Original subtitles

A recent survey revealed that 30% of Australians are casual racists, which

means that the other 70% are full time.

Like totally dude.

Like totally dude.

Awesome be better.

Awesome be better.

Ah, what's up?

Come on, everyone.

Give the dean a big, nice Yankee greeting.

What's up?

Is this how to talk Australian class?

No, this is how to speak Americans.

Oh, sorry.

Y'all get back into it. For real.

You all repeat after me. I love listening to ABBA in my Volvo.

I love listening to ABBA in my Volvo.

Very good.

Good morning, Dean.

Good morning.

This is how to talk Australian's class, isn't it?

No, this is how to talk Sweden's.

Okay. Thank you.

One more time. I love listening to ABBA.

How's it going?

How's it going?

You bloody drunkos. You bloody drunkos. Useless bastards.

You useless bastards.

You dipstick wankers. You dipstick wankers.

Miss Kamala, would it be okay if I unplug something?

Well, you can unplug there.

What is it you're cooking, Miss Kamala?

Samosas? Chico rolls.

Morning, class.

How are you?

You're a useless bunch of bludgers.

Pretty good.

That was pretty good, class.

Had I had my eyes closed... I would have sworn that I was in Australia, but I

didn't. They were open.

Dean Devden has some exciting news.

I do class.

We are going to Australia.

It will be a study tour.

Ten days across all ten states.

Enough of me rabbiting on. Professor Dilip, please.

Yes, Dean.

On this study tour, you'll get to see some of the Australia's most beautiful

sights, like Sydney Harbour Bridge,

Gold Coast, kangaroo, emu, meter maids.

You'll walk up on Uluru's, meet outback Bushman or Sheila, and you'll

even touch a big pineapple.

This wealth of experience on your CV will place you ahead.

of all other rat-bats all over India.

So, grasp this with both your hands and feet, like koala grasping a tree,

or grasping another koala, of same sex or opposite sex.

It's perfectly okay.

In Australia, anything goes.

Sorry.

And... All of this can be yours for the small sum of only 175

,000 rupees.

Thank you, class.

Thanks, professor.

Australia, here we come.

175,000 rupees?

Tell them, they're dreaming.

Your uncle bought this for me when we went to Australia.

Shani, I want you to have them.

Oh, aunty.

They're so beautiful.

He carried them up his ass for five long years.

What? I'm joking.

It's from Pulp Fiction.

Oh, aunty.

Thank you so much.

I can't believe I'm going to Australia.

These are going straight into the pool.

Chester, I am putting you in charge of maps.

Here you go.

Can I trust you?

Absolutely.

I will buy the best map.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Can I offer you a beer? A beer?

Yes.

Isn't it a bit early for a beer? Okay, okay. That is why we are only offering

schooners. Thank you.

Everyone

in

Australia drinks beer.

And they have many ways to consume it.

You can get it in a small glass, which is called a pony, and a regular glass,

which is called a seven ounce.

While in Sydney, you're more than likely to get a schooner, which is halfway

between a pint and a midi.

They have also recently introduced a smiddi, which is bigger than a midi, but

not quite as big as a schooner.

If you're thirsty, you can ask for a pint.

Then, of course, you can get a jug, which is three pots, two midis, and a

pony.

Welcome aboard, ladies and gentlemen. We should have you touching down in Sydney

Airport in about 11 hours.

Have a gander at the safety video.

And a reminder, smoking is not permitted on this flight.

Unless you're the captain.

Just kidding, ladies and gentlemen.

Ask about.

Ask Lekha.

Ask Lekha.

Isn't it exciting? We're finally going.

Excuse me, miss.

Can I have one of those drinks, please?

These are for the pilot, love.

We're gonna be landing in Dubbo, it's dead.

Bit of a piss off, but hey, that's where we landed, guys.

Excuse me.

You're like a famous cricketer, aren't you?

Yeah.

Can you sign my boarding pass?

Of course.

Australia's favourite cheese was called Coon.

Australians have struggled to find a suitable name to replace it.

Here are some of the names considered.

Wong. Lego.

Dago.

Now finally, they have found one.

And everyone is very happy with it.

Honky.

Hello? Miss Kumar.

Can I have a word with the board?

Call from Australia, sir. They've landed.

Can it... me a collect call please you already put money oh I'll put you

through to the boardroom

all

yours it's the professor hello professor glad to hear you landed in Sydney

Not quite Sydney as such.

We have landed in Dubbo.

Dubbo South.

Dubbo South.

Does not sound like a great start.

No. Oh. On the contrary, sir.

It's a very nice looking airport.

And how do you plan to get to Sydney, Professor?

Oh, don't worry about that.

Australia is a very lucky country.

There are many ways to skin a cat.

Or should I say...

What is the type of Australian cat?

What?

You know, to skin, uh... Oh, like a platypus?

Is that a cat?

Hello? Well, it's more cat-like than any kid, no?

do a great start, are they?

Lucky the dean's in charge.

Hey, hey, sir.

How are you, mate?

Hello, officers.

Get you in the bag, mate.

What are we going to eat?

Look at that.

Bloody hell. You're taking the piss?

You can't bring that to the country.

I told you it's big enough.

Hey, it's not big enough.

Get Bob onto that, eh? All right, Bob.

Bigger. Just add a bit of length to that, mate. Much bigger. Cheers. Much

bigger.

Hello. You have reached the Zilli president.

What are you calling?

My wife.

Sirabi and myself are not in at the moment. Please leave a message and we

will call you back.

as possible. Well, I'm going to go get the drumstick. Thank you.

Hello, darling.

Or should I say, good day, Dickette?

Anything else to declare?

Just plants, wood carvings, flammable liquids,

a few crowbars, law hammer, fireworks, ice pick, cattle prods,

aerosols.

Bit of dynamite.

It's through it, champ.

Do you know why we brought you in here, sir?

Uh, uh, no.

You know what this is?

Uh, not really.

Mate, it's a Kevin Koala.

Now, you might be thinking, what are the two fully grown men doing with a cabin

koala?

We actually confiscated it off a Swedish backpacker a couple weeks ago. You know

why we did that?

You know what was in there?

No idea.

Coat, bloody cane.

Yeah. About 200 grams worth.

I'm not... I'm not carrying those.

You sure?

Absolutely.

Now you can see why we need to be so thorough, yeah?

Well, off to the clobber then. Yeah.

We gotta check it all, mate. All of it.

You mean everything?

Yeah.

Okay.

Who thinks that we should wait for Dean Devlin?

Alright. Who thinks we should go without him?

Okay, it's unanimous.

Start with the shoes, punk.

Yeah.

Let's have a look at these.

Oh.

Anyway.

Now I will have leaky shoes.

Something to remember us by.

All right.

Well, better check the rest.

Mm.

We're looking for some rental.

We need to go to Sydney.

Ah, got no cars left, mate.

The bloody lorry, huh?

Hang on.

I might have something for you.

You can have this.

I'll have to get rid of the cigarette poster, though.

You can't have your driving around with that on.

It doesn't bother us.

Nah, cigarette advertising's banned in this country.

We're one of the first to do it.

Very progressive we are.

You're going to Sydney, aren't you?

Yeah, you'll be right with that.

I'll start it up for you.

Come out the wrong door, mate.

Oh, sorry.

I was trying to find the car rental office.

Oh, no. They would have knocked off at 3 o'clock. They'll be there in the pub.

Well, I've got to get to Sydney.

What, today?

Yes.

Shit.

Uh... Okay.

Yeah, all right. I'm not going to help you.

Got any bags?

Customs took it all.

Nothing. Sorry, it's a terrible story.

Just wait there. I'll be back.

Dubbo is famous for its zoo and looks like that's about it.

As we will not be seeing Sydney Harbour or the Opera House today, take

task sheet number two.

and tick off all the native animals of Australia as we go along.

There's only sheep out there.

Here she is.

The old Kingswood.

Kings?

Wood? Is it made of wood?

Well, no. It's got a bit of jack to answer, but no wood.

Still, dries all right.

I mean, a rattle's like a skeleton trying to masturbate inside a filing

cabinet, if you know what I mean.

That's quite rattly.

Yeah, very rattly. But as I said, she runs all right.

Well, I don't need a caravan.

Sorry about that. They come as one.

Can't you just unhitch it?

Yeah, no.

No, actually, I can't. See, I keep jumping all over the place, so I've

welded it on.

Still, that can come in handy if you meet a sheila, eh?

Could meet a Sheila, you never know.

Sheila?

Yeah, you know, like a bird.

Ah, you mean like an emu.

No, I don't mean an emu. Why would you want to put an emu in there? No, I

don't. It was your idea.

Was it?

I'll take it.

Let's get you in the pilot seat, Tiger. Here we go.

Professor, have a look. I made us a map of Australia.

I googled important things in Australia and then I collaged them all into this

one image.

Pretty useful, right?

That's ridiculous.

You got Melbourne in the middle of Australia.

I've got all the hotspots right here, Professor.

We have Melbourne, Hackham, Berrigan, etc.

I can't see the Gundu Windy. Where is that Gundu Windy?

Well, I guess I didn't consider it a hotspot, which, you know, I stand by

that. I think we need to get another map, Chester.

There's a spider in there. What?

Look. It's just a huntsman.

Can be Aussie poisonous spider.

No, it's a huntsman. They're not even poisonous.

They don't bite.

They crawl in your mouth when you're asleep at best. Tell me about it.

Can you do something?

I can't drive with that thing besides me. He's not comfortable if you point

that at him. Look at him. He's all embarrassed.

Look, there's some spray. Do you want to spray it?

done nothing but annoy him now.

Looks okay to me.

If you're going to do something to it properly, I'd say.

One last thing.

Don't try using the air conditioner. No point. It's rooted.

Aircon rooted.

Got it.

What's rooted?

Rooted means it doesn't work.

You are good to go.

Probably give it a second before you get in.

Or just get striding.

Cut it out, you naughty skeleton.

Okay class, after all these years, here's your chance

to practice a bit of Australian lingo.

Let's go get some group.

It's grub, professor.

Oh.

It's grub. It means food.

Can I?

Hello, Knackers.

Can I please have a dead dog with a horse eye?

Sorry. Can I please have a dog horse with a dead eye?

Sorry, he wants dog's eye with dead horse.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Some food?

What are those?

There are those. There's Chico rolls.

Oh, what's in there?

I don't know. Nobody knows.

Sirabi and myself are not in at the moment.

Please leave a message and we will call you back as soon as possible.

Shit. thank you not again hello darling

sorry i called you a dickhead in australia it's

actually a term of endearment what are mint chips are they like really tiny

chips like this big no they're not miniature chips they're minimum chips so

like smallest serve you can get but surely the minimum amount you can get is

one chip that would make sense yeah

Australians love chicken salt.

They put it on everything.

Chips, potato cakes, dimmies, chico rolls.

And of course, you can use it to kill slugs.

But if you want to kill a chicken, you need this.

Slug salt.

Don't worry. The chicken is already dead.

Hey, kids.

If you get this message first, can you please delete the first message?

Your mother is not a dickhead.

Can you type this one? He's looking at me weird.

You look after this guy.

Hello, I was wondering if this is the only map you have to steak and kidney?

To where?

Steak and kidney.

Do you mean the pie?

No, the city.

I'll give you a tip, mate. We don't really use that much rhyming slang.

Okay, well, I'll take it anyway.

Bring it up.

Hey, could I ask you for a tip?

Shoot.

Um, I was wondering if you had any advice on how to...

Talk to, like, the Australian ladies.

You know? Any, like, pick-up lines or anything like that?

I don't really know any pick-up lines.

But if you want to get with an Aussie bird... Bird?

Sheila.

Your best bet's to make them laugh.

Okay, and how do I do that?

Jesus.

Tell them a joke, I guess.

So this makes women want you?

It's never really worked for us.

God. He.

G'day. How can I help you?

People took my clothes.

This is all I have to wear.

Struth, the bastards.

Chinese, were they? Huh?

Let's sort you out with some new clobber. We'll start with some doubt

tape. Sorry?

Some Dax.

New strides?

Pardon? Some pants, mate.

Yeah, pants.

Pants. Some dud pants.

Dud pants. Yes, yes.

It looks close.

They've made the call.

Mug's going by nose.

Fuck off, we're full. Trading late for a tight second with K-Munch at surprise

third. That's four, nine... I had some money on curry.

Let's sort you out with some dud pants.

Where are you off to?

To Sydney.

I've come from Dubbo.

Sydney?

Yeah.

You've gone the wrong way, mate.

What? Yeah, look.

Yeah, here.

Sydney's here, Dubbo's here, and we're here. If you keep going your way, you'll

end up pretty much there.

I've gone to the wrong nipple.

Yeah, yeah.

That's what you've done.

Can I buy this?

Mannequin? No, T-shirt.

Of course you can. Of course you can.

Look, if you want to get back to Sydney, you take the back roads through Dubbo.

That way the pigs won't give you any trouble.

No trouble from the pigs? Yeah.

You got it. Yeah, let's get you into this and I've got the perfect pair of

shorts that's going to look fantastic with it.

how you going does it fit all right yes i'm coming along it is fitting all right

see i told you you'd look great

come on i've got i've got a few more ideas for you

well you look great thank you thanks for

helping me it's my pleasure bye come on get out of here

How come you never see birds flying backwards?

Officer Smith and Brown come in.

This is Smith and Brown.

That's a speaker, you idiot. Here's the microphone.

This is Smith and Brown. What can I do you for, Wendy?

Yeah, just be on the lookout for a large bus with an offensive poster on the side

of it.

When you say offensive, what are we talking?

Nude as in a nude Sheila?

Nah, nah worse.

It's a bloke.

Jesus. Are we talking tackle?

I believe so, yes. The whole meat and potatoes.

All the wedding veg is on display.

The full rabbit's nest?

What sort of turkey we actually doesn't matter Wendy we're on to it over Roger

that Wendy what Roger that Wendy I'll Roger Wendy.

We're on to Wendy

That's

your beside

Collie's not talking to me.

Really? Yeah.

Hmm.

There it is.

That's our problem. Right there.

Hello?

Anyone home?

Hold that.

Yes, sir?

Got some identification for me?

Okay.

Great.

Dilip. Yes, that's me.

Where are you from, Dilip?

From Delhi.

It says here you're from India.

Yes, Delhi is in India, sir. Okay.

Long way from home?

Yeah. We have come here to learn your language, to learn your culture.

Well, we're not off to a good start, are we? Are we not?

You're driving around with an offensive picture on the side of your bus.

Offensive picture?

What's so offensive?

So, this is not acceptable?

Not acceptable? I mean, have a look at it. You've got a picture of an

attractive man holding his genitals.

I see a celebration of the human form.

If you look in between his thumb and forefinger, you can see his penis.

There could be anything under there.

What else could it be?

A veiny banana.

A veiny banana.

Guys, there's a very simple solve for this. All we need to do is...

cover up the naked man on the side of your bus and we can get about our way

and then you can get about learning more about our culture. But we cannot, we

cannot have this.

Yes.

How would you say penis in India?

Penis. Penis. That's the same really, isn't it? Same.

Yeah, that's all my questions.

Give this thing a wash as well, you know.

Dirty bus isn't against the law. She'll be. She'll be against the law. She'll be

against the law. You got a toilet on the bus?

Yes, mate. Okay.

Cheers, mate.

Right, so what's going to happen? I can't let you drive away like this, you

know. I'll shoot out the tyres before I let this bus leave like this. So I need

this painted and I need this covered. I don't care what you put on it, but I

want it covered, OK?

Sir, we'll go to the next town. It's just an hour away.

There could be a paint shop there.

No, no, this bus isn't leaving this spot until this is covered up.

So why don't we paint it here and then I can let you go?

Chester, do we have some paint here?

Nor bent.

I'll tell you what we could do. We could probably give you a lift to the paint

shop. And you paint whatever you like on the side. I just don't want to see that

penis anymore.

Okay? Okay.

Boy, Chester.

You are going home in the back of a divvy van.

Actually, I'm not going home. I'm going to the paint shop. So the joke is on

you, Rahul.

Plot twist.

Let's get this dick covered up, eh?

Cool.

Chester, was it?

That's right.

All right, Chess. G'day, Billy. Not long now, mate. Jump in there.

Hello.

Okay, you're gonna be nice to him, he's not in trouble.

You're in trouble, he's not, okay?

Good boy.

Are you going to the pen shop, dude?

I'll give you 50 bucks for your hat.

I don't think I'm wearing a hat.

What about 100?

Hello, Professor.

How's Sydney?

Well, we are not quite there yet.

We had some trouble with a nude Australian man on our bus.

But it's okay.

We are getting something.

Professor, can I have a word with the Dean?

The Dean?

I'm afraid that's not possible.

By the way, did you get my parcel?

Why are we painting this? What is a knacker?

Good day, knackers. Knackers is a friendly term in Australia.

I think I'll take this over.

This should not be a three-person job.

Come on. Yes.

Yes. Go for it.

Yeah.

What do you reckon beetroot's made of?

Beetroot.

It's got purple in it, for sure.

Undoubtedly.

Carrot.

Flour. And some sort of grain.

Bit of starch, perhaps.

Maybe some starch.

Eh, that all checks out.

Where is that new map?

Hang on. Let me pull over.

I've got it right here professor.

It's been working pretty well actually.

That's a bloody pencil case.

Oh, no, no, you're confused. You see, it doubles as a pencil case.

See, look, I'll show you.

We are here near Dubbo.

If we follow this road, we cross over the zipper, then we're here in Sydney.

That's not Sydney.

Then you follow that road, and then you're in Sydney.

You're always having this problem. You're looking at your map. You're like,

where do I put my pencil?

You have to get a separate item. This, now together, at last.

Don't trust it you bloody baby boomers. You don't understand new technology

Please don't cause me any trouble.

I mean you no harm.

I'm afraid we might have to drop something from the itinerary. Big Ned

Kelly? No, we can't miss Big Ned Kelly.

It's un-Australian. What about Farlap?

No, we can't miss Farlap.

It's un-Australian.

Then we drop big banana.

No, you can't miss the big banana. It's... Oh, well, no one really cares

about a big banana. We can skip it. I do.

We have to drop something from the itinerary.

Once you drop one big fruit, who is to say you won't drop another?

It's the domino effect.

Miss Kamala, what the bloody hell are you talking about?

First, you miss the big banana.

Next, you miss the big pineapple, then the big mango.

Before you know it, it's out of control.

Excuse me, professor.

Some of the students heard a rumor about us missing some big fruits.

Is that...

True.

No one is missing out on the big fruit.

You promise, Professor?

Yes.

Okay. We will go and see all the big fruits.

Professor, why are we crossing the border into Queensland?

What seems to be the problem, officer?

You got any fruit, mate?

It's illegal to bring across the border.

Fruit on the bus.

What? I think we might have a bit.

Thank you.

When going to Queensland, you are forbidden to take fruit across

the border.

These are fine.

Queenslanders love these things.

Just not fruit.

Yeah.

Rightio. Thanks.

Right. Okay then.

Hello. Could we have ten double rooms and four single rooms, please?

You'll be pushing it. We have family rooms with bunks and singles.

I've got lilos. But we pumps cactus, so you're gonna have to use your north and

south. Sorry, north and south?

Your mouth.

But wouldn't the cactus hurt my mouth?

Excuse me, sir.

So, do you have a bit of trouble with crocodiles around here?

Are you taking the piss?

If you don't mind me asking you, is that the crocodile that took your, you know,

your arm?

That crocodile?

Yeah. The one with my arm in it.

Doesn't it make you angry having to look at it all day?

That croc there doesn't make me angry.

The crop that makes me angry is in the dining room.

What do you think he was doing when this happened?

It is advised that you do not swim at Australian beaches at dusk

or at dawn in freshwater lagoons, saltwater lakes,

billabongs, or estuaries.

The safest time to swim in Australia is between 2.30 and 3.30

on Sunday in this lake here.

I need to tell you something. It's very important.

I put all the lobsters behind Lizzie.

Someone needs to know where the emergency cache is.

So I stashed some money in case I'm taken by a shark or a redback.

And what about that picture over there, Ms. Kamala? The pineapples are under the

picture of Charlene and the man with the mallet.

The graynesses are behind Skippy.

I couldn't put anything under that picture, Shani.

I don't know. Something about him I just don't trust.

At the last turn of 10th, if you have a rat cop, it looks like Panda could fire

in. Too late to call as they cross.

Come on, sideways.

Yes, yes, yes.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Yes.

Hello, boss. Hello, mate.

Any food?

Oh, yes, please.

Got any rambutan?

two bangers of mad and a ham and pineapple schnitzel thank you

Dean Tipton?

Where the bloody hell have you been?

Oh, you.

Hello, Professor.

So anyway, it turns out the cat that I thought was my friend's cat was actually

an unrelated cat.

Isn't that funny?

Was it clear that the cat I thought it was a different cat?

I might have lost you in some of the nuanced storytelling going on, but...

Yes. I'll start again, okay. So I see this cat out of my window, and I go out

to the cat, right?

And we will call you back as soon as possible.

Yeah, we finally made it into Queensland.

We're all staying in the only motel in the area.

Unfortunately, they didn't have enough rooms for all of us.

Opera house?

No, not yet.

But we're very close. Like, maybe tomorrow.

Yeah.

We have seen... We have seen the border crossing.

You must stay quiet, Corby.

I want another Shiraz.

We will get you many Shirazes. Don't you worry.

It's all in my room.

Quick. Yes, yes. We're going. We're going.

What's the noise?

That's not what I think it is.

What do you think it is?

Two students playing with a slinky.

Yes, that's what it'll be.

Unless it's Chester banging the Rossi Sheila.

Bloody teen.

Professor, where is he?

He will meet us later.

This is our third day and we have not seen anything we came here to see. And

the teen's contribution has been... Let me see.

Zero. All is perfectly going to plan.

What do you think, Chester? Teen's contribution.

I know he has not... contributed much, but his hair is magnificent.

Makes it hard for me to doubt him.

Okay, class.

We are here.

You're in for a real treat.

Isn't it, Miss Kamala?

Oh, yes.

I think the class will enjoy.

We are going to shag some shit.

Just like the stockmen do.

Does he mean Shir Rashi?

I think he has Shir and Shaag confused.

Should I tell him?

Yes. Good day. My name is Professor Dhillon.

And those are my students.

We were wondering if we could shag a couple of your sheep.

None of my students have done that before.

Probably they would like to give it a go.

Do you shag the sheep yourself?

Or does your wife have a go at that too?

Ah.

This looks like a wombat.

Check it out. This is Karen. I've got a date with her. Yeah, she thinks I'm a

cricketer.

Do you know what cricket is?

It's like a small bug.

Chester?

The baggy green worn by Australian test cricketers has long been

a symbol of national pride.

as has the green baggie

Four stars.

So the three clams has four stars.

And the four clams has three stars.

I wonder what's better?

More clams or more stars?

Good day, Knackers.

There you go.

Why is he wearing so many medals?

He's a deer.

Oh, that's great.

We don't have medals for digging, anyway.

Your distributor's shagged, mate. The shaft's torn right out of the box.

Is that good or bad?

Nah, it's knackered.

What do you want to do?

Yes, I would like it fixed.

I'll give you a call.

Okay, but I don't have a phone.

We'll come back in a week. And you'll have a phone for me?

I won't have a fucking phone.

What the f... I'm just wondering if we could get a bus

to the Big Porn Apple. It leaves right out the front of that place.

Great. Thank you very much.

Oh, Chester, why have you got a bag?

I'm going to stay at Karen's house tonight.

What? Did you not listen to a word I said?

No, not really.

We have got to go to the big pineapple first thing in the morning.

Okay, well, whatever is going on here, I'm going to go see Karen.

Good luck with the coconut or whatever it was.

Oh, good digging.

Hope you get a medal for it.

Hello,

love. How was lock-up?

Same as always.

Couple of tickets.

You know how it is.

What's with the tea pot?

I just felt like several cups of tea.

But you always use tea bags.

I know, but I just felt like a pot.

There's someone fucking here.

No.

Relax relax.

I am working here. Okay. I'm working Look look at what I found you're lucky.

I found this the fuck is that This is this is a moth found a fucking moth.

I'm a moth exterminator Okay, just relax the lava inside the moth. It's still

living. It's very dangerous.

You know, I'm fucking dangerous I am fucking dangerous not as dangerous as

this moth. I mean I'm telling you sir If you want me to go, I will go. You know,

I'm trying to help you with the moth thing, but you're not taking this very

seriously, so that's fine. You can live with moths. Are you fucking serious?

Hang on!

Cass, is he fucking telling the truth?

Yeah, he's okay.

He's the mothman.

I would never joke about moths or the extermination thereof.

Well, how fucking bad is it?

Yeah, look, so you've got a heavy infestation. We're going to have to

fumigate the whole place. What, the whole fucking house?

Yes, well, that's how these things go. It's a serious job.

I knew he had a problem, honey.

Okay, well, fuck.

I'm Barry.

I'm Chester. It's nice to meet you.

Sorry I misjudged you.

Hey, look, you know, it's not the first time that someone has come around me and

thinks I'm slamming their wife or whatever.

But you look, we figured it out, I'll go get my equipment.

You want to start your dinner? I'm actually, I just ate.

In Australia, a supermarket bought cooked chicken, like

this one, is called a bachelor's handbag.

Why are we not moving?

We'll be late for the big pineapple.

Hey, Don.

She's chockers today.

Is there a doctor's convention here?

Don, that's racist.

I'm not a racist.

My hairdresser is a liberal.

See?

We're still not moving.

Give him a break. Then he's just having a ciggy.

In 1975...

The Australian government introduced the Racial Discrimination Act and there

hasn't been any racism in Australia since.

Who the bloody hell closes a pineapple?

Excuse me, man. Yeah, man.

When will this big pineapple reopen?

Hard to say.

Uh-oh.

Shani's gonna do her na-na.

Oh, Shani.

Not that bad.

Not that bad.

It's not that bad.

It could have been even worse.

How?

Our plane landed in the middle of nowhere.

anything we planned to see, not even a kangaroo. And the dean's off gambling

our money away.

And now this.

How could it possibly be worse?

You could have ended up in Adelaide.

I don't care who he is. He's a bloody ratbag.

This entire trip has been a balls up.

I have an idea.

We shoot the dean in the face and tell everyone that Professor did it.

That's not my real idea.

We'll write the complaint letter to the school board about the dean demanding

your money back.

I would like to send this letter to my college in Delhi immediately.

Do you have a scanner?

Some even better.

This is not the first time the Dean has let me down, but it may be the last.

I need a reply to be translated into Australian.

Why would we need to do that?

In case an Australian picks it up, I want them to know the severity.

Good thinking, Rakesh.

Dari, could you take some notes, please?

Dear Dean, I hear you've been naughty and irresponsible.

I'm not happy.

I want you to start taking responsibility.

How does that translate so far, diary?

Dear Dean, I hear you have been a bloody dickhead.

I am bloody pissed off.

I have had a gutful.

It's time you pulled your bloody finger out.

Good.

If you don't stop behaving, you will no longer be Dean.

If you don't get your shit together, you can stick your job up your ass.

Thank you, Dari.

That'll certainly do it.

Thank you.

Am I white?

Extremely white.

Am I white?

Eh, you're kind of... You're kind of orange.

What's that noise?

It's the fax machine.

It's a fax from India.

India?

For a bloke called Dean.

Sorry to interrupt you, mate.

It's got a fax here from India, but it's addressed to a Dean somebody.

Oh, Dean Devden.

He's the Dean of our college.

I could give this to him.

We'll put it on the door. Yeah.

Yeah. He's meant to be here teaching us about Australia, but he keeps

disappearing. Been a bit of a Ravi Shanker, is he? Oh, no, no. He's not

musical. As I said, he's just disappeared and no one can find him.

What about 4GR?

Okay, let's give it a go, love.

Hello.

This is the public announcement.

We are looking for a... tall Indian men in a brown king suit.

Meet us tomorrow at 3 p.m. at the Four Clamps Caravan Park.

I repeat, 3 p.m. at the Four Clamps Caravan Park.

Not 4 p.m. at the Three Clamps Caravan Park.

Also, if anyone thinks they have seen a man who fits this description,

Please contact the radio station for a reward.

Amit Ray.

I thought I had a problem with the missus. You've got a problem.

My missus thinks I'm a drinker with a gambling problem.

Jeez Ron, that's rough.

You bet it is.

A gambler with a drinking problem.

Drink it with a gamble, probably.

Yeah.

Shit.

This is really... This is so hard.

What's wrong, love?

Look,

you got four horses in one race.

That's not a quaddie.

You need one horse and four races.

One horse and four races.

One leg per horse, yeah? Leg.

What do you mean leg? You mean horses have to hop.

What?

No, Yanong. Look.

Found a fucking Indian guy in our bedroom.

You can imagine what I'm thinking.

I'm thinking, hey, let's bring out the fucking haymakers.

Put this cunt through the fucking wall, but turns out he's okay.

He's okay. He's okay.

Yeah, he's helping us with, uh... You'll never guess.

With what?

Moths. We've got a moth problem.

Moths. Moths?

Mm-hmm.

He's a mothman?

Like part moth.

Like Spider-Man.

But moths.

Just fucking moths.

The whole place is fucking riddled with him.

But he's all over it, right? His name's Chester.

He's a bloody legend.

Yeah.

Ah, Chester.

You're back with us. Yes, Karen is in course today.

Ah, the Centrelink people finally caught up with her.

You know, I think I'm falling for this woman.

She's introduced me to many Australian things.

Meat pies.

AFL, casual racism.

It's a rich cultural stew.

Hello.

Oh, hair cut or travel, darling.

Sorry? Hair cut or travel.

Or a pilchard.

Or some worms, maybe.

On the shelf under the window over there.

Ah, we want to book some flights.

Ah, travel inquiry.

Right, take a seat.

I'll be with you in a jiffy.

Thank you.

Where are you off to?

We're off to Uluru.

Oh, Uluru.

Good choice.

When do you want to go?

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Tuesday?

Mmm. Sorry.

Best I can do is Tuesday week.

I think that will be too late, Professor.

Look, I'll tell you what.

Triennies down the road, they look after the backpackers.

To be quite honest, I think we're a bit too upmarket for you.

Yeah, I'm sure you're right, love.

G'day.

G'day.

Don the hairdresser sent us down here.

Ah. We see a board outside there for a tour in Australia.

Australia, our most popular attraction.

See everything that's worth seeing in Australia in an hour.

Just $8.50 a pop.

Mm-hmm. So it's just three of you, is there?

No, there is about 20. We have 15 Indian students with us who really want to see

Uluru. Today is your lucky day.

Straya theme park.

has the exact replica of Uluru. And it's just a stone throw down the road.

It's actually a replica of a replica based on a famous rock road house from

the Leyland Brothers' world before it became petrol station and burned down.

I have no idea what he's talking about.

But it sounds interesting.

You'll love it.

We'll take it.

Of course you will take it. You'll love it.

Here are your tickets. You give us 170 bucks and we'll be sweet.

Oh,

Dean. Oh, it's you.

You made it.

Well, not quite.

I'm looking for my caravan.

Caravan? Oh, I think that one is yours.

You're with the professor.

With the professor?

Yes. Again?

A green bag and a female...

coat a goon bag and a female coat

a goon bag and a female dear

dean

we hear you have been a bloody dickhead we are bloody pissed off

Mi hubby's found out you're not the Mothman.

What?

He wants to give you a knuckle sandwich.

Well, that's nice of him.

Wait, a sandwich filled with what?

Oh, no, not that kind of sandwich, a twit.

It means he wants to knock your block off.

My block?

Yeah, your fucking head.

Oh, no.

But then how will I kiss you?

Hello. Hello. And welcome to our caravan. Thank you.

Hello. This takes it.

We have heard we have got little emergency cash stashed away.

Who told you that?

Oh, let's say little buddy told us.

What? The finances for the trip, they are dried up.

They are as dry as Englishman's towel.

If you can guess where it is hidden, you can have it.

Psst. Psst, Professor.

Chester.

Bloody hell, what the hell are you doing under there? Like a wombat.

I'm hiding from Karen's husband.

He found out about us. Now he wants to give me a sandwich.

If he's so mad at you, why the hell is he going to give you a sandwich?

Well, that is what I thought. But apparently the sandwich is full of

knuckles.

Is she up the duff, Chester?

What is up the duff?

Has she got an oven in the bun?

Don't you mean bun in the oven?

Are you sure you didn't put a bun in there?

No, I barely touched her oven.

Chester, are you going to throw away all the hard work you have done so far?

Listen, Professor, I'm in love with this woman.

My plan is to stay in Australia and take care of her like a good Aussie bloke.

What about the photocopying?

Well, just get Miss Kamala to do it.

I have shit going on here, Professor. Can't you see?

I'm under a caravan. I don't care about photocopies.

Have you seen what the professor has in store for us, Ms. Kamala?

Oh, no.

It's time we took things into our own hands, Ms. Kamala.

Are you sure that's a good idea?

Exactly how much money do you have in that echidna, Ms. Kamala?

I'm afraid the echidna is empty.

The students want to go to Uluru.

I'm not so sure if we can afford it.

Don't worry about cash.

I've got three legs in a quaddi.

And if the little bastard comes in at 8th at the Dumbin, we'll have

enough to fly everyone to Uluru via Paris.

Hey, Chester!

We've come to say farewell.

Are you going through with it?

Yeah, nah.

We're splitting to Bundaberg.

We've got some work in the cane fields. Yes, making canes.

Are you sure you're going to be happy?

Yeah, shit yeah. I'm as happy as a bastard on Father's Day.

We're in love.

See you later, dickheads.

Hey, Kelly.

Should we call a cab?

Excuse me, Matt.

Eddie sent us here.

These are our tickets.

Okay.

Are you serious, Professor?

Fucking $8.50 for...

Arvo of shit.

Don't let me interrupt.

Whoopsie fucking doo, the dean is here.

What exactly are you the dean of? The dean of schooners? The dean of quaddies?

You came here not for holiday.

You came here to study Australians.

Explain to us how visiting a closed pineapple or watching Professor

Bangersheep is going to get any of us a job.

She's staring even new asshole.

Sorry, Shani.

The doggies fucked me side.

So we're broke.

So I'm going to tell you what we'll do next.

We're taking what little money we have left back to the travel agent, and then

we're going to find a way to get to Uluru.

Did I win?

No, you lost again, Bob.

What's the scores?

20, 30, 45, 46, 47. 47-0.

Sorry.

I hope you're not taking advantage of my poor eyesight.

No, I'm taking advantage of the fact you're shit at Connect One.

Can I go first this time?

No. No, when it goes first, you know the rules.

What's that?

A cat?

We don't have a cat.

A bird?

We don't have a bird either.

We could telephone.

That'd be bloody right. We could get a phone call. Can't find the bloody cat.

Hello? Bob Dunn Airlines.

Bob can't do it. It can't be done.

What can I do for?

Yeah.

I think we've got a job.

Bloody hell.

I'll get the Bundy.

Ah, how are you, madam?

Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Just a little bit of an interesting trivia for

you before we get underway.

This is actually the same...

aircraft this old beast same aircraft exact same model that uh famous flight

572 the uruguay football team crashed into the andes and uh they all perished

apart from a couple who um ended up eating themselves but nonetheless same

model which is interesting uh fun fact and just a bit of housekeeping uh seat

belts on this side they're no good uh they need replacing so if we do get into

any trouble he could jump onto the other side and maybe some of the uh The

heaviest set passengers.

You know who you are.

If you could just maybe remain on this side, just to balance things out a bit

and we should be okay.

Let's get this saline can in the air and let's hit the bloody rock.

I'm not sure this was a good idea.

It wasn't a good idea, Professor.

Think fast.

Good reflexes.

Vicky?

Vicky?

There you go.

Beautiful. I'm sorry to bother you, but is the pilot alright to fly?

Oh yeah, he's fine.

I've been flying with Bob for 20 years.

I'm still alive.

Anyway,

you've got to believe in the power of positive thinking, don't you?

These things fly themselves these days, basically.

Oh, fuck.

It's the wrong bloody rock.

Shani, don't cry.

It's okay.

Oh, my God.

Oh, they're back.

I better get rid of them.

Boy, that was quick.

Yeah, well, we thought we were going to see Uluru.

Yeah, sorry about that. Bob's not the most reliable pilot.

He's all like, oh, shit, where are we? Are we in an airfield? What is this? You

know?

Yeah, once we landed on a milk truck.

Anyway, you found the gift shop?

Oh.

Where's the snow?

Have you guys ever had a choccy royal?

No. Do you want to see a trick?

It's naughty.

Me and my sisters do it sometimes.

When you were kids?

No. Just recently.

In 2020, the confectionery company that made these chocolate

brown jelly babies decided the name Chico's was culturally insensitive.

Instead of removing them from sale...

they decided to change their name showing that Australians are happy to

eat the little brown babies no matter what they were called.

Hello?

Oh, shit.

Professor, come!

Holy strut! Blind Bob is blind.

What's going on?

Oh, we are out of Bunty.

The bloody pilot is pissed.

Professor?

Oh, goodness.

Pilot Bob?

There, I bet they got some pulling power.

Well, just wait a minute, Darren.

Have you seen this?

The bloody hell are those drunk girls doing up there?

Flight 576, this is Gympie Valley Control Tower. Over.

Foxtrot, Tango, Brown Bunny.

Foxtrot, Tango.

Slow walls.

Rumba, the cha-cha-cha, the mashed potato.

5576, can you hear me?

What's your situation?

My situation?

I am a professor from India.

I am married with two, no, four children.

And I have come out here with my students. I did ask you a question.

Where is your pilot?

Our pilot is unconscious.

Foxtrot, Tango, Lady Boy.

Professor.

You're going to need to find someone responsible enough to take the controls

and land the plane.

May I suggest you something?

Not me.

Give me that.

Daddy, drive off.

Get out of here.

Please,

class.

Shani is flying the plane. What?

Shani? We are all going to be okay.

Our radar shows your plane is on the way to the airport.

Okay, so just don't touch anything yet.

Sorry, students.

I have been a bludger and a dickhead.

And once you're close, we will take you through the landing procedure.

Temporarily suspend communication.

I repeat.

Temporarily suspend communication.

Thank you.

It is about time.

I'm so hungry. I could eat the ass out of a low-flying duck. Look at this. This

is so nice.

Nice pie, good? Yeah, yeah. All right.

5576, we are back online.

Let's land this plane.

We're not here to fuck spiders.

Funny trip in the end.

Don't you think, Dean?

When we stop and think about it, really, it was... What's that term they use?

A shit show.

That's it. A shit show.

Oh, hello, Shani.

No hard feelings, Dean.

Dean?

Did you want to thank Shani for lending the plane and saving our lives?

How about it, Dean?

Thank you, Shani.

You dickhead wanker.

You're welcome, Dean. You piece of shit.

Welcome back, Shani.

Welcome, Ms. Kamla.

Dari here is going to ask you a few questions about the trip.

The treasurer will record them.

Dari, your first question.

Was Dean Devden on the source?

Well, he might have had a schooner or two, but nothing serious.

A schooner or two?

Nothing serious.

Did Dean Devden waste company funds on the dish lickers?

I did find some of his betting slips.

Oh, and these.

Vishnu, have you...

learnt any valuable lessons on your trip to Australia?

You boys seem like you're pretty far out from your jurisdiction.

Anyway, we're off duty.

Where's my nose?

Have you got any endos?

Why? Are you in pain?

No.

Where are you guys from?

Delhi. Like a Coles?

India. Is that a different shop?