Original subtitles

Okay, birds are thawing salads, chopping taters, peeling dinners on a fast track.

High fives all around.

Or just stare at me like I'm a lunatic.

How long before we're visiting her on Saturday afternoons?

Okay, I'm going to the mall.

Not the one with the bar in it.

at seven, and it's your turn to take Justin to soccer practice.

Mom, I didn't get my driver's license so that I could play chauffeur to some

garden gnome.

We prefer to be called gnomish Americans.

Fine, fine.

You know what? Just lay face down in the back seat so no one can see you.

At least it's not the trunk again.

crack my tooth at the movies.

You know, if they're going to call them jawbreakers, they should put some sort

of warning label on them. You think?

You should have Charlie take a look at that.

Yeah, right.

He hates me. If I sit in that chair of his, he's going to go all marathon man

on me.

Okay, first off, you have no idea the damage that movie has done to the dental

community.

And Charlie is going to be insulted if you go to someone else.

Leone. Hey.

And a poultry shall grow from the face of the devil.

For your information, my teeth hurt.

And now my eyes have joined them.

Charlie, you really should take a look at Faith's tooth. She's in serious pain.

Oh, that's awful.

Put her food in a blender and give her a straw.

Oh, hey, Charlie, there's something on your foot.

Oh!

your relationship sunk this low, but it is time we started acting like a family.

Now, come on. Make up.

Both of you.

Make up or dinner gets it.

Hope not the chicken.

Yeah. Leave the bird alone.

She had nothing to do with this.

So here's what's going to happen.

Charlie, you are going to do your sister-in-law's dental work. And Faith,

you are going to put your trust in your brother-in-law.

Fine.

I'll let you work on my teeth.

Congratulations.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to write a letter to the Jawbreaker people.

And just for added effect, I think I'll tell them that I found an ear in one of

them.

I know what you're thinking.

Sell those to the tabloids and suddenly you're sipping mojitos in Cozumel.

These eyes see everything, sister.

I have no idea who you are.

Let's keep it that way.

And put that damn mirror back.

You certainly made friends among the office staff.

You're not out of here in an hour. They're threatening a hunger strike.

I've seen your office staff.

I'm doing them a favor.

Novocaine should have taken by now.

Do you feel numb?

I think so.

Let's see what the mouth of a hellhound looks like.

Ow! Oh, you can still feel that?

I gave you plenty of Novocaine.

I have a high tolerance for drugs.

Back in the late 80s, I toured with Motley Crue.

Well, can't give you another shot. I guess I could give you some nitrous

oxide. What does that do?

It'll put you in a twilight sleep.

Might make you a little babbly. I will wake up, won't I?

Yeah.

and a promised hope.

Count backwards from 10, please.

10, nine, eight.

I wonder what she'd look like with a shaved head.

34.

Huh?

I'm 34.

My resume says I'm 25, but I'm a liar.

A beautiful, beautiful liar.

Oh, this is going to be interesting.

So, Faith, how does it feel to be a washed-up actress?

Oh, I'm not washed up.

I still got it. But I didn't deserve to win that Emmy.

Then how come you won?

Because it's Hollywood. You don't have to be good.

I love you, Charlie.

What? I know it sounds weird, but I think you're so hot.

Oh, God.

If you can hear this, open up the earth and take me.

Fine, it's a piece of cake. Walk in the park, dance in the clouds.

See? You made a big deal out of nothing.

That's right. It was nothing. Nothing happened. Nothing was said. Just the

usual blood and suction.

Well, I think that's just great. You finally set aside all your pettiness

with faith and you're starting to heal your relationship.

Come here, you silly, sexy orthodontist. Give me a kiss.

I flossed.

Oh, Dr. Shanowski, you are one kick-ass mouth man.

I just took this temporary crown on a little test drive on a ginormous box of

peanut brittle. Now, I may hurl, but this baby handled like a beauty.

Look at you two, acting all civilized to each other. I love this.

I'm beaming. Am I beaming?

So, my man, when do I come in for my permanent crown?

No, no permanent crown.

You don't need a permanent crown. That's just a dental scam so we can charge

people for a second visit.

I'm sick about the whole thing. Let's never talk again.

What's going on with you?

Nothing. I'm just all booked up, okay? And I can't just squeeze her in because

she's your sister.

Oh, honey.

You're constipated again, aren't you?

This is about faith and how she always expects the whole world to revolve

around her, and it doesn't. You see, I've been perfect. I sat in his chair

and I let him work on a pair of famous teeth.

And this is how he treats me?

Hope, I'll be taking dinner in my room tonight and the usual scented oils for

my bath.

Why are you being such a jerk to Faith?

Me? Did you see her, the way she was treating me?

Oh, yeah.

Showering you with praise on your dental work.

Let's just drop it.

You know what gets me?

You know, I always thought it was Faith that was the source of the tension

between you two, but it's not her.

It's you.

You know what?

You may be good at your work, but you're a very bad man.

Oh.

Hey.

Just get a snack.

I'll be out of your way in a second.

I'm sorry about before.

Yeah, well, you kind of threw me.

I thought my cracked molar had patched things up between us.

Actually, it was your lower right second bicuspid. It's a common mistake among

non-pros.

Or non-geeks.

Listen, Hope called me on some things.

So why don't you come by tomorrow and I'll take care of it.

Thanks.

So how about tonight?

You take care of this.

What are you doing?

Come here, you silly, sexy tooth monkey.

Don't touch me, Faith!

for me to get off the ground?

And why'd you kick me?

Sorry.

I guess I got a touch of restless leg syndrome.

You know, RLS.

Night.

Did you say faith?

Honey, please, I just got the legs under control.

Night.

You said faith.

You kicked me out of bed, and you said faith.

It's a symptom of RLS.

Very serious. We really do need a telethon.

I wasn't going to say anything, but when I put Faith under, she sort of blurted

out that she... She loved me.

What? That's right. Came right out and said it in that annoying, breathy way of

hers.

I love you, Charlie.

I'm sorry, honey.

I know that's hard to hear.

funny.

How could you possibly think my sister has feelings for you?

You're always at each other's throats.

It's playground tactics.

You throw the rock at the boy you like. She obviously is harboring some sort of

secret crush on me.

Why is it so hard to believe?

I'm an attractive guy. I get compliments on a semi-daily basis, daily basis

during the summer when the sun streaks my hair and looks all sea-crest.

All right, that's it. I refuse to share this bed with you if you don't believe

me.

and it's wow me.

Morning.

She come down yet?

Because I don't want to tempt her.

Charlie, let it go.

Okay, you don't believe me. I'm going to prove it to you. You watch her body

language when she comes down here to feed.

Right. Well, when she throws you on the table to have her way with you.

Try not to squash the pancakes.

Hi, guys.

Excuse me.

Are you seeing this?

She's shameless.

Okay, this may be one of the lowest moments in our marriage.

Milk? If you're trying to get back on my good side, you can forget it.

I'm still mad at you for blowing off my follow-up. Not that I look forward to

having your stubby little sausage fingers in my mouth again.

I see it now.

Why don't you two go get a room?

Oh, crap.

Look what I did.

Honey, could you...

Drop this off at the cleaner's. Dad, we're eating.

Oh.

Is that organic?

Is this organic?

When do we start getting this?

If you don't mind, I was trying to do the maid.

Dude, what's going on with Dad today?

I don't know. I kind of went blind when he took his shirt off.

This is ridiculous!

Faith is not attracted to you!

And you know how I feel about chest hair in the kitchen!

Yeah, this is all wrong.

Finally! There's no way she's going to display her affection in front of her

sister. Her rival!

Please, tell me this train is headed back to the station.

We have got to recreate the conditions where she first said what she said.

I know I'm right about this.

Follow me into the fire.

Faith, you know I said you didn't need a permanent crown?

Well, I was wrong.

Really? You just come by after breakfast. I'll put you under. It'll be

real quick.

Can I open my eyes now?

Is the shirt back on?

Seven.

Six.

It's all clear.

Can I just go on the record as saying how unethical and stinky I think this

is?

It's completely above board. She really does need to work. And I had to put her

under anyway. Come on.

This stuff is like truth syrup.

Once she starts blabbing...

She won't be able to filter herself at all.

So she'll pretty much be the way she is when she's awake.

I smell detergent.

Is Hope here?

I'm out of here.

You know what?

Two years ago, when you stood in front of your colleagues and you accepted the

Golden Drill Award, I was so proud of you.

But now I'm ashamed.

Ashamed to have that award hanging in our bathroom.

lose your ankle bracelet in high school, Hope.

I sold it for beer money.

Beer's good.

Makes ugly men pretty.

It's my favorite bracelet.

Pull up a chair.

The show's just starting.

And then at your sweet 16 party, while you were organizing the sack race,

I made out with Bobby Chandler. He was my boyfriend.

You had a sack race at your 16th birthday party?

It was a hoedown, all right?

Look, this isn't about Faith and Hope and the saddest birthday party ever.

It's about Faith and Charlie.

Charlie's here?

I love Charlie.

He's so damn handsome.

There, you see? I'm not crazy. I'm handsome.

And I'm not crazy.

But how could that be?

You hate Charlie.

And you're always so mean to him.

Mean to him?

I've never even met him.

Exactly which Charlie are we talking about?

Charlie Gibson.

sexiest morning show host I ever did see.

From Good Morning America. Stay tuned. We'll be right back.

Okay. So she doesn't love you now. But I'm sure she will. Come summer. When

your hair gets all sea-crest.

Alright, alright.

The show's over.

You've got a permanent crown to put in.

You've got twice as much hair as Charlie Gibson.

For what it's worth, you're still the sexiest Charlie in my world.

You promise, and I mean promise, that you won't say anything to her about

this, because Faith will have a field day with it. My lips are sealed.

Seal? I slept with Seal in San Diego.

Oh, I hope she's talking about the singer.

I told her. I'm sorry.

You know how my boundaries get all fuzzy when it comes to keeping secrets from

Faith. Can't believe I let you sleep with me.

I can understand why you thought I was talking about you.

It's the fantasy life of a desperate man.

Yeah, well, my fantasy actually involves you.

And a hiking accident.

Really? Yeah.

Well, why don't you take your shirt off again, because I haven't vomited yet

today. Okay.

Do you know how frustrating it is when two people you love so much can't get

along? And I'm always caught in the middle.

You know what? I wish you two would just... Ah, forget it.

Okay.

Wait.

I guess I could be nice to Faith.

Faith?

How are your teeth?

I hope you are feeling well.

I am feeling well.

It was kind of you to ask.

All right.

Well, that's a start.

I can't believe she bought that.

She's a simple woman.