Original subtitles

This program is rated 14+,

and contains scenes of violence, coarse language,

and mature subject matter.

Viewer discretion is advised.

- Hello? - Hi. Uh, Steve.

Mister-- Uh, it's Jordan.

- How are you doing? - Good. Yeah. What's up?

So, I'm shooting my sketch show,

and it's kind of like a "Twilight Zone" sketch show.

And, um, we're looking for a host,

for, like, a screen legend to be-- such as yourself

to be the host of the show, and I was--

Oh, thank you.

Listen, I'm really busy now,

but thank you for thinking of me.

Really, I appreciate it.

Yeah.

Yeah, totally. Uh, totally. Um...

What about "StopAsianHate," though?

Wh-- What?

You know, it's just-- it's a shame,

because this is the first Asian sketch show ever.

Uh-huh.

Is that right? I don't know.

- Wow. Yeah. - Look it up.

No, uh, congratulations. That's cool.

And so don't you think that that's important or...

Of course I do. What do you mean? Yeah, sure.

It'd almost be racist if you didn't do it.

- Wh... - Right?

- What? - Here we go. And...

Alright. Two. Take two. Mark.

Hush. Don't wake him.

He'll be having his night terrors soon.

Oh.

It's almost time.

You're about to enter a realm.

A realm of desire, dread,

fantasy, dreams and nightmares,

hopes and horrors.

Welcome to "The Terrors."

Okay, everybody, listen up!

I need you all up against the wall!

Right now! Go!

Go, go, go!

No funny business!

We are joining you live

from Brockton Savings Bank,

where an armed man is holding five customers hostage.

We are now getting word that the police are bringing in

veteran negotiator Lieutenant James McMurphy.

Okay. What do we know? Chris Fagan, 34, no priors.

Hey, Lieutenant McMurphy here.

You pigs try anything funny,

I'm gonna kill every single person in here.

I don't think that's what you want.

- You don't know what I want. - Maybe not.

But if you promise me to keep these people safe,

I promise you I'll do everything in my power to make it happen.

Just tell me what you want, Chris.

I want to be a famous snake.

I'm sorry, Chris. I-I don't think I caught that.

I said I want to be a famous snake.

And if you can't get on board with that,

then everyone in here is going to die!

Chris, hey, I hear you. I get you.

- You do? - Yeah.

Uh...

you want to be a famous snake.

Oh, okay. Famous sn...?

I don't know. Uh, so, when do we get started?

When you say you want to be a famous snake,

are we talking, like, a motorcycle gang?

What the fuck did you just say to me?

I just wanted to clarify.

You said you understood me!

Do I look like I want to be a big, fat motorcycle guy?!

Is that what I sound like to you?!

Chris, Chris, Chris! I hear you, okay?

I get you.

You want to be a famous snake.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Okay, so, um, in terms of specifics,

do you mean, like, you want to be a movie star

who plays a snake in a movie?

Are you playing games with me, man?

I thought you said you wanted to get these people out safe!

Why am I not a famous snake yet?!

Uh, Chris, we're working on it.

No, we're not. Working on what?

- Dude! - I got an idea.

Why don't you name some

famous snakes, okay?

Well, I know them all,

but I actually don't feel like naming any right now.

How about if I name some?

- Kaa from "The Jungle Book." - Kaa from "The Jungle Book."

- Sir Hiss, "Robin Hood," - Sir Hiss from "Robin Hood."

Oh, what about Medusa's hair?

Medusa's hair. There's a lot of snakes there.

Nagini from "Harry Potter"?

Get the fuck back!

I'm the one calling the shots here, not you!

I'm the one who gets to be a famous snake, not you!

Chris, Chris!

Hey, I need you to calm down, buddy, okay?

There's a basilisk from "Harry Potter"

and the serpent from Adam and Eve in the Bible.

Oh, Eakins from Pokémon.

Yeah. Eakins from Pokémon.

Ekans.

Ekans. That's what I said.

You really know a lot of those guys, huh?

Yeah, I guess I do.

Okay, listen up! I changed my mind!

I don't want to be a famous snake anymore!

I want to be something else!

Alright, what is it now, Chris?

I want to be a hostage negotiator,

just like you.

Whoops. My bad.

Mr. Langford, in my many years on this bench,

I've judged men of every stripe,

men of every station,

from the lowly dirt farmer

to the well-heeled captain of industry.

But I must say, your crimes represent the darkest strain

of moral corruption this bench has ever observed.

Your Honor, there's been a mistake.

I am innocent. I was framed.

Hold your tongue, son.

Lest you desecrate Lady Justice any further.

The 12 good men and women of the jury

have found you guilty beyond any reasonable doubt.

And after due consideration for the proper punishment,

given the wickedness of your crime,

I hereby sentence you to 15

hugs and kisses from the nearest judge.

Holy fucking shit! What the fuck?

What?

What... What does that mean?

Are your ears as touched and tainted

as your sense of justice, sonny?

No. Um... it's just,

did you say my punishment is

15 hugs and kisses from the nearest judge?

Bailiff, please consult our federal statutes and tell me,

where might the nearest judge be at this moment in time?

Your Honor, the nearest judge is

located in this very courtroom.

The nearest judge, Your Honor, is you.

God!

Ain't that a fine how-do-you-do?

Is this what you wanted?

- You asked for fif-- - Easy, boy. Easy.

Well, then, let's get on with it.

Why are you sad? This is fine.

Is this, like, bad?

I'm so sorry, son.

I have failed you.

What happens now is between you and God.

So, sorry, um, just to clarify,

I am innocent, but this is my punishment for manslaughter?

Stand still now, son.

Ooh, you disgust me.

Holy fucking shit!

Do you know if you need a key to the bathroom?

Uh... I don't know.

My wife's Korean.

Cool. That's, uh...

That's cool.

Is this cracker bothering you?

No. No, it's okay.

What the hell, man? Hey, don't touch me, cracker!

Guys, it's okay. It's fine, it's fine.

You're safe with me.

My wife...

she's Vietnamese.

Cool.

Awesome.

Chinese.

What?

My wife is Chinese.

Oh. Okay.

I don't know what it is, but I feel like every guy

in their 50s and 60s

needs to tell me their wife is Asian.

Like, I can hear them all the time.

They're always around.

Maybe they're just trying to relate to you?

Have you been sleeping okay? You look exhausted.

Hey.

You guys are in analytics, right?

Yeah.

I met my wife in Osaka.

Osaka is beautiful.

I love her so much.

But now...

now they want to take away our right

to say we have Asian wives.

She married me, so obviously I'm a good guy!

- Jordan? - Yes.

We have a cabin in Michigan.

Go, go, go, go, go!

Mendoza?

Huh.

It's a Spanish name, an Asian face.

You must be Filipino.

Like my wife.

Okay, show's over.

Wake up!