Original subtitles

Hey! I was learning how to make a piano bench out of pure driftwood.

Okay, here's the thing. We don't have a piano, and we live four states from the

nearest ocean.

Let me guess.

There is an important program on involving some sort of ball resulting in

some sort of score?

Yeah, I recorded the Cavs game, and I avoided the water cooler all day so I

wouldn't find out how it ends.

I have a water cooler at your office. I put one in so people could talk about

the games.

Hey, you guys aren't going to believe this, but my star is about to rise from

the ashes, much like the legendary phoenix Paula Abdul.

Why? What happened?

My agent called.

That's right.

My name was on the lips of a man voted one of Hollywood's most abusive power

players.

Did he offer you a job?

It has been so nice having you here.

Leave now. We'll send you your things. He didn't call to offer me a job. He

called because I left him a message saying I had one day to live.

Of course, that was three days ago.

Once I convinced him that I wasn't dead, we got to talking about potential job

opportunities.

That's great, if highly unethical. The point is, he said he's willing to submit

me for auditions if I got updated headshots.

Apparently, the Michael Jackson T-shirt is now considered creepy.

Hey, congratulations.

That's a big step nowhere in your career.

Well, I think the fact that your agent wants new headshots is news worth

celebrating. Why don't I whip us up some hot cocoa? I'll even allow more than the

recommended serving size of mini marshmallows.

Hey, um, that sounds great, but instead of marshmallows, could I have ice? Oh,

and instead of cocoa, could I have scotch?

Where did my game go?

Why did this record inside the actor's studio with Orlando Bloom?

What if I get back into acting and I have to make a movie with him? I need to

know what his least favorite word is. Believe me, I learned that lesson the

hard way with Tom Sizemore. By the way, that word is no.

Okay, the only way you're gonna work with Orlando Bloom is if he volunteers

for Habitat for Humanity the same day you happen to pick up your new set of

keys. Charlie, you don't understand.

All it takes is the right headshot to get that one audition, the one that gets

me back in the game.

A year from now, I could be staging a marriage to a gay actor to help generate

buzz for his new movie.

Your agent is paying you lip service. Your acting days are over. Wake up!

Not only is the fat lady singing, but she's holding up a sign that says, pick

up the want ads or I will eat you.

You know, your name was on my list of little people to thank when I won my

next Emmy.

But I'm replacing you with the man at the market that hands out cheese.

He doesn't say mean things to me, and he gives me cheese.

Why'd you have to do that?

Didn't you hear her?

After four months of therapy, she's as deluded as ever.

I just... trying to give her a dose of reality.

You don't think she knows the odds are against her?

What you did was plain hurtful. You can't go around crushing people's

dreams. It's not people, it's faith.

Uh, I guess you're right.

Oh, no.

There will be no Coco for the hurtful today.

Coco is for the kind.

Can I come in?

If you could do that without being here.

Look, I'm sorry about what I said about your acting career. I was harsh, and I

feel bad.

Bad enough to pay for my new headshots?

No, but...

I'll adjust my place at the dinner table so you're not straddling the post.

First of all, I picked that spot on purpose.

Anyway, I don't need your help.

I'll get back to L.A. as soon as I find a photographer in Glen Falls that

doesn't specialize in kids, dogs, or gruesome farm accidents.

Well, if you're interested, I might be able to help you out with those

headshots.

What do you mean?

Well, when I was in college, I minored in photography.

I shot the 1982 Frat Hunks calendar.

I was most proud of Mr. May.

Anyway, for a while, I thought about becoming a professional photographer. I

mean, I still have all my old equipment in the basement.

How could I not know this about you?

Well, it's a combination of me not talking about it much and you being an

incredibly self-involved person.

Faith, chin up.

To the left.

Other left.

Try not to look so vacant.

It's like staring into an abandoned well.

All right, I need to reload.

Touch-ups, people!

Kind of fun, huh?

Yeah, all my friends are at the skateboard park today. Poor schmucks.

You know, Charlie, I've sat with some of the finest Hollywood photographers, and

you're surprisingly good, even though you're supposedly straight.

And Haley, who knew you were such the makeup artist?

Geeks are chicks, too, you know.

I think it's great that you're helping Faith.

Coco for the kind.

Guess what?

Aunt Faye says if all this works out and she goes back to L.A., then I can go

with her and be her assistant.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Not likely.

What about school?

Oh, yeah.

God, I've been doing that for years, and I think we can all agree that it's

just... it's not a good fit.

What are you doing?

I have to have a lot of different looks to sell myself.

What if I need to play someone really smart?

I assume they'll recast.

Win me.

Okay, show me joy.

Give me a little scared.

Nice.

Serious.

Heartache.

Seduction.

Any human emotion.

Come on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, come on.

Crazy. No, no, no, no. I can work with this.

Knock it off. It's going to look ridiculous.

Oh, come on. Look, we already have your head shots. Let me just... Let me just

try something a little... creative here.

Right here, babe.

Oh, nice.

Even if Faith doesn't get any work off of this, I'm still going to L.A.

I've got to get out of this nut house.

about Sidney ditching again.

I mean, shouldn't they be focusing on the kids who are in school?

Look, Faith, I know you're waiting for your agent to call, but you have got to

stop hogging the phone.

And hip-checking the people who live here.

If you're so anxious, why don't you just call him?

Because I'm scared, okay?

I've got a lot riding on this.

I mean, what if he doesn't like the photos?

What if he doesn't think I'm a hottie anymore?

What if you say something to make me feel better?

Right.

Look at you.

You're great.

Your hair shines.

Your skin glows.

Your legs still cause traffic accidents.

Especially when you're driving.

Those are all kind words, Hope, but please, continue.

You need to know what he thinks one way or the other.

So your life could go on.

And hopefully ours, too.

Call him.

Hello,

this is Faith Fairfield calling for Peter.

Sure, I'll hold.

Hey, you're never going to believe what I just found in my trunk. Shh, not now.

No, come on, it's a great Frozen rodent story.

Hello, Peter?

This is Faith. How are you?

Really?

Well, uh, good news deserves the speakerphone.

Go ahead, Peter. You, um, you had something really great to tell me?

Yeah, I was just saying, how amazing you look in these photos.

So, um, what's next?

You know, I could see myself on Desperate Housewives. I mean, for the

past two years, I've been living on Wisteria Lane.

I'll be it with less attractive neighbors.

Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

The shots are good, but you know the drill. If anything comes along, I'll be

all over it. So, you know, just hang by the phone.

Hang by the phone.

Right.

Hey, before I jump off, about those photos, who's the photographer?

That would be me. I'm the photographer, Charlie Schnowski.

I've looked at a lot of headshots over the years. These really stand out.

You've got a gift, my friend.

Oh, well, I just point and shoot. I don't make the magic happen. I just

invite it in.

Yeah. Listen, I got a bunch of clients who are looking for a fresh take on

their 8x10s. I'd love to hook you up with them if you ever decide to come out

to the left coast.

Hey, that's great. And if you're ever out here, I'd be...

I'd be happy to poke around in your mouth.

Uh, I'm an orthodontist.

Listen, I gotta take another call. Anyway, Faith, be good.

Poke around in your mouth?

I was nervous.

I mean, I don't know how to talk to Hollywood people.

Well, my agent certainly enjoyed talking to you.

I can't help it if you like my work. Oh, don't play dumb.

Your frou-frou pictures upstaged me. You know, I should have gone with the local

pet photographer.

At least he was offering a free meat snack and a collar with my name on it.

What you doing, loser?

Oh, Dad, sorry. I just saw the computer and I assumed that it was Haley.

I'm just looking into some airfares.

To L.A.? Mm-hmm.

Oh, Dad, please, please, please take me with you. We could make it a father

-daughter trip. But once we land, we never have to see each other again.

I'm not really going. I'm just playing around.

In case, you know, somewhere down the line, my photography maybe, I don't

know, takes me out there.

Mom, guess what?

Dad wants to take me to California.

I love you, Dad.

What's she talking about?

Nothing. I'm just goofing around on the Internet.

You're looking up flights to Los Angeles?

I'm just checking out some prices. Oh, I found an amazing deal.

Glen Falls to L.A. for 60 bucks.

The only downside is it stops in Chicago, Denver, and Seattle.

Oh, in Mexico City.

Oh, no.

You're not actually taking what that agent said seriously, are you? No, of

course not.

Good. Because that would just be silly. Yeah, I know.

I wouldn't call it silly.

Charlie, you're not going to drop your whole life as an orthodontist. I mean,

let's stay in the real world.

Hey, this was a legitimate talent agent.

He thinks that I'm really good at taking photos.

Yeah, well, I'm really good at twirling batons.

You think I should just go out there with you and see if I can become a Laker

girl?

I don't know.

Did someone from the Laker organization call you up and tell you you were really

good at it?

You're in your 40s.

You can't just start all over again and turn us into one of those struggling

artist families.

I don't want Justin Brait dancing on the streets for lunch money.

You know, when you started your catering business, I went along with it. I even

carved stupid whales out of watermelon. And FYI, there is a far greater demand

for photographs than animals carved out of fruit.

FYI, ever since that bash at the Glen Falls Aquarium, the demand for...

how insane Charlie is.

If you don't mind, I'd really rather not talk about him right now. I don't want

to talk about Charlie either.

You know what Charlie was doing down there?

Checking out airfares to Los Angeles. That's what your agent said.

I told him he was out of his mind. Now he's super P.O.ed on me.

Yeah, yeah, that's great.

Listen, any interest in preparation for the serious actor by Scott Baio?

No, thanks.

What are you doing?

I've come to a major decision.

I'm giving up on my acting career.

What? You can't do that. You love acting.

Not anymore.

And I don't need any reminders of my glory days hanging around.

Great. Springsteen's glory days.

Is this because of what your agent said?

I think he sounded very positive.

Trust me.

When an agent says hang by the phone, what he really means is, please don't

come after me with a gun when you realize what a lying snake I am.

And when he finishes up the phone call with be good, what he really means is,

again, it is illegal to shoot another person.

Okay, so you have a bad agent.

That's something you can fix.

Turns out Charlie was right after all. My acting career is over.

Okay. You're taking career advice from an orthodontist who suddenly thinks he's

a photographer?

Well, Charlie's lucky he has you to throw cold water on him. I wish somebody

had squashed my dreams early on so I wouldn't be in this mess now.

What? I wasn't trying to squash Charlie's dreams.

Is that what I was doing?

Is one of his dreams to be a photographer?

Well... Were you trying to convince him that he couldn't succeed?

Yeah. Do the math, dream squasher!

Look at this lovely scene. Two of my children doing their homework and one

who appears to be researching... piercings your parents can live with?

It is research.

I'm prepping for our trip to L.A.

I don't want to look like these hicks when I'm walking down Melrose.

I'll have you know, the math club voted me exponentially best dressed.

Wow. We're not going to L.A. We're all gonna just stay right here.

Gonna wake up, go to work, straighten teeth, come home, go to sleep, wake up,

do it all over again, and die.

Uh, hey.

Hey.

Can you help me get a box of clothes out of the garage rafters?

Fine.

That was weird.

I think they're having a serious fight.

And that's why I'm staying a bachelor.

Surprise.

I don't get it.

When I said I needed a bathroom in the garage, you said I was just being lazy.

It's not a bathroom.

It's a darkroom.

Why did you go to all this trouble?

I gave you grief for crushing Faith's dreams.

And I tried to stop you from having your own.

I'm so sorry.

Wow.

Usually when you apologize, I just get the steak and eggs without the

cholesterol speech.

Charlie, when we were dating, did you really want to be an orthodontist?

Or did I... pressure you into going into something safe and giving up on

photography. Oh, I loved photography.

I still do.

It doesn't mean that's what I wanted to do for a living.

Yeah, but you were online checking out flights to L.A.

So what?

I also checked out one-man submarines and I got myself on a waiting list for

Soviet space travel.

Okay, but if you really want to go to L.A., I support you.

I was just fantasizing. It's like when you're making dinner and you pretend

like you have your own cooking show and you explain all your ingredients for

your imaginary audience.

It's not like you're ever going to have your own cooking show on the Food

Network.

But you might.

Yeah, yeah, you might. In fact, I know, yeah, you will.

It's just that...

When we're old, the kids are off on their own, and it's just you and me

and... quite possibly Faith.

I don't want you to resent me for all the things you didn't get to do.

Honey, I love the way my life has turned out.

I have no regrets.

Hey, you guys.

Except one.

Hey, I like the new bathroom.

Here, Charlie. This is for you.

You're giving me money?

Honey, check your purse. I'll check Justin's piggy bank. Come on.

I didn't take it from them.

I decided to take a...

more realistic approach to my career.

So I took those crazy mulch pile pictures down to Randy's garden shop,

and they're gonna use one in their Sunday newspaper ad.

Wow, that's great.

You know, that's how, um, that's how Meryl Streep started.

At least that's what Randy said, and honesty's been his business since 1973.

So you're not giving up on acting?

What changed your mind?

Was this something I said?

No.

After you left my room, I started reading my Scott Baio book.

I got re-inspired.

That guy's no slouch. There's a reason Charles was in charge.