Original subtitles

Great fucking day for a boat ride.

"Meet me on the boat at the starboard side of the dock."

The fuck is starboard?

Hello?

Timmy?

Timmy?

Hello?

Timmy?

Hello?

Ahoy!

Oh. Hey, Timmy. What's good?

What's good? I don't know, Crystal.

You tell me. Maybe a little sex,

maybe a little drugs, and a lot of rock 'n' roll.

You still haven't told me what exactly we're doing today.

Oh, it's just gonna be a chill-party kind of thing.

Oh, party.

Well, party for two,

but it's gonna be epic!

You said it was gonna be chill.

We contain multitudes, Crystal.

No, thank you.

You don't know who I am, do you?

Who are you?

Are you...

Okay. All right.

Okay.

♪ All right ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah-ah, yeah

Yeah!

Come on-- Albert Natural.

Where have you been the last 30 years?

You've been shipwrecked on a desert island and left for dead?

I'm sorry.

That was, um, that was, that was uncalled for.

And that was a little defensive.

I just, um, we used to be big,

or at least we had a dedicated following,

and now nobody knows who we are.

And, um... yeah.

That was your band.

Yes, that was my band! Yes.

And I want us to come back, which is why you are here.

Okay?

My girlfriend, Ashley, is gonna be here any minute now,

and I think we should set sail on that lake

and make an epic lovemaking video.

You film it, you edit it,

you put it up on the World Wide Web, and then...

and then it goes viral, right?

And Albert Natural? Back in business, baby!

What?

Oh, no. Is that inappropriate?

Did I...

Dang it. I knew I should have told you before you got here,

but I wanted to tell you in person because, you know, I'm...

I'm nice, but I... I screwed it up.

I screwed it up. Okay, okay. Go home.

Go, go. I'm so sorry I offended you.

I'm so sorry. - No, stop it. It's fine.

I used to PA "Real Sex" on HBO.

There's nothing you can say that...

Buddy, you're okay. You're fine.

Really?-Yeah.

Well, if you aren't... amazing.

Thank you! Okay. All right! So we got a plan.

We got a good plan. - No, that's a bad plan.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Wait. Why bad?

Sex tapes don't go viral anymore.

Missed the boat, kid.

Well, maybe you don't know what I have to offer just yet.

What do you have to offer?

What?

What?

My rod.

I'm sorry. I didn't hear you.

My rod.

- What? - My rod!

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

All good things to those who wait.

You're not gonna have to wait that long,

because Ashley will be here any second now.

Really excited to meet her.

Any second now.

Would you mind if I put my robe on?

It's a little chillier out here

than I thought it was going to be, you know?

Ashley is running late.

I know. But you know how women are.

You know, she probably wants to look nice and smell nice.

And it's okay.

It's quite the little bag of tricks you got over there.

Oh, yeah. This ain't my first rodeo.

Ashley!

That's Ashley?

Can I help you?

Hey, do you know Alfred Natural?

- Albert. - Albert Natural.

What?

What are you doing? You want to be Ashley?

No, don't. Don't do that!

What the fuck? Don't let a good fish go.

He's a perfect Ashley. - Crystal! Shh-shh-shh!

Look what you fucking did.

No... no!

I'm sorry.

Um... I'm practicing scream therapy,

and I'm not exactly sure when to scream.

Is that a lie?

What do you think?

Yeah, I think it's a lie.

Uh, fuck it. I don't care.

Maybe not. No.

You're definitely a stunted man-child

who just screams every time he doesn't get what he wants.

- That's what you think? - Yeah.

Well, maybe... it's not that at all.

Yeah!

All right. Little montage music.

So, what do you think happened to Ashley?

I think she probably caught wind of a part of me

that many people find undesirable.

This place has literally everything.

Look. Spot for the drums.

Bonus!

And they have this whole safety corner over here.

Come see this. Look.

The floaty ring that you throw out.

You got the fire extinguisher.

You got the ax.

Why do you need an ax?

Oh! Come up here. Come see this.

I have this deep desire to see people and be seen by people.

And, yeah, sometimes I come across a little strong.

Here. Get closer. Whoa!

Little tubby.

Big, ol' tubby! Am I right?

It's like... it's meta. It's so cool.

Yeah, check these guys out here.

And you could call it desperation.

That's fair.

I used to be able to do it better,

but you get the idea.

But lately I've been trying to own it.

I want to be a famous rock star

in deep connection with the world.

You look cool.

I want to be on stage and have them worship me and,

and my music and...

and yes... my rod.

But more importantly, I...

I want to be in deep connection with another human being.

Come on!

Come on!

You little raccoon.

It's my only coat.

I don't think it's the coat.

It's you. No.

What sounds do raccoons make?

I don't know.

You're sweet. You're fun. You're cuddly.

A little scary.

I thought I had that connection with Ashley,

and we could share it with the world

in the form of a beautiful, pure, lovemaking video.

But... I guess I misread the situation.

And, you know, I mean,

that happens to me more often than I'd like to admit.

Yeah. You're vicious.

I'm a lot vicious.

Anyhow, easy come, easy go.

You want to head back?

I'll do it.

What?

Okay. You rolling?

Yeah, I'm rolling.

Are you, are you set?

Give me a second.

Sorry. I'm just... I'm nervous.

Yeah. I'm ready.

Okay.

♪ Mama says it's the little things ♪

♪ But I say... ♪

- You want to see? - ♪ ...it's the big stuff ♪

Yeah.

Not yet!

♪ And I don't want your tiny diamond ring ♪

♪ I just want your big, big, big, big love ♪

Are you ready for mega time?

♪ It's so big and hard to find ♪

♪ It's too much to take ♪

♪ But this whole time, it's been right there... ♪

Holy shit!

♪ Wa-huh, wa-huh ♪

Can I touch it?

♪ Wa-huh-ah-huh ♪

Be careful.

- ♪ Wa-huh-ah - Okay.

♪ Wa-huh-ah ♪

Gentle, gentle, gentle. No, no, no!

No! No! Timmy! Come here.

No! Come back here!

Timmy?

Hey, buddy.

Where'd you go?

Timmy?

It's fine. It happened... to every guy.

Hey.

Hey.

You want to hear some nautical wisdom?

It's not the size of the boat.

It's the motion of the ocean.

Hey, buddy. It's okay.

That's very funny.

Crystal, you're so nice. I'm so embarrassed.

Oh, God. Don't be embarrassed.

I'm ashamed.

No. I knew there wasn't an Ashley.

I knew from the first time you said her name.

What, you did?

Yeah.

You came, anyway?

Yeah.

I mean, I didn't think you were gonna pay me $1,000

to sit on a boat and videotape you.

- You're incredible. - Oh, it's fine.

This isn't even the first time someone has asked me

to re-create the Pam-and-Tommy sex tape.

Wait. There's a Pam-and-Tommy sex tape?

Mm-hmm. It's like most famous sex tape of all time.

Pam and Tom Skerritt?

No. Tommy. Tommy Lee.

Tommy Lee Jones made a sex tape?!

How did I not know this?

All right, listen.

I am down to make a banger of a sex tape with you.

- Lovemaking video, please. - Lovemaking video.

But if we're gonna do that,

I need you to be honest about what you want

and... about who you actually want to be.

This is really soft.

Yeah.

It's actually quite beautiful.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Rock 'n' roll!-Yeah.

All right, give me a sec.

Oh, I look good.

Yeah, you do.

Mm-hmm. This is big.

- It's beautiful. - Yeah. Okay.

Dinnertime!

Wait! I got an idea. Hold on.

Don't move. - Okay.

Don't move. You are gonna love this.

Oh, my God! It's a big, bad wolf!

I hope it doesn't eat me.

Actually, I hope he eats me.

Wait. No, no, no, no, no! Please, please.

No, it's okay.

Don't--don't take it off. Don't.

I'm not ready. I'm not.

- Hey! - Please.

I got you, I got you, I got you.

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

Yeah. It's okay.

There you go.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All of it.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Oh, my God.

I didn't mean to scare you. I'm sorry.

I was just excited to see you.

Oh, my God. What time is it?

I don't know.

I don't really care. Honestly, I'm just...

I'm happy to be here. I'm happy to be alive.

Happy to be with you.

Yeah.

All right.

It's cool.

Oh, it's not cool. It's awesome.

Seriously, I don't want to blow this off.

This was amazing what you did for me today.

You were so kind and generous and...

and you taught me.

I don't have to be worshiped on stage for my rod...

Such a good rod.

...or to make some stupid sex tape.

I just need one person.

That's everything, right? And I...

And now I've got it, so I'm just happy.

That's so cool.

Um, should we head back?

What?

No, it's just you, um, you hired me for the day.

It's night. We could... just head back.

Right! Right. That's why you're here.

Because I hired you. Of course.

- No. - No, no, no, no, no.

- It's not. - Crystal, it is...

It's um...

Crystal, it's fine. I completely understand.

And yes, of course we will go back. Yes.

Okay.

Wait. I'm sorry. Hold on just one second.

One second. I just...

I don't want to be a petulant, little boy.

I want to be the man that you taught me how to be today.

And I want to say what I want,

and what I want is to keep sailing with you.

I want to head out into the brackish,

where the lines between saltwater and freshwater

and men and women are just obliterated.

And, and I want to keep making this,

this free jazz, improvisational music.

I want to rock out with you, Crystal!

Yeah.

Don't fake-laugh with me. And don't fake-smile... please.

It's beneath us.

If that's not what you want, just tell me.

Just be honest.

I think it's cool if we just...

if we just, like...

If we just, you know, we could, um...

we could go to the deck, and we could have a drink.

And we could talk about whatever--

- Is that what you want? - Yeah.

Are you lying?

No.

Are you scared?

No, I'm not scared.

Because you look scared to me.

And I know what scared people look like, Crystal.

So, maybe we do it this way.

Maybe... maybe I count to 10.

And if you want to hang out on the dock

and have a drink and keep sailing, great.

I would love it so much.

But if you're scared, and part of you

thinks something terrible might happen here tonight...

...then I want you to have a 10-second head start, okay?

10...9...8...7... 6...

5...4...3...

Crystal!