Original subtitles

Last call for flight 525 to New Delhi.

Thank you, honey, for going to look for Faith.

I feel like this is all my fault. If I hadn't had that fight with her, she

wouldn't have run off and wouldn't be missing in India.

No, I blame myself.

If only I'd strangled her in her sleep when I had the urge we'd all be going to

the Bahamas right now.

Charlie. I'm sorry. It's just the malaria pills talking.

And remember, Dad, don't drink the water, and if you must eat meat, make

sure they kill it in front of you.

Here, Dad, I want you to have my video game so you won't get bored on the

plane.

Justin, that is so sweet.

You're really taking it?

You just gave it to me.

It's called a gesture.

Oh, my God, when?

No way.

No way.

No way.

Sydney, does someone want to say goodbye to your father?

Julie, do you want to say goodbye to my dad?

Julie says bye, Dad.

Maybe I should send Julie to college.

You gotta go.

Bye. I love you.

Bye.

Come on, kids.

Let's watch the plane pull away.

There goes my video game.

Hey, look, there's Dad in the third window.

Bye, Dad.

Bye, Dad.

Bye, Dad.

Bye, honey.

Bye, Charlie.

Oh, Hope.

Thank God you're here.

I thought I was going to have to carry my own luggage.

If the brand don't stop, sisters Oh, come so far, sisters There's no better

way to be You and me

That's

cute, Tom.

Thanks. But I bet you like the one in your backpack even better. Way.

I mean, what?

Hand it over.

Well, Mom, nothing gets past you. Mm-hmm. I'll take the one in your boot,

too.

Were you going to wear that or floss with it?

Haley.

Now, listen, your father's going to be home any minute now, and he's not going

to be very happy about the fact that he had to fly halfway to India and back for

no reason.

Lay at the flapjack, dollface.

And who are you supposed to be?

Sinatra, baby, and pour me juice straight up.

to explain where you were and why you came back.

Okay. I was on my way to India to seek divine enlightenment when I met Ernesto,

who had divine abs, and an upgrade to first class. So, naturally, I decided to

fly to Mexico with him instead. How am I doing on time? 1.45.

Okay. Stuff happens, stuff happens, stuff happens. The next thing I know,

I'm on the back of a chicken truck in the middle of Mexico.

Mexico? Why didn't you call?

How was I supposed to dial the phone? You know I don't read Mexican numbers.

30 seconds. Wrap it up, toots.

Okay, so long story short, he sneaked me in his trunk across the border into

Colorado and the good old U.S. of A.

Time. Yes!

Colorado?

Colorado doesn't border Mexico.

Well, I know that. I wasn't in the old Mexico.

I was in the new Mexico.

Faith.

New Mexico is part of the United States.

It is?

Look, what does it matter what Mexico I was in? The point is, I had a

revolution.

You were right.

I am selfish.

And Charlie, I have taken advantage of your generosity.

So now it's time for me to put out or shut up. Faith.

No, no.

I realize that I'm not getting back to Hollywood anytime soon.

I have to face reality.

I have to get a job and make my life here in Glen Falls.

But I need your help to do that.

And I don't have anywhere else to go.

Please.

Did you hear that, Charlie?

Maybe she did have a revolution.

Okay, Hope.

But Faith, I'm telling you, if you screw up one more time, you're out.

Thank you, Charlie.

Now, I have a question.

Is New England also part of the United States?

Yes. New Jersey? Yes. New York? Yes. New Montana? No. I knew that one.

of the house.

Come, take a load off.

How was your day?

Here are your slippers and a nice cold beer. Oh, and here's the new oral

hygiene monthly.

Did you know this magazine's about teeth?

Oh, and here's your pipe.

She has been amazing all day. She did the laundry.

Clean the house.

Iron the toilet paper.

Chew starch, so be careful.

Dinner's ready.

Come on, folks. Ring-a-ding-ding.

He saw an A&E biography on Sinatra, and he's become... Obsessed? A little bit.

Oh, my God, a belly ring.

Like it?

Love it.

I won't get my belly button pierced. Or your nose. Or your eyebrows.

Nipple?

I'm just kidding.

Unless it's okay.

Hey, this chicken is delicious. What is your secret?

I just followed the recipe.

It's amazing what two tibbles of paprika and a quarter elb of butter will do.

I'd like...

To make a toast.

To fate.

I didn't think you could do it, but you seem to have come back here a changed

woman. Well, I did lose five elves.

All right, well, I was going to save my big surprise for after dinner, but I

can't wait.

I spent four hours this afternoon washing someone's 62 mint condition

Impala.

You did?

Go check it out.

is sore but it is so worth it listen to how happy he is

It doesn't matter if she meant to. She had a last straw. And if I was a camel,

then she broke it.

My straw.

She's out of here.

You can't just throw her out on the street.

She's my sister.

Well, I'm your husband.

Don't make me choose.

You choose all the time.

And you always choose Faith.

I can't believe

you, Sidney.

Sneaking off to the mall when you were supposed to be at the library. You know,

the old Faith may have been impressed by your cunning deception, but the new

Faith is on probation, and you could have gotten her into a lot of trouble.

Now apologize to new Faith, and then show old Faith what you got.

Kill me.

You're not going to tell her, are you?

Button it, mumbles.

Look, I promised I'd be more responsible, which means I have to tell

your mother. I am sorry, Sidney.

Oh, good hope.

I've got to tell you something. No.

I need to tell you something.

I finally calmed Charlie down, but I can't keep making excuses for you.

All right, you're right. From now on, we'll come up with them together. I mean

it, Faith.

out of here.

Are we clear?

Perfectly.

Now, what do you want to tell me?

Just that I am so proud of this little girl here.

They like her so much at that library.

They let her borrow some of the books.

So, Sydney, you feel good about your test?

What? Cat got your tongue? Her tongue is fine.

Nothing wrong with her tongue. Get off her back, woman!

Fine.

I'm going to bed.

Good night.

Anything went, Faith.

All right, here's the story.

You were kidnapped from the library parking lot by a mysterious man with a

pet parrot and a piercing gun.

What? Too far-fetched?

Well, it sounds a little filthy.

Oh, does that sound a little filthy, Bella? Does that sound a little filthy?

All right, fine.

I got a better idea.

We'll go back to the mall first thing in the morning and get whoever put that

thing in to take it out, all right?

In the meantime, I want you to say, I thought I saw a pussycat.

I thought I saw a pussycat.

Now say... Sally sells seashells by the seashore.

I need

you in the bathroom.

Now. What is so important?

It's 3 a.m.

What's going on?

Promise you won't get mad. I'm already mad. Promise you won't get madder. I'm

already madder.

Okay, forget it. Go back to bed.

Faith!

Oh, my God! You got your tongue pierced!

What did I tell you?

You said no eyeball nose of Eliathan.

What?

When did this happen?

At the mall.

Mom, it really hurts.

Stick out your tongue.

Faith, I can't believe you took Sydney to the mall to get her tongue pierced. I

didn't. I took her to the library. She snuck off to the mall while I was

getting a lip wax.

And let that be a gentle reminder to you.

Why didn't you tell me? I just did, Tom Selleck.

Oh, you just look so swollen. It's pinching. I'm gonna go get your dad. No,

you can't do that. He'll blame everything on me. Please, can't we just

take it out ourselves?

All right.

Oh, oh, oh, God, you're hurting me.

Let's just disinfect it first. Faith, go get the peroxide.

Hey.

What are you doing in here?

Showering. What else would I be doing in the shower?

Why isn't the water on?

It is on.

You know, uh...

I could use a shower myself.

No, you couldn't. You smell great.

Yeah, but I'm feeling very dirty.

What was that?

Excellent.

I'll see you in our shower.

What's wrong with this one?

Uh, this is the kids' bathroom.

So, we've done it in their rooms.

No one's asleep, no one will know a thing.

I'm just out of the mood.

Yeah, well, maybe this will get you in the mood.

It's out.

Oh, thank God.

Here. Rinse with this.

You know, this was so painful and such a huge mistake that I think we can all

agree that this was punishment enough, and I've learned my lesson.

Nice try.

Grounded for two weeks. Now go upstairs.

And as for you... I think...

Seeing my sister's husband naked was

so painful and such a big mistake that we can all agree...

Shut your mouth.

Okay, fine. I'm grounded for two weeks.

Hope?

Charlie.

It's not Faith's fault Sydney snuck off to the mall and got her tongue pierced.

No, but it is her fault that she... covered for her and didn't tell us.

Sidney's tongue could have gotten infected.

Faith, Charlie's right.

Covering for Sidney doesn't do her any good.

She has to start taking responsibility for her actions.

You know, Hope, I could say the same thing to you.

You cover for Faith all the time.

She never takes responsibility for her actions.

It's got you there, Hope.

We had an agreement.

Yeah, but I don't think this one counts.

Oh, that's right.

It never counts with your sister.

Yeah. I guess you don't just choose Faith over me.

Choose her over your kids, too.

Well,

of course you choose me. We're sisters.

I was here before any of them.

Faith, you have to go.

No, I'm good. I went in the shower.

No, I mean... you have to move out.

Okay.

Well, fine.

You don't have to tell me twice.

But just so I'm clear, uh-oh.

I'm sorry, Faith.

But I have to put my family first.

Funny.

I thought I was her family.

Justin. Sorry.

Frank.

We've been through a lot, you and I.

Don't tell the girls, but you were always my favorite.

Haley.

Sweet Haley.

You have curly hair.

Sydney.

Keep in touch, but don't hound me.

Ah, Charles.

My worthy opponent.

Touché, my friend.

Touché.

Call me when you get settled.

I'm sorry.

I thought I heard something that sounded like my sister.

But that's not possible.

Because my sister is dead.

I don't think she meant that.