Original subtitles

One more for the road, doll face.

Speaking of the road, Mr. Sinatra, it's time for school. Go get dressed. And not

in your tux.

Hey, Hope, check this out.

Are you all right?

Fine. Just practicing.

For what?

Disability.

Apparently, there's big money in it. You're not going on disability. You're

getting a job. Here, check the want ads.

Morning.

Hammer your thumb again?

No.

I question advice!

Charlie, why don't you just hire a carpenter to help you?

Because this is my man room, Hope, built with my own man hands.

What's so funny?

Just you calling yourself a man.

18 days, Faith.

That's how long you've got to get a job and an apartment and move out of my

house.

That I own equally with Hope.

Ooh, brownies.

Those aren't for you. They're for a faculty meeting today at Haley's School.

Ah, they wouldn't happen to be voting on the Buzz Aldrin Elementary Mother of the

Year. Well, if they are, it's merely a happy coincidence.

Here, eat the burnt one.

Hope's won Mother of the Year two years in a row. They even put her picture up

in the cafeteria.

I really could care less about some silly award.

But just in case... I took the liberty of getting you headshots.

Which ones do you like?

I like the one with the oily nose and giant pores.

Because the other one's just, like, hard to look at.

Hey, Hope.

Uh, where's my jeans skirt?

In the wash.

Why are you calling me, Hope? Well, I've been calling you mom for 16 years, and

where has it gotten me?

Mom, I need you to sign this note excusing me from biology class today.

Why? Because they're dissecting frogs, and I'm against animal cruelty.

Honey, frogs are not animals.

They're appetizers.

Hello?

Oh, yes, I will bring you your bowl.

Oh, I just whipped up some brownies.

And you?

Strawberry tarts.

From your own strawberry patch?

No, I did not realize you churn your own butter.

Well, better run.

I'm whittling a new baseball bat for Justin.

With a knife I made out of recycled cans. Bye now.

Sally Jones, always bragging about what a perfect mother she is. Well, I'm

sorry. Mother of the Year is about more than just strawberry tarts.

What are you doing?

You heard me. I have to make a knife out of recycled cans.

Hey.

Want to see me fall down the stairs?

No.

But I'd love to see you go up in flames.

It's true, but I can't imagine my life without you.

Sisters, it's a brand new start.

Sisters, we've come so far.

Sisters, there's no better way to be you and me.

Hello, Hope.

Hello, Sally.

Did you remember my bowl?

Oh! I'm so sorry. I forgot.

She was too busy whittling a porch swing.

Sydney, you remember Mrs. Jones?

No. Can I wait in the car, Hope?

Uh, yeah.

Sure, sweetie.

Your daughter calls you Hope?

You should hear what she calls her behind her back.

Mrs. Jones, your tarts are all anyone can talk about.

Well, that and the fact that somebody stole all the frogs from the biology

lab. Oh, are those your famous double fudge pecan brownies, Mrs.

Shanowski? Uh, yes, sure. Help yourself.

Any idea who stole the frogs?

I bet it was Hayley.

Mrs. Shanowski.

Justin? Doesn't he look adorable?

What's the occasion?

Not a pleasant one, I'm afraid. I caught Justin smoking during recess.

Smoking?

Justin? Just two puffs and out.

Like Frank.

Don't want to damage the pipes.

Where did you get a cigarette?

I found it on the ground. It was just a butt with cherry red lipstick like Ava

used to wear.

All right, that's it.

No more Frank Sinatra. From now on, you're just going to be you.

Go to your room.

It was so embarrassing at school today.

I'm sure the whole world thinks I'm this terrible mother.

I'm never going to get Mother of the Year now.

Sally's probably already turning victory butter.

Hey, guess what I got?

A job?

That is better.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Until you get a job, you can't afford an apartment.

The landlord is having some sort of fundraiser party tonight at the

apartment. So why don't you come by with me and check it out for yourself?

Okay? Please, Hope? Please?

Please, Hope?

Please?

All right. But we can't stay long.

I have five dozen mini quiches to make before tomorrow's... Mother of the Year

reception. Yeah, yeah.

So what kind of fundraiser is it?

Oh, just some sort of...

Woman's group. But don't worry.

You'll fit right in.

Isn't the apartment darling?

It's adorable.

I still don't get why they'd rent to someone without a job.

Faye.

You made it.

Hi.

This, hopefully, is my new landlord, Rusty.

Hi.

And, Rusty, you probably guessed by now, this is Hope.

My lover.

Good news, ladies.

Hope's credit checked out great, so if you two want the apartment, it's all

yours. Oh, my God, that's wonderful.

Did you hear that, lover?

We got the apartment.

Maybe we should talk about it first, lover.

Would you excuse us a moment?

Ow!

What in the world do you think you're doing? Look.

I love this apartment.

And my credit sucks.

So I had to put you down as my domestic partner.

We're not lesbians.

I know I'm not, but I've always thought you had tendencies.

I am leaving right now.

All right, everybody.

We are here tonight to raise money for free counseling at the Lesbian Center.

Yo, for years, I was in the closet, terrified to come out because of what

other people would think. I hear you, sister, my woman sister.

But when you stop judging yourself, you won't care what other people think. And

you will find that you will stop judging others, too.

Amen, sister, my sister woman.

So... Let's put our hands together for two women who didn't let what other

people thought stop them from getting married.

Hope and faith.

Thank you.

Thank you. I am so honored to be a part of this lesbian community.

And I...

A little bit.

Is your mom home?

No.

Good. I didn't want her to see me cry.

How long did you think you could hide these?

I was going to ride my bike to the lake tomorrow and set them free.

The lake is 20 miles from here.

I can't take them back. I'll get suspended or expelled.

Oh, my gosh.

This might go on my permanent record.

I might not get into Harvard now.

Grab your coat.

Where are we going?

To the lake.

But if your mother ever finds out about this... We'll blame Aunt Faith.

Now that's Harvard thinking.

How about a spotlight dance for the newlyweds?

I'm not dancing with you. I'm not dancing with you.

I'm a two-time Mother of the Year winner.

What are people going to think? Please, Hope, please. I love this apartment.

And Charlie is going to kick me out in 18 days.

Don't you want to be sister of the year?

Check

out

that tall butch one.

Hey ladies, how about a kiss?

Ah, you can do better than that. How about a real kiss?

Stop it!

What is wrong with you?

All right, that's it. I'm sorry.

We're not lesbians.

Yeah, so?

We're married sisters. You got a problem with that?

Yeah.

Oh, look, Melissa Etheridge!

What are you dressed?

The mother of the reception is in 15 minutes. Count me out. Thanks to you, I

have to go apartment hunting.

Is that so much to ask between sisters?

Hailey, Sydney, Justin, let's go!

Sorry, I'll be right down. Charlie!

Look in the mirror.

Huh?

No!

Damn paint gun back spray!

Go wash your face.

Well, that might be a problem. See, this is oil-based.

What did school think?

That you married idiot Smurf?

I hope you're not wearing that.

I could ask you the same question.

Why do I even have to go? I mean, you said yourself that this is a silly

award. Fine.

Don't go.

You can all just stay home.

You'll probably embarrass me anyway.

kids think I'm a twerp, but now they're gonna think I'm the crazy kid with the

mohawk.

Justin, you can't go through life caring about what other people think.

Why not? You do.

You do make it so easy being the good one.

At least there's one person in this house I can count on.

Oh, wait, almost forgot.

Sally's bowl.

We're taking them back to school right now.

I don't have them anymore.

Haley. We let them go.

We?

You want her to get into Harvard, don't you?

I see.

Fine.

I'll go alone.

But I just want to thank you all.

For making me feel like the worst mother of the year.

Woo! My God.

What?

What?

Hope Shanowski.

Local lesbian dances with wife.

I know.

Wife. I have a name.

Sorry I'm late.

I was rushing to get here and this... Angry cop pulled me over, and boy, did

she give me a tongue lashing.

Hi, Sally.

Woo-hoo!

Hi. Oh.

Oh.

Hey, Kathy.

You brought my favorite. I love your sticky buns.

Especially when they're hot.

My mouth is watering already.

Uh, so, Hope, where's your family?

Oh, they're not feeling well. I can only imagine.

Shall we begin?

As you all know, every year, the faculty and the administration... Mrs.

Chynowski, I just want to tell you that I'm sending my Aunt Edna your picture.

I think that it might finally inspire her and her roommate to come out.

Oh. Well, I'm glad I can be... Wait.

What picture? This one.

Oh!

In our tradition, we will begin by hearing a few words from last year's

Buzz Aldrin Elementary Mother of the Year winner, Hope Shanofsky.

Hello there.

Hope Shenowsky.

Local lesbian.

There's actually really a funny story behind this.

Anyway, I can't imagine what you must think.

Actually, I changed my mind.

I don't care what you think.

I don't care about this silly award.

Because last night I learned a valuable lesson.

It doesn't matter what you think of me.

It only matters what I think of me.

And the real reason I wanted to win Mother of the Year is because deep down,

I never feel like a good enough mother.

Or good enough anything.

I am always judging myself.

And as a result, judging my kids.

Who, by the way, I think are wonderful.

So, I don't need to win Mother of the Year.

Because I've got something much better.

I have the Family of the Year.

She fell, Mom.

And by the way, hope Shanowski's wife has a name.

And it's Faith Fairfield. Good day.

You were robbed, Mom.

You know Sally's daughter?

She told me that her parents sleep in separate bedrooms.

Ah, Sydney.

That's the sweetest thing you've said in months.

Oh.

Hello.

Hey, Hope.

Bobby. From the fundraiser.

I was wondering if you want to go for a little spin in my old Camino.

I bought donut holes.

Well, that sounds lovely, but I'm happily married.

To that guy.

Oh.

Okay.

What kind of donut holes?

Chocolate glazed.

I'm in.

Don't wait up.

So you need to send Sally Jones your Mother of the Year trophy?

Yep, that's the tradition.

There's only one of them. Well, I think it's time we start a new tradition.

Haley? Do we still have our little friend?

I'll take him over.

You could just stay in the car and watch.