Original subtitles

It's the mating season, how about you and me?

Hey you bird, you blue bird, you're going with a new bird.

It's the mating season, carve your heart on a tree.

This is the mating season, yes it's the mating season now.

- How's it going, Jake? - I'm kind of worried about this weather.

- What's the matter with it, too nice for you? - There's bound to be a break. - Oh, no onions on mine.

Louie Ferroni was just in.

- He's still your boyfriend? - Uh-huh. - Well, he had one with onions on, that's it. - Okay.

Atta girl.

Play him like a fish.

- You got anything else on your mind besides the weather, Jake? - I'm kind of worried about my throat.

- Yesterday you was worried about your shoulder. - Still am.

You know you've beefed about every muscle in your body.

You can come in here once and tell me your hair hurt.

Ha! Well, keep it up, kid. When you stop worrying, you'll be dead.

Hiya, Mr. Paget.

What'll it be?

- Got some nice chicken and noodle. - No, I've had my lunch.

- It's the first of July, Mrs. McNulty. - Already?

- Gee, June went by in a hurry, didn't it? - Oh, so did May and April. The bank can't wait any longer.

- No fooling out. Try and make a payment next month. - We're awful sorry...

but the bank examiner, every time he reads off your loan, he says: "No reduction on that $800? Why not?"

Did you tell the bank examiner that I was never up against such competition in my whole life?

Drugstore on one side of me, a drugstore on the other side of me, and their soda fountains undercutting each other.

They give you three-course dinner if you buy a box of aspirin tablets.

Won't you just pay a little something, $100.

To raise $100, I would have to sell 13,000 hamburgers between now and six o'clock tonight.

Do you know anybody that's that hungry?

Sorry, but without a payment, the bank will have to start action.

I got some news for the Jersey City National Bank.

They just got themselves a hamburger stand.

We don't want that, Mrs. McNulty.

Don't say that again after you've been running this joint for a month.

The notes settled.

The stove, the iceboxes, the dishes, the pots, pans, the whole joint... is all yours.

- Oh, but perhaps we... - Susie and Jake, tomorrow, you get your hamburgers at the Jersey City National Bank.

You just ask for the president. He's the new chow jockey from now on.

- Oh, please, Mrs. McNulty, you can't give up your business! - I can't, huh?

Listen, my son Val has a good job in Meridian, Ohio. Don't you worry about me.

- Pages 16 and 17. Be a good kid and read them back to me, will you, Betsy? - No!

Look, it's 4.45 a.m. I read them to you twice already.

And each time we made the report a little bit better.

- What difference does that make? - What difference?

Listen, babe, I'm not related to old man Kalinger.

I don't play golf with him at the country club. He doesn't know me from Adam.

It's this report that may make him go ahead with the Williamson project.

If he does, I might go ahead with it.

So let's have it on his desk by nine in the morning. Come on, come on, hurry up. Do us a lot of good.

"Us"? I suppose he'll say: "This is fine typing. Who did the commas?"

I thought you wanted to help.

I thought we were pals.

We must be.

- The girls in the office have started a pool. - They have?

- Well then, why beef about a little extra overtime? - A little?

Look, McNulty, you slay me. Can't you stop pushing yourself for a minute?

Look: "Correct business usage", "Contacts and personality and commerce"...

"What the young executive will wear."

I'm a very earnest young man.

Okay.

The Williamson report, huh?

That's the girl!

It was... Page 16.

"Therefore, I have mapped out the following plan of procedures. As serious as anything else however..."

Switchboard's closed!

- That's junior Kalinger's private phone. - Oh, let it ring.

- "As serious as anything else, however, was the Italian national habit of dismissing all economic problems. Large population can be a challenge..." - Hello?

Mr. Kalinger, junior?

At this hour of the morning?

- He's not here. - Who says I'm not? - Hold it!

Wake up with the birds.

Ready to go.

It's, er, for you. Sounds like a small boy.

Oh, give him the scout howl. Show him we're on the ball.

Hello? He's, uh, busy now. Can I take a message?

Yeah?

Up on Summit Ridge?

Yeah? Oh, sure. Sure, I'll tell him.

This kid says your car is stuck up on top of Summit Ridge.

- And there's a girl in it. - Yes, there's a girl in it. She didn't trust my driving.

Miss Maggie Carleton. The great Miss Carleton.

Impecunious, but social.

- Very social. - Mr. Kalinger, I think we have... - Daughter of a United States ambassador.

Asked her to marry me, and she turned me down.

Hasn't got a nickel, and she turned me down.

She's under the impression that I drink.

- We better do something about your car! - Go on, do something. You get paid every Thursday.

Yes, sir.

- But... But don't you want me to drop you home on the way? - I'm staying here.

My father has become a breath sniffer.

He's not gonna sniff mine. I've got ideals, too. That's me, a proud boy.

- You Mr. Kalinger? - Oh, no!

- Where's the car? - Right up there.

- Sweet Caesar! (Sweet Jesus was banned by the Hays Code) - It keeps on slipping.

I saw it on my way to the milk barn. The lady gave me the number to call.

Why in heaven's name are you sitting there? Get out of that car!

Well, if I stir, it starts to move!

- Oh, then don't stir. Don't breathe. - That's what I've been trying to not do for an hour. - Shh. If you must talk, use small syllables.

Put your arms on my neck. If it starts to move, shove off!

- If you feel like passing out, it's no trouble at all. - I don't. I did, but I don't now.

Who are you?

Val McNulty.

- The young master sent me. - Oh.

I never saw anything as beautiful in my life as the sight of you coming over that cliff.

How did you get up here?

I'm visiting some friends who live on one of these hills.

After I dropped Junior, I got myself lost and tried to turn around.

- But you had plenty of room. - Oh, I'm not a very good driver.

I tried for a license once, but the man said I'd have to learn more about gears.

Where did you steal that hair?

Off a lilac bush?

You can put me down now.

Oh, yes. I was afraid so.

- Oh! - It's broke, I guess.

I hope that car was insured.

Why did you turn him down?

Loud drunks bore me.

I'm sorry if he's a friend of yours.

Oh, that was no friend. That was my boss.

Funny.

At 4.45 this morning, someone accused me of being too anxious to please my boss.

It's now, to be exact, 5.23.

Seems that life began somewhere in between.

This is Venice, Italy, calling Miss Maggie Carleton.

Si.

Miss Carleton?

Un momento.

- Signora Carleton? - Ma quale? (But which one?) - Questo. (This one.)

Maggie? Oh, Maggie, did I read your cable correctly or have I had a touch of the sun?

You just can't suddenly marry somebody named McNulty you met on the cliff. You can't!

Three o'clock tomorrow, darling.

Oh, if your father were alive, he'd turn over in his grave. Now wait till I get there and we can discuss it!

- You say he works at the Kalinger factory. What does he do? - Well, he...

He is in the production department.

- In other words, he's a clerk. - Un vano con un bagno. (A room with a bathroom) - He doesn't think...

He doesn't think you're rich, I hope. Can you hear me? Just because you're visiting rich friends of mine.

Well, he'd hate it if I were rich!

Then he's an imbecile.

Oh, darling, you're utterly unequipped for any such marriage.

Does he know you were brought up in an embassy with 20 servants?

Excuse me. Hi, everybody.

Hi, Val. Val, it's Mother. From Venice. Mother, here's Val. I'll put him on.

If you do that, I'll hang up! You let me talk to Nat Conger!

Now, Mother, please!

Later, darling.

- She wants to speak to you, Natalie. - Oh, dear. Oh, dear!

Hello, Fran. Er, what time is it in Venice now?

Oh, don't scream at me.

Well, we don't know anything about him, really. Except that he's a very nice boy. And he signed one of those loyalty things.

What is your background, Val? I suppose we should have made inquiries about your family.

Well, I just got my mother. She lives in Jersey City. She runs the... the business my father started.

- Yes, Fran. Er, wait, wait a minute. I really think I ought to have a seat. - Oh! Oh, here.

Thank you. Now, Fran...

Should we send an announcement to the Trumans?

- I don't think Maggie's father knew the president very well. - You can't send one to Mrs. Roosevelt and slight the Trumans.

Now, Fran, I'm her godmother, not her keeper.

- What? - Your mother's right, you know. - Well, I've never... - Out of a blue sky, marrying a crumb like me.

She's a fine one to talk. When she met father in Shanghai, he just stuck out his hand to say hello and never got it back!

I still think you ought to be getting one of those guys with a pedigree and a platinum polo mallet.

Oh, Val! When you've been brought up in half a dozen embassies with little princes and little dukes and little diplomats,

bowing from the waist and kissing your hand...

what do you think you dream about?

- What? - You dream of meeting a man! - Who? Me?

I really must have my talk with the young people.

I want to ask them which service they prefer, the long or the short one.

Yes, I think I'd better put you down for the short one.

Yes.

How about the phrase: "Love, honor, and obey."?

- Unfortunately, a lot of people prefer to drop the word "obey". - Oh, don't drop it.

We're going to obey each other like crazy.

And is there going to be one ring or two?

Will someone draw a chalk line?

I'd like to walk it.

Stone sober, Maggie.

And I've brought you a present.

Thank you, Junior. But I don't think I deserve it.

Under happier circumstances, I should have gone shopping on the Ganges for rubies, but as things stand, this seems more tasteful.

A book. A little old book.

- "How to drive an automobile." - If I'd only given it to you before!

You're very sweet, Junior. I'll treasure it.

Since everybody in town knows how I felt about Maggie, I hope you won't mind my admitting it.

- You've been a great support, Mr. Kalinger. - Well, thanks.

I brought this wire from the office.

- Always at your service. No tip necessary. - Thank you.

Well, happy nuptials to all. To all, good night.

What?

No wonder I couldn't reach my mother.

She's on her way here.

She is? Oh, how wonderful. You never dreamed she'd come.

- No. - Now let me see. At a formal wedding, the mother of the groom sits in the front row at the right.

- Oh, let's put the bishop on one side of her. He's such a dignified old man. - And the other, Mrs. Fahnstock. She's our local Mrs. Astor.

- Oh. - Mrs. Astor?! (Mrs. Astor - American socialite, NYC)

Bobby, if you and Jimmy spit at each other just once more, I'll stop this bus and spank you both.

Is your watch right?

It better be.

What's the nearest you come to the bus station?

- Block and a half. What time does your bus leave? - Oh, I ain't takin' a bus.

I'm supposed to be on one that gets in at 8.30.

My son finds out I've been hitchhiking, he'll put a hole in my head.

- Run out of money? - Oh, I got five bucks and 80 cents.

But just before I got ready to leave, that Mr. Shipman showed up... with a bill for two years worth of ketchup.

- That did it. - Gonna start a hamburger stand here?

Oh, no. My son wouldn't stand for it.

No, I'm comin' out to live with him.

He's been after me ever since he graduated from college.

- College? - Sure. We put him through NYU.

Me and the hamburgers and the laundry route he had.

- There's the one I'm supposed to be comin' in on now. - We'll make it. - But if it's out of your way...

- Goodbye now. - Good luck. - Yeah, thanks for everything. - You're welcome.

Excuse me.

Hey, lady, where are you going? I'll get it for you.

- Hi! - Mom!

- Well, how's the Belle of Jersey City? - Fine, kid. - You have me nuts.

- Before I got your telegram, I was beating my brains out trying to locate you. - Oh, I was right here on this bus. - Oh, come.

- Well, Val, uh, you're due for a bit of a surprise. - So are you, Mom. Now, hold your hat. I'm gettin' married.

- You what? - Married.

- You are? When? - This afternoon.

- This, I think, calls for a cup of coffee. - Come on.

Those are mine.

- Goodbye now. Thanks for everything. - Yes, ma'am.

Hey, kind of a full house.

You sit here, Mom. I'll grab this one over here.

Two coffees, please.

- You want a donut, Mom? - No, thanks.

Who is she? Have you known her long?

- She live around here? - Uh... She was born in Nanking, China.

China?

- But she's a nice Chinese girl? - Hah! Mom, her father was the ambassador over there.

They lived all over the world.

Imagine that.

I... I think I will have a donut.

It's just luck that she ever came here.

She's staying with a guy who used to be her father's military attache. We're being married at his house.

- Oh, I bet it's gonna be some wedding. - Yeah.

Small, but fancy.

In fact, they're...

a little rich for our blood.

Dunno why you say that.

- She know you're from college? Did you tell her that? - Everybody goes to college, Mom. - Oh.

Well, it's nice anyway. I'll tell her you're from college.

- Gee, I'm glad I got here today. - Your attention, please.

- So am I. - Your attention, please.

- Columbus local now loading from door... - Wedding's at three.

Get yourself all fixed up.

Permanent, maybe.

I think you ought to buy a new dress and a hat.

Oh, by the way, in all the rush, I forgot to send you your monthly check.

Here it is in cash.

- This is just my traveling clothes. - Well, there's a reception afterwards. - Oh, well, maybe I ought to go early and help out.

Maybe they could use some of my hamburgers to go with the beer.

I don't think they'll have any beer.

Nothing to drink?

Oh, when your pa and me was married, it was a real beer bust. Everybody went to the amusement park.

- It was a little butcher. He... - You didn't catch on, Mama. I... I said there wouldn't be any beer.

They'll have champagne, and they've got a caterer or so.

- Oh, well, I just thought, you know. - Oh, hey, I got to go and sign up for my new apartment.

I'm taking one at the Clarendon Court.

It's way at the back, but it's still the Clarendon Court.

- You could swing a better one for a little more money. - Oh, this is okay.

No.

- For a girl like that, you get a better one. - Hey, that's your money, Mom. - I don't need it for sour apples.

I just been taking it to keep your nose to the grindstone.

From now on, not a penny more.

- You really don't need it? - I'm doing good.

Say, you haven't told me what brought you here.

Hmm?

- Oh, I'm... I'm closing the hamburger stand. - What? - Oh, just for a week. I'm having it all painted up. New seat covers.

That's the big surprise?

- Wait a minute. I'm putting in a television set. - Mom, you're a dreamboat.

I gotta run.

I got you room at the hotel. It's right across the street.

- At around two, I'll call for you. They're taking some photographs before the ceremony. - Pa and me did, too, at the amusement park.

- I still remember that... - There's one more thing, Mom.

At the wedding, there'll be some people that we don't know.

- Well, you know how a person can get talking... - I won't talk too much. - Oh, it's not that.

But... I guess I ought to warn you. I... I kind of soft-pedaled the hamburger stand.

- I just said that you... ran Dad's business. - Well, that's true.

- Go on, get going. - Two o'clock. - I won't keep you waiting.

Say, while... while you're on that shopping binge, maybe you ought to buy yourself a pair of gloves, huh?

- Bye, kid. - Bye.

Do you have any employment listings? Female, I mean. I'm a stranger in town.

What a dear, lovely wedding.

I liked it.

Now... why didn't your mother stay over?

Really.

You got me.

The note she left at the hotel just said: "Called home. Urgent business."

- She didn't want you to get married. - Oh, no, no.

I think she kind of lost her nerve.

You know, all that crowd. People she never met.

Well, you didn't tell me.

She's shy.

- Well, I'd better tell you about Mom. - Oh, you don't have to.

I know about people who are delicate and high-strung.

Well, there was a little Chinese princess I knew who'd tremble like a leaf whenever she had to meet a stranger.

- Oh, did she? - Mm-hmm.

Well...

Oh!

I almost forgot.

- Mom left this for you. - Oh!

"Dear Maggie, when Val was little, he said he wanted to marry a girl who could climb trees better than him."

I was very little at the time.

"I guess you don't climb trees, but I'm sure Val chose someone better and nicer than him."

"I know I'll always be as proud of you as I am of him."

"Mother."

- I guess she got a little mixed up on her grammar there. - It's a beautiful letter.

When will I meet her?

Oh, there's plenty of time.

Say, er, about this honeymoon.

Let's get the show on the road, huh?

Hey!

Eddie Arcaro's up twice tomorrow at Belmont. (https://www.britannica.com/biography/Eddie-Arcaro)

Man, that ain't races. That's a giveaway program.

You work here, pony boy?

- I ain't here for my health, that's for sure. - Today concludes Pegram's midsummer clearance sale.

The management thanks all temporary employees for a job well done.

- Pick up your checks at the cashier's window. - That does it.

Fifty-nine hours here, a week at the cafeteria...

And that two-day tussle with Mr. Pinchbottom. And I got enough.

- Good for you.

- It's been wonderful knowing you girls. Never had so much fun. - Same here.

Thanks, honey.

Hey, kids. Want to double your checks?

Look, I got a thing for tomorrow here.

- He could pull a plow and win. - You know, I ain't never been to one of them horse parlors.

Well, start living, little kid.

They're a great bunch of guys.

Give you free lunch while you bet.

Not me.

Oh, one of those, huh?

Save your dough, stick it in your sock. Lovely funeral.

Come on, Ellen, take a chance.

Hey, Mugsy. Did you ever pay 18 bucks for a hat?

- Me? - You think she's crazy?

That's what I'm gonna do.

Gonna buy me an 18 dollar hat and a suit to go with the hat and gloves to go with the suit.

- What are you shooting for? A guy? - I'm gonna call on my daughter-in-law.

Some daughter-in-law that rates an 18-dollar hat!

- Hiya, Bert. Say, that's a beautiful tie. - Another advance, huh? - Right on the schnoz.

You've been awful busy with these things lately.

Well, you know how it is when you get back from your honeymoon. Capital expenses.

- You drew one hundred last Monday! - That was the entrance fee to the golf club.

You're not buying your golf at the driving range anymore, huh?

Change for a dollar, Bert, please.

We had a lot of fun there, didn't we?

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I'll have to get an okay on this.

Oh, don't be like that. It's only 50 bucks.

There's a rule here... when there's over two advances. I'll go upfront.

Red tape.

I'll call you.

- Hi, McNulty. - Mr. Kalinger.

About this project you've been working on...

- The Williamson survey. - Oh, yes, Mr. Kalinger. What did your father think of it?

- No, he never saw it. I took it over. - Oh, I see.

Well, how do you like it?

The Williamsons are pretty tough people to deal with.

I may recommend it, though.

Well, maybe I could talk it over with you.

After office hours, I mean. Any evening.

Evenings? A newly married man? Not me. I'm a sentimental old fool.

- We shouldn't waste time. It's darn important. - Is it? Oh, you mean to you.

Up-and-coming young fellow, huh?

Oh, why has that idiot Bert bothered me with this? If you want an advance, take it.

Okay?

Thanks.

You see, we're trying to get some of our social obligations paid off.

- Giving a little shindig tonight. - Tonight? My secretary didn't tell me.

- Well, to tell you the truth, we didn't think you'd care to come. - "We"? Meaning Maggie and you or just you?

Oh... If you have nothing on, we'd be tickled to death.

- Both of us. - I have one of the dullest dates in the world for tonight.

With me!

- Oh, hi, Mr. Kalinger. - Don't worry, the date's off.

So you're the guy!

Some girl picked you in preference to my boy here.

Well, I can't shake hands with her from here. What time's the party?

- Seven o'clock, sir. - I'll be there.

Oh, you! Shut up!

Shut up!

- Hello. - Hello, Maggie? - Yes. Oh, well.

- Maggie, some more guests for tonight. - Some more guests? - The Kalingers.

The Kalingers?

You don't sound very pleased.

Look, the old man is coming. He can do us some good. He spits vice presidents.

- Say, how you coming along? You sound kind of worried. - No, no. Everything's all right.

Just that I'm a little busy.

Mrs. Conger's maid didn't show up.

Seems that she has the miseries and... never mind. I'll handle it!

But honey, you can't possibly. Why didn't you call me immediately?

Look, ring up an employment agency. Tell them to send you somebody. Oh, wait. Wait, I'll do it.

They'll get a woman there right away. I'll have her take a cab. Keep punching. Bye now.

- No wonder you had to gussy yourself up. - Here, let me pay my share.

- No, skip it, honey. The fourth race will take care of your share. - Well, thanks, girls. - Okay.

- Bye, girls. - Bye! - Good luck and stay rich. - Okay.

Hi.

The McNultys. Are they home?

- The missis is. 3F. - Thanks.

Nice day, ain't it?

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

- Oh! - It's me. - Yes, and thank heavens you're here.

I'm absolutely out of my mind.

Everything conceivable has gone wrong in the kitchen. Come in right away.

- I beg your pardon? - Come on!

I don't know what I did wrong!

Where are you? Please, this thing is on fire.

It's ruined so much.

I did just what it said.

- Don't just stand there. Help put the turkey out. - Just turn it off. It'll go out in a minute.

I realize this is an awful mess for you to walk in on, but... but this is my first party.

And whatever the employment agency said we'd pay you, I'll give you five dollars more.

- Well, look, kid, I think you got the wrong pie. - What do we do with this? Just throw it away, I guess, and start off new.

No, look, you don't throw turkeys away.

- But about this job, there's something we gotta get straightened out right now. - Yes?

- Well, it's kind of embarrassing me having to tell you, but I... - You mean you can't cook either?

- I can cook the pants off any woman alive. - That's what I thought. I know good help when I see it.

Oh?

You do?

- Look, kid, I'm just not that kind of help. Oh, any kind will do.

Now, you don't have to serve if you don't want to.

Just push everything through the slide.

Oh, please.

- This party just has to be a success. - Maggie! Maggie! - Oh!

But now, listen, kid.

Maggie!

Oh, hello, darling. Oh, that wretched maid of mine. I fired her.

What's in my life? I asked her for a favor, and... and she says she's ill.

I went over to her house.

Darling, do you think I could possibly have a glass of iced tea? I'm absolutely exhausted.

- You sent for a cook? - Yeah.

Hold the phone.

- Yes? - There's somebody outside to see you. - Who?

You better come on out.

You wanted to see me?

- Eggemann (?) Employment Agency sent me. - Well, but... - I got the cab still waiting.

I don't take this job if I can't be home by nine o'clock.

I never work later.

Is this a... sit-down dinner or a spread?

Well, it's not a sit-down dinner, but they've already sent someone.

Well... but the taxi cab you've got to pay! To and from.

- Yes... - It's $1.50. - Yes, of course.

Could you let me have a dollar and a half?

Thank you.

I'm very sorry.

Maybe another time.

- How many people for the party? - Eighteen. Oh, twenty. - Wouldn't have done it anyway.

Well, what luck for me that you came first.

What's your name?

- Uh, well, just call me Ellen. - I owe you a dollar and a half, Ellen.

- Darling, I think you ought to have a nap. - A nap? With this living room and the mess it is?

- Oh, at last, darling. - Just don't ask me for a match. Hiya, Natalie. - You're late.

Darling, that cook you sent me is a perfect treasure.

- Yes, well. - Give me extra cigarettes. - Have her squeeze some lemon juice for the whiskey sours. - Did you bring the extra forks and knives?

- The caterer was closed. - Oh, but darling, twelve people have to eat with their fingers.

- What do you think this is? - Oh darling! - I rented them at a pawn shop on 3rd Street. - Oh, dear, they'll have to be polished (?). - Six bucks in the deposit.

- I have to get them back Monday. - You'd better change. Everything's laid out. - Okay.

- Hey, can the dame make whiskey sours? - She can do anything.

- Ellen, would you squeeze the lemons for me? - I knew how to make whiskey sours before he was born. Put the silver over there.

Ellen, you'd better sit down. You've been standing for four hours.

Never eat standing, never cook sitting.

Hey, come to think of it, er...

You can make whiskey sours sweet or you can make them sour.

- Ask your husband to come out and talk to me before the guests get here. Will you, please. - Yes, of course.

Oh, don't tell me someone's on time!

- Mrs. McNulty? - Yes.

I was asked for seven, stood out there till the second hand hit. I'm always the first to arrive.

- And don't worry, I'm always the first to leave, too. - Punctuality is the politeness of kings.

- You're Mr. Kalinger, of course. - But wait a minute.

Put up your face while I kiss the bride.

- Well, I... guess it wouldn't look right if I asked for seconds. - I'll owe you one.

Hello, George Kalinger.

- Hello there, Natalie. Where's the colonel? - Later. He's with Mr. Fulton Lewis. (Fulton Lewis-American radio broadcaster)

- Later? I'm not sure... - Mr. Kalinger. - Oh!

- Don't go out without your coat. - Oh, yeah.

The cook wants to consult you about something.

- You better go into the kitchen as soon as you can. - Okay.

Never mind, I'll straighten it up for you.

Well, hello, Mr. Kalinger!

- We certainly appreciate your coming. - I've been getting in my legs, too.

Oh, fine, fine.

- If you'd only take a check from me... - Yes, sir.

Oh, who's left that there? I guess I did.

Excuse me.

Oh, I'll get it.

- Well, hello, Colonel. Come right in. - Oh, well, Val!

- You look wonderful. - Thank you. Thank you for coming.

- We brought you some salt and some wine for luck. - Well, sounds delicious. Thank you, guys.

Good evening, the long legs guy. Look what I found pressed between the pages of an old book.

Hello, Betsy.

- Val, I hope you don't think this is my idea. He just asked me to a party. - You should have been invited in the first place. Maggie!

- Oh, Junior! I'm delighted. - I took the liberty of bringing a guest, an old friend of your husband.

Mind, I'm not making any implications. Subtle, that's me.

Betsy Donaldson, Maggie.

How do you do, Mrs. McNulty?

Val's done the most flattering thing, Mrs. Donaldson. He never told me about you.

Come and meet some of our friends.

- Darling, get the cocktails. - Okay.

Front! Cocktails are my department.

Well, Ruthie, how are you?

Yeah, good.

Hi!

- Put it down. I want to speak to Mr. McNulty about this. - Mr. McNulty is an amateur.

Not bad.

Well, kids, the party's on.

When I take my sugar to tea (The actual lyrics: "When I Take My Sugar to Tea." (1931), Fain/Kahal/Norman)

All the guys were jealous of me

'Cause I never took her where the gang went When I took my sugar to tea

I was a rowdy, dowdy, that's me

She was a high hat baby, that's she.

- So I never took her where the gang went - I wish he'd break a blood vessel.

So you'll always find me With a gang now 'Cause he takes my sugar to tea

Without me!

Thank you, thank you. Don't tear my clothes off!

- Maggie, come on! - No! Oh no!

Oh, listen everybody! Song for Maggie! You know what I mean, a Frankstein? (?)

- "Je n'en connais pas la fin"? - Shh, listen, everybody. This is our song.

Depuis quelque temps l'on fredonne Dans mon quartier une chanson (Édith Piaf - Je n'en connais pas la fin)

La musique en est monotone Et les paroles, sans façon

Ah, mon amour Ah, à toi toujours

Ah, dans tes grands yeux Ah, rien que nous deux

Ah, mon amour Ah, à toi ...

- Stop bawling, I tell you, that marriage isn't going to last six months. - Sure, it's on its last legs. Anyone can see that.

Six months. I tell you, this party's on the cuff, those guests are on the cuff, the whole marriage is on the cuff.

Blow.

There, that's better.

Six little months.

So save your money and buy a tight dress.

Do you want cognac, anybody?

Oh, I'll get your coffee in a minute.

- Good singing, Maggie. - Liar! - How do you think, another piece of that chocolate cake would make me fat?

But, why, Mr. Kalinger, I'm sure you're the talk of the locker room.

Give Mrs. Fahnstock some cognac, will you?

- Can I give you some cognac on that, Mrs. Fahnstock? - No, thank you.

- I've been admiring your silver. - Eh, what? - Such a lovely old pattern.

Colonial, isn't it? Where did you get these?

Well, uh, we didn't get them, we, uh, just had them.

Oh, family silver. How nice.

Yeah, family.

It's some of the stuff my mother sent us.

- How generous of them. I'd never have given them up. - My dance, Mrs. McNulty.

- With pleasure. Let me give this to your father. - Oh, stop being host. - Oh, Junior! - Bless your heart!

- Mr. Kalinger! You are... - Has anybody got a towel or something? - Somebody get a wet cloth.

Bring me a towel, will you, please.

- Give me a wet rag, will you please? - Hi. - Hi.

Thank you very much, Maggie. Oh, thank you, McNulty. Thank you a lot.

Look, McNulty. McNulty!

- Darling, but what are you doing? - Don't do that.

- Oh dear, let me tackle this. - Oh, no! No, don't take my coat off. I'm wearing galluses.

- Come out of here with me. - Oh, thank you very much! It's the sweetest bargain.

George, I know a very good dry cleaner, if she can't get it out.

- Oh! I wonder if we have any cleaning fluid. - That would only stink up the joint. What we need is a knife and some hot water.

Oh, I'm so sorry this happened.

You can count on Junior to do something like this once at every party. I'm glad to have taken the rap for the night.

- You should have ducked. - Hey, easy. - Here. - Oh, wring it out, honey. - Oh!

- Oh, I sent a pair of Tom's flannels to him, and they came back neat. - Well, I don't know...

There. That takes care of the worst of it. That'll do for now.

- Let's you get yourself a single breasted? - Why? - Give you some zip.

- Put some gas in your tank. - Really?

Well, back to the salt mine.

- No, Ellen, it's getting terribly late. I'm not going to let you do one more thing. I'll cope with all this in the morning. - Oh, but you...

There you are, Mr. Kalinger.. Thank you.

- Okay, uh, maybe your husband would drive me to the bus.

- Oh, sure. - Sure I can. - No, you still got a house full of people. I'll drop her. I have to leave anyway. - Oh, no, please.

- I'm still going to have that piece of cake, Maggie. - Oh, sure, Mr. Kalinger. - I ought to be safe from Junior in the elevator.

- Oh, no, really. - But it's out of your way. I live way out in Dubuque Street. - Thrash right by there.

- Oh, but there's no need. I can handle it. - It's already handled. Come on, Ellen.

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. Ellen, you're my kind of cook. Come on. Come on.

But...

- Good night. - Good night.

- Listen, she can't go with him. - What difference does it make? - Well... - Are you mad at me or something?

- Why, of course not. What makes you think so? - You look so worried. - Worried? Me? Ha-ha!

I wonder how soon the rest will go.

- Oh, for heaven's sake! - What is it? - Ellen. - What about her? - I forgot to pay her. See if you can catch her.

- You bet. Oh! - I promised to pay her double.

Stairway, stairway.

I owe her an extra dollar and a half.

- Goodbye now. Thanks for everything. - Pleasure. - You too.

All right, Henry. Good night.

Just a minute, you.

What are you doing here? Come to frisk me to see if I stole some of the old family silver?

How did you get into that kitchen?

I trickled in.

There was a mix-up and there I was.

- But it wasn't her fault. - You were struck dumb, I suppose. You couldn't speak.

Ah, Val, she did die of embarrassment.

Besides, she had me pegged right.

- I am a cook. - Don't be silly.

Listen, if you're a chicken, you can fool people about your feathers. But when you start laying eggs all over the place, they know you're a chicken.

- Eighteen bucks. - You naughty boy!

Mama's so ashamed of you for getting your manners that way.

What would your little lady doggy playmates say? What would little Charmaine say?

When did you get back in town?

- Oh, well, I didn't exactly come back, Val. - You never left, is that it?

I suppose that hamburger stand just runs itself?!

It's closed down.

When the note come due, I give the National Bank 40 pounds of hamburgers and then I blew town.

I bet you were flat broke when you shoved back that allowance money.

- I got three good jobs, just like that. - Like that, yeah. Employers are just nuts about hiring women your age. - I ain't so old!

Living in this flea bag.

- Don't be big shot, you've lived in worse yourself. - Well, you're moving out.

There's room in our place.

- What, butt in on you two? - Well, just so I can stake you properly.

Nothing doing. This is your mating season. You're entitled to be alone.

- Oh, horse feathers. - Look, I started out living with my mother-in-law and you know how it ended?

- I hit her once. With a banana. - It won't be long.

- If this Williamson survey comes through, I'll get a whale of a raise. - Till then, let me get lost.

And have you on my mind every minute?

Look, I don't want to bore you with details, but I kind of like you, you know?

You know what you ought to have on your mind? Your marriage!

There's a couple of people that would like to see it end in a garbage pail. And they were drinking your liquor tonight.

Junior Kalinger?

- Oh, he's okay. - Oh, go on. I've stepped on better things than him.

Look, I'm too tired to argue tonight. Let's sleep on it. You come around tomorrow.

- And be told you've left town? Urgent business? So sorry? - No, I won't. I swear.

Okay. I trust you.

- Val, you should have wore your top coat. - Mom, when will you get over the idea that I'm six years old? - Never.

Six is plenty for a boy to be.

I'll call you around ten.

Good boy.

Just a little gentleman. And Mama's so proud of him.

Hi!

Hi! Took you a long time.

Yeah, something came up.

Where'd everybody go?

Junior took them all to the Blue Lantern.

- It's a new band. We're supposed to join them later. - Oh, are you kidding?

That's the way I feel about it.

No place like home, is there, darling?

- Hello. - Hello. - Okay.

- One, two... - Maggie! - Three...

- One... - Maggie, there's something I've got to talk to you about. - Shoot.

Well, this may kind of throw you, but...

facts are facts, and...

I know you're going to understand.

You see...

- Maggie, do you have to do that? - Twenty years from now, you'll be glad I did it.

You ought to do it in a... diver's suit or something.

Go ahead, you can talk.

Well, it's about that woman...

- about the woman who did the cooking tonight. - Who, Ellen?

Yeah.

I, uh...

I got the impression... that you liked her quite a bit.

I... Maggie, I'm trying to talk.

There's only one way to shut you up.

This is what I love about marriage...

The companionship.

Let's be buddies again.

- Oh! - Val...

I love you so much it's against the law.

- Every time I look at you... I'm glad I'm a woman. - That's two votes.

- What about Ellen? - Oh, we can wait till morning.

- Hi. - Good morning.

- Where's the key? - Huh?

- Mr. McNulty said he'd leave the key with you. - He didn't leave nothing with me. - Well, you got a pass key, ain't you?

Take me up, I'm the new cook. Didn't he tell you?

Okay.

Ellen? I'm afraid there's some mistake. I didn't expect you today.

- Your husband didn't say anything about me? - Not a word!

Oh, yes, he did. He started to.

I really don't remember.

Well, when he come after me last night, we got to talking and it turned out I need a job.

- Oh, don't think I forced myself on him. I said it had to be up to you. - Oh, how wonderful!

- Oh, I don't think we can afford a cook. - Oh, well, we ironed that out between us. It's just a question, would I be underfoot?

Ellen, I'd rather have you than an emerald that big.

Tell me one thing.

Don't come around tomorrow and ask me for any references.

Just as long as you don't expect any references about me!

Sunday!

Now, on Sunday morning, I like grapefruit juice, kippers, a three-minute egg, Ceylon tea with cream.

- Yes, ma'am. - And for Mr. McNulty...

- Coffee, of course. - Yes, but you'll never guess what he has with his coffee on Sundays. - Now, what?

A hamburger!

Hmm, I wonder where he picked up that habit!

- You go and start straightening out that mess in the living room. - Oh, sure.

Maggie, I sure didn't make any mistake when I married you.

Why didn't someone tell me?

Of course I mustn't go to Robinson's Market and have things delivered. It's insane.

From now on, we'll drive to the Farmers Exchange. Everything there is cheaper.

- And fresher. - As for the party yesterday, we could have saved a fortune if I'd known then what I know now.

Any judge would give you a divorce if he could see the market slips.

- Now, look here. - And it's all your fault. It ain't fair not to tell the girl how much she can afford to spend.

The first thing you do tomorrow is buy an account book for five cents.

- Now, look here. - You got to balance your budget, even if they don't have to in Washington, D.C.

Ellen, stop scolding him and get the biscuits.

Yes, ma'am.

You stay right here.

What is all this about... "Account books", "Yes, sir", "Yes, ma'am", "Washington, D.C.", "The Farmers Exchange." Can I say a word or can't I?

Why are you so excited? Ellen makes perfect sense.

Read last week's Post.

Three out of five marriages go to pieces.

Not because of infidelity or fighting.

But on account of the dough.

People get fancy ideas about living.

Hello.

Yeah, this is McNulty.

Wait a minute. The operator. The Mrs. McNulty.

Yes. This is Mrs. McNulty.

Long distance?

Listen, Mom! Have you gone stark staring nutty?

Not "Mom", Ellen!

Don't you see, Val? This is the answer.

- They ought to lock you up. The mainspring is gone. - None of your lips now.

I didn't get a wink of sleep until four o'clock this morning and then suddenly I got the idea.

This kid's behind the eight ball. She needs me.

And I'm going to stay whether you like it or not.

Of course you're going to stay. But you're going to stay as my mother!

Look, Val, whether two unhappy dames live in this joint or two happy dames depends on just one thing.

- Whether she calls me mother or whether she calls me Ellen. - Look, she's got to find out sometime! - She don't have to find it out when I'm under her feet.

Meanwhile, we got fun.

- You don't know what it was like working with her yesterday. I felt like I was 21 again. - Oh, malarkey! - Look, wise guy.

I didn't feel like I was 21 when I was 21.

- I'm getting a big kick out of this. And you want to open your big mouth and spoil it for me? - Yeah!

Okay, you do and I go out this door. I leave this town.

- I grab whatever work I can get and it won't be as soft a job as this either. - Val!

Val!

- Oh, Val, how much do you love me? - How much do you love me? - Oh, it better be a lot for both of us.

That was Mother from the Cleveland Airport. She's coming to stay with us.

- Oh, well, that'll be... wonderful. - You don't know Mother.

This could be the end of our marriage.

- Might be worse. Could have two mother-in-laws in the house. - Now, wait a minute. - And that'd really blow your marriage.

Blow it higher than Kelsey's eyebrows.

Okay, Mr. McNulty?

- Oh, my darling. - Hi, Mother.

Oh, you look fine! Except around the eyes.

Oh, you're still wearing that tragic little hat. I know I bought it, but it was a mistake.

Dear Mother. This is Val.

Hello.

- Natalie, I could claw you, but hello anyway. - Hello.

New York was miserable. Everybody looks at television.

There's a comedian who loses his pants. Hello, Colonel.

- Hello. How was the trip? - Terrible. I sat next to some chatterbox. She talked all the time.

- Look at the pilot. Who does he remind you of? - I don't know. - He's a dead ringer for Teddy Aykroyd.

You remember Teddy and the Belgian legation.

Oh, yes, there's something about his chin.

Oh, not his chin. Teddy didn't even have a chin.

- It's a set of those ears. - Mother, Mother, this is Val.

Well, I said hello. What am I supposed to say, that I'm glad to meet him? I don't want to be struck dead in my tracks.

Uh, my car's out here.

- Natalie, you've got a spare tire. - I know it. - You ought to ride a bike. - Something.

Mother, isn't it darling?

Of course, you never get any space in an apartment, do you?

Did I tell you about Freddie Palfrey? He's taken over the whole of the Giorgione Palace.

The great salon.

You could play polo in it.

Wedding presents, ha!

How soon can you break that?

- What, that good lamp? - Mother, this is our Ellen.

Well, Ellen, you've got your work all cut out for you. Every garment in every one of those suitcases has to be pressed.

You better call the cleaners.

- Ellen has enough to do. - Well... - Your last cleaning bill was nine dollars and a half.

I'll press them.

- Where's my room? - Right here, Mother.

There's a nice big closet and... and you don't get the morning sun.

- Where's my bathroom? - I'm afraid you'll have to share ours, darling.

Oh, but don't worry. There won't be any collisions. We'll work out a schedule.

When I'm on my way to the bathroom, I'm in no mood for protocol.

Well, there's a shower and stuff in my room. Why don't she sleep there and I'll sleep here?

No, thank you.

Maggie, dear, please ask your maid to say Mrs. Carleton when referring to me.

Oh, this is the bedroom.

Mrs. Carleton won't be with us for long.

I fixed those.

Well, at least that room's cool.

Maggie, you and I have a million things to catch up on. Why don't we share it?

Oh, but Mother, Val...

He's better equipped to negotiate that lower berth than I am.

But he needs his sleep.

Men can sleep anywhere.

It's all right, M(om)... Ellen.

Okay.

That face...

reminds me of someone I've seen.

- There's something about the mouth. - Oh, every face does, Mother. - No, it's someone I've seen recently.

I'll get the other stuff out of the car.

Thank you, darling.

- Does he play bridge? - Yes, Mother, he does. He also talks. He also has feelings.

- He's a wonderful human being, and I love him more than anything in the world. - Oh.

I checked the figures. They're ready for re-tap.

- Yeah, Betsy, uh, where were we? - Betsy was called down front an hour ago. You must have been napping ever since.

Oh... Yeah.

I don't get too much sleep at home lately.

- We have a house guest. - Why take that on? - It came.

It fills every corner of that flat like poison gas.

Listen, I have to take my wife to the movies to kiss her.

Knowing you, that must be kind of rough on the loges.

Let's get on with this stuff, huh?

- Get yourself another girl. I'm assigned a guide duty. - Oh, cut it out and sit down, will you?

For your information, I'm showing a lady around the plant. Mrs. Owen Williamson.

Mrs. Williamson?

Of Williamson, Maryland.

They flew into town last night. And parading the Middle West for being on the map.

She's in there now, powdering her nose.

- Where is that girl? - Here I am, Mrs. Williamson.

- Ah! This is the production department. I thought you might get some ideas. - Oh no! Nothing more in this warm weather, thank you.

Uh, take me to my husband, please.

Well, the boardroom's around to the left, but I don't think we should interrupt the meeting.

Oh, I've already given them twenty minutes grace.

- Mrs. Williamson, please. - Betsy! - Really!

What's this meeting about?

- Your project. - Without me? - Sure.

- I'm sick of being bypassed. I'm going in to see old Mr. Kalinger. - You can't, he's home with a cold. Junior's running the show.

- Excellent, gentlemen, excellent. - Excuse me for interrupting you, gentlemen.

- Lunchtime, Owen. - It can wait.

- These people have done a bang-up job. - Splendid, but you know what always happens when you're late for a meal?

- It's only 12:20. - It's 1:20 at home. Your stomach is still on daylight saving time.

Uh, we're only just keeping an ulcer at bay.

We'll settle it all tomorrow.

- Motion to adjourn? - Approved.

- Second the motion! - Aye. - Aye.

- Where are you going to eat, Jack? - I got a new place to eat.

How do you like our ultra-modern boardroom?

- You know, we were founded way back in 1912. - We were founded in 1760. You people are still on your shakedown cruise.

- I'd like a chance to talk to Mr. Williamson. - I'm handling this, McNulty.

There are some questions in on my pad. I expect complete answers tomorrow.

Work all night, if necessary.

Hello?

Hi.

Maggie, I'm going to be tied up at the office. I won't be home for dinner.

You're lucky. I'm doing the cooking.

Ellen's out.

Mr. Kalinger called.

He's having luncheon tomorrow for some out-of-town people, so I loaned him Ellen.

- You did what? - Oh, just for a few hours today.

- It's that chocolate cake of hers. - You shouldn't have done that, Maggie. What do you think we are, the Help Wanted column?

Well, I'm not pleased.

They don't call me in on a conference, but...

when they need somebody to make them some chow, they don't hesitate. You should have had more sense!

Well, Val, Val, just a second. Let me say something.

You can't lend my... I mean...

you can't lend Ellen around like an old lawnmower.

What's the row?

Nothing.

That was... That was just the chicken man.

They have surprise.

Yes, they usually hang up on their customers.

Oh, darling, don't cut me out of your life. That was your husband yelling at you.

- Something happened at the office. - And he takes it out on his wife.

Oh, how common an underbred can you get?

Don't you ever get tired of striking that one note, Mother?

So loyal.

So pitifully loyal.

- Won't even admit that you married beneath you. - I did not.

Then who is he? What is he? Have you ever met his family?

No, Mother, I haven't. And that's more than he can say of mine.

I said I'm not to be disturbed.

- Well, those cakes are in the oven. Now it's time to tackle your throat. - Leave me alone.

All I want is some old-fashioned gruel.

Yeah, but we're not taking any chances.

Open that top button.

I know how to take care of me.

"Feed a cold and starve a fever."

That's what Sam always used to say.

Sam was my husband.

Oh, nice fella?

Every stray dog in town loved him.

- They say that's a test. - Oh wow. - The colder the better.

Do you like Sam?

You bet.

Even though he used to hit that bottle and didn't make it home many nights.

- I guess I'd have seen more of him if I'd been a fox terrier. - So you left him?

I buried him.

He up and died one day.

Oh, that's too bad.

No, Sam didn't mind too much.

- You know what his big beef was at the end? - No.

He worried about the funeral.

Our davenport was out getting fixed.

He was afraid the house would look bare when the people came.

Oh, I guess he wasn't much of a bargain, but...

I loved him.

It's been a long time...

But I still think about him quite a bit.

You never married again?

Uh-huh.

- Don't think this is a sick room visit. - Just want to borrow your brogues. We're playing some golf. - They're in there.

Mrs. Williamson isn't very impressed with our club membership, but she's letting him play.

- My wife was born with rigor mortis. - I'm giving him a stroke a hole. - Pretty cocky, aren't you?

- That was a peach of a survey he made. - Thank you, thank you. - Have you come to terms?

The luncheon tomorrow, I've invited the Blackmeres, the Hatfields, the Stones. Everybody concerned.

Mrs. Williamson may find them rather crude.

She will. These will do.

- I'll have them shine. Make it snappy. - Oh, get lost.

- How was that? - You heard her.

- Aren't you... - Mr. McNulty's cook.

- And she's here to do us a favor. - Are we playing golf or aren't we? Come on.

Well, if you want to play in dusty shoes...

- I could have done it, I suppose. - Oh, don't mind my son.

When he was nine years old, I got a letter from his teacher.

He was the only kid in the third grade who didn't like Abraham Lincoln.

We got to change this.

Got to get you in shape for that luncheon tomorrow.

- Say, if my folks eat here, I can have a day off. - Oh, good. Get a day off.

Well, if they eat here, I will. Give me time for a little bowling.

You bowl?

- 160. - Not bad.

What do you mean: "if they eat here"? Are they invited?

Well, if it's about that survey, they ought to be.

Mr. McNulty dreamed it up himself right from scratch.

- Nobody told me. - Well, I'm telling you now. - Uh-huh!

- Would you like a glass of lemonade? - No, thank you. - Would you? - No, thank you.

- Bless you for saving me. - They're awfully pleasant women. - Oh, but I'm sweltering with the heat.

I've eaten much too heavy a luncheon.

I'm not interested in the nurseries, or the servant problem, or the bad bridge of the Corn Belt.

Oh, you naughty child. I didn't see that throw.

Oh, I'm sorry. It was a four and a five. Ought I play again?

No, of course not.

Aha! I got you that time.

Oh!

There we are.

Listen, that's not a woman. It's a horse.

In our organization, we don't allow our directors to have wives like that.

You put them out of the way painlessly, I hope.

We hand-pick our young executives and make quite certain that their families are presentable.

Oh, incidentally, my husband... suggested that I look you over.

Oh? Then he's impressed with Val!

- Oh, if only Mr. Kalinger is too. - Mr. Kalinger? Oh, my dear child.

- If only you had the good chance to come with us. - Anything I can get you, Mrs. Williamson?

I only want cool breeze blowing off the Atlantic.

- How's it going? - A landslide for McNulty. I handled it rather neatly.

Yesterday, I sold him the survey. Today, I trot out your husband on a silver platter.

So that's why we were suddenly asked to this party today. Oh, Junior, you're a darling.

Mrs. McNulty, have you given up this game?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I can't play.

- Box card. - Let me shake for you, Mrs. McNulty.

- That extra rattle is the pieces of my heart. - Oh!

Oh, I'm in business again. Never leave my side.

Junior, we need you.

Okay.

The wonder boy will be working nights. You have my phone number.

I work nights, too. I'm a wife-sitter.

What a dreadful young man.

Junior's a friend of mine, Mrs. Williamson.

And he's just done Val a great service.

So I gather.

Are you being very wise, my dear?

- What do you mean? - Well... even to help your husband...

Should your father's daughter involve herself with a lout like that? He might give you real trouble!

You don't understand the circumstances, Mrs. Williamson.

Junior's genuinely fond of me.

- What's more, I'm fond of him. - Oh! So those attentions were welcome?

Those pawings.

- There weren't any pawings! - Ha-ha! Oh, my dear.

How broad-minded can you get?

Hmm... Shall we finish the game?

Yes, I think we'd better.

Six and a five, I can't play.

Six and a one!

I get both of you.

Again you whisked away the dice.

It was a six and a one.

- Oddly enough, I don't cheat at games. - Then play correctly.

- Throw again. - I will not. - What?

- You're the rudest woman I've ever seen. - I beg your pardon?

Since we've been at this table, you've sneered at the town I live in, criticized our hosts,

- implied that I'm carrying on a shabby love affair, and accused me of cheating. - Oh, don't be ridiculous.

- I merely corrected your gaming manners. - I won't inflict them on you any longer.

- Excuse me. - You we... What a naughty girl! - Maggie, what's happened?

Well, I think I've got the answer to your objections, Mr. Williamson.

- Just roll them at me one by one, will you? - Can you deliver?

I'm terribly sorry, but may I have the keys to the car?

- Don't you feel well? - Perfectly, but I just want to go home.

- That dreadful woman! - I'd like to speak to my husband about that horrible woman. - Oh, what has she done? - Oh, that one!

- Maggie, what have you done? - Better ask what she's done.

- Give me those keys! - I'll take you, Maggie.

Please go back to your bridge game and let the silence fall.

That goes for all of us.

What were you saying, McNulty?

It's made up from a secret formula for someone so important, they won't even tell you her name.

- But it hurts. - Oh, it's agony. But I think that gives you so much more confidence in the thing, don't you?

I give myself at least...

- Well, who stole the meat out of her sandwich?

It's kind of a hectic moment for me to introduce myself, Mrs. Carleton.

You're Junior Kalinger, aren't you? Ellen, wait.

Won't you have something to drink?

First you better tell us what's up.

Ellen, for the thousandth time I've told you people are not called "he" and "she".

Are you good at faces? Who does she remind you of? I'm being driven absolutely mad.

Sounds like I'm a "she" to you.

Will you sit up for a minute, Maggie?

Yes.

They're all still at the Kalinger house.

I'm going to call up and ask for Mrs. Williamson.

She promised she'd come to the phone.

You can make any excuse that comes to your mind. The heat, the food. You aren't used to wine at that time of the day.

Anything!

So long as you say you're sorry.

But Val, she should be calling me.

Very likely, but do it just the same.

- Val, you can't ask me. - I'm not asking you.

I'm telling you.

Hello?

Will you put Mrs. Williamson on, please?

Mrs. McNulty wants to talk to her.

Yes, Mrs. McNulty.

My husband tells me you'll be kind enough to accept my apologies, Mrs. Williamson.

That's very sweet of you.

I'm so sorry I was rude.

Oh, one more thing.

You were quite right about Junior Kalinger. I do enjoy being pawed by him.

But I suppose my father wouldn't have liked it, would he?

Thanks for the hint.

- Are you out of your mind, Maggie? - You told me to apologize about everything?

- She never said anything. - How do you know what she said?

You didn't bother to inquire. You just took it for granted I was wrong.

- Whatever I did, you shouldn't have said that. - You asked for it. You got it.

Maggie...

Shouldn't you be getting back to your meeting?

Yes, I should.

That was a stinking trick, Maggie.

Will you shut up?

Maggie, I'm not going to have you lie awake all night.

Maggie, stop looking at that door. I've told him you won't see him tonight and you're going to stick to it.

Oh, just have a little dignity for once!

- I wonder what happened at that meeting. - It's no concern of yours.

Now, you just swallow one of these pills and you'll sleep for eight solid hours.

Here. You know who gave them to me? I wouldn't want it known. Mussolini.

He was a terrible man, but he ate well and he slept well.

I think I ought to see him.

You will not. He's humiliated you as I've never known a woman to be humiliated. He's made you eat crow.

What will he do next?

Probably strike you.

Or betray you for some woman.

Oh! 112!

I've never weighed more than 105 in my life.

When I married your father, I was 99 and one ounce.

I remember somebody at the wedding reception saying: "She's so tiny you'll have to shake the sheets to find her."

- It's the food in this house. - If you don't like it, you're awfully polite about second helpings.

That's the trouble. It's a constant temptation.

The spirit is willing, but the flesh is increasing.

That Ellen.

I've lived places where they would have flogged a servant for such impertinence.

- She can cook. - That I have to admit.

How much do you pay her?

I don't know, Mother. I don't care. Val handles that.

You don't know.

What you don't know about that man would fill a book.

Ah, speaking of books, Simon & Schuster want me to write a book.

My memoirs.

One thing I can tell you.

Mr. Val McNulty will be covered by a footnote.

Maggie, you aren't even listening!

Didn't I tell you those were wonderful pills?

- Oh! - You're telling me!

It's all my fault, you know.

No, it ain't.

You're both right and you're both wrong.

- Oh, how do you know, Mom? - It's always that way with the first big row.

The best kind is where nobody wins.

Look at you. You're on her side already.

And she'd be on yours...

...if she'd been lucky enough to be born an orphan.

Well, I'm glad I wasn't anyway.

Cheer up, kid.

Big fight will give you something to talk about in your old age.

The best making up your Pop and me ever had, we could only see on a one eye each.

- Oh, Mom, you're killing me. - Your old man was a sucker for a left hook.

Oh, listen, be careful.

The big gab raids the icebox along about now.

How about the deal?

Did you get the contract?

Yep.

And Kalinger came through with a bonus.

At least I can get you out of that kitchen.

Might be safer.

- Hey, Val. - What?

Could you lend me have 300 bucks?

Sure.

You got something planned?

Well, the other day I met a couple of friends of mine.

You don't know them.

But they was telling me about the swellest location. Right opposite a horse parlor!

- Not another hamburger stand? - Why not?

Look, Mom, you stop being so thick.

From now on you're going to take it easy.

- No hamburger stand. - Listen, don't you decide what I'm going to do. I'll decide it. - No!

- Uh, come and look at it anyway. - Look, I'm very busy. I don't have time to look at it.

Look, sweetheart. All I'm asking is one little hour tomorrow night.

Come on. Give me a break.

Oh, the way you sweet talk me into anything.

Tomorrow morning at breakfast you tell her you have to work late at the factory and I'll ask for my day off.

- Where we meet? - In your car at the factory.

Okay, good night.

Hey, aren't you gonna kiss me goodnight?

Oh, you're a persistent devil.

- Good night! - Good night!

Here's your sports section.

I just want to know the score with my wife.

It's all right.

Just all right?

Oh, Maggie...

Well...

- Can you ever forgive me? - Can you ever forgive me!?

- That was loathsome of me to say that about Junior. - It's a good thing you did.

By the time I got back, Mr. Kalinger had told her how things stood.

He never saw such a change in a woman.

She'd apologize if she knew how.

- Then I didn't spoil the deal. - Spoil it?

- They even offered me a job at Williamson. - Oh!

- Not that it would interest us. - Why not? Wouldn't it be good for you?

- Oh, you couldn't stand that old girl. - I'll have her eating out of my hand.

8.45, kids.

Breakfast!

Well, you two worked up a good appetite, and him, without even time to swallow a cup of coffee.

Who's she in mourning for?

- Hi, Mrs. Carleton. - Hello, Mother.

Bacon and eggs or hotcakes?

Nothing!... whatever.

Anything wrong, Mother? Didn't you sleep well?

No.

Well, I gotta jump.

- Anything special you want for dinner, darling? - Whatever you have.

Oh, what am I thinking of? I'll be at the office tonight.

I'll... I'll set send for a sandwich.

- Oh, well, if he ain't coming home for dinner, I'd like my day off. - Oh, sure. - So long, everybody.

I left some spaghetti in the icebox. You can warm it up for you and your mom.

I'm going to make one of your cheese souffles, and it's going to be good!

- At it, girl. - Now be off with you. - Just a minute, Ellen.

- Is this your regular day out? - Oh, Mother, Ellen can take any day she wants. Beat it.

Coffee, Mother?

Anything that woman cooked would poison me!

Well, how many of those Mussolini pills did you take?

He's driving away.

- Be sure and catch the milkman, or else leave a note. - I will. Have a good time, angel. - Angel will.

Mother? What are you doing?

I want no ear at that keyhole. I don't want to have to interrupt myself.

Maggie, put down that coffee cup and listen to what I'm going to say.

Now... I wonder how much you know about the, uh, aberrations that sometimes overtake the male sex.

Fantastic things.

Men who appear perfectly respectable.

Well, I myself once knew a brigadier general who couldn't be left alone with a French telephone.

- Why not? - Well, I... I wouldn't dare tell you.

Maggie, control yourself.

Don't you understand that I'm trying to break to you some terrible news about Val!?

- You mean to say there's something he can't be left alone with? - No, not something.

Somebody... Ellen!

Oh, Mother, you're a riot!

Come with me.

Here is where they were standing.

He came out of her room.

He was wearing his pajamas!

She was wearing her nightgown.

And there's where I was... with the chicken leg.

Maggie... they were kissing!

I never finished that chicken leg.

- Maggie, where are you going? - I'm calling the Congers. They'll just have to take you off my hands.

When you start making up stories like that, well, I won't have you under the same roof with Val.

But it's true.

What's more, they are meeting tonight!

- Here, you talk to Natalie yourself. Tell them you're coming. - I will not.

- If you want my oath, get a Bible! - Oh, Mother!

- How do you do? - Yes, what is it?

- Could you please tell us where we can find Mrs. McNulty? - Well, I'm Mrs. McNulty.

- But I'm very busy right now. - Oh, we're looking for the other Mrs. McNulty.

We got some new dope on that hamburger stand.

Well, there are lots of McNultys in town. You've got the wrong address.

But we brought Ellen here.

Well, there is an Ellen in the house, but she's not in right now.

- And what gives you the idea that her name is McNulty? - Well, what else could it be?

- She's your mother-in-law, ain't she? - Ah! I knew I knew that face!

Come in.

Come right in.

Wait here, please.

- Mr. Val McNulty, please. - Production department, to the right. - Maggie, this is a holiday!

- Hang up the flag, set off the siren, my Maggie at the Kalinger plant. - I have to see Val.

I hope it isn't against the rules at this hour.

- It's important. - Listen, you're shaking. You're pale. Come into my office.

Send McNulty in.

- It's awfully kind of you. - Mr. McNulty, Mr. Kalinger Jr. wants to see you.

I gather you don't want me to ask any questions, but, uh...

wouldn't you like a snort of brandy or something? - No, thanks.

But I could do with a cigarette.

Thanks.

Come in.

Hi.

Is anything wrong?

Just a trifle.

A little matter of... Ellen McNulty.

Oh...

Well, I...

I guess I'd better explain.

I hope you can. Then maybe I won't find it so unpleasant being in the same room with you.

- Aren't you taking this kind of big? - Big, little. Who decides?

You were ashamed of somebody I'd love and respect under any circumstances. You hid her from me!

You didn't trust me.

That isn't being married, Val. That's living with someone. It isn't being married.

Look, I knew it was a mistake, but, well...

- She cooked it up, and the way things happened, there was nothing I could do. - Oh, don't give me that.

It was just part of your drive to get ahead.

You wanted to be uppercase for the Kalingers and the Williamsons.

You're a snob!

The big joke is, I've spent half my life dodging snobs, and I wind up drawing you.

- Maggie, you know me well enough. - No, I don't.

I don't know you at all! I married a stranger!

Everybody marries a stranger!

Oh...

This won't get us anywhere.

Maybe you'd better talk to...

- to my mother. - Oh no! Thanks.

I might be offended by her grammar, or I might despise her for not going to college like you.

- I ought to slug you for that. - You'd better hurry. I'll be out of town tomorrow.

- Where are you going? - Mexico. To establish residence.

All right, go!

I warned you, you shouldn't marry a guy like me. This whole thing is just too low down for you.

Find yourself somebody like Junior. He's just about your speed.

Goodbye, Val. Thanks for paying the rent.

I sent away your taxi, Maggie. I'm taking you home.

I'm not going home.

Mother and I have moved to the hotel.

The Meridian Plaza.

Maggie, if you don't want me to bust, tell me what's up.

Some other woman?

In a way... His mother.

And I'm not going to talk about it.

- Ellen! Well, what are you doing here? Need a retooling? - From the ground up.

I can't talk to you now. I've got to find my boy.

- You've got a boy that works here? What's his name? - Val McNulty.

And I got him in big trouble.

Well, Ellen, I don't get it. You were there as his cook.

That's the trouble. Where can I find him?

- He'll be coming right through this door here. That two for a nickel jerk. - Don't you talk about him like that!

- Good night. Good night, Mr. Kalinger. - Good night. He'll be coming through...

Ellen, here's a place you can sit and watch for him right here.

- Stay put, Henry. - Yes, sir.

How could he make you do a thing like that?

Make me?

Nothing could have stopped me.

I knew what he and Maggie were up against and I wanted to help them out.

All right, so it was a dumb idea, but Val knows I do dumb things.

Like one Christmas when he was a little boy.

We didn't have any money and...

- and I didn't want him to feel bad in front of the other kids so I bought him a cowboy suit. - Fair enough.

Only a couple of days later I had to take it back to the store.

And there wasn't a peep out of Val.

He just told the other kids he decided he was going to be a fireman.

- He knew all along we had to take it back. - Well, so he was an all right kid. - He's always been all right.

He only got mad at me once in his life and...

and that was when he caught me kiting a check.

Doing what to a check?

You know, at the end of the month when you haven't got any money to pay a bill...

Well, you write out a check.

Only it's on the wrong bank.

So, two or three days later they call you up, but... by that time you got some money.

So you say to them: "Uh, hmm, wasn't that a silly mistake for me to make?"

Ellen, that's against the law!

Yeah, I know.

The man at the gas company said if I ever got to Wall Street they'd have Black Friday every week.

There he is now.

Oh, yeah.

- You can go along now, Henry. - Yes, sir.

I'm putting all your heavy things on top and don't tell me Acapulco's a tropical town, because it's in tropical towns you freeze to death.

Now remember, I'll expect a letter every week via American Express Rome. They'll find me wherever I am.

- Maggie, don't you want to see Val? - I just want to get out of this town.

- Why do young people think they can cure anything by getting on a train? - You never know who you'll meet while traveling.

Oh, at last, our tea.

- Oh,... Mr. Kalinger. - I know you're incommunicado, Maggie, but don't try to give me the brush off.

Mr. Kalinger, this is my mother.

- And you know the Congers. - Hi.

Now, don't think anybody sent me here or that I'm anybody's messenger.

You're a girl I like and I want to buy you a farewell drink.

- But, Mr. Kalinger, I have to start for my train in an hour. - I said we'd have one drink. Come on.

- I haven't even finished packing. - Don't worry about the packing, my dear. One drink will take five minutes. Come on.

- That man! - He is rather brusque. - Oh, he's divine!

He's just my type!

How about in there?

That ought to offer a nice corner for holding hands.

Anyplace, so long as you don't lecture me.

- Do I look like a man who gives lectures? - Uh-huh.

Well, I'm not. I just got over a sore throat.

- But... this is a private party. - Yes, mine.

I thought you said you were nobody's messenger.

And I'm not. I dug this up myself.

- I don't like it, Mr. Kalinger. - I'm too old for public bickering. If you want to quarrel, quarrel with your own husband.

Hello, Maggie.

In case you want to confer in private, this is to the bridal suite.

Your boss seems to have been studying up on back numbers of true romance.

- I thought you'd gone. - The six twenty.

We're leaving, too.

- Williamson, Maryland? - Yes.

You said we.

You're not taking Ellen?

- Why not? - Oh, very bad for your career!

- Back there, it's just like one big happy family. She'd never fit in. - Let me worry about my career, will you?

You can't do that to Ellen.

Remember that woman?

Mrs. Williamson, this is Mr. James Connolly.

- How do you do, Mrs. Williamson? - How do you do, Mr. Connolly?

She's the person you thought I was.

Ellen would be miserable.

Any further advice?

No. You can always hide her in the kitchen.

The Kalinger party?

The Kalinger party?

You know, I've always said that wine was the only civilized drink.

- Mrs. Williamson? - Oh, yes, Mr. McNulty.

- I brought somebody I know you'd like to meet. - Of course.

- Back in Maryland, you two are bound to see a lot of each other. - Yes, we're very matey back there. - Yes.

That's why I thought my mother should have a look at you.

At me?

Mom... this is... Mrs. Williamson.

I'm pleased to meet you.

Yes.

So, this is your mother?

Mom's got a good nose for people.

- You get one standing year in, year out behind a hamburger stand. - What people?

What hamburger stand?

Oh, he... He's talking about the time the fella come up to my wagon lugging a heavy suitcase.

His face give me the creeps!

I wouldn't even sell him a weenie.

You know what he had in that suitcase?

- I haven't the vaguest idea. - His wife. He sent it to Baltimore the next day. C.O.D.

What a horrible story!

Oh, Mom's got a million of them.

Really, Mr. McNulty, what's the point of all this?

Well, I'll tell you.

Here we are.

A package. Not a very fancy package. But you'll take us as is or not at all.

- Catch on? - There's no remote possibility. - Thank you and good night, Mrs. Owen Williamson.

- Good night. - Val!

Oh, Maggie.

This time it ain't my fault.

I know I shouldn't be here.

- No lipstick, this terrible hat. - It's a lovely hat.

A wonderful hat. A brave hat.

- Val, is your car outside? - It's in gear. - Will you take me home?

Oh, you can't go home now. The joint's full of horseplayers.

- What? - Well, wait a minute. I'll clear them out. - Mom!

You won't have to disturb your friends.

Not for days and days.

- Oh! Maggie, wait! Where are you going? - Wait a minute, Fran.

- Fran? - You leave them alone.

They're going to set up shop all over again. This time without you and without me.

I'm going over there now and pack and then I'm going to scoot.

- And you're going to scoot too. - Well, you can scoot if you want to. But I'm sticking by my child.

Not in that house, Jane. Because if you do, I'll move right back in there with you.

Only this time on a brand new basis.

We'll split up on the cooking and you can do all the laundry.

On account of I think I need a couple of facials.

Think it over, Tootsie.

Tootsie!

You need a drink.

- How would you like to have a mother like that? - I'd cut my throat.

You would?

Well, that makes it easier.

Ellen!

Get in!

- I'm all wet. - Get in. I want to talk with you.

- Some other time when I'm not dripping all over the place. - Ellen McNulty, get in this car!

- You know something? - What? - Stray dogs like me, too. - What?

Oh, I can see how they would.

Go ahead, Henry.

Subtitles by: Vitaly (vipo) (Leningrad (USSR)-Gush Dan (Israel)) August 18, 2026 Editing program: "Subtitle Edit"