Original subtitles

-[dog barks] -[cat meows]

[musical tone]

[vintage film projector countdown beep]

["When U Love Somebody" by Fruit Bats playing]

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Remember on the bus ♪

♪ And my hand was on your knee ♪

♪ When you love somebody ♪

♪ It's hard to think about ♪

♪ Anything but to breathe ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ I am the cub ♪

♪ Who was washed out in the flood ♪

♪ When you love somebody ♪

♪ Bite your tongue ♪

♪ All you get is a mouthful of blood ♪

-[dramatic thud] -[song stops abruptly]

[man] Congratulations. You did it.

Today is the day

we dissolve this beautiful

but failed marriage.

You're starting a new chapter.

Together.

Well, not together...

Apart. [chuckles]

I am just so...

proud

of you guys for arriving,

at this place,

peacefully in mediation. It's just wonderful.

But even under the best of circumstances,

divorce is still...

one of the most traumatic experiences

you will ever go through. It's a death, really.

It's not just the end of this couple,

it's the end of this family.

I mean, think of all the things you'll miss.

With shared custody,

you might not be there the first time

your daughter rides a bike. Her first date,

her first time mounting a horse.

My girl rides. [slurps]

And then you are destined to have to share your child

with another woman.

Or another man.

Of course, that could be possible.

Or a woman.

Or you know, maybe you are bi.

Bi-curious, pan.

I'm not here to judge I'm, you know...

I'm here to avoid a judge.

[taps table]

Fascinating guy.

Ugh.

When did you start smoking again?

When we started divorcing.

-[lighter clicking] -Fuck. I cannot.

-You just... -What?

Here, it's better than you drinking again, I guess.

-Well, I'm not doing that. -Good.

Thank you. I don't smoke

-in front of Lucy, by the way. -You're welcome.

-Good. -Because I know you're already going to be like,

-"Don't smoke in front of Lucy." I don't. -Yeah. Don't.

-I don't. -Also, don't smoke in front of any men,

if you're looking to get a date or a boyfriend, because it's gross.

-You dated me. -How'd that turn out?

Sorry.

Um, I'm just gonna mention that on Sara's YouTube channel

there are some really good deep breathing exercises.

Uh, breath, relaxation, stress relief.

-Maybe instead of that? -Oh, your new girlfriend

has a YouTube channel to help me breathe?

-Yup. -[inhales deeply]

I am breathing.

[exhales deeply] Very deeply.

Okay.

I fucking hate this.

[sighs] Fuck!

[exhales]

["Something's Wrong, Right?" by True Jackson playing]

♪ Made up my mind ♪

♪ Wasted my time on you ♪

♪ What did I do? ♪

♪ You wasted my worth ♪

♪ You're sweet but I'm hurting, too ♪

♪ This isn't best for me or you ♪

[phone notification]

♪ But I know I'm worth it ♪

♪ Worth more than him ♪

[sniffles]

♪ But not... ♪

["Serena Downtown" by Illusion Hills playing]

♪ I'm trying to see your face ♪

♪ Get your head out yo phone ♪

♪ I'm trying to see your face ♪

♪ I pull up in a-- And I pick you up at ♪

♪ We go kick it like-- Then we do it all again ♪

♪ What you do this weekend ♪

♪ You lie and say you sleeping ♪

♪ Girl, why you tweaking ♪

♪ You know you wanna be with me ♪

♪ Get your head out yo phone ♪

♪ I'm trying to see your face... ♪

["Willy was a Whale" by Justin Roberts playing]

[Lauren] Hey, sweetie. What are you working on?

It's a list for you.

-For me? -Yep.

What is it?

"If you're not this, then never mind"?

What-- What is this?

Requirements for your new boyfriend.

-My new boyfriend? -Yeah.

Sara says if you want something,

you have to be really clear with your intentions

in order to manifest them.

Oh, okay.

And I really want you

-to have a boyfriend. -[scoffs] Why?

Because I don't want you to be alone.

I'm not going to be alone. I have you.

I know, but I won't be here all the time now,

and I want to make sure you have someone.

-Okay. -He has to like cats and dogs.

Mm-hmm. Wait, that... that could be hard.

Cats and dogs?

Has to be both. That's a deal-breaker.

-[doorbell] -Okay, but they don't

always like each other.

Hey. Oh.

Oh. [laughs]

-Hey, Kate. -[laughing] Hey.

[Lucy] Look what I'm making for my mom.

It's the stuff my mom's new boyfriend has to have.

It's an intentions list.

If you want something,

you have to see it really clearly first.

Cool. Well, will you make me one to take to grad school?

But I don't want you to go.

Sweetie, I'm gonna come back every summer, I promise.

[sighs] I hate that everybody has to leave.

That's-- That's definitely true.

That happens when you get older.

But the cool thing is, they always come back.

-Oh, yay, macaroni! -Oh, yay!

Well, I guess I'll, um, go get ready.

Oh, please. Go have fun,

because we're gonna have a lot of fun, right?

-[Lucy] Yeah. -[mouthing]

You hold all the power in the universe.

This is good news.

Because that means you create your reality.

Are you kidding me?

-[phone rings] -It's on you.

Oh.

[beep]

Hi.

Uh-oh. What's wrong?

I was just stalking my

ex's girlfriend on YouTube.

That's a good idea.

Why are you torturing yourself?

You know, I just thought I'd make this day even better.

Anyone whose job title is "influencer"

needs to be shot right between the eyes.

Lucy loves her.

That's bullshit. She loves you.

Right now, that...

What is her name? Who cares?

-Sara. -She's a shiny object, right?

She's gonna hate her eventually like the rest of us.

Well, I don't want her to hate her.

See, I know you. You've got to get your anger out,

'cause otherwise, you're gonna bottle it up inside

and start doing some crazy shit.

Crazy shit like starting an acting class

the day I signed my divorce papers,

like that crazy shit?

See, now, that is not crazy.

That is you, like, having a fresh start.

That's you going back to doing something that you loved

before you started adulting

and being a mommy and all that.

You used to be a pretty good actor.

Remember how great you were in Fiddler?

That was in high school.

I don't know. Miss Verona was like,

"Oh, my God, you're the best actor we've ever seen."

And you were like-- [vocalizing]

Stop. [laughs]

I knew that would get you laughing.

I love you. Thank you.

I love you. Ride or die.

Ride or die.

[people crying]

[Jonah] Why?

Damn it!

[wailing]

[sobbing]

Wonderful!, wonderful!

Thank you. Yes.

Do not get up.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

-You need... -[dog whines]

...to listen.

Listen.

Bad listening is bad acting.

I will not have it.

I just won't waste my time.

Mm.

I was just...

One thing I can't stand,

soft touch.

-Okay. -Uh-huh.

You want my attention?

Better grab me, okay?

Pull me by the hair.

Yank it!

Ram your tongue down my throat.

-Huh. -Now, I'm aroused.

Yes. What is your question?

I'm just... I think I'm in the...

I signed up for On-Camera Commercial.

That is correct.

Oh. Okay. I just...

I'm sorry, with all the crying and everything...

[Liz] Hm.

What's your name?

Lauren.

Lauren the new girl.

That's right.

Who wants to tell Lauren why we cry

in a commercial acting class, huh?

No one.

Shocking.

If you can't act for 30 or 60 seconds,

you can't act at all.

Crying forces openness

and vulnerability.

And openness and vulnerability make you a better actor.

If you can give me

a fully realized performance in 30 seconds...

[grunts] ...that is good fucking acting!

[dog whining]

Kiki. Poor baby, you had to go potty.

Patrick, clean that shit up and light a candle.

I've paired you up for Blue Surge by Rebecca Gilman.

One of you will be The Guy.

One of you will be The Prostitute.

But feel free to choose your roles

regardless of gender or sex-work experience.

-[snorts] -Sex work is not a joke.

Go, move. Look at the list.

-[upbeat music starts] -Check out your partner.

Take a ten-minute break.

[mouths]

-Thank you. -Yeah, anytime.

I don't usually smoke, but that was, like, so intense.

Oh, Liz is amazing.

How do you have such gorgeous skin and smoke?

[chuckles] Good genes.

My mom's, like, 50 and looks 30.

Your mom is 50?

-Yeah. -Wow.

Oh, my God. Is that a cushion cut?

I forgot to take these off.

I, um,

signed my divorce papers today.

-I got divorced, too! -Aw.

I still have anxiety attacks.

I read it takes six years to feel normal again,

and I'm only halfway through my fifth.

-[laughs] -Yay.

-Six years, huh. -[Mark] Yeah.

But the pain is great for the craft, you know?

Yeah, no. The crying was, like, really good in there.

-It was great. -[Lauren] Yeah.

-[whimpering] Thank you. -Can I take a picture?

-Sorry. -No, no, I'm finished.

-[Maria] Can I take a picture of this? -[Lauren] Sure.

My fiance got me this one.

-[exhales] -I'm not really crazy about it,

but the setting of yours is perfect.

You're engaged?

Yeah, wedding is coming up soon.

-[Maria laughs] -That's so exciting.

-I guess. -You want it?

-Yeah. -Don't take it, it's cursed.

I guess I'll, um...

take these off.

Okay, guys. Break's over.

Let's get back in there.

[Sean] Mm-hmm.

Um, Lauren?

-Yeah. -Uh...

Here's my number.

Oh, I don't know if I'm...

Oh, no, no, no. Uh, for rehearsing.

-[laughs] Yeah, of course, sorry. -Yeah, yeah.

That was stupid. I'm so, so, sorry.

No, no, no, it's all right.

[mouths]

[upbeat music]

[Sean] Hey.

-Hi. -Hi.

[gasps]

-Sorry. -Oop.

Hi.

You know, you can take your shoes off.

Keep it Japanese.

[laughs] Okay.

Oh, this is so cute.

-Nice. -Thanks.

Can I-- Can I get you anything to drink?

A beer, wine...

tequila?

Do you have anything, um...

non-alcoholic?

I got tap water.

Great, with ice?

I hate filling up those ice trays.

Okay. Yeah, water is great. Just regular.

Thanks.

Yeah, I got to slim back myself, you know.

It's not keto-friendly in the calories.

-I think that... -Oh, okay.

-...you're doing fine with that. -[Sean laughing]

Uh, hey, can you pass

that little basketball, little fidget?

-This, this? -Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

-Nice, thanks. -Oh, wait.

That's one of those, like,

exercise things.

I've always wanted one of these. They're so nice.

Yeah, a national spot paid for it.

-Whoa. You have a national? -I do.

Wow. Wait, wait.

Why are you in class?

Mm.

I'm just brushing up.

I haven't booked in a while.

I had to move all my stuff in here

and rent out my bedroom to my buddy Dylan.

But it's... it's fine. We get along. It's chill.

I was thinking that...

you should play Kurt, and I should play Sandy.

You know, Liz loves when you switch up the gender roles.

-Um... -Do you have your sides?

Is that the script?

-The script. -Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I brought it. Um...

-I brought my sides. -Yeah, okay

Um...

No, yeah. No, no, no. I don't think I can--

I don't think we can do that, 'cause Curt has the monologue,

and I don't think I can do a monologue.

No, no, no, you can.

You totally can.

No, I literally, like, just...

-I haven't done this in so long. -No, please.

Lauren, I will... I'll help you through it.

It'll be fun. It'll be a good time.

All right. Let's go. You ready?

-Yeah. -Okay.

[clears throat]

"I can't believe how nice you are to me.

Why are you so nice to me?"

"I don't know.

I'm 36 years old. I...

shouldn't have even talked to you.

I just felt we had something in common."

"But we do."

Um...

"But I never should have expected so much from you."

"That is the meanest thing

anybody's ever said to me."

"Sandy, no, no, no, no.

I'm sorry. Please, don't go."

You didn't say that you'd quit or anything.

I just had it in my head that...

maybe you would. I...

thought maybe things could be different...

for you.

Not for me, but...

for you.

I don't know. I don't know.

I've been asking myself all week

why I'm with you, and...

I still don't know.

-[applause] -[Maria laughs]

[Maria laughs]

[laughs] Stop it.

Mm.

Did you read the play?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

You said that we could play either part.

Yes.

Yes, I did.

Mm-hmm.

But that is not the problem.

Had you read the play,

I mean...

really read it...

you would know

that the tension rests on their inability

to be together.

They may want it...

mm, but they can't have it.

You can't have it.

They never crossed that line!

You can act your asses off.

But if you are not serving the text,

you are serving your ego.

I'd rather watch Kiki take a shit.

-At least it's honest. -Mm.

You need to go home tonight and work on this

while it's still fresh.

You can run it again next week.

Love to get those five minutes back.

Who's next?

Me.

Let's see what you got. [exhales]

-[dog whines] -[crunches mint]

Wow. Okay.

Should we just, like, start from the top or something?

-Yeah. Let's go. -Okay.

I can't believe how nice you are to me.

Why are you so nice to me?

I don't know.

I'm such an idiot. [clears throat]

I like you so-- Okay.

I'm-- I'm so sorry about earlier.

I was just...

I was really in the moment,

and it felt right to kiss you.

Yeah.

-Yeah, okay. -Was-- Was that okay?

I realized I did not ask,

-and I should have asked. -Yeah, no...

-Okay. -It was, um...

-Okay. -No, It was mutual.

-Okay. -Yeah.

Consent. Okay.

Well, you were so incredible in there. Really.

Really?

Thanks. I mean, so were you.

Really. You're so good.

Thanks.

You're also a really good kisser.

I am?

-Yes, you are. -[giggles]

So are you.

[moaning, panting]

Should we get on the bed?

-Yes. -Yeah.

-Where is it? -Okay.

You're sittin' on it.

Oh, you mean, this is--?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -It's a thing.

-A fold, fold, what... fold out. -Yeah, all right, okay.

-Do you want me to help you? -No, no, nope, you're fine.

-Are you sure? -Yep, you're totally all right.

Okay.

Um, do you mind if I just like...

-No please, please, please. -Like lights.

Thanks. [nervous laugh] Okay.

Oh... Uh...

-Great. -All right.

-Maybe just, uh... -Yeah, get comfy.

-Okay. -All right.

-Very... okay. -Come here.

-Are you okay? -Yeah.

-[laughs] Okay, okay. -Just come here.

[kissing]

Just getting right to it.

[nervous laugh] Sorry.

-Doing it, okay. -I just wanna...

-Yup, yup. -Okay.

Wow, these are so tight.

-What, what? -I'm sorry.

-I'm not used to skinny jeans on guys. -Okay.

-Are you making fun of my jeans? -Are these Jeggings?

Are you making fun of my jeans?

No, I'm serious. They're so tight.

Are you making fun of 'em?

Are you making fun of my jeans?

-[laughing] Stop, stop it. -No, what's going on?

-You ticklish? -Stop!

Are you--

You okay?

I peed.

-You-- You what? -I peed. I peed. I peed.

-Oh. Okay. -I'm so sorry.

No, no, it's not okay. It's, like, a thing.

When you have a baby,

sometimes, like, when you laugh really hard

there's leakage, and I just like, I leaked.

It's just that--

Oh, my God. It's a lot.

I'm so sorry. I...

um, shit.

Sorry. Let me just try to clean it up with a...

with the thing...

-Oh, God, these are wet. -Maybe that--

No, that's gross. That's, okay. Um...

Let me get a towel. I'm just gonna get a towel.

Okay, no, it's...

I will clean this up.

I'm so embarrassed. I'm so sorry.

-Uh... -Sean-y Boy, you got a charger?

Yeah, Dylan. It's on the desk right there.

Lauren, this is Dylan. Dylan, this is Lauren.

-Yo. -This is my script partner.

We were-- we were rehearsing.

Oh. Seems like a hell of a class.

Oh, it's great, it's great.

It's amazing.

[Dylan] I'll let y'all finish.

Unless you already finished!

-I'm talking about cum. -[laughs]

-Gobble-gobble up. -[Sean] Right on.

-[Dylan] Lates. -[Sean] Later.

[Lauren exhales]

[sighs]

I gotta go.

-What? -I'm so sorry.

-Oh, my God. -Are you sure?

You're welcome to spend the night.

-No, no, I'm good. -It's no big deal.

No, no, it's good. It's fine, I'm fine.

I'm just gonna-- I'm just gonna go home.

I'm really sorry about that. I can, um...

-get you a new couch. -No.

A bed. Whatever... pull out.

And just, uh...

Whoo! That was pretty wild.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

I didn't realize your roommate was a girl.

I mean you, said Dylan and...

-Not that it matters. -Please no, no.

I have people stay over all the time.

-Ah. -It's really no big deal.

-Oh, great. -No, no, no. Not like that.

-You know what I mean. -I really don't.

That's the problem. I'm a mom, and...

I don't do this kind of stuff, and...

like, I don't have, like, roommates, and like...

I have my own chargers.

I have a lot of chargers, and they're mine,

and I don't-- No one borrows them...

-I mean, so... -Yeah.

I don't actually know, so...

-Lauren? Lauren? -Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

-Lauren? -Yeah!

Yeah.

-Just before you go... -Yeah!

There's no pressure at all.

-Okay? -Yeah.

I just-- I want you to know

that I think that you're awesome.

-Oh. Yeah. -Okay?

And I love hanging out with you

and just acting with you.

-Yeah. Thanks. -So...

leave with that.

-Okay. -Yeah.

-Okay. -Yeah, okay. Bye.

All right. Okay.

All right.

[Julie] Are you crazy?

Why did you leave?

[whispering] I literally peed in his bed.

Yeah, he probably loved it.

He's probably got his face in your pee right now...

-[inhales] ...whacking off. -You're so disgusting.

Why? Let the fluids fucking fly.

No, his roommate saw me in my underwear.

I mean, have you never heard of a threesome?

It was a girl. Okay.

-It was a girl. -What?

A girl?

-That's even better. -Yeah, for you.

Sorry, I don't swing both ways.

That's your loss.

Yes, well, fine.

-A lot more options. -Okay.

It was so weird. I haven't been

with another man in, like,

over a decade.

I don't even know if this guy qualifies as a man.

I mean, he is so, so young.

He had snapback hats as wall art.

Great. I like this.

I like that he is using art.

He's wearing-- He's wearing his art.

He's eco-friendly. He's an environmentalist.

-I don't see a problem here. -What's the problem...

-Do you remember Mrs. Roper? -Yes, of course.

The most disgusting horny old lady in a kaftan?

I love Mrs. Rop-- Don't do that, okay?

Stop. Fuck, this is the fucking patriarchy.

Tom Cruise is, like, 70, and he's with a 25-year-old

-fucking woman, doing... -He's not 70.

Whatever. He's cl-- But we--

We can't? We're not allowed?

If you're still flowing,

you can do whatever the fuck you want.

Oh, my God, stop.

[loudly] No, hey, look. Fuck the patriarchy!

I was just-- I mean, this house is--

-Um, it's a year lease and... -How long is the lease?

Oh, my God. What about the schools?

-How are the schools? -They're gone.

-Oh. -Okay, they're gone.

-Schools are gone. -You cannot visit me

at work anymore.

[instrumental music]

-Maybe I'm just not funny. -[Maria] What?

[Patrick] Well, that's certainly not true.

I know that you're funny.

What you need is more time to play.

Like, you should come with me to UCB sometime.

You know, we need more women.

Oh, yeah, do we?

Why do you think we need more women?

In improv?

'Cause men don't want to fuck funny women.

That is-- I fuck funny women all the time.

Jonah, you would literally fuck mud.

This is not a conversation for you to be a part of.

Improv is not, like, a sexy thing.

It's not. I mean, shit.

I was fucking this guy last weekend,

and it's really great, it was hot, and he's like...

"Oh, you want to do it doggy style?"

And I was like "Yes, and..." and nothing!

Fucking boner killer!

Oh, my God!

Lauren!

-[Lauren] Sorry. I'm so sorry. -Jesus!

Okay, Lauren is not threatened by funny women.

I guess she thinks they deserve to be punished.

I'm so sorry.

-My God. -I'm so sorry.

You know what we should do, on that note,

"guys versus girls celebrity."

-Yes! -Yeah, yeah.

-[cheering] -["Came to Win" by Micki Ronnae playing]

♪ I play for keeps and you know I came to win... ♪

Three words.

♪ Yeah, you know I came to win ♪

♪ I play for keeps and you know I came to win ♪

♪ Yeah, you know I came to win ♪

♪ I play for keeps and you know I came to win ♪

♪ Yeah, you know I came to win ♪

♪ I play for keeps and you know I came to win ♪

♪ Yeah, you know I came to win ♪

♪ I call the shots and I rock my competitors ♪

♪ Stuck in the past I outlast, I'm head of ya... ♪

[cheering]

-...how to light the fire. -Oh!

[Lauren] This is so not me.

I'm usually in bed at, like, nine o'clock.

I've just completely changed with this class.

And I have to, like, have an open house at, like, 8:00 a.m., I think.

What, is that, like, five hours?

So lucky though that you have this, like, flexible job.

It allows you to audition whenever you want.

I'm jealous.

Yeah, all those auditions...

I've never had an audition.

All right. What do you mean?

Uh, I've never had an audition.

What do you mean you've never had an audition?

I mean, I had one in high school,

-but does that count? -No...

No, it doesn't count.

What do you mean? That's-- That's impossible.

Listen to me, Lo...

-You are remarkable. -What's "Lo"?

Lo, it's how they shorten "Lauren."

-Oh, I like that. -Yeah.

Do you, like, have headshots or something? Or...

I have like those, like, work pics that you need

-when you're a realtor. -Like the LinkedIn thing?

-That's so hot. -Yes.

Yeah, LinkedIn is really hot.

Okay, so...

you're gonna give me a couple. You're gonna, like, print them

old school, the headshots, then I'm gonna walk them

into Offsite Casting the next time I'm there.

-Are you serious? -Yes. I'm like...

Don't tell them, I'm like an Offsite...

darling.

I'm not surprised.

[laughing]

They do. They love me.

-Oh, my God. -No.

I want what's best for you, seriously.

Gosh, that is so sweet.

I love you, too.

I love this whole class.

I'm so glad I did this.

Oh, my God, wait. Wait!

I have an idea!

[squeals]

I want you all in my wedding!

And I love you so much!

[screaming]

-Hug me, hug me, hug me! -[all exclaiming]

So excited!

Hug me, hug me, ahh!

[all cheering]

I'm so excited!

-I'm gonna look so pretty! -Yes, you are!

[indistinct conversation]

Hey, you okay?

Yeah, yeah, I just...

thought I should get going.

It's so late.

I just kind of noticed

things kind of went south after the...

wedding was brought up.

You are so... sweet.

I... just... Yeah, it was like, I mean...

I'm so happy for her, I just don't really know if a wedding

is a great idea for me right now.

Um, I mean, I'll be there...

with you.

-Oh, you will? -Yeah, promise.

You'll be with me the whole time?

Promise.

Okay, pinky promise?

I didn't know we were gonna get that serious,

but, yeah, pinky promise.

Okay.

[Lauren] Why did I say okay?

Because a total smoke-show invited you to go.

[Lauren] It's a whole weekend of outfits,

and I hate everything I own.

What'd you tell Chase?

Just told him I was going to a wedding.

Now, he's taking Lucy with Sara

to his mom's house for the weekend.

-What? -Yeah.

Oh, my God. Men are so pathetic.

They can't be alone for one second.

Is this closed?

I mean, no.

That, what did you...

I think I remember you wearing that

to the eighth grade dance.

-Shut up. -What are you doing?

-Get me another one. -Gross.

-Here. Try something else. -Just give me something else.

-Put this on. -Thank you. Okay.

[phone chimes]

Oh, Sean. Speak of the devil.

[imitating Sean] "Hey, Queen, wanna carpool?

-I got a sweet ride." -Wait, what?

[imitating Lauren] "Jesus, yes. Yes, let's do that."

-What are you doing? -Thank you.

No, no, no, no, no, fuck.

-I'm saying yes for you. -No!

I cannot. I need to bring my own car.

-Why? -Because I need to be able to leave.

Actually, I get that.

-Can you help me with this? -Let me help.

Oh.

-This ain't bad, right? -I'm okay with this.

-It's comfortable. -[phone chimes]

Pretty comfortable. You look hot.

[imitating Sean] "Whoa, no presh.

I'm here if you change your mind.

And sidebar, I'd go down on you

in the bathroom if you want to.

You pee wherever you like.

You just go and pee right in the toilet..."

-Hey, that's not funny. -"...while I'm going down on you."

That's not funny.

-Okay. -You look hot.

-Is this too much? -God, are you kidding?

That's no such thing.

I found this in the closet,

and it's almost the exact same color

Are you going to a quinceanera?

I mean, what are you doing?

Okay, Blanche DuBois, get that off. Get it off.

Do you have your toothbrush?

-Yep. -And, um, sunscreen?

Yeah.

[deep exhale]

Ready?

Okay, here we go.

-Hi. -Sara!

Oh, I'm so glad to see you.

-I'm so happy to see you. -Here.

[Lucy] Me, too.

-Do you want it, or...? -Thank you.

We're going to have so much fun.

Hey, beautiful lady.

Hi.

Mmm.

Okay. Hi.

Yeah, okay.

Okay.

Wait, Lucy!

-Did you forget something? -What?

-I need a hug. -Oh.

Yeah, thank you.

-Have fun, okay? -Okay.

Say hi to Grandma.

[Sara] I got you some crafts. Come on in...

Wow! All this from YouTube videos.

Yeah, a sponsorship.

She's very, very good at it.

-Impressive, right? -Oh, yeah, very impressive.

Lauren!

[exhales]

-Lauren. -Yeah?

Yeah, are you forgetting anything?

-I don't know. -I need to know

where you're going and, like,

the name of the hotel, in case of emergency or something.

We're co-parenting now, so just hit me up.

Um, well, I'm going to Palm Springs.

I'm going to be gone for the weekend.

I will send you... of the hotel when I get home.

Okay.

Um, how are ya gettin' there?

I'm driving.

-I mean! -Oh, God.

-It's not even legal. -No, hey, this just broke.

I didn't want to make a deal out of this

but you shouldn't have driven Lucy in this,

and I don't want you driving to the desert in it!

I'm not. I'm actually not.

I'm not driving this car there.

I'm dropping it off right now at a mechanic's,

because I made that appointment

for when I'm out of town, so I can get the car when I get back. See?

I thought ahead.

I'm going with someone.

Okay.

Ride safely.

[sighs] Will you say hi to Mom for me?

I mean, your mom!

[door closes]

[exhales]

[upbeat music]

Thank you, she can't sleep without it.

No problem.

It is on the way.

-[gate squeaks] -Oh, God.

-Hey. -Hey.

So glad I caught that before I left.

We've been using the checklist.

They're really helpful, so you can just...

Hey, thank you so much for coming back,

but I told him you didn't have to.

I have plenty of ashwagandha.

I don't know what that is.

Oh, it's a natural anti-anxiety.

She'll sleep like a baby with it.

Well, she sleeps like a baby with that.

That's a natural anti-anxiety.

So...

That's synthetic.

Right, she's gonna cuddle with it.

She's not gonna eat it.

[Sara] It's still synthetic, so...

What Sara is saying that maybe it's time

to replace it with something else.

Chase, shh... he's mansplaining.

She loves the bunny. The bunny loves her.

It doesn't need to be replaced., it works

perfectly as it is, and she doesn't need

-an alternative, okay? -Great. Okay.

Okay, this is a trigger, I can see.

This is really great.

This is where the growth happens.

[Sean] Lauren! Babe.

[electric guitar riffs]

[Sean] Yo! How are you? Sean.

Nice to meet you. Chase.

-Hey, Sean. -[Sara] Hey.

Nice to meet you.

Yeah, we're going to the wedding...

-Party. -Yeah, we got to go.

Nice to meet you.

Bye.

Thank you.

Yeah, I got you.

["Serena Downtown" by Illusion Hills playing]

♪ I pull up in a ♪

[both] ♪ And I pick you up at ♪

♪ We go kick it like ♪

♪ Then we do it all again ♪ ♪ What you do this weekend ♪

♪ You lie and say you sleeping ♪

♪ Girl, why you tweaking ♪

♪ You know you wanna be with me ♪

[Sean] I got you, girl!

♪ Her body language starts to speaking ♪

♪ But we gotta act decent ♪

♪ Talk 'bout life like what's the meaning ♪

♪ Your friends are freaking ♪

♪ They want you there... ♪

-[song fades] -[phone chimes]

Oh.

[Sean] All right.

Wait, what?

-What? -I...

I got an audition!

Like, a commercial audition

-Like a real audition! -That's amazing.

-That's huge! -That, like, Offsite place?

Well, what's it for?

It's like a pharmaceutical.

I don't know. I've never heard of it.

-Aquoxxi or something? -Those pay a shit ton.

Really?

-Oh, my God. -[laughing]

Come on!

Come on! Get real!

That's huge!

-Congrats. -Sorry.

No, no, no, no. You're fine.

I know. I'd be fainting, too.

-[laughing] -That's big.

292...

-28... -Did we go the wrong way?

Oh, no. Here.

-Well. -Cozy.

-Hello. -Hello.

Right next to each other. That's so funny.

[laughs]

[door knock]

One sec.

Hey. [laughs]

-How cool is this? -I know, it's so crazy.

Right? We should leave these open and just make it

one big suite, huh?

Okay, yeah. Sure.

Okay.

All right. I'm going to shower.

All right.

[shower starts running]

Found your little note.

Adjoining rooms.

Mind changed.

[Lauren] Wow! This is where we're hanging out all weekend?

-Glad you came? -This is insane!

Are we early? It's like... I don't see anyone.

Hello?

[blender whirring]

[Sean] Hey, hello.

Oh.

[laughs] Hi.

Sorry, I didn't hear you come in.

-I'm Debbie, Maria's mom. -I'm Sean.

-Hi, Sean. -Hi, Lauren.

[Debbie] Lauren, nice to meet you.

-Did you say "mom"? -Yeah, that's insane!

-I did. -[Lauren] Wow!

She said you looked 30. She wasn't lying. [laughs]

I love my daughter.

Well, so do we.

[laughs]

How do you all know Maria?

-We're in her acting class. -Acting. Yeah.

Oh, wonderful, yeah.

She said she felt so connected to all of you.

Yes. The feeling's mutual.

She's great. [chuckles]

Can I get you a drink? I'm make a mean margarita.

Please.

Salt or no salt?

-I'll take salt. -Salt, good.

-Love me a salty man. -[Sean] Yeah.

[chuckles] And how about you, sweetheart?

You want salt? No salt?

Um, do you have, like, a Diet Coke, maybe?

[laughs] Gosh, you actresses.

-Thank you. -Here you go.

You even old enough to drink?

[laughs]

That's got some kick!

Well, I'm from Texas.

We don't mess around with our tequila.

Hey.

Where is that IPA I put in here?

Chuck had to move them to the garage fridge.

Great.

[Debbie] Dave, these are friends of Maria's from acting class.

Hey, how are you? I'm Sean.

Nice to meet you, Dave.

-Lauren, hi. -Hi.

Thank you for having us in this stunning home.

Thank you. It's not actually my house anymore.

Deb got it in the divorce.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, please. We've all moved on.

Some have moved in.

-[chuckles] -Honey!

Where are we at with the pitcher of margaritas?

You are my favorite.

Do you want to make out?

-Let's make out? -[growling]

Hello, I'm, uh, Chuck. Maria's Staddy.

-Staddy? -[Chuck] Uh, stepdad.

It's a combination of...

and then ya...

But you underplay it,

so that people don't make a big deal of it,

and then later, it registers, so...

David!

Looking good, dude.

Just gonna get the beer

you put out in the garage.

Ah, check the meat drawer.

Pretty sure lower left.

Yeah.

I know where you put your meat.

The only way out is through.

[door closes]

[Chuck exhales]

[whispers] Am I doing something wrong? I don't...

Well, that was fun.

Yeah.

[laughs]

Maria is playing pool with some of her friends

in the room down the hall. Why don't you take a drink, say hi.

She'll be happy to see you.

-Thank you very much. -Great. Thanks.

Enjoy!

[indistinct chatter]

["Willow" by Carly Gibert playing]

♪ I hold the seize every season ♪

♪ Walking overseas everywhere that I've been on ♪

♪ Got the extra seat I be resting my feet on ♪

♪ I'm a star, I'm a star They don't catch up ♪

♪ I might ditch 'em Bitch, I'm fed up ♪

[cheering]

♪ Everything around me a set up ♪

-[overlapping chatter] -Whatever!

Oh, my God! You made it!

Okay, Lauren, Sean, from my acting class.

-This is Cher. -Hi.

-Hey, this is my baby, Aspen. -[Lauren] Hi.

Well, that's Coco. [laughs]

The hottie of the hotties.

This is my Person of Honor, Esther. My person of life.

They go by "they."

Nice to meet they.

-It's just "you." -What's me?

-No, It's... -[Sean] It's just "you."

-What's me? -You could just say "you."

"You" isn't a gendered word.

Oh, my God! I'm so sorry. God, I'm a moron.

No, it's really, I love that you tried something.

It's more than my mom would do.

Not that you're, uh, like a mom.

[Lauren] No, I am a mom.

No, no, no, I am.

-You're a MILF. -She's a mother...

-She's a mother. -She's a mommy.

How do you guys know each other?

That's my best friend.

We've been best friends our whole lives.

I have one of those. Isn't that the greatest?

Wait, have we met before?

Uh, I don't think so.

I'm pretty sure I would have remembered.

You look very familiar to me.

Yes, because this is my very hot,

very single, very almost famous friend

from the constantly running commercial

Desire Deodorant.

That's it!

The girl with the subway!

-[laughter] -[overlapping chatter]

♪ Come here ♪

Babe, I'm best friends with...

-Oh, wow!

♪ From a man that's not a tease ♪

Okay, he actually smells really good.

That's so stupid. So dumb.

Do you mind?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Of course.

-You got it. You got it. -Okay, you guys.

Let's do it, let's do it.

Okay, ready?

Can you take a bunch? It's not like film, you know.

Yeah, just like keep hitting the button.

And do some in 0.5, do some in 0.5.

Just keep pressing the button.

[Cher] Do a couple in 0.5.

[Coco] Do 0.5, too.

[group chatter]

["Poppin' Like That" by Felt playing]

♪ It's impossible to hide the way we got it like that ♪

♪ Let's change the tempo Learn to let go ♪

♪ Everything we do We keep it true, true, true ♪

♪ We're a masterpiece in a galaxy ♪

♪ Living rhapsody-dy-dy-dy ♪

[music stops abruptly]

-[shrieks] -Oh, my God!

[Lauren] Oh shit. I'm so sorry.

Fuck! Did you crack it?

-I'm sorry, I'm sorry. -Did you crack it?

-No, no, no, I think it's-- -Okay, it's fine.

-I'm sorry. -It's all right.

[awkward chuckle]

Um, I have to pee.

-Which one is the...? -Um, to the right.

-Okay, great thanks. -[Maria] Yes.

Thanks, sorry. I'm so sorry.

There's, like, a thousand hot women out there,

and they're all single, and they all want Sean,

and I've been here, like, five minutes.

Well, too bad, because Sean wants you.

I don't think so, not really anymore,

now that we've met Coco.

Coco? How old is Coco?

Seriously, she's one of the hottest girls

I've ever seen in my entire life.

He clearly prefers the peri-menopausal pussy.

[stifling laughter]

-There she is. -[groans]

Look, parties always suck for the first hour or so,

and then, it just gets better. You're gonna have fun.

-All right, love you. -They got nothing on you.

-Okay. -Put it to good use.

Thank you, goodbye.

-Bye. -Oh, my God.

-[laughs] -[phone chimes]

What?

[Lauren] "Save Your Baby Now!" What?

Hello, my darlings.

Today, I want to talk to you about trauma.

You never know when a trauma response

is gonna sneak up on you

and try to take you out.

So, today, I want to teach you a quick little exercise

that you can do anytime, anywhere,

to keep your toddler brain in check

and bring your parasympathetic nervous system back online.

Take a deep breath and put your arms in cradle position.

So silly.

I know, I know. You're resisting.

Do it.

Oh, fucking Christ, fine.

Good, good. Now, look down

and tell your baby-self that you love her.

I'm waiting.

Okay, okay.

Uh...

I... I... I love you.

And now, I want you to tell your baby-self

that you are here.

I'm not gonna say this. It's so stu--

Go ahead.

And I'm here.

[Sara] Beautiful. And now tell your baby-self

that you will always, always be here.

And I'm always gonna be here.

[Sara] Good. I want you to sing her

a gentle lullaby.

[deep breath]

♪ Lullaby and goodnight ♪

[Sara] Good.

♪ And I'll see you tomorrow ♪

Good.

♪ I love you ♪

[whimpering]

Louder.

[loudly] ♪ I love you ♪

[Sara] Yes.

♪ And everything you do ♪

[Sara] Yes, my darling.

♪ I love you ♪

♪ And everything you do ♪

Uh, you okay?

I dropped her.

Who?

Don't you knock?

I knocked a lot. You didn't answer.

-You okay? -Yeah, I'm fine.

-Okay. -I was working on a...

[guests cheering]

...a monologue,

-for my acting class. -What?

[Lauren] I was rehearsing. I was rehearsing.

Rehearsing?

Great acoustics in here.

Oh. You wanna rehearse somewhere else,

so I can take a leak?

Oh, yeah. Sorry. Yes.

["Aperol Spritz" by Claire Nichols playing]

♪ Cherry lip gloss, bitch On an Adderall kick ♪

♪ Oh, I know you want me ♪

♪ I know you want me... ♪

I'm getting married.

-Yes, you are. -[guests laughing]

And it's gonna be beautiful.

No, I know. It's going to be perfect.

But I'm, like, spooked. It just feels like...

What if things go wrong? Or whatever.

But of course you are. That's totally normal.

I think it would be weird if you weren't a little scared.

You're basically signing up for a lifetime

of hooking up with only one person. It's terrifying.

[Maria] That's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about the wedding.

Not the actual marriage itself.

I'm talking about the rain, and what if it rains tomorrow?

Actually, that's good luck.

-On your wedding day. -You're sweet.

-Really? -Everybody knows that.

I don't believe that.

That was a line from the song my mom likes.

No, no, no. That's "Isn't It Ironic,"

and it's about irony. But it's actually not irony.

-Hey. Do you guys know Justine? -It's a great song, though.

Of course you know Justine, my fiancee.

-Hey! -Um, Adam's got COVID,

so he's not going to be in the wedding.

-I'm sure he's just hungover. -No, he didn't. Oh, my...

-I shouldn't have asked him. -Fuck.

-No! -[Justine] No, it's fine.

One of-- One of your friends can just stand in, right?

Oh, I jinxed it!

Babe, it's gonna be okay.

It's literally not. It's gonna look weird.

[indistinct chatter]

[Maira] Sean.

The bridesmaids love you.

Yeah, yes, absolutely, yeah.

-I'm down! -[Maria] Really?

-For sure! -Yeah?

-I'll do it. For sure. -[Maria] That's it. Really?

Seriously, thank you. [laughs]

-[Justine] So much, seriously. -Of course.

It's gonna to be nice.

I love you. Um...

-You're gonna walk with Coco. -[chokes]

-Okay. -[Maria] And...

it's gonna be really cool.

You're gonna look so good together.

Cool.

[Maria] Ah! You're gonna... [shrieks]

Give me hug! Give me hug! [laughs]

I can't believe it!

[overlapping chatter]

You figure out what looks you want.

Yeah, I'm getting nervous now.

What are you gonna wear?

Well, these pants, actually, I think, would match.

Don't like those. Can he borrow your shoes?

Hey. Sorry. I saw a smoker.

Do you mind if I bum one?

Yeah, yeah. For sure.

And get under the umbrella. It's starting to rain.

-[Lauren] Are you sure? -Yeah.

I don't want to invade your privacy.

-You're good. -I really should've

brought my own, but I'm pretending that I don't smoke.

I'm just happy there's another smoker here.

I always feel like such an asshole, like, ugh.

I know. We could be assholes together.

-Okay. -[laughs]

Huh.

Isn't it funny?

Like, you get hurt, and the first thing

you wanna to do is something

that hurts yourself.

Bitch, what?

I'm sorry.

-I'm so sorry. -Are you okay?

[Lauren laughs]

Sorry. That was really dark.

-Yeah. -Sorry.

-A little bit. -Yeah.

I'm having a day.

Having a day!

-[laughs] -Okay.

Are you with...

Butch Bride or...

Femme Bride? Who are you with?

-Femme! -Hm.

Maria.

-Butch. -Yes.

You must be related to Justine.

Yeah. I'm her brother, actually.

-No. -Yeah.

Wait, so you're both...?

Yeah, I'm gay, too.

-[laughs] -I know. Yeah.

-[laughs] -Yeah, it happens.

Yeah. That's kind of crazy.

More proof of the gay gene thing.

Yeah. True.

I'm also her Best Man.

Man, yeah. Funny. Wait. But that's fun.

That's so cool.

It's kind of like being, like, famous a little bit.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

-But not Kim famous. -Right, right.

-Like Kourtney. -Like Kourtney.

Ah! Shut the fuck up, bitch!

-[laughs] -My God, yes!

My God. I love you.

We should be, like, besties or something.

Hey. I could use one.

We'll hang out. Oh, my God.

-What? -You can be Rupert Everett,

and I can be Julia Roberts.

Who the fuck is Rupert Everett?

Oh, my God. Why doesn't anyone know what anything is?

He's like the original OG gay.

O... Okay.

Rupert Everett is the gay best friend to Julia Roberts

in My Best Friend's Wedding.

And Julia Roberts goes to this wedding,

and she, like, almost destroys the entire wedding,

and he comes at the end and shows up to save her.

Mm.

All right.

You know, I do love when Miss Julia serves "cunt," honey.

Oh, my God, no. "Cunt" is like a... like a compliment now.

-It is? -Yes. It's like, um...

-Jesus, not when I was young. -"Cunt" is like, um...

Like serving sickening,

undeniably,

femme,

and fierce...

You, right now.

-Seriously? -Yes, ma'am.

-[high-pitched] Cunt. -[imitating] Serving cunt.

-[high-pitched] Cunt! -[imitating] Serving cunt.

-[laughing] -You know what I mean?

You know what I mean.

Wait. I'm Lauren, by the way.

Hi, I'm Todd.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

[upbeat music]

[overlapping guest chatter]

["Push It" by Salt-N-Pepa playing]

♪ Ooh, baby, baby ♪

♪ Baby, baby ♪

♪ Ooh, baby, baby ♪

♪ Ba-baby, baby ♪

♪ Ah, push it ♪

♪ Salt-n-Pepa, Salt-n-Pepa, Salt-n-Pepa ♪

♪ Ooh, baby, baby ♪

♪ Baby, baby ♪

♪ Ooh, baby, baby ♪

♪ Ba-baby, baby ♪

[heavy breathing]

♪ Push it good... ♪

Just give me a second.

♪ Push it real good ♪

♪ Ah, push it ♪

[music stops]

[exhales]

[exhales]

[snoring]

You look so pretty.

Oh, thanks.

I'm, uh, yeah, I'm going to a wedding.

All dressed up.

Is that gonna be okay for you?

Yeah, no, I'm fine. I'm just, um...

Just miss my little girl.

Could I maybe say a quick hi?

Oh, sure. I'll go get her.

-Okay. -[Judy] Luce?

[Lucy] Grandma, I found a kitten.

-[Judy] It's so cute. -[meow]

What's going on?

Lucy has found a stray kitten in the backyard

and Chase just told her she can take it home with her.

-[Sara] Oh it's so cute. -Oh, a kitten?

[Chase] Get off the phone Lucy wants you to see this.

Yeah. Well, um... That's cool.

[Judy] Listen. Can we call you back?

I'm not gonna get this kid away from that kitten.

Okay, yeah. No, no, of course.

All right. Bye, Sweetheart.

Bye.

You look nice.

Well, so do you.

Thanks.

Can you help me with this?

Oh, yeah, come over to the mirror.

Was that your mom?

Actually, it was my...

ex mother-in-law.

but we're close. I mean...

We still are.

-Sweet. -Yeah.

I wanted to say hi to Lucy.

She's with her this weekend but...

she's too excited about a new kitten, I guess.

-Oh, that's cute. -Mm, It's great.

She's never gonna wanna come to my house again.

What do you mean?

She's gonna wanna go to her Dad's and be with that kitty.

Well, you could get one too.

No, I can't.

I already have a cat.

A sweet old cranky cat.

She doesn't want any new friends.

Well, lucky for you, kittens grow up fast.

Be old and fat in no time.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right.

-Let's boogie. -Okay.

[sighs]

[acoustic guitar music]

["Golden Hour" by Caroline Miller playing]

♪ Daisies in a shot glass ♪

♪ Your hand's there, it's not bad ♪

♪ Here we are it's golden hour ♪

♪ All that you can feel your power... ♪

We use the word Holy Matrimony to signify the depth

of this lifelong commitment.

The divine promise that no matter what

you'll be there for each other

for better or for worse.

["Golden Hour" continues]

[song ends]

[jazzy music starts]

[Dave] ...out of your mind ?

[Chuck] Show unity. It'll be fun.

[Dave] Fun? Toasting my...

only daughter with you is gonna be fun?

-[Chuck] Why are you angry? -[Dave] Oh, come on.

[indistinct chatter]

He's not coming.

Gabe is not coming.

-That's just really awkward. -He's not coming.

That's really awkward.

[indistinct chatter]

[guest] And I like how they matched

the bow with the tie...

You have such a beautiful voice...

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Sorry, sorry.

Can you, um,

just get me a glass of Diet Coke, no ice?

Just keep it coming all night.

-Of course. -Okay.

My name is Mike if you need anything else.

Thanks, Mike.

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, my God, Mike! That was so funny!

Sorry, did you need me?

I'm not quite there yet.

Let's just start with the drink.

-Thanks, Mike. -You got it.

-[Sean] Hey. -[woman] Hi.

Jus checking out. See how you guys are doing.

We're so good. We're having a blast!

[Tina] You gonna come over here and slum it

with the rest of us regular, degular guests?

[laughter]

Way to save the day, Sean.

It was a really beautiful ceremony.

-I agree. I agree. -Hey

-Sean. -Hey.

We need you back for the wedding party pics.

[Sean] Okay. Okay, cool.

I'll see you guys in a little bit!

-Yeah. -Save me a dance.

-[man] Yeah! -[Sean] All right.

-[man] And look for shots, my man. -[man 1] Yeah.

Hello, beautiful.

Before you say anything, I have a question for you

that might change the trajectory of both our lives.

Does this seat have my name on it?

-Are you Rick? -I am Rick! Hi.

-[Lauren] Hi. -How are you?

-I'm Lauren. -No, I know who you are.

Yeah, Marie and Justine told me all about you.

And your new Hot to Trot status.

Wow. I haven't heard that phrase in a minute.

Yeah, Hot to Trot. Well, they were right about the hot.

And now I'm just curious about the "twot." The Trot.

You know, the people want to know, where is--

Show us The Trot.

[laughs, snorts]

I'm kidding, of course.

I'm joking with you. I like to kid.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

So, um, how do you know

uh, Justine and Maria?

Well, that's an interesting story.

Maria's parents hired me for her tenth birthday

when I was just a up-and-coming magician.

Yeah. And I was just trying to, you know,

supplement some of my income to pay the rent.

-So... -Nice.

Then we became friends and I became their manny.

-So... -Oh.

Then cut to ten years later,

I am a professional magician.

-I pay my rent... -Really?

...with my magic tricks,

-believe it or not. -Oh, that's really... That's kind of cool.

Yeah, so I guess now I'm just the, um--

I guess I'm just the hot uncle.

I guess so. So you make a living?

Indeed d-do.

Yes. Yeah. I work at Castle Magique,

and I headline there Mondays and Tuesday nights

which tend to be their popular nights.

-Really? -Yeah.

Wait, that's the place on Fairfax, right?

The one and only.

Yeah, I drive by it all the time.

-Oh, really? -I've never been.

Really?

Well, it's a very cool, very private club.

You have to be a member or know one.

-Wow. -[laughs]

-And now you do. -Yeah.

Oh. Oh. Wow.

That's, um...

That's a great card.

You know, a lot of people think

magic is a joke.

My guess is...

they haven't experienced it firsthand.

You have something behind your ear.

-Hmm? -Yeah.

[gasps]

Wait, what?

It's a flower.

-Prest-O Change-O. -That was fun!

That was fun.

I'm gonna do another magic trick for you.

-Really? -I'm going to change this guy

into somebody who's not into you.

Uh, Prest-O Change-O. It's not working.

My magic's not working. I'm still into you.

[bell ringing]

Oh, they're doing speeches.

[Esther] Hi. Hi, everybody.

My name is Esther.

I'm Maria's Person of Honor.

-Her VIP, if you will -[laughter]

I have known Maria for a very long time.

[soft guitar starts]

She is somebody who has

always understood me,

has never judged me.

And with Maria, I have never once

needed to explain myself.

[cheers and applause]

I'm not losing a sister.

I'm actually gaining another one.

One who will let me put makeup on her face,

finally, right?

[soft music continues]

[speaking Spanish]

[in English] I love you so much, my baby girl.

And my new baby girl.

And now I want some new babies.

[cheers and applause]

Okay, first of all,

look at these beautiful people!

[guest] Oh, no! No!

I had almost accepted the fact

that I would never have a child of my own.

And now I'm a bonus dad to two

beautiful girls.

To the brides!

[cheers and applause]

Dave?

[indistinct chatter]

I want to welcome everyone to what, until very recently,

was my home.

-Oh. -[Dave] Wait.

I really-- I should've written something down.

Louder!

-Um... -[microphone feedback]

You know, marriage gets a bad rap.

But I'm here to tell you that...

even with a marriage that doesn't work,

something really beautiful can come out of it.

And I've been thinking about

the day that I met Maria.

They handed her to me. She's all wrapped up like a burrito

and she's not crying, she's like fearless.

And looking up at me with those huge, gorgeous eyes,

like, looking through me.

And then when she got a little older, when she'd get fussy,

I would soothe her with a...

I'd give her my pinky and she would suck on it so hard

that blood would come out of it. [laughter]

It sounds weird but

I'm just saying she's always had this...

this incredible thirst

for... for life.

And as her dad,

you're always scared that

she's not gonna be able to find someone to lock eyes with

who wants her to be as free...

and as safe...

as I need her to be.

And then I saw her look at Justine,

and I knew she was home.

Here's to my incredible daughter

and her beautiful bride.

Bottoms up!

[cheers and laughter]

["Bust a Move" by Young MC playing]

♪ This here's a jam for all the fellas ♪

♪ Try to do what those ladies tell us ♪

♪ Get shot down, cause you're overzealous ♪

♪ Play hard to get. females be jealous ♪

♪ Okay, smarty, go to a party ♪

♪ Girls are scantily clad, it's showing body ♪

♪ A chick walks by you, wish you could sex her ♪

♪ But you're standing on the wall ♪

♪ Like you was pointe-dexter ♪

♪ Next day's function, high-class luncheon ♪

♪ Food is served, and your stone cold munching ♪

[all cheering]

♪ But then you hate so much, you only split your pants ♪

♪ A girl starts walking, guys start gawking ♪

♪ Since down next to you, and starts walking ♪

♪ Said she wanna dance 'cause she likes to groove ♪

♪ So come on fatso and just bust a move ♪

[song plays distantly]

Hey, you.

You look beautiful in that light.

Ah.

Thanks.

What are you doing?

I just...

needed to get away a little bit.

-You know... -Yeah.

Crowds.

Weddings can be overwhelming for sure.

-Yes, they can. -[laughs]

Yes, they can.

I'd love to apologize to you.

For what?

Well...

I feel like I was dominating the conversation back there.

You know, when I'm around a beautiful woman...

-[blows raspberry] -...I get a little nervous and, ah...

and when I do, I talk about magic a lot.

And I am sorry.

-You're charming. -Oh, thank you.

Yeah, lovely dinner companion.

Thank you so much I appreciate that.

Anyway, you look beautiful.

-I was... -Thanks.

...thinking...

No, it's... it's...

What?

-It's dumb. -What?

-It's stupid. -No, tell me.

Well...

we're at a wedding...

for two adults and we're single

Why not?

[laughs]

-Why not? -Why not?

[laughs]

Okay.

Ow.

You like that?

Um... That? No, no.

Oh. [whimpering]

Little pumpkin pie doesn't like to get

slapped in the face, does she?

No

-You-- You don't like that? -No.

-No, no. Yeah. No. -Oh, I'm sorry.

I...

Do you want me to be sweet? I can be sweet.

[imitates baby cooing]

-No. -Okay, I know you want to dominate.

Okay, so give it back to me.

-No, I don't... -I can take it.

-I don't want to dominate. -You can give it to me,

and I can take it.

-Come on, just hit me -No, I don't want to hit you.

Hit me and it'll be fine just hit me.

-No! -Ow! Fuck!

[dance music crescendo]

[cheering and applause]

[muffled music continues]

Sorry, I was trying to get away from this guy.

I think I lost him.

Sorry.

[dance music continues]

Your toast was...

it was great...

It was really great.

Thanks.

It was hard to share...

your kid with someone else.

Yeah. Yeah, it sucks.

[cheering]

Chuck is really funny.

My gosh, what a character!

Yeah.

Chuck's a hoot.

[loud dance music continues]

[cheering]

[Todd] Miss Julia...

-What are we doing over here? -No...

I think we need to go dance.

-Now! -[dance music]

[dance music intensifies]

[cheering]

Oh, fuck!

[meows]

[dance music fades]

Those are some crazy ass moves out there, girl.

Two shots of Tequila please. Thank you.

God, how did you move your leg like that?

Crazy.

That was a little nuts.

-Yeah. -[laughs]

Thank you.

-Thank you, babe. -You're welcome.

Mmm...

[Todd gulps]

[Todd] Oh, my God. Uh...

Yeah?

Um...

You ever done a body shot.

-Fuck yeah. -All right, let's do it.

-Let's do it. -Let's do it. You do it.

-...of me. -Okay.

[loud upbeat dance music]

[laughing] Who's next?

[woman] Are you doing body shots?

[Lauren] Yes, you are!

[cheering]

Whoo!

Rick wants a little lick.

Rick wants a little lick. Rick wants a little lick.

[Rick laughing]

[laughing]

Oh, no!

[exclaiming]

[music stops]

[groans]

[Lauren groans]

[Lauren] Ow.

-Ow! -Oh my gosh.

My arm.

-Ouch. -Oh.

-Are you okay? -Yeah.

My ankle.

-[Dave] Okay. -[Lauren] Sorry.

[Dave] Ah.

[Dave groans]

I'm sorry.

-[crying] It's okay. -[Lauren] I'm so sorry.

-[whimpering] It's okay. -Oh.

[Maria crying] My cake!

It's not, it's okay.

Can we go?

[Maria crying] It's okay.

Like now?

Yeah, like now!

Are you kidding me?

-Fuck you! -Oh.

No, seriously, fuck you!

You asked me to come to this wedding with you

and then you just abandoned me the second we got here.

That's right!

That's right! We came--

Put your fucking phone down!

We came here together!

Okay, and I don't care...

I know it. He looks like he's 12,

and I look like I could be his mother.

but if he was a woman and I was a man,

nobody would care.

You...

pinky promised me that you would stay with me this weekend

because you knew this was gonna be hard for me

and you broke it because you wanted

to hang out with hot Coco!

[Lauren crying]

[crying] Lucy's right.

Everybody leaves.

Everybody leaves.

You know what?

Let's get out of here.

Sorry about the smoking.

Oh, no, fuck it. Doesn't bother me.

Really.

I don't think the...

science is in on cigarettes yet.

-[laughing] -Is it?

You know what, it tastes like shit anyway.

I'm done.

Done, done, done, done, done.

Hm.

Why did you help me?

-Why'd I help you? -Yeah.

I don't know. You were...

You were covered

with wedding cake and you were kind of...

humiliating yourself... [laughs]

-Oh, thanks. -...publicly in a big way.

Oh, my...

No, it looked like you could use a hand.

I didn't know you might break it.

Oh, my gosh. I'm sorry, okay?

I am sorry.

No, it's okay. I heal quick.

Ahh.

But it did seem like that kid was being kind of an asshole.

Yeah, he was.

I mean, I don't know.

He was just being a normal kid. You know?

A wedding, getting drunk, hooking up.

Isn't that kind of what you were doing?

-Am I crazy? -No!

I'm crazy.

-Yeah, with the... -No, you're right.

-The shots. -Yup, no, stop.

You're right.

-Proclamation. -Stop!

Stop.

Yes. I am a 50-year-old sober woman behaving

like a 25-year-old drunk bridesmaid.

Wait, you're sober?

Yeah, yeah, a long time.

Wow, good for you.

-Thank you. -No, that's great.

I cannot imagine adding alcohol to this situation.

[giggles]

Okay, listen,

I feel compelled to tell you that I am not crazy, okay?

I'm not always like this.

I am very normal a lot of the time.

I'm just...

I'm just not myself lately.

I get it. Yeah.

Divorce...

makes you... fucking crazy.

Right?

-Insane. -Totally.

I mean, I could tell Chuck was making you crazy.

Yeah, well, Chuck...

He seems well-intentioned.

Chuck was our marital therapist.

-No. -Yes.

Wait, you and Debbie...

-Yes. -No.

-May I repeat? -No!

Chuck was our marital therapist.

-Oh, my God, oh, my God. -That's how they met.

-Yeah. -That's so gross.

Well, they're in love.

-Oh, God, that's disgusting. -Isn't that sweet?

-Maria has no idea. -Oh, my God.

She doesn't know how they met.

-Really? -No.

Well, no wonder you were so like grumpy all weekend.

Was it like totally obvious?

Shit.

I hope I didn't ruin Maria's wedding.

Oh, no.

No, don't worry about that.

-I did that. -No, you know what?

We did it together.

-We did. -We destroyed it.

Lovely.

I'd high five you but my hand might be broken.

[laughs]

Now I feel like I need to inform you

that I am not always this raging black hole

of barely contained darkness.

I can be a lot of fun.

-I believe it. -Yeah.

I'm having a lot of fun right now.

Well, pre-dawn, urgent care, a couple of broken bones,

it's my wheelhouse.

It's my jam.

What time is it anyway?

No idea.

Oh, God, everything hurts.

Mmm. It is...

Oh, my God.

Who's that?

-Are those yours? -Yeah.

-They're so cute. -Yeah.

Bowie and Iggy.

Bowie and Iggy, those are cute names.

-They're the best. -Aww.

I know, super cute.

They hated each other at first.

Now they're inseparable.

Oh, my God, yeah.

You have a dog and a cat.

Yeah, why?

-You're allergic? -No.

No, I'm not.

["Company" by Victoria Canal playing]

What?

It's nothing.

Shall we?

Attempt to stand without further incident?

[laughter]

♪ I was full of sadness until your energy ♪

♪ Honestly, I love you ♪

♪ Honestly, I love your company ♪

-Oh, hey. -Hey

Fun night?

[laughing]

You okay?

Yeah, I'll be fine.

Where are you going?

Home.

How are you gonna get there?

I got a ride.

Okay.

I'm sorry about last night.

I'm sorry, too. It's a wedding.

-I'll see you in class. -See you in class.

♪ The only thing that matters is who you're gonna be ♪

♪ Now whatever you are is enough for me ♪

Jesus Christ.

You okay?

No.

You will be.

Ride or die.

Ride or die.

♪ I might believe in you ♪

♪ And I mean it, what the hell am I supposed to do ♪

♪ By the way, I love it ♪

♪ When you settle in and really open up ♪

[overlapping chatter]

[Maria] But you made me famous.

I did?

Yes, I got like 10,000 new followers from that video

of me crying over my cake.

Yeah, it went viral.

-Oh, I'm so happy. -Thank you.

Oh.

Lauren.

You know the...

little monologue you're performing tonight?

A little birdie just climbed up on my shoulder

whispered in my ear. You booked the national.

-[whispers] Are you serious? -I'm always serious.

[screaming] Oh, my God!

-Oh, my God! -Stop screaming.

-Oh, my God! Oh, my God! -Sorry, sorry.

Places.

[overlapping chatter]

[applause]

Oh, please, no.

[applause stops]

Let us all begin by closing our eyes.

Taking a deep cleansing breath.

[inhaling deeply]

[exhales deeply] Ah...

Welcome to the commercial intensives final presentation.

I would say "break a leg" but you just got out of the boot.

Shh.

Now we have spent months finding truth together

in what many consider to be

the most low rent form of acting there is.

The television commercial.

But I can tell you what is not low rent

The residuals

that make it possible to pay your rent.

[laughing]

And in doing so

you get 30 seconds

to do what you love most...

Acting.

This may be inappropriate for children.

[applause]

[exhales]

It's a mindset.

It's an inner strength

to keep your feet planted firmly on the ground,

taking you further than you ever thought possible.

The truth is...

I'm clinically depressed.

We compare and despair.

We want what she's got. [laughs]

Well, now you can have it in a lip color.

Jeans can go anywhere... with anything.

They can make you feel like

whoever you want to feel like.

When the time is right

and you want to smell your best,

make her hot by keeping cool.

[spray hisses]

Freak out, break out.

These pimple patch stars make it easy

and fashionable to cover it all.

You know what prep goes into prom night?

It's like mission impossible.

You gotta have the car,

the corsage,

and the perfect scent.

After menopause

sex just didn't feel good.

I felt old and...

well, dried up.

There's a solution...

Aquoxxi.

It has moisture in the name.

[applause]

[cheering]

♪ I drink Dr. Pepper and I'm proud ♪

♪ I'm part of that original crowd ♪

♪ And if you look around these days ♪

♪ There seems to be a Dr. Pepper craze ♪

♪ I'm a Pepper, he's a Pepper, she's a Pepper ♪

♪ We're a Pepper, wouldn't you like to be a Pepper too? ♪

♪ Be a Pepper, drink Dr. Pepper ♪

♪ Be a Pepper, drink Dr. Pepper ♪

♪ Be a Pepper, drink Dr. Pepper... ♪

Hello.

♪ I'm a Pepper ♪

♪ We're a Pepper She's a Pepper! ♪

♪ Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper too? ♪

-Hi. -You were so good.

Thank you.

[Lauren] Oh, God, it was so embarrassing.

[Liz] Lauren.

Great work in class, I was very impressed.

Oh, thanks.

I thought you hated me.

Well, I hate everything.

Oh, I hate everything too.

-Do you? -Yeah.

What was the last thing you hated?

Oppenheimer, the movie. Garbage.

-Hi. -Hey.

-That was amazing. -Thanks.

-Look at you dancing... -I heal quickly.

Well, you got rid of your sling.

Yeah, yeah, it was just hairline.

But it was really fun.

Thanks.

But you were totally convincing.

Yeah, but it's acting.

I mean, I don't have that issue.

I'm just saying that I am like a monsoon down there.

Like, so wet.

[laughs]

Why do I say the dumbest stuff around you?

Don't worry.

I wanna go.

See you again?

Absolutely.

[Lauren] Julie, let's go. We gotta go.

How do I touch? I mean, get in touch.

-How do I get in? -Well...

Well, you can find me right here.

This is where I am.

Say goodbye to the dry and hello to the moist.

Mom, Mom, your commercial just popped up.

-Come watch it with me. -It did?

[laughing] Oh, my God.

Constipation, severe muscle weakness,

confusion or vision problems.

AQUOXXI.

It has moisture in the name.

-Thank you. -Good job.

-And here is your Oscar, -Ah, Thank you, thank you.

-For best... -Oh, goodness.

-Best actress? -...commercial.

-Best commercial. -And actor.

I would-- Oh, thank you.

-I'd like to thank the Academy for-- -[doorbell ring]

Will you grab that, honey?

-I'm just gonna... -Yeah.

Hey.

What up, Luce?

You just missed it.

My mom was on TV again.

Again?

Boy, they're running the crap out of that thing, huh?

Cha-ching.

Hey, look what I brought.

Super Smash Bros., yay.

-[doorbell ring] -Another person.

-Hey. -Hey, cutie, how you doing?

-Mwah. -Good.

Sean brought Super Smash Bros.

Wow, that's awesome.

-How you doing, man? -I'm doing good.

Just happy to hang out with my girl tonight.

Cool.

You look amazing.

[giggles]

Thanks.

Um, Sweetie, don't let Sean keep you up late.

-Bedtime is 9:00. -Promise.

-Bedtime is 9:00. -Yeah, you're in charge, Lucy.

-[Sean] 9:00 is fine. -Okay.

-[whispering] 10:00. -Yeah.

Come here.

What?

I have terrible taste in women.

[laughs]

I have terrible taste in men.

Well, this is gonna be fun.

[chuckles]

[both exclaim] Whoa!

["You Make My Heart Beat too Fast" by Buddy & Julie Miller]

♪ You make my heart beat too fast ♪

♪ Oh, I think I love you honey ♪

♪ You make me think I could miss you ♪

♪ You make me think I should kiss you ♪

♪ You make me want your affection ♪

♪ I wanna make a connection ♪

♪ Baby, I'm psychedelic with emotion ♪

♪ And I can't come down ♪

♪ My heart's playin' dead ♪

♪ But love changes everything around♪

♪ Around and around and around ♪

♪ I wanna ride in your car ♪

♪ I wanna know where you are ♪

♪ Why don't you make me your fool ♪

♪ Come on, baby, take me to school ♪

♪ You make me want to be sweet ♪

♪ You make me walk down your street ♪

♪ You make me dance to your beat ♪

♪ I'm gonna save you a seat ♪

♪ Baby, I'm psychedelic with emotion ♪

♪ And I can't come down ♪

♪ Well, my heart was playin' dead ♪

♪ But love changes everything around ♪

♪ Around, around, around ♪

♪ You make me lose my focus ♪

♪ You've got some bad hocus pocus ♪

♪ You made me think that you're clever ♪

♪ I'm gonna love you forever ♪

[rock music continues]

[song ends]

["Serena Downtown" by Illusion Hills playing]

♪ Get your head out yo phone ♪

♪ I'm trying to see your face ♪

♪ No your friends don't condone ♪

♪ They're just in our way ♪

♪ Get your head out yo phone ♪

♪ I'm trying to see your face ♪

♪ No your friends don't condone ♪

♪ They're just in our way ♪

♪ I pull up in a-- ♪

♪ And pick you up at-- ♪

♪ We go kick it like-- ♪

♪ Then we do it all again ♪

♪ What you do this weekend ♪

♪ You lie and say you sleeping ♪

♪ Girl, why you tweaking ♪

♪ You know you wanna be with me ♪

♪ Fluent in her tongue as well in English ♪

♪ Now she got me speechless ♪

♪ Her body language starts to speaking ♪

♪ But we gotta act decent ♪

♪ Talk 'bout life like, what's the meaning ♪

♪ They want you there and not with me ♪

♪ Get your head out yo phone ♪

♪ I'm trying to see your face ♪

♪ No your friends don't condone ♪

♪ They're just in our way ♪

♪ Get your head out yo phone ♪

♪ I'm trying to see your face ♪

♪ No your friends don't condone ♪

♪ They're just in our way ♪

♪ Got Tinder on your phone ♪

♪ But your friends don't condone ♪

♪ Heard you new to the city ♪

♪ You might let me take you home ♪

♪ Got a house in the hills, but you know what I'm on ♪

♪ I know you like to steak dinner ♪

♪ With the magic T bone ♪ Hold on ♪

♪ You said that you want me, do you really? ♪

♪ I got some dog in me but ♪

♪ I might just hurt your feelings ♪

♪ You a trendy girl but you acting kinda silly ♪

♪ Got some dickies on... ♪