bugs around me.

Help.

[cries]

Lady!

Leave my bug alone.

That's expensive.

If you break it, I gotta pay for it.

You get that outta here!

Go on!

EXTERMINATOR: Look, now you wrecked it.

I'm gonna get fired.

OLD WOMAN: I hope you do get fired!

[inhales]

[flies buzzing]

Gordy, don't spend too much time down there.

Dinner's gonna be ready very soon.

It's your favorite, fried chicken.

Whatever.

[music playing]

[medieval sounds]

[screams]

[triumphant music playing]

[sacred music playing]

[rock 'n' roll music playing]

MARGARET: Gordy, dinner's ready.

I'll be up in a little while.

RAY: Get up here now, Gordy.

You heard your mother.

[sighs]

RAY: You can finish whatever weird thing you're doing down there later.

Did you hear me?

Yes.

- RAY: Yes what? - Yes, sir.

I'm coming.

REPORTER (ON TV): Skeptical, but decided

to take a wait-and-see attitude for the time being.

Well... No reading at the table, please.

Wash your hands, please.

REPORTER (ON TV): We'll talk more about that in a jiffy,

but first up, some community news.

The tri-county chapter of Kiwanis Club

is having a charity bowl-a-thon to help raise money for a new youth center.

It starts Saturday at noon at the [inaudible]..

All are welcome.

Gordy, how was school today?

Yeah, OK.

Mrs. Timmerman told me there's a school dance next week.

Are you gonna go?

RAY: Margaret, who the hell's gonna wanna dance with him?

MARGARET: Now, Ray, stop it.

I'm sure there are plenty of nice girls who would love to dance with Gordy.

Aw, yeah.

And they're gonna crown him king of the ball.

MARGARET: Don't be mean.

Look, I'm not going to any stupid

dance with any stupid girls at some lame-o school thing, OK?

RAY: Oh no.

You just want to spend the evening

locked up in a dark basement playing with those stupid bugs.

Some sick kid you raised, Margaret.

Oh, so now it's all my fault. Well,

maybe if you'd spend some time with him every once in a while,

he wouldn't be so shy now.

RAY: Shy?

Is this what you call shy?

I call it pretty damn messed up in the head.

Shh.

Look.

That old fart Spivey's on television.

MARGARET: What's Old Man Spivey doing on TV?

Probably found a couple dead kids under his floorboards.

Ugh, Ray!

Shh!

SPIVEY (ON TV): Now people have been asking me what...

what that special secret ingredient is.

Well, I'm not tellin' nobody.

Many people dream of inventing something to make them rich.

One local man has come up with a revolutionary way to farm,

but he's not interested in selling.

Our KORN reporter Brock Richards went to find out why.

You say tomato.

He says, tomato!

This is Brock Richards.

We're at the home of a local farmer Horace Spivey

to talk to him about a special fertilizer he's invented,

a fertilizer that's the envy of all the county.

Farmer Spivey, tell us a little bit about your miracle manure.

Well I...

I've been working on it, I'd say, oh, about 16 years.

And it came really into fruition about the last five or so.

And just to give you an example of what I'm talking about,

that there's a carrot.

[snorts] You ever see a carrot like that before?

I can't say I have.

[laughs] No, siree!

That's a big carrot.

And that's grown with Spivey's old miracle manure.

Yes, sir.

You know, Mr. Spivey, there's a lot of local farmers

in this county who would, well, give

their left arm to get a hold of a bag of your miracle manure.

I wonder, why is it you're not interested in selling your fertilizer?

You could turn quite a tidy profit, I'm sure.

Well, yeah, but you see, money isn't everything.

And I decided that once I discovered this, I better keep it to myself.

Because you don't know out there what they might put it to.

There's all kinds of applications

that it may have that we don't even know about.

And it could turn ugly.

So you see, I'd rather keep it to myself and keep developing it.

You see, I'd like to get a carrot as big as a man.

Now, can you imagine how many people that would feed, huh?

Well, I could imagine how many rabbits it would feel.

[laughs]

BROCK (ON TV): Well, all right.

Well, Mr. Spivey, I want to thank you for taking

the time to talk to us today.

My pleasure.

Thank you.

Well, this is quite a miracle manure,

as he calls it, a fertilizer the likes of which this reporter

has never seen before.

And that's no bull.

For KORN News, I brought Brock Richards.

Are we still rolling?

Thanks, Brock.

And be sure to check the bottom of your shoes

before you come back into the studio.

Well, that's it for the Evening Report.

Be sure to join us at 11:00 for Action News Night Side.

Until then, I'm Kelly Appleton for KORN Action News.

Have a good evening.

The old geezer's nuts.

RAY: He's nuts for not selling that manure of his.

He'd laugh all the way to the bank.

I didn't know Old Man Spivey was up to anything

other than chasing people away from his property.

Well, you pass by his place on the way home from school, don't you, Gordy?

Um, yeah, I guess.

MARGARET: Oh, did you know he was into all this?

How the heck would I know?

I'm just asking.

Sorry.

RAY: Yeah, how would Gordy know?

If it didn't have wings on it, he didn't care about it.

[bang]

[music playing]

What?

What?

RAY: Gordon Belcher, what in the hell are you doing?

What do you mean?

MARGARET: Gordy, I don't know how much more of this I can take.

I mean, we have been very patient with you and your... your... hobby.

I mean, we keep thinking you're gonna grow out of all this,

but I don't see any signs of you changing.

RAY: Other kids play baseball and go to school dances.

Other boys are interested in girls.

Hell, other kids even have some friends.

All you do is sit downstairs in the dark

and play with those filthy damn flies.

Well, I didn't raise my son to be some kind of fruitcake.

From now on, this obsession of yours is gonna stop.

And that's it.

End of the argument.

And what about this, Gordy?

Did you think this was funny, huh?

Did you think I wouldn't notice these weren't raisins?

Well?

Gordon, your mother's talking to you.

I expect you to answer her.

(SOFTLY) I don't know.

RAY: What was that?

I don't know, OK?

I don't know.

Are you two through yet?

RAY: Sit down!

Aw, Dad!

MAN (ON TV): We have more non-stop flights

from more destinations than any other airlines.

Now, I will tell you when to leave and when you are excused.

Until then, you sit here and eat your dinner.

MARGARET: I just don't know what we're gonna do with you, Gordy.

I just don't know.

MAN (ON TV): Fly north, fly south.

But when you have to fly, fly with us.

[sighs] Oh, man.

[grunts]

[water running]

[TV static buzzing]

[laughter]

Mike, you disgust me.

Sometimes I'm surprised we're related.

Well, Carol, I think you're old enough to know.

We're not.

You're adopted.

[laughter]

Either way, you're still a pig.

Oh, relax. These flies aren't for me.

They're for Gordy Belcher.

[laughter]

It's a miracle, an agricultural breakthrough.

It'll put an end to world hunger and revolutionize the way we farm.

Vegetables are only the beginning.

There's no end to what you'll be able to do with Spivey's

own miracle manure!

As for you, Gordy Belcher, stay of my land!

What?

[flies buzzing]

Oh my god.

[flies buzzing]

That's what happens to things that go bad.

[laughs maniacally]

Things that go bad!

[laughs maniacally] Bad!

Bad!

Bad!

[laughs maniacally]

[gasps]

[pants]

[coughs]

[gasps]

[screams]

[gasps]

[pants]

[chatter]

That's what I'm telling her, you know?

[chatter]

Any of you guys want a cookie?

Uh, no thanks.

They're homemade.

GIRL: Uh, we gotta go, Jenny.

See you in Civics.

But lunch isn't over for another 20 minutes.

Uh, we told Ms. Dillon we would help her uh, uh...

- Clean the blackboards. - Right.

Clean the blackboards.

See ya.

Maybe we can find a place on the grass to eat.

Yeah, OK.

Look, I know you guys don't like me, big surprise.

Nobody likes me.

I mean, ever since elementary school,

everybody said I was either too fat or too weird too mean.

The only reason why I'm never mean

is because nobody ever gives me the chance to be anything else.

So if you don't want to sit with me, that's fine.

You don't have to leave.

I'll go over and sit in the grass, if I can find a place big enough.

Gordy, sit down.

You don't have to leave.

You mean it?

BOY: Yeah, we mean it.

Thanks, guys.

Are you sure you don't want a cookie.

I made them myself.

OK, I'll have one.

Right here.

Aren't you gonna taste it?

OK, I'll taste it.

[screams]

[laughs]

Gordy Belcher, you are sick.

[laughs]

[sighs]

Go home, Gordy Belcher.

You've done enough damage for one day.

[crashing]

Gordy Belcher, hold it right there.

Why?

Is it too hard for you to shoot a moving target?

Now, I'm not gonna shoot anybody.

I don't even have my gun with me.

I suppose you're gonna want to invite me in for tea?

[laughs] No.

No, I just want to take a look, see at your hand there.

Looks to me that it could be cut pretty bad.

No thanks.

I wouldn't want to get it infected.

SPIVEY: Gordy, what do you say we call a truce?

Huh?

I'm too old to be getting worked up over you all the time.

My doctor says it's... it's not good for the old ticker.

So why don't you come on in here and let me clean up your hand?

I'll pass.

SPIVEY: You'll pass out is what you'll do, from loss of blood

by the time you get home.

Come on.

It'll only take a minute.

Besides, I got something for you in the woodshed here.

OK.

But if I'm not home soon, my parents are calling the police.

If you're not home soon, you'll parents'll have a party.

This is where I mix all my fertilizer.

Right here is where I first discovered my secret ingredient.

It's very impressive.

SPIVEY: Come on over here now.

Let me see that hand.

Oh.

That's not so bad.

No, I don't see we're gonna to have amputate!

[laughs]

OK.

Let me put this on here.

[winces] That hurts, dammit!

SPIVEY: Oh, don't be such a baby!

Here.

Put the bandage on it, and then it'll be all done.

Just hurry up.

Here we go.

There!

There, all done.

Can I go now?

Yep, you're free to go.

Oh, wait a minute.

Don't forget this.

What's that?

This is a jar of Spivey's old miracle manure.

Well, this batch is real different.

See, I mixed this up special just for you.

Yeah.

I put in a few extra heapings of my secret ingredient.

So whatever you're using it for, it'll work extra good now.

Why are you doing all this?

Well, let's just say I hope that this token will

solve our differences, once and for all.

And if I ever need to come back for more?

Oh, I don't think you'll be needing any more.

[laughs]

Yeah, well, whatever.

I got to go.

Take care of that hand, now.

You never know what might happen.

Yeah, yeah.

[laughs manically]

[dog barking]

Gordy, is that you?

Uh-huh.

MARGARET: You're home from school awfully early, aren't ya?

Yeah, I guess.

Well, why is that?

Um it was some sort of teacher's conference day or something.

It was a half day.

Funny, I didn't know about that.

Usually I know when there's a teacher's conference day.

I thought I told you, but I guess I didn't.

Can I go upstairs now?

Yes, you may.

Oh, and by the way, you can just stay up there too without supper.

Your principal called me this afternoon,

and I know all about what you did to that poor little girl.

Well, this is it.

From now on, things are gonna be a lot different around here.

It was just a joke.

I mean, why is everybody getting so upset?

MARGARET: Upset?

Gordy, for God's sake, you made a girl eat dead flies.

You got suspended from school.

This weird obsession of yours has warped you.

You don't even know what's right or wrong anymore.

Well, it's over now.

What's in the trash bag?

Nothing that concerns you anymore.

What's in the trash bag?

Gordy, you go to your room right now.

Gordy, get up here right now.

There is nothing down there any more to concern yourself with.

Gordy, do you hear me?

You get up here and go to your room.

Your father is gonna want to have a word with you when he gets home.

I hate you!

[inhales]

Wait a minute.

She didn't know about you, now, did she?

[rustling]

[fly buzzing]

Don't worry.

I'll get my stuff back, and then me and you guys are gonna have some fun.

[buzzing]

[clock ticking]

Who's there?

[buzzing]

[buzzing growing louder]

Honey, honey.

What? What?

What?

I heard something in Gordy's room.

[grunts] He's probably just going to stuff his fat face again.

No. No, no, it wasn't like that.

I heard things falling. Come on.

Come on.

Get up.

[grunts]

Come on.

All right.

God.

Gordy, you in there?

Everything OK, sweetheart?

Gordy, what's wrong?

Did you have a bad dream?

What in the hell's going on in here?

Oh my god.

MARGARET: [screams]

I told him it was a special batch.

[laughs manically]

[gasps]

[flies buzzing]

After a while, Gordy stopped coming to school.

All the kids that he had been mean to before made fun of him now.

I heard he went away to a special school somewhere.

Anyway, you never see him anymore.

A lot of the kids didn't believe the stories they heard.

But everyone pretty much stays away from Old Man Spivey's place these days.

Yeah.

OK, I admit.

That was a pretty good story, but come on guy, giant flies?

KYLE: Hey, it's true.

Don't believe it if you don't want to.

But I knew Gordy Belcher, and I believe the stories.

JOSH: Me too.

Besides, we're supposed to believe there was a janitor who pulled off

his face and the bratty kids?

MICHAEL: Well, that's true.

You can ask my dad.

Yeah, right.

Hey, you little pipsqueak, you want to bet?

No, I don't want to bet.

Even if we did, how are you gonna prove it?

Well... JOSH: Shh, guys, quiet!

- Did you hear something? - No.

MICHAEL: Not me.

I think I heard something.

It was probably just your stomach.

What do we have left to eat anyway?

Yeah, I'm kinda hungry myself.

There!

Did you hear that?

KYLE: What?

Are you just trying to scare us?

No, no.

I heard it that time too, Kyle.

Shh.

[screaming]

KYLE: Oh great, just what we need.

MICHAEL: Guys, look for the matches.

I'll try and light it again.

KYLE: How are we supposed to look for the matches?

MICHAEL: Well, well, feel around for 'em.

You know what I mean.

JOSH: Hey, I'm scared.

KYLE: Don't be such a baby.

Beware of giant flies and janitors that eat children!

Blah!

MICHAEL: Hey, Josh, pass your jar of fireflies over here

so I can see what I'm doing.

JOSH: I don't see 'em.

MICHAEL: Well, aren't they in your bag?

JOSH: No, I left them out.

Mm.

I think maybe they're dead.

KYLE: I told you they wouldn't make it.

MICHAEL: Never mind.

I found the matches.

KYLE: I'm gonna stick you in a jar and see how you like it.

JOSH: [grunts] KYLE: Ow!

Ow! Oh, great.

JOSH: I'm really scared, you guys.

KYLE: Shut up.

What's that?

MICHAEL: Probably just my dad coming to check up on us.

JOSH: Maybe he can help us get the lantern working.

KYLE: Quick, pretend like you're asleep.

You fellas all right out here?

Fine, Uncle Henry.

Great, just great.

Hey, we were just going to sleep.

You boys aren't out here giving each other the willies, are you?

[laughs]

MICHAEL: I just told them what happened back at Greeley.

They didn't believe me.

Oh, they didn't, did they?

KYLE: Yeah, we don't believe him.

That really didn't happen, did it, Uncle Henry?

It really happened, all right.

Every word of it.

Prove it, Dad.

Yeah, prove it to us, Uncle Henry.

You really think I should?

Go for it.

All right.

[growls]

[creepy music playing]