Original subtitles

Oh, Sam.

When you were in the back, one of your women called,

and she said to tell you that you're a lying piece of garbage

and she never wants to see you again.

Did she leave her name?

No, but she did tell me

- to add one more thing. - Oh, yeah, what's that?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's Patty.

Your move, Sammy.

Sam, I'll only ask this once.

Now, if you say no, it's no,

but I would love to start doing caricatures of the customers here.

Caricature is a satirical form of art that common man loves,

and I think it'd just be a wonderful memento of our customers' visits here.

- No. - And my art instructor said...

He said I'm an original,

and this would be an invaluable experience, you know.

- No. - And I'd only do it

during the slow periods,

so it really wouldn't interfere with my waiting tables.

- No. - So, what do you say? Can I do it?

No.

- We'll talk about it later. - No...

No, we won't talk about this later. I don't want you to do that stuff in here.

I'm going to do it anyway.

Well, at least she cleared it with me first.

Here you go, Carla.

Gin Collins, vodka Collins.

Thanks, Coach. Which one's which?

The gin Collins is in Larry, and the vodka Collins is in Steve.

Coach, what are you talking about?

Larry and Steve.

You've named the glasses?

Well, how else would I know which one is which?

I mean, look, for instance, over here is Pete, Glen, Fred, Al.

And not to offend the ladies, we got Jeannie, Ginger, Gracie, Sally...

Coach, Coach.

- How do you tell which one is which? - Oh, it's very easy.

To me they're all completely different.

Except the Wilson brothers.

- Afternoon, everybody. - Norm!

Norman.

Gentlemen, start your taps.

- How's it going, Norm? - Not so good.

Missed a digit in the debit column today.

The boss is now using my butt for an ashtray.

Norm, would you please watch your language today, please?

- Sure, what's the problem? - Lisa's coming over.

Hey, I didn't know that. It'll be great to see her.

- Who's Lisa? - That's the Coach's daughter.

Or is it a martini glass?

- How's she doing, Coach? - She's absolutely wonderful.

She's gonna introduce me to her fiancé.

You never told me she was engaged.

You know, she always told me that she was married to her work.

Well, you know, like most women, she wants both.

This is the 19... What, '80s?

Listen, are you all right?

No. Well, you see, Sam, I never met the fella,

and I'm just hoping that I can hit it off with him, you know?

And it's really been bugging me, believe me.

Hey, come on, relax.

- You're gonna do just fine. - Yeah, I guess I do worry too much.

I mean, since Lisa's mother died, she's been my whole life.

Coach. Coach, you did a great job with Lisa.

- Now, don't worry. - Thanks, Sam, thanks.

Great guy, that Sam.

Then why don't you name a glass after him.

Excuse me. My name is Diane. I'm the Cheers caricaturist.

I couldn't help...

I couldn't help but notice that you are very much in love with this lady,

and I have a sketch for you.

Which one of us is that?

That's a pretty good caricature.

Norman, don't toy with my emotions.

I'm serious.

Looks just like her, I think.

Oh! Of course, yes, excuse me.

Hello. I'm Diane. I'm the Cheers caricaturist.

I have a drawing of you.

- Oh, let me see. - Well, well, just a minute.

- Do you have a hobby? - Horseback riding.

Yes, that is fun, isn't it?

Now you may look.

This is me?

Well, why am I sitting on a lizard?

- Daddy! - Lisa!

Oh, honey, it's so good to see you.

Hey, everybody! Here's my daughter, Lisa!

- Hi. - Come here.

- Hi, Sam. - How you doing?

- Really good. - Boy, you look good.

- Oh, thanks. - Lisa, this is Diane. Diane, Lisa.

- Very nice to meet you. - Thank you. You also.

Where's your fiancé? Where?

Oh, Roy will be right in. He's parking the car.

So where'd you meet the guy, huh?

We both work for the same company.

- He's our top salesman. - Oh, good for you. That's great.

Hey, everybody! This is my daughter's fiancé!

Let's hear it!

- Darling. Roy, this is Carla. - Hi.

And Diane. And Sam.

- Hi. - How are you?

And this is my father, Ernie.

- It's a pleasure to meet you. - Feeling is ditto, Ernie.

- Can I get you a nice cold beer? - Sure, pops.

Hey, mind if I smoke?

Oh, listen, cigar smoke bothers me.

Yeah, I know it stinks, but it tastes great.

So Lisa tells me you and Sam were in baseball.

- Yeah, that's right. - I think it's a dead sport.

They just haven't claimed the body yet.

There's no action. People need action these days.

What sport do you like, Roy?

Female full-contact karate.

Excuse me. I have to go jump-start my brain.

Look out for that one, Lisa. She could steal my heart.

Hey, Cliff. I smell Chinese food.

Oh, it's a cigar.

So...

...you're a salesman with my daughter's firm?

Yeah, talk about coincidence. Lisa's my district manager.

Has my fate in her hands.

I'm working Jersey now, but I'm moving up to Pennsylvania soon.

Huh, Lisa?

Well, I suppose something could be arranged.

- What do you sell? - I sell suits door to door.

Is this one of the suits here?

- You took the bait, Sam. - I did?

Hold this.

I'm wearing an Omni suit right now, and, man, am I comfortable.

The best part is its versatility.

This suit comes with two coats, three pairs of pants

and five reversible vests.

This ensemble makes 120 combinations,

everything from dignified to sporty.

Now, if you owned one of these suits, Sam, you could go

straight from a funeral to a night on the town without even going home.

Well, I was trapped in just that situation Tuesday night.

Roy, I think we're gonna be late for our dinner reservation upstairs.

Hey, Sam, you and I happen.

I'll catch you later, huh? Hey, let's go put on the feedbag.

We'll be back in a little while.

- Daddy, come with us. - No, no, you go ahead, honey.

I got something to do. I'll see you later.

- All right. I'll see you later. - All right.

You know, I am so glad that you two finally got a chance to meet.

Ciao.

Hey, did you get it? We're going to eat and I said, "Ciao."

I'm telling you, I'm a funny guy.

Sam, could you cover for me for a couple of moments?

Sure, Coach, where are you going?

To toss my lunch.

Hey, Chuck. How's the job search going?

I got something, Sam, but I'm not crazy about it.

I'm a janitor at a biology lab where they do DNA experiments.

Making mutant viruses and stuff.

Sounds like a pretty good job to me.

I don't know. Makes me nervous, all that weird stuff floating around.

- Hey, don't worry about it. - Don't sweat it.

Yeah, of course. I mean, they handle all that stuff.

Yeah, I guess you're right. Must be getting a little paranoid, huh?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- See you later. - Okay, Chuck.

You know, I feel better already. Bye-bye.

- Bye-bye. - Bye.

Take care, Chuck.

Sammy!

Sam, he used the phone!

The man's a pig.

I just had dinner with a pig.

He's even more disgusting when he's around food.

- That's hard to believe. - Hard to believe?

The last thing I saw, he was pulling his chair up to a dessert cart.

Coach, what are you gonna do about this?

You know, I've given Lisa everything she ever wanted.

What can I do?

Well, you're gonna have to tell her how you feel, Coach.

I can no longer hold my tongue.

Want me to do it?

Coach, come here.

I'm a daughter myself, right?

Let me tell you something about my father.

My father is a very wise and learned man,

but he never gave himself a chance

to really get to know the boys I brought home.

He would decide that he didn't like them

for no better reason than one of them had bad posture.

Or another one had facial hair.

I'll never forget the night

when I was foolish enough to bring home a utopian socialist.

- Oh, my God. - Oh, no.

Unbeliev... I know, it was unbelievable.

I was a rebel then.

Coach, the point I'm trying to make

is that you mustn't make the mistake of judging Roy too quickly.

Now, call me crazy...

- Crazy. - You are crazy.

Very funny.

What I'm struggling to say here is, call me a bleeding heart...

- You're a bleeding heart. - You're a bleeding heart.

Call me cute as a button.

Fine.

Coach, I'm a humanist.

Now, that means that I have to believe

there's something fine and noble about every human being.

And if we haven't found what's fine and noble about Roy yet,

it means that we haven't looked deeply enough.

You're right.

I mean, Diane, you're absolutely right.

Your mother!

Like no one ever knocked over a dessert cart before!

Hey, how about a beer, huh?

Coach.

Look, you gotta talk to her, Coach.

Coach, you have to give Roy a chance.

- You don't. - That's not a bad restaurant.

The dessert guy's a dink, but the cuisine's real tasty.

Hey, but what am I telling you, chubs?

Where's Lisa?

Oh, she's still upstairs settling the bill.

Are you saying you had her pay for dinner?

They wouldn't take a postdated four-party check.

If they're gonna be hard-nosed, they should put up a sign.

Do you still say there's something good in that?

There must be.

Roy. How about if you and I chat over here?

Good idea.

Coach, will you excuse us for a moment?

The suit's getting to you, isn't it?

Roy...

...your personality is very...

- ...strong. - Amen.

But I know that that's not the real you.

You know, an aggressive personality

is often a mask for a very shy and sensitive soul,

and I'm willing to gamble that you are just such a person.

You're not wearing a bra, are you?

The man is pond scum.

Coach...

...stop her. Lock her in the car if you have to, but stop her!

Sam, I can't stop her. She wants him. She wants him, Sam.

Hey, Sam, I haven't forgotten about you.

How about I run out to the car and get some cloth swatches?

Now, I can be out there and back before you can scream "no" 700 times.

- All right, you better be quick. - "You better be quick."

Coach. Coach, let me talk to you.

Do you remember

a double-header against Cleveland on a hot August day in 1974?

Yeah, I remember part of that. Yeah.

What part?

I remember hot.

Well, that's good, that's good. That's a beginning.

Do you remember I was on the mound,

and Johnson had been thrown out of the game,

- and you were filling in as manager? - Right.

It was the last inning.

I'd just walked. The bases, loaded.

Gosh, who was up? I don't remember.

- Spikes, Charlie Spikes. - That's it.

Charlie Spikes was up. That's right.

Anyway, you came out to the mound

to talk to me because I was in a jam, I didn't have any good stuff left.

I thought you were gonna yank me, but you didn't.

Instead you said something that I've never forgotten.

Do you remember? Do you remember what you said?

What did I say?

You said, "Go get them."

- I said that? - Yeah.

Yeah, and I got them, Coach. I got them.

Well, I was glad to be there, Sammy, to help out.

Well, I'm glad you were there too, Coach.

Because if you hadn't have said that,

my career may have ended that day, instead of when it did...

...a couple of weeks later.

Sam, what the hell are we talking about this now for?

Coach.

Go get them.

- Hi, Daddy. - Get them.

Lisa, I wanna talk to you about Roy here in Sam's office.

"Go get them."

What a marvelously pithy phrase.

That's funny. That's exactly what our third baseman said at the time.

I'm sorry, Lisa, but the time has come for me to put my foot in my mouth

and tell you that you cannot marry this man.

I mean, you absolutely, positively cannot marry this man.

Che è una Cosa impossibile.

Daddy, I never heard you talk like this before.

Well, now you have. And I'll tell you something,

I don't like this guy Roy, and I don't like Charlie Spikes,

and you can't marry either one of them.

Look, Daddy, I'm not dumb.

I know Roy's abrasive.

I know he's insensitive.

And I know he's probably only marrying me

so he can get the Pennsylvania territory.

But... Well, why would you wanna marry a man like this?

Daddy, isn't it obvious to you?

Nothing's ever obvious to me.

Daddy, don't make me say this.

What? What?

I wanna be married, and I wanna have children!

Roy is the first man that ever asked me to marry him,

and I'm afraid he's gonna be the last.

Oh, come on, honey, there must have been

dozens of young fellas that proposed to you.

No, Daddy. Wake up.

Roy is the first one ever.

But you're so beautiful, so...

Beautiful?

Daddy, you have been saying that I'm beautiful

ever since I was a very little girl.

But look at me!

Not as my father, but like you're looking at me for the first time,

and please try to see me as I really am.

Oh, my God. I didn't realize how much you look like your mother.

I know.

I look exactly like her, and Mom was not...

...comfortable about her beauty.

But that's what made her more beautiful.

Your mother grew more beautiful every day of her life.

- She was really beautiful. - Yes, and so are you.

You're the most beautiful kid in the whole world.

Thanks, Daddy.

Go ahead.

Come on, go ahead, try it, try it.

The man doesn't lie. The stuff won't burn.

That's a drawback.

Roy?

Hey, about time. What were you talking about in there?

We were talking about me, Roy.

My father thinks I'm beautiful. Do you?

What?

Oh, hey, of course you're beautiful.

Why, you're stylish, you're contemporary and you travel well.

You just said that about your suits.

Roy, I don't wanna marry you.

I've decided that I want a man as good as my father.

Wait, hold on here.

What about Pennsylvania?

Roy, you don't get Pennsylvania.

And you don't get me.

You just get more and more obnoxious.

Hey, look. Not like this marriage was gonna change my life or anything.

But I want you to know that if I walk out that door right now, I'm gone.

Did you hear what I said?

Is that what you want, Lisa?

That's what I want.

Well, then that's what you've got.

Goodbye, baby.

And don't bother calling me, because we're through.

This doesn't mean we can't put you in a new suit.

Lisa.

Oh, you've made me so happy.

Cara mia.

Oh, care to capture this moment in a caricature?

No, tacky. Tacky.

Come on, let's celebrate. I'll buy you some ice cream.

Hey, Daddy, look. No, I'm just not in the mood for ice cream.

I just lost my fiancé.

I mean, I know he wasn't the greatest guy in the world,

but it's gonna take me a while to get over it.

- Rocky Road? - You got it.

- Sam, can we go? - Take off.

Hey, Sam.

- I got them. - You got them, Coach.

- So long, everybody. - See you, Coach.

- See you, Coach. - Bye.

- Bye-bye, Lisa. - Good night.

Lisa made the right decision, huh?

Forgive my storybook mentality, but I...

You're forgiven, Diane.

Well, laugh if you will, but I think every woman has a Mr. Right in mind,

and it's a mistake to settle for anyone less.

You have a Mr. Right in mind, do you, Diane?

Well, I suppose I do. Every woman does.

What's he like?

- Oh, come on. - No, come on, come on.

Maybe I know the guy. Maybe I know him real well.

Well, for one thing, he would be very intelligent, very well-educated.

Perhaps even over educated, if there is such a thing.

Not particularly athletic.

Perhaps even clumsy, but charmingly so.

Blond, blue-eyed with a Byron-like innocence.

Hey, no, I know this... I know this person.

Who?

You. You just described yourself perfectly.

I hope you'll be very happy together.

- I've had just about enough of you. - No, don't throw that.

That's Herbie. He's got a wife and four little shot glasses.

I dare you!