Original subtitles

Mmm, these candles would be perfect next to my cornucopia centerpiece.

Actually, the Native Americans called it maze-ucopia.

Sorry, that was corny.

What the hell is in that candle?

Hey, check out that guy over there. He looks just like Dad.

Maybe it's his doppelganger.

My shrink has a word-a-day calendar in her office. Well, she had one.

My gosh, that is Dad.

He's not supposed to be flying until Thanksgiving morning.

Dad?

Hey, my girls.

What are you doing here?

Shouldn't we be asking you that? When did you get in?

Last night.

I got an earlier flight. I would have called, but I didn't want to arrive too

early and wear out my welcome.

Don't be silly. Hope lives for house guests.

But God forbid you touch the container marked Hope's Yogurt. You might as well

be stealing a mango at a Saudi market.

Wait, if you came in last night, where'd you stay?

At an old Army buddy's.

Gave us a chance to catch up, swap combat stories, play with his plastic

hand.

Okay. I think I found the perfect sweater for those big shoulders of

yours.

No offense, Dad, but your army buddy aged a lot better than you have.

His father is the army buddy.

Jay, these are my daughters, Hope and Faith.

Oh, my God.

Hope and Faith.

Wow.

Wow.

I'm assuming the oh, my God was for Hope and the two wows were for me.

Jay's helping me pick out a gift for his old man.

Right, Jay?

Right.

Right. Just, uh, you know, buying sweaters for the old man. He lost all

his sweaters in the war.

Well, I hate to cut this short, but Jay's father's been expecting us for

lunch for over a half an hour.

Right. Old man hates it when we're late, especially when we've got new sweaters

for him.

So I'll be at your house Thursday morning, huh?

Yeah. Can't wait to see Charlie and the kids. See you then, Dad. It was nice

meeting you.

You too.

Okay, that was really weird.

Yeah.

I never really noticed Dad was gay before.

I'm telling you, he's not gay.

Please, if he was any gayer, he'd be antiquing in a Speedo.

Come on.

I only wore that Speedo once in Cancun, and that's because they lost my luggage.

Talking about dad, we just saw him in the mall with some young, attractive

guy.

Sweater shopping.

I thought your dad wasn't coming in until Thursday.

Think about it. His hair is always perfect.

His jeans are always pressed. And in Monopoly, he actually likes going to

jail.

He does use brunch as a verb.

What about all the gorgeous women he's dated?

My therapist would say he's overcompensating.

It is odd that he'd come to town and not call you.

What color was the sweater?

Periwinkle. Yikes.

Come on, you two.

Hope, admit it. Dad was acting weird around that Jay guy.

Well, I guess they did seem like they were trying to hide something.

And I don't remember Dad ever mentioning an army buddy here in town.

Don't ask, don't tell.

If he is, we're just going to have to tell him we're okay with it.

Can't believe I have a gay dad.

He's going to make a great turn in my E! True Hollywood story.

Now I won't have to lean so heavily on my brave battle with swimmer's ear.

Thanks for coming over, Dad.

Can we get you something to drink?

Nice pinot, maybe a cosmopolitan?

Water's fine.

Sparkling, I assume.

Bubbly and effervescent, the way your people like it.

Why are you acting so strange? Are you mad at me because I didn't tell you I

was in town?

I was going to call you tomorrow to see if you wanted to brunch.

Dad, we think maybe we know why you didn't tell us.

It's because you didn't want us to find out the truth about you and Jay.

Oh, boy.

This is not the way I wanted this to come out.

It's okay, Dad.

I've known plenty of gay men in Hollywood, and they put on their chaps

one leg at a time, just like the rest of us.

What are you talking about?

I'm not gay.

Then who's that Jay guy? And why were you being all secretive?

Well, there is an explanation.

But I don't know how you're going to take it.

Jay is my son.

You have a son?

I have a half-brother?

Wow, it's like being back on the soap again.

Only all of you would be a lot more attractive.

You have a son?

I don't know what to say.

I'm shocked.

I know this is a big bombshell to drop on both of you, but I'm glad it's

finally come out.

How did this happen?

He obviously had sex with someone and not a man.

Do you remember when you were little and I went away to Europe on that business

trip?

Well, actually, I was in Dayton at the John Glenn Motor Lodge.

But you brought us a pair of wooden shoes.

From home?

I got them at the truck stop on the Pennsylvania Turnpike.

Your mother and I were going through a very rough time, and while we were

separated, I met Laura, and she was also going through a bad breakup, and we

helped each other get back on our feet.

I suppose a good old-fashioned pep talk and a pat on the back wouldn't do it?

Oh, please, you heard him. He and Mom were going through a very difficult

time. Was it because of Hope?

Of course not.

I had feelings for Laura, but your mother was the love of my life. And when

I realized I couldn't live without her, or you guys, I came back and we were

happy until the day she died.

Well, that's just the most beautiful story of infidelity I've ever heard.

Would you stop being so judgmental?

Well, excuse me.

I'm just wondering how Mom must have felt when Dad was just playing Johnny

Appleseed right out there in the middle of Ohio.

Hey, hey, hey.

I told your mother about Laura.

And, frankly, I didn't know about Che until he looked me up five years ago.

It's that Internet.

It's more than driving directions, you know.

But you still kept it from us for five years, Dad.

Five years.

Damn it! We're not children anymore.

You can't just trick us with a pair of wooden shoes.

I told my whole class you had lunch with the mayor of Rotterdam.

This isn't easy for me either.

Jay's a part of my life now, and I can't change that. And we don't want you to.

In fact, I think you should bring Jay here for Thanksgiving.

He should.

Yeah. It'll give us all a chance to bond.

In fact, in honor of Jay, I'm going to make my special appetizer with the

cheese and crackers.

Hope, could you pick up some cheese? Oh, and some crackers.

Are you okay with this, Hope? Why not? Since Faith is going to all this

trouble.

Maybe I should go and let you process this. Yeah, maybe you should.

Go.

I was afraid this was going to happen.

Can you take care of your sister?

Yeah, I will.

Don't worry.

I know how to talk to her.

I don't even want to talk to you.

I cannot believe you invited them over for Thanksgiving.

I don't want him coming over with his stupid son.

Oh, lighten up so we have a half-brother.

Embrace this kid or he winds up in some orphanage.

And those are exactly the kids that don't get adopted.

Hey.

Just saw Jack driving away. What happened?

Turns out, some 20-odd years ago, Dad had an affair.

And he had a son.

That's who he ran into in the mall.

Guess what?

Faith invited them over for Thanksgiving dinner.

And now I have to go buy cheese!

And crackers, you sure you don't want to write this down?

Wait, did you just say you have a half-brother? Honey, that's great!

Or no, that's not great.

Why don't you just tell me how you feel and I'll feel exactly the same way.

I'm mad!

Me too!

I can't believe they never told us they separated.

I always thought they were blissfully happy.

And I don't see how you're so okay with this.

Well, obviously, therapy has made me more evolved than you.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to find a recipe for my signature cheese

and crackers dish.

I swear, if you ever run off to Amsterdam and you bring back Justin a

pair of wooden shoes and a little brother, you are going to see a very

ugly side of me.

Trust me, if I run off to Amsterdam,

I'm not coming back with clogs.

Oh, I love Thanksgiving.

Food, family, football.

What could be better, son?

We see a boob at halftime?

Oh, and here comes one now.

Hey, happy turkey day, all.

I got it.

Hiya, Charlie. Hey, Jack.

Great to see you. And I guess congratulations on your new son.

They grow up so fast when you don't know them.

Jay, nice to meet you. Charlie, hi.

Boy, it's great to have a couple extra guys in the house. We'll watch some

football, drink some beer, stink up the place.

I kind of wanted to get to know everyone before I crop dusted the living room.

Yeah.

I still can't believe I have a little brother.

I want to know everything about you. Let's start at the beginning.

C-section or birth canal?

It's not too late to get out. I'll just throw some shiny coins in the air and

you run.

Here you go, Grandpa.

Three fingers, single mold.

I'm set to water it down, but it's the holidays.

Jay, this is my grandson, Justin.

You'll like him.

He makes a highball that'll knock you right on your ass.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, sweetie.

Jay?

Hope, hi. Thank you so much for having me.

Oh, come on.

You can do better than that. You're family. Give him a kiss.

Smooch, smooch, smooch.

Can I see a seating chart before we sit down?

Hi, Graham.

Hi.

How are you?

Jay, my granddaughters, Haley and Sydney. Hi. Hi, nice to meet you. How

you doing? Hi, nice to meet you. Here's the thing.

I'm going to be surly all night. It's not you.

Just so you know, the blood of millions of Native Americans is in that turkey.

The yams just have regular marshmallows, though, right?

It's great to finally meet all of you. Jack has told me so much about you.

Well, uh, I have some stuff to finish up in the kitchen.

Jay, sorry if the portions are a little small. See, when I bought the turkey, I

didn't know you were coming.

Or that you existed.

Excuse me.

Look at you.

So adorable.

That was unexpected.

I just want to crazy glue you to my hip, mister.

That rarely ends well.

I'm going to go check and see if Hope needs some help in the kitchen.

Okay.

Can I give you a hand with something? Please say yes. I don't want to go back

out there.

It's okay.

I'm fine.

I know this is hard for you.

Believe me, I know. I only found out five years ago that my father wasn't a

roadie for REO Speedwagon.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't be taking this out on you.

It's just my head is so turned around about this whole thing.

It's a lot to process.

I understand.

So not even a potato I could peel or anything.

Well, I suppose you could chop some parsley for garnish.

But I like it really fine.

You know, on second thought, I'm pretty particular about how I cut up my person.

Where'd you learn how to do that?

Uh, CIA.

Holy crow.

What, were you a hired assassin or something?

No, not that CIA. The Culinary Institute of America.

Although, some underdone poultry in my second year could have taken a few

people out.

Wow.

So you're a chef?

And Jack tells me that you're a caterer.

Yeah, well, my experience isn't nearly as much as yours, but yes, I do know my

way around a bay leaf.

So, uh, do you cook anywhere I might have eaten?

Actually, I own a restaurant.

It's called J.

Just the letter lowercase.

It's a little pretentious, but I saved a lot on the sign, so... You own Jay?

So you're a chef, and I'm a caterer.

We are related.

We're like two sauteed peas in a pod.

And a light butter sauce with patini mushrooms.

We sound delicious.

Oh, look at the love.

You know, if we scrounge up a couple more siblings...

We could be on Family Feud.

You know that restaurant, Jay?

Oh, sure.

They have these really cool ashtrays there. I've got like six of them in my

bedroom.

That's Jay's restaurant.

Oh.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, I never took any sugar packets, and I know

I'm entitled to those.

Don't worry about it.

Although you're not just stealing from me, you're stealing from your own

father.

Pardon? Uh, Jack's my silent partner.

Really? What do you mean by that?

Well, when I wanted the restaurant, I was kind of in a bad way, and he offered

to help me out. He insisted, actually.

What?

My father gave you money?

Wow! Isn't that great?

Now I'm a caterer who's part of a food dynasty.

Let me get this straight.

So you were... Down on your luck and my father gave you the money.

Like, say, if I was down on my luck because, say, I lost my job on my soap

and I had nowhere to live and not a penny to my name, is that the kind of

money my father gave you?

He's Jay's father, too. Half-father.

I can't tell you how special it is to finally have all my kids together and

happy. You're the worst parent ever.

And I wish you were.

What are you guys doing for Christmas?

Yeah. I need the listing for who you call when you're eating in some jerk's

restaurant and a big pregnant rat scurries across the floor.

What are you doing?

I'm ruining our deadbeat half-brother.

You can't be mad at Jay.

You never asked Dad for a dime.

So typical.

The middle child always gets screwed.

You know, and maybe Dad didn't know how bad off I was, but at least he could

have offered, like he did for Jay, who he barely even knows.

Actually, you're wrong.

About Dad.

The truth is, he's been offering to help you ever since you moved back to Glen

Falls. But we had the means, so we...

Always turned him down.

Shouldn't I have the right to choose who I mooch off of?

Isn't that what the woman's movement was all about?

Yes. You got the message exactly.

Look, Dad didn't want me to tell you this, but once you went into therapy,

money got a little tighter, so we took him up on his offer.

Dad's been paying for my therapy?

Yes. But please, don't say anything.

So I guess he kind of like is my silent partner.

You know, if my mental health was a restaurant.

Yeah.

Something like that.

Wow, I had no idea.

He really is great.

Yeah.

Now I kind of feel bad about what I did to his rental car.

Man, that Diana Ross puts on a terrific halftime show.

And how great does she look in that peach velour?

Okay, I can kind of understand how people would think I was gay.

Hey, Jay.

Sorry about before.

Here, I wanted you to have one of your ashtrays back.

Thanks, but this is from uppercase J.

I hate that guy.

Come on, everybody.

Mr. Tom Turkey's ready.

Come on, everyone. Take your seats at the table.

Oh, and I switched up the place cards so you won't be sitting where you expect.

Is there any chance I'm sitting in my room?

Wait, wait. I want to get a picture of me with the men in my family.

Come on, Jay.

Here, Charlie. Will you take a picture of me with the men?

Yeah,

why?

Well, as the worst parent ever, naturally, I'm concerned.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

Thank you, Daddy.

For what?

For everything.

You know, you're really lucky.

Of all the men your mom could have had indiscriminate, unprotected sex with,

she chose our dad.

Because he's the best ever.

All right, everyone.

Here we go. Come on. Come on, come on, family photo. Come on, get in here.

Come on, kids.

Come on, Justin.

Hurry up.

Big smiles.