Original subtitles

Okay, let's go get your dad. And remember, no one say happy birthday

until he gets down here, okay?

I

wish

I could be happy again.

My wishes never come true.

Almost there.

Where am I going?

Faith! Hope, I appreciate the effort, but the cheer-me-up breakfast really

isn't working.

You're eating Dad's birthday breakfast.

Oh.

I guess that does make me feel a little better.

I'm sorry. Sorry, honey.

We'll make it up to you tonight.

We'll have a big celebration.

No, no, I don't want any big production. Just a nice, quiet birthday dinner with

everyone I love.

Faith, we'll save you a piece of cake.

That's fine.

The Gooch doesn't want me anymore.

Why should you guys be any different?

This is well on its way to being the best birthday ever.

I finally found a man to love, and I tricked him into doing a humiliating car

commercial just so I could have a convertible with self-heating bucket

seats.

I'm a monster.

A warm-butted monster.

Faith, why don't you just go over to his house and apologize?

Just ask him for his forgiveness.

This ain't Bible times.

This is the 2000s.

Revenge is the new forgiveness.

I humiliated him, so now I have to find some way to... Humiliate myself.

May I come in?

Wow. Look at all that rope.

I mean, I'm into it, but shouldn't we have a drink first?

I'm going rock climbing at Devil's Point.

What do you want?

I brought a piece of... Just to prove how sorry I am for humiliating you, I

brought a basket of embarrassing moments from my own life.

All you needed was a basket?

A CD I recorded in Finland.

Just under 30 copies sold.

The only movie I ever made.

Weapons of Mass Seduction.

In which I have a semi-nude love scene with Delta Burke.

And finally, and this one really hurts, a picture of me

before my nose job.

Did you eat ants with that thing?

Look, I understand if you can't forgive me, but I just want you to know that

when I'm with you, I feel sick to my stomach.

I start to sweat.

I feel faint, and I can't swallow.

And I just don't want to lose that.

Well, to be honest, I don't feel so great when I'm with you either.

Really, Cooch?

Really. You make me very, very sick.

Looks like I'm gonna need a bigger basket for my humiliating things.

What's wrong, baby?

Oh! You finally got a maid.

Hang up my coat, porpoise.

No, no.

This is my neighbor, Faith.

Well... We're a little more than that. A minute ago,

we were just discussing how sick we make each other.

Well, you're certainly making me nauseous.

I'm Carmen.

The Gucci's fiancé.

Ex-ex-fiancé. In fact, you never even said yes.

Well, I'm saying it now.

Look, I can't live without you. So if that means living here in wherever my

limo just dropped me off, then so be it.

You have a limo?

And a plane.

Well, I have a daytime Emmy.

And my own breasts.

Really? Where do you keep them?

Carmen, look, you just can't come back here after six months and expect me to

take you back. Why not? Because you just can't!

You were never supportive of my career. I mean, what's changed?

I have.

Please, Gooch, just have dinner with me tonight.

Oh, tonight is...

of the question.

Because tonight we have Charlie's surprise birthday party.

That's the first I've heard of that. That's because you can't keep a secret.

Except for the fact that you have an ex-fiance.

Carmen, you're invited too, but I can't promise that anyone will stick a dollar

bill down your pants.

Well, we'll see about that.

I can't believe you're making me do this. Charlie hates surprises, and he

just wanted to spend his birthday with his family.

Well, I had to do something.

I couldn't let the gooch be alone with Carmen tonight.

I mean, look at her.

She's cheap, trampy, and slutty.

The girl's got it all.

Faith, if he wants to get back with his girlfriend, there's nothing you can do.

Nothing I can do, Hope?

You see that package over there?

That's my secret weapon.

Good, because Carmen brought her secret weapons, and they're about to burst out

of her dress.

You'll see.

The Gooch will fall in love with me tonight.

So, Gooch, you think you'll ever get back into baseball?

As a matter of fact, there's been some interest from a Japanese team.

The Hiroshima Carp.

Wait a minute, I thought you'd given up baseball.

We thought wrong.

Well, won't they know you're not Japanese?

He's so gonna hate this. Okay, it's showtime. Everybody hide.

Right there.

Right here.

That's right. Right in there.

Surprise!

Oh! Oh!

Oh! I knew it! I knew you were up to something.

Trying to fool me with a batch of lousy pancakes.

Oh, this is fantastic.

I love surprises.

Thank you, honey.

Gooch, my man.

Did you know about this? You rascal, you.

Here, Charlie.

Open my present first.

Okay.

Okay, let me help you.

Wow, a karaoke machine. What a great gift.

I'll go first.

Is there someone in there?

You guys.

Oh, you must be the birthday boy.

Surprise!

Hope.

You have really outdone yourself.

Just like me, they long to be close to you.

Six songs in a row. She's hogging the mic,

Hope. I want to sing Funky Gold Medina.

It's my turn to sing the birthday boy a song.

Sitting in the movie show.

Thinking nasty thoughts.

That's right.

Let me tell it.

Nasty.

Nasty boy. Okay.

Time for bed.

Hey, Carmen. Do you think you could teach me that hip grindy thing?

Sure. You just pretend like you're strapped.

Good-bye!

Thanks, everyone, for coming.

Hey, where's everybody going?

The night's still young.

Come on, baby, let's go have an after-party. Oh, that's a great idea.

Everybody to the Gooch's house for an after-party party.

Awesome! There's way more room to dance over there.

Hope, bring my Thriller Jack. Oh, yeah!

And... Blah, blah, blah, blah.

Hey.

There's my beautiful wife.

You look so beautiful.

I love you.

I love you. I love...

The party is officially over.

Gooch! Uh, hey.

Gooch and I were rapping.

And he needs his space.

So he went up the devil's point to try to figure out which one of you two he

wants to be with. Personally, I'm torn.

On the one hand...

I'd hate to see Faith win.

On the other hand, I'd like to see her lose.

It's the same thing!

Oh, so then I'm not torn. Good luck, Carmen.

I look forward to meeting you.

Oh, my God. We have to call Gooch.

He's on a mountain. There won't be any cell phone reception.

Well, then we have to go tell him. Look, if the Gooch goes to Japan, then we both

lose.

So as far as I'm concerned, he never got the message.

Agree?

Oh, forget it, Carmen.

I'm not going to do that to the Gooch.

And if you really loved him, you wouldn't either.

Okay, we're almost there.

I thought you said this was a trail.

It is.

People have been by here. Look around you. There's blood everywhere.

I've got to say, Faith, I'm proud of you.

For once, you're not thinking about yourself.

Or the fact that we're one loose pebble away from certain death.

Relax. I spoke to a psychic once who told me I was going to live to be 95.

Did you ask about me?

Yeah.

Watch your step.

This is kind of romantic.

I know.

What could be better than

Thank God I found you. You received a call from the manager of the Japanese

team. He's in town for another hour and wants to meet with you.

And you flew all the way up here to tell me that?

Wow. You have changed.

I have.

I really have.

No, she hasn't.

She's only telling him because you were going to tell him. Now get up there and

tell him. No.

She already told him.

Besides, he'll just think I'm being petty and foolish.

You've always been petty and foolish.

That's sweet, but it's too late. I lost. Now, I just want to get down from this

mountain. No, I am not letting you give up. Well, I'm not letting you not let me

give up.

Now, let's go!

No! Yes!

Are you all right?

What do you care?

You let me go.

You told me to.

Oh, so if I told you to let me slide down the side of a cliff, you would?

Oh, wait.

Faith? Hope?

Oh, hey, Gooch.

What are you guys doing here?

Oh.

Hiking.

Hope and I are way into extreme sports.

Aren't we, Hope?

Yeah. If I don't get my adrenaline rush, I get real irritable.

Okay, Faith. I'm coming down. There's no time.

She's right.

You have to go now.

or you'll miss your meeting with Mr. Yamagoto.

How do you know about that?

She climbed up this mountain to tell you, which is a lot harder than flying,

by the way.

Really, Gooch?

Go.

Worst comes to worst, Hope cuts off my legs and carries me down.

See, they'll be fine. Let's go.

I just can't leave her here. It's going to be dark soon.

So let me get this straight.

All these years, I've been trying to get you to pick me over baseball, and now

you're willing to just give it all up for some...

Has been wedged in a crack?

Hey!

For your information, the crack is wedged in the has been.

Hold on, Faith. I'm climbing down.

Fine.

Bruce, pick me up.

It's over.

For good.

And by the way, I think it's pretty pathetic you have to go to Japan to play

baseball.

I didn't feel like climbing, so I drove up.

Drove up?

Oh.

So that's where Devil's Point Road leads.

Hey.

Might want to find some other spot for your hideaway key.

How you feeling?

I'm a little sore.

But the good news is I won't have to wax my legs until my skin grows back.

Thanks for saving me.

You're my hero.

Yeah. I didn't want to go play baseball in Japan anyway.

I mean, the one time I was there, everyone thought I was Eric Estrada.

Oh.

Um, well, then I guess I could always just...

Return this, then.

What's that?

It's a ticket to Japan.

It gets into Tokyo at 2 p.m., day after tomorrow, one hour before your meeting

with Mr. Yamagoto.

Faith, this is... This is the most generous thing anyone's ever done for

me. Oh.

It wasn't that generous.

I mean, I used your credit card.

Like I said, you should really find another spot for your hideaway key.

And your wallet.

But look, I put a couple of pictures of me inside.

But if I end up playing in Japan, what's that mean for us?

You know what they say.

If you love someone, let them go play baseball in Japan.

If they come back, Greet them at the airport in nothing but high heels and a

trench coat.

That's hot.

I guess our timing stinks, huh?

Oh.

What kind of us would there be if I asked you to pick me over your dream?

I think I just got gooch bumps.

So the name honey