Original subtitles

Oh, poo.

It's already full.

I hate getting stuck in the back, behind those young girls with their showy

underwear.

It's inappropriate.

Well, we wouldn't be so late if you didn't insist on stopping at every red

light. Oh, and by the way, we could have passed that ambulance if you had just

given it a little gas.

You know how important my workouts are?

Unburied geyser.

Slim pickings in this town, and the married guys give off that I'm taken

vibe.

Ah, you bellyache about your dating situation, but I don't see you doing

anything about it.

Like Kylie over there, for example.

He's good looking.

He's available.

He has well-groomed feet.

So you won't have to pumice his calluses.

Don't tell Charlie I told you that.

The attention Kylie gives you, it's definitely outside the bounds of the

yogi-student relationship.

Well, he is cute, but his taste in music is a little dopey. Unless he wears that

Enya t-shirt, ironically.

Hi, Faith.

Oh. Hey.

Oh, wow.

You feel rock solid.

You've been doing your homework.

Well, I did roll out the mat the other day, but that was just so I could lay

down in the shower.

Well, whatever you're doing is working.

Hmm.

Looks like someone's the teacher's pet.

Why? Because he rubbed up against me?

Even people who don't like me rub up against me.

All right, class, let's begin with Downward Facing Dog.

And step up into Warrior Two.

Gooch, when did you get back to town?

You're supposed to be playing baseball in Japan.

Yeah, I'm not there anymore.

I'm here.

I was there, but not now.

Yeah, that story's probably a little bit more complicated than it needs to be.

Why haven't you called me?

Well...

When I was in Japan, I adopted the Zen way of life.

So I gave up all things electronic and my cell phone.

The hardest thing was saying goodbye to my blow dryer.

Luckily, my hair has natural bounce and sheen.

Speaking of natural bounce, you're looking pretty good in those tights.

What do you say we get together after class and try out a new pose?

It's called serious lovin'. Sorry, Faith, but I can't. Now, if you'll

excuse me, I have to go back to looking inward.

Looking inward?

Zen this.

We now go down to sprawling Latino.

Can

you believe

he didn't call me?

Well, you said he gave away his cell phone.

Yeah, but I'm his ex-wife. I gave that man the best five days of my life.

Half of that cell phone is mine.

Come on. He's the gooch. He has the emotional maturity of a 35-year-old man

who calls himself the gooch.

I think your residual attachment to the gooch might be what's holding you back

from more available bows.

Perhaps that's a bow come a-courting now.

Hello, Hope.

You're looking balanced and full of spirit.

Oh, why, thank you.

I credit my moonwalker insoles.

They really are out of this world.

Come on in.

Oh, wait. Can you wipe your feet?

Your shoes are a little wet. Oh, sorry. I also gave up my car.

The cops won't let pedestrians on the highway, so I had to walk along the

reservoir.

So, Gooch, I assume that you came to apologize and present me with a lavish

yet vulgar gift?

Do you mind calling me by my given name, Gary?

It's just more zen.

Sure. Do you mind calling me Queen Latifah?

It's just more cool.

I'm sorry, Faith. I know you're upset, but I'm just not spiritually available

to you right now.

Although I do have a gift.

It's called the vine of harmony.

If these stocks grow together, then you and I were meant to be.

So in your head, our relationship is determined by something I would avoid

while hiking?

I made that pot.

Yeah, with all this extra focus and self-discipline, I taught myself to

decoupage.

Those are Japanese takeout menus.

Booch! Oh, you're back!

Oh, man, am I glad to see you.

Hey, Charlie.

Hey, little man.

Oh, boy, it's good to have some testosterone around here again.

I mean, uh, well, Justin tries, but God bless him, he's just a boy.

Hey, I'm not the one who cries during those credit card commercials.

Yeah, I was only crying when I realized how much your mother was spending.

So, you, uh, want to catch a game?

Actually, no.

The, uh, Zen philosophy rejects competition.

And that's why I have retired from baseball.

Oh, you.

That crazy Latin sense of humor. It's loco!

What? Why would you retire from a sport where you spend half the time sitting

down?

Well, I, for one, think this new venture will be a refreshing change of pace for

you. It's like when I discovered books on tape.

You know, I still can't read the New Testament without hearing Mickey

Rourke's voice.

What are you going to do if you're not playing ball?

I mean, what about me?

I'm an orthodontist, man. You are my one cool friend.

Well, I was hoping to find a job in town. I already filled out an

application at the candle shop.

Oh, that place seems like a real pressure cooker.

Would you like me to make some calls for you? I'm part of some very influential

phone trees.

That'd be nice. Thank you.

Well, I should go.

Let me leave you with this one thought. Life is a window, and if you don't put

up curtains, the sun will fade your rug.

What the hell does that mean?

Exactly.

A new gooch.

A bit unhinged, but interesting.

Oh, come on, you're not buying into this Zen crap.

He's never been able to commit to anything.

I've seen him walk away in the middle of a haircut.

Come on, don't you see what's going on here?

He's just trying to let you down easy, and believe me, I have a lot of

experience with this. I once faked amnesia to dump a girl.

Hey, everybody wanted a piece of this in sixth grade.

You couldn't be more wrong about the gooch.

You don't dump this.

You stuff it and hang it over your fireplace so your friends can admire

your accomplishment.

Trust me. Once I set the gooch down with a couple beers in his own habitat, he'll

come clean. And if that doesn't work, we'll shoot you, stuff you, and we'll

mount you somewhere.

And so the turtle returned to the monastery garden.

Older and wiser.

Gooch, tell me the truth.

All this Zen stuff, it's just to get rid of faith, right?

No, I've been contemplating life.

A wise man once said, when all the world's asleep, the questions run too

deep for such a simple man.

Isn't that super tramp?

Oh, thanks. I ordered for you while you were in the head. No, no, no, thank you.

I don't drink anymore. Can I just get some hot water, please?

Uh, yeah.

I don't know if we make that here, but I'll see.

Wow. That's a... That's a cute tea set.

Why don't you just put that back in your pouch before those guys with the numbers

shaved into their heads get envious?

Look, I know this must all seem crazy to you, but this new lifestyle, it's really

working for me.

Yeah, well, it's not working for me!

Come on.

Check out the waitresses. They have never been hotter.

Well, except Terry. She's still a holdover from when the place was a

pancake house.

Here's your water.

Hey, could you put your shoes on?

Well, how am I supposed to root my spirit into the earth if my feet can't

touch it?

Yeah, well, it's a health code violation, and we're still trying to

overcome that whole finger in the French fry thing.

I gotta get out of here.

Come on, we're having so much fun. No, this atmosphere is toxic.

I thought we were going to go to the strip club. The good one, where the

girls have all their own teeth.

They have all their own teeth.

You know, seeing that Gooch's handiwork has made me realize how much I love

doing decoupage.

And it's a great way to use my expired coupons.

Oh, this one's still good.

Aunt Faith, I picked you up this book on Zen to help you better understand the

gooch. Sorry, they didn't make a pop-up book.

Zen for dummies.

Interesting. You know, I owe my Emmy to acting for dummies.

What is with all this pressure on the dummy community to improve themselves?

Why can't we just be?

Actually, there's a great explanation for that in Dummies for Dummies.

How'd it go with the gooch? If I had to listen to one more story about the old

man and the fish or the owl and the goat or the floating head, it was his own

master. I was going to punch someone.

It's funny how stories about peace make me so violent.

So you were wrong.

The Gooch isn't blowing me off.

He's crazy.

And crazy I can work with.

If I can survive a three-day cruise with Crispin Glover, I can handle this.

What do you plan to do?

I'm going to use my feminine wiles. I don't care how zen a guy is.

If you're dancing in your panties on his night table, he'll bark like a dog.

This is just wrong.

You need to move on with your life.

And you, you need to get some friends.

Try going to... to the park with a frisbee. See what happens.

Your door's open.

Were you expecting someone?

No. It's just that a closed door is a sign of a closed mind.

And I was listening for when they refill the vending machines.

Check it out.

Your vines have intertwined.

They're telling us we should be together.

No, no, no. They're weeping. Tears of glue and...

Twist ties.

Well, you know, with all the candles in here, it sure is hot.

There, that's better.

What are you doing?

Come on.

Sit down.

Talk to me.

No, I'm okay standing.

I like standing, too.

It's funny how much we've always had in common.

Like our mutual dislike for shredded coconut.

And how much we love animal calendars where the animals are in costume.

Oh, yeah.

It's just not June without that hippo in a sun bonnet. Yeah.

You know what else we like?

What?

Kissing. Oh.

Tantric? No, it's my strength mantra.

Oh, yeah?

Well, here's mine.

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, time to lose the pants and go.

Stop, I can't. Why?

Because I'm celibate.

You're what?

It's true, I've taken a vow of celibacy.

Well, vows are made to be broken.

Just like this box spring.

Stop!

Now, I know I might sound weird to you, but celibacy is an important part of my

new lifestyle.

So if you can't respect that, you should just leave.

Fine!

So?

How you holding up?

I'm sad.

I miss Gooch.

And the screw-top wine you buy is marginal.

You want me to make you a nice sandwich?

No. It'll just remind me of the Gooch. He loved your dry sandwiches.

They're not dry.

Mayonnaise is white like snow.

And the Gooch love Christmas.

Everything reminds me of the Gooch.

Even this table.

Well, you...

Probably shouldn't know about that.

Whatever the gooch is going through, he obviously wants to go through it alone.

I know.

I'll fake a pregnancy.

Won't he know he hasn't slept with you? Please.

He's taken so many grounders to the head, he's lost days at a time.

You cannot force someone to have feelings for you they may not have

anymore.

I don't understand.

When I saw him in that yoga class, I thought we would just pick up right

where we left off.

We always had something together.

How could he not want me anymore?

People change.

They move on.

It stinks and it's unfair, but it happens.

And until you let him go, you'll never know what else is out there.

Yeah.

Maybe you're right.

You know, until I stopped using hair extensions, I never discovered the

beauty of my real hair.

There you go.

Hi, Faith.

I'll move to the back of the class.

Oh, you don't have to do that, Gary.

Gary.

I'm accepting you for who you are, and I'm moving on.

And don't worry.

I'll donate to you at the airport if I ever see you jangling around with all

your pals.

Okay, class, let's begin with Uttanasana.

Engage your abdomen.

Step into downward-facing dog.

And then let's all inhale into up dog.

Am I doing this right?

Not exactly.

Feel that?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Is that really necessary?

She needs to learn the proper alignment. Otherwise, she could hurt her spine and

never walk again.

It would cost me a fortune to put a ramp in here.

And from downward-facing dog, let's all step up into half-moon pose.

All right, that's enough.

It's enough when I say namaste.

Well, then you better say namaste then, pal.

I don't better do anything, dude.

Ow!

Hey, what's going on back there?

Oh!

I also teach Tai Bo. Oh, yeah?

Well, I was voted dirtiest player in the National League.

Oh, look, it's Enya.

She got my letters?

the best $7 I ever spent.

Okay, I get it. The guy was a jerk, but what happened to your inner peace back

there? I don't know. I guess it just kind of went out the window when that

new-age bendy freak touched your booty.

You know, I don't know a whole lot about your new philosophy, but don't you lose,

like, Buddha points for slapping a yogi?

Come on, what's really going on with you?

Okay, look.

The real reason I left Japan is... Well, I got fired.

Oh, my God. What happened?

I don't know. I couldn't perform.

Baseball's a whole different game over there. I was distracted by this Japanese

techno music that kept on piping into the stands. And they had this weird

anime mascot that freaked me out.

So, what, all the Zen stuff was just a load of bull?

No. I mean, I was into it in the beginning, but... Once I saw you, I...

I decided to hide behind it, you know?

Because I got kicked out of baseball.

I can't believe you wouldn't just come out and tell me.

I mean, if there's any person that would understand what it's like to have a

failed career, it's me.

Man, failure sucks.

I mean...

How'd you deal when you turned into a total loser?

Well... After those first few months that I really can't account for,

I, um, I got by with some therapy and a devoted family.

But for now, I guess you could start with me.

Yeah, I'd like that.

What are you guys doing here? Please tell me nothing on the table.

Well,

I'm glad you're here, because I've got some news.

Since you're so enamored of those animal stories, I've put in a good word for you

at the pet store. And guess what?

You're the new part-time bird and cat guy.

Oh, cool.

What are the hours?

Eleven to three.

Whoa.

Whoa.

I mean, I don't want to kill myself here.

I want to spend some time with my lady.

Wait, so you and Faith are back together?

Yeah, didn't you just hear him call me his lady?

Hey, that's great.

Although, I already went to the park and found a new friend.

Actually, he's more of a cop.

Told me to stop hanging around the park.

So, uh, want to go grab a few beers?

Yeah, hey, that'd be great, but, uh, right now I... I need some alone time

with Faith.

If you know what I mean.

Oh.

Okay.

No, hey, it's okay.

I've been celibate for a while.

I'll be back here in ten minutes.