Original subtitles

Oh, and Justin left a chocolate bar in his pocket, so you might have some

explaining to do when you wear your golf costume.

Honey, please don't call it a costume.

Well, whatever it's called, you should probably tee off last.

Oh, God, I'm exhausted.

Can you rub my feet?

You know, uh...

Since the kids are all out and you're practically naked.

Sorry, not now.

I'm too tired.

Then why did you ask me to rub your feet?

I told you, I'm tired.

You don't ask someone to rub your feet unless you're willing to go all the way.

Sometimes rubbing my feet just means rubbing my feet.

Tease.

I'm just saying, you know, it's been a while since we... Yeah,

we've both been busy and, you know, the kids have so many activities.

It's hard to find the time when we're both free and in the mood.

I give you free.

And I give you... mood.

Look, it's been forever.

18 days.

Mmm.

What? You've been counting?

Well, it began with me counting the days until I could ask you again.

Then it became more like a hunger strike.

That is just horrible. I cannot believe you would keep track of something like

that. Well, I didn't think that it would...

I mean, you know, I was... Hey!

Look who's here! It's Faye!

Hey, um, I just want to let you know I'm going out for the night, so if you

wanted to clean my room, now would be a good time.

No, no, hey, don't leave yet. Don't you want to watch TV with us?

You are inviting me to watch television.

Wow.

Hope must be really mad at you.

Oh, gosh, he's fine.

Really?

Is that why she's giving you that angry milkshake through a straw look?

Anyway, I'm off for my date with Dylan.

Dylan, hey, that's no sit.

Dish.

All right.

We met over lunch.

He was admiring my rigatoni, so I offered him a taste. He said only if I

airplaned it to him.

I missed his mouth, but once we stopped the bleeding, he asked me out.

Feel free to tell that story at our wedding. Don't wait up.

So, 18 days, huh?

You're not really mad about this, are you?

Come on.

Any man would count the days until he could be with you again.

Yeah.

But he wouldn't be dumb enough to count them out loud.

Charlie.

Held hostage.

Day 19.

Morning.

You're wearing the same thing you wore last night.

Aunt Faith, did you have a sleepover?

Yeah. We stayed up late and built a fort.

And then we tore it down.

Was the fort protected?

What I'm just saying, I remember the Alamo.

Don't forget, Mom. You said you'd take me shopping for my science project after

school today.

Oh! Right.

What did you finally decide to do this year, anyway?

Yeah, we gotta figure that out, too.

Oh, Mom, you have to pick me up from school at five today. I'm helping my

math teacher with his taxes.

He's getting reamed in his divorce from the field hockey coach.

Five? That's gonna be hard.

Sydney, can you pick your sister up? Sure.

Uh, you know what?

Just stand on the corner and look up. When you see a bunch of pigs fly by,

that means I'm on my way.

Listen here, young lady. You'll do it because I asked you to. End of story.

All right.

I'm late, so if anybody wants a ride, get in the car with an involved, loving

father a lot of women would kill for.

I'll see you tonight.

I'm sure you'll be counting the hours.

Well, that was kind of frosty. He actually counted the days since we last,

you know...

tore down our fort.

Yeah, I don't see the two of you tearing down your fort. I see you dismantling it

brick by brick and then neatly stacking them in a tidy pile.

He's so insulted that he would keep track of something like that. I mean,

he's completely blind to how busy we are.

I agree.

He's being totally unrealistic.

Thank you.

I mean, he can't expect to have, like, an active love life at this point in

your marriage.

Exactly.

Hey! Come on.

You got three kids. Your life is an endless list of errands and chores.

I mean, it's no wonder that your bedroom's become a sexual meat locker.

We're just in a bit of a rut.

It's okay.

Active sex lives are for people who are footloose and fancy-free. Like me.

For example, last night, me and Dylan did this.

It's a video. Go ahead. Press play. No, no. I think I get it.

Why on earth would you record something like that?

To study it later. I strive for excellence, Hope.

The point is, a night like this is something you and Charlie shouldn't

expect to have anymore.

Yeah. Well, I'd love to stay here and watch your amateur phone smut.

But I have to go change the sheets.

And the meat locker.

Oh, come on. Wait.

Hope! Hope! You gotta check this out.

Oh. Crap!

I think I forwarded it to Dad.

Hope, what is so urgent I had to meet you right away?

Hope?

Why, you must have me confused with someone else.

See, my name's Charlene.

I'm in town with a health care convention.

Okay.

Did you bang your head on the pantry shelf again?

No, I'm just sitting here enjoying a lovely libation.

It's called a filthy housewife.

I see. So, last night you were mad at me. This morning you're still mad at me.

And now you're some kind of corporate southern strumpet?

I prefer health care professional with a pension for the naughty.

Charlie, I'm trying to apologize and to pick you up.

Charlie. My name is Brock.

Well, pleased to meet you, Brock.

I don't mean to rush things, ma'am, but I gotta get a truckload of onions to

Schenectady by morning.

Now, are you... Is it a wedding ring? Are you married?

Yes.

But my husband hasn't satisfied me in 18 days.

The highway can be a lonely place.

Forces a man to contemplate his own mortality.

That's why I took the CB handle.

Grim Reaper.

Honey, you can stop doing that now.

Oh, sorry.

Would you at least like the part about my brief stay in the National Guard?

Oh, man.

This is such a great surprise.

What brought it on?

Well, Faith said because we're married, our sex life should be dull and boring.

Guess I didn't want to believe her.

So, I complain about our lack of lovemaking. I get the cold shoulder.

She brings it up and we're having a nooner?

Works for me.

Oh, God.

It's someone from home.

Hello?

Justin's waiting for you to take him shopping. Where are you?

Oh, uh... Hold on a sec.

God, it's Faith.

I can't believe I lost track of time. I was supposed to take Justin shopping for

the science project. Just tell her you got held up and...

Have her take him.

I can't do that.

No.

But Charlene can.

She knows how to live.

Okay.

Uh, Faith, honey? I mean, uh, I can't come home right now. See, uh, I'm stuck

at a PTA meeting.

God, that's fantastic.

I never heard someone get so excited about a stupid PTA meeting. Oh, God.

So, can you take him for me?

Oh, man, you know, I was hoping to see Dylan this afternoon.

Much to Dad's dismay.

Come on, please.

You said yourself, my life is an endless list of errands, and the PTA has a very

important initiative coming up.

I second the motion, Doris.

Fine, I'll take care of Justin.

Listen, what kind of science project should I get?

Magnet solar system?

A baking soda volcano?

Volcano! Volcano!

So then I said, Justin, how about a volcano? He says no.

Something to do with space?

No. Biology?

Electricity? Turning water into wine?

No, no, no.

I hate to brag.

But for my fourth grade science fair, I made a combustion engine run on almond

butter.

Yeah, that'll come in handy in 20 years when you're driving to the vet with one

of your 400 cats.

Okay, Dr.

Shanowski's out of here. Got an early patient this morning.

Oh, uh, yesterday was amazing.

Are you crazy?

Not here.

Still mad.

We haven't made up.

With our clothes on.

Charlie's still in the doghouse, huh?

Look, if you want to get him off your back, might I suggest the extended cable

package with special bonus channels?

Yeah.

We had cable when Sidney was a child.

We're not making that mistake again.

Don't say it's me.

Is Faith still there? Cough twice if the answer is yes.

Oh, what are you doing?

I can't talk here.

I'm sorry, but I just checked in with my office. I have an empty block of time at

four o'clock.

Can you get free?

No, no, no, I can't.

I've got too much to do.

Oh, but I just have to see you again.

I woke up this morning.

And I swear I could smell your perfume on my pillow.

I was sleeping right next to you.

Yeah, you look so hot lying there and your teeth bleaching strips.

So, what about this afternoon?

I'll see what I can do.

Yes!

That was Sarah McPherson from the PTA.

I met her yesterday while I was buying Justin's science fair project.

Her kid's doing a potato clock.

Loser.

Hey, wait a minute.

Why wasn't she at your PTA meeting?

Oh, uh, she left early.

Her boob job sprung a leak.

Uh, speaking of the PTA, I have another meeting this afternoon.

Can you, uh, cover for me here?

Uh, not likely. I have a date with Dylan. We're going wine tasting. Check

it out. I've been practicing.

Oki, not too in your face, but with a little what's up?

Boy, your life is so full of excitement while I just schlep through

another day of chores.

We make our own beds in life.

Well, not me. You make mine, but you know what I mean.

Yeah, but I'm just a slave to parental responsibility.

It's just so hard.

All right, look, fine. Look, if it'll help you out, I'll cancel my plans with

Dylan.

Thanks, Faith.

Sure. But since I'm missing my wine-tasting date, do you mind if I kill

that box of Zinfandel in the fridge?

Sure. But maybe after you pick up Justin?

I can't believe we've been sneaking around like this all week.

I feel like a teenager again.

Yeah, well, now you let me take your bra off.

Well, now you know how to do it, Mr. Ten Thumbs.

Oh, crap.

Your kids.

They're your kids, too.

Way to kill the mood. Get down!

Come on, down, down!

Uh,

hey, guys!

A little help with the groceries? You know, dinner's not gonna cook itself.

No, it's going to nuke itself soggy and still be frozen in the middle.

Which is the way chicken nuggets taste the yummiest.

When's Mom gonna cook dinner again?

I fit into my nine-year-old pants.

Okay. Maybe I'm not the gourmet your mother is, but does she let you eat in

the bathtub?

You got me there.

Can't beat a corn dog in a bubble bath.

Huh. I wonder why Mom's car is here.

I thought she was at that environmental meeting.

She probably got a ride. You know, if you don't carpool to those things, those

greenies will cut you.

Whoa. That was close.

I thought you said they weren't supposed to get home till later. They weren't.

I'm sorry. I just don't think I can do this anymore. All the lying.

It's just wrong.

Come on.

We got something good going on here.

Let's not let it slip away, baby.

I don't know why I'm talking like this.

Okay.

Maybe just one more time.

But if she finds out, it's going to bring shame on our family.

Okay, now I don't know why I'm talking like this.

Aunt Faith, I need someone to sign this history test.

Oh, yeah. Could you get a pen out of your mom's purse right there? Yeah.

There you go.

A-minus?

This isn't like you. Are you doing drugs?

I've been using a new inhaler. Does that count?

Lynn Falls Executive Suites. That mother of yours. If a pen's not chained down,

it doesn't stand a chance.

Hey, Sydney.

Can you come help me put these groceries away? I have to get dinner started.

Uh, I would.

But I have this thing where I...

I don't want to.

You'll do it because I said so, young lady. Now, don't make me call your

father.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Dylan.

No, I'm sorry. I can't see you tonight. I still have to take Haley to piano

practice and have to help Justin with the science fair project and...

There's this really great new disposable toilet bowl cleaner that's all the rage,

and I can't wait to try it out.

It has not been five days since I've seen you, and I can't believe you're

counting.

Glen Falls Executive Suites?

Wait. Wait a minute. This is from yesterday.

What's wrong?

Well, this receipt was in your father's pants, and this was in your mom's purse.

Oh my God, I know.

They were there together.

Look, what do you want from me? I have like a C-minus average.

Your mom said she had a doctor's appointment yesterday.

Oh my God.

They're sleeping together.

How could I have been so blind?

How did she find us?

Did you think I wouldn't find out?

My sister is in there doing it with her husband.

Okay, wait.

It's not what it looks like. I can't believe you've been lying to me.

Look, it started out as just one time, and then it got a little out of control.

You're damn right it got out of control.

Was there ever a PTA?

Or an environmental meeting?

How do I know those children are even yours?

You saw them come out of my body?

You know I blacked out when the doctor said there were no drugs available for

the support team.

I can't believe I've been picking up your slack all week.

Driving the kids around, doing their schoolwork with them, doing the laundry.

What? You did laundry?

Oh, no.

Oh, so Charlie's underwear now fits Justin.

At least the little race cars will almost look appropriate.

Those are NASCAR super-roos.

I got them at Daytona.

You tricked me into feeling sorry for you.

I haven't seen Dylan in five days.

He's probably moved back in with his wife by now.

You're the one who said Charlie and I couldn't have passion because we were

too busy being parents.

Well, let me tell you what.

These two parents have been getting real busy.

Five days in a row busy.

Um, honey?

If you're going to keep stats, you've got to be accurate. It's six.

But if you're talking about the number of times, it's still six.

Well, now if you'll excuse me, I've got to take a cold shower.

Think about the Golden Girls naked.

I can't believe you would go to all this trouble just to prove to me that the two

of you can still be hot and heavy. I wasn't trying to prove anything to you.

I was trying to prove it to myself.

And I'm sorry I lied to you. But maybe when you're married with kids, you'll

understand.

Yeah, well, to tell you the truth, I do have a whole new appreciation for all

the stuff you have to do in a day.

Thanks. And I admit, I have a new admiration for your stamina.

Now I see how you can stay so fit without exercising.

Thanks. But I think it would be only fair for me to pitch in a little more

around the house every once in a while so you and Charlie can have some time

for yourselves.

Yeah.

That would be nice.

Um, let me ask you something.

In all your amorous adventures, did you ever get a strained muscle in the back

of your thigh?

Sure. It's called a cowgirl hammy.

Here's what you do.

Hot, cold, hot, cold.

Walk it off, elevate, and then get right back on the horse.