Original subtitles

Well, thanks for another great night.

And bye. Thanks for another great night. I assume you're not asking me out. See?

It's that intuition that makes you a great newsman.

All right, but I'm telling you, a couple more nights like this, and I'm taking

Susie Nesman to the prom.

I hear she'll go to second base for a slushie.

Look,

I promise I'm worth the wait.

Have you ever heard of the horizontal running man?

I think your sister's spying on us.

Only because she's in love with you.

She couldn't care less about me.

I've been replaced by Grace, the Stepford caterer, who probably never

drinks on the job or tries to sleep with the clients.

The way Hope does.

All right.

Good night, Faye.

What are you doing?

Cleaning. Before.

With my nightgown.

Well, I just came to get a soda.

Good night. So you and Larry have been seeing a lot of each other.

Although you haven't invited him up yet.

So I'm guessing you're not over the gooch.

Or you're doing it in the car.

I am so over the Gooch, I tore up Charlie's rookie baseball card of him.

What? That card is worth $300.

And I couldn't care less.

Do you know why?

Because Gooch is a womanizing creep who will swing his bat around at anything?

Exactly.

And Larry's handsome, successful, sensitive.

Sexy.

He's even sexier than Ted Koppel.

What? You don't think Ted Koppel's sexy?

You have a newsman fetish. I really do.

I miss this.

You know, talking.

Really?

What about the business? Do you miss me at work?

Of course I do.

Hey! I saw your light was on. I just had to show you our...

Hope and Grace catering?

Well, um, see, our business has been booming, and Grace has been so helpful,

I thought I should make her a partner.

I was going to tell you.

Oh!

Why would you do that? You know, you could just put her on the side of a van!

Well, I suppose I could have announced it on live TV, like you did.

When you took your weather girl job. I thought you didn't care about that. I

don't. Neither do I. Good. Fine.

Well, I should get to bed.

I'm on storm watch tomorrow. Oh, but Grace.

I'd be careful on the morning commute if I were you.

If you're looking for Grace, she isn't here. Why don't you check up your butt?

I just came over because someone ripped Grace's name off the van last night, and

I'm pretty sure it was you.

And why would I do that?

Because you feel replaced, and I think you're lonely.

This just in. Larry Walker scores!

Oh.

Hi.

Hey, Larry. Hey.

It's funny, because, uh...

Charlie has those same boxers. Well, not exactly the same.

The stitching's a little different around the... Oh, whatever.

I'll be on my way.

I am so glad that you called me and had me come back last night.

Well, what can I say? It's been three weeks.

I'm not a nun.

Although you do have the outfit.

Why don't I cook dinner for us tonight at my house?

Listen, Larry.

Last night was amazing.

Especially for you.

But just because I rocked your world doesn't mean I want you to get all gaga

over me.

Especially at work. I mean, let's keep it professional.

At least until my benefits kick in.

Great.

Casual.

Discreet. I like the way you think.

See you at work.

No goodbye kiss?

And that's one very special Glen Falls citizen who is not 100 years old.

He's 100 years young.

And now it's time to check on the weather with our very own Faith

Fairfield. Our very own?

Getting a little possessive, aren't we, Larry?

Actually, I just read that off the cue card. Did you?

Yes, I did. Right there, see?

Oh. Was there anything else on that cue card? Like you don't want me seeing

other anchormen?

No.

But does cream corn contain the cure for cancer? Our own Dr.

Israel Hershowitz seems to think so. The doctor is in right after the weather.

Faith?

Fine.

There's a cold front moving in. Wear your coat, because it's going to get

awfully chilly.

Back to you, bad in bed.

We'll be right back after these words.

We're clear.

What was that about? Me?

You were the one who just questioned my bedroom skills on live TV in front of

dozens of viewers.

You were the one that was ignoring me.

I was doing the news, and you're the one who said, okay, let's keep it casual so

I don't go all gaga.

Well, if you believe that, Larry, then you don't know the first thing about

women.

Although, you do know the second thing, which is we love flowers.

Unfortunately, two of the tenants were unable to evacuate the building fast

enough and suffered severe burn... Burns over 70%

of their... of their body.

We'll be right back after this.

And we're clear.

I'd like to have you over 70% of my body. Can I see you behind the set for a

second? You read my mind. Now prepare to read my lips.

I

have a

little present for you.

What is this, the key to your heart?

No, you've already got that.

That's the key to my house.

Oh, I already had one made last week when you were in the shower.

Well, that is the official one.

I know it's only been six weeks that we've been seeing each other, but I love

you, Faith.

I want you to move in with me.

Uh, you're still Mike, Larry.

I love you, too, my boogly-woogly bear.

You're still my two-face, but let me be the first to congratulate you.

Make way. Coming through.

It's not like she's moving in with him.

I was wrong. So very, very wrong.

Now, Hope, about my $50 security deposit.

You owe me $11,000.

All right, we'll call it even.

Look what I found in Aunt Faith's room.

I've never seen purple handcuffs before.

Oh, um, well, uh... I've seen your leopard skin ones.

And the ones with those spikes. Okay, give me those.

Mom, where's the TV?

Faith, you tried to steal our TV?

Hey, I watch it the most.

getting so grumpy about i thought you'd be happy to get rid of me and that awful

wedding china you took my china aha so you are happy to get rid of me no

i do not want to get rid of you in fact i think you're moving too fast with

larry look hope i am 30 years old

i don't have time to take it slow and larry's a great guy

i love him

And he loves me.

So you're completely over the Gooch?

Please. If he walked through that door right now, I wouldn't give him the time

of day.

Hey.

Who's moving?

515.

Gooch.

What are you doing here?

I love you, Faith.

And I can't live without you.

Nah, just kidding.

Nah, I sold my house, so I gotta pack up and get back to Japan in two days.

Who's moving out here?

All right, honey, a few more boxes, and it's off to our love shack.

And Hope, thanks for those dining room chairs.

Gooch,

this is her boyfriend.

who she's moving in with as we speak.

Gary, the Goots Goochares.

Larry Walker.

Big fan.

Man, you're tearing it up over there in Japan.

Thanks.

So, you're moving in together.

Jeez, Faith, that's the sort of thing you might want to tell a former

neighbor. Oh, yeah?

Well, from what I heard, you got yourself a new neighbor.

And from the pictures I saw, looks like a skanky ho-bag.

She's not my neighbor.

I just borrowed a cup of sugar.

For publicity reasons.

I'm sure you use that sugar to make sweet, sweet, unprotected pancakes

together.

Well, Gary, Gooch, good to meet you.

Yeah, you too, Harry.

Uh, Larry.

Whatever.

So, how long was the Gooch your boyfriend?

Oh, no, no, no, no. No, no, he was not my boyfriend.

It was strictly a sexual thing.

I'm sorry.

I thought that would make it easier.

Not so much, no.

Look, it seems so ridiculous now.

I mean, just seeing him again, he is so clearly not the one.

And you so are.

You sure?

I am so sure.

I will then take the first load over to my place.

Our place.

Oh, my

God. I am so not sure. Hope, upstairs, now!

Oh, my God.

The gooch is back. Faith is moving out.

I'm walking on air.

I'm sorry.

I'd throw myself on my own bed, but it's currently in the back of a van on its

way to the home of a man I'm not sure I want to live with anymore.

Faith!

Pull yourself together.

You said it yourself.

You're 30...

But what if I'm supposed to be with the Gooch? You know, just seeing him again

brought back all those old feelings.

Well, snap out of it!

Look.

He sold his house.

I think that's a pretty good indication that, as I see in baseball, the Gooch is

going, going, gone!

That's it.

I'm calling Madam Elizabeth.

Who? My psychic-slash-bikini-waxer. You are not calling your psychic.

You're right.

She'll know I'm in trouble, and she'll call me.

In the meantime, I gotta go talk to the gooch.

Wait!

Let's go to the bathroom. Your mascara's running. You don't want to see the gooch

looking like that.

Thank you.

Wait a minute.

My mascara isn't running. Everyone knows I don't cry real tears.

Wait, wait, wait.

Let me look at those nails.

Ah, check out those cuticles. Diss.

Disgusting!

What's this?

What are you doing? Protecting you from yourself.

Wait, Hope!

Hope, get back here!

Paging Madam Elizabeth.

Paging Madam Elizabeth.

It's Faith. I'm in trouble.

Over.

Now listen here.

You think you can just waltz back in here and expect Faith to just drop

everything for you, you smooth operator?

I hope you think I'm smooth.

The last thing Faith needs right now is another fling.

Why do you think she hasn't gone back to Hollywood besides the fact she was asked

not to return?

Because what she wants right now is to settle down and have a normal life.

Yeah, well, what if I still have feelings for her?

Stuff them!

Because what she wants is marriage, commitment, babies.

Are you ready for all those things?

I didn't think so.

Should I ask about the shower door?

Charm bracelet.

My birthstone.

Look, Gooch.

I just gotta know before I move in with Larry.

Do you still have feelings for me?

Look, what we had was great. It was... It was, uh... Just a fling.

You know me. I'm a smooth operator.

Did Hope tell you to say that?

Yeah.

But listen, it's true.

You deserve to be happy with Harry.

Larry. Whatever.

All right.

You made yourself crystal clear.

Guess I'll be going now.

No hard feelings?

No hard feelings.

I'll just be leaving now with my head held high and my shower door

tucked under my arm.

So, how'd it go?

You were right about the gooch.

It's over.

I'm moving in with Larry.

It's not going to be the same without you around here.

Well, why don't you see if Grace wants to move out of your butt and into my

place?

She's not moving into your place.

Not here.

Not in the business.

Not in my heart.

That's not what it says on the side of your van.

Okay, so I made a mistake.

She's driving me crazy.

I'm gonna miss you.

I'm gonna miss you, too.

We'll see each other all the time, right?

Right.

And you're only two stops left away. I know, but it feels like three.

Can I just have a minute to say goodbye to my room?

Sure.

Goodbye, spot where my bed used to be.

No jumping on the bed, Faith! Sorry, Hope.

my light switch that I never quite figured out what you were connected to.

Bye, Gooch.

Gooch!

What are you doing here?

Don't move in with Larry.

What?

Why shouldn't I?

Because I love you.

And I want you to come back to Japan with me.

But what about what you said?

That it was just a fling?

Well, the truth is, a day hasn't passed that I didn't think about you.

Except for that week-long socky bender.

But even then, I remember coming to and thinking I saw your image in a pool of

my own... well, vomit.

Oh, Gooch.

That is so sweet.

Stop it.

I don't know what I'm gonna do now.

I'm really confused.

Maybe this will help you.

Hey, what the hell is going on?

Wait a minute.

You're not Larry.

This isn't what it looks like. It was just a peck.

Uh, Faith, I think this is your gum.

Look, I wasn't kissing him. He was kissing me.

Can I get my gum back?

Well, now that everybody has their gum, I have a moving van

outside that's full of all your stuff, Faith.

Would you like to tell me where I'm unloading it? Because right now I'm

thinking the side of Route 9.

I'm confused.

Why don't you call me when you're unconfused?

Now, where were we?

Don't.

Oh, yeah, you're right, I'm... I'm sorry, I'm being insensitive. You need a

little time.

Okay, where were we?

What is the matter with you?

You are so full of yourself.

You think that just because when you kiss me, my toes tingle and my knees

buckle that I'm going to throw away everything I have with Larry to be with

you? Hell yeah, I'm the gooch.

I think you should go.

Okay.

I suppose he could have just seen a UFO.

But he's probably upset because he just walked in on the Gooch and me kissing.

What? Why were you kissing the Gooch? So you're just ruling out the UFO.

Babe!

I don't know what to do.

I think I'm in love with both of them.

I understand your dilemma.

The Gooch is charming and handsome.

And a lying, cheating, womanizing creep.

So you think I should be with the gooch? No!

I think you should be with Larry.

Who's also charming and handsome.

But honest and faithful.

Besides, he's already got your stuff.

you something.

One minute warning, people.

Thank you for coming to work with me today.

I just didn't want to face Larry alone.

What? You said it was take your sister to work day.

Look.

There he is.

Hi, Larry.

Remember Hope?

I called you last night. You did?

Oh, you mean Faith.

I know, but you told me not to call you unless I wasn't confused.

So I guess we've got nothing to talk about.

Larry, Faith, take your positions.

Oh, come on, Larry. Just talk to me for a second, please.

What am I supposed to say?

Listen, I love you.

I'm not confused about that.

It's just that seeing the Gucci gang brought back some old feelings.

For all I know, he hopped on a plane back to Japan and we can put all of

this... Behind you.

I was going to say behind us.

No, behind you.

In three, two... Good morning, and welcome to Good Day Glen Falls.

We'll get to the day's headlines in a minute, but first, we have a surprise

guest. Gary the Gooch Goochares is here.

It's such an honor to have a world-famous mediocre baseball player in

the house.

Thanks, Larry. That means a lot coming from a cheesy third-rate local anchor,

man.

So, Gooch, how about an interview?

I know how you like to open your mouth, especially around our weather girl.

Sure, Larry. You know me. I'm not one to hold my tongue, especially around your

weather girl.

Oh, let's just put these in some water.

Numbers. Two, four, six, eight. Oh, come on now, Faith. You had your one-on-one

with Gooch last night.

Now it's my turn.

So, Gooch, you've been playing in Japan.

Still the shortest guy on the team.

But not just on the baseball field.

Do we have that photo of Gooch and Kira Akimoto?

Oh.

There it is.

That photo was just a publicity stunt.

Oh, please. My top falling off on the red carpet at the 97 Emmys, that was a

publicity stunt.

I must say, you and Kira do make a pretty hot couple. Well, speaking of

pretty, do you always wear this much makeup, Larry?

It's for the cameras, Gary.

Well, I have to say, that mascara just brings out your eyes.

Do you want a piece of me, little leaguer? Anytime, Tinkerbell.

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

So sorry, Faith. Are you okay?

I don't know.

Come here.

Come closer.

Okay.

Yeah, I feel a little better now.

You two should be ashamed of yourselves.

She's confused.

And all this macho man stuff is not helping.

She needs to make a choice.

She can't.

She's torn.

Gooch, she loves you because you're exciting.

And unpredictable.

Like when you hit me just now, I didn't see that one coming.

And Larry, she loves you because you're thoughtful and romantic and have very

broad shoulders with thick, strong thighs.

both of you individually oh like the bachelorette actually that's not a bad

idea here's what i propose one date with each of you chaperone by me so that

there's no hanky-panky after which faith will make her choice

Here's to a beautiful life together.

Oh, good.

This is so romantic.

It really is.

This veal piccata is outstanding.

I'd love to have the recipe.

I'm sorry, it's my mom's. She swore me to secrecy.

I see.

Doesn't share with others.

Shut up.

So, Gooch, what kind of life can you offer Faith?

Marriage, children, fidelity.

Oh, and at your leisure, if you could provide us with a urine sample.

You look like you're kind of a toker.

I saw those Grateful Dead CDs.

Look, Faith, I want to hold you every night and hug you every morning.

I want to make a life with you.

And have beautiful children together.

How's three sound?

Like I'd be tucking my boobs into my underpants.

You can't expect me to look like this after three kids.

I mean, come on.

Look at Hope.

I think Hope's body looks great.

This is a ticket to Tokyo.

It leaves tomorrow night at nine.

I love you.

Come back with me.

Oh, Gooch.

Oh, Coach, write that down.

And I have a surprise.

I looked on your fan site, and I saw that you loved the tango.

So I took some lessons.

May I have this dance?

In the kissing section, write down, Holy Mother of God.

Yeah, Larry, this is Hope.

We need to talk about your date with Faith.

Yeah, cancel that hayride.

You're going to have to turn it up a notch.

You see me pop that guy when his gun jammed? He was all crying and begging

for mercy, and I made him think he was going to get away, and then I shot him

in the back. Now what, sucker?

All right.

We'll let you bungee jump in. Talk about a rush. Woo!

I had no idea you had this adventurous side.

What do you mean? I'm crazy.

This one time in Anchorman School, I gave Peter Jennings a wedgie.

It's pretty obvious that you're wonderful and any woman in the world

would be lucky to have you.

So I guess the real question is, why Faith?

Why Faith?

Oh, when she giggles and laughs and curls up in my arms,

I feel like my heart's going to explode.

Making you happy is the best feeling I've ever had.

Wow.

And Faith, if that means...

Staying in Glen Falls and raising a family or going back to Hollywood so you

can restart your career. It doesn't matter to me as long as we're together.

Oh, Larry.

If you don't kiss him, I will.

Hey, listen.

Listen, they stopped.

Let's go capture their flag.

You go first.

We'll cover you.

I'm more confused now than ever.

I thought that Gooch wasn't romantic, but he is.

And I thought that Larry wasn't exciting, but he is.

I don't know who to choose.

That's why I thought I should seek professional help. I see.

Torn between two lovers.

That will be my regular $45 tarot reading fee, which includes lip wax.

Now remember, dear, I only accept cash, traveler's checks.

Or twice a month you can pick up a package for me at the bus depot.

All right, don't scream.

What's going on down here?

I'm seeing the initial J.

No.

A. No.

R? Uh-uh.

K?

I'm N.O.P.? Look,

I've got goosebumps.

This is ridiculous. She's not psychic.

Oh, really?

Then how did I know you have a quarter behind your ear?

Now, as you can see, Faith, I've drawn the three of wands, the four of cups,

the five of swords, and the devil.

What does it mean?

I don't know. What am I, psychic?

I like that joke.

What am I, psychic?

That's a good one. Now, Faith.

I see one of these men is your soulmate. See, Hope?

And one of these men you're going to marry.

Wait a minute. I'm not going to marry my soulmate?

I don't write the cards, dear. I just read them.

Blackjack!

I just want to be with my soulmate.

Which one is which?

Can't you give me a hint?

I'll try.

Is one of them a Taurus?

Uh, no.

Gooch is a Scorpio, and Larry is a Gemini.

But wait a minute.

Gooch drives a Taurus.

Could that be it?

It could be possible.

Oh, my God.

Gucci's my soulmate. I'm going to Japan. This is crazy.

And so is she.

Low blow, Hope.

You may have your doubts about me, but the cards never lie.

Here, draw one.

Never mind.

I miss Faith already.

Me too. Now everything's gonna be my fault again.

I can't believe she's moving to Japan with the Gooch.

I won't rest until she's in the air.

Hey, Larry.

Talk break, man.

We've all been there.

Hey, Larry.

Hey. I know Faith is going to Japan, but I just wanted to say goodbye in person.

I'm sorry. She already left.

Oh.

Wow, this is the worst birthday ever.

What? Today's your birthday?

May 6th? Yeah.

We have to go catch Faith before she gets on that plane.

Why?

I see one of these men is your soulmate.

And one of these men you're going to marry.

I'm not going to marry my soulmate.

Faith?

Hey, Faith.

Huh? We got a board.

Oh.

So, you never told me.

Why'd you pick me?

I mean, besides my dashing good looks, my easy charm, and my super awesome

modesty.

Um, well, I just realized you were my soulmate.

It's actually a funny story. You know your car?

I don't have a car.

Your Taurus? No, that was just a rental.

A rental?

Yeah. So what's the funny story?

It's slightly less funny now.

Pete! Oh.

Larry.

What are you doing here?

Happy birthday to you. No!

He isn't a Gemini.

He's a Taurus.

Taurus, you are my soulmate.

Hey, you just said I was your soulmate.

Sorry, Gooch, but Larry is a Taurus, and you just rent one.

Faith, you cannot go to Japan.

We belong together.

But I don't want to live with you.

I want to marry you.

Oh, my God.

You want to marry me?

Yeah.

Then you can't be my soulmate. That's right.

That's right.

I am.

Okay, look, I was going to do this real romantic, like, you know, on the

Jumbotron.

Faith, I love you with all my heart.

Will you marry me?

Oh no, you too?

Isn't there anyone here that just wants to sleep with me with no strings

attached?

Faith?

Faith?

What are you gonna do?

The only thing I can do.