Original subtitles

* "Little Caesar". He'll be Ptolemy XV and the last Greek pharaoh. (cf. Note line 311).

"A fine reward is offered

for the return of a slave woman

stolen

or absconded

from the house of Claudius Appius.

The following noblemen returning from Greece

have received pardon of Caesar and must not be harmed:

Publius Servilius Casca*,

* One of Caesar's murderers.

Marcus Tullius Cicero,

Gaius Cassius Longinus*

* He'll be though one of the leading conspirators in the plot for murdering Caesar.

And Marcus Junius Brutus*.

* One of Caesar's murderers.

The traitor Pompey has fled to Egypt.

Glorious Caesar follows."

Shoulder arms!

Forward!

Forward face!

Forward march!

Behold Ptolemy,

he of the two ladies,

he of sedge and bee*.

* The sedge and the bee are symbols of Upper and Lower Egypt.

Behold Ptolemy,

son of Ra,

Ptolemy the divine.

Greetings...

How long may we hope for the blessing of your presence?

Not long.

We are desolated.

If His Glorious Honor cares

to divulge His purpose here,

the servants of the Mighty Lion would be ecstatic

to help you in any way whatsoever.

That is most kind of you.

How goes your preparation for war?

War?

We have no war prepared.

I'm misinformed then.

I was told the sister of the Mighty Lion

disputes his right to the throne.

Do not speak of her.

I piss on her!

I shit on her!

It is true

our beloved princess

has listened to ill counsel

and raised some absurd claim.

But...

she has no support,

None but traitors and barbarians.

What was that name?

Deilogos of Pergamum.

He can raise ten legions.

Deilogos of Pergamum

Can raise ten legions for her.

A petty bandit.

I assure you, you have no problem,

no fears at all about Cleopatra.

Where is she?

Well, nobody knows.

Somewhere in the South, we believe.

He lies.

They have her.

This dispute between you both must end.

Rome desires Egypt to be at peace.

Your grain ships must keep sailing.

We are in absolute control of the country,

from the lighthouse to the cataracts.

Good, in that case you should have no trouble

in handing over Pompey Magnus.

I do not like his tone.

He can go.

Master,

do you remember what we spoke of before?

Of crocodile and fox?

Let us show him our surprise!

All right, go on. Show him.

We have a gift for you, Glorious Excellency,

that we think you will be very pleased with.

We were going to make him a body,

moving arms and legs,

and do a mime show with real animals and everything...

Silence!

Shame on the house of Ptolemies

for such barbarity. Shame.

But...

you are enemies.

He was a consul of Rome!

A consul of Rome.

To die in this sordid way...

Quartered like some low thief...

Shame!

Where is the rest of him?

Eh, um, he has been cremated...

with all proper funeral rites, of course.

With all decorum.

I shall return tomorrow,

at which time

you will give me the man that took Pompey's life.

Captain says the wind is fair.

- Good. - We can leave

whenever you like.

You will take half the men, return to Rome immediately.

You shall have the honor of announcing Pompey's death.

I shall follow you...

when I've settled things here.

Settled things?

Settled what things?

Civil war is in the air.

It must be prevented.

Why?

Let the wretches fight it out.

War will disrupt the grain supply.

Without Egyptian grain, Rome goes hungry.

It would be...

unwise not to intervene.

And how will you intervene with only half a legion?

I do not intend to fight.

I shall merely arbitrate the various factions.

You make it sound so easy.

Those various factions are united only by their hatred of Rome.

He's right.

Ptolemy might use you to rouse the people against a common enemy.

I have conquered Gaul.

I have defeated Pompey Magnus.

I think I can handle a small boy and a eunuch.

A small boy with 100,000 men.

I am aware of that!

He's still a boy nonetheless.

You seem to forget that

that our war is not over yet.

Cato and Scipio are still at large.

Given time, they will raise another army.

And when they do I shall crush them.

I'm glad you're so confident.

Some would call it hubris*.

* hubris or hybris. Greek word often translated by "immoderation", used to refer to the pride feeling that lead a man to think he's like a god. That unforgivable sin is often one of the motivating forces in Greek tragedies.

It's only hubris if I fail.

Remember she is a princess of ancient blood.

When you find her you will treat her with the utmost respect.

You must obey her in all things,

within reason.

Understood, sir.

I'm counting on you, Vorenus.

You have something to say?

Regarding Pompey Magnus, sir, I wish to apologize.

It was my actions

that brought him here to this end.

- If I had done my duty... - Indeed.

Dismissed.

Pompey's murderer.

Alas, he has run away.

Find him.

In the meantime...

these instruments

tabulate the money that was borrowed

by His Majesty's illustrious father, Ptolemy XII.

In the name of the republic,

I have come to collect.

17 thousand thousand drachma.

17?

Absurd!

Four, perhaps.

The tabulation includes all monies

borrowed from Pompée and other agents of the republic

now unable to collect.

That is not just!

Post-mortem interests of this type are legally

entailed to the presiding consul,

i.e. * Gaius Julius Caesar.

* i.e. = id est = that is to say

- It's law. - Roman law.

Is there some other form of law*,

* Egypt is not yet a Roman province (30 b.C.) But in 63 b.C. Ptolemy XII makes allegiance to Pompey, and in 59 b.C. Is called by Caesar consul amicus et socius populi Romani, ("friend and ally of the people of Rome"), that is to say vassal.

You wretched woman?

A thousand apologies.

Forgive us.

There!

There's for your payment.

So sorry...

His Majesty forgets He is a vassal to Rome.

Vassal?

Vassal? I am no vassal!

I am king! I am...

Sit down!

Thank you.

When can I expect payment?

Your Honor, we have little enough ready coin for our own needs.

Our tax farmers have not been working

as they should because...

Because?

Cleopatra's foolishness has stirred unrest in some parts.

Nothing serious.

Well, I do not wish to appear unreasonable.

I will accept 10 thousand thousand drachma.

Even that amount will take many days to collect.

In that case,

I shall have ample time to adjudicate

Your dispute with princess Cleopatra.

Excellent notion.

But alas, who knows where princess Cleopatra is?

Do not worry about that.

I shall find her.

Blood and fire!

It's as hot as Vulcan*'s dick!

* Vulcan is the god of the fire and of the blacksmiths. His forge is believed to be underneath the Aetna.

What a dump!

Gyppo gods must be right wasters to make a place like this.

Don't speak ill of the gods in their own country.

Gerrae*.

* = Bullshit.

I've seen their gods.

Titus Pullo isn't scared of any bastard

with a dog's head on him.

More fool you.

These gods are old and powerful.

Egypt was a great nation long before Rome.

Was it?

Mumped it up now, then, haven't they?

Why are we here, anyhow?

Waiting.

Yeah, I know we're waiting, but for who?

I'll know when I see them.

Be like that.

"Vassal," he says!

Barbarian scum!

It's simple extortion.

If we do not pay him, he will put Cleopatra on the throne.

Lf...

If he could find her.

He is a resourceful man.

He will find her.

She should have died when we first caught her.

Now it must be done.

She must die.

I agree.

My men could be with her by nightfall.

Tell him "wait."

Cleopatra.

Queen majesty?

Hutto asks to speak with you.

Slap me.

- Night or day? - Night.

He may enter.

Majesty...

Fresh word has come from Alexandria.

Speak, worm!

I am most deeply sorry to say

Majesty must prepare Herself for Her journey to the afterlife.

When?

Now.

Say your words.

Hello, ladies.

Attack Caesar?

Are you serious?

Why not?

He only has a few hundred men with him.

How many men could you rally?

You would be the liberator of Egypt.

Your name would live forever.

My mortal flesh should be less fortunate.

Rome does not forget an injury.

Forget Rome!

Rome is doomed.

Her people tear at their flesh like mad dogs.

In ten years the city will be

a forgotten ruin.

Maybe so, but what of next year?

Perhaps you're right.

Ergo*, caution is best, yes.

* = therefore

Perhaps... you don't have enough influence

among the people.

Caesar has so few men.

I could raise the whole city with a word.

Think on it.

Do you think I could

borrow Septimius for a little while?

I'd be most grateful.

Of course.

Messenger from Ptolemy XIII

begs entry, sir.

"Ptolemy the Water Bringer, he of the two ladies,

he of sedge and bee, king of kings, son of Ra,

informs His Most Grand Honor, et cetera,

that him who bears this message is him that killed Pompey."

He's handsome enough.

Good, strong chin.

Looks like a mean old man to me.

More.

Divinity's mortal flesh turns green.

Give it here.

She will look like a reptile when she arrives at Alexandria.

Weak, I call it.

Weak, am I?

She knows how to beat her slaves well enough,

but she cannot

throw away that pipe,

- and she knows it. - Insolent dwarf.

You know nothing.

Throw it out.

Throw... it out.

Weak, am I?

That Gyppo princess,

now that's good cunny.

Her father's people rode with Alexander*.

* Vorenus talks about Ptolemy Ist Sôter (367-283 av. J.C.). Lagos' son, the historian Pausanias wrote he'd be an illegitimate son of Philip II of Macedon (therefore Alexander's the Great half-brother). He grew with Alexander and was one of his lieutenants. When Alexander (323 b.C.), he made several conquest around Egypt that he had received, and started the Lagid dynasty from which are descended the brother-husband and the sister-wife Ptolemy XIII and Cleopatra VII.

She is, though,

and she wants me badly.

Should've seen her when I done that Nubian.

Wet as October!

Pullo, look at me.

She is a princess of royal blood.

You touch her, you die.

I'm not stupid.

I'm just saying she wants me.

Lovely.

Lovely!

Nothing like cold,

stinking sweat to seduce a man.

Caesar will think himself

on Olympus with Aphrodite*.

* Greek counterpart of Venus, goddess of the beauty and love.

Hush, piglet!

What do you know of seduction?

As long as Caesar is a man,

I will have him.

She seems very sure of herself.

I have him...

or I die.

So I will have him.

May it be so, Isis.

I only wish he were here today.

My womb is between the flood.

A child would come as sure as spring.

Come.

You, come.

So red!

Your Highness, how can I be of service?

Leather.

Olives. Not so bad.

- He will do. - Majesty commands

you will enter her.

I do not understand.

You have coitus with her.

You have it wrong. "Coitus" means to make babies.

Exact! So,

make babies.

Don't be scared.

I'm not scared,

I just cannot do what you ask!

It is not... It is not in our custom.

Roman men are not used by women in this way.

Come,

you will enjoy it.

My queen is an excellent lover.

What is he waiting for?

He must do as he is told!

- Let me give you a hand. - Get off!

I must ask forgiveness of Your Majesty, but I cannot comply!

I am no slave to be commanded so!

- With all respect. - He refuses?

This...

insect refuses me?!

You dare refuse the daughter of a sun god?

Pullo! Report immediately to princess Cleopatra

and do as she says!

- Eh? - You heard!

- What's going on? - Just go.

Legionary Titus Pullo reporting for duty, ma'am.

- Gods, that was something, I can tell you. - I don't want to know.

If you value your life, you won't speak of it again.

Why?

I was only obeying orders.

Bloody good orders, too.

What do you think Caesar will do if he hears of it?

I'm not stupid.

I promised the princess. I shall not speak of it.

You can't keep a secret to save your life.

You've got a mouth like a drain.

Princess Cleopatra, sir.

Daughter of the two rams,

mistress of sedge and bee!

Well done, Majesty.

Thank you.

Is something wrong, little husband?

How funny you look in father's chair.

I never wanted to harm you.

Of course you did not.

It was your gelding

led you astray, no doubt.

- Mistress... - It must not speak.

It must die!

It was him...

Not me.

He led him astray,

not me.

It was him!

Get in formation!

And you, Pullo.

Calpurnia...

She's your third wife?

She is.

Has she given you a son?

She has not.

How sad.

A man without sons is a man without a future.

I never thought of it that way.

Sad.

Never mind.

Have you secured the upriver ports?

You must do so immediately.

Whoever controls the ports controls Egypt.

Good advice, no doubt,

- if I wanted to control Egypt. - Of course you do.

Why else are you here?

And why save me

so heroically from death...

if not to use me

as your...

puppet queen?

Do you dislike the notion?

My wishes

are immaterial.

You redeemed me from captivity.

I am your slave.

Testudo*!

* = the turtle. A Roman military tactic: Soldiers close up all gaps between each other and grab their shields at the sides and above their heads so that the formation seems to have a shell.

Are you well?

Well enough

though I do not sleep.

I write very bad poetry through the night

and in the morning I give it to the cook

to stoke the kitchen fire.

It's a form of magic.

My ill conscience is transformed into

roast birds and pastries.

You should have no ill conscience.

We only did what we had to do.

No doubt Saturn* said something of the sort after eating his children.

* Saturn is the father of Jupiter, Juno, Neptun, Pluto, Hestia et Ceres. As he feared to be dethroned by one his children, he ate them, except Jupiter, saved by his mother, who grew up and made Saturn regurgitate his brothers and sisters.

The question is...

If Caesar does not return from Egypt?

Caesar has escaped tighter traps than this.

He has been besieged in Alexandria the better part of a year.

Perhaps his luck has run out.

Well, what fools we shall look

if we have kissed the feet of a dead man.

With Caesar dead,

that bastard Marc Antony

will be unleashed to do as he wants.

Very likely,

but it isn't a concern of mine.

I am done with politics.

Self-pity is all very well.

I'm not unashamed myself.

But we are still senators.

We have responsibilities.

I remind you we swore an oath of loyalty.

To Caesar,

not to Antony.

Cato and Scipio have raised an army in Numidia.

If we were to communicate with them,

we might... we might...

If it isn't Cicero?

How strange!

I was just now thinking of you.

I've received some happy news,

and my first thought was to come and tell you two.

And here you are.

What a coincidence!

It's amusing how often that happens, eh?

So I was walking across the forum

and thinking of this particular woman,

who should arrive right in front of me

But the thing herself.

Savage little Spanish creature.

Hair down to her ass.

Everyone misjudges me, you know.

I'm a merciful man.

I know that's not my reputation, but

I am.

Now, everyone's entitled to a few mistakes.

Gods know, I made one or two myself.

I've done things...

things I'm

ashamed to think of.

We are, all of us, imperfect in our way.

Exactly.

We are, all of us,

imperfect.

Give me your hands, brother Cicero.

With all my heart...

I forgive you.

I don't know what you mean.

Nothing escapes me.

If a pigeon dies on the Aventine*,

* One of the seven hills surrounding Rome.

I hear of it.

So be assured, brother,

if I ever, again,

hear your name

connected

with murmurs of treachery...

I will cut off

these soft, pink hands,

and nail them to the Senate door.

Antony?

You said you had happy news to tell us.

Yes. Of course.

A courier came from Alexandria.

Caesar has lifted the siege

And massacred the armies of Ptolemy.

He is safe and sound,

and master of all Egypt.

The man is a damn prodigy, eh?

Atten-hut*!

Hail Caesar!