Original subtitles

Hey, kiddo.

Look, Hope, there's a short list of things I swore I'd never do, and this is

right up there with the surreal life.

I thought you tried to get on that show last year. Damn Webster stole my spot.

What's going on?

The school board tried to pass a motion that would bring fast food and vending

machines into the cafeteria to save money. But Mom convinced them to let her

and Aunt Faith cater nutritious lunches for the same price.

It's only for a month, and if we're successful, they'll carry on the program

without us. It'll be great for our company's public image. What about my

public image?

Oh, what public image? They even took your picture down at the dry cleaners.

Yeah? Well, I'm still up at the grocery store.

Yeah, right underneath the sign that says, do not accept checks from this

woman.

Mom, Dad bought pastry buddies.

Pastry buddies?

Charlie, I thought we agreed to set an example. We're trying to get the kids to

eat healthy.

Hope! I am a grown man. If I want to eat rock and raspberry pastry buddies, then

I should be able to.

Plus, three more proofs of purchase, I get a freaky flying frisbee.

Dad, giving up sweets is all about mental toughness. It wasn't easy for me

to throw away my Halloween candy, but I did it.

Don't listen to her, Dad. She eats fruit for a snack. She's a freak.

No, your mom's right.

No more pastry buddies.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Kathy.

Is Sydney home yet?

Not yet.

No, she's not home yet.

Okay. You keep it real, too.

Hey, Lee.

Your sister's been coming home late a lot from school.

You're the hall monitor.

Has she been hanging out with anybody weird lately?

I don't know, Mom. She stays out of my hall ever since I instituted the three

strikes law.

There you are.

Where have you been?

Kathy's house.

Really? That's strange.

Because Kathy just called looking for you. Well, not Kathy Thomas. Kathy

Johnson.

Now, can I go upstairs, or are you going to have Haley write me up for having

more than one friend named Kathy?

Don't take this out on Haley. She's a tattletale. No, she's not.

She'd rat me out on the pastry buddies.

Here's my letter of resignation. I think that will cover all my grievances.

I don't want to be a stinky old lunch lady with you.

Sincerely, Faith Fairfield.

Dictated, but not read.

A lunch lady?

At my school?

Are we poor?

No.

It's just for a month. Don't you want hot, nutritious lunches? Oh, they're

hot, nutritious lunches. Well, this is good news, then.

Well, good luck tomorrow, Hope.

Fine. I'll do it myself.

But since I'm going to be working full time for the next month, I'm going to

need you to take over my tour list.

Piece of cake.

That's just Monday.

There's Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.

What are you doing?

I'm making a mole.

Some of us have to work a little harder to pull off the lunch lady look.

Now, how's my hunchback?

Drive each other crazy, it's true.

Crazy. But I can't imagine my life without you.

Sisters, we're the brand new stars.

Sisters, we've come so far.

Sisters, there's no better way to be.

You and me.

Okay, our challenge is to make healthy food hip. We need to put the teen back

into protein.

Yeah, Hope.

That ought to get him to eat your asparagus spears.

Those aren't just asparagus spears. Those are Britney asparagus spears.

Another satisfied customer.

Hey, honey.

Listen, lunch lady, when you're at my school, you don't know me. Got it?

Okay.

Would you care for a slice of Lindsay Lohan?

No, and would you please stop calling the food by celebrity names? It's really

embarrassing.

a little sick of her attitude.

Hope, have some compassion.

Your mother becoming the lunch lady is the most traumatic thing that can happen

to you in high school.

Next to taking your cousin to the senior prom.

Okay, he was a second cousin, and you're the one who made out with him in the

back of the limo.

I hope.

Still jealous after all these years.

Go bust some trays.

What does Mrs. Winters, the math teacher, wear under her shirt? What,

Kathy? An algebra.

Oh, Kathy Johnson, queen of the math jokes, strikes again.

Excuse me.

You're Kathy Johnson?

Yeah. Yeah, why?

You've been hanging out with Sidney Shanowski?

The Sidney Shanowski? Oh, she wouldn't be caught dead with me.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I think I would remember solving the equation for popularity.

Gabby, stop!

She is lying.

Sydney is up to something.

Hey, where's your mother?

I think she's in the bathroom.

We have a problem.

I knew it. We're out of Snoop Veggie dogs.

I thought I needed ten packs, but I panicked and only bought eight.

No, it's bigger than that.

I just met Kathy Johnson, and she's a complete loser.

There is no way Sydney's been going to her house. Now, my guess is she's fallen

in with a gang.

Oh, I hope she's a crib. She looks so good in blue.

Hey, Sidney, is it true that your mom's the new lunch lady?

No. My mom is dead.

It's Sidney and her gang.

Hey, Emily, check the stalls.

It's all clear.

Oh, my God.

They're smoking.

Or maybe they're burning their gang. into their arms.

We gotta take them down now. On my lead.

Freeze!

Smoke breaks over, buttheads.

Ha! I caught you.

Doing what?

Secondhand smoking.

I cannot believe you're spying on me. Yeah, well, I can't believe you lied to

me about being at Kathy Johnson's house. How do you know I wasn't at her house?

Because everyone knows Kathy Johnson is a complete loser.

Yeah,

that's kind of scar.

Don't you think you've ruined enough lives for one day?

Can we go now, lunch lady?

No. What is wrong with you girls? These things kill you.

Don't you want to grow up someday and marry a nice... vampire?

Give me those.

Now get out of here!

Hey! Is someone smoking in there?

Let's flush these.

Freeze!

Not to mention against the rules.

Booker Haley!

caught smoking in the girls' room.

What? You were smoking?

No.

I guess she heard Britney Asparagus Spears does it and thinks it's cool.

It's not Hope.

It's Lindsay Lameham.

Oh, I'm Sydney. I'm sorry about today. Can we talk?

Yeah, all right. I'll meet you in the bathroom in five minutes. That should

give you and Aunt Faith enough time to hide.

I'll take the tub. You take the hamper. Oh, wait.

You take the hamper. We'll never get your ass out of the tub.

What's going on?

Sidney thinks the only reason we're catering lunch is to spy on her.

Well, look, no teenager wants her mother working at their school. You have to be

extra careful to respect her privacy.

Uh, a word of advice, if I might?

Back when I was a parent to a little turtle named Tommy...

I gave him his privacy, and do you know what happened?

He died.

Because you didn't feed him.

Real nice, Hope.

Here I am trying to help, and all you do is turn around and call me a turtle

murderer?

Like 28 years of guilt isn't enough suffering?

Well, fine. Forget I said anything, but good luck trying to flush Sidney down

the toilet.

I'll have some green beans, ma'am. Of course you don't.

Faith. Who's Faith?

I'm Zoe.

I'm from the OC.

What's up?

Faith. Shh.

I'm trying to infiltrate Sydney's inner circle of friends.

I'm going to find the weakest link and make her talk.

Okay, I don't want any part of this. I'm going to give Sydney her space.

I agree. You should keep your distance. That's why I swiped Justin's walkie

-talkies.

Hot lunch to tater tot. Cover me. I'm going in.

Faith? Faith?

Zoe?

Hot lunch. Get back here.

Hey.

What's up?

I'm Zoe.

I'm new here.

So, like, you guys want to go to the mall after class and, like, max out our

parents' credit cards?

I just got my license. I can so totally drive.

I'll be 17 in two weeks.

Wait, aren't you the lunch lady?

Uh, no.

Wait, you're Sydney's aunt.

No, Sydney's aunt is this washed up soap opera actress who lives in a garage.

It's a luxury loft like a garage and she's just waiting for the right script.

I read that on her blog.

There's Sydney now. She's with her love tutor.

Love tutor?

Mm-hmm. Isn't that guy like a teacher?

Yeah, his name is Mr. Logan. He's our new science teacher.

He works with Sydney every day after school.

Why is Sydney failing science?

I don't know, but she's acing sex ed.

Oh, my God.

Hot lunch is hater time. Made it! Made it!

Listen, I don't want you to panic, but Sydney's having an affair with her

science teacher. What?

Oh, look.

Dangerous chemicals.

Wait, stop that. What are you doing? Don't do that. Faith.

Okay, how much will you give me if I drink this? Faith, stop. Give me that.

Okay,

Sydney is not having an affair with her science teacher.

Yeah? Well, fine. We'll just wait here and confront him and find out.

There he is.

Sydney, have you told your parents that you've been seeing me?

No, I don't want my mom to find out.

Well, she's going to get suspicious when you suddenly start getting A's.

I can't believe it.

You were right.

I can't believe it.

I'm right.

I mean, you have some serious family problems, but...

Gotta put a stop to this. For all we know, his next lesson could be

photosynthesis.

There's nothing dirty about that.

Oh, really?

Really?

What do you mean, getting A's?

Congratulations. You aced the midterm.

Thank you, Mr.

Logan. I never could have done this without you tutoring me.

This was all you, Sydney.

You're smarter than you think.

Please. Guy tried to tell me I was smart once. I saw right through that.

Wait a minute.

I think she's really been studying.

Sydney, you could even make the honor roll someday if you just apply yourself.

This A proves you've got a lot of potential.

That's what I always tell her. You sound just like my mom.

So why not tell her you're getting tutored?

Because she'd...

I think I was just doing it because you're cute.

That's nice of you to say, but... I mean, you probably have a girlfriend,

right?

Yes, I do. So if that was part of the reason why I was studying, which it's

not, you wouldn't be interested in me.

Sydney, I'm very interested in you.

Academically.

Remember Newton's Law?

An object at rest tends to stay at rest until acted upon by an outside force.

Now, our tutoring sessions were that outside force.

Now, you've just got to keep up the momentum.

Come on. We've got to get out of here right now.

You're right.

I'll create a diversion.

What was that?

Hello?

Hello.

I cannot believe you.

You are the worst mother in the world. Why can't you just... Leave me alone.

Sydney, wait.

You know, I normally never do anything like this. I usually give Sydney her

space.

Hope, where are you? I'm trailing Sydney through the halls.

So, uh, see you at the parent-teacher conference then.

Oh, pastry buddy.

Why, oh why, are they trying to destroy our love?

Dad, are you eating pastry, buddy?

Look! Maybe I'm just not as mentally tough as you.

Well, Mom's not going to like this.

Well, there's no reason to involve your mom. Come here.

See?

This, this is one of those...

special moments between a father and a daughter.

Like holding you for the first time, or walking you down the aisle on your

wedding day, and now, keeping this secret from your mother.

Mom, daddy did pastry, buddy.

Traitor! Sidney's right. She's a tattletale. Charlie, give me the pastry

buddies.

a chance to apologize.

All right, for which part? Spying on me in the bathroom, the cafeteria, or the

science lab?

Uh, don't forget the gym.

Remember Pat, the assistant softball coach?

Choke up on the bat, Sid.

That was me.

Uh, duh.

Look, we only did that because you lied about going over to Kathy Johnson's,

who, by the way, is a lovely girl and is sleeping over on Saturday.

What?

to you because I knew you wouldn't believe me if I told you I was studying

every day. Why wouldn't I?

Because, Mom, everybody thinks I'm just some dumb pretty girl.

No, that's your Aunt Faith.

Oh.

You think I'm pretty?

Well, that's not who I want to be.

Okay? So I started studying with Mr. Logan after school so that I could prove

everybody wrong.

And you did.

You have no idea how proud I was when I learned that you aced that test.

You aced a test?

See? Dad's surprised.

No, I'm not surprised. I've always thought you could get A's in all your

classes if you just studied.

Or if you had a crush on all your teachers.

I saw you giving me the eye in the gym.

Because you were creeping me out.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Sydney has a crush on a teacher? No!

This is why I didn't want you at my school. I knew you would embarrass me.

You know what, Sydney? You're right.

We did embarrass you, and I'm sorry.

But the point isn't.

why you studied, but that you did.

Remember Newton's law.

An object at rest tends to stay at rest. Mom.

Okay.

You learned that you're an A student.

Sydney, you should be very proud of yourself.

I am.

And you know what else?

You've proved that you're pretty and smart.

Welcome to the club!

Hey, Aileen.

Is, uh... Is that your Halloween candy?

Mm-mm.

You are so busted.

You are so busted!

You're not going to tell Mom, are you? Why shouldn't I?

Because this is one of those special moments between father and daughter.

Oh, nice try, Curly Fry.

I should tell your mother, but I won't because I know that there is a time to

tattle and a time to keep a secret.

Hey! What's all the noise about?

Dad caught me eating candy and he wasn't going to tell you.

Charlie! Haley!

What? There's a time to tattle, a time to keep a secret, and a time to lie to

Mom?

No, of course not.

Where does it end, Dad?

Ooh, chocolate.

Hey, no sweets.

Please, chocolate.

Give me that.