Original subtitles

Well, looks like the eagle has landed.

Dad should be along any minute with that rosy glow that only comes from slugging

scotch at 31,000 feet.

I should have worn a tie.

Or different socks.

Oh, man, or socks!

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Sell me your socks.

Will you relax?

Dad's gonna love you.

God, you're like a nervous little bowl of Latin pudding.

I know, I'm sorry. I just haven't met a girlfriend's father before.

And I've never really called anybody my girlfriend. I gotta pee.

Ouch.

That's five times since we left the house. Six. And tell Charlie I'll buy

him a new travel thermos.

He's so cute that he's so nervous.

Yeah. First time Charlie met Dad, he must have changed clothes 15 times

before settling on that misguided tank top.

Anyway.

Gooch and Dad have plenty of time to get to know each other this weekend.

Wait a minute. This weekend is not about you and the Gooch.

It's about Charlie's and my anniversary party.

With the particularly inspired theme, 20 years in paradise.

Yeah, do all your parties have to have themes?

I mean, I was shocked when you didn't concoct one for Mom's wake.

I toyed with Long Day's Journey Into Night, but I anticipated trouble with

the O'Neill estate.

Man, what a zoo in there.

There's this jerk hogging the stall, right? Combing his hair, spraying his

foo-foo cologne.

So I pound on the door, he gets in my face.

And I got in his.

And I would have thrown down with him if you hadn't gotten so much trouble to

iron the shirt.

Oh, look, there he is. Daddy, over here.

Hey, Dad.

Daddy,

I want you to meet my boyfriend.

Yes, we met.

In the men's room.

Do you want to throw down now, bad boy?

Charlie, help.

Gooch made a bad first impression at the airport. Do something. Oh, and don't use

your travel thermos.

Hey, Jack.

I'm sorry I couldn't be at the airport.

I was dispatched to the party store. Apparently you can't have an anniversary

party without 75 tiki torches.

Hey, you agreed that tiki torches were the perfect touch.

Well, just for the record, whenever you ask my opinion in bed, I tend to agree.

It's a pretty heavy suitcase, sir.

What do you got in there, a body?

Give me time.

Uh, uh, kids, your grandpa's here.

Come on down and do something cute. Or rude.

As long as it's a distraction.

Hey, grandpa, how are you?

Just relax.

Gooch and I will mix up some drinks.

I think we'll forget about the awkwardness at the airport if we're all

stinking drunk.

I've got some pictures of my African safari.

Cool.

Zebras, tigers, and the odd native breasts.

I'm just saying, it's important that we all get along this weekend.

Whatever it takes, try to get on Dad's good side.

Hey, did the cops shut down that Croatian strip bar?

I don't think so. I saw Svetlana the other day getting her back waxed.

And this was taken at sunrise at the summit of Mount Kilimanjaro.

Kilimanjaro.

The word that won me my third grade spelling bee.

Hey, here's a word for you.

Spinster.

Here's your drink, Daddy.

Gooch mixed it himself.

Yeah, I figured you're the kind of guy who appreciates a good, strong drink.

Are you saying I'm an alcoholic?

No, no, I'm just saying, you know, uh... Hey, do you like Croatian chicks?

All right.

Got your dad all set up in Justin's room.

It's a little cramped with all the inflatable trees, but I understand how

essential they are in conveying just how tremendously happy we are together.

Well, there are 20 more in the garage that need to be blown up, so why don't

you take all that hot air and put it to some use?

I just glanced at the seating chart for the party, and if you don't mind, I'd

rather not sit next to the pooch.

Uh, sure.

Did you hear that? That is exactly the kind of tension I do not want tomorrow

night. I agree.

Let's skip the party and fly somewhere romantic and wear each other out with

our middle-aged love.

Charlie, how can you think about sex when we're talking about our

anniversary?

I don't know. I'm just good at it.

Hey, check it out. Dad brought us back these tribal necklaces that stretch out

your neck.

You go first.

What are we going to do about Dad and the gooch? Will you lighten up? The

gooch can charm anyone.

By the end of the week, Dad will be sitting in his lap, eating gumdrops out

of his palm and lightly caressing his chest.

Well, that's usually what happens with me, but they'll probably just go

fishing.

We don't have until the end of the week. And I do not want our party ruined by

petty squabbling.

Charlie. Come on, you have to take those two out. Make them get along.

Oh, I don't get to blow up the palm trees? Okay, bye.

Hey, Jack, how about we go grab a drink down at Parnell's? And the Gooch can

join us.

Come on, someone's got to pick up the tab.

Yeah, I'll even spring for the greasy bar grub.

Fine, it'll give me a chance to test out my new cholesterol medication.

Ha ha, all right.

This is great.

Huh? Hey, who wants to arm wrestle?

Any takers?

I'll take you.

Ow!

Okay.

I wasn't really ready.

And the table's really wet.

But, Jack, you got winner.

Yeah, I'll pass.

But I will have another scotch on the pooch.

Let's just go. Come on.

This is a lost cause. No.

I've got a job to do. And there's no way I'm going back to inflatable palm tree

hell.

Hey, look at that.

They're replaying game six of the 75 series.

What a game.

Hey, Jack, did you know that the Gooch spent five years in the majors?

Was that true?

I love Faith, but she's a pathological liar.

Yeah, it's true.

He has the greatest inside stories. If this gooch could talk.

That's your cue, talk.

Oh, yeah, I played baseball.

Great story. Well told.

You ever play with McGuire? Yeah, I did.

He sent a rocket straight at me.

Stopped it with my head.

Kept the run from scoring.

Although now I can no longer taste ketchup.

You're not missing much. It's an overrated condiment.

Well, the Gooch does a lot of charity work. When he was playing ball in Japan,

he did a whole string of PSAs. Oh, yeah?

Well, I like a man that gives back to the community.

Well, hey, I was happy to do it.

Check it out.

Hi, I'm Gary the Gooch Cuchares.

Do you like sushi?

Of course you do. You're Japanese.

So please support the Osaka Seaweed Farmers Union, and not just because I

said ah-so.

The ah-so was mine.

And apparently it was hugely offensive.

You're all right.

Yeah? And that's not just the free scotch talking.

Hey, barkeep.

Hit me again. Yeah, hey, what the hell? I'll have one too.

Hey, you know what? Make it three. Yeah, put your girly hand down. I'm not trying

to impress you.

I hear the clickety-clack of little keys.

Is that the toast for my anniversary party? It's a little rough, but I think

it's coming along.

When my sister told me she was going to marry Charlie...

I thought she was making the biggest mistake of her life.

20 years later, she's still making it.

Hey, what about all the bullet points I gave you?

Well, I'm sorry, but nobody wants to hear about how many roses he gave you

after your first date.

We need a hook.

When did you first put out?

Actually, I had a 12-date rule before giving up my precious gift.

At that point, isn't it more of a... gag gift?

Well, I said, hey, I don't mind women in the locker room, but I draw the line if

she has a thicker beard than I do.

Wait a minute. I think I dated her. Oh!

No, he didn't.

Wow. Looks like boys' night out was a big success.

I don't know how to thank you.

After all these years, you really don't know how to thank me?

Well, I'm out. I'll see you all tomorrow at the party.

Jack?

Gooch. Hey, thanks for not calling me the pooch. Well, I was a chubby kid, and

the other kids would call me that while pelting me with meatballs.

Which I would then eat.

I'm so glad you guys hit it off. No, he's a great guy. And you know what? He

gave me the imaginary gun wink.

That definitely trumps the imaginary throat slash.

Turning in, Daddy?

Hope tried to recruit me to string marshmallow lays.

I love her dearly, but I'd rather eat my own foot.

What's that for?

For patching things up with the Gooch.

He really is a nice guy, isn't he?

He's a bum.

Lose him.

Lose him?

I thought you guys got along.

Faith.

I've known characters like him all my life. They're great to sink a drink

with, but you can't take them seriously.

He calls himself the Gooch.

A real man doesn't need a nickname.

Oh, yeah?

Then why does Uncle Henry call you Silverstreak?

Because Uncle Henry is a moron.

He ate wallpaper as a child.

You don't even know the Gooch.

He was so anxious to meet you, he peed six times.

There's a stirring endorsement.

Come on. His baseball career is over. He doesn't have any plans for the future.

He doesn't even wear a watch, which means that he has nowhere to be.

He doesn't wear a watch because he has won 16th Apache.

And he refuses to be a slave to the white man's time.

Faith, you're struggling to find your own path.

You're not going to do that alongside a failed...

baseball playing part Indian with a weak bladder.

You understand, we have fun together.

We go to the movies and throw popcorn at all the ugly people, which in this town

means we have to get the extra large tub.

And even with all this fun, your marriage to him lasted only five days.

Well, one of those days was when we set the clocks back, so technically it was

longer than that.

What's changed since then?

Yeah, I thought so.

Good night, darling.

When I imagined our 20th anniversary, I pictured us holed up in some exotic

hideaway sipping champagne out of each other's belly buttons.

Charlie, we can do that at the party.

With clean glasses.

Yeah, that's just as good.

I can't believe it.

Daddy doesn't approve of the gooch.

What? I thought they were getting along.

What did you do?

Nothing. I did exactly what you wanted me to do.

We don't poke back, Charlie.

I thought that Dad would love the gooch once he got to know him, but now that he

doesn't, I...

It really bothers me.

Oh, honey, that's terrible.

But look, if it makes you feel any better, when Dad first met Charlie, he

didn't like him at all.

What?

But it all worked out.

One minute he's saying, over my cold, dead body, and the next thing you know,

he's coming to our 20th anniversary.

I can't believe I suffered through that damn 12-date rule and Jack didn't even

like me.

I could have been playing the field those three months. Oh, there was this

hot little brunette who worked at the sub shop.

She really wanted her some Charlie.

Hey, still no gooch?

Late, as usual. This is not going to help with Dad's opinion of him.

Maybe I can put a baseball cap on one of the busboys and fake it until he gets

here.

Aloha, mister.

You think our friends are enjoying the party?

Friends? I don't even know who half these people are.

You sure know how to tie on a feed bag.

Is that guy putting shrimp in his pocket?

Hope, I memorized the speech you gave me, although I'm not sure why you want

me to call you the Porkfest couple.

Daddy, that says perfect couple.

Porkfest is funnier.

Oh, hey.

Sorry I'm late. I was out trying to find a gift for Hope and Charlie, and I lost

track of time.

Oh, well, what did you get then? Oh, I got them this nice pen set, and it's in

the tropical theme.

See, look.

She's wearing a bikini.

And now she's not.

Gooch, what is Hope gonna say?

Got it covered.

Speedo on.

Speedo on.

like this. This is an elegant party with marshmallow lays.

Excuse me. Can I borrow your watch for a sec?

Look, I saw you put the shrimp in your pocket.

Here. Put this on. Just do it.

Hurry. What are you doing?

You come here with a couple of nudie pens and you ask me what I'm doing?

Hey, Dad.

Dad, look who's here.

Hey,

Gooch.

Actually, he goes by Gary now. And the reason he's late is because he was out

buying this watch so he can be on time for all of his job interviews.

Really?

What have you got lined up?

Oh, a little of this, a little of that.

There's a local university who's looking for a new chancellor.

And, you know, we're looking into what that is.

Good luck.

Gary. Thank you. Hey, you want to see a cool pen?

What the hell's going on?

Nothing.

I just wanted my dad to see you and have a better light. That's all.

That's what this is about? Your dad doesn't like me? No, no, no. He likes

you. He likes you.

He just doesn't like you for me.

What? Well, did you set him straight?

I did.

I told him how good we are together. You know, how we like to throw popcorn at

ugly people.

And how you kept paying for him. Wow, you really put me up there on a

pedestal.

Did you seal the deal by telling him how I spent three years in seventh grade?

Look, I was on the spot. I just couldn't understand why he didn't like you as

much as I do. And you like me so much, you're going to try to change me. No.

Gooch, please don't leave.

Look, just answer me this.

Three years in seventh grade? How is that even possible?

Now, Coach, come on. You can't walk out.

Look, you checked off fish. If there's an extra salmon at this party, Hope's

going to go all Tony Soprano-ous.

Come on, Faith. It's time for your toast.

Actually, Hope, now's not a really good time. But everybody's getting restless.

Justin did a magic trick that backfired, and now someone, we don't know who, has

an ace of spades in their soup.

From the beginning, it was obvious this beautiful couple was a love for the

ages.

The moment she laid eyes on him, she knew she had to have him. And not just

because he had a butt that commanded respect.

What's she doing?

She's giving props to my butt.

She obviously recognizes the sculpting effect from my water polo days.

It was tough going at first.

He had a fiery temperament and a string of hot tub bimbos.

Always the diva.

She threw a tantrum whenever he rejected her hand-fisted come-ons.

Not exactly the storybook romance we've been fed all these years, huh?

But eventually they got together.

Yowza did they get together.

But it wasn't just the passion.

It was the simple things.

Like the first time he brought her breakfast in bed.

I should do that again.

She's not talking about us, genius.

But she knew that he was hers when he insisted on going to the airport

to pick up her father.

And so what if he doesn't have a watch or have a clear path in life?

Neither does she.

But she knows that...

They can find one together.

That's beautiful, Faith.

Isn't anyone going to talk about us?

I'd like to propose a toast to the happy couple.

Finally.

Faith and Gooch.

You have my blessing.

Honey,

I know it wasn't the speech you wanted, but all that matters is I'm standing

next to you and there's no one I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Oh, Charlie, that's so sweet.

Well, I... Now his wife is putting shrimp in her purse.

Who are these people?

Hope, I'm really sorry.

I just couldn't let him get away.

You want me to go back up there and do the speech that you wrote?

That's okay.

I made copies and put them in everyone's goodie bags.

Hey, everyone.

Let's raise our glasses to Hope and Charlie.

20 years in a committed and loving relationship. We should all be so lucky.

It all started with a sorority girl and her tightly wrapped precious gift.