Original subtitles

Edwin, can I ask you something?

Okay. Are we friends or are we more than friends?

You mean like boyfriend and girlfriend?

Well, I haven't been studying with anyone else.

Have you?

I don't know.

I've been studying around a little.

Oh, I see.

Well, that explains the pink highlighter in your notebook.

What are you looking for, Charlie?

Your manhood?

No.

For your talent.

He's spying on our new neighbor, the Gooch.

Who's the Gooch?

Former Major League Ball player Gary the Gooch Gutierrez with a .297 lifetime

average, the switch hitting shortstop was a formidable threat both on the

field and in the batter's box.

Charlie leave the sports section in the bathroom again?

No. He made me memorize his trading card.

The Gooch just moved in next door.

You can still smell the gum.

Wow.

Cute.

Big bat.

Apparently. Swings it around quite a bit.

Oh, really?

Well, you know, I've always considered myself an athletic supporter.

Batter up!

Oh!

Ahem.

Excuse me.

108 pounds.

Mom, Bobby can guess the weight of anybody that he picks up.

Oh, then.

I guess that makes you a pickup artist.

Good one, Mrs. S. Hey, let me try you.

Thanks, but I don't... Whoa!

128 and a half pounds.

Wow. You're good.

What do you say, Chaz?

Hop on the old Bible meter? No, I don't think that's such a good idea. I just...

Whoa!

About 183.

Time to lay off the cars, Mr. S.

I just want to introduce myself. I'm David Gary. The Gooch.

Goochieris.

Five-time Gold Glove winner, three-time All-Star.

Four times. But who's counting?

Okay, me.

And I'm Faith Fairfield, actress, two-time Emmy nominee, one-time Emmy

winner, full-time single girl.

Very single.

Well, congratulations on...

On all that.

And these must be for me.

And I'm Dr. Charles Shanowski.

This is my son, Justin, and my wife.

Hope. Hope.

That's your wife? Yeah.

I'm sorry. These were intended for the lady of the house.

Why, thank you.

They're lovely.

Please, have a seat.

So, Gooch, what brings you to our fair city?

I thought it was time to settle down, clean up the image a little, you know,

try to get some endorsements since my rap album didn't do so well.

Gee-dee-ooch, I smell Grammy.

So, whoever would have thought that Glen Falls would be home to two big

celebrities?

Really, who else lives here?

Sense of humor.

I like that.

So Hope had a great idea.

How about coming over tonight for a little welcome to the neighborhood

dinner? Tonight?

That's what you said. She's right, honey. I was here. You said six-ish.

Sure. Can I bring anything?

Just your glove.

In case you want to toss the ball around a little.

You know, see how you feel. Okay. Yeah.

I'll see you later.

Goodbye.

My God.

Couldn't you feel the chemistry between us, Hope?

We're going to be this town's first ever power celebrity couple.

By the end of the week, we'll be the lead story in the Glen Falls Gazette

society column.

I don't think they have a society column. What do they have?

Uh, horoscope, police blotter, senior lunch menu.

Why not all three?

Faith Fairfield steals heart of Sagittarius ball player.

eats lightly crusted fish.

You made chicken for the gooch?

You couldn't come up with something with a little more pizazz?

Well, I was gonna make an ice sculpture of a catcher's mitt and fill it with

Alaskan king crab.

Yeah? So what happened?

I left my ice pick on Kilimanjaro.

Hi, Mrs. Chinoski. Hello, Henry.

Is that... Fresh mint.

Yeah, from my mother's herb box. Last time I was here, I remember you saying

you were out.

Oh, that was so thoughtful of you. Come on in.

Thanks.

Edwin, your brother's here.

So, do you want to study tomorrow?

I'm not sure I'm ready for that kind of commitment.

Hey. Hey.

Nice talking to you.

All right, Edwin, let's go, buddy.

That Henry is such a gentleman.

Mom, he's so not cool.

And besides, he's not interested in me.

If you recall.

I don't know about that.

Anyway, I'm just saying, you might want to keep your options open.

Mom, I'm already dating the coolest guy in school. All the other options suck.

How do you know Bobby's not keeping his options open?

I know boys like him.

And they're, well, players.

Yeah, word up, Mom.

How do I look?

I'm so nervous. I have the first date jitters.

I don't think this is a date.

Come on, Hope.

You had to feel the heat between me and the gooch.

Stand back, Hope.

I'm about to open the door to my future.

Back! No, no, no! My house! My house! My house!

Hi.

This is Tammy. Hope it's okay. I brought a date. Tammy, this is... Incredibly

rude.

I don't believe Hope's invitation said plus one.

Oh, okay. Well, uh... We'll try another night, then.

Faith! Just kidding!

Can't you take a joke?

Everyone's welcome here. Even your little underage tramp.

So we're down by a run. The bases are loaded. It's a full count. And I fall

off like eight straight pitches. Looking for ball four.

That's when Martinez throws me one right here. I know. I have to swing. And bam!

The Gooch takes him downtown.

And clenched the wild card.

You the man!

You the man, Gooch!

So, where did you two meet, Tammy?

The sandbox or the seesaw?

We met at the grocery store.

That's where I work.

I bagged him.

Oh, right there in the store?

Mm-hmm.

You know who you look like?

You look just like that actress off The Sacred and the Sinful.

What was her name?

Faith Fairfield. Yeah, that was her.

Oh, my gosh, when they killed her character off, I heard she went crazy.

She, like, burned down the studio or something.

Really? Mm-hmm.

Who wants dessert?

And then last year at the Daytime Emmys... I heard that she attacked an

actress on stage, on live TV.

I have two kinds of pie. Apple and cherry.

Sounds like a real nutcase.

You know, that reminds me of a story I heard about this shortstop that totally

choked in the seventh game of the World Series.

I'll have apple and cherry. Hell, bring them both out.

It was the bottom of the ninth and the bases were loaded. And the batter hits

this little dribbler that goes right through the shortstop's legs.

And the winning run scores.

Well, this certain shortstop loses his confidence and retires in shame.

Gooch, help me out. Any idea who that is?

And I also have ice cream.

Thanks, Hope. I gotta go.

Apparently Tammy has a curfew.

Hey, pooch!

You know what time it is?

Yeah.

It's hot tub time at Casa Gooch.

Where's Tammy?

Uh, that didn't work out.

I'm tied into somebody else right now.

Really?

Yeah, I just met her today, but I can tell. She's really something special.

Aw.

Gooch.

So, you wanted to join you for a soak?

That's why I'm out here.

Well, what makes you so sure she's interested?

Yeah, she's interested.

This is Carla.

She's a flight attendant.

That would explain the two flotation devices.

Just a guy from my high school biology class.

What's that, Brent?

You are hilarious!

Edmund, I've got to go.

Can't take it anymore.

That jerk, the Gucci, has kept me up the last three nights in a row with his loud

music and hot tub Gucci mamas. He didn't come here to clean up his image. He came

here to ruin my life.

Hey, Mom and Dad, we went to the batting cages, and the Gooch taught me how to

hit a curveball.

And he said I could be in his baseball video.

Hey, I want to be in his baseball video.

It's actually a series of instructional videos for kids.

But it doesn't just teach baseball, it teaches good values.

Ha!

What? Nothing.

Dirtbag!

Faith, can we have a word alone?

You heard the gooch. Everybody out. Come on. Let's go, go, go.

Me too?

Okay.

Look, you and I have been butt and head since the day we met, and I think we

both know it's because there's some pretty strong sexual tension here.

And I think we should just be honest.

You're attracted to me, right?

Well, right.

And you're attracted to me, right?

No.

And that's the problem. I mean, it's nothing personal. You're just not my

type.

Really?

Because it seems like everyone's your type.

Yeah, I know. It's weird.

Anyway, look, I'm glad we had this talk.

I feel better, don't you?

So, how'd it go?

Well, he's wildly attracted to me, but I had to tell him that he's not my type.

We heard the whole thing. He's going down, Hope!

Edwin, what are you doing here?

I've come over to fight for you.

You want to fight for me?

Well, I did.

Until I saw the size of Brent here.

You know what? The heck with it.

How dare you study with my girlfriend?

Girlfriend?

If you still want to be.

Brent, I think we're done studying.

Edwin, that was so brave.

Yeah.

I think I need to go lie down.

A little brewski for Miss Shanuski.

Oh, you know what? I'll just have a diet soda. I'm watching my weight.

I'm watching it, too. And I like what I see.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

No problem.

Hey, what are you doing here?

I tutor the guy whose part it is. As soon as he sobers up, we're going to do

a little trigonometry.

So where's the bob-o-meter?

Over there somewhere. Actually, I should probably get back.

110 pounds.

What do I win?

I'm here. What's the emergency?

He's at it again.

Only this time he's got three girls in the hot tub with him.

Look.

Is that my rearview mirror?

You barely use it.

Are you bleaching your lip again?

Yeah. And if you're nice to me, I'll do your chin.

Are you sure you're not just jealous? Oh, please.

I just want a good night's sleep.

This is an awesome hot tub.

I like to call it the Jiguchi.

It doesn't. Mr. Good Values, Mr. Clean Up My Image, maybe a few compromising

photographs will restore some peace and quiet to this neighborhood.

What are you doing? It's called Blackmail, Hope. I'm going to destroy

that man's life.

Wish me luck.

Babe.

Babe, get back here.

saying things like that, but one of these times, you're gonna be wrong.

Okay,

not this time.

So I hope it's hot enough in here for you.

Dude, you make anything hot.

Don't just stand there. Do something.

And I'm gonna deduct a point for the mustache.

So no one else here felt the earthquake?

Just watching my favorite movie on cable.

Hootie Tang?

Oh, thought it was House Party.

So, uh, how come Henry brought you home? I don't want to talk about it. Sydney,

you never want to talk about anything.

That's because you don't talk, Mom.

You lecture.

I do not lecture.

And when you have a teenage daughter of your own, maybe you'll see that...

Okay, maybe I do lecture.

A tad.

Look, I just want you to know that I love you, Sydney.

And if you ever want to talk to me, I'm here for you.

Okay?

Watching Pootie Ting.

You were right about Bobby.

He's a player.

I hate it when you're right.

I know.

Nice jacuzzi?

I don't want to talk about it.

You'll just lecture me.

Faith One.