Original subtitles

And now that the graham cracker end zone has set, we place the meringue goalpost

just so.

I don't see why dad needs a football birthday cake every single year.

Because your dad loves football, and he loves his little football cake.

Yes, but he's in his 40s. He's not six.

Yeah, yeah, what are you gonna put in the goodie bags?

Fiber supplements?

Anyway, just wait till you see what I got him for a gift.

I had a caricaturist do a drawing of him golfing, and he's missing a putt.

And the caption says, I can straighten teeth, so why can't I straighten my

putts?

Suddenly the cake looks cool.

Trust me, I know your father. He'll love it.

I got my gift for Dad.

These are my two hands.

I made this in school today.

Hope you like it too.

What the hell is this?

It's haiku.

A Japanese poetic form with... I might as well be telling the fridge.

Didn't you give this to Dad when you were in, like, kindergarten?

Yeah, but it was in the closet collecting dust.

So I'm gonna give it to him again and watch him squirm.

You can't take these things so seriously.

Sometimes it's hard to find a place for all your gifts.

And just for the record, there's no dust in our closet.

Mom, your gingerbread super fans aren't done yet, and can I move out before my

next birthday?

Oh, darn!

I'm not going to be able to make it to the mall on time to pick up your dad's

gift and still dye their little rainbow head wigs.

Isn't Aunt Faith taking that learning annex class today?

She can pick it up.

Oh, well, you know, I hate to disturb her when she's trying to better herself.

Oh.

White Hope, I'm in the middle of a class.

I don't want to fall behind the other students.

Fine, I'll pick it up on my way home.

Hey, you guys, I feel like I'm just not getting the hang of this.

Could someone throw $20 at me and promise me a better life?

Wow, Hayley.

Super birthday present. You know, I...

I thought I knew a little bit about the Rwandan genocide, but now... I'll be an

expert.

Boy, they didn't skimp on the photos.

I also signed you up for the Global Atrocities newsletter.

Oh. Happy birthday, Daddy.

Boy, you know, it is so unbelievable.

Don Cheadle did a movie about this, and I did a movie with a guy who did a movie

with Don Cheadle. I wonder if I'm mentioned in here.

Didn't you meet Mel Gibson once?

After this, let's check the Bible.

Justin, you go next.

Here you go, Dad. I hope you don't have one.

Thank you.

Hey, this looks familiar.

Oh, I've been looking all over for this.

You know, I wanted to put it up over the bed, but your mom put the kibosh on it.

Hope? This year, it's going up.

Looks like he stuck his hands in his diaper and went to town.

Okay, Charlie.

Buckle your birthday belt and prepare for present liftoff. No, no.

Present gift-off.

Okay, just open it.

Huh.

Isn't this something?

Faith?

Can I see you in the kitchen?

Babe, you can see me anytime you want. That's the beauty of me living here.

Kitchen!

So what did you get for Dad?

I went in with Justin on the diaper painting.

What the?

How could you? That's not... Who? You? No. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I know what you're

trying to say.

And you're welcome.

That's the caricature I told you to pick up for Charlie.

Oh, I went to the mall to get it, but I got sidetracked. This woman asked me to

test out a new product. Let me ask you, which underarm isn't working?

So what? You just picked up a stupid shirt instead?

That's not a stupid shirt. That's a very nice shirt, and it wasn't cheap.

But you'll know when you get the bill. Oh, P.S., thanks so much for the purse.

But that is not what I picked out for him. I sat with the caricatures for

three hours. to make sure he nailed Charlie's kooky charisma.

And you know what? The oversized golf shoes?

My idea.

Charlie, listen, about the shirt. I love it.

I look like a stud in this thing.

Really, it's the best present you've ever given me.

Who is the sexiest member of the Ohio Valley State Board of Certified

Orthodontists?

This guy.

Let's get to that birthday, Levin.

Gotta drive carpool in the morning.

You're, uh, still wearing that shirt?

Yes, I am, because I look so good in it.

And I think you deserve a little treat.

Oh, that would totally do me in this thing.

But, uh, you're not coming to bed in it.

Oh, the wrinkle-free tag begs to differ.

No, no, no, seriously. Leslie, honey, take it off. Oh, the jazz man loves it.

And you completely scored.

You have come light years from that surfing sanitai you gave me.

So what do you say?

You've hated all my other gifts?

No, no, no, of course not. But this is different. You know, it's, I don't know,

less predictable.

Predictable?

Well, not that, no.

What's a nicer word for predictable?

There isn't one.

Besides, I don't see how Santa on a surfboard is predictable.

I mean, you expect him to be on a sleigh, not wearing Bermuda shorts and

ripping a half pipe.

What are you getting so mad about? You gave me a great gift. I said I loved it.

You should be ripping this shirt off with your teeth by now, which, as an

orthodontist, I don't advise.

Don't worry.

I won't be touching any part of that shirt with any part of me.

That would be too predictable.

Oh, I know what this is. You're mad because I sold you out over Justin's

handprints. But come on.

I mean, he thought his preschool Mother's Day card was a dog. Compared to

this thing, it's a freaking Picasso.

So... Where were we?

Sorry. Not in the mood.

It's my birthday.

Not anymore.

It's 1201.

Tough break, old man.

Hey, where you going?

I thought your birthday was one where I don't get any.

Hey.

Could you be a doll and pass me the OJ?

Uh, hello?

That's milk. I asked for juice.

Are you going through the change?

What? You asked me for something, and I gave you something completely different.

Isn't that how we roll around here?

Mom, I don't think you can wipe away your sister issues with a tubby sponge.

Oh, you'll see. When your sister's living in your attic, your place will be

spotless.

I don't believe the White House has an attic.

I have a better chance of being president than you do. People like

presidents who party and blow off school.

Hey, you took the food.

And you gave Charlie the wrong gift.

I can't believe you're still mad about that.

Charlie's like a dog. He likes anything you give him.

Unless it's made by the tiny hands of his only son.

Then it's straight to the closet.

Yesterday... My husband thought my gifts had razzmatazz.

Now he thinks they're just predictable.

Look, let's face it, Hope.

You're not exactly hip. I mean, come on, you thought Bling Bling was a panda.

So you think I'm boring, too? No, I just think that you've become comfortable.

I mean, probably the reason Charlie was so jazzed up about that gift is because

coming from you, it was unexpected.

Oh, my God.

You're right.

I never give him anything different.

I can't believe it.

Charlie thinks I'm boring.

Okay, let's not get carried away. Charlie is an orthodontist in a strip

mall in Ohio.

It's not like he's living Ocean's Eleven.

There's nothing I can do about it right now. I am what I am.

But we can fix that, Popeye. And I can help.

Help. If you really want Charlie to think of you as the woman that gave him

that shirt, then you're going to learn to...

Loosen up a little bit. No, no, no, no, no. I am not taking food into the

bedroom again. There is nothing sexy about a naked man getting an olive pit

cut in his throat. Okay.

That shirt came from a wild place. A spontaneous place. A place you ought to

visit. A place called Faithland.

And don't worry about the parking, because once you're there, you're never

going to want to leave.

I don't know.

Faithland has a very bad safety record.

Can I just take the... Charlie to dinner at some ethnic restaurant?

That's kind of spicy and different.

No, no, you're not thinking outside the box. That's not wild. Robbing a bank is

wild.

Okay, maybe there's something between tandoori chicken and being shot by a

security guard.

Okay, I have another idea.

Oh, God, I don't know about this. Cardio striptease?

I mean, there's so many people here.

You're getting off easy. In the advanced class, they bring in fat bald guys to

yell at you.

Come on.

Just loosen up a little bit.

Free yourself.

Shake that moneymaker.

I said moneymaker, not change purse.

Mrs. Shanowski?

Oh, God.

Mrs. Shanowski!

What are you doing here?

Oh, uh...

Hey, have you met Miss Hagenbarth, Hayley's algebra teacher?

Sure, Blueberry and I are old classmates.

Oh, we never set a time for Hayley's parent-teacher conference next Tuesday.

Um, seven, I guess.

Wonderful. And I'd like to discuss your becoming a woo mom.

Because, well, you know, Sally Green, she's sweet, but glug, glug, glug.

Oh, that does not leave this room.

Oh, don't worry.

Nothing will ever leave this room.

Give me some love, Beeberry.

All right, ladies. A little less and a little more.

Okay.

Come on. You heard her. Get up here and shake it like Charlie Sheen just showed

up with a fistful of 20s.

Okay.

Here it goes.

I'm noticing some real relaxing up the hips. Nice!

Anyone have a five spot?

You will soon.

Come on, Hope. Free your mind, and your ass will follow.

I can't. It's too public.

I feel like everyone's looking at me.

No, no. It's not so much that they're looking.

It's that they can't look away.

Okay.

Took me a while to find a load-bearing stud, but this baby's not going

anywhere. Are you crazy?

I can't have a stripper pole in my bedroom.

I'm the Girl Scout cookie coordinator.

Where'd you get this, anyway?

Let's just say the Glen Falls Tetherball team won't be hosting any home games

this season.

Forget it. I cannot do this. You saw me in the dance studio.

I'm a disaster.

That's because it was in public.

But here we are.

in the privacy of your very own blandly decorated bedroom, where you're free to

release the wild child within.

Okay, look, obviously, I don't have a wild child.

Yes, you do, Hope.

I've seen it.

Spring break, Daytona 89.

Who was the Sunset Motor Inn's topless chicken fight champion?

You pulled my bikini off. And here I am helping you again, champ.

Did you just unhook my bra?

Yes, ma'am.

You know, Charlie probably would get a kick out of me doing this.

Of course he would. He's a man, sort of.

And I would feel more comfortable, you know, doing it here in the privacy of my

own bedroom.

Did you throw this into the floor?

Trust me, when you're doing the flying split eagle, those quarter-inch bolts

will be your best friend.

All right.

I'll give it a whirl. If not now, when, right?

Atta girl.

Oh, but for the future, I'd avoid eating under the chandelier in the dining room.

Just for a little while.

Hope! Oh, hurry up.

Go into the bathroom. Change into something sexy. I'll set the mood.

Hope! You upstairs?

Perfect.

I'm up here.

Honey, you won't believe who we...

Hey, Jasmine.

Jasmine!

None of this would have happened if you'd just done what I asked and picked

up the gift I got for Charlie. You just can't handle the fact that I picked out

a better gift for him than you ever have.

Next year, I'm thinking maybe one of those gaucho hats.

You know what?

I never should have pulled you from that koi pond when we were little.

Uh, if anyone's interested, your husband's gonna be okay.

Yeah, great. Just try to keep the blood off his shirt. It's his favorite.

I'm doing the best I can. He busted up his nose pretty good, and he might have

a mild concussion. Okay, whatever. Just let us know if you need us to man the

paddles. I've seen every episode of ER, pre- and post-Ming-Na.

Yeah, we generally don't use the paddles for nose injuries.

Cardio striptease.

What an asinine idea.

Actually, it's an outstanding way to stay fit. You wouldn't guess it to look

at me, but I used to be... pudgy.

I know an invitation when I hear one.

And I'm gonna RSVP yes.

My ex-boyfriend liked it, too.

So you're single?

God's sake!

He's not interested!

Hope! You're interrupting the mating dance.

No, whoa, whoa, wait.

Oh, yeah.

Your ex-boyfriend.

What was he like?

You know, as long as we're already here and the damage is done, he might want to

take out this area above the nostril and just push up the tip a little.

I am not giving Charlie a nose job.

All right, fine. How about some pec implants?

It'll be a hoot when he wakes up.

Can we at least stick his hand in warm water?

Oh, what happened?

Oh, honey.

There's been an alien invasion. We were the only three survivors.

Oh, man.

There's blood on it.

Charlie, listen.

I need to talk to you about the shirt.

Do you mind?

Oh, fine.

I'm going to walk around, see if I can find a pair of saline boobs lying

around.

This is not the present I bought for you.

Faith picked it up on a whim.

Let me just smash my face in with a bath.

That's not what happened. You just ran into a stripper's pole in our bedroom.

Oh, okay. Then I guess I'm up to speed.

See, when you went crazy for a shirt that I never would have bought you, it

made me think that, well, I had become too predictable.

So I decided to try out cardio strip tees.

Make me seem more exciting to you.

Strip tees?

It was Faith's idea. I know. It was stupid.

Well, first off, the idea of you swinging around on a pole naked is not

something we should just dismiss cavalierly.

But I like that you're predictable.

You're just saying that. No, really.

I love knowing that when I come home Tuesday, it's going to be taco night.

Not October 1st, no matter what.

You're going to change over to your fall wardrobe, and you're going to make me

that same football birthday cake every year.

Even though you never line up the players in any logical formation.

If you didn't do that stuff, I'd miss it.

Charlie.

So this whole striptease thing?

Did you, uh... Did you learn any moves?

I may have picked up a shimmy and a shake.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, you talk the talk, but you...

Excuse me.

If you don't mind, I just as soon leave tomorrow.

See how cross-eyed you are? Because you're so confused as to why you can't

sink that butt.

Yes.

And what about the caption? I can straighten teeth, so why can't I

straighten my puss?

I get it.

Oh, it's funny stuff.

Really?

You like it? Oh, yeah.

It's a corker.

Perfect gift.

As always.

Thank you.

So, where do you think it should go?

Oh.

Well, uh... Hard to say, you know? I mean, you... You give me so many

wonderful, funny, funny things, it's... Oh, for crying out loud.

I'll save you the trouble.