Original subtitles

Come on, Grandpa.

Poor man.

He's trying, but he's so slow.

Let's just go somewhere else. No!

Dr. Lombard said I should reward myself after each therapy session and then do

something proactive to control my own destiny. Hence, a slushie and a lotto

ticket.

Hey, do you have a dollar for the lotto ticket? Oh, and a quarter to scratch it

off?

Good plan.

You should be rich and well-adjusted by the end of the week.

Can't you do anything right?

There are customers waiting. Go get a mop.

Oh, uh, that's okay. We're in no hurry.

Oprah's in reruns.

Uh, today would be nice, loser.

Excuse me, but that loser is a senior citizen.

That loser is a human being. That loser is...

Handsome Hal?

Uh, great.

Faith Fairfield and a chemically balanced sister, Hope.

We didn't know you were working here.

What, this? No, no. I'm just pinch-hitting for an old Air Force

buddy. Keep dreaming.

He's here because he lost his car dealership, his son's in jail, and his

wife kicked him out on the street.

Just our luck there was no traffic that day.

Sweet kid, huh?

I'd hate it if you got a crippling disease.

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear all this. Me too.

I'm just heart sick. Now, give us the deets and don't skimp on the most

humiliating ones.

I like to fix up my pre-owned cars before I let them off the lot.

And did that include an occasional odometer?

Off the record, yes.

I thought 19,000 was a little low for your 76 Pacer.

So how'd they catch you? Were you led away in cuffs? What was your prison

nickname? Old Yeller?

Excuse me, I have to go replace the urinal cakes now.

What is wrong with you?

You'd think therapy would have taught you a little something about empathy.

Hey, I... I only go once a week, and usually we talk about me.

Maybe in 20 years, we'll talk about people who screwed me over and got what

they deserve.

Oh, he made a little fun of you in those used car commercials you did together.

So what?

How would you have felt if people had gloated when your career fell apart?

Plenty of people gloated. Sharon Stone threw a gloating party that made InStyle

magazine.

There's always a choice in life, Faith.

The high road is open.

If you're going to take it. Mm-hmm. I hear what you're saying. Just give me a

minute to fill out a few customer complaint cards on that loser.

All right.

Votes are in.

One for Elephant.

Gus Van Sant's harrowing look at the banality and senselessness of violence

in American high school.

And four,

Dumb and Dumber.

I'm afraid, Kelly.

Can we never watch a difficult film in this house?

Hey, we're a family of boobs. Deal with it.

I have popcorn, everybody.

Number of unpopped kernels?

Four. A personal best.

Where's that Faith? I mean, it's not really gonna feel like movie night

without her here cursing the director for not casting her in the lead. Yeah,

or going, he's gay, he's gay, he's...

It may not be coming. After I let her have it at the convenience store, she

didn't say a word all the way home.

Maybe you got through to Aunt Faith and she's feeling remorseful.

Can't believe Handsome Howell lost his car dealership. I bought my first car

from him.

It's the car I lost my... My tennis racket.

Yeah,

let's start the movie.

Listen, I've been thinking a lot about what you said, and you were right.

I was wrong to have gloated over Handsome House Fall.

I'm glad you see that now.

Because of you, I made things right with Hal.

So you went down to apologize to him? Yeah. But even I didn't know how bad off

the poor guy was.

He was actually sleeping on a cot in the back of the store.

The slushie mix was his pillow.

Sounds pretty sweet to me.

You would think.

But when I saw it... It was sad.

And I empathied.

I empathided.

Empathirized.

Empathized.

Hey, sweetie, show-offs don't get asked to the prom.

Anyway, I told Handsome Hal he didn't need to be taking orders from some

pimply-faced kid.

Told him he should stand up for himself, take control of his life.

Oh, criminy.

You didn't make him lose his job, did you? No.

I advised him to quit. He was going to lose that job anyway, especially after

my scathing customer complaint card.

So what's he going to do now? Where is he going to live?

Faith.

Faith Newslash. It's freaking cold out there.

Anybody want to grab my perishables?

You can't just decide to take in a border.

Why not?

I don't recall any border clause in my lease.

What lease?

You were drunk at Christmas time. You scribbled on a cocktail napkin. I will

try to pay rent to Hope and Carl.

I thought you liked handsome Hal.

You know what, Carl?

You're a big phony.

I think it's admirable that you've shown such concern for what's happened to Hal,

but... Don't you think bringing him home is going a bit too far?

Oh, sure.

I see what empathy means in this house.

Doing good when it's convenient.

Taking the high road when there's no traffic.

But when a man in need shows up at your door, you tell him there's no room at

the end and send him off to the manger.

He's a used car salesman, not the Christ child.

So this is the last of them. Yeah, that's it.

Would there be anything else then?

Have a nice day, ma'am.

Well, I guess the least I could do is make up his cot and give him some fresh

towels.

You're actually going to go along with this? Look, I don't love this situation

either, but I did make a rather impassioned case for empathy.

I don't know who wife number two is going to be, but I'll tell you one

thing.

She's going to be an only child.

He is your responsibility. I'm not going to be the one who cooks for him and

cleans up after him and takes him out. If you don't take care of him, he has to

go. You mean I can keep him?

You're the best sister ever!

Wow.

I was going to tell you to make yourself at home, but I can see you're way ahead

of me.

This place is great.

Reminds me of the time I was invited to Liberace's summer house.

And by the way, he never touched me.

I see you moved my table. What's that supposed to be? Feng shui?

If that's Chinese for clear path to the can, that's it.

not throw your clothes all over the place?

I mean, really, how's Hope supposed to do the laundry if it's lying all over

the floor?

Hold on, I think I can get another day out of these puppies.

Oh, yeah, they got a heartbeat.

They're good.

Are you insane?

How do you think I stay so youthful?

Half a stokey a night?

Peach schnapps in the morning and I'm dynamite.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. That's my lifeline.

Nobody's smoked a cigar in my bedroom since I broke up with Letterman.

Look, it's been a long day.

Let's just go to sleep.

You're probably very tired and I'm working on a plausible alibi.

Will I be keeping you up if I read?

Yes.

Well, use an eye pillow.

Mr. Grisham has written the page turner. Will you please, please go to sleep? I

am in no mood for this.

Ooh, somebody's got the visitor.

Look, I took you in because deep down I think we're a lot alike.

We both had big dreams.

And we both took big falls. But if this situation is going to work out, we're

going to have to set up some ground rules. Do you understand what I'm

saying? Wait a minute. Listen, doll. I appreciate everything you've done for

me. But I'm just not interested in you in that way.

Seriously?

That's what you got from that?

Don't take it personally.

I just never got the blonde thing.

But if you were Jennifer Connelly, they'd have to pry me off with a

crowbar.

Trust me.

If you and Jennifer Connelly were in the same room, something tells me the

crowbar's headed in your direction.

Good night.

You want to play that game?

I'm thinking of something in the room.

I'm thinking of something in the room that's green and pink and yellow.

Good night.

Is it the picture frame on the bureau?

Hey, you're good.

Well, I mean, come on. That was the stupidest, easiest, most obvious thing.

You know, I had five more things to pick, but you sucked the fun out of

everything.

Good night, Buzzkill.

Morning. Morning.

Not used to seeing you up so early.

Can't say I like it.

Are those the want ads?

You know, I know a certain convenience store that's looking for a new slushy

girl.

It's not for me, it's for Hal.

He can't sit on his ass up in that room forever.

I'm not running a charity.

What happened to all that empathy?

Well, you learn a lot about a person after you live with them for eight

hours. I mean, have you ever met somebody that just makes your skin

crawl?

Maybe once or twice.

Man, now Hal can snore. I saw a helicopter landed on the roof.

Well, I think Aunt Faith's kindness is inspiring.

It's those little acts of love that can really make a difference on this planet.

Yeah, that's how they duped me into being in that We Are the World video.

I have yet to see dime one from that thing.

Okay, anybody wants a ride to school, let's move it. I have to pick up my

homework on the way.

Hey, Aunt Faith.

Where's your bum?

Sidney, be nice.

Hal is an unwanted guest here. We need to make him feel at home.

Of course, it is a double standard if Aunt Faith can have a person living in

her room and I can't have a cute little low-maintenance boa constrictor.

Yeah, because you're not weird enough.

Keeping a ginormous snake under your bed is really going to help with that move

to the cool table.

Here's something.

Custodial maintenance worker.

No experience necessary.

Must own hazmat suit.

Okay.

Let's change that to windbreaker.

Hey, morning, campers.

How fresh is that coffee?

I think it's pretty fresh.

You know, I can't hint any louder than that, Chaz.

Come on, hit me.

Spot of cream?

Couple of sugars?

I'd never say no to a Danish.

What do we have here?

Wanted. Oh, I'm three steps ahead of you, doll.

I was upstairs watching TV, doing my morning Pilates, and guess what?

Bart and Gloria are stepping down.

Bart and Gloria from Wake Up Glynn Falls?

Uh-huh. They're an institution.

Their calm and savvy got us through the whole Y2K scare.

They're moving on to a bigger market, leaving a couple of swell job opens.

You're right.

Like you're going to take over for Bart and Gloria.

No, no, not me. Us, you and me.

We're magic together.

You think anybody wants to watch you two Rhodes Scholars chatting it up on TV

every morning?

You're deluded.

You know, Chaz, I like you.

But you're wrong.

And you make coffee like a girl.

Hey, you know where else they have great coffee?

At the shelter.

Listen, Toots, we gotta do this. I call the station manager. We have an audition

in an hour.

Look, Hal, no offense, but the last time you and Faith worked together, it didn't

turn out so well.

So I think she'd feel more comfortable if you just found someone else.

I could wear that magenta dress that brings out my eyes.

And, well, my breasts.

We're cooking with gas now!

First dibs on the shower!

People who subscribe to my webcam are in for an unpleasant surprise.

Okay, now, this is just an audition tape, so relax, be yourselves, and

remember, it's all about chemistry.

Chemistry we got, don't you worry. Isn't that right, Toots?

What is your name?

Okay, when we're ready to start, you just do your thing, and we'll roll

camera, and we'll see what happens.

So, do you need anything?

One coffee, two sugars.

a couple of contracts, and six figures.

Good luck.

I don't know how I'm expected to have so much chemistry with someone I'm so dying

to strangle.

You know, you don't have to go through with this.

Remember when I didn't feel comfortable doing the bathing suit competition for

the Teen Miss Glen Falls?

I backed out, and I'm none the worse for it.

Yeah, but your birthmark probably would have kept you out of the medal round

anyway.

Okay, well, break a leg.

Here's your coffee. Oh, thank you.

Boy, you know, I sure couldn't do this without you. We really are a great team.

Let's go get them, okay? Okay. Ready, Ed?

Now from Glen Falls, birthplace of the turkey burger.

It's Wake Up with Hal and Faith.

Hi, everybody. How you doing this morning? Nice to see you. Good morning.

Yeah. Tell us about this hockey team. We've got 10-0 right now.

Undefeated. 10-0. And despite the whole steroid scandal, those girls are looking

strong.

And pretty, too.

And we're having the warm winter here in Ohio. It really is nice. Has it been

warm? It's been very warm. I love it a lot. I would rather have this than

anything else. No kidding. I don't blame you. It gives you a chance to break out

that summer wardrobe all year round. Oh, and it didn't take you long, did it?

No, it didn't. Pretty nice.

And what about this rare penguin mating over at the zoo?

Is that what they're doing over there? Yes.

I've never seen penguins do that.

Now... Is it the penguins mating with each other, or is it the zookeepers

mating with the penguins?

Because I just think that's wrong.

No, I think the penguins are taking care of each other.

Now let's move on to this new phenomena in town. There's a guy with a very long

toe, right? A long toe? A long toenail, I mean. Long toenail? Yes.

Longer than yours?

Because I know...

I happen to have seen your naked foot, and I know you buy your shoes a whole

size bigger to accommodate those toenails. Oh, boy.

She knows me like a book. Well, anyway, we're glad to be here, and now we're

going to take a break. We'll come right back in just a moment. Don't go away.

Okay, cut.

Hey, guys, that was great stuff.

Hal, give a sec.

That's it?

I wasn't even warmed up yet. I never plugged my CD.

him the business see i told you that multivitamin would make you sharper i

know we just clicked oh wow it felt so great being out there under the lights

everybody hanging on my every word sure

is kind of a letdown now cameras are gone it's just me standing

here talking to you once again this is your moment so i'll let that go

how I've got to ask you a tough question.

I'm open to nudity, as long as it's tasteful.

Listen, how committed are you to that girl?

What? You don't like Faith?

Well, we just don't think that she has male appeal.

We loved you, Hal, but not with her.

Who are we talking about?

I've forgotten her name.

Plus, we've got somebody that we think you're going to be great with.

Bring her out?

But just let me tell Faith.

Okay? Thanks.

Faith, I've got some tough news.

They decided to go another way.

What?

That bites.

I mean, sure, you weren't at the top of your game out there, but I would have

brought you along.

No, no, no, no, no. They loved me.

You're out.

a team, and I can't do this without you. Faith, Faith, I went to the mat with

them. I struggled. I fought them like a banshee.

They won't budge.

Well, you're dreaming if you think you're going to find somebody with a

fraction of my charisma.

Hey, Hal, say hello to Joy, your new co-host.

How cute is this guy?

It's great to get out there and mix it up with you, mister.

Likewise, beautiful.

Look at the stems on her.

You know, I don't see the two of them together at all.

Baby, I want to thank you for everything you've done for me. And if you ever need

tickets for a taping, send me a self-addressed stamped envelope.

You're in!

Irving Berlin was crazy.

I can't think of a single thing about show business that's appealing.

You know, it's funny.

Before therapy, I would have been boiling mad right now.

Really?

So you're okay with all this? Well, no.

Don't get me wrong, I still want to snap his sleazy little neck.

But part of me thinks, you know, good for him.

He didn't sit around waiting for luck to happen. He saw the brass ring, and he

went for it.

I gotta get up off of my butt, too. Take control of my own life.

Wow.

Talk about growth.

It is, isn't it?

I am growing.

Now let's go.

My sexual harassment suit against Hal isn't gonna file itself.