Original subtitles

Do not make eye contact.

Thanks. Now all I want to do is look at her.

Oh, come on.

All right.

What is wrong, Faith?

Only the greatest injustice in American journalism.

The readers of Soap Opera Daily have voted for the top 100 soap stars of all

time, and I'm not even on the list.

Faith, don't beat yourself up. I'll bet you were 101 or two.

I called. I'm 205.

Tied with daytime's least beloved dog, and I never licked myself in front of

the crew.

Well, you know what? You're the number one soap star in this house.

Like there's any competition around here.

I mean, really, did you see Justin as that tree in the school play? He

couldn't stand still.

I was playing it windy.

You don't understand.

Without my celebrity status, I feel like I'm nothing more than common folk.

Like you people.

And the Amish.

Yes, let's make fun of people who can put up a barn in a day.

Gotta go to work.

Don't forget about tonight.

Oh, way ahead of you. I got the beer, the chips, a hundred bucks on the

Badgers, and you're not talking about the Wisconsin-Iowa game, are you?

Charlie. Tonight's date night. You're supposed to make reservations.

I did.

I will.

Oh, um, just one little question. Can I wear my jersey?

Tasteful sweater. Gotcha.

Come on, kids. Let's go. We don't want to be late for school.

Oh, school.

That's back when I was popular.

Best smile, best hair. Back then, I was on the top of every list.

Dean's List?

No, Dean was a loser.

His dad mowed our lawn.

Aunt Faith, I really need your help with something. I have this really important

term paper due today that I didn't quite finish.

Or start.

So go with a classic. Death in the Family.

I put five cousins and two grandparents in the ground just to graduate middle

school.

Really? That'll work?

Absolutely. And if you need a few more days, just tell them it was a Jewish

relative and you're sitting Shiva.

And as a longtime soap fan, I was upset.

No, no.

I was outraged by your omission of Faith Fairfield from your top... soap stars

list. Period.

You suck.

Signed, Jodie Foster.

Okay, how many letters does that make?

Seven. But I think the one from Ray Charles is going to send up a red flag.

Go print those out. Oh, and check the spelling on Condoleezza.

Aunt Faith, that death in the family thing worked great. I got out of two

papers, gym class, and an assembly on aerosol inhalants.

Was that a how-to or a stay-away-from?

Hello.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Driscoll. Yeah.

Sure. Sure, I'll get her for you.

pretend like your mom? Uh, I don't think so, Sid. It's depressing to be that

perky.

Okay, but... Aunt Faith, you're like the greatest actress I know. I mean, when

you played girl on first date in that Ant Acid commercial, I felt your gas.

That limp wasn't in the script, you know.

All right.

Who died?

You.

You weren't supposed to tell him I died.

Come on, please.

Fine.

Hello?

Yes, we're all in shock to have her taken away from us at the tender age of

25.

How did it happen?

How did I die?

I told them it was a tragic accident. You can make up whatever you want.

Oh, improv.

It's been years.

Yes, Faith met such a tragic end.

While vacationing in Fiji, she went off to rescue a swimmer who had been sucked

away by a riptide.

They never found her body.

Just her bikini.

Her size one bikini.

Yes, we're all in mourning. Oh no, here comes another wave of grief.

Faith, that was great.

Yeah, I know. Lick that dog from days of our lives.

Yes!

You know, honey?

Honey.

When we first talked about doing date night together, I expected something a

little more romantic.

And that's not to knock the free barrel of peanuts at the door.

Well, this is romantic because we're together.

And you look so beautiful tonight.

I mean, I'm just so happy that we... Come on! Too much time! Hide the ball!

And I shaved my legs for this.

Yeah, me too.

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Haley's pregnant.

Yeah, that's nice.

What are you doing? I know... What are you doing?

We finally get a night out alone together and all you care about is a

stupid game.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I mean, come on. I had to sit through that movie about the women and their

damn quilting club.

I didn't have the benefit of alcohol.

This is Channel 74 Newsbreak. We have unconfirmed reports that local celebrity

Faith Fairfield has been lost at sea off the coast of Egypt.

will share their rise to fame and fans' shocked reactions.

God, what has she done now?

Oh, why does she have to do it during a touchdown?

Let's go home.

See? See? She's alive.

God, this evening just keeps getting worse and worse.

So you saw it?

It's pretty cool, huh? I'm all over the news.

Even the Spanish channel. Soy muerto, joven.

Why were they saying you were dead?

It's a funny story, really.

Sydney told her teacher I died because she needed an extension on a paper. You

know, normal kid stuff.

She did what?

She is so grounded. Hey, go easy on the girl. She did me a favor. I'm back on

TV.

As a dead person.

Faith, I know you wish you were still famous, but this is just wrong.

Hope, this morning nobody cared about me. Now I'm back in the public eye. I

should have died when I first moved here.

Are you familiar with the phrase, preaching to the choir?

Faith, you have to straighten this out right now.

Hope, I haven't felt like this in years.

Please.

Just let me go to bed tonight feeling like I'm worth something.

And then in the morning, I swear I'll come clean.

Look at me! Hope I have nothing!

Well, I... I guess one night wouldn't hurt.

Okay. I just want to go on the record as saying, I think this is nuts. That's

right! The record!

Dad, there's a bunch of weirdos on our front lawn holding candles.

My loyal soap fans, I knew it. If you kill her, they will come.

A tube of cookie dough.

We're going to make sticky bombs.

We're outside the Shanowski residence, where it's day two of a continuing vigil

for the late Faith Fairfield.

Can I help you? Sorry to interrupt, but would you mind if I used your bathroom?

Forget it. Oh, come on.

Numero uno.

No, get out of here.

If you want me to keep going along with this, then you have to die for real.

Yeah, hey, it's time to end this. You've had your fun.

This isn't about fun anymore, Hope. I was up all night thinking about it.

I could actually make this my comeback.

What are you talking about?

It's a slow news week. The press is hungry to latch on to some kind of

story, and my death could be it.

Um, small detail.

You're not dead.

I've figured out a way.

I'll wait until the media coverage hits its peak, and then, when the time is

right, I'll reveal myself, and my soap fans will demand my return to daytime

television.

Yeah, that's great, Faith, except you left out the part where everyone's going

to hate you for lying to them.

Oh, yeah, Charlie?

Yeah.

Maybe you never heard about another young man that everyone thought was

dead, only to rise up and become more popular than ever in the hearts of

mankind.

Are you comparing yourself to Jesus?

John Travolta.

Faith, these people aren't stupid.

Where are you going to tell them you were?

Simple. I'm going to emerge wearing a seaweed bikini, clutching a weathered

volleyball that was my only companion.

Dr.

Shanowski, would you like to make a statement about your sister-in-law?

She was a pain in the ass.

And I'm glad she's gone.

She's your sister, you deal with them. And if you will check the record, you'll

see, I was against this.

Okay, Faith, come on.

You're going out there and you're telling them the truth. No, I don't

wanna. Come on, it's like pulling off a Band-Aid. It'll take two seconds and

it'll feel much better. This isn't my virginity, Hope. This is my life.

Fine, I'm going out there and I'm telling them the truth. No, no, no, you

can't do that. You have to play the role of the grieving sister. Just act like

you're upset.

Forget it.

It's unethical.

And I'm not an actress.

My bedroom window is right across from yours.

Believe me?

You're a gifted actress.

Okay, look, now's not really a good time. Tell us, how did you feel when you

got news of your sister's untimely death?

Is it hard to accept that she's gone?

No, because the truth is, she's not really gone.

So you're still holding out hope she'll be found?

Oh, well, I'm quite sure she'll be found.

No, you're an inspiration.

Oh, my God.

I know you.

You're Ted Phillips. So how are you staying so poised and graceful through

all this?

Oh, well, I don't think I'm graceful.

Poise I inherited from my daddy.

Wrap it up, Hope.

You know, I did take ballet as a child. That probably helped with my posture.

My overall comportment, really.

Comportment? That's not even a word.

Hope Janowski, ex-ballerina, pillar of strength.

Of course I'm anxious for my sister's body to

be recovered. You know, foreclosure.

I don't consider myself a hero.

I just consider myself a sister.

And a member of the human race.

Hi. God, there's got to be one channel without Hope on it.

Being grounded

sucks. Did you know that I'm missing the biggest party of the year tonight?

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'm trapped in here, Plague Dead. Your mom's out there stealing the hearts

of my fans.

If she ever fakes her own death, I am so getting her back.

Hey, you're never gonna believe it. The deli named a sandwich after Hope.

The Hope and cheese.

Yeah, well, let me guess what's in it. A big slice of ham, lots of bologna, and

other pork products fit for a camera hog?

Ever since you died, you've been a big crankpot.

Well, I gotta get going.

Friends taking me to the Ohio State game to help get my mind off your death.

Everything's working out great. I couldn't be happier if you actually

died.

Enjoy your press conference, honey.

Press conference?

I go live at noon.

So I have to be in hair and makeup at 11.30.

Could you make the kids lunch? Thanks.

I can't believe you agreed to do a press conference.

You can't say no to Fritz Geller.

The man's an institution.

He healed Glen Falls after OJ.

Besides, I'm going to give him an exclusive on my new cookbook idea.

A dash of tragedy.

A pinch of hope.

You are disgusting.

You know, first you get all chummy with the reporters and now you're trying to

hawk some stupid cookbook. The body's not even cold yet.

The body's standing right...

The mailman said we should get a P.O. box if all these letters keep coming for

Mom. And here's a sympathy bouquet from Condoleezza Rice.

Hope floats above tragedy?

You made the cover of Soap Opera Daily?

Okay, that is...

Guess who just washed up on shore?

No, no.

No, Faith. Not now.

This has all been so good for your career.

You don't care about my career. You're just leeching off my fame.

Fame? You were nothing until you were dead.

I am spinning in my grave right now.

the size of the dust bunny under that desk. What? Where?

It's Faith!

Yes, everyone, it's me.

I'm alive.

Yes, yes.

And on behalf of myself and our entire family, we're so glad Faith's back.

Yes, that's right.

I was lost at sea, but now I'm back.

It's a harrowing tale of...

Courage and survival with the appropriate smattering of sex.

Coming so close to death helped me realize what's really important.

My fans, my soap opera career. And her family. That's why I plan to include all

our secret family recipes in my new cookbook.

Which, by the way, needs a publisher.

So now you're a cookbook writer?

Because before I died, you were just a bargain basement caterer.

Yeah. And who are you?

Some... Washed up actress so desperate for success she faked her own death?

If I were you, I would not start a dialogue about faking things, especially

since you keep your bedroom windows open at night.

You know what?

You just can't stand when someone else gets all the attention.

It's just like when you pushed me down the stairs before that high school

talent show. I said it then and I will say it now.

No one wants to hear Stairway to Heaven on the harp.

Tiffany Moore, Channel 12. Can we get back to why we're here?

Hope, if you knew your sister was lying, why didn't you set the record straight?

That's an excellent question, Tiff.

Hope.

No comment.

Mentirosa. Queremos la verdad.

¿Por qué hiciste esto? Estamos aquí esperando días y días y días.

You two are the biggest liars in town, but I get grounded for a little lie?

I wonder where I learned it.

You know, I have a good mind to call child services.

You know what? She's right.

I can't believe I let you drag me into this. Oh, come on. You loved being on

camera. And the way you sucked up to those reporters. Oh, Dad, Fritz, Javier.

That was Esteban.

But I guess I did kind of like it.

Mm-hmm, all that attention, everyone hanging on every word I said, and the

things I got away with.

I mean, at the supermarket, they waved me through the express line, and I was

three items over the limit.

Please, at the height of my fame, I stole someone's dog, and they let me

keep it.

I finally get it, why you can't let go of your fame.

I mean, you lived in the spotlight for years.

I mean, you were constantly adored.

And now look at you.

I mean, how do you get up in the morning?

Well, you have made tomorrow more difficult.

No, I really admire you.

You've made a huge adjustment.

Well, thanks for understanding.

I'm sorry I pulled your hair.

I'm sorry I pulled your pants down.

At least one of us wears underwear.

Where have you been?

The game ended hours ago.

My friend's wife called during the game with the news that Faith faked her

death.

Turns out when you lie your way into 50-yard line tickets, people don't want

to give you a ride home.

So you had to walk home? Yep.

Hey, would it make you feel any better to see Hope on TV in her underwear?

Not really.

She's wearing her granny undies.

All right, I'm in.