Original subtitles

There she is, my little girl skipping two grades, starting her first day of

high school. Say genius.

Stop it, honey. You're embarrassing her.

One more time for the video camera.

All right, say, I got my brains from my father.

Hey, girls, how about a ride to school?

No way. Oh, my God, that is so not cool. Just kill me.

So that's a no?

Well, at least give me a hug before you go.

Mom? Please don't drip mascara on my new backpack.

Sorry. Have a great day.

Call me if you need me, okay?

You take care of your little sister.

You hear me?

Oh, don't worry, Mom. I'll take care of my baby, sis.

Come on, kiddo.

Okay, let's get this straight. High school is my domain. We were never meant

to be there at the same time, which means you are a guest star in my movie,

and I don't want us to have any scenes together.

Got it?

Fine. I don't want to be in your straight-to-video life anyway.

Oh.

I know it's hard letting go.

Are you sure about not having another baby?

Yeah. Whose doll is this?

Oh, that's mine.

Are you sure you're sure?

This is an electronic baby for the pregnancy prevention program at the high

school. I volunteered to give a little talk to the kids tomorrow.

Hey, how about a little page four this weekend?

We're still going away, right?

I'm just waiting to hear back from the sitter.

What do you need a sitter for?

We told you, we're going away this weekend.

But I don't want a babysitter.

They always side with the kids over me.

Why can't I babysit? Because you're irresponsible, unreliable, and we don't

trust you.

What does that even mean?

What do you think?

Well, Faith, you haven't been demonstrating a lot of maturity.

Oh, yeah?

Who's the one playing with dolls?

This is an electronic baby.

It's to show teenagers how hard it is to be a mother.

Honey, why don't you just show them your stretch marks?

For the same reason we don't show pictures of your old nose.

Look, there's a computer inside.

It makes the baby poop, pee, cry, and demand your undivided attention, just

like a real baby. Oh, just like a full-grown you, Faith.

Well, when these things grow up one day and take over the world, I'd like to go

on record as saying I was against it.

You know what, Faith?

Why don't you try it?

Taking over the world?

Already happening.

No, the electronic baby.

You should see how you'd be as a parent.

Oh, I think we know how she'd be as a parent. Remember when she lost Justin at

the state fair?

Hey, those carnies taught that kid to juggle.

And he still hears from the lobster boy.

Face it, Faith.

You don't have what it takes to be a mother.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Well, how about this?

I prove to you that I can take care of this baby, and you let me babysit your

kids. Faith, I don't think... Deal.

I want to be the best mother any rubber baby ever had.

Hey,

here comes your sister.

All the seats are taken. Can I sit here?

Oh, I'm sorry. This table has a minimum height requirement.

But apparently, no minimum IQ.

Ooh, here comes that smart boy that you have the hots for.

At least I don't have the hots for him.

Hey.

How's your first day of high school going?

Pretty good.

I've only been called Annie three times.

Wanna come sit with me and my friends?

Sure.

You know, we really should go say hi to your sister. I mean, it is her first

day.

Cauliflower?

my big little high school girl.

How was your first day?

Scary? Intense?

Overwhelming? Fantastic. It was totally incredible.

Poor thing.

Let me hold you.

Oh, hello. I'm sorry. Sydney's not home yet.

Oh, I'm here for Haley.

Haley, there's a much older boy here for you.

Mom, this is Henry, Edwin's brother.

He offered to help get me up to speed in geometry.

Oh.

Should I bring in your favorite snack?

Soy nut butter on rice cakes?

No, thanks. I picked up some chips and soda on the walk home.

That's the dining room.

I've lost her.

Amber said what?

You know what?

Hold on a second. This new thong I bought is giving me a total wedgie. I

think I'm going to have to return it.

Well, yeah. That's why I left the tags on.

You know what?

I'm taking it off. Forget it.

Whew!

That's a relief.

Sidney!

You remember Henry.

Crying never solved anything.

What's going on?

Oh, thank God.

I never thought I was going to wake you.

I've been up all night. It won't stop crying.

Maybe you're right. Maybe I can't be a mother. Maybe I should just have a

vasectomy and be done with it.

feels like this at some point.

You know, I used to think that you looked really old for your age.

But considering you've done this three times, I think you'd look great.

You don't look a day over 40.

I'm 38.

You could never take a compliment.

What's a matter, little guy?

It's okay.

Night is dark.

Close your eyes before... Before the boogeyman gets you, eat your

nose, nibble your toes. Stop it, Hope! You're scaring me!

What do you mean? That's the same song Mom used to sing to us when we were

little. Don't you remember?

Oh, yeah.

It's the Sandman, it's the Sandman, coming to take you to dreamland.

What are you doing?

Taking care of my baby. He just called me mama.

You want to hold him?

No, not really.

Come on!

Support the neck.

Just when Mama didn't think she could love you anymore.

human sexuality is a delicate subject.

Which is why I brought along a couple of friends to help make it cool.

Abby Abstinence and Peter Peer Pressure.

Come on, Abby.

Let's go all the way.

Everyone's doing it.

Just cuddle.

Well, my friend Bobby Braggart went all the way with his girlfriend.

Yes.

Hey, kids.

Look who's here.

Polly Pregnant.

Donnie Dropout.

That loser told everyone at school he saw me take my thong off.

That's a terrible thing to do.

Haley, I don't want you to study with Henry anymore.

Henry didn't tell everybody.

I did.

What? Why would you do that?

Because she's been a total jerk to me at school.

I haven't been a jerk. I just haven't been my usual loving self.

Yeah, right.

All she is is mean to me.

And now you are too. Congratulations.

Why don't you both go to your room?

People let me tell you about my best friend.

You're in a good mood.

Oh, Hope. I had the most wonderful day.

I'm so glad you talked me into doing this mother thing. You can't imagine how

it feels.

I mean, I know he's just a doll, but look at him.

Doesn't he almost seem real?

Faith! He is real!

Oh, Hope.

I wish he was.

Oh, my God!

Hope!

It's a miracle!

Either that or I took the wrong stroller from the park. Faith!

You're right.

That's crazy.

You know this is considered kidnapping. We could go to jail.

Look, it was an honest mistake.

Look, he's got the same stroller. That's got to be the one.

All right, I'll distract him. You make the switch.

Penny for your thoughts.

Mine are dirty.

Married, single, divorced, separated gay.

I can work with all of it.

Married and a little creeped out.

So gay then?

Alex, don't put that in your mouth. That is not chocolate.

Got my baby back.

Me too.

Wait, we can't both have the baby.

God wants me to have a real baby. Somebody grab her. She's taking my baby.

Wait, wait, wait.

I can explain. It was a mistake.

I did not mean to take your baby, just like I didn't mean to take your baby

when I took it. The only baby I ever wanted was my own baby.

This one.

Right here.

She's crazy.

I'll call the police. Don't let her get away.

Wait, wait.

They can take me, but they'll never take my baby.

Go long.

What? Go long.

I think it's still under warranty.

You

know,

when Haley outgrows you, I have a nine-year-old brother you can hang out

with.

Actually, I was here to see you.

I was wondering if you'd like to go see a movie with me. Why would I want to do

that?

Okay, forget it.

What movie?

Oh, it's a documentary about Wedgie Jackson.

Come on, I couldn't help myself.

I guess I don't have anything better to do.

I'll go get my purse.

Thanks for doing this for me. No problem, but are you sure she's gonna

crush on me?

You're a boy, aren't you?

Just don't tell her I asked you to take her out.

Okay, ready to go.

Cool.

After you.

Thank you.

You are so dead. I am nobody's pity date.

I was trying to help you.

I don't think so. I think you were trying to humiliate me again.

Fine. Forget it. You forget it.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

What is going on here? She's trying to ruin my life, Mom. God, I have to share

everything with her. I've now got to share high school, too. You know,

Sydney, I felt the same way when your mom came to high school with me.

I was there first.

Yeah, but I put you on the map.

She doesn't share anything with me.

I feel like she hates me. I do.

You do not, Sydney.

What is wrong with you two? You are sisters.

Do you hear your mother and me arguing all the time?

Faith, I don't think... Zip it, Hope.

Now look, I am tired of listening to you two fight.

Your sister is the best friend you will ever have.

You need to be good to each other. Respect each other's feelings.

And I feel... What part of zip it do you not understand?

Now, Haley, Sydney, I want you to hug each other and say you're sorry. Do we

have to?

Do it!

I'm sorry.

Me too.

All right.

Now, I want you two to spend some quality time together.

Go wash my car.

There's some blood on the grill. Doesn't matter how... got there, just get it

off.

Now, what did you want to say, sweetie?

Just that... Well, I think you handled that pretty well.

I'm impressed.

Impressed enough to let me take care of the kids?

No, but perhaps impressed enough to maybe possibly consider discussing the

slight chance of letting you take care of the kids.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I didn't say I definitely wanted to.

They are a handful.

Maybe you should just get a sitter.

But you know what I did realize?

Is that I'm glad I did this.

Because I really do want to be a mother someday.

Do you hear that, Hope?

What? It's my biological clock.

It's finally ticking.

You know.

I always thought I had all the time in the world.

And I'm 34.

I don't even have a boyfriend.

What if the opportunity just passes me by?

It won't.

I just hope I'm half as good a mother as you.

You're gonna be a great mother.

Really?

Anything's possible.

You're my best friend.

Oh, nice job, Faith.

Yeah.

Once again, you've proven yourself to be completely incapable of doing anything

right.

So, when the sitter tells you it's bedtime, I expect you to mind her. When

the...

him so much.