Original subtitles

Okay. All right. I think I got all the gum out.

Listen, the next time that Ivy girl tries to pull a stunt like this, I want

you to say, a real lady doesn't chew gum.

It's a nasty habit that promotes tooth decay.

The bus driver is scared of her. I'm not saying that.

Where is she?

Where is that blonde parasite you call a sister?

She hasn't come home from the job interview yet.

You mean the one she never went to?

What? Yeah, this is the second one she's blown off. I pulled strings to get her

that interview today, and now I've lost credibility at the ice rink and the

balloon store.

Well, she had a good excuse the first time. I know when I run over a squirrel,

I'm just useless for the rest of the day.

Hey, party people!

Hey!

So, uh, that was the job interview.

I think I really nailed it. I didn't even need to use Justin's clean urine.

Faith, you didn't go to the job interview.

Okay, you're right, I didn't.

But something happened that really upset me and I couldn't go. I was on my way

there and I ran over another squirrel.

No, you did not run over a squirrel.

You're right, it was a bunny. Faith.

A bum?

Will you talk to her?

You can't blame everything on bums and squirrels.

Charlie set this thing up for you. You should have gone.

You have been living in our house for two years with no source of income.

Doesn't that ever bother you?

I see what you're saying. I'm just not comfortable accepting an allowance from

you. Come on, Faith.

Why are you trying to sabotage your job search?

Is something wrong?

No. Now leave me alone.

She's lost it.

And that's giving the benefit of the doubt that she ever had it.

No, no,

no, no. Something is wrong.

I mean, she's never been a big fan of reality, but at least she'd drop in from

time to time.

We have to do something.

Well, if you remember, I had a perfectly reasonable suggestion.

Yeah, we tried it your way. But she refused to join the army, and she slept

with a recruiter.

The one interview she shows up for.

Come on, let's just go talk to her.

Wait, wait, wait!

There are three other branches of the armed services. What about the Coast

Guard? She has always liked Cuban guys.

Um... Look, Faith... I'm really worried about you.

I said I don't want to talk about it.

Okay, fine, but you have to talk to somebody.

Would you consider talking to a...

Professional? You mean a gigolo?

Hey, it's your dime.

No. I mean a therapist.

It might help motivate you so you can move on with your life.

Forget it. I don't need to shrink.

Then suit up, soldier. You're going to Baghdad.

See, here's the thing, Dr. Lombard.

I don't need therapy.

I'm only here because Charlie and Hope said it was either this or the army.

Now, I would give my life for my country, but my hair?

Never.

But you did agree to come, so surely you must have some issues that you'd like to

explore?

I suppose there is one thing.

I feel like I don't belong in Glen Falls.

I have to shop in the teen section just to find my size.

Everyone here is so giant.

And what's worse, Hope and Charlie are on this Faith Needs a Job kick.

Well, part of being an adult is working.

Oh. So you're on their side. I see.

Everyone's against tiny little Faith here in Giant Town.

Faith, look at that poster.

Nothing says independence like a dog on a cliff.

You know, I pointed that one out when I could have pointed to the perseverance

whale or the excellence bear.

It's obvious.

The dog is much smaller than the whale or the big fat bear.

No, it's the message.

Independence.

And getting a job is an important step towards gaining independence.

You need to take some responsibility, Faith, for the situation that you're in.

Boo! Boo!

I know this is difficult to hear.

I assume that's the reason for the booing.

But did you ever think that you may be the source of your own problems?

Okay, we don't heckle the PhD.

All I'm saying is that you need to do some work on yourself.

You expect me to do the work? Then why don't you pay me 150 bucks an hour? Oh,

I'm sorry, 50 minutes.

I'm out of here, and I'm never coming back. Just give me some pills for the

road, and I'll go. And I don't mind samples, just none of that generic crap.

Faith, I'm sorry, I can't do that.

Fine.

And you can forget about the autographed headshot for your lobby.

Good day!

Mmm, milkshake. Not for you. It's for Faith.

It's a ginseng mental health smoothie.

I want her to know that I'm there for her, I'm supportive, and I had some

fruit that was about to go bad.

Well, I just hope she comes back from therapy all fixed and in a packing mood.

Julie, come on.

Therapy's a process. It takes time. I know it took me years before I could put

on underwear right out of the package.

Never told you that, did I?

Well, I'm back.

It's better to put away all the sharp objects because you never knew what the

crazy woman might do.

We never said you were crazy.

That's true. You never tell a crazy person they're crazy.

So, what did you talk about? Your feelings, your past, how to fill out a

job application.

I'm sorry, but I can't discuss it. Doctor-patient confidentiality. That

only applies to doctors. Can't reveal my sources. That only applies to

journalists. Then I plead the fifth. I told you this was a waste of money.

Listen, if the therapist says that Faith doesn't have to talk to us, then she

doesn't.

We all want this to work.

Fine.

I guess I could back off a little.

So, um, you guys...

are interested in hearing what my therapist has to say?

Absolutely. It was our idea for you to go into therapy, and anything we could

do to be part of the healing process, we will. Yeah, funny you should mention it,

because my therapist says you're bugging me about that too much.

She says that I have to come to the job thing on my own when I'm ready, which

I'm not yet.

We hear you. Just consider us part of Team Faith.

We'll be your mental health.

Pit crew.

Right, Charlie?

If it was up to me, I'd replace the whole engine block.

Kelly!

What happened?

Yeah, where's your John 316 sign?

Ivy did this to me in the library at school.

I didn't even notice.

That's how into reading Cry of the Beloved Country I was.

I'm going to call that school right now and take care of this. No, Mom, don't.

Ivy will snap me like a twig.

At least that's what she carved on my locker with someone else's tooth.

Well, at least let me go get some of that really strong shampoo we used after

your Aunt Faith's Blue Man Group audition.

I'll tell you how to handle this girl, Ivy.

Spread a nasty rumor about her and she'll cave in a week. Now, what do we

have to work with?

Bad skin, morbid obesity, ambiguous genitalia?

No offense, Aunt Faith, but I don't really feel like I can go to you on

this. I mean, you're not exactly the encyclopedia of maturity.

Well, fine.

Suit yourself.

But what if I told you that my therapist said the same exact thing?

You talked about me in your therapy?

Yep. And my therapist says when you're dealing with a person like this, you

have to fight fire with fire. Well, actually, she said you have to put flame

upon flame, but she's, like, really smart.

Well, I guess if a mental health care professional said it... Yeah, she also

suggested a leave-in conditioner to, you know, maybe relax those curls.

I had the same dream last night.

I'm signing autographs, and then all of a sudden, the pen turns into an ear of

corn.

What do you think that means?

Hello? Hey, it's me.

Hope, what do you want? I'm in the middle of therapy.

Oh, shoot. That's right. It's Tuesday. Sorry.

You just go and take care of you.

Oh, I will.

Hey, could you do me a favor and paint smiley faces on the big toes?

Oh, or one of those fancy yin-yang signs?

Now, where was I? Oh, right. So the pen turned into an ear of corn. And then,

instead of ink coming out, it was butter.

So I ate it.

So anyway,

there I am on...

Looks like somebody enjoyed their spinach frittata.

Oh, it was great.

You know, my therapist says that when you allow people to treat you well, you

feel well about yourself.

She calls it the Lombard Wellness Theory.

Look it up.

Yeah.

Listen, I'm happy to be part of the process, but you think maybe next time

you could take your own tray into the kitchen?

Let's take this one day at a time, Hope.

Even Sylvia Plath bust her own tray.

All right. I don't know what the hell's going on here, but I want in.

I don't know what you're talking about. I'm just a nice lady whose family cares

about her.

Yeah. And I'm an honor student who's saving herself.

All right, look.

I've been lying about going to therapy.

Really? Why?

Well... Because at first, you know, it was just a really great way to get your

parents off my back about the whole job thing. But then I realized the power of

these three simple words.

My therapist says... I brought you my koosh ball.

Got me through some hard times.

Kindergarten was a snake pit.

Thank you, Justin.

But my therapist says a neck massager is a better stress reliever.

I'll see what I can do. I know a kid who knows a kid.

How can I parlay this into spring break in Cancun?

First things first, I'll help you out as soon as I get a 42-inch flat screen or a

42-inch bust, whichever hangs better.

Go for the boobs.

So...

I only took intro to psych freshman year, but could you explain why I had to

drive all over town just to find your aromatherapy candles?

My therapist says, enlighten the nose, enlighten the mind.

Did Dr.

Lombard happen to mention a timetable when this whole independence thing might

take flight?

Actually, she said that timetables are the devil's playthings. Speaking of

which, I better go. I don't want to be late for my session.

Insanity and tardiness dance together in the devil's handbook.

Haley, what happened to your hair?

Well, Aunt Faith said her therapist thought I'd look good this way.

Wow.

That's a full-service therapist.

Wow.

You look cute. Stay away from boys.

You ready to go to school?

Yeah. You'll have to pick me up late today.

Actually, all week.

Why? Aunt Faith's therapist said the best way to get back at Ivy was to

spread a rumor about her. What?

Yeah. I'm not sure which of her two moms called the school, but now I have

detention.

That is it. This therapist is full of bunk.

You know, I went along with the breakfast in bed, the daily

affirmations. I even gave Faith a spray on tan.

My hands are still orangey.

When my straight-A child ends up in detention, that's where I draw the line.

Although your hair is really adorable.

Uh, you spray-painted your sister's naked body, but I suggest satin sheets,

and I'm the perv?

All right, what kind of scammer... Oh, I thought you were my sister, Faith

Fairfield. I wish I was anyone but me.

Breathe, Seth, breathe.

Faith left in the middle of her first session with several magazines from my

waiting room and my little zen garden.

But... She's been coming here twice a week. Well, clearly she hasn't because I

still have stuff.

Sorry. I'll go.

And if it's any help, my daddy used to always say, let a smile be your

umbrella.

Please, just leave.

And tell your sister to bring back my coat rack.

So there's no therapist?

Oh, there's a therapist. She just hasn't been seeing her.

Okay. Where are you going?

To punch her in the face.

Wait, wait, wait.

What would give you more satisfaction, huh?

Punching her in the face or beating her at her own game?

Can I do both?

She said she had a therapist who turned out to be fake, right?

Well, two can play at that game. Come on.

Wait, I don't even know what the game is.

The game is we pull the wool over her eyes, smoke her out, let her roast on

the spit for a spell.

Okay, these are all great expressions, honey, but I don't have any idea what

you're talking about.

Just, just... Follow my lead. On the hop, lickety-slip. Again, no idea.

Faith?

What brings you to my neck of the woods?

You mean our house?

We just wanted to let you know how impressed we are with the progress

you've been making in therapy.

My therapist is very impressed, too.

By the way, From now on, she'd like to be paid in cash.

Well, sure, no problem.

Our therapist prefers cash also.

You have a therapist?

Yes. In fact, you've inspired Charlie and me to get some counseling of our

own.

Yeah, I... Yeah, therapy's... It's really cool.

No kidding.

What's your therapist's name? Maybe my therapist knows him, her.

Our therapist's name is Dr... Dr... Duvet?

Really, Duvet?

Yeah, Pierre Duvet. He's a French guy.

He's the head of abnormal psychology down at Glen Falls.

General. Only, he says, General.

Uh-huh.

See, uh...

Charlie and I are having problems, and Dr. DeVay says you living here has put

undue stress on our marriage.

He even said if we don't alleviate some of the tension between us... And by

tension, he means you.

Or, in his words, vous.

That's right. If that doesn't happen, well, Charlie and I could be headed

for... separation.

I don't want to lose you.

I don't want to lose you either.

So, um, so if I don't move out, you guys are going to split up?

That's right.

I'll tell you why.

I'll break it to the kids. You get started with dinner. What?

You know what? You're right. It really should come from you, but a word of

advice? I'd open with a joke.

Okay, fine.

We're not getting separated, and we don't have a therapist, okay?

But neither do you.

Well, at least I went to a half a session.

You guys just flat-out lied. Flat-out liars.

Nice plan. That's the worst smoking out in the history of smokeouts.

Wait, how... How could you take advantage of us like this?

Oh, right. Maybe I really wasn't going to therapy.

But that woman was a quack with all of her insult hurling and drug withholding.

Well, if you didn't like your therapist, you could have found another one.

It's not the therapist.

It's the therapy.

I don't need it. Oh, come on, Faith.

What is your problem? You can't commit to changing anything in your life.

Charlie's right.

Why else would you avoid getting a job?

I don't know, okay? Because the job represents, you know, working with

strangers and pretending that I have to be interested in their lives and trying

to find something witty to write on one of those gigantic birthday cards for

good old Bill down in accounting.

I don't even know Bill.

Well, if you get a job, you might want to know Bill. I don't want to know Bill,

and I don't want a job. Why the hell not?

Because... Just forget it. No, no, no, no.

What?

What is it?

Because I'm scared, okay?

Of Bill?

What are you scared of, honey?

You know what they call an actress who gets a job working at the shoe store in

a mall?

A shoe salesman.

If I get a regular job, then I'll become that thing and I won't be Faith

Fairfield, actress anymore.

I understand.

But don't you think you owe it to yourself to find out what else Faith

Fairfield can be?

Oh, come on.

I'm sure there's some place where you can be all you can be.

A place where... You can do more before 9 a.m. than most people

do all day.

Yeah, see, here's the problem with the army. I don't wake up before noon.

Seriously?

Therapy might, well, it might just help you find some hidden potential inside of

you.

Truth is, I do feel kind of stuck, you know?

I mean, I can't live here forever mooching off you guys.

Am I the only one that hears that angelic choral music?

Faith, I think it was very brave of you to come back and deal with this issue.

And next session, maybe we can deal with your career aspirations.

And my little zen garden.

You know, I have to say that this has really helped me.

I've revealed a lot about myself, and I feel really good about that.

That's wonderful.

So?

What about you?

I'm sorry.

Come on, it's only fair.

What makes Dr. Lombard tick?

Oh, I... I don't generally discuss my problems with my patients. So you admit

you have problems?

You know what?

Take this little paperweight and go.

And, um...

On your way out, schedule yourself for three appointments for next week.

You are so getting an autographed headshot for the lobby now.