Original subtitles

No.

Be gone!

What?

Be gone!

Scoot!

Grateful woman.

Only the best for you.

Whoops.

Oh, it's looking good, Dave.

No worries.

Anything for you, Lou.

What's the sense in sharing this one and only life?

I can't believe we're finally opening, Chloe.

This is just perfect, isn't it?

You know when the estate agent showed me round, she said, I'm so sorry.

You're going to have to gut the place. It's not been touched since the 70s. I

said, are you kidding, love? It's perfect.

It is like a time capsule.

Just got time to get my lucky cream up. Are we open?

What is that?

I ran away to London when I was a teenager.

Got into hairdressing.

And I was working all the high-end salons.

All the top folk were coming in.

I knew them all. And they knew me. It were lovely. And when they'd had a

whizzer and I was sweeping up after, I'd preserve a look.

Rod Stewart.

Dennis Cassidy look.

George Best.

So black it's almost deep blue.

Noddy Holden.

Blondie. It's the goodies.

Kate Bush.

Parkinson himself.

Oh, Donna Summer.

That is a clip of Bjorn's beard from ABBA. And my prize?

A snippet, dear David.

Bowie.

From his Ziggy days.

Sorry, it's just... It is eight tenths off the perpendicular and a centimetre

off the vertical, so... May I?

Yeah.

So exciting.

I've been researching the 70s since I got the job.

I like to be thorough.

I noticed that at your interview. Is that why I got the job?

Oh, hey.

I do like this music.

That is why you got the job. Come on, give us a twirl.

Watch out!

Yeah, it's mainly junk.

I'm gutting the place.

I'm having a really good clear out.

And... There's one of two things you might want to pass your experienced eye

over. Mr. Terry, I've got a hair appointment.

What? A hair appointment.

Shh.

Sorry, Mace.

Well, to be honest, Terrence, I don't envisage there being much for me. And to

be frank, I don't fancy a trip out for now.

Hey, don't be too hasty. There's a few choice things. Here, let me look.

Er, nice candlestick.

Condiment holder.

Antique cup and saucer. One second, pray.

Please describe... Well, it's... Wait there. Let me take four.

Hang on. Let me get some light.

Two seconds, race.

Did you get the photo?

Yes. Yes, I got it all right.

I'm coming over.

Keep it safe.

Rizzle.

Mr.

Terry, we agreed that if I work late last night, I could have a few hours off

today. I'm already late, and if I miss that bus... Yes, yes.

Go then. Waddle on.

You did say you'd try and sort something out for the charity show.

I've already donated my Frank's stuff after he... Oh, yes, yes.

Just take that box of crap.

It's going in the skip anyway.

Move it! And get back, Bronto!

Blimey, Nick, what a rush!

Sorry, so sorry. Can I leave this here? Of course you can.

I've got to get it down to the charity shop.

Then after that, straight on the bus and back to work.

That painting's a bit circa 1970, isn't it?

Oh, have it if you like. It was destined for the skip.

Just don't ask me which way up it goes.

She's struggling for money, poor love.

Oh, £25.

Welcome is that.

How did you know?

I'm a hairdresser. Read the cook, kid. What?

She's going deaf in the left ear as well.

You're our first ever customer.

Pardon, love?

You're our first ever customer.

Oh, sorry, love. I'm a bit hard of hearing in this blinking side.

Sorry. She has the hair always pushed back over the left ear. You can see the

permanent kink.

I'm Val, by the way. Valerie Stromboli, isn't it?

It is, love.

There hangs a tale.

I remember my first cut here as a girl. My mother brought me.

It's exactly the same. In fact, I think that very track was playing.

Oh, it's lovely, isn't it?

Clary's a convert.

So, take a seat in Sir Swivel.

Are you all right? I never look in the mirror for more than a second or two

lately.

Look at the sorry, sorry state of being.

Are you sure you're all right?

Can I get you a tea or a coffee?

Ever since my friend went, I've let myself go.

You're with us now.

Leave yourself in my hands.

I'm here for my appointment.

Sorry? At what time was it?

Now.

Now?

I've got nothing in my book, I'm afraid.

Every third month, I have it on this time, on this date. Sorry, the last time

I sold up, love.

But it's no problem, if you can wait.

No!

Oh, dear.

Don't give her any mind, that's Miss Prue.

No need to explain.

Those with straight fringes that go that way are always like that. What do you

mean? They've no patience.

She moves around the town like that.

That's Bob-on. They call her Miss Prune, ever cue.

Yeah, she lives alone.

She was in the teaching profession, probably. And she is not popular with

anyone. Yes?

How did you know?

Oh, she's like the hairdressing hoes.

Elementary, my dear Chloe.

They all blink in lot there, all right.

Except she's no time for anyone.

Except a tidgey dog.

And even she can't stand her.

Spinster of the parish.

Oh, not quite.

I could tell you a few things about old Prue. And a certain gentleman antique

dealer. Oh, hanky-panky.

Well, let's just say, furtive conversations in darkened corners.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I can't settle until I've got that box to the charity shop and back to work.

Oh, don't you worry about that. I'll nip it up in my break.

She's not moving.

Oh, she's scarier.

Let me get my maddy-baddy face on.

Not yet.

It's on the sign.

Never fails.

Oh, there's another one.

Not... Oh, my God.

It's her. It's her.

It's you.

The new hairdresser in town.

You're not supposed to be in because of this sale.

Oh. We'll start it sideways.

Come on in. Come in. Just bringing a box. Put the box down there. Okay.

Thanks. And would you mind terribly putting those on? Oh, what's this?

Leaflets. You know. Well, welcome to the Harrods of Handle Down, as

it's known.

Here, let's get these products placed.

Ooh, 25% off.

Get this, Dobby. Oh, I love some of that.

What brought you here, dear?

Oh, a place of my own, somewhere quiet, doing what I love best.

What about you?

Samesies. I danced all over.

Cabarets, casinos, cruises.

Till me tendons screamed out for mercy and I find my calling here among the

castoffs. Oh, don't encourage him.

He'll be given his story via means of interpretive dance in a minute.

Where'd you come from? Oh, worked in London most of my career.

Oh, I got a taste of smoking. Oh, drag review of Piccadilly. Oh.

I'm wearing second-hand hats, second-hand clothes.

Never had a single thing that's new.

We had Danny Laraboo in our shop once. Don't tell me. Was she working at

Sassoon's and Leonard of Mayfair, all that lot?

Yeah.

Be still my beating heart. That must have been marvellous.

Here you are.

Meet the mob.

Lonnie. Lily.

And on ironing and pricing and everything else, we have... Dubby!

Our grand Friday.

She does the lot.

Oh, and on sorting and sudden grunts, we have the bad lads in the back.

Community service. Right, right, right.

Lads!

I hope.

They won't be requiring your 25% off, as you may have noticed.

Good thing you've come when you've come.

We're about to lower the drawbridge.

God save us.

Hang on to everything that's not nailed down. Dobby's bingo dobber went last

time, didn't it, love?

Here, you'll be losing this one and on.

Initialed and on.

Me lucky dobber.

Dobby's a bingo barmy. Goes nowhere without your dobber, do you, Dovelet?

Cheeky.

I had a lipstick that hue in 72.

God, love us. What a mess.

Dear, oh dear.

Terrence! All right, Rhys. Hey.

Yeah. All right. Yeah, just brushing off the dust and the past.

Too many memories, you see. I recall this establishment in its heyday.

I bet you do.

Last owner just took off.

I got it as a job lock.

So much junk. Look.

Hey, let me show you that tea cup. Yes, yes, yes.

Wait.

Daphne has taken the wrong box. Right, before we go any further, this was

definitely it.

Course it bloody was.

Right, sorry, where is it?

The charity shop.

You do realise it was worth 35 at least?

Oh, great.

35 quid on the toilet?

No.

35,000.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Do you like me here?

What?

Here.

What a hole. I know.

It was like Raiders of the Lost Ark, though I did get out by a whisker.

What? The charge of the four-for-two tsunami.

Hey, and guess who was at the head of it? Elbow-knocker Goodman, who

misproved. She glared at me with a, Get out of my way or die!

And the corners on that trolley, ow!

Like the daggers on Boudicca's chariot wheel.

Come on, Val, step out for goodness sake. I'm so sorry!

Hop in the back.

OK.

Beautiful, Barney.

The box!

Have you still got that box?

Where's the teacup? Sorry?

The teacup man.

Sorry, what? It was in the box I brought.

Oh, that box.

It's still by the door.

Shift.

Shift.

Nothing here.

It must have been sold then.

Didn't see it go, no.

I never miss a sale or a receipt.

Whatever the siege, no teacup passed by me.

Listen here, you.

I need that teacup back.

Listen here, foghorn.

No teacup was sold.

You're saying it's been nicked?

Must have been.

I want this place turned over. Do you hear me? I want my teacup back. It's

been turned over.

Everything's gone.

There's been tonnes of people through this place. It could be anywhere.

I want it!

Hey! Hey!

Calm down. Calm down, old boy. Someone must have seen something, right?

I'm letting you know.

I will get that teacup and saucer back if it kills me. Or I have to kill

someone.

And you're sacked.

Well, just to explain his rather over-temperate reaction, this is a piece

dating from the 18th century.

Oh, swipe me sideways.

I mean, it is what you might call most collectible.

Here, see.

Oh, that's beautiful.

Exquisite.

Oh, I like that. It's lovely.

And it is worth £35,000.

But cup must come with saucer.

Only the best for you.

It was crazy.

And Lonnie turned the whole shop over again once they'd gone and it wasn't

there.

The van just missed her.

It was going hell for leather.

Oh, she's terrified, poor thing.

Let's have a look at the identification.

Miss Prudence Snook, 114 Chapel Street.

I reckon that's that Miss Prue that came in here. They did say she had a dog.

Oh, poor baby.

We'd better get her back.

I guess it must be that one. It must be that one.

We found your dog.

We'll leave you.

There we go. We can't just... Miss Prue?

Hello. Yeah?

Safe travels.

Wasn't that in the mind of that witch, to be honest?

That's what I heard anyway.

Take care.

And if you hear anything else, you know... Miss Prue was known to the

police. She was diagnosed as a kleptomaniac.

Blimey. We were watching her, but assured by her doctor that she was

cured. Obviously not.

I mean, it looks like a simple and sad accident waiting to happen. There's way

too much stuff here. She was climbing the ladder and fell.

What? I'm sorry, you can't come in here.

No.

Sorry? What's going on?

Just on my way back from bingo, saw the police car and that.

I'll have to ask you to leave, thank you.

There's been an accident.

It's Miss Prue.

She's dead.

Terrible accident, according to the undertakers.

Crushed to death by her own spoils.

Now, please, ladies, I really need everyone to... She's a kleptomaniac, it

seems. Is she?

Oh, isn't that like a thief who's not a thief?

Kleptomania is the inability to resist the urge to steal items, usually for

reasons other than personal use of financial gain. She got stuff from all

over the village, by the looks of things.

Crushed, you say?

Right there.

God, what a way to go.

Seen quite a few things from the charity shop. Please, Madam, both of you will

have to leave now. I recognise that sundial. That's from the park. Yes, yes.

Out you go, please. Nothing too large or too small, it seems. Oh, look, there.

Those curling tons. They're ours, aren't they?

Yes, they are.

Well, she must have taken them when she came in the shop.

God, she was quick.

I'm crafting all right. Best not to touch anything yet.

Oh.

Shoo! Oh, I'm allergic to dogs.

That's me gone.

Where's the...? Newsflash.

That's what we call Wincy.

She'll be off now.

I'll be all over the village in a trice.

I don't know if this is the right time, but can you book me in for ten tomorrow?

You got that, Clary? Yeah, I will do.

Bye, all.

So, so sad.

Shoo! Lily, she's all on her own.

What's going to happen to her now?

She'll be putting a pound overnight.

Oh, the poor little thing.

Clary, get her food and some tins.

We'll take her overnight.

Oh, I'm not sure the protocol... Yeah, yeah, I'll just...

I'll just make a note of it.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

There might be more to this than meets the eye.

Can't think on an empty stomach.

Let's settle the dog, and then I'll treat you to a meal.

Yeah, well, what I'm hearing is that she was one of those klepto things, you

know. Cheers, mate. Hale.

Hale. Hale. I don't know how I come to think of it. I was always a box of

wooden forks down when she'd been by. Yeah, it's like everything she'd stolen

just turned on her.

Does anyone know anymore?

No. Well, listen to this.

Apparently, she stormed out of the charity shop earlier.

She stormed in and out of here?

Dobby from charity shop were in buying everybody a chippy tea to cheer them up.

I mean, it's been chaos down there today.

Oh, aye, yeah. The incident with that Terry's tea cup, yeah.

Hey, listen, go on about the proof, because this might be her last sighting.

Dobby saw her crew sliding into the front of the queue, but Dobby said

something to her.

Kiss.

What was it? I saw you.

I think she said.

She's an half-wagon.

She's stormed out of our shop too.

You're her, aren't you?

You're the new hairdresser, aren't you?

Yeah. Who's asking?

It is her, yeah.

She's from London. Do you do walk-ins? Yep.

Everyone welcome.

Yeah.

Do you mind?

Here you go, Kev.

Get serving, lad.

That's another one mad for you.

What?

Look at the size of your chips compared to mine.

And that young copper from before, too, Constable?

Smitten.

You honestly don't know, do you?

These are the best chips in the normal world, aren't they?

So what are you thinking, Clary?

The trajectory looked after me.

What do you mean?

The body. How it had fallen.

I used to cut for the head of CID.

And he said...

Every corpse tells a story.

It didn't look right for a fall from a height.

The intersections of points and plane relate to the body's postulate

configurations. It did not, to me, indicate a fall from a height.

Loose ends? Loose ends.

Lily? Have you solved crimes before?

Let's just say it.

They used to help sort things out sometimes.

Hairdressers.

Charity shop.

Chippy.

Then round bread.

Rune have a queue and everybody knows that.

So what was it?

I sent her running off like that.

Loose ends.

Lopsided, got to clip it up neat.

Who wanted her?

Dead?

Well, half the blinking village, it seems.

Clary.

It's murder.

So, what are we after?

Oh, I don't know.

Just to tidy up. I always have the same.

Well, I think we can improve on that, don't you, Clary?

Ike.

So,

any more news on Miss Prue?

Only that the police think it was an accident.

Aye, waiting to happen by the looks of things.

Still, what a way to go, eh?

You must have been one of the last people to see her.

I suppose I was.

Shot out of that chippy door like lightning.

What on earth did you say to her?

I don't know, really.

Just letting her know I'd seen her pushing in.

Any news on that cup and saucer, Dobby? No.

Not hide nor hair.

Where was everyone in the shop?

Well, Lonnie and me was on the till, but I was mainly in the back room with the

bad lads, sorting like billio.

They're such good lads, those two, you know.

Just got off to a bad start.

I had a neighbour like that once, Bess.

Been inside, but a diamond.

Yeah. I'd come home and I'd find her sitting in my front room, slurping tea

and watching Countdown.

She could get in anywhere.

She showed me once, too, when I locked myself out. Oh, yeah?

Easier than you'd think. It was like slicing cake.

Right. You got any idea what's happened to them, Dobby?

Well, biggest mistake, dear.

was putting the box unpacked near the door.

Bess always said, thieves grab what's at hand, put stuff well away.

So, I checked that painting out and nobody's heard of the artist Draeneur

anywhere. It's totally worthless.

So, what happened to this cup and saucer?

We know it made it to the charity shop.

You, you dropped it off and you placed it down by the door.

An inside job?

So we have Dobby and Lonnie.

Unlikely. Well, Dobby, who claims that she was in the back the whole time,

which seems plausible.

True. So the bad lads? I mean, they have records, and I don't mean K-Tel's

greatest hits.

What about Miss Prue?

She's a kleptomaniac! And don't forget that, Terry.

Yes, he's a ruthless and determined little beggar by all accounts.

What if Miss Prue took it...

And Terry found out.

He could have gone up to hers to get it back.

And then there's Ray Srunard, the antiques dealer.

Yes.

Now, Val hinted that he and Prue knew each other in some way. What if his

interest in the teacup and in Prue somehow smashed together?

Poor dog.

If only you could tell us what happened to Miss Prue. At the moment, it's only

us think it could be murder.

So, with all that in mind...

Where's my next loose end coming from?

Wait. That name.

Look at it in the mirror, backwards.

The artist's signature.

Yes, that there.

Draeneur becomes... Rhunard?

Mm. Yeah, so lamentable about the teacup and saucer. I even made a space for it

in the cabinet over there, you see. I don't suppose... We will ever see it

again. By the way, that is me with the Honourable Tea Cup

Society of Japan.

Do you think anyone who was around knows of its whereabouts?

Like whom?

I wonder if I might call on you to appraise an item for me.

Well, of course indeed you may.

Would you know if this is worth anything?

No.

No, that's not my field, I'm afraid, no.

It's strange, because I'm a hairdresser.

I could read War and Peace quicker in the mirror than I could right way

around. And if you look at the artist's signature there, if you read that in a

mirror...

It says... Runard.

Yes.

So what are you going to do?

I mean, if it's out, it's out.

Truth be told, I'm glad.

You see, it was a joke. It's always been my weakness, I'm afraid. I've always

been the practical joker.

The pricker of pomposity.

Just couldn't help it.

So...

How did the painting end up in the hotel?

Ah, the owner of the hotel. A veritable pontificating prig. He reckoned himself

to be a connoisseur of modern art.

So I, I hatched a ruse, you see. I created paintings with a,

with a toothbrush and a kid's paint palette.

I invented an artist.

And yes, yes, I did give him a clue, to be fair. I did give him that signature.

And then I charged him a shedload of wonga. Oh, I see.

Well, I mean, I was going to return it, you know, once his humiliation was

complete.

What happened?

It backfired. That ferreting Miss Prue discovered that they were fake.

And she told him? And what did he do?

Well, he did not see the funny side.

No, in fact, he went completely mad.

I had to return the money twice over in order to keep him from the police.

Because even though I'd made good, in my game, you know, any whiff of fakery

could have ruined me.

Hmm.

And Miss Prue?

Ah, well, she blackmailed me, stalked me, fell for me.

I'm not quite sure which of those was worse.

Yes, I hated her. Yes, I did. And I must admit, I looked to my beloved

blunderbuss more than once.

Joke! Yes, see, there I go again.

So, yes, a sad end ultimately, but being vanquished by her own

swag must have a sort of poetic justice, doesn't it?

And it's blinking handy.

I saw this cup and saucer.

Turns out it's work about 35 grand.

So you think that there's a very good reason why a kleptomaniac such as Miss

Prue might have come to ill for taking it?

Well, I find it all a bit far-fetched, girls, I'm sorry to say.

Prue stole it and then somebody murdered her for it.

When our investigations point to nothing of that nature, it was clearly an

accident.

Hey, Lil, what keeps you so young-looking?

Who? What are you doing?

The first exercise in the ancient and secret Five Tibetans.

Oh?

What are you on about?

Bit mystical.

Once upon a time, many, many years ago, I gave a mammoth strim to a hairy old

shaman type, claimed to be 80, honestly, looked 45 or less.

He was so pleased, he gave me a tip. Do this every day. And he passed me a tatty

dog-eared booklet.

Fountain of Youth.

So the ancient secret to the Fountain of Youth...

Spinning round and round.

And you do that every Saturday night.

Oh, good God, you're gonna live forever.

Hey, watch it, I might.

I touch my toes twice a week and I bomb around town most days and when I can

afford it, I sup an eggnog.

Yes, youth.

A core tenet of maintaining it is a strong social circle and a positive

mindset. Well, there you go, that's hairdressing.

Do some of it.

Save me.

Hey, you're gonna be inundated now.

Inundated. Yeah. It's all over town, how you took 25 years off Val with that cut.

Dobby too.

Yeah, it is all over town.

I wonder how that is.

Well, they say good news travels fast.

Yeah, it does.

Good and bad news with you, the Pony Express.

I don't know what you're insinuating. I really don't. Well, whatever it is,

we're grateful.

country, have you?

What? Country and western.

Here she goes, every second Friday, she's down the Rosenkraut, plastered,

singing Harper Valley PTA.

Will you shut it, Cheryl?

I meant 70s country and western.

Dolly, Willie, Kenny, Tammy. Oh, you're talking my very language there, eh?

Shall we get you up?

Eh, Lil?

This cup and saucer business.

What's it like if you're seeing her?

I've seen a picture.

Yeah, so, well, The saucer?

Delicate, goldy.

Yes, it's got all this gorgeous gold around the rim.

Like that there.

It is the very one. Oh my God.

How could we not see that?

God have mercy.

What next?

They need bringing together.

The cup and the saucer.

It'll be all over town in a millisecond, Wincy. She can't wait.

She's like a town crier on rollerblades.

No, I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

The cup and saucer?

She could have been killed, pardon.

All right, listen, I'll pop by tomorrow, all right?

We'll clarify a bit about it by any chance.

Oh, I'll have to go. I'll have to go.

He'll be round first thing.

So, Prue had them all along.

Someone would stop at nothing.

Hey, I'm getting worried for you, all on your own.

Oh, come now.

Why?

35,000 reasons.

Oh, I am. I'm scared for you all alone.

Well, who knows who Wincy's told by now or what the value's been exaggerated to.

I'm gonna call Adam back. Oh, no, he'll be around first thing in the morning and

I've stashed the saucer safe.

Well, then I'm staying with you.

No, you are not. Away with your bother.

Hey, I've seen David Carradine in all the kung-fus.

I'd really rather stay.

No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Away with you. I just think... You're gonna miss

the last bus.

Shoo! Or I'll give you a bowl cut.

I will.

No, not that.

Out you go.

Can I give you a lift?

Yeah, that way.

Oh, Lily, I was too worried about you. I had to get him to call in now.

All right, all right.

Hey, come on.

They vanished without a trace.

Are you sure you're okay?

I think we'd better get you checked out. No.

Just shook up, that's all.

It's a good thing Clary got me to check in. I was going to leave it till

morning.

Did you get a look at who it was?

Dog and Sir Swivel saved me.

So...

We have The fury of that Terry

the blackmail of race

That sneeze

Doris Briggs.

What?

I need to speak to you in relation to the death of Prudence Snook.

I don't understand.

Can you explain this?

It's a bingo dubber.

It has your initials on and it was found at the crime scene.

That Prue must have stolen it.

We've had it fingerprint tested and yours are on it and Prue's weren't.

We have your fingerprints on the police database from the time that you were

convicted of a burglary in Birmingham a number of years ago.

We'll be conducting a search of your house.

I'm so sorry.

So sorry.

So, here we go, eyes down, looking for this afternoon's big one.

We are hooked up all around the world and the prize is enormous.

Glad it's out.

Such a burden it's been.

What happened, Dobby?

25.

Duck and dive.

Number 25.

Me lucky dobber, Dobby, innit?

I realise I dropped it, went back for it, but couldn't get to look, you lot

there. Number 71, 7 and 1, 71.

Hope for the best that it would get rolled in with everything else, but not

to be.

But what happened? Why?

13, unlucky for some, 13.

I'm in massive debt due to bingo addiction.

67. Era online, I can't stop.

When I heard the whirth of the teacup and saucer, saw that Prue in the chippy,

put two and two together.

I didn't know it was her that stole it, but I took a chance and said to her in

the chippy queue, I saw you.

Then I knew for sure.

Got home through the back door, like Bess taught me.

But only the cup was there. I couldn't find the saucer.

If I could have found the saucer, I'd have been out of there. Who'd have known

it was full of dog food?

Then Prue came back unexpectedly.

Threatened me.

Went to call the police.

I pushed over one of the piles.

It fell down on her.

I panicked, saw the stepladder, put it down, made it look like an accident.

So I fled.

Number 11, legacy 11.

Number 4, knocking the door.

Number 4.

7 and 8, 78.

There's 8,000 pounds at stake.

We must be getting close to a winner now.

Number three on his own, can't compete.

Number three.

Three and five, 35.

Bingo! And then we have a winner!

There

he

is. Stunning.

I'm telling you, Juliet Bravo, Cagney and Lacey and every Charlie's Angels got

nothing on you, Lily.

You are a veritable crimper and crime buster.

Oh, steady on. I wouldn't have got anywhere without 00 Apprentice here. Eh?

Come on.

Anyway,

Val, go on, what were you saying?

So, that Terry got paid by race and even gave me some severance pay.

Oh!