Original subtitles

Come on, honey, we're late. Hang on. I need to put these antibacterial insoles

in my shoes, combining two things I hold dear, bowling and hygiene.

I still can't believe you guys joined a bowling league. It's so Flintstones.

What does bowling have to do with vitamins?

Bowling gives your mom and I something we can do together. She cried after

paintball.

Okay, let's go. Girls, remember, no later than 9 o'clock, and then come

straight home from the library.

That's the plan.

It's so cute how they think I ever make it to the library.

Justin, your Aunt Faith is babysitting tonight, and she promised to make you a

nice dinner.

Good thing I went to town on Sloppy Joe's today at lunch.

Hey, middle Americans!

You're not going to believe this. Remember Reed, that cute firefighter I

happened to meet?

Happened to meet because you dried your panties in your toaster.

I owe my life to that brave hero's half an hour of unnecessary CPR.

Anywho, he called and asked me out. Wish me luck.

Wait a minute.

Tonight? You said you'd stay with Justin.

Is that tonight?

I thought that was last night.

We were here last night.

I know.

I just thought it was an easy gig.

Faith, we need you tonight.

And you need to start honoring your commitments.

Yeah, I'm exploring that in therapy.

For example, I told Reed I'd meet him in five minutes, and I'm deeply committed

to honoring that. Look at your little sister making progress. Love ya!

Justin, buddy.

Get your coat on. You're coming with us.

Gee, I had my heart set on doing this math homework.

But you're the boss.

I cannot believe she just walked out on us.

I am so mad. I could just check a puppy.

Why are you so worked up? Seriously, why does it still shock you that Faith's

unreliable? It's just so frustrating.

Isn't she learning anything in therapy?

Look, you will be a lot happier when you come to accept the fact that your sister

is always going to let you down. She is a freaking flake.

I just want to believe she can change. Well, you may have a long wait.

In the meantime...

It might help to use this little trick. Whenever she opens her mouth, I just

screen her out by playing a loop or rock me Amadeus in my head. Let's bowl.

Why does she always do that?

Laverne, Hope has a very specific pre-bowl routine. She says it helps her.

It doesn't.

Don't worry, Charlie.

Just having an off night.

I'll find my A game by this weekend's tournament.

I know you will.

At this point, I'd kill for your D game.

This is so much fun.

Roy, you are a great bowler.

Laverne, you're really, really coming along.

Roy?

You still keep your flask in your bowling bag? Yeah, but I emptied it when

she was talking about the kid in the school play.

Mom, I'm bored.

Can I play?

Justin, sweetheart, this is grown-up bowling. We can't use the bunkers.

Sorry, Dad, I tried.

There they are, Team Shanowski in the house-ki.

Hello. Phil.

Charles. How are we rolling them this fine evening? Are you and the missus

ready for the weekend tourney?

Darn hand lotion.

Hey, Phil.

Oh.

She's, uh, she's just hustling a kid's birthday party over in lane eight.

Yeah, see, that's why the missus won't be joining me in the tourney. I've

recruited Janet Gibson as my partner.

Janet Gibson?

Didn't she qualify for the shot put in Athens?

Qualify? They slipped a bronze medal over that 20-inch neck, my friend. Be

good, Doc.

I can't believe it. Phil Hobart's got Janet Gibson as a ringer.

Maybe your missus will improve.

Maybe Denzel will sing me a love song outside my window.

What are you doing here?

My date with Reed was going great, and then all of a sudden, he had to rush off

to his job.

His job as a fireman?

Apparently, a furnace explosion in a nursing home is more important than an

intimate moment over a blooming onion.

Hey, Faith, listen. As long as you're here, can you go get us a few beers?

No way.

I'm here to bowl. Come on, Justin. You and I will be a team. Charlie, type in

our names.

You can't just step in.

This is a league, not a conga line. She can roll my last frame. Your wife's

bowling has taken me to a very dark place.

No, no. Hey, no.

No. Hey, you can't bowl in those shoes.

Whoa.

Faith, that was... You're good.

I had to compensate for the poor laying conditions.

Too much oil on the fourth plank.

Charlie, how do you pick up a 7-10-2-9-5-6-4 split?

I don't mean to tell you your business, Doc, but you married the wrong sister.

Mom, I don't feel well.

Do you feel warm?

All right.

Come on, let's go. I was getting overwhelmed by the stench of feet

anyway. Actually, I think a sick child should have a parent attend to him. A

parent who hasn't been drinking.

I guess he's right. I'll take him.

Darn, I was just heating up the boards.

Bye. Feel better, buddy.

All right, I guess I'm off.

Um, Beth, you, uh...

You feel like filling in for Hope in our little league here?

Me? Yeah. You're the one that said I couldn't just join in. He's wrong. You

can. The man's an idiot.

I like the way this team thinks.

Anyway, I was shooting this industrial film for a bowling shoe company, and

that's how I learned to bowl, because I'm like, you know, method.

Plus, now I can put it on my resume.

You know, under special skills like fake sign language and accents from made-up

lands.

Well, you're an amazing bowler.

I've never seen a woman who could score over 200.

Except Janet Gibson, but that's muddied by the steroid scandals.

Well, we've spent too much time together today, so...

That's good night in fake sign language.

Yeah, night.

oh um listen faith there's a tournament this weekend and

and i was thinking maybe you and i could partner up a bowling tournament

i might as well wear a polyester pan suit and put my car up on cinder blocks

on the front lawn come on i bet we could win and i'd like nothing more than to

beat

Bill stinking Hobart with his flamboyant leg kick follow through.

Well, I do love to win.

Mainly because somebody else has to lose.

Great. So you'll do it?

The first round starts tomorrow night.

Fine. Wait, what about Hope? I thought she was your partner.

Um, well, truth is, Hope will love to know that she's off the hook. She's

just, you know, she's not that into bowling.

Really? Yeah.

Yeah, the first time I suggested it, she thought we were going shopping for

bowls.

Wow.

It's a good thing you never asked her to play craps.

Hey, how's Justin?

Well, it's a good thing we came home when we did.

As soon as we got out of the car, he threw up everything.

The kid's like a shark.

I'm surprised I didn't see tires and license plates.

Oh, poor kid.

Yeah, he's got a fever, but he's asleep.

I'm glad I brought him home.

But darn, it killed me to walk out on you guys.

Well, you're a mother first and a bowler much later.

Anyway, we got faith to step in for you.

Mmm. How bad was it?

Suffice to say, she cannot do with a bowling ball what you can do.

Wow. It's because of my dance background.

Poise and tempo are key components.

Don't worry. I'll be back on the boards by this weekend's turning.

Yeah, actually, uh, it's a little awkward.

Faith heard about the tournament. She cornered me, all pumped up about how

much she loves bowling. Oh, Charlie, please, please, please, can I play?

It was embarrassing.

Whoa. What'd you say?

I said, no, I'm bowling with hope.

Bowling is hope sport.

True that.

Besides, I said, Faith, you're completely unreliable. And she goes, oh,

please, Charlie, come on. Give me a chance to show you I can change.

She said that? Yeah.

I mean, why should I believe her? Just because she's family and we don't give

her a chance to prove herself, no one else will.

Color me not convinced.

Charlie, let Faith play in the tournament with you. No.

No, damn it!

You're my partner. We bowl together.

No matter how much, it seems like Faith is rounding the corner.

No. If Faith is trying to commit to something, I think we have to support

that.

Come on, please.

Let her play.

Even if she drags you down like an anvil.

Okay.

And don't worry.

I'll give her some pointers.

Don't!

I mean, you know, a magician never reveals her secrets, and when you bowl,

it just... defies logic.

Oh, Justin, baby, you sound terrible.

Can you put a pillow over your head? I can't hear the TV.

Oh, 102.

You're really sick, hon.

Sick enough to watch an R-rated movie?

No, but you can have some chicken soup and make bad words out of the noodles.

Okay, but don't take out all the U's this time.

One time when I was sick, I wrote the entire preamble to the Constitution with

two bowls of soup.

When I was sick, I just ate my soup.

Because that's what normal people do.

Oh, and did you catch Phil Hobart's little show over on Lane 10?

Catch it? What a tool. I mean, I celebrate when I get a strike, but I

don't moonwalk back to my seat.

So, how'd it go? You see what I mean about the leg kick?

Oh, my God, he's like a bowling racket.

So funny. Oh.

Hey, honey, guess what? We made the finals tomorrow.

Hobart and that Sasquatch are going down.

It's just wonderful.

You two will bowl together again tomorrow, and I'll be here by Justin

with a bucket.

Oh. Speaking of the little tyke, I better go put him to bed. Oh, hey,

Faith, when I come back down, we'll talk some more smack about Hobart. Yeah, like

the dorky way he kisses his bicep every time he gets a strike.

Oh, wait, that's you.

You know, of all the people I don't like, that Charlie's starting to grow on

me.

You know...

When Charlie first asked me to bowl with him, I thought it was, like, the worst

idea ever.

I'm sorry.

Charlie asked you to bowl with him?

Begged is more like it. And lucky for you, I said yes. Because, you know,

Charlie told me how much you hate bowling.

Did he?

There.

It's official.

I'm a Midwest bowler.

Oh, poor little guy.

Went to sleep as soon as I put him down.

You asked Faith to be your partner?

I'm wrong. I think I hear him vomiting.

Why?

Did you lie to me?

Because I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

What would hurt my feelings?

Well, telling you that you're not...

Uh, particularly strong bowler.

And Faith is?

Honey, she was born to walk the wood.

Oh, sweetie.

Back off, I'm telling you!

Hope, I'm sorry.

If you really didn't want to hurt my feelings, then why not just suck it up

and let me play with you?

Because we'd lose.

Brutally.

So this really isn't about you protecting my feelings. The truth is,

you care more about winning some stupid bowling trophy.

No, no, it's not that simple. It's so much more complicated than that, honey.

Honey, let's have another baby.

Hi. Did Faith come down yet?

Faith, let's go!

Whew.

Chilly out there.

Chilly in here.

Oh, sure, sweetie.

But I can't drive you, though.

See, I'm not a particularly strong driver.

Okay, as long as we're coming clean, I've never been crazy about your

scrambled eggs.

Look, honey, I don't know how many more ways I can say I'm sorry.

Hope!

How do I look?

Why are you wearing that dress?

Because it makes me look smoking hot while allowing for easy access.

Reed the fireman just called and invited me to the movies. It's back on. Whoa,

whoa, whoa.

I'm so happy for you.

Charlie, aren't you happy for her?

You can't go to movies. We have a bowling tournament.

Well, why don't we just have the tournament next week?

We're not having it. They're having it. We're in it.

Today!

Oh, yeah, right.

I can't make it today.

Tuesday's good for me, though.

I can't believe you. I knew I shouldn't rely on you.

Honey, what did you expect?

Faith is faith.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, don't you worry. You just go out and have fun.

Just so you know, Wednesday morning's also wide open.

Greg, I don't have a partner. I'll be disqualified. She is the most

irresponsible, immature person.

God, I should have backed over her in the driveway when I had the chance.

Why are you so worked up?

Seriously, why does it shock you that Faith is so unreliable?

You know, you'll be a lot happier when you accept that my sister is always

going to let you down.

She's a freaking flake.

Would you be my partner in the finals?

Do you really think after you insulted me and cast me aside for faith, I'd

still bowl with you?

No, probably not.

Damn my passion for this game!

Team Shanowski in the house-ski.

That just never gets old-ski.

Best of luck to you and the little lady. Same to you and the scary lady.

Where is Janet, by the way? Men's room.

Old habits die hard.

Good luck, Charles.

Somebody get me some disinfected shoes.

Charlie's got his partner back.

Hey, what are you doing here?

What happened to your movie date with the fireman?

Well, I was on my way there, and I got to thinking about what you guys said

about me being unreliable, and it made me feel sad that you had just written me

off like that. Well, it's not that we've written you off. We've just come to

grips with who you are. But I don't have to be who I am. I can be somebody else,

only I want to look the same.

That's why I came back, Charlie.

Now, come on.

Let's rip Phil Hobart a new bowling ball hole.

All right.

Let's get you changed in my shirt.

Hold on, Faith.

I've got my partner.

What?

But you and I are the team that got us this far.

She's right. I mean, I know I'm not as good a player as Faith, and...

I understand how important it is for you to win this tournament, so it's...

What's important is sticking with the person I know I can always depend on.

We're talking about the finals of the tournament here.

Is it worth throwing the whole thing away just to score a few sexual brownie

points with your lady friend?

Come on, Hope. You're up first.

And yes, it is.

Married people, they're like a cult.

Hey, that's great, honey.

It is.

Now maybe next time she'll get it in her own lane.