Original subtitles

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME TO THE STAGE...RITA RUDNER.

HELLO.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I AM SO HAPPY TO BE HERE.

IN FACT, I'M JUST HAPPY TO HAVE A JOB.

THIS ECONOMY I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THIS ECONOMY.

MY INVESTMENTS ARE SO TERRIBLE, I HAVE TO TELL YOU.

AT THIS POINT, I HAVE A 401 NOT OKAY.

BUT IT'LL GET BETTER.

THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE SAYS, "IT'LL GET BETTER," AND I KNOW IT WILL.

WE JUST HAVE TO STAY ALIVE FOR 800 YEARS.

NOW I'M NO GENIUS, BUT AS FAR AS I CAN FIGURE OUT, IT ALL BEGAN BECAUSE THE BANKS LOANED

OUR MONEY MONEY THAT WE MADE TO PEOPLE WHO COULDN'T PAY IT BACK.

CORRECT?

OKAY, HERE'S MY PREMISE.

IT WAS OUR MONEY.

WE MADE IT.

SHOULDN'T THEY HAVE ASKED US FIRST?

I THINK THEY SHOULD HAVE CALLED ME UP AND SAID, "HELLO, RITA, THIS IS THE BANK.

WE'RE THINKING OF LOANING YOUR MONEY TO AN IDIOT.

ARE YOU IN?"

WELL, THERE'S ALWAYS A SILVER LINING.

THE BAD NEWS IS, THE WORLD IS ENDING.

THE GOOD NEWS IS, EVERYTHING'S ON SALE.

AND WHO DO YOU TRUST WITH YOUR MONEY?

I WENT TO AN INVESTMENT COUNSELOR.

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS GUY HAD THE NERVE TO ASK ME?

WAIT TILL YOU HEAR THIS QUESTION.

"WHAT'S YOUR RISK TOLERANCE?

WHAT MONEY ARE YOU COMFORTABLE LOSING?"

I SAID, "YOUR MONEY."

OF COURSE, I HAVE TOO MANY CREDIT CARDS.

I LOST ONE, AND I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE.

I NOTICED WHEN I GOT THAT BILL.

OOH, IT WAS SO MUCH LESS.

I'M LETTING HIM KEEP IT. I'M SAVING MONEY.

AND, OF COURSE, NOW THEY NOT ONLY STEAL YOUR CREDIT CARD, THEY STEAL YOUR IDENTITY.

I THINK, IF THEY STEAL YOUR IDENTITY, THEY SHOULD HAVE TO VISIT YOUR PARENTS.

AND I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY OF YOU KNOW, I AM A MOMMY NOW.

I HAVE

I HAVE THE MOST WONDERFUL LITTLE GIRL IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD.

SHE'S NINE YEARS OLD, THOUGH I'M STILL TRYING TO LOSE THE WEIGHT.

IT'S SO WEIRD 'CAUSE WE ADOPTED.

AND IT TOOK US A COUPLE TRIES.

THE FIRST TIME, WE REALLY MESSED UP THE PAPERWORK.

WE ACCIDENTALLY ADOPTED A HIGHWAY.

CAN I TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED?

'CAUSE THIS IS SOMETHING MANY PEOPLE DON'T TALK ABOUT AND IT HAPPENED TO ME.

I TRIED TO GET PREGNANT, BUT I COULDN'T, AND IT TURNED OUT IT WAS BECAUSE, WHEN I WAS YOUNGER,

I HAD SPENT A LOT OF TIME IN JACUZZIS, AND I'D ACCIDENTALLY HARD-BOILED MY EGGS.

WHATCHA GONNA DO?

AND WE TALKED ABOUT GETTING A SURROGATE.

THE DOCTOR EXPLAINED WHAT WOULD HAVE TO HAPPEN IS THAT THE DOCTOR WOULD HAVE TO TAKE THE

EGGS OUT OF THE YOUNG GIRL AND FERTILIZE THEM WITH MY HUSBAND'S SPERM.

AND MY HUSBAND SAID, "WELL, WAIT A SECOND, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE EGGS OUT?"

SO WE ADOPTED.

AND I WAS A LITTLE WORRIED.

WOULD I HAVE MATERNAL INSTINCTS?

BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT, 'CAUSE ONCE YOU LOOK AT THAT BABY, YOUYOU HAVE FEELINGS

THAT ARE SO DEEP, YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU HAD THEM.

I NEVER THOUGHT THAT SOMEONE COULD TAKE SOMETHING OUT OF THEIR NOSE...

AND AND HAND IT TO ME WHILE I WAS EATING DINNER,

AND I WOULD SAY "THANK YOU."

AND SHE'S GROWING UP TOO FAST.

I REMEMBER THE FIRST PICTURE SHE EVER DREW OF ME.

IT WAS SO SWEET.

I SAID, "THAT'S SO LOVELY, HONEY.

MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU COULD DRAW MOMMY'S BREASTS JUST A LITTLE HIGHER."

I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME I BOUGHT HER A HELIUM BALLOON, AND SHE LET IT GO IN THE HOUSE, AND

IT FLEW TO THE CEILING.

AND SHE LOOKED UP AT ME WITH HER BIG BLUE EYES, AND SHE SAID, "MOMMY, GET IT."

AND I GOT UP ON A LADDER, AND I GOT IT DOWN FOR HER. AND SHE WAS SO HAPPY.

AND THEN WE WERE OUTSIDE.

YES, SHE LET IT GO. AND SHE LOOKED UP AT ME AGAIN, THIS TIME TEARS STREAMING DOWN HER

CHEEKS AS THE BALLOON FLEW INTO THE UNIVERSE, AND SHE SAID, "MOMMY, GET IT."

AND I JUST COULDN'T ADMIT TO HER THERE ARE SOME THINGS IN THIS WORLD THAT MOMMY MOMMY CAN'T DO FOR HER.

SO I SAID, "ASK DADDY TO GET IT."

YOU LEARN SO MUCH ABOUT YOURSELF WHEN YOU HAVE A BABY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I LEARNED?

I LEARNED THAT I DON'T KNOW THE WORDS TO ANY SONG.

IT'S SO HUMILIATING, SINGING TO HER.

♪ A, B, C, D ♪ ♪ LA LA LA ♪

YOU KNOW WHAT'S CHANGED ABOUT TOYS SINCE I WAS A KID?

NOTHING COMES ASSEMBLED ANYMORE.

ISN'T THAT TRUE OF EVERYTHING THOUGH?

NOTHING COMES ASSEMBLED ANYMORE.

OKAY, I'VE GOT A QUESTION.

I THINK IT'S A GOOD ONE.

I THINK YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE IT. ARE YOU READY?

THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE OUT OF WORK IN AMERICA.

CAN'T SOME OF THEM FIND JOBS PUTTING SHIT TOGETHER?

MY HUSBAND'S SO SMART, BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT HE DOES.

HE BOUGHT HER ONE OF THESE TRICYCLES YOU HAD TO ASSEMBLE.

I DIDN'T SEE HIM FOR WEEKS.

AND SHE COULD RIDE IT, SHE JUST HAD TO CARRY A WHEEL.

ONE THING I WASN'T PREPARED FOR HOW MUCH ENERGY KIDS HAVE.

OH, MY GOSH, SHE'S NEVER TIRED.

HER FAVORITE GAME IS HIDE-AND-SEEK.

IT'S OUR FAVORITE GAME TOO 'CAUSE WE DON'T LOOK FOR HER RIGHT AWAY.

SHE'S GOOD AT HIDE AND SEEK.

SHE HIDES BEHIND THE SOFA, SHE JUMPS OUT, SCARES US TO DEATH.

I THINK WHEN SHE GROWS UP, SHE MIGHT BE A STATE TROOPER.

OF COURSE, I AM AN OLDER MOTHER, SO I WORRY.

I WORRY ABOUT THINGS, BUT...I THINK WE'LL JUST CONNECT IN DIFFERENT WAYS.

LIKE, WE'LL BOTH BE LOSING OUR TEETH AT AROUND THE SAME TIME.

GETTING OLDER CAN COME IN VERY, VERY HANDY.

SHE SAID, "MOMMY, WHEN DID YOU GET YOUR EARS PIERCED?"

AND I SAID, "WHEN I WAS 13."

SHE SAID, "WELL, I WANT TO GET MY EARS PIERCED WHEN I'M 12 BECAUSE I WANT TO DO EVERYTHING

ONE YEAR YOUNGER THAN YOU.

WHEN DID YOU GET YOUR FIRST CELL PHONE?"

I SAID, "WHEN I WAS 46."

SHE WANTED A DOG. WE FINALLY GOT A DOG.

WE GOT HER AN OLDER FRENCH POODLE WHO USED TO WORK IN AN AIRPORT, SNIFFING OUT FAKE LOUIS VUITTONS.

AND MY HUSBAND SAID, "I'LL WALK THE DOG." AND MY DAUGHTER SAID, "I'LL WALK THE DOG."

GUESS WHO WALKS THE DOG.

MOMMY WALKS THE DOG.

YEAH.

MY HUSBAND WALKED THE DOG ONCE.

MY NEIGHBOR CAME RUNNING OUT AND ASKED, "IS RITA DEAD?"

THE WORLD IS CHANGING SO MUCH THOUGH.

WHAT'S THE WORLD GOING TO BE LIKE WHEN SHE HAS CHILDREN?

WHAT IS SHE GOING TO SAY TO HER KIDS?

"HONEY, WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL, THERE WERE ONLY THREE KARDASHIANS."

AND HERE'S SOMETHING SO STRANGE THAT HAPPENED TO ME THE OTHER DAY THAT I HAVE TO TELL YOU ABOUT.

SHE HAD A COLD, AND I WENT TO THE PHARMACY TO GET HER SOME CHILDREN'S TYLENOL.

AND THE PHARMACIST SAID, "YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE," AND I SAID, "WHY?

ALL I WANT IS A BOTTLE OF CHILDREN'S TYLENOL."

AND HE SAID, "YES, BUT WE HAVE TO TAKE DOWN YOUR, UH, NUMBER BECAUSE PEOPLE USE AN INGREDIENT

IN CHILDREN'S TYLENOL TO MAKE A DRUG CALLED OXYCOTTON."

AND I SAID, "WELL, THANK YOU FOR HAVING SO MUCH CONFIDENCE IN ME.

I CAN'T EVEN MAKE MEATLOAF."

THE WORLD IS GETTING TOO STRANGE FOR ME.

COMPUTERS ARE MAKING EVERYTHING SO IMPERSONAL.

I WAS ON THE COMPUTER THE OTHER DAY, AND A LITTLE SIGN CAME UP SAYING, "YOUR COMPUTER MIGHT BE INFECTED."

AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF,

"REMEMBER THE GOOD OLD DAYS...

WHEN YOU HAD TO SLEEP WITH SOMEONE TO GET A VIRUS?"

OF COURSE, MY HUSBAND IS TECHNO-BOY.

HE GOT THE IPHONE.

LOVES HIS IPHONE.

HAD IT FOR A WEEK, DROPPED IT IN THE SINK.

SO THIS IS NOT ONLY A COMEDY SHOW, THIS IS A SHOW WHERE I DELIVER HELPFUL HINTS.

WHAT YOU DO IN THIS CASE IS, YOU GET A PLASTIC BAG, YOU FILL IT WITH DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU FILL IT WITH?

RICE.

YOU'VE ALL DONE IT TOO!

AND YOU SEAL UP THE BAG, AND YOU LEAVE IT THERE FOR A FEW DAYS,

AND THE RICE GRADUALLY ABSORBS THE WATER.

AND HE OPENED THE BAG UP, AND HE CAN MAKE PHONE CALLS AGAIN BUT ONLY TO CHINA.

HE'S REWIRED OUR WHOLE HOUSE, SO WE CAN CONTROL EVERYTHING FROM ONE PANEL.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, I DON'T HAVE TO BE ABLE TO OPEN UP THE GARAGE DOOR WHILE I'M ON THE TOILET.

HE ALSO PUT IN A NEW ALARM SYSTEM.

HE FORGOT THE CODE.

THE POLICE CAME.

HE WOULDN'T ADMIT HE'D FORGOTTEN THE CODE, HE JUST TURNED HIMSELF IN.

BUT THE WORLD IS CHANGING SO FAST.

EVERYONE HAS TATTOOS NOW.

IT'S THE VERY IN THING, YOU MUST GET A TATTOO, AND I WOULD NEVER GET ONE, BUT LUCKILY, ON

MY LEFT LEG, I DO HAVE A VEIN IN THE SHAPE OF A SHIP.

AND I UNDERSTAND TATTOOS WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG 'CAUSE THEY LOOK SO COOL ON YOU WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG.

HERE COMES MY PROBLEM.

YOU'RE GOING TO GET OLDER.

THEY'RE STILL GOING TO BE THERE.

AND THEN WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOUR GRANDCHILD SAYS, "MOMMY, WHY DOES GRANDMA HAVE RATTLESNAKES ON HER CHEST?"

"WELL, LITTLE SUSIE, WHEN GRANDMA WAS A TEENAGER, SHE WAS A PARTY SLUT."

AND YOU KNOW WHAT, I COULD NEVER BE A TATTOO REMOVER.

HOW DO THEY KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE?

WOULDN'T IT BE HARD NOT TO SAY, "SO I GUESS THAT RELATIONSHIP YOU BURNED INTO YOUR BUTTOCKS DIDN'T WORK OUT.

I'M SO SORRY"?

BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS GEARED TOWARDS YOUNG PEOPLE THESE DAYS.

30 IS THE NEW 20.

40 IS THE NEW 30.

AND 50 IS THE NEW 80.

I HAVE TO TELL YOU THE PLIGHT OF THE OLDER WOMEN 'CAUSE I AM OVER 50, AND UM, I ANSWERED

THE PHONE THE OTHER DAY.

IT WAS ONE OF THESE UNSOLICITED PHONE CALLS.

AND THE VOICE ON THE OTHER END SAID, "WE ARE LOOKING FOR THE OPINION OF WOMEN OF ALL AGES."

SO I STAYED ON THE PHONE 'CAUSE I USUALLY HANG UP, BUT I DIDN'T. I STAYED ON THE PHONE.

THEY SAID, "ARE YOU 18 TO 29?"

I SAID, "NO."

"29 TO 39?" I SAID, "NO."

"39 TO 49?" I SAID, "NO."

THEY HUNG UP.

I BLAME THE ADVERTISERS. THEY ONLY WANT TO APPEAL TO PEOPLE IN THEIR 20s.

THEY THINK PEOPLE IN THEIR 50s HAVE NO MONEY, AND WE DO.

WE JUST KEEP HAVING TO GIVE IT TO PEOPLE IN THEIR 20s.

I HAVE TO SAY THOUGH, I HATE MENOPAUSE.

I GET HOT, I GET COLD, I TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF, I PUT THEM BACK ON.

MY HUSBAND SAYS IT'S LIKE LIVING WITH A SCHIZOPHRENIC STRIPPER.

I THINK THERE MUST BE SOME ANCIENT PHYSIOLOGICAL REASON FOR MENOPAUSE.

I THINK A LONG, LONG TIME AGO, WHEN WOMEN GOT OLDER, THE CAVEMEN PUSHED THEM AWAY FROM

THE FIRE TO MAKE WAY FOR THE YOUNGER WOMEN, AND WE HAD TO DEVELOP OUR OWN INTERNAL HEATING SYSTEMS.

MY FRIEND'S HAVING REAL PROBLEMS.

HER HOT FLASHES ARE SO SEVERE, SHE'S BEEN BANNED FROM BASKIN ROBBINS.

AND SHE'S NEWLY SINGLE.

IT'S SO HARD FOR HER.

SHE TRIED ONLINE DATING.

I TOLD HERI TOLD HER, "YOU BE CAREFUL.

PEOPLE LIE ABOUT WHO THEY ARE."

SHE SAID, "RITA, I HAVE FAITH IN MY FELLOW HUMAN BEINGS.

HE'S A DIVORCED DOCTOR IN HIS 40s WHO WANTS TO MEET ME, A BILLIONAIRE BALLERINA WHO'S 23."

SHE'S TRYING TO MEET MEN.

SHE WENT TO A NIGHTCLUB, STARTED TALKING TO A GUY.

YOU CAN'T HEAR WHAT ANYONE'S SAYING IN THOSE NIGHTCLUBS.

SHE THOUGHT HE SAID HE WAS A LAWYER ON VACATION.

TURNED OUT HE WAS A VOYEUR ON PROBATION.

SHE'S COMPETING WITH YOUNGER WOMEN.

SHE TOOK UP POLE DANCING.

DIDN'T HAVE THE STAMINA.

WENT AROUND THREE TIMES, GOT DIZZY, THREW UP ON THE TEACHER.

I KNOW, I'M SO GLAD I'M MARRIED.

MY HUSBAND AND I WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 23 YEARS.

YEP.

AND PEOPLE SAY, "HOW DO YOU STAY MARRIED FOR 23 YEARS IN SHOW BUSINESS?"

AND I TELL THEM THE TRUTH.

OUR RELATIONSHIP IS BASED ON TRUST AND RESPECT

AND THE FACT THAT NO OTHER PEOPLE EVER FOUND US ATTRACTIVE.

HE STARTED PLAYING GOLF.

I THINK HE NEEDED SOME TIME ALONE, BUT THEN I STARTED PLAYING TOO, HA HA.

AND I HAVE TO SAY, I'M GETTING BETTER.

THE OTHER DAY, I GOT A BIRDIE...

AND A DUCKY AND A FISHY.

AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU A LITTLE SECRET ABOUT ME AND GOLF.

CAN I TELL YOU?

DON'T TELL MY HUSBAND 'CAUSE HE DOESN'T KNOW.

CAN I TELL YOU?

I DON'T REALLY CARE IF THE BALL GOES IN THE HOLE.

I DON'T CARE.

I PRETEND TO CARE, BUT I DON'T CARE.

AND YOU KNOW WHY I DON'T CARE?

YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE IT DOESN'T MATTER.

THAT'S WHY.

BUT OH, OH, IT MATTERS TO HIM.

HE GETS SO HAPPY WHEN THE BALL GOES IN THE HOLE.

I WANT TO GET UP EARLY ONE DAY WHEN WE'RE PLAYING GOLF AND PUT A BALL IN EACH HOLE AND

TELL HIM HE DID IT. HE'LL BE SO HAPPY.

'CAUSE MEN AND WOMEN WE HAVE DIFFERENT NEEDS.

WOMEN DON'T MAKE OBSCENE PHONE CALLS.

YOU KNOW WHY?

MEN WOULDN'T HANG UP.

I THINK WOMEN ARE MORE SELF-SUFFICIENT THAN MEN, DON'T YOU THINK?

IF A WOMAN IS THIRSTY, SHE GETS A DRINK.

IF A MAN IS THIRSTY, HE SAYS, "I'M THIRSTY,"

AND HE WAITS FOR SOMETHING TO APPEAR.

I LIKE WHEN MY HUSBAND TRIES TO MAKE ME THINK IT'S MY IDEA.

"WANT TO GET ME A BEER?"

OH, WAIT, I DO!

I WANTED TO DO SOMETHING.

I JUST COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT IT WAS."

AND MEN AND WOMEN WE REACT DIFFERENTLY TO SITUATIONS.

IF A WOMAN SEES A MESS, SHE CLEANS IT UP.

IF A MAN SEES A MESS, HE ANNOUNCES IT.

"RITA, THE DOG JUST THREW UP AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS!"

"OKAY, I'LL BE THERE IN A SECOND. TRY NOT TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT."

WE ALWAYS HAVE PILLOW FIGHTS.

I DON'T MEAN WE THROW PILLOWS AT EACH OTHER.

WE HAVE FIGHTS ABOUT WHY I THROW SO MANY PILLOWS ON THE BED

AND WHY HE'S NOT ALLOWED TO PUT HIS HEAD ON ANY OF THEM.

BUT I'VE TOLD HIM, "THESE ARE DECORATIVE PILLOWS.

THESE ARE NOT PILLOWS FOR SLEEPING.

THESE ARE PILLOWS FOR SHOW."

AND HE SAYS, "YES, RITA, BUT WE ARE THE ONLY TWO PEOPLE WHO GO INTO THE BEDROOM.

WHO DO WE DO THE LITTLE PILLOW SHOW FOR?"

AND I HAVE TO BE HONEST WITH YOU, I DON'T KNOW.

I ONLY KNOW THAT I LOVE MY PILLOWS, AND I HAVE TO DO THE SHOW.

AND BEING CONSIDERATE OF THE OTHER PERSON IS IMPORTANT, DON'T GET ME WRONG.

I JUST BOUGHT ONE OF THESE NEW MATTRESSES WHERE I CAN ROLL AROUND ANYWHERE I WANT ON

THE MATTRESS, AND IT DOESN'T DISTURB HIM.

HIS MATTRESS IS IN THE OTHER ROOM.

'CAUSE LET'S FACE IT, SEX IS GOOD, BUT SLEEP IS FANTASTIC.

YOU KNOW WHAT I READ RECENTLY?

YOU KNOW WHAT A MAN'S MOST FREQUENT SEXUAL FANTASY IS?

TWO WOMEN TOGETHER.

I DON'T THINK IT'S 'CAUSE MEN ARE KINKY.

I THINK IT'S 'CAUSE MEN ARE LAZY.

THEY SAY, "WHY DON'T YOU TWO DO IT? I'LL JUST KICK BACK AND HAVE A BEER.

WANT TO GET ME ONE?"

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